02x05 - The Computer Kid

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys.

- Hi, Harry.

- Hi, judge.

- What's with Dan? - Dan is depressed.

Hey, Dan, look.

"Forty trampled at Mostly Mozart concert.

" I don't get it.

This stuff usually perks him right up.

Dan, if you'd rather not talk about it There's an old lady whose sole means of support is her farm and a 75-year-old husband.

He d*ed yesterday.

Sorry, Dan.

Is this a relative we're talking about? This is a tax shelter we're talking about.

I could pick up the widow's property for a song, syndicate the avocado farm set myself up as general partner and make a mint.

- But? - My phones are out.

The investment opportunity of a lifetime is passing me by.

My condolences.

Dan Fielding? Your facial's been moved up to 4:30.

Oh, and Betty called.

That's for last night.

It is incredible what they're doing with the size of personal computers nowadays.

I'm what you might call an aficionado.

Do you know what that word means? Do you know what that word means? Come here, little boy.

For your edification, this is a 16 bit CPM with 64K RAM and has floppy or hard disk capabilities.

Any other questions, keyboard face? There is no Santa, the Easter Bunny is dead and Kermit the Frog wears dresses.

Don't you talk to strangers, Jeremy.

Mom, he was telling me obscene stories.

Kids say the darnedest things, don't they? Counselor, I would appreciate it if you would refrain from any pre-trial discussion with my client.

Well, Jeremy, this is our big day.

We're going to work real closely together.

In that case, pop a breath mint.

You gotta love the little tyke, don't you? - I think kids are great, they're a joy.

- Yeah.

I understand you have to have them with a man.

I believe so.

What a shame.

- What's the next case, Mac? - Alan and Phyllis Simon, Your Honor.

They're charged with assaulting Anthony Porcaro their son's elementary school principal.

Problems with that new math, Mr.

And Mrs.

Simon? Your Honor, apparently the defendants were upset when my client decided to suspend their son.

- So Mrs.

Simon - That's Ms.

Simon.

My mistake.

Ms.

Simon registered dissent by bludgeoning Mr.

Porcaro with an almanac.

Very resourceful.

Get it? Almanac, resourceful.

Your Honor, the defendants freely admit that they overreacted as would any parent when the issue is their child's welfare.

His child's welfare.

Let's watch our grammar.

Your Honor, comma the Simons' actions were unpremeditated.

And if it pleases the court, their son Jeremy is available for testimony.

Bull, you wanna bring him on over? Let's go, little fella.

I meant him.

Didn't I see you in the Museum of Natural History? - Could be.

- Neanderthal man, right? Why don't you re-read Jack and the Beanstalk? Hi there, Jeremy.

My name's Harry.

I'm a municipal court judge.

This is arraignment court, right? That's absolutely correct, Jeremy.

So you're pretty much small potatoes, aren't you? Nice talking with you.

Why exactly was he suspended? Your Honor, he accessed the basketball scoreboard with his computer.

He then printed out during a game that Mr.

Porcaro wears a toupee.

- Really? - I do not.

Fine.

Where were we? - The guy with the toup said Oh, yeah, I remember.

Well, high-spiritedness aside, Jeremy you realize that your prank might have been in violation of FCC regulations.

The FCC does not consider scoreboards a broadcast medium.

- Thank you.

- The Communications Act stipulates I said, thank you, little boy.

Folks, what is really the problem here? He was only suspended for one day.

We're talking about a blot on his permanent record.

You creamed this guy over a blot? How will that blot look when he applies to Princeton? How will that look when it comes down to a choice between our child and some illiterate twit whose father just donated a library? I mean, I just own a small antique furniture company.

I love antique furniture.

I could redo your office, at cost.

- Now, folks, the issue here - Really? I suppose it would save the taxpayers money.

- I suppose so, Mr.

Porcaro - Perhaps suspension was too harsh.

Perhaps, but in regards to the parents there's certainly no justification for v*olence against a school official.

- I've always wanted a Louis XVI desk.

- No problem.

- When did I lose control? - Oh, early on, sir.

Of course I must insist on an apology too.

Of course.

Dear? You creamed him.

I'm sorry I bashed you, Mr.

Porcaro.

Accepted.

I wish to drop the charges, Your Honor.

Glad I could be of help.

Case dismissed.

You mean that's it? I got away with it? You got an angel on your shoulder.

You're out of here.

Let's go, let's go.

- You didn't gavel.

- Excuse me? Technically, the case isn't dismissed until you use the gavel.

Oh, go ahead.

I'll see you're out in two years.

Psst.

Psst-psst.

- What? - I made dinner reservations.

Window seats.

- How about my 10 bucks? - No, 5 now.

Five when the California call comes through.

Investing in avocados, huh? Do you think that wise, what with six bumper crops in a row? I got a tip at the mission.

What's next, Mac? If he had not plowed with my heifer, he had not found out my riddle.

That's what they all say.

Ralph Kremski, Your Honor.

Planet of origin unknown.

Would ye tamper with the wages of sin? Would ye force his terrible hand? I'll have to get back to ye on that one.

Apparently, Mr.

Kremski was arrested for distributing religious literature without a license at the Port Authority terminal.

Your Honor, I move that the case be dismissed.

Answer, lest ye call down his wrath.

Need I remind ye, Mr.

Kremski, that ye are in a court of law.

This isn't Penn Station? No.

Just an incredible simulation.

Officials felt Mr.

Kremski was harassing passengers.

He does purport to be affiliated with a legitimate religious organization.

- Which is? - The Church of Ralph.

Yes, I just got back from some missionary work in New Jersey.

That's great.

I'm gonna have to go for that psychiatric evaluation.

Hey, come back here, kid.

Jeremy, no.

What are you doing? No, don't go in there.

What is it, Bull? Mr.

Porcaro.

- The rest of him is outside in the corridor.

- What happened? The Simon boy grabbed it, handed it off to me and locked himself in your chambers.

We'll take a recess.

Do not use his name in vain, and do not lay down with beasts.

We only had drinks.

Young man, you open the door this instant.

Let me handle this.

Jeremy, this is Bull.

Open up or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your ho He read Dante's Inferno at age 10.

Never mind.

You got a bobby pin? Oh.

Forget it.

There we go.

Jeremy, what are you doing? He's plugged his computer into the phone.

This is my statement.

"To express my contempt for the entire school system I have taken their computer records hostage.

" With a single keystroke I can wipe them out, grades and all.

Well, Mr.

Platt, you're the expert.

I've seen kids break into computers in department stores, airlines, banks but I've never seen anything like this.

These records have completely disappeared.

This is beautiful.

Hi, guys.

So the little gerbil give in yet? I could turn your credit rating into garbage, Fielding.

Uncle Dan was just kidding.

- Jeremy, what is it you want from us? - Here's a list of my demands.

"A quarter of a million dollars in unmarked bills a fueled-up 747 and a Creamsicle.

" - A quarter of a million? - Have you spent all of your allowance? How about we make a deal? You put the records back and you and I will talk, okay? Dan, I got the coast on booth two I've come at a bad time.

Harry, I've gotta take this.

As long as you're going, take Jeremy to the cafeteria and get him that Creamsicle.

Oh, come on, Harry.

What was it he said about your credit? Come on, little buddy.

My treat.

In Manhattan.

The number for The Hair Bazaar.

- It's open till 9.

- Don't be a jerk.

This drives women wild.

Really? I never played basketball because I didn't have time.

Aha.

I think I've broken the code.

One more command and ta-da.

- Strategic Air Command? - Oh, fudge.

Sy, Sy, Sy.

I am sure we discussed a 15 percent management fee but I'm thirsty, Fielding.

I will get back to you, Sy.

Avocados, huh? Interesting investment.

Just so you know, there's been six bumper I heard, I heard.

Fine, I don't care if you lose your shirt.

Looks like a blend, anyway.

Let's play a little game.

It's called a*, a*, Who's Got the a*? Dan, I think your personal secretary is looking for you.

Okay, kid, you win.

They got a jumbo jet fueling up at Kennedy.

Where do you want to go? Cuba, Algeria? Disney World? I haven't decided yet.

- Jeremy, you and I have got to talk.

- Sure.

When I get down to the stick, your time's up.

- Hey, I wasn't finished.

- Take a seat, ace.

Hey.

Now, I may be small potatoes but I could b*at you back to that computer in a body cast.

Now sit down.

I hope you realize that by noon your savings account could wind up in Sarajevo.

You really get around on that computer.

Let's just say it's my best friend.

- Kind of like Timmy and Lassie, right? - Who? It's an old TV show.

A boy and his dog.

- You got a dog? - Just the one I dissected in Honors Biology.

I named him Sparky.

What do you mean we closed the deal? My partner? What par Mr.

Wainwright, I presume? You can call me Derrell.

- You closed the deal.

- You were busy, I didn't wanna bother you.

Listen, I got you the investment tax credit and 20 percent of the back end.

I used to be a financial consultant.

Oh, and by the way, I took the liberty of rescheduling your surgery.

- What? - Trust me.

So, what about friends? Do you got any friends? I mean, other than the one you plug into a socket? Take a hike, Harry.

- Translation: No, I don't have any friends.

- Can I have my plane now? - Sit down.

- Don't touch me, mister.

Ha-ha-ha.

School play.

Oliver! He's got the lead.

It's gonna be terrific.

Income averaging, believe me it would save you some substantial tax dollars.

- Jeremy.

- I'm busy.

Would you excuse us? I'd like some privacy, please.

I touched a nerve when I mentioned friends, didn't I? Who needs them? They're all jerks at school anyway.

They don't like you, do they? Well, guess what.

- I don't like you, either.

- What? You don't like to have fun.

I don't like anyone that doesn't.

- I do too like to have fun.

- But? But I don't know how.

- Really? - Really.

But you said that scoreboard thing was for fun.

I lied.

It was a semi-conscious pathetic plea for attention.

Well, that's okay.

I lied too.

There ain't no money and there ain't no plane.

And I never met a kid I didn't like.

Hey, everybody, watch this.

- Are you ready? - Yup.

Did you see that? Let me try.

Don't you get it? The kid can't catch.

Good work, sir.

A real breakthrough.

You don't get it, do you? Come here.

A yo-yo.

Here.

Here.

Good Lord, it's The Miracle Worker.

Don't you get it? The kid doesn't know how to play any games.

What do you folks do for fun? - Well, just last week we - The Wolfgang Goethe festival.

Great, did you go on any of the rides? Come on, that's adult stuff.

I'm talking about kid stuff.

- What did you tell me about baseball? - Well, they wouldn't let me play.

Well, that's because we didn't want you to get hurt, dear.

He could've lost his keyboard function.

His keyboard function? It happens to be a competitive world out there.

We're just thinking of him.

You want him to be a success at 21 if it means an ulcer at 22.

Why do you think he acts like such a brat? - He does not act like a brat.

- I do too.

You do? - Yeah.

Oh, yes.

Believe me.

He's ticked off and I don't blame him.

He's missing out on all the fun.

So are you guys.

Don't you ever do anything off the wall? What? - Off the wall? Yeah, off the wall.

Like you pull up to a toll booth and you pay for the car behind you.

Or you walk up Fifth Avenue backwards just to get a look at people's faces.

Or you moon someone.

Moon someone? What's that? Well, you drop your pants and you stick your It'll be covered in Drivers' Ed.

You are in an influential position, Your Honor.

I don't think you're setting the best example.

Hey, listen, sister.

I can tell you one thing he didn't get his job by winning a contest on the back of a cereal box.

And if he says fun is important, it's important.

Conceptually I understand your logic, but if we're to be pragmatic Pragmatic.

Oh, you wanna see pragmatic, huh? Harry, what was that you said about mooning? - Oh, that was a figure of speech - Well, not to me it wasn't.

Look at me, New York.

Is this what I fought for? I feel cleansed.

- I did that once in a Studebaker.

- Oh, yeah? Almost lost control of the car.

Phyllis, look.

He's smiling.

When was the last time he did that? I don't know.

Well, I guess we haven't been exactly fun people, have we, Phyllis? No.

Not unless you count the night your small business loan came through.

He made me put on my old cheerleader outfit Phyllis.

Jeremy, we're sorry.

How can we rectify the dilemma? Forget about rectifying your dilemma.

Take the kid to a Knicks game.

- I love football.

- Basketball.

- Whatever.

- Could we go this weekend, Dad? - Sure.

- Great.

I'll get the seats.

Loge or mezzanine? Jeremy, why don't you buy the tickets when you get there, huh? - Yes, sir.

- And if you don't mind? Oh, sure.

There, the school records are back.

- You punched the letter F? - Tricky, huh? The letter F? So simple.

So elegant.

Excuse me.

Let's go, Jeremy.

Oh, and thank you, Your Honor.

I think we've all learned something today.

- Come on.

- Come on, son.

Well, there's still that matter of the illegal break-in, Mr.

Porcaro.

Forget it.

He's learned his lesson.

I know I have.

Listen, everybody, I know I was a little snotty before and I'd like to apologize to Billie and Bull.

And most of all you, Harry.

- What about me? - Don't hold your breath, fish face.

The kid's gonna be all right.

Let's get back to work, huh? Look at me, New York.

We're being mooned, people.

Look at me, New York.

In the city hall building, there's a bare behind.

No, I think that's Mayor Koch combing his hair.

Look at me, New York.

- That's the Hall of Records.

Hey, it looks like Candy.

Hey, Candy! Look at me, New York.

Look at me, New York.

Look at me, New York.

Look at me, New York.

There are eight million stories in the naked city.

Somebody had to say it.

Look at me, New York.

Look at me, New York.

Look at me, New York.