01x02 - Boys Will Be Boys

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we are, face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find
We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Makin' a go, makin' it grow ♪

♪ Together
We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together
Takin' the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about those
Things you just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together
We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together
We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

[SIGHS]

Hello, police? This is
an emergency. Yes, I'll hold.

Oh, yes, officer.
My name is Kate Summers.

I'm personal secretary
to Edward Stratton III.

His son, Ricky, is, um...
He's-- He's missing.

Uh, he has blond hair,
blue eyes,

oh, and the cutest
little dimples.

And a tiny little
button nose with--

Yes, I know you're busy.

Please, you've got to find him.
You've just got to find him.

He's wearing, um, blue jeans,
white sneakers, red T-shirt--

Hi, Kate.

Uh, make that a green T-shirt.

Uh...
Sorry, wrong number.

Ricky!
Oh, are you all right?

Oh, where have you been?

You were supposed to run home
two and a half hours ago.

I was right out
in the backyard.

Ricky, our backyard
is 395 acres.

Well, I guess I kind of
lost track of the time.

But, hey, don't you think
there's too much emphasis

on time nowadays?

Schedules, clocks,
appointments.

Where will it all end?

You're not buying it,
are you?

I'd better let your father
know you're home.

Come in,
Captain Danger.

Come in,
Captain Danger.

EDWARD [ON RADIO]:
This is Captain Danger.

Is that you, Foxy Lady?

Uh, yes, Edward.
I mean, captain.

EDWARD:
Any word on Lost Little Lamb?

Lost Little Lamb
has returned to the fold.

EDWARD:
10-4, Foxy Lady,
I'll be right there.

And tell Lost Little Lamb

that he's headed
for the slaughterhouse.

Ooh, he's mad.

There you are.

I've been looking all over
the house for you.

I'm sorry, Leonard.

He's sorry.

Do you know how hard it is
to search a house this big?

I ran into a plumber
who's been here since 1967.

Was he upset?

Not at $19 an hour.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

Ricky!

Ricky!

Uh, listen, uh...

Leonard and I,
we'll be waiting for you

in the library
when you're finished.

Here's my card.
Call me if you need a lawyer.

So how about those
Yankees, huh?

I hope you have a darn good
explanation for being so late.

Well, I don't know if it's darn
good, but it's worth a sh*t.

You see, I decided
to go for a hike.

And after a while,
I found this cave.

I guess I explored
the cave too long,

and I lost track of time.

Well, I'm sorry, Ricky.
That's just no excuse for--

You found the cave?

Yeah.

You know,
I remember the first time

I discovered that cave.
I was--

Stop trying
to change the subject.

The point is
you were late.

I'm supposed
to be mad at you.

So now I guess
you have to punish me.

Well...

Well, I can see you've learned
your lesson, so I-I-I--

I won't come down on you
any harder than I already have.

But, Ricky, in the future, just
try not to be so late, okay?

Okay, Dad.

Okay.

I'm sorry to be
so harsh with you.

I'm your father, and sometimes
I just have to be tough.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Ricky.

Yeah, Dad?

I almost forgot that one of our
neighbors has a son your age,

so I invited him
over tonight.

Great. I really wanna
make some new friends.

You won't have
to make new friends

'cause it turns out he knows
you from m*llitary school.

Really? Who is it?

Derek Taylor.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Oh, no, no, no.

I sense a problem.

Dad, Derek Taylor
is the pits.

Really?

He seemed nice when
I talked to him on the phone.

Dad, I know what he's like.
I used to be his roommate.

He used to write fan letters
to Idi Amin.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I guess that's Derek.

Oh, no.

Oh, Dad, do me a favor
and tell him I'm dead.

Why don't you
give him a chance?

Maybe he's changed
since you've seen him.

He'll never change.

He's a bad seed.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Derek?

Mr. Stratton,
I presume?

What an honor it is
to meet you, sir.

And, Richard,
you're certainly looking well.

Now that I've met
your father,

I can see where you've gotten
your rugged good looks.

Oh, spare me.

Well, come in.
Come in.

Oh, you're sure
I'm not intruding?

Now that
you mention it--

Of course
you're not intruding.

Thank you, sir.
And might I add how very proud

you should be to have
a son like Richard.

Well, I am.

Richard is truly the finest
human being I have ever known.

Well, I'll leave you two men
to get reacquainted.

Derek, you make
yourself at home.

And what
a charming home it is.

You've captured
the rare combination

of elegance and warmth.

Well, thank you.

What a dump.

The real Derek Taylor.

Why aren't you
in m*llitary school?

They finally
kick you out?

Yeah, they got mad,
'cause I took a look

at Colonel Baxter's wife.

What's so bad
about that?

She was in the shower
at the time.

Derek, the lady
is 74 years old.

It was still worth it.

You don't have to worry about me
going back to m*llitary school.

You and I can be friends
for the rest of our lives.

Oh. Take me now
while I'm young.

Hey, dorkus, you got
any grease or something?

Slipperier the better.

What for?

I wanna put some on the bottom
of my dad's bowling shoes.

[WHISTLES,
IMITATES SPLAT]

[LAUGHS]

Derek, that's
a rotten thing to do.

So? I'm mad at him.

See, he cut my allowance

'cause I got kicked out
of school.

Don't you get mad at your dad
when he punishes you?

Hey, that's where
I'm luckier than you.

My dad doesn't punish me.

I came home late tonight,
he let me off scot-free.

He did?

Hey, my dad's a great guy.

You poor sap.

What do you mean?

Listen, Rick,
I'd be less than a friend

if I let you go on thinking
that your father likes you.

Derek, what are you
talking about?

My father more than likes me.
He loves me.

Wise up, will you?

Listen, my dad tells me
that he punishes me

only because he loves me.

He must love you
an awful lot.

That's right.

So it's only obvious
that the reason

that your father
doesn't punish you

is because
he doesn't care about you.

Derek, the reason my dad
doesn't punish me

is because I didn't do
anything all that bad.

And I'm sure if I did
something real bad,

he'd lower the boom on me.

Sure, right.

Well, listen, if that helps you
get to sleep tonight, then fine.

But let's change the subject.

Whose stupid train
is this?

It's my dad's.

Oh, yeah, the guy
who doesn't love you.

What this means is if the party
of the first part defaults,

then the party of the second
part has a cause of action

against the party of the...

Okay, Edward,
hand it over.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

Edward, isn't
that your train?

Can't be. Ricky knows
he's not supposed to

play with it
when I'm not around.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, no!

[SCREAMS]

Ricky!

Yeah, Dad?

Why were you playing
with the train?

What train was that, Dad?

The one that just
roared through here,

and crashed
through the door,

and knocked down the books
and ruined the furniture.

Oh. Oh, you mean that train.

Yes, that train.

You are in big trouble,
young man.

Right?

Uh, I'd better go home.
It's my laundry night.

I'm headed home too.
It's, uh...

It's her laundry night.

Sir, I feel that I must speak up
on behalf of Richard.

He did say that he was
absolutely not allowed

to ride the train
without you being there.

Thanks, Derek.

And that's why
I was so shocked

when he flagrantly just
disobeyed all your orders.

Derek!

Ricky, you said if you did
something really bad

your dad would
come down on you.

Now's your chance
to find out.

I messed up real bad...

so now I guess you've got
to lower the boom on me.

Well...

Nobody got hurt...

and I guess we can clean
all this mess up.

Plus, I'm sure you'll never
make that mistake again.

But, and I want you
to hear this loud and clear...

Yeah, Dad?

Uh, never mind,
enough said.

He didn't punish me.

Far be it from me
to rub your nose in it,

but if that was my dad,
he would have really k*lled me.

There's a bright side
to all this.

You can get away
with m*rder.

You got a gold mine here.

You never get punished.

And all just because
your dad doesn't love you.

Hi, Kate.

Hi.

Want to hear a really stupid
thing Derek said last night?

Huh?
He said--
Get this for really being dumb.

You ready?

Uh-huh.

He said if your father punishes
you when you do something bad,

it's only because
he loves you.

Isn't that the silliest thing
you ever heard?

[LAUGHS]

No, that's not silly at all.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

Hey, what's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

I probably ate
some bad cheese.

You were saying about it
not being so silly?

Well, that's right.

I mean, parents
discipline their kids

because they care
about them.

That's why your father
punished you

for wrecking
his train last night.

Kate, he didn't punish me.

Oh.

Uh...

Well, actually, what Derek said,
it really is silly.

Uh, well,
the reason is, uh...

You're dancing, Kate.

Look, Ricky, I'm not
qualified to talk

on how children
should be disciplined.

I've never
been a parent.

I mean, I had a cat once,
and when he was bad,

I had him neutered.

Well, I guess
what Derek said is true.

I can be as bad as I want...

and my dad will never care.

I'll see you later, Kate.

Hi, Ricky.

Hi, Dad.

Where are you going?

Do you care?

Here, Kate,
I picked you this rose.

Oh.

What's the matter
with Ricky?

He eat some bad cheese
or something?

Well, he's upset
about the way you handled

the incident last night
with the train.

Oh, boy. Oh, no.
I knew it.

I came down
too hard on him.

I raised my voice to him.

And in front of his friend too.
Oh, why did I do it?

Kate, the beast got out.

And you want to hear
the worst part?

I came that close
to actually punishing him.

Well, that's what
he wanted.

His friend Derek
told him

the reason
you haven't punished him

is because you
don't love him.

That's crazy.

Isn't it?

Ricky knows I love him.

Doesn't he?

Well, I think he's
very confused right now.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi.

Leonard, what
happened to you?

Well, Edward,
good question.

The answer is one
of the following three things:

A, this is the new Calvin Klein
whipped cream suit...

with matching
balloon hat,

or B, I've just
been baptized by

the First Church
of Balloon Fragments,

or C, your son, Ricky,
just dropped

a whipped cream balloon
on my head.

I have a hunch
it was Ricky.

Good guess.

Oh, Leonard, I'm--

[LAUGHS]
I'm--

I'm sorry.

This is inexcusable.

Edward,
this isn't funny.

I know it.
I'm sorry.

Uh, excuse me.
Just a moment.

[LAUGHING]

I'm back now.

Sure, it's easy
for you to laugh.

You're not the one with

the dessert topping
in your underwear.

I'll have a talk
with Ricky, Leonard.

You may have to do
more than just talk to him.

Yeah, when I yelled up
at your son

that I would report
this incident to you,

he said, "Go ahead, my dad
doesn't care what I do."

I'm going home
to change.

Oh, by the way, Edward,

Ricky told me
he has just replaced

your bathroom tissue
with flypaper.

Now that's funny.

[LAUGHING]

[LEONARD LAUGHING]

Well, Edward,
what are you going to do?

Well, for starters, I'm sure
not gonna use the bathroom.

Oh, Mr. Mailman!

Ricky, drop that--

[MAILMAN GROANS]

Balloon.

[MAILMAN GRUMBLING]

[SIGHS]

Mr. Ross!

I'm sorry.
It was an accident.

It's too late.
He's torching our mail.

Ricky, your behavior lately
has become totally inexcusable.

You're coming in late,
you're wrecking the train,

harassing Leonard,
and now I understand

you put flypaper
in my bathroom.

[SIGHS]
I have no choice, Ricky,
but to punish you.

Really, Dad?

That's right. So...

Any thoughts on what
I should do to you?

Dad, it's not up to me.

I did the messing up,
and now I'm supposed

to think
of my punishment too?

I can't do everything.
Give me a break.

Ricky, I just don't want
to punish you.

Okay, sure.

I know what that means.

Dad, answer me
something.

Sure.

Why is it whenever--?

Well, I mean, why don't--?

What is it?

Why don't you like me?

[SNIFFLES]

Oh, Ricky...

No.

I think I know
why you don't.

I mean, I just kind of dropped
right into your life.

You were having
a great time without me.

It's only natural.

I mean, who wants a dumb old kid
around all the time?

Ricky, listen...

No, I'll just pack up
my stuff and leave.

Thanks for giving me a chance.

And I'm just sorry
I messed everything up.

Son...

I want you here with me

more than anything
in the world.

Yeah, sure.

[SNIFFLING]

Ricky...

mind if I sit
on your bumper?

Come here.

[SIGHS]

Let me tell you a story.

Is this the punishment?

No, it's just a story.

About my father.

Your grandfather.

[SIGHS]

It's kind of hard for me
to talk about this.

I remember
I was about your age.

My father was working
in his study.

So I thought
I'd surprise him

with a cold fresh glass
of orange juice.

But just as I was about
to hand it to him, I tripped...

and I spilled the juice all
over his important papers.

Uh-oh.

Well, was he mad?

Furious.

He said I ruined
all his work.

And he called me
a stupid, clumsy fool.

And he sent me to my room...

and I was never allowed
in his study again.

Well, did you cry?

Real hard.

And, Ricky...

part of the reason
that I cried...

was because
at that moment...

I hated my father.

And I don't want you to ever
feel that way about me.

Dad, I could never hate you.

Well, I thought the reason
you didn't punish me

was 'cause you
didn't like me.

I thought that if I did punish
you, you wouldn't like me.

I guess that's what
they call irony.

I guess so.

Well...

[SIGHS]

whatever they call it, I want
you to remember one thing.

Yeah, Dad?

I love you, Ricky.

Oh, I love you too.

Well, I'm certainly glad
that that's all cleared up.

Well, except for
one minor detail.

Yeah? What's that?

I still have to punish you.

Look, Dad, that won't be
necessary now.

[IMITATING RICKY]
Oh, yes, it will.

[NORMALLY]
Because I don't
want you to forget

that it's wrong to be
mean and inconsiderate.

So except for meals,

you will stay in your room
for two days.

Oh, Dad.

Son, this hurts me
more than it does you.

How can it hurt you?

I won't have anybody
to play with.

[BOTH LAUGH]

♪ Together
We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together
Takin' the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about those
Things you just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together
We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪