02x05 - Mr. President

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we are ♪

♪ Face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find
We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Makin' a go, makin' it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together takin' the time
Each day ♪

♪ To learn all about those
Things you just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

-♪ You and I ♪
-♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

-♪ You and I ♪
-♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

-[TRAIN WHISTLING]
-[MAN LAUGHING]

Ah, warmth.

That was fun.

I haven't gone ice skating
in years.

Neither have I.
It sure was worth it.

It was a momentous occasion.
Rick did his first figure eight.

Yep, but I don't think it counts
when you do the last loop

on your rear end.

Well, I hate to defrost and run
but I've been invited

to watch the president's address
to the nation

at Richard Nixon's home.

Oh, that'll be on any minute.
You'll never make it in time.

But Mr. Nixon did say
he was gonna tape it.

Naturally.

Well, why don't you watch
the speech here

-with another president?
-Dad.

Ricky was elected
student body president

of Shallow Springs Junior
High School.

Well, congratulations, Richard.
I mean, Mr. President.

Only been in office a week,
already the kids already think

he's the best president
they ever had.

Oh?

You see, I've been meeting
with the people

in the cafeteria, I got them
to put meat in the meat loaf.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Hey, guys. Come on in.

Uh, Dexter, you know Derek.

This is Freddy,
Rick's Vice President.

Oh, you can call me Veep.

Would you gentleman like
a cup of hot cocoa?

Uh, no, thank you.
You see, Miss Summers...

By the way,
that's a stunning outfit.

Uh, we're rather in a state
of distress,

aren't we, Frederick?

I told you to call me Veep!

Sorry, Veep.

It seems that one of our rival
institutes of learning,

Willow Cove
Junior High School,

has, in a wanton act
of juvenile delinquency,

absconded
with our school statue.

-They stole Sammy Spartan?
-Yeah.

All they left was his foot.

We can't let these guys
get away with this.

Tomorrow we've got a pep rally.

We're supposed to parade around
Sammy Spartan.

We're gonna look pretty silly
marching around a foot.

Why don't we leave this problem
to Ricky

-and all the president's men?
-Uh, before you leave,

you want to hear Derek's idea
of getting back at Willow Cove?

Uh, Freddy...

He said we should put
a swarm of k*ller bees

in
their shower room.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

He's such a Veep.

I-- I merely blurted that out
in a fit of pique.

I confess I was a little furious
at the time.

I-- I still am a bit.

In fact, my anger makes me
poor company.

No, Derek.

Your personality
makes you poor company.

Good jest, Richard.

Guys, for what it's worth,
think this over very carefully.

Retaliation isn't always
the answer.

This man is wise
beyond all our years.

You're right, Mr. Stratton.

After all, the good book
advices us

to leave vengeance
to the Lord,

to turn the other cheek.

Peace.

Rick, we got to zap
those Scuzz wads. This is w*r.

Derek, what happened
to "turn the other cheek"?

Hey, as soon as we let
those bees loose in the shower,

they'll be turning
lots of cheeks, huh?

Let's go, Derek.
This foot is heavy.

-Shut up, Freddy.
-Call me Veep.

Shut up, Veep.

Thank you.

It's kind of a tough problem,
huh, son?

Yeah...

real tough.

You know, I remember one time
a bunch of jerks

from our rival school
stole our mascot.

Boy, were we mad!
They really got our goat.

What was your mascot?

A goat.

They really got our goat.

Did you guys do anything
about it?

Oh, yeah.
We stole their mascot.

Then they got back at us
by breaking some windows and...

whole thing led to a big fight
with knives and chains.

A lot of kids got hurt.

But Dad, I won't let it come
to that.

What if I show those crumb-bums
that I mean business...

[SCOFFS] ...they'll back
right down.

Well Rick, in my opinion,
it's always a mistake

-to put yourself in a--
-Dad!

Let me make
my own mistakes, okay.

I'm the President.

The buck stops here.

Okay.

Hey, guys, it's time
for the president's speech.

[♪♪♪]

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

the President
of the United States.

My fellow Americans,

I'm sorry to interrupt
Dance Fever...

but this shouldn't take long.

I just thought I'd let you know
how our country is going.

[SCOFFS]
It's going awesome.

After only one week in office,
I've eliminated pollution,

reduced the budget,
and most incredible of all,

I've gotten
post office employees

to be polite.

Now, I know what
you're all thinking.

You're thinking,
"Way to go, Prez.

But, hey, what about
nuclear disarmament?

Huh?"

Well, it's been on my mind, too,
and I think I've got an idea.

Here we have
an uninhabited island

located exactly halfway between
the Soviet Union

and the United States.

I propose that we take
one of our nuclear bombs

and transport it to this island.

In return, Russia would bring
one of their nuclear bombs

to this island.

Then a b*mb and a b*mb,
and a b*mb, and a b*mb,

until every nuclear device
is on this island.

And then, we appoint a man
we all trust and respect

to watch over the bombs.

A man like...

Jerry Lewis.

Well, that's all for now.
Thank you...

and good night.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes, Miss Winters?

MISS WINTERS: Vice President
Frederick Lippincottleman,

to see you, Sir.

FREDDY: Call me Veep.

Send him in.

Hi, Mr. President. What's up?

I'm sending you
on a good will tour, Freddy.

Aw, again?

Yes, you're going to Mexico.

No, thanks.
Those guys hate me there.

Listen, they're willing
to give you another sh*t.

This time, when you do
the Mexican hat dance,

It's around the hat,
not on it.

-Hi, guys.
-Derek, what do you want?

Hey, I'm your Chief of Staff,
your right hand man.

I'm here to help you, buddy.

[FREDDY LAUGHS]

Very funny, Derek.

Listen Freddy,
you better get going.

You've got to catch a plane
to Mexico.

-Okay, bye!
-Hey, Fred.

-Yeah?
-Remember what they say.

Be sure to drink the water.

Okay.

What a wimp. This country
hasn't had

a good vice president
since Agnew.

Wow. I've d*ed
and gone to heaven.

Miss Winters,
you're my secretary.

This is the Oval Office.

Not The Richard Simmons Show.

But Mr. Taylor said

that you requested
that I wear this leotard

in honor
of physical fitness week.

It isn't physical fitness week.

It's aluminum siding week.

Derek, get this through
your head once and for all.

In my administration,

women aren't to be treated
as sex objects.

[SIGHS] Thank you, Sir.

Hey, you're right, Rick.
Sorry, Toots.

Miss Winters,
maybe I can make up

for my thoughtlessness.

Would you care to accompany me
on an inspection tour

of Old Faithful this weekend?

I'd very much enjoy visiting
a scenic wonder

with a scenic wonder.

Why don't we go
to the Grand Canyon instead?

Uh, I'd love to.

Oh, terrific.

We'll take
one of those mule rides.

I'd enjoy riding a jackass
with a jackass.

Oh, Rick, I forgot
the Russian Ambassador

gave me this letter
for you yesterday.

Derek, this letter is stamped

"important, urgent,
top priority."

So what are you waiting for?

[SIGHS]

Rick, what's the matter?

The Russians have captured
one of our ships.

A cruiser? Battleship?
Aircraft carrier?

No.

The Love Boat.

Now, wait a minute.
The Russians have captured

The Love Boat?

That's right.

Even Gopher?

Even Gopher.

Oh, the fiends!

Derek, I got to think
about this.

If we get too carried away,
We could have a nuclear w*r

-on our hands.
-Nuclear w*r?

It is possible.

Rick, you and I have been
through a lot together.

And I have absolutely no doubt
that you'll find a way

to handle this terrible crisis.

Thanks, Derek.

If you need me...

I-- I'll be in New Zealand.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

-Yes?
-MISS WINTERS: Sir,

the Russian Ambassador is here.

Zdravstvuyte, Mr. President.

Good afternoon, Mr. Ambassador.

Have a seat.

Care for a cigar?

Spuzeblu.

I will chew it later.

Now, what can I do for you,
Mr. President?

I believe you know what I want.

Your government has swiped
one of our boats.

[SCOFFS] I beg to differ.

We have justifiably captured
the capitalist spy ship.

Bolshoi!

The Love Boat is not a spy ship.

What do you think,
we were born tomorrow?

That ship was in USSR water
right near

our top secret hidden
m*llitary base

which has on a it
a brand new heat seeking,

long range nuclear m*ssile
which nobody in the whole world

even knows it exists.

Whoops!

Look, The Love Boat didn't mean
to be in your territory

It was a navigational error.

Navigational error,
my aunt Olga.

That does it.

Mr. Ambassador, I intend to take
that ship back by force,

if necessary.

Oh, yeah? You and what army?

United States Army.

Oh, big talk.
I'm shaking in my mukluks.

See, America's more
than a country.

It's a dream.

[♪♪♪]

Just ask Mary,

who's getting breakfast
for her kids.

Or Tom, who fills her up
when the t*nk reads empty.

Or Farmer Bert who grows
the grain that makea the bread.

Or little Billy,
who's up before dawn,

so that Mary, Tom,
and Farmer Bert

have a newspaper to read.

You listen to me,
Mr. Feeding-women

weight-lifters steroids.

You go tell your government
that we're sick and tired

of being pushed around
by pinkos.

Go tell them that
apple pie and vodka don't mix.

Okay, I'll tell them.

Oh, by the way...

that music was a nice touch.

Miss Winters, I want to see
General Stuffins right away.

-MISS WINTERS: He's here, Sir.
-Thanks.

Sir!

I'm glad you're here, General.
[SIGHS]

I hate to say this but we maybe
on the brink of w*r.

Really? Ooh!

Well, sir,
if there's a w*r,

our men are in top condition.

They've undergone
survival training,

hand-to-hand combat,
field maneuvers.

Plus they've done
a lot of Jazzercise.

Sir, we will defeat them
on the land, in the air,

on the sea. We will drive them
into the ground,

we will vanquish them.
By the way,

who is the enemy?

-Russia.
-Russia! Cuss!

-A problem, General?
-Well...

I was, sort of, hoping
for a Falklands kind of thing.

General, are you telling me
you can't handle the Russians?

Not at all. We'll defeat them
to the last man because you see,

America is more
than just a country.

It's a dream.

Just ask Mary, who's making
breakfast for the kids.

Or Tom, who fills her up
when the t*nk is empty.

Hold it!

-I gave that speech already.
-Oh!

General, your first order
is to surround Russia

-with The Seventh Fleet.
-Yes, Sir!

I'm counting on you
to go out there and win one...

for the Ricker.

Yes, Sir!

-Son?
-Hello, Dad.

I heard what happened.

You mean there's a news leak?

Now Rick, I know
what the Russians did was wrong,

Son, but if you retaliate
you're just stooping

to their level.

But Dad, our country's pride
is at stake.

Son, this could escalate
into a big fight

with knives and chains
and nuclear bombs.

People could get hurt.

Dad, I'm not gonna let it
come to that.

Once I show those crumb-bums
I mean business,

they'll back right down.

-[TELEPHONE RINGING]
-See, that's the Hotline.

They're backing
down already.

Yello.

Yes, I'll accept the charges.

It's the Soviet Premier,
Yuri Andropov.

No, I'm not removing
our warships

until you return The Love Boat.

And I want it back
in a hurry, Yuri.

What'd you call me?

Oh, yeah?

Well, why don't you just walk
to the edge of a cliff, Yuri,

and drop off?

You wouldn't dare.

Wait a second, I--

What happened?

He's...

He's...

He's what, Son?

He's ordered an all-out
nuclear att*ck

on the United States.

Oh, my God.

What am I going to do, Dad?

Son, you're the president.

But-- but I blew it!

Millions of innocent people
are gonna die

because of my mistake.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes?

MISS WINTERS:
Sir, Russian ICBMs will destroy

the United States in 15 seconds.

Do you want to launch
our missiles at the Russians?

I-- I don't know. Dad?

It's up to you, Son.

Launch our missiles.

MISS WINTERS:
Missiles launched, Sir.

I've doomed us.

Now I'm wiping out
their whole population, too.

MISS WINTERS: Incoming missiles
will explode in...

five, four...

three, two...

PRESIDENT:
As I indicated earlier,

we are not trying
to become a superpower.

We are simply trying
to maintain m*llitary parity

with the Soviet Union.

We must support
the Defense Department with--

Dad, I owe you an apology.

You certainly do, Son.

The president hadn't finished
his speech yet.

No, Dad, what I meant
was you were right about us

getting our school statue back

without pulling the same
underhanded sneaky stuff

those guys pulled on us.

I'm gonna talk to those guys,
man-to-man.

And see if we can work out
our differences.

Well, I'm glad to hear you feel
that way, son.

-What changed your mind?
-I learned my lesson

when I sent The Seventh Fleet
to recapture The Love Boat...

and ended up destroying America.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Together we're going
To find our way ♪

♪ Together taking the time
Each day ♪

♪ To learn all about
Those things ♪

♪ You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two Silver spoons ♪