01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

[???]

[???]

I'm telling you,
I hardly remember her.

She was
an old girlfriend.

She's named you
beneficiary in her will.

She was a grateful
old girlfriend.

Look, whatever it is
that Marcy left me,

whatever old poetry
I wrote,

I just want to collect it
and get back uptown.

I have an :

with Arthur Simon Whitehead,
wealthy person.

He is giving me minutes
to convince him

to let me
invest his wealth.

And if I land this account
they will make me partner.

Or vice president.

Or put a window
in my office.

You know,
I never thought of you

as the type who wrote poetry.

I'm not.
That was a long time ago.

I was very different
around her.

Michael,
you don't have to deny

that you were in love
with someone on my account.

Hey, I am not the type
to deny my feelings,

unlike you who wants me
and won't admit it.

I want you. I want you
to be my friend.

Well, Kathryn,
that's all I want too.

Really?
And how do you define friend?

Friend.
Someone I have seen naked.

Would you like to know
how I define best friend?

No.

Michael.
I'm your attorney.

You take a professional
relationship to bed

and you know
what you become?

I myself became
the Appellate Judge

of the Fifth District Court.

Your Honor.

Honor schmonor.

It took six minutes,
and now I'm a Judge.

We are awaiting
one more beneficiary

and then we may
see to the administration

of the Marcy Bradford estate,

which is evenly split
between you.

All your old girlfriends
leave you

percent
of their worldly goods?

So far.

Okay. I met her
during the summer

after my freshman year
in college.

We were in Key West.

It was
just me and her and...

Did you say
one more beneficiary?

Excuse me,
is this the room

where they're reading the will
for Marcy Bradford?

[SNIFFS]

Thirteen years later,
you still wear Hai Karate?

It wasn't bad enough
I had to share her

with you
when she was alive, huh?

Your Honor, I have several
more appointments today.

I'm sure you do.
Look at you. Hey.

Without me around, looks like
you've become just another suit.

You want to pin
a label on me,

you can start with
coffee achiever.

I'm not just another anything.

I happen to have my life
exactly the way I want it.

This your girlfriend?
I have no idea.

Michael. Aren't you
going to introduce me?

Nope. You don't
want to meet him.

He wears sweaty T-shirts,
he eats meat, he's an animal.

Look at him.

Guess I've been going
at this girl all wrong.

I'm Joey Harris, the man

Michael wants to be
when he grows up.

Well, whoever Marcy was,
she seems to have mattered

very much to both of you.

That was a lifetime ago.

And I, myself, have no feelings
about her anymore.

Hey, neither do I.

Fine.
May we get started, please?

"I, Marcy Bradford--"

Marcy Bradford loved me.

Don't come in here
after years

and start
twisting around something

that was very
important to me.

She d*ed. This was the first
woman I ever cared about.

Hey, this was the last woman
I ever cared about.

Seems she cared for both of you
about the same.

Although who am I to judge?

Whatever Marcy left us,
let's appraise it,

sell it, split it,
goodbye. Agreed?

Absolutely. I got no reason
to live with the past

any longer
than I have to.

I got a reason.

Luggage?

Oh, please let it be
that she left us luggage.

WILBUR:
wondering who this is.

No.
Uh-uh.

This is Nicole Bradford.

Congratulations.
It's a girl.

She would have to be .
She doesn't look .

She looks .
She looks .

Tell these nice gentlemen
how old you are, sweetheart.

[MOUTHS]
Twelve.

Thank you, Nicole.

And you know, I really
could've used that luggage.

The court is in possession
of your medical records.

The father is....

biologically
indeterminate.

Well, that's you.

Your Honor, what are
the consent alternatives

as stipulated
in the will?

Excuse me,
Perry Mason.

There are certain
responsibilities

that come with fatherhood

that I don't know
if I'm ready for.

There's also a little thing
called love

that goes along with it.

Oh, that's right.

Make me the bad guy for
being practical.

We're talking about a child
here, huh? A little child.

Now, if you don't want her,
I'll take her. Okay?

I'll take Nicole.

I'll take Nicole.
Want some fries with that?

Joe, you're not
ordering a McDaughter.

This is a little female human.

She needs two parents
and a proper bringing up.

Exactly as is the intent
of this will.

Unless you two gentlemen
can demonstrate family harmony,

and if today's behavior
is indicative,

I have my doubts,

then Nicole
becomes a ward of the state

and will be remanded
to the county adoption home.

Is that some nice,
modern facility?

You've read Dickens?

[???]

Well, this is home.

This is where
you get to grow up.

Oh, my God.

I love it too.

Hey. First thing we do, okay?

Go to the top
of the Empire State Building.

'Cause I want you to see
this whole city.

Because it's yours.
I give it to you.

Where are the walls?

Then we go to
Yankee Stadium, huh?

We'll eat hot dogs,
popcorn, peanuts.

And we'll throw up.

Real father and daughter stuff,
you know?

Is this my bed?

[KNOCKING]

It's wood.
I've got a wood bed.

I'm getting nervous now.

Come here.
Come over here.

[GRUNTS]
This is what I do.

I made this.
Everything you see here,

everything hanging up,
everything on the floor. I made.

Oh. You're an artist.

You're poor.
You have to live here.

Look at this bed.

[KNOCKING]
It's always made, right?

You wanna know why?

Hey.

It's for people like me
who hate to make the bed.

What do you got in that bag?

This is Mr. Beebles.
I tell him my troubles.

Hey, Mr. Beebles.

And this.

Whoops.

Twelve is a difficult age.

Now we've got each other
to tell our troubles to.

So you make things?

Yeah, I make anything.
How about lunch?

Sure. You want Chinese,
we'll go to Chinatown.

You want Italian,
we'll go to Little Italy.

How about tuna fish, here.

Huh?

We don't have to go anywhere.
What do you have?

I don't understand
what you mean.

In the refrigerator.
Where lunch lives.

Oh, hey, we've got champagne.
And champagne. Okay.

No frozen food?

Ice skating. That's what
we're gonna do first.

Ice skating
in Rockefeller Center.

Then we'll go to a basketball
game at Madison Square Garden.

[PHONE RINGS]
Telephone. I think.

Hello? Hey, Eddie.
Man, what's shakin'?

Yeah, I'm just sittin' around
here with my daughter.

Yeah, I just got her,
she's .

That was today?

Oh, man, you gotta
cover for me.

No basketball game?

Tell Mr. Hollander I'll be
down there in five minutes.

No ice skating?

Hey, listen, Nicole.

This is a big opportunity
for both of us.

This is Hollander's.
Major art gallery.

You just look
around the loft,

get yourself familiar
with the place, okay?

'Cause it's yours.
I give it to you.

I won't be long.

No lunch?

[???]

Nothing changes, does it?

You are still the same
unreliable guy you always were.

Something bothering you?

"Yeah, sure, Judge. I'd like to
be responsible for Nicole.

Unless I have
to go somewhere."

I'm sorry my meeting
took so long.

That's okay.
Did you get my note?

Look what she does, eh?
Look what she does.

She dots these I's
with these little hearts.

Isn't that great?
Hey.

It's day one,
Mr. Responsible.

Day one and already
you disappear,

she ends up in my office.

Do you know how?
By subway.

Hey, kids in this neighborhood
take the subway all the time.

I don't care what other kids do.
I only care what this kid does.

When did I grow
my father's finger?

Don't come down here telling me
about right and wrong

when you didn't even have
the right to care yet.

"Gee, Judge, I think I need time
to think this thing over."

I'd think
any normal person would.

[KNOCKS ON BED]

Who sleeps here, Gandhi?

You understand
what I mean, don't you?

Right now I'm having a difficult
time understanding anything.

Because you're
in the middle of so much.

I'm in the middle
of starving to death.

I ordered a pizza.
It's gonna be here any minute.

I just don't happen to be
the type of guy

who makes impulsive decisions.

This is not some puppy
that you take home

'cause it looks at you
through a store window

with a sad-eyed puppy face.

Don't do that.

I think Nicole deserves
the best possible bringing up

by the best possible
parents

and in the
best possible home.

My God,
you actually live here?

What makes you think
that I'm not

Nicole's best possible parent?

[DOOR BUZZER BEEPS]

Because you know nothing
about raising children.

What do you know
about raising children?

What's there to know? She's
already outgrown the hard part.

Yo. Who's the looker?

Okay, so maybe there's
a little hard part left.

Thank you.

Joey. Nobody knows you
better than me.

I mean, you always do this.
You act on a whim.

You never consider
the future responsibilities.

Like the time with the goat.
What goat?

The goat. The team mascot.

It was your week to feed it,
you forgot, and it d*ed.

We had to play Penn State with
a dead mascot on wheels, Joe.

You want Nicole
to end up on wheels?

Are you gonna get up
every morning

and pull her to school, huh?

Maybe I don't live my life
as organized as you do.

So what? Maybe I'm not ruled

by an appointment calendar
like you are.

I'm not ruled by anything.
No?

Give me the book, Joe.

Hey, Mikey. I'm holding
your life in my hands, Mikey.

That's really
a great move.

That's really smart.
Isn't that nice?

I'm glad to see
you've really grown up, Joe.

Hey, I just freed you,
Michael.

You're a free man now.

So, what's going to be
your first act as a free man?

Buy a new back-up date book.

I don't see how
you could possibly think

somebody with Marcy's spirit

could've ever
been interested in you.

Hey, guys,
our first meal together.

She loved my ambitions
and at least I have some.

No, don't fight. Let's eat.

If it wasn't for you, I'd have
been with her all these years.

No. You're deluded, pal.

Marcy was
much too classy a woman

to have ended up with you.

Out.
Fine.

I want you out of here.
Right now.

Thirteen years is
too short between visits.

Stop!

My mother would never
have loved you guys.

You don't want this to work.

I don't want either of you
for my father.

[???]

Nicole.
You don't really mean that.

Yes, I do.

I don't want to hear you
argue anymore.

We'll stop fighting.

When you're not fighting,
you're in meetings.

I'm in the way.

I was never
in my mother's way.

She was always happy
to see me.

I saw your faces
at the judge's.

You weren't happy
to see me at all.

I was willing
to give you a chance.

You just don't want
to give me one.

JOEY: Nick--
I'm sorry.

But I'm years old,
and my mother d*ed,

and I just want
to go to sleep.

You can take me back
in the morning.

Nicole, they'll put you
in an adoption home.

I'd rather be adopted by people
who think that having a daughter

is the most wonderful thing
in the world.

Nicole. Wait a minute.
No.

Please don't follow me.

Just take me back tomorrow,

and maybe I won't
remember you too much.

That is definitely
Marcy's kid.

She's got fire in her

that didn't come from
either one of us.

Maybe she's right.
What?

Between the two of us, we
barely managed to get her fed.

What kind of parents
would we be?

Hey, I wasn't gonna make
her study hard.

I was gonna take her out late.

Man, I was gonna be
a great parent.

And you would, wouldn't you?
What?

You would just-- You'd change
your life, just like that?

You would become Nicole's father
and you wouldn't think twice.

Yeah, I guess I would.

That kills me about you.

I know.

I mean, every time
we had plans

to do something
that we wanted to do,

we'd end up doing something
we didn't want

'cause you can't stand
having plans.

Because every time I'd do
something you want,

I live to regret it.

When did we do something
I planned?

I went to Key West with you.

I fell in love with the girl of
my dreams, and I lost her.

Yeah, but the food.

You have anything to drink
in this place?

Yeah, there's some champagne
in the refrigerator.

Ain't too much
to celebrate.

Well, we could drink
to Marcy.

Okay. Maybe just one bottle.

Hey, Joe.

Supermarkets.
Grasp the concept.

And I thought Wisconsin
was only known for cheese.

Give me that.

[CORK POPS]

[CORK POPS]

[BOTH SIGH]

To the only girl
in the world.

[BOTTLES CLINK]

[SIGHS]

Whew.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I should be
getting back uptown.

Yeah.

Unless there's something
you want to talk about.

I don't have
anything planned.

Why? You think we have
something to talk about?

Yeah. Look at us.

I mean, we can't even
share the kid.

We can't share
a bottle of champagne.

Now that
we're gonna be fathers,

why don't
we become adults too?

Meaning what?

Meaning, why don't we finally
admit that she loved us both.

You first.

She loved you, Michael.

And I hated you
for it every day.

[QUICKLY]
She loved you too, Joe.

[NORMALLY]
She loved you too, Joe.

Her only flaw.

And we fought with
each other so much,

she didn't want anything to do
with either of us.

Now she's giving us
another chance.

Now that we're older and wiser.
We've blown it again.

[???]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WILBUR: Hello?

Your door is open.

Very nice
in this neighborhood.

I know that voice.

Perhaps I've come
at a bad time.

This is not
what it looks like.

We've just become friends again.
[JOEY SNORING]

That's what it looks like.

[GRUNTS]

Morning, honey.

I'll never drink again.

[STAMMERING]
a little champagne

to celebrate
our new daughter

[BOTTLE CLINKS]

If this is
what I can expect

when I have an appointment,
I can't wait

to show up unannounced.

You had an appointment?

Excuse me.

She had an appointment?

Did I forget
to mention that?

Yes, you forgot
to mention that.

Which is very unlike him.

Gentlemen, despite
the intent of the will,

the court's responsibility
is the welfare of the child.

Before I turn this case over
to social services,

I want to make sure
Nicole is satisfied

with her two new guardians.

Well, of course.

I'll go see if
our precious dear is up.

And tell her about our reunion,
which she knows nothing about.

So. How did you enjoy
your first day as a new father?

Oh, it was, uh--

[CHUCKLES]
I was going to take her skating,

I was gonna take her
to the basketball game,

you know, to the ballet.

But I didn't.
Just ran out of time.

The day just went by so fast.

That's why you get a whole
lot of days to be a father.

You're gonna have
a whole life together.

Go wash your face.

Uh, Joe, can I speak to you
a minute, please?

Where's Nicole?
Can I see you a moment, please?

Is there a problem,
gentlemen?

Oh, no. Everything's fine.
Terrific. Couldn't be better.

She's gone.
She's what?

She's gone.
Empty. Vacancy.

There's nobody home.

We lost her.
I don't lose anything.

I've had the same shoes
for years.

We have a -year-old one night,
and we lost her.

Gentlemen?

Yeah, her door's closed.

I think she's probably
getting dressed right now.

An almost teenage girl
getting dressed.

This could be hours.

Why don't you come back?

I'll wait.
Okay.

I don't think
she trusts us.

Oh, why?

Just because she finds us
in bed together

with empty
champagne bottles?

And now our kid
is gone forever?

I think we're
Father of the Year.

Nobody is gone forever.

We're going through
an adjustment period.

She's gotta understand that.
That's her job.

We should tell her?

If we can find
the right way.

Tell me what?

Never mind.

I went to get breakfast.
Wasn't taking any chances.

You stayed?

You think I'd leave you
with half a father?

Nicole, there's somebody
here to see you.

You came to take me back?

Do you want to go back?

Are you two gonna fight
any more?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Nicole. Michael and I,

we haven't seen each other
for a lot of years.

We're two completely
different people.

We look at life
in completely different ways.

So there's going to be
a lot of times when we disagree.

Right?

Right. But because of you,

we've started to remember
why we used to be friends,

and if you're still willing

to give us a chance,
maybe we can remember

how to be the guys
that your mother loved.

Why?

Well, because...

Because we're two people
that think that...

having a daughter is one of

the most beautiful things
in the world.

[???]

When did you decide that?

We had a meeting.

Dad?

Yeah?
Yeah?

Just checking.

She's got my chin.

She's got my eyes.
Look at that.

I can tell she's mine.
She talks in complete sentences.

She's got my sense of humor.

Oh, yeah?
Which one of us has

has a great smile
like Nicole, huh?

Which one of us is tall
like she is?

NICOLE:
is a light sleeper?

[???]