01x06 - Sorority House

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪♪ [theme]

[phone ringing]

Hello.

[Woman] Hello?

I'd like to make a reservation.

Is this Transoceanic Airlines?

No, lady. This is
the Pony Express.

Who was that on the phone?

- Well, who was it?
- Wrong number.




You know, you're
a strange horse.

You'll talk on the
phone, you'll talk to me,

but you won't talk in
front of other people.

- Why?
- How should I know?

I'm a horse, not a psychiatrist.

Millions of horses in the world,
and I have to get the one who talks.

Why do I always seem to hear
voices when I come in here?

Wilbur, I wanna ask you a favor.

- Sure. What is it?
- Would you allow me
to take your horse

over to State University
for the weekend?

I doubt if they'd accept him.
He never got out of high school.

No, really. I'm serious. You
see, I attended an alumni meeting

last night of Sigma Nu Delta.

That's my old
fraternity at State U.




Well, it seems that State's rival
college has stolen our mascot...

A horse just like yours...
And I promised the boys

I would deliver Mister Ed for the big
game next Saturday against Brighton U.

Well, since you promised...
You can't have him.

Well, thank you...
I beg your pardon?

Maybe you better
get another horse.

Ed is very uncomfortable
away from home.

But the university is only a
ten-minute drive from here,

and the boys will bring him
back right after the game.

Well, as long as they'll bring
him back... You can't have him.

[stammering] I'm in a bad spot.

I promised the boys the horse. You're
putting me in a very difficult position.

Well, if that's the
case, you're in trouble.

I'm sorry, Roger.

Well, that's quite all
right. Thank you, neighbor.

[phone ringing]

Yes?

Uh, is Mr. Addison there?

Nope. Who is this?

Uh, Willie McIntyre. Is this the
man who's gonna lend us the horse?

Get yourself a mule.

Yes, I understand how important
it is for you to borrow Mister Ed.

You know, Carol, I've
done a few favors for Wilbur,

like getting him the contract to
build Mr. Gordon's ranch house.

- I know.
- And the lawnmower I lend him
every Sunday.

Of course, I'm not the kind who
would remind Wilbur of these things.

But I wish you would.

Well, I'll talk to him, Roger.

Sometimes I can
get him to do things,

especially if he
thinks it's his idea.

- There he is. I'll call you.
- Mmm.

- Who was that, honey?
- That Roger Addison.

I wish he'd stop pestering us
about lending him Mister Ed.

He just doesn't give up, huh?

He's never done us any favors.

Oh, let's be fair, honey.

Well, name one thing.

He got me the contract
for the Gordon ranch house.

- What else?
- Those theater tickets.

- What else?
- Well, uh...

So he lends you his
lawnmower every Sunday.

- Did I say that?
- All right.

If it means that much to
you, lend Roger the horse.

I thought it would
upset you, darling.

Oh, no, no. No,
you've convinced me.

Lend Roger the horse.

That's what I love about you.
When you're wrong, you admit it.

Roger, listen, it worked.

Oh, bless you, my dear.

I still can't understand
why your husband

raised such a fuss
over that old nag.

[sputters]

What was that?

Must be a bad connection.

Well, thanks again,
and good-bye, my dear.

[phone hangs up]

- Ed, I've been thinking...
- Not lately.

Ed, listen, maybe you'd have fun being
mascot for those kids just for the weekend.

No, thanks.

I'd rather die in bed.

[mutters] You may get
your picture in the paper.

With 22 football players
on my back? Hmm?

Look at it from my point of
view. Mr. Addison is my neighbor.

He's been doing me a lot of favors,
and it's about time I did him one.

They tricked you, Wilbur.
I heard 'em on the phone.

Never mind what you
heard on the phone.

I'm telling Mr. Addison
the Sigma Nu Delta

can borrow you for
the football game.

Ow.

Hit 'em hard, hit 'em
low! All right, State!

- State!
- Go, go, go.

Why don't you watch
where you're going?

I'm sorry. My
name is Wilbur Post.

I lent you fellas my horse
for the football game.

Football game! With an
S and a T and an A, T, E!

State! State! Yay!

Team.

I know, Phyllis, but won't
you even listen to me?

Excuse me. I'm Wilbur Post.

I lent you my horse
for the football game.

I'm a little worried about him.
It's his first time away from home.

Would you boys know
where they're keeping him?

You are fraternity
boys, aren't you?

You are boys?

You are alive?

Why should I want
it for you, Phyllis?

I tell you, Norm
is a living doll.

- She'll go nuts over him.
- Pardon me. My name is Wilbur Post.

I'm here about my horse. Would
you know where they've hidden him?

I'll call you right
back, Phyllis.

Are you a spy from Brighton?

Now, fellas, please,
you've got this all wrong.

I'm Wilbur Post,
Mr. Addison's friend.

I'm the one who
lent you the horse.

- I just wanna see him.
- Oh.

Well, we've got him hidden where
those Brighton creeps won't find him.

Oh. Would you mind
telling me where?

[whispering]

Hiya, Hank. How's our horse?

I think he likes it
in that steam room.

We'd better not keep
him in there too long.

He's liable to come out a pony.

Willie, you're a genius
for dreaming this up.

Those B.U. guys will never
think of looking for him in here.

The horse's owner is coming
over now to have a look at him.

- It's okay to let him in.
- Check.

Uh-oh. Here comes
Professor Thornhill.

- What do we do?
- Don't panic. I'll handle him.

Ah, McIntyre, Oliver.

How's the steam today?
Nice and warm, I hope.

Oh, Professor, it's, uh...
It's pretty hot in there.

Maybe you ought
to skip it today.

The heat's liable to
cr*ck your glasses.

Oh, I always leave
my glasses outside.

[chuckles]

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Oh.

Ah. There.

Now, off we go.

Oh.

Who's that big fellow in there?

- Uh..
- Uh, that's Moose Jackson, sir.

You better not go in there, sir.

He's still sore at you because
you flunked him in psychology.

Oh, I had to fail him.
In his last examination,

he even spelt his name wrong.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Yeah.

So sorry.

Gentlemen, there is a
horse in the steam room.

- A horse, sir?
- Yes, a horse.

And don't tell
me it's the Moose.

Well, sir, that horse
is our new mascot, sir.

We were hiding him
from the B.U. guys.

Mclntyre, what are
you majoring in?

- Physics, sir.
- Oliver?

Advanced electronics, sir.

Hmph. And to think

the Free World is
waiting for you scientists.

Ed, I've been looking...

Oh. Sorry, sir. I thought
you were someone else.

Oh, it's quite all right.

Tell me, young man,
do you always wear

all your clothes in
the steam room?

Well, I... I have a cold.

[coughs]

Oh, I see. That
probably makes sense.

By the way... By the way,

have you noticed that
we have company?

Nobody here, sir.
Just us and the horse.

Just us and the horse.

Tell me, young man, are
you majoring in any science?

- No, sir.
- Oh. Then there is hope
for the world.

[door closes]

Ed, it's good to see you.

- How are you, boy?
- Medium rare.

[groans] Cheer up.

They'll find another
hiding place for you.

By tomorrow, they'll have
me up on a church steeple.

Oh, come on. Enjoy
yourself while you're here.

Have fun with the kids.

Hit 'em hard, hit 'em low!
Come on, State! Go, go, go!

My life is at stake,
and you're cheering.

I'm sorry about this, Ed.
I'll make it up to you later.

Just keep the services
dignified and simple.

You're not angry
with me, are you?

Well, see you at the game.

- Wilbur?
- Yeah?

Close the door fast.
These drafts are m*rder.

[Mister Ed] By
tomorrow they'll have me

up on a church steeple.

My life is at stake,
and you're cheering.

Just keep the services
dignified and simple.

[Carol] Wilbur.

Honey, you ate
so little at dinner.

I fixed a little snack for you.

Thank you, dear.

Oh, darling, you're not still
worried about Mr. Ed, are you?

No, of course not.

[Roger] Wilbur. Wilbur.

Wilbur, here they are...

Four tickets on
the 50-yard line.

Oh, Roger, you shouldn't
have bought them.

I didn't buy them.

They're a gift from the
Sigma Nu Delta boys.

Pretty good, huh?

If I find him up in a church
steeple, it's all your fault.

Church steeple?

What are you talking about?

Hmm? Oh, nothing.

[phone ringing]

I'll get it.

Hello? Yes, he's here.

Who?

One of the boys
from the fraternity...

Willie McIntyre.

Let me take that.

- Hello.
- I've got some bad news
for you...

about your horse.

Bad news? What happened to him?

That bunch from Brighton
jumped us and stole him.

What's wrong, dear?

Mr. Ed.

Mr. Ed's been stolen.

Wilbur.

Hello, Edna?

Our boys did it
to State U. again.

We've got their first mascot

hidden at a riding academy,

and guess where
the second one is?

Right in the basement
of our sorority house.

- [door opens]
- And th...

Good evening, Sandy.

Uh, h-hello, Mr. Davis.

Linda, how did the
boys ever get the horse

out of that steam room?

Weren't there any
State boys guarding him?

It was a breeze. I was a decoy.

You mean, they sent
you into the steam room?

Don't be ridiculous, Gloria.

One of the boys told the
boy guarding the steam room

that a blonde wanted
to see him outside.

[Woman] And he left his post?

Honey, when he saw me,
he would've left his country.

And what did you do
to keep him outside

while our boys were
stealing the horse?

Well, we, uh, discussed
the international situations.

Girls, girls, hold it down.

Mrs. Davis just came back.

If she finds out the horse

is right down here in the
basement, we're in trouble.

Do you think Mrs.
Davis suspects anything?

Not so far.

She'd been so busy
fixing up the house

for Miss Penticast's lecture.

Hmm, and what a
subject for a lecture...

Ornithology.

That's for the birds.

[whinnies]

Oh, you poor horse.
You must be hungry.

Let's fix him some
poached eggs or something.

Great idea. Come on, let's go.

[all chattering]

Poached eggs? Ick.

There it is.

[Female voice] Operator.

Hello, honey, will you
get me State 11781?

You can dial that number, sir.

Uh, I can't see. Just
broke my glasses.

Very well, sir.
I'll get it for you.

Anything happens to that horse,

I'm going to hold
you responsible.

Wilbur, stop worrying.
I'm sure they'll find him.

[phone ringing]

Hello. Hello!

Hello, Wilbur? This is Ed.

Where are you?

They're holding me
c*ptive in a sorority house.

- Which one? Where?
- To whom are you talking?

It's, uh... It's Max
Tralafast. Where are you?

Alpha Epsilon Mu
house at Brighton U.

I'll be right over.

Hold on, Pal.

Come on, Roger.

Where are you going, dear?

They're holding Ed
in a sorority house.

Max Tralafast just phoned.

Who's Max Tralafast?

I don't know. Probably
the house mother.

Wilbur, I suggest I handle this.

I've had experience
with sororities in my time.

I don't need any help.

Now, I'm telling you
you'll never get in.

Well, what can I do for you?

I'm Mrs. Davis,
the house mother.

May I please come
in for a moment?

I'm sorry. No men are allowed
in this house after 8 o'clock.

You've got my horse in there.

If I were you, I would
go home and sleep it off.

Now, may I show you
the proper approach?

These women have to be
handled with dignity and authority.

How do you do?

My name is Roger
Addison, and I...

Had the same trouble
when I was a student.

I got to get in there.

Nobody can get by
that female fullback

except a woman.

Wait a minute, Roger.

I got to get Ed out of there.

And I think I have an idea.

Come on.

Wilbur, I know
you love that horse,

but I think this scheme of
yours is absolutely ridiculous.

[Wilbur] I just got
to get my horse out.

This is my only chance.

It's impossible,
unfeasible, unworkable...

And my apologies, madam.

Your mother-in-law's clothes
fit me pretty good, hey?

Much better than they fit her.

Roger, forgive my
bursting in like this,

but I was so
worried about Wilbur.

He seemed so upset...

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
realize you had company.

Oh, uh, Mrs. Post,
may I present...

Maxine Tralafast, the
sorority house mother.

How do you do?

Where's Kay?

At a meeting, as usual.

Well, if you hear from
Wilbur, will you let me know?

Oh, of course. Surely.

Nice to have met
you Mrs... Tralafast.

When Kay gets back,
I'll tell her you called.

Oh, thank you, Roger.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

Oh, boy, that was a close call.

I'll see you later, Roger.

Now, I know this
is going to work.

Not if you walk like that.

[high-pitched] Hello,
I'm Mrs. Adams,

and I'm shopping for a
sorority for my daughter.

[clears throat]

Hello, I'm Mrs. Adams.

Hello, I'm Mrs. Adams.

[clears throat]

Hello, I'm Mrs... Penticast.

Oh, do come in. We've
been expecting you.

Come in, Mrs. Penticast.

- Penticast?
- Yes.

Girls?

This is Mrs. Penticast.

Oh, how do you do?

We're all eagerly awaiting
your lecture tomorrow morning.

Well, thank you very much.

You know, I think ornithology
is a thrilling science.

And I'm sure the
girls will just love it.

I will, too.

Lorraine, would you
please zip me up.

Why, surely.

[Girl] Excuse me.

I'm so happy that you decided

to let our sorority put
you up for the night.

The-the night?

Yes.

Oh, but I didn't
bring any... any at all.

Mrs. Penticast, you can
use one of my nighties.

Your nightie?

Oh, uh, well, I never
sleep. I stay up all night.

Wonderful, then we can
all have a pajama party.

[all] Great idea.

[chattering]

Well, I'll go and get
some milk and cookies.

Oh, not on my account.

Oh, no trouble at all.

[laughs]

Ornithology is such
a fascinating subject.

It sure is.

Please tell us about
the blue-tail finch.

Well, I've never been
there. Is the food good?

Oh, what a delightful
sense of humor.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

What?

They did?

Oh, that's awful.

Thanks, Tommy.

What's wrong?

That's funny.

The dean knows we've
got a horse in out basement.

He's on his way
over here right now.

But how could he possibly know?

Somebody must
have squealed on him.

Yeah, but who?

Well, we've got to get rid
of that horse right away.

Oh, please Miss Penticast,
not a word to Mrs. Davis.

You see, if she...

Girls, girls, no need to worry.

You just tell me
where the basement is,

and I will get rid of
the horse for you.

And no one will ever know.

[Girls] Oh, wonderful.

You see, not only
do I love birds,

I also love horses.

Come on, I'll show you the way.

Yes.

Oh, oh, girls, please, please.

Why don't you-you just stay here

and sort of keep watch, hey?

I'll find my own way.

You keep watch.

Hello, Ed. It's me.

Scram, Grandpa.

Look, I've come
to take you home.

Let's go.

Keep your powder
dry, bloomer girl.

We've got to get out of here.

You don't need to be the mascot.

No, thanks to you.

What do you mean,
"No thanks to me"?

All the trouble I
went to to get in here,

and you say, "No thanks to me."

Well, who do you think squealed?

Who do you think phoned
and told the dean I was here?

You?

Yes, Grandma Wilma.

Let's go, Ed.

It's getting late, honey.
Aren't you coming to bed?

In a minute, dear.

You've been looking at
yourself for 20 minutes.

I'm wondering what I'll
look like when I get old.

You'll always be beautiful.

I hope so.

I was over to the
Addison's this evening,

and I saw the
saddest-looking little old lady.

Come on, honey. Let's go.

Little old lady, huh?

♪♪ [theme]