02x06 - They

[bunniefuu]

The president.

The vice president.

The Speaker of the House.

RECEPTIONIST: Mrs. Hassan.

Mrs. Hassan!

Yes.

MAYSA: So what do you think?

Well, this is all looking
great, Mrs. Hassan.

I see you already had your
biometrics appointment,

and you passed your interview.

You just have the citizenship test left.

Yeah, I've been studying
with this Apple, my phone.

You know, my brother says
the government listens

to our phones.

I hope they are listening

to how right I am about everything.

Well, I'm sure you got it down.

I just want to make sure you're ready.

If you fail, it's gonna take a bit

to get you back in the system.

I'm ready, yeah.

You know, I was here for many years

with my green card,

and I thought, why take the test?

My husband and my kids,
they have the citizenship,

but with that...

you know who I mean.

In the White House.

That piece of sh*t!

Pardon my English.

You see, I have to become
a citizen so that I can vote.

We have to protect the Supreme Court.

Ruth will die.

- Sorry?
- Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

You know, she's very old.

I pray for her and all the good ones

in the Supreme Court to stay alive.

The other ones,
I don't say anything bad,

but I don't pray for them.

Well, that's beautiful, Mrs. Hassan.

I think your case should
be a real softball.

- Softball?
- Yeah, softball.

It's an American figure of speech.

I just mean to say it should be easy.

Softball. Yes, of course.

Yeah. Softball. Now I understand.

- Yeah.
- It's a new word.

Just remember to keep your record clean.

Don't go getting into any trouble.

And as long as nothing
pops up on a police file

or anything like that,

you'll be swearing allegiance
to the U. S. of A.

Inshallah.

WOMAN: [SPEAKING SPANISH]

Excuse me.

I think you two should
work on your English.

The more you practice, the better it is.

It will make your citizenship
application a real softball.

I'm from Virginia.

We're here 'cause this
pendejo got a DUI.

Oh.

Take the Lyft, then,

next time you drink the alcohol.

Good luck.

Thank you.

_

- _
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Oh, no.

No, no, no. No, no.

What the f*ck? No.

♪ ♪

CALL SUPPORT REP: Okay, ma'am.

I'm looking at your file right here.

It seems that at least one passenger

filed a concerning report,

and a security
representative here at Lyft

felt the need to put a
freeze on your account.

What do you mean, "at least one"?

Ma'am, how many? Who are they?

What is the problem? What did they say?

I can't share that information

until we get in touch with them first.

Okay, ma'am, please listen to me.

Please don't call the police.

I am in the middle of a
very important process

with the government.

Please, ma'am, do you understand?

Once we hear from the other passenger,

we'll circle back to you to
get your side of the story.

What's "circle back"?

We'll get back to you once we've
completed our investigation.

It sometimes takes a while for us

to hear back from passengers.

- Have a nice day!
- Ma'am. Ma'am!

[DOG WHINES]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

PERSON ON TV: [SPEAKING ARABIC]

_

I am under investigation.


"Executive branch."

JUDGE: Ma'am, we're here today

to rule on your citizenship.

We have a few questions for you.

Of course, ma'am.

JUDGE: You had an incident at work

that was reported to
us by your employer.

Yes, they won't tell me what it is,

and I don't understand why.

I was counting on you, Maysa.

I'm sorry, Ruth. I'm really sorry.

I'm doing everything I can!

This was our chance, Maysa.

I'll fix it.

I promise, I'll fix it.

You see, Dena, my daughter,
is going to be a lawyer.

She was supposed to be married by now,

but maybe Allah sent her
on this path to defend me.

It's too late.

No. No, Ruth.

No, please. No!

[WHISPERING INAUDIBLY]

Why do you keep staring at that book?

You don't want to help your mother?

Mom, I have an essay
due in a couple days.

Look, it's not my fault
you got suspended.

Just call them and get an update.

I did call them again, Dena. Okay?

And do you know what they said?

They said they couldn't do anything.

I told them I was an excellent
driver with . star rating,

and you know what they said?

They said it's not enough.

I told them it was great,

because the Jersey people
are just very bad graders.

Everywhere else in the world,

they just throw five
stars at you like candy.

Mom, calm down.

I'm sure once they look
into your account,

they're gonna reactivate it,

and you're gonna be driving soon.

Dena, next week I have
my citizenship interview.

Do you understand?

This is very serious.

If they find out that I am delinquent,

everything will be ruined.

Okay, Mom, I don't think

the government cares about a . rating.

And how do you know?
You're not even a lawyer.

Right? You're only a student.

I tell you, all the global
systems are connected.

Right? I keep telling you to
watch that YouTube movie.

What's it called?
"The Loose... " "The Loose... "

- "Loose Change."
- "The Loose Change." Yeah.

Anyway, I have to find out
who that passenger was

and try to find them and apologize.

Okay, look, you just
got the notice, right?

I-I'm sure the ride was
in the last few days,

so just tell me about
some of your passengers.

Okay. Let me think.

Yesterday...

Yesterday, I woke up at
:. Then I stretched.

It's called the... the frog stretch.

_

Alexa, how many amendments are there

in the Constitution?

?

ALEXA: The Constitution
has amendments.

Yes!

Then, I saw what you were wearing.

I said you looked like a mime.

I also told Ramy to take his hat off.

He looked like a g*ng member...

Mom, stop.

Just tell me about the passengers.

I pick up this businesswoman
in a bad suit.

Real ugly hair.

Then I picked up a group of girls.

They were singing loudly
the song by that woman Lizard.

That one who's happy
because she's so fat.

Then I picked up this girl.

She was Japanese,

but I don't think she's
the one that complained.

We had really great fun together.

I love those people. They are so clean.

They take a ride, and then
the car is tidier than before.

Like Marie Kondo.

- You know her?
- Yes.

So I told this girl

that I am studying for my
immigration test next week.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

I remember when my dad
went through that process.

- It's not easy.
- It's not really, no.

Actually...

do you mind helping me study?

And she goes, "Um... "

Um...

Here.

She quizzed me on Franklin Roosevelt.

You know, Dena, he was the President

of the United States
during World w*r II,

and during the Great Depression.

- Well done, Mom.
- Then, I picked up this guy,

around your age.

Omar Arabic or Mexican Omar?

Yeah, Arabic.

_

_

Alhamdulillah!

_

Both my parents are actually from Egypt.

And what do you do?

- I'm a radiologist.
- A doctor? That's great.

Wow, impressive.

I asked him if he was
married. He must be.

Handsome doctor. So he
held up both his hands.

I could see his fingers
were naked, so, of course,

I started telling him about you.

You know, you should
meet Dena, my daughter.

She is very stubborn.

Her kushari is not really very good,

and she curses a lot.

Always f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

But, under the right lighting,

she is really beautiful.

When I drop him off,
I showed him a picture of you...

- All right, thanks for the ride.
- MAYSA: And he smiled.

Oh, wait, wait. Look, there she is.

But I could see that
it was a polite smile,

because his eyes were very sad.

- Have a good night.
- Have a good night.

DENA: What picture did you show him?

That one.

- What the f*ck is this?
- You see that cursing?

The doctor was not very happy

when I told him that you curse too much.

Okay, you know what? Whatever.

Oh, I forgot.

In fact, I-I picked up this a guy

that was dressed as a woman,

but he said he was not a man or a woman.

Wait, what happened?

I don't know, it was
a little bit strange

because he kept saying
I should call him "they,"

as if he was two people.

Sophia?

- Yeah.
- MAYSA: He came into the car.

This man, dressed as a woman.

- It's stuffy in here.
- I get confused,

so I think maybe he is going...

To a costume party?

I'm sorry?

You're wearing a women's dress,

so are you playing a
joke on your friends?

It's just a dress.

Dresses are for whoever wears them.

Mom, how do you not understand

how offensive that is?

I told him that I knew Caitlyn Jenner,

and I told him when she became a woman,

she became the fourth
prettiest Kardashian,

and you know what he said?

He said, "I am not like that.

I am something different."

- They, Mom. They.
- Okay, they.

I was just trying to
give advice to they.

You know, I think you should
shape your eyebrows a little.

Give them a little more of an arc.

Yeah, I'm not really into tweezing.

Oh, really?

Maybe you should try waxing, then.

Is there a problem?

No. No, no, no problem.

No.

I just don't understand,
you have such a handsome face...

Okay, um, I've had a really long day.

Do you mind if we do the
rest of this ride in silence?

It was a compliment.

You have very strong jawline.

Not like my son, Ramy, who has
a round face, like bread dough.

Anyway, he just spent the
rest of the ride kind of, like,

looking out of the window,
sad, until I dropped him off.

Mom, this is so f*cked up.

You completely misgendered someone.

That's, like, basically a hate crime.

I did not commit any crime, okay?

It's not what you think,
it's who they are.

What about Allah? Allah
created him as a man, no?

Ugh! Mom, body parts
do not define someone.

They're not a... a man nor a woman.

There are people that
don't identify with either.

How can a "he" become a "they"?

Dena, you have to help me
find that person, right?

- No.
- I know where they live.

I dropped they off at their home,

so I can go there, I can wait outside,

and when they come out, I can apologize.

There is no f*cking way I'm doing that.

Why not? We never spend time together.

You know, this could be like
a mother-daughter bonding.

Yeah, we can find bonding time

that doesn't involve stalking.

Dena, you don't want me
to be a citizen, or what?

Mom, do not try to find them.

Please, just wait for Lyft to call you.

[FUNKY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Oh, sh*t! That's not her.

They. Whatever. [SCOFFS]

Yo, this mine? You Beverly?

[SPEAKS ARABIC]

It's not me. I'm suspended.

- Whatever.
- Go!

"What is one right of freedom
from the First Amendment?"

"What does the Constitution do?"

"What are two rights in the
Declaration of Independence?"

Life and liberty. Life and liberty.

Life and liberty.

♪ ♪

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

You can do whatever you want.
Be whoever you want.

Who the f*ck cares?

♪ ♪

Yes, they.

[ENGINE TURNS OVER, CAR STARTS]

[DOOR OPENS]

[R&B MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hello, they.

Sorry?

Oh, uh,

you gave me a ride the other day, right?

Yes, and, uh...

I am here to apologize.

I know I did something very bad,

but I am not a bad person.

English is not my first language,

and I am always worried

that I will sound silly
when I use weird words.

I just say what my eyes see,
and I see a man wearing,

like, a woman's dress,
pretending to be a woman,

and you say you are not
a man, nor a woman,

so now, I know that you are nothing.

Okay, um, really glad you were
able to get that off your chest,

but I'm just trying to have some drinks

with my boyfriend, so...

Yeah, you see, and I am
trying to become a citizen,

so you have to call Lyft

and tell them that I'm a good person.

I know that you are the
one that complained,

because if you don't call them,
I will not be able to vote.

Then that f*ck-man
will win the elections,

and then it will be very bad

for transgender people like yourself,

and Muslim people like myself,

so we have to stick together.

We have to call Lyft,

because my application was
supposed to be a softball,

and it's not a softball
anymore, so please.

Please, circle back.

Please, close the circle.

Listen, I am sure on some
level, you do feel bad,

but if it wasn't for this
whole Lyft situation,

you wouldn't have
thought twice about me.

Do you know how much
mental energy it takes

to constantly be monitoring in the way

that people talk about you?

I don't wanna have to fight
for myself all the time.

That sh*t is exhausting.

I'm not the one who reported you.

What?

You're not the one?

No. I gave you four stars.

- Wow.
- Yeah, it's a habit.

I don't have time for drama.

Oh. Oh.

Thank you so much.

Okay, we're hugging.

Wow.

You know, if you want to wear makeup,

I recommend Honest
Beauty by Jessica Alba.

Didn't know Jessica
Alba was still alive.

Oh, yes, she is.

Of course. Have a great evening.

- Have a good life. Okay.
- Who's this?

Um, she just gave me
a ride the other day

and just wanted to say "hi."

- Hi.
- She was just leaving, though.

Jersey is weird like that,
running into people and sh*t.

No, not really.

You see, I-I am here
because you guys are here.

- What do you mean?
- Uh, It's fine.

She just wanted to apologize.

I came to see Sophia.

First, I went to their place
and wanted to talk to they.

Oh, my God.

This is the bitch that was misgendering
you in the Lyft, isn't it?

- Now she's stalking you.
- No, I'm not stalking.

No, just, like, waiting outside
and watching secretly.

Oh, AKA stalking. f*ck you, lady!

Did you know there is, like,
a huge epidemic... no, no, no.

You're not gonna leave right now.

There's a huge epidemic of
v*olence against trans women.

Don't even get me started
on trans women of color.

Maybe you should feel what it's
like to be a little scared, huh?

I'm calling the cops.

- No. No, no, no.
- Yes!

- No cops. No, no, no.
- [POLICE SIREN WAILS]

It was completely misguided,

but my mom wasn't gonna hurt anyone.

She's harmless.

She just, she wanted
to apologize, that's all.

Yes, it's true, I did a bad,
microaggression to them,

and I wanted to apologize,

but, like, it turned out

that they are not really
the ones that were angry,

- and that I've...
- All right, Mrs. Hassan.

The couple over there are
not going to press charges,

so just consider this a warning.

- Thank you, officer.
- Thank you, officer.

- Thank you.
- Okay, let's go.

I'm sorry, Dena.

I didn't know that the
police would get involved,

so I just wanted to say "sorry"
and have them unreport me.

No, Mom, that's exactly it.

You didn't have to say "sorry,"

you just have to stop saying sh*t.

You say everything that's
on your mind, all the time.

It's because I am honest.
I don't want to lie.

No, Mom, there's a difference

between being honest
and just being mean.

Maybe people are very sensitive.

No, you're mean, Mom.

You say these things,
and they hurt people.

It's like you don't consider
what you're saying,

it's just, it's a free flow of
every thought you've ever had.

It's like, you talk sh*t
about Tr*mp all the time,

but you... you basically
talk just like him.

Same style.

Just, whatever you're
thinking, no filter.

No, Dena, I am not like Tr*mp.

All I'm saying is that

I'm not surprised you got reported.

I'm actually surprised
it didn't happen sooner.

I would've definitely reported you if...

if I was your passenger.

Like, the other morning,

I really like that shirt,

and I was really excited about my day,

and then you had to make fun of me,

and then I was just less
excited about my day.

I'm sorry.

You see, Dena, I am tough on myself too.

Like, everything I tell
you or tell others,

I say it to myself ten times more.

I say...

"Maysa, you are very stupid

because instead of
finishing your degree,

you married Farouk."

I am very proud of you, habibti.

You are a lawyer. You are independent.

This is all I wanted to be,
but I didn't know how to do it.

Now that I am studying for
the American citizenship,

I think it's the most excited
I've been for so long.

Excited about myself.

Excited to learn.

Excited to be important, like you.

Mom...

[SNIFFLES]

[ENGINE TURNS]

MAYSA: Trust me,
we find the Japanese girl,

and everything will be okay.

DENA: No. No way.

JUDGE: To support and
defend the Constitution

and laws of the United
States of America.

ALL: To support and defend
the Constitution and laws

of the United States of America.

Against all enemies,
foreign and domestic.

ALL: Against all enemies,
foreign and domestic.

JUDGE: That I will bear true
allegiance to the same.

ALL: That I will bear true
allegiance to the same.

That I will bear arms on
behalf of the United States

when required by law.

ALL: That I will bear arms on
behalf of the United States

when required by law.

JUDGE: That I will perform
noncombatant services...

[WHISPERING] I'm not like you, Tr*mp.

I will f*ck you.

I will f*ck your p*ssy and grab it

before you grab mine or Dena's.

I will vote you away,
you piece of f*cking f*ck-sh*t.

I am here to stay, bitch.

JUDGE: Congratulations.

You are now citizens

of the United States of America.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SINGING IN ARABIC]

♪ ♪