05x15 - Ding, Dong, The Boss Is Dead

[bunniefuu]

'Yee-haw!'

Folks in Hazzard
are bettin' people.

They bet on the usual things.
Will it be an early spring?

Which side of the tree
will the moss grow on?

Now, you're watching
a typical Hazzard bet.

Can General Lee get
from the Duke farm

to Hazzard in minutes
without usin' any roads?

Say, Coy. You tryin' to shake
the fillings out of my teeth?

You don't need
fillings to drink a beer.

And that's our bet with Cooter.

- How's our time doing?
- Eight minutes.

He bet we couldn't get from
the farm to Hazzard in .

- We'll win goin' away.
- 'I ain't so sure.'

'Wait till you see this.'

That's a sucker
bet, with Coy driving.

I don't know which
I'll enjoy more.

The beer or watching
Cooter pay for it.

Unless we run into some
kind of detour and lose that bet.

'Well, I wasn't too
thirsty anyway.'

You folks need any help?

Not unless you've got
an extra radiator in there.

We were just driving, suddenly
it went poof like a volcano.

I'm Lorna Mallory and
this is my brother, Matt.

- Howdy? Coy Duke.
- Nice to meet you

- Vance Duke.
- Nice to meet you.

Well, let's take a
look at that radiator.

Here's you trouble, busted hose.

Can it be patched enough
to get us to Hazzard?

If we had the right tape.

The best thing is for us to
drive you folks back into town.

The fella who runs the garage,
Cooter Davenport, he'll fix it.

Sounds good to me.

First time I got in a
car through the window.

It's real easy once
you get the hang of it.

Come on, I'll show you.

Here, let me help you.

Well, you country boys
think of everything, don't you?

We try, ma'am. Yes, indeed.

We sure try.

- You folks hold on now.
- I will.

Cooter's closed?

Hey, there's a
note on Boss' car.

"Boss, your car is all set.

"If you need me
for anything later

call me this afternoon.
Cooter Davenport."

That could mean anywhere
from noon till o' clock.

We were planning on staying
in Hazzard a few days anyway.

They tell me the fishing's
good around here.

'sh**t! Couldn't be better.'

There's a fishing pond within
walking distance from here.

With more trout than
a possum has fleas.

Well, gee, that sounds
awfully good to me.

I think we'll just
check in at the hotel

and wait till your
friend can fix our car.

And, uh, get out
the fishing tackle.

Something tells me I'm gonna
like Hazzard a whole bunch.

"J.D. Hogg Real Estate."

"Hazzard Dry Goods
Store, J.D. Hogg, proprietor."

Not to mention the
bank, funeral home.

'Just about everything
else in Hazzard.'

He sounds like a real
character. I'd like to meet him.

Well, that'd be real easy.

You gotta hold a dollar
bill outside the window

the County Building, if a
hand comes and grabs it

that'll be Boss.

Why do you reckon them two
are so curious about ol' Boss?

Here you go.

I'll get that.

Why thank you, Vance, honey.

Oh, dang.

That's for coming to my
rescue twice in the same day.

Believe me, the
pleasure's all mine.

Don't worry, Cooter'll fix up
your car as soon as he's back.

- Good luck with the fishing.
- I appreciate it.

- Good luck to you. Bye.
- Bye.

Real nice, weren't they?

They would be, the way
you were shining up to 'em.

You know what they say
about catching more flies

with honey than vinegar.

Now, we know just exactly
where Mr. J.D. Hogg holes up

and what kind of car he drives.

Now, you know and I know
that them two are trouble.

And anybody who'd bet that
the Dukes ain't gonna be right

in the middle of it, is
taking another sucker bet.

That Lorna. She's
some kind of lady.

Except for one thing,
she don't see very well.

What makes you say that?

Well, why else would she
shine on to you when I'm around?

Seeing as how that there ain't
no way of telling exactly when

Cooter would be back, the
boys headed back to the farm.

While up in their hotel room

Matt and Lorna were
looking over the town.

Spot anything interesting?

See for yourself. Top
of the County building.

' "Another perfect paint job"'

'"by the J.D. Hogg
Painting Company."'

The J.D. Hogg Painting Company's
just done half our work for us.

I just hope that he's got
plenty of accident insurance.

'Cause his widow's gonna
need it once we knock him off.

Three things come to
mind. Boss is in trouble.

The Dukes are
gonna be in trouble.

And these two ain't
brother and sister.

Ah-huh. Save it for later, baby.

We both got plenty
of work to do still.

Just one for the road.

'Rosco, feast
your eyes on this.'

It's the inspiration
of a lifetime.

A candy machine?

Yeah. I'm testing
them out. Right now.

- Oh, testing.
- Yeah.

And if everything works out fine

I'm gonna put one of
these candy machines

in every store in town.

- In every store!
- Yeah, watch this.

- Oh, excellent.
- There we are.

Yeah, see that?

I ought to rake in
$ a day in quarters.

That looks yummy.
I'll have one of those.

- You got a quarter?
- I got a quarter.

Put that in there and
I'll just get me a Zowie.

Oh, that's too bad.

Seeing as how their
own car was still busted

that female barracuda
had to swipe another one.

In case they had to
make a fast getaway.

Now, I figure whatever
they do, they're pros.

And pros think ahead.

You've been using
real quarters, ain't you?

- You bet I am.
- Just like they all will.

To get the candy,
you gotta use slugs.

- Like this one.
- Slugs?

- Yeah.
- What did you..

And I got the only
slugs in Hazzard.

What you..

- Where do you get the slugs?
- Oh, out of my pay telephone.

Pay telephone, huh?

- Slugs! Sucker!
- Slugs.

Meanwhile, the boys
came back to Hazzard

to pay off their debt to Cooter.

Daisy was delivering a rhubarb
pie that she promised Enos.

- Ain't that a wonderful idea?
- It's wonderful for you.

But if I could get a
nibble sometimes.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Boss! Rosco! Watch out.

- 'Boss, are you alright?'
- How can I be alright?

After been smothered
by pounds of Duke?

Yes. And that goes for me too.

You boys are not
gonna get away with this.

I'm gonna arrest you
for as*ault and tackle.

You would've been squashed
flatter than a bug, Rosco

if these boys hadn't
rescued you from the scaffold.

- If it was an accident.
- What?

I saw someone hiding and he
lit out when he saw me coming.

- What does that mean?
- I don't know yet, Boss.

But he took off out of town
like he was guilty of somethin'.

The General's gonna have
something to say about this.

Come on.

Hey, give this to Enos, alright?

Oh, no, no, no.
Give me that pie.

After a close call like this I
need this to calm my nerves.

I ought to get some.
It was close to me too.

- Did he recognize you?
- I don't think so.

We better ditch this
car as soon as we can.

Okay.

- Any idea who we're chasing?
- No, I didn't get a look.

I didn't recognize
the car either.

'Whoever it is, they
wouldn't be running'

'unless they had
something to hide.'

Once we get around this bend
there's a mile of straight road.

'Ain't no way we won't
catch up with them then.'

Coy, look out!

Hold on!

You know, it's gotten so that
when a Duke says, "Hold on"

I just automatically grab
something. Don't you?

- How's that for evasive action?
- For them or us?

- There isn't a sign of them.
- It wouldn't help if there was.

By the time we change this
tire, they're gonna be long gone.

Come on.

After ditching that
stolen car in an alley

the Mallorys figured
it was time to check in

with the fella who was
paying 'em to get rid of Boss.

- Mr. Calloway, please.
- 'Who is this?'

Tell him, it's a call
he's been expecting.

It's for you.

- Hello, where are you?
- At a pay phone in Hazzard.

We didn't wanna go
through the hotel switchboard.

'Good thinking.'

Did you settle that
unfinished business for me?

Well, not quite yet. There
was just a slight hitch.

'I ain't paying
you for hitches.'

I've been waiting
years to pay back

that fat water buffalo
for what he's done to me.

After this is over, I'm clearing
out of this country for good.

Don't worry. We're working
on something right now.

Now, just about the
time Daisy and the boys

got General Lee squared
away and headed back for town.

Boss was setting out to do
what he loved most next to eating.

And that is
foreclosing a mortgage.

He didn't know that somebody
was about to foreclose on him

the first time he
used his brakes.

- He's gone towards Petersville.
- Yeah.

Ain't that sad, seeing how
that road is downhill all the way.

I hope old J.D. pays his bill
fast as he pulled out of here.

Wait a minute. Why
ain't I slowing down?

' miles an hour!'

Now I'm doing .

The more I brake,
the faster I go.

Mayday, mayday! This
is J.D. Hogg calling.

'I'm on the incline to
Petersville and got no brakes!'

Somebody help me!

That's less than two
minutes from here.

Boss, this is Daisy. We're
coming. Hang in there.

Well, how can I hang in,
when I can hardly hang on?

Listen, don't worry,
little fat buddy.

Flash and me are
right behind you.

- There he goes now.
- 'Let's hope we can stop him.'

Now, I believe
if I was that fella

I'd pick another day
to go to Hazzard.

No, no, no.

See what I mean? He
ought to just turn right around

and go back where he come from.

Boss, this here is Vance
Duke. Listen, what you gotta do

is try to slowly
downshift into first gear.

And then let the
gears slow you down.

His hand's frozen to the mike.

Until he lets go,
he can't hear us.

Then we're gonna
have to downshift for him.

Get as close as you
can and hold her steady.

Y'all remember them
Saturday-matinee cowboy movies?

Well, now you know where
old Vance was every Saturday.

- I got it, Boss. Slide over.
- Oh, yes! Yes!

'Oh, oh.'

Are you alright, Vance?
Boss, are you okay?

Will you all hush. I'm
the boss around here.

I'll ask the questions.
Are you alright, Boss?

- I don't know, I don't know.
- You don't know.

All I know is, I left my
stomach back there

somewhere on the incline.

If yours is there
mine's next to it.

I declare, I'm beginning to
think someone up there hates me.

Now, that ain't no
way to talk, Boss.

You had two accidents and
you got off scot-free both times.

Yeah.

How come you Dukes
were at the scene

of that supposed
accident at each time, huh?

How do we know you didn't
rig those so-called accidents?

Hold on. You keep
talking like that

I'm gonna forget you're
an officer of the law.

Hush. I'll knock you in
the middle of next week.

Would you all quit
bickering, huh?

Would you quit bickering
while I'm still thinking.

Well..

Not that I wouldn't
put it past you Dukes.

The only one to blame for
what happened is Cooter.

- Cooter?
- Boss, you can't believe that.

- 'Oh, yeah, who says?'
- 'Yeah.'

Cooter was the last one
to work on this here car.

- That's right.
- Well, he was.

- That was his fault.
- It's his fault.

Oh, just don't stand
there, will you?

Just drive me back to town.

I'll get Cooter on the CB to
come out and tow that thing.

Oh, yeah, good idea.

Tell him, I ain't paying
one thin dime for it.

Lost Sheep to
Crazy C. Come back.

Breaker One, I might
be crazy but I ain't dumb.

Crazy Cooter coming
back. What's your ?

Vance, what's
going on here, huh?

Boss had a little
problem with his brakes

and he's pointing fingers at
you. I'd like to get you out...

Hey, I'm on my
way. See you there.

- Well, here's your problem.
- What you got?

This here wasn't even
connected up to the brake cylinder.

Could it have
fallen off by itself?

No. Every time I do a lube
job I double-check all this stuff

and I... double-checked
it this morning.

Someone must've taken it
off hoping Boss would crash.

Like that somebody who tried
to drop the scaffold on him today.

Wait a minute, I ain't
heard about this now.

- What's this story?
- Love to tell you.

I gotta get back to warn Boss
that somebody's after him.

- Come on, hon.
- See you, Cooter.

Whether he deserves
it or not, he's in trouble.

Uncle Jesse would have
a fit if we didn't help him.

Take care, Cooter.

Hello, J.D. Hogg
residence. Lulu speaking.

Hello, Mrs. Hogg, this is Gussie
down at the phone company.

- May I speak to Boss?
- Oh, yes, Gussie.

Alright, honey, just a minute.

- Gussie Peabody.
- Oh, Gussie Peabody.

Yeah, yeah. T-this is J.D. Hogg.

Say hello from Rosco.

Will you go across the
street and tell her yourself?

Uh, listen, Gussie.

Did you have any interesting
telephone conversations

overheard that I
hired you to overhear?

'Just one. From a payphone.'

This lady was talking
to some fella in Atlanta

about him leaving the country..

After they paid back
a fat water buffalo

for something he
did years ago.

T-there's only one man
ever called me a water buffalo.

Did-did he give any names?

It was something like a..

Fly away.

No, no, no. It was Calloway.

Calloway, Calloway, Calloway!

Floyd Calloway,
that's who it was.

Rosco, you remember,
years ago?

Oh, yeah.

You remember he and
I were running shine..

When the feds closed in.

Yeah, that's right.

You turned state's
evidence to get off the hook.

Yeah, and now I'm
back on the hook.

Yeah, because that falling
scaffold nearly got me.

- And then my brakes going bad.
- That was a bad coincidence.

No, no, no, no. That
wasn't no coincidence.

- You mean..
- Yeah. Yes!

Calloway. He must
be behind everything.

- He must be.
- And who knows what's next.

Oh, now, my little
butterball, don't you worry.

My baby brother
Rosco's here to stop him.

- That's right.
- Yeah.

It's like stopping a
ton truck with a spitball.

- I appreciate that.
- I thought you would.

I gotta get out of town.

Lulu, honey, pack me a
suitcase and some vittles.

- Alright.
- Rosco.

You and I are gonna head
out to Lake Chickamahoni.

To hide out. This
is my only chance.

Oh, listen don't you
worry, little fat water buffalo.

'You know, this thing is heavy.'

- 'Everything off that desk.'
- I can't see a thing.

- I guess everything's gone.
- Alright, come on, will you?

Rosco, blast it!

Watch what you're
doing with my vittles.

Well, I'm liable to starve
to death before I get k*lled.

Hold up there, Boss.

- What?
- Where are you going?

Oh, Boss, somebody's trying
to get rid of you for keeps.

Yeah, I know all about it.
Why do you think I'm runnin'?

Rosco, come on.
Get all this stuff up

and get it into the
trunk of that car.

- J.D.
- Uh, what?

Lulu, listen. I gotta go now.

But if anybody comes lookin'

tell them I'm off to Alaska
for the Polar Bear Festival.

There you go. Just
put that right in there

if you'd be so kind.
Stick it right in there.

- There you go.
- I got some more.

- That's it.
- Alright.

- You got everything in?
- Wait a minute.

No need to panic now, Boss.

You'd be safer right among
your friends and neighbors.

Well, they almost got me twice,
among my friends and neighbors.

'Do you hear that ticking?'

Yeah, probably my watch.

Oh, you know
what it is. It's this.

- It's a time b*mb!
- Time b*mb!

Now, would you
believe that old Rosco

used to be a demolition expert?

I would.

'Boss! Oh, Boss!'

It's Calloway! It's
gotta be Calloway.

He's after me again. I'm
a doomed water buffalo.

Here, little fat buddy.
Let me give you a hand.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You ain't giving me no hand.

I ain't taking no hand from
a sheriff who's stupid enough

to let his car be booby-trapped.

What I need is a real bodyguard
to protect me hours a day.

- Even if he has to.
- You got Enos and me.

- Didn't you hear me?
- What?

'I wouldn't trust you to guard
my henhouse. Let alone me.'

What I need is
somebody I can rely on.

- Somebody strong.
- 'That's it.'

- Resourceful.
- 'Right.'

- Brave.
- Absolutely.

- Boss, that's Coy and Vance.
- Coy and Vance?

- They'll do it if you ask 'em.
- Alright, I will.

Boys, I'm asking you

don't let my Lulu
become an instant widow.

- We'll do it for you.
- That's right, we'll help.

- But on one condition.
- 'What?'

We go have a little pow-wow
with Uncle Jesse about this mess.

- You wanna go have a pow-wow?
- Yes.

'Rosco, Lulu, just
don't stand there.'

Help me barricade the door.

- Come on. Come on.
- You're gonna get trapped.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- Oh, little buddy..

- Alright.
- Put it against the door.

J.D.

What in tarna.. What-what
are you people doing?

We're barricading your
front door, that's why.

You better start on the back.

Floyd Calloway is liable
to be sneakin' around here

just waiting to assassinate
my little fat buddy here.

Now, just a minute, if
what the kids say is true

Calloway is not the one
you wanna worry about.

What you should
worried about is that lady

that made the phone call
from right here in Hazzard.

You mean he sent a
hired k*ller here to get me?

She was probably mixed up
with that guy we was chasing.

Seein' how he was responsible
for that scaffold falling.

Then he sent two hired
K*llers here to get me.

- Oh!
- Looks that way, Boss.

Seeing as how we don't get
that many visitors to Hazzard.

- I bet you those two are..
- Matt and Lorna Mallory.

It's them! It's them! It's them!

'Oh, it's them! It's them!'

No. It's nobody, Boss.

See, I've been training
Flash to be a bird dog.

'She's barking at a chicken.'

Oh, I can't go on like this.

I mean, I'm runnin'
like a hunted animal.

I'd be better off
dead and buried.

Oh, no, no. Don't you
say that, J.D. Hogg.

Now, don't get yourself k*lled..

I look terrible in black.

He'd be better off
dead and buried.

- Wait a minute.
- Vance!

I didn't mean what I just said,
but you said you'd save me.

So, you get out there
and nail them two K*llers

that Calloway sent to get me.

That wouldn't help, Boss.
He'll just send two more.

But if we sucker him to believe
that you was six feet under..

Yeah, Calloway
would hear about it

then he'd go ahead and leave
the country like he planned on.

- And J.D. will be off the hook.
- Yes!

So, they formed a plan.

And everybody took
his place to act his part.

Start acting.

Oh, was it something I
said? Oh, you're acting.

- Oh, help me, somebody.
- Yes, help her.

- Help me. Somebody, anybody.
- 'What happened?'

Somethin' terrible has happened
to my dear beloved husband

and we can't revive him.

Well, I'm a candy striper, let
me see what I can do, Lulu.

Bring her right in here, boys.

He's in the parlor. Rosco
carried him to the sofa.

J.D., there'll be plenty of
time to eat after you're... dead!

Either his watch is fast, or
he ain't got no pulse at all.

His heart stopped beatin'.

- This means it's all over, huh?
- It'll be alright, Miss Lulu.

Why did you have to eat
raw onions at a time like this?

That's why I couldn't give him
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

It all happened so sudden.

Well, he was sitting
there slurping his soup..

'...all of a sudden, his
head fell in the bowl.'

And he gumbo-ed
himself to death.

'Oh, now, Miss Lulu,
don't think of it like that.'

He's gone to that big
restaurant in the sky.

Or that big kitchen down below.

Rosco, you just hush.

Oh, Lulu. Listen, Lulu, I
know it ain't gonna be easy.

But you gotta be strong.

Yeah, that's the way
J.D. would've wanted it

Excuse me, Vance.

Well, I-I'll do as he
would've tried, yes, I will.

He would've wanted the
wake in the Boar's Nest..

And food and beer and
only a $ cover charge.

A $ cover charge would
have been more like Boss.

Gussie, I've gotta make
some arrangements.

Would you give
me the coffin works?

Bessie Lou? You
won't believe it.

The Boss has croaked.

Jun White? Yeah. Bessie, yeah.

The Boss is gone.

Knowing Gussie Peabody
could spread gossip faster

than Boss could count money.

The Dukes knew that
the word would reach

the K*llers in plenty
of time for the wake.

According to the Hazzard
Gazette it was real sudden.

'Old boy was gone in
a couple of seconds.'

That fat water buffalo has
got more lives than a black cat.

I want more proof than
a newspaper headline.

The wake is tomorrow at a
place called the Boar's Nest.

'If you want we can be there,
sort of pay our last respects.'

Rosco, would you
get rid of this horsefly..

Before it drives me
completely out of my mind?

I'm awful sorry, Miss Lulu.

I just don't know what to say.

You don't need to say
anything, Enos dear.

'Just come in and eat.'

If there was anything
J.D. liked to see

it was people
enjoying their vittles.

'No, thank you,
ma'am. I just couldn't.'

I'm trying too hard to
swallow this lump in my throat.

Oh, honey.

- I wanna tell him.
- Honey, honey.

No, it can't be helped.

Enos is too honest to lie
about Boss being dead.

And if he knew
everything, he'd ruin it.

Goodbye, Mr. Hogg.

'Sure am gonna miss you.'

Like everybody
else here in Hazzard.

They're taking the bait.

Let's just hope Boss lays
still long enough to hook them.

The only thing missing
is the apple in his mouth.

I think they bought it.

Let's just hope Rosco doesn't
go and un-sell them on the idea.

Boss.

Listen, I know you can't move

because somebody's
liable to be lookin'.

So I'd just like to..

Rosco!

Rosco.

Rosco!

Ladies and gentlemen, could
I have your attention, please?

The time has
come to say farewell

to a man that has
touched all of our lives..

Especially at mortgage time.

Ain't that the truth.

A man that is loved by
all the grocers, butchers

and ice-cream and candy
makers of Hazzard County.

Oh, well, he plum-plum
ate his way into my heart.

Not to mention my refrigerator.

I guess he's got the strongest..

Stomach of anybody in Hazzard.

Or had.

A man whose charitable
works and good deeds

can't be written
down on any paper.

A man who has
worked tirelessly..

Night and day for the
whole of Hazzard County

even though he only
owned percent of it.

A man whose..

Loss is gonna be a great burden.

On at least..

Six of us.

Must be gonna bury
him with his wallet.

Boys, Cooter.

Alright, bring it on.

Right through, this way.

Alright. A little to the
left here, a little left.

Thanks for the help, Rosco.

There you go.
Watch it, the chair.

Don't scuff him.

'You fold up them wheels? Good.'

'Right, Vance. Okay.'

'Wait a minute.'

Next time we won't give
your idea so much weight.

Yeah.

Get out of the way.

There you go.

Oh, sis, listen.

Oh, I know. Oh, listen..

I don't know if it's
important or not

but that door ain't closed.

Now, just in case somebody
wanted to check on it later..

Jesse and the boys are
fake-burying the casket..

High on Hogg's
Heavenly Hill Cemetery.

Naturally, old Boss
would be out of it by then.

I'm sorry, Daisy. I just ain't
got the heart to go with them.

Oh, Enos, I understand.

Listen, why don't
you let me fix you up

with a nice glass of
buttermilk, uh-huh?

Make you feel better. Come on.

'What's goin' on here?'

'Oh, no, no.'

'I'm movin', I'm movin'.'

- Uh-oh, cuz, we got trouble.
- Not as much as Boss has.

Hang on.

'Hey, stop this
thing, somebody!'

You know, even a fake funeral
in Hazzard gets complicated.

Why don't you crawl out and
throw a rope around that thing?

'We ain't got time.'

I reckon I'll just
have to cut him off.

Calloway was gettin'
dangerously close

to figurin' out
what was goin' on.

He's pretty, but he ain't dumb.

Excuse me.

Is there anything I
can do for you, sir?

I'd like to take a
last look at the body..

Of my oldest and dearest
friend, Mr. J.D. Hogg.

I'm afraid you're a
little too late for that.

They're halfway to the
Heavenly Hill's cemetery by now.

Then I guess I'll just
have to catch up with 'em.

Thank you, ma'am.

There's somethin' kind
of familiar about that fella.

- Boss!
- Hey, Boss, you in there?

Yeah, but I'm stuck.

- Boss. You alright?
- You alright, Boss?

Say somethin', Boss.

- How're you, J.D.?
- You alright?

Well, I can't tell until I
get out and see if I'm still

in one piece.

- You're in one piece.
- You look like a..

Oh, my precious. My
precious little marshmallow.

Now, don't you-don't
you pretend with me.

How do you really feel?

Oh, I feel like I've been on a
great big roller coaster ride.

Right up to them Pearly Gates.

I told you, Mr. Calloway,
you didn't have to come here.

Everything turned
out just perfectly.

Let's just say I wanted the
satisfaction of seeing that

double-crossin' water buffalo
belly up with my own eyes.

Alright, tell you what, you
head south on this road

'and we'll follow in my
car if you need some help.'

I got it, Daisy.

When he flipped the
peanut into his mouth

it all came back to me.

'Enos, you're
talkin' in riddles.'

That's Floyd Calloway.

'How can you be sure?'

When I heard he was
out to get Mr. Hogg

I dug back in the files
and found his picture.

He's older and grayer
now, but it's him alright.

Hey, wait a minute.
Now that Mr. Hogg's gone

you reckon-you reckon
he's come to get Miss Lulu?

I don't know, but I think
we'd better talk to Uncle Jesse

and the boys fast.

- Come on.
- Good idea, Daisy.

- Okay.
- I'll drive.

I think they better hurry.

They ain't in radio
range till they get on

the other side of Iron Mountain.

Oh, listen, it's a shame
the way they scuffed you.

Yeah, well, you just
save your sympathy.

Because you were
supposed to make sure

that the back of that
hearse was locked tight.

Now, you stop picking
on my baby brother.

He was in a hurry to
comfort the grieving widow.

Yeah, well, he should've
taken care of the grievin' corpse.

J.D., will you quit fussing till
after you're dead and buried?

Look, Cooter's comin' back
for the corpse. Now get in there.

Don't lay down. Now's a good
time to make that switcheroo.

You hide in the General.
We'll put rocks in the coffin

so they won't suspect
you ain't in there.

- Yeah, come on.
- That's a good idea.

Now, this seems simple.

Which in Hazzard
means it's gonna get tricky.

This is Bo Peep calling
Lost Sheep and Shepherd.

You out there? Come on back.

'Enos, I hope they ain't
out of range of this CB.'

No, we're just a couple
miles outside of town.

We've run into a little delay.

I got bad news for you, fellas.

'That Calloway
dude just showed up'

'and he's heading your
way to look at the body.'

What'd she say? Calloway?

Calloway is here?
Oh, no, no, no.

He's gonna get me.

Just when I thought we're
gonna get away with it.

Rosco, you gotta do somethin'.

I couldn't stand being a
widow twice in the same day.

Listen, don't
worry a thing, sis.

This is Sheriff Rosco
P. Coltrane bustin' in.

That's CB talk.

Listen, don't you
worry about a thing.

As soon as I spot him, I'll
cuff him and stuff him. I'm gone.

Rosco, that makes about as
much sense as horns on a mule.

Now listen, that fella ain't
done nothin' to be arrested for.

All you'd be doing is
arousing his suspicions.

Don't worry about a thing.

The only way we can
help J.D. now is just to

go ahead with our original plan.

Will do, Shepherd. Thanks
for the warning, Daisy.

Oh, you know what?
When Calloway looks

into the coffin and sees it's
filled with rocks, instead of me

I really will be a dead Hogg.

No, we still got a
fighting chance, Boss.

If we can catch up with
the hearse before he does.

'Get all that, Crazy C?
We're right on your tail.'

'So, you just keep moving.
And we'll do the rest.'

Shepherd to Lost Sheep.
Shepherd to Lost Sheep.

There is a big limo
breathing down my neck.

- And it's gotta be Calloway.
- Oh! Calloway! Calloway!

Roger! Shepherd. We
don't dare stop now.

- Try to pull up alongside him.
- You got it.

Hey, watch yourself now.

- Hold it steady, Cooter.
- You got it.

- Vance, you alright?
- I got it.

Cooter, I gotta get
rid of these rocks.

They just went by me. Can
you slow them down, Rosco?

Are you kidding me?

Nobody gets by Sheriff
Rosco P. Coltrane.

Smart alecks!

- 'Let's go, Boss.'
- 'Yeah, I will.'

- What do you want me to do?
- Come here. We don't have time.

- Alright, I'll do what I can.
- You got it. Come on!

Hold on.

I can't do this.

Alright, Boss!
Give me your hand.

- You know what?
- Give your hand.

I can't do it. It's no use.

- I'm too young to die.
- And you tell that to Calloway.

- He'll be here in a minute.
- Oh, let go.

- See, it's all in your wrist.
- Huh!

You just gotta zig,
and then you zag.

'I think we broke
our kumquat there'

Rosco, you were
supposed to stop them.

Sorry, we had to cut you
off, but it is important to me.

Open the back end.

Now, friend, ain't you got no
respect for the dearly departed?

I never had no
respect for J.D. Hogg

before he was a dearly departed.

He's got a real
good point there.

- Yeah.
- You'll come this way.

Now, I believe it.

If that water buffalo don't
react to food, he's dead.

Convey my
condolences to the widow.

Yes, sir.

What a performance!
He was terrific.

I never thought I'd
say this about you

but you're as
brave as they come.

Calloway is gone,
Boss. You can get up.

- He ain't moving.
- Boss.

Hey, Boss.

- Boss! Wake up, wake up.
- Boss, wake up.

'Boss, wake up. Wake up.'

What? What?

Where am I? What happened?

Oh! Oh! Oh! C-C-Calloway!

Calloway has come
and gone, Boss.

- 'You thought he was brave.'
- He fainted from fright.

That's how Boss came
back to the land of the living

up to his ears in goobers.

Stop, Enos.

Goodness! Gracious!
Lulu, are you alright, honey?

- Just fine, dear.
- How's Rosco?

Boss, I think you weigh more
when you're unconscious.

- Yeah!
- All clear, Boss.

- Here we go.
- Boss lives.

Poor old Enos found
out the hard way.

Amazing!

Now that he'd had
a good look at them

Enos went through
the mug files again.

And would you know it? He
found out that the Mallorys

was wanted for
all kinds of things.

And the Mallorys blew
the whistle on Calloway.

So, he never did get to leave
the country like he planned.

Alright, there you go.

Lulu swapped her widow weeds
for a snappy new party dress

so she could
celebrate with Boss..

Like two dancing refrigerators.

For saving his life, old Boss
told Jesse that he wouldn't

have to bring the next
mortgage payment to his office.

Boss would come and get
it himself. Wasn't that nice?

So, you could say that things
are almost back to normal

in Hazzard County.