01x21 - The Family in Question

[bunniefuu]

"Dear editor,

we read with alarm
Carlton Crow's article

about Judge Margaret Wilbur's
nomination

to head the city's
Family Services Commission.

He claims she's not qualified
for the position

because she put
a family together

that has two fathers
and no mother.

He claims that
that is no family at all.

They're my two fathers,
and we're a great family,

She was right to do it.

So if you're any kind
of a newspaper

you'll take it all back.
Yours truly, Nicole Bradford."

Coffee.

Hey, judge,
you holding up okay?

Why?

Because some guy with a column
and no brains

is taking pot sh*ts at me
in the daily rag?

What do I care?

I got the sun in the morning
and the moon at night.

Okay.

Hey, did anybody read
Carlton Crow's column today?

Apparently the mayor's
getting cold feet

and maybe thinking about
withdrawing your nomination.

Let me see that.

I better get
my letter in quick.

What's the address
of that paper?

I'll save you the stamp.

You can give it to me now.

Yes, it is I.

Carlton Crow,
guy with a column and no brains.

Hey. Where the hell
do you get off

writing a bunch of lies

about anybody in this family
being unstable?

Easy, Spike. Now, let's go play
with your rubber mouse.

Michael's right, Joe.

You stay out of this.

I know how to handle
the press.

Get out of my face,
you bucket of sewage.

Have we vented sufficiently?

Good. Now to business.

Judge Wilbur, will you be
withdrawing your name

and making the mayor
a happy chappy?

My question exactly.

Oh, look.

The broadcast media.

Myra Young?

I can't believe it. Your hair
really does look like that.

Judge Wilbur, I'd like to do
a piece on you for Profiles.

You wanna take me apart?

Get in line.

You're a public figure,
judge.

The mayor appoints you to head
a commission on families.

The reporter uncovers
an unorthodox family

that you put together

and claims that makes you
the wrong person for the job.

My viewers wanna know
who's right.

The judge or the reporter.

Interested?

Interested.

One thing.

I can't do a story on you
and leave them out of it.

Forget it.

Oh, what's the matter,
judgie?

Afraid that your family
will wither

in the glare
of the TV lights?

I won't have them
dragged into this.

Judge,
we're already in it.

Yeah. He att*cks you,
he att*cks us.

We want you, sucker.

How about it, judge?

You're on...

bub.

[???]

NICOLE:
Cute, huh?

This is my dad
and this is my dad.

How did I get two dads?
They inherited me.

Congratulations.
It's a girl.

Here's the judge
who brought us together.

She lives in our building.
My building. I own it.

NICOLE:
we're one big happy family,

with one dad
who's down-to-earth

and one dad
with his head in the clouds.

I-I think
we're father of the year.

? You can count on me ?

? No matter
What you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing
By your side ?

? I'll be right behind ?

? No one loves you
More than I do ?

? Put your hand in mine ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Welcome to Profiles.

Tonight: families.

It used to be easy
to spot one.

Mom, Dad,
Susie, Bobby, Fido.

Now the definition is hazy

with domestic units ranging
from single-parent households

to communes.

It's gotten so confusing

that the mayor of New York
has appointed this woman,

Judge Margaret Wilbur,
to head a commission

with the purpose of defining
the family unit today

and determining who is
and who is not eligible

to receive
Family Service benefits.

MYRA:
of this loft

in the SoHo district
of New York City,

year old Nicole Bradford
lives.

Nicole's mother d*ed
less than a year ago,

leaving a will
that specified

Nicole be left with her father
in New York City,

a father Nicole
did not know existed.

Hi, Dad.
Hey, sweetheart.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

MYRA:
father-daughter relationship,

except for one unusual wrinkle
in this arrangement.

[JOEY CHUCKLES]

Hi, Dad.
Hiya, sweetheart.

Hiya, Joe.
Hey, Michael.

How was your day?

MYRA:
And thereby hangs a tale.

Michael and Joey
were best friends

their whole lives
until they met Nicole's mother.

They both fell in love
with her.

And they fought over it.

She didn't wanna be the cause
of ending a lifelong friendship,

so she left.

But the damage
was already done.

They didn't speak
to each other again

until I called them in
to read the will.

Whatever Marcy left us,
let's appraise it,

sell it, split it, goodbye.
Agreed?

Congratulations.
It's a girl.

We're talking
about a child here, huh?

A little child.
Now, if you don't want her,

I'll take her. Okay?

I'll take Nicole.

"I'll take Nicole"?
Wait.

Want some fries with that?

And you allowed this?

Yeah, what the hell?

Well, maybe she thinks
that's just peaches and cream,

but quite frankly,
it makes me nauseous.

MYRA:
for the New York Sentinel.

He's covered city hall
for the last two years.

Here's a woman
who is appointed

to uphold the sanctity
of the American family,

and she's handing out
year olds to bachelors.

I mean, heh, what's next?

She gives a cat to a bus boy

and that's a family and they get
to sponge off the city? Heh.

The paper is firmly
behind Carlton.

MYRA:
is the managing editor

of the Sentinel,
and Crow's boss.

I mean,
we're not making this up.

I mean,
Carlton did his homework.

Right?

MYRA:
created a family unit

or thrown together
a questionable arrangement,

as the Sentinel maintains?

We decided to get to know
the family in question,

and see for ourselves.

I was scared of New York
at first.

You know, I didn't know anybody,
and I missed my mother.

I'm her best friend.

Oh, this is Nina. Heh.

MYRA: Hi, Nina.
Hi.

I like your hair better
than Diane Sawyer's.

Like the world needed to know.
Well, I do.

Tell us a little
about your two dads.

Well, Michael's
a really great guy,

and he works uptown,

and he helps me
with my homework,

and he always knows
where my shoes are.

And Joey is like
this brilliant artist,

and he works out of the loft
that we live in.

Now, this piece,

I call it America.

Huh? Heh.

It's furniture.

Oh, you could sit on it.

Well, why don't you build
a regular chair?

I don't know how.

[PHONE RINGING]

Excuse me.

Go ahead, try it out.

Joey Harris, years old,

is an artist
by training and temperament.

He makes his home

in the Bohemian community
of SoHo

for the last eight years.

He has never been married,

preferring the free-wheeling
single life.

Veronica.

Look, Veronica-- Heh.

Look, I can't talk now, okay?
I'm on television.

What?

Veronica, look,
I can't even think about that

on television, all right?

So how has Nicole
changed your life?

Well, uh...

I don't go out
as much as I used to

since Nicole's been here.

And the kind of women that I've
been interested in lately are,

you know, women
that I'd consider

for Nicole's mother.

Except Veronica. Heh.

And what's it like
living with Michael?

Michael? Well...

Michael and I are, uh...

Well, we're--

Very, very, very
different people.

To illustrate, let me tell you
a funny story happened

when we were in high school.

We were hiding
in the girls' locker room.

Just after the girls'
hockey team won

the state championship,
all right--

[PHONE BUZZES]
Excuse me.

Bernice,
I asked you to hold my calls.

I got TV camera--

Oh. Uh...

Okay. I have to take this.
It's Finland.

Hang in--
It's a terrific story.

Yeah. Hello, Gunnar.

[SPEAKS IN FINNISH]

MYRA:
A financial adviser,

Michael describes himself
as a reformed workaholic.

What brought about
the reformation?

The arrival of a bouncing
-year-old girl named Nicole.

So, of course, we eventually
gave back the trophy.

And Joey kept the towels.

[MYRA LAUGHS]

I told you,
it's a great story.

Boy, high school
seems so long ago.

[PHONE BUZZES]

No calls, Bernice.
I don't care who it is-- Oh.

Hi, honey.

No, what happened today
in school with Nina?

MYRA:
does Judge Wilbur

fit into this family?

Well, the judge says that
we're the parents, you know,

and she's gonna stay
out of it.

But when you need her,
she's there,

saying she's gonna stay
out of it.

Once she's done
staying out of it,

the problem's usually fixed.

She's a smart lady.

She's a kind lady.

She's a scary lady.

For some reason,
they live in fear of me.

I encourage that.

You don't seem worried
by the Sentinel's att*ck.

How long can
they write about me?

I'm not that
interesting a person.

The public's gonna get bored,

they'll find something else
to write about.

And this is what they found.

The New York Sentinel itself
filed a petition

challenging the order
of Judge Margaret Wilbur

that awarded custody
of Nicole Bradford

to Michael Taylor
and Joseph Harris.

Quite frankly,
this is no longer just an issue

of Wilbur's faulty judgment.

In fact, this paper feels
a civic duty

to rescue this child
from her environment.

We want to see this little girl
in a proper foster home

with a father and a mother.

Hey, they can't take Nicole
anywhere, can they?

Of course not. We're family.
Right, judge?

Judge?

What was once a campaign

to keep Judge Margaret Wilbur
from assuming her new post

with the City Family Services
Commission has escalated.

Now a family is threatened.

Or is the Sentinel correct?

Are Nicole and her two fathers
not a family?

We asked the people
who know them best.

Philadelphia
from ' to ',

then Minnesota, San Francisco,
Green Bay, Detroit,

then back to Philadelphia,

then to the Giants in .

Then Buffalo, Atlanta.

Saskatchewan--

MYRA:
Do you know this man?

He owns the SoHo eatery

on the first floor
of the judge's building.

But he is perhaps better known,
maybe,

as former NFL center
Ed Klawicki,

who, in his -year career,
set one record.

He played for more teams
than anyone else

in football history.

Seattle, Oakland.

Then in ', I was injured
and spent the whole season

with Kansas City.

I bought a house,
they traded me to Miami.

Ed, you see Joey, Michael
and Nicole often.

Well, they gotta eat.

What do you think
of the family arrangement?

Actually, I think any home
filled with love is a family.

And for some of us

who are not fortunate enough
to have a family,

would take what they have
in a New York second.

I'm sorry, Ed.

I didn't realize that
you couldn't have a family.

Oh, heh. No, no, I can.

Just that I'm never in a city
long enough to meet anyone.

Hey, you know,
they're having auditions

for the school play
tomorrow.

Nina and Rachel
are going out for the play,

so I thought I would too.

Hey, that's great, sweetheart.
That is great.

You gonna eat that?
I'm gonna eat this.

BOTH: Hey.
What's the play?

Guys and Dolls.

You want my advice?

You can take it or leave it,
but, of the two,

I see you as a doll.

You do, huh?
I really do.

MYRA:
with Nicole and her dads.

How do they compare
to your family?

Well, I mean,
it's really different.

How's it different?

See, my mom and dad
are, like, normal,

and when they disagree,
it's a fight.

But, see,
Mr. Taylor and Mr. Harris,

they always disagree.

So it's like
they never fight.

I don't want to punish her,
but I think we may have to.

Well, what'll it be, huh?

Wanna ground her, spank her
or have her arrested?

I think we should
at least talk to her.

Okay, Ward,
but go easy on the Beav.

Or it's like
they always fight.

I'm sorry, Nicole.

Quite frankly,
a little homework by Her Honor

would have revealed two guys
at each other's throats,

the thr*at of v*olence
permeating the house,

ready to erupt at any time.

Now, somebody tell me,

how healthy
an environment that is

for a little girl
to grow up in?

Research.

Jeez, I hate research.

MYRA:
We asked Dr. Joyce Brothers,

senior fellow
of Boston University's

William D. Eckerling
Foundation Center

for Advanced Research
of Family Unit

Psychology and Behavioral
Patterned Response,

as well as chairman
for the National Symposium

on Fundamental
Parent/Child Dynamics

in Adaptive Contemporary
Domestic Cohabitation.

Looks okay to me.

Of course they fight
all the time.

But they don't fool me.

Gentlemen,
we know why we're here.

It rarely works to stay together
for the sake of the child.

So even though you and Joey
often disagree,

it's simply because
you're very different people.

It doesn't necessarily mean
that you don't like each other.

Isn't that right, Michael?

No.

We don't--
We don't really get along.

I don't know what to tell you.

DR. BROTHERS: Joe?
Uh...

We used to be real good
friends, but now--

Don't lie to me.
I'm Joyce Brothers.

Okay, okay, he's my friend.

He knows all the presidents,
all state capitals,

and I still like the guy.

Could I go now?
DR. BROTHERS: Michael?

I don't smoke.

Don't make me use psychology
on you, Taylor.

I'm the best there is.

He's my good friend.
How good?

Best. Okay? I'm best friends
with a guy who wears an earring

and paints dishes.
I said it. Are you happy?

Okay, so they get along.

But just because
they're good friends

doesn't mean that
they are good parents.

Now, I've done
a little digging.

They let Nicole...date.

Now, who knows
what kind of creeps

they're letting her
go out with.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

NICOLE.
I'm not ready yet.

Hey. Hey, did you tell Cory
about the cameras?

No.

Hey, Mr. Taylor.
Hey, Mr. Harris.

MYRA:
he alleged creep

her fathers let her
go out with,

year old Cory Kupkus.

Is he Nicole's boyfriend?

Well, as Nicole puts it,
he's a boy, and he's a friend.

Come on. Sit down.

Here you go.

So where you going
tonight?

Oh, uh...

We're going to the movie
across the street.

MICHAEL:
You're back by :, right?

They're not coming with us,
are they?

[CHUCKLES]

I'm ready.
MICHAEL: No!

What?
The skirt. Too short.

Change.
Dad, this is the style.

Myra, isn't this the style?

Change.

Hey. You looking
at my daughter's legs?

[VOICE CRACKS]
I would never!

Carlton Crow maintains

that Nicole is in
an unsafe environment

because Michael and Joey
are inexperienced as parents.

Well, we're all inexperienced
with our first child.

The only difference here
is that their brand-new baby

is years old.

So compared to parents
of other year olds,

they'd seem
less experienced.

Then how do they handle
parenting problems?

How do they clear
the big stumbling blocks?

Mostly, they don't have to.

She breaks a leg,
they take her to a doctor.

Let's see how they do
with the little problems.

That's the test.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

MYRA:
Is this a bad time?

Yeah. We got sort
of a situation here.

Not now.

I don't wanna be on TV
right now.

Her friends got a part
in the play, and she didn't.

So is this
how it usually goes?

Michael talks to her
when she's upset?

This is sort of his area,
yeah.

Cheering her up?

No. He's sort of
like a comedian.

You know, he cracks a few jokes,
she smiles,

then before you know it, we're
all here laughing together.

See, Joey's real good
at this.

She's crying real hard,

and Joey's the kind of guy
that he'll get in there,

and he'll cry
right along with her.

Then she'll get it all
out of her system.

This is why it's good
we got the judge around.

This is a little girl's problem.
It needs a woman's touch.

You wanna call Klawicki?

I suppose this question
has to be asked.

If the Sentinel's campaign
is successful,

it might mean
the breakup of this family.

What do you think
of that possibility?

My daughter?

What do I think of somebody
taking away my daughter?

I'll tell you what I think.

Uh...

I'll tell you--

MICHAEL:
Let me tell you something.

First of all,

one of us is Nicole's
natural father.

So let's say
they find out it's me,

you think that's gonna prevent
Nicole from calling Joey Dad?

Or that I'd want it to?

Or if they find out
he's the father

and they move to Alaska, you
think anything would stop me

from moving into the igloo
next door?

Right?

Right.

Our feeling
is that a foster home

will be the optimum situation
for Nicole.

MYRA:
What's best for Nicole?

Since the beginning,
quite frankly.

MYRA:
is not a factor here?

We resent that implication.

Uh, now, Myra,
perhaps what we've uncovered

ain't all that pretty,

but when you dig
under a rock,

you're going to uncover
a little dirt. Heh.

Gentlemen,
I've done a little digging.

And I've recently
unearthed a memo

that I'd like to read to you
if I may.

To Milt Tucker
from Carlton Crow.

Re: Nicole B. campaign.

"Latest figures from circulation
show increases in daily sales

"of , copies.

"We're right on target.

"I estimate a lawsuit
could bring

"an additional , sales.

Is it a go?"

I never received that memo.
What?

You're fired.
No, I'm not.

The next day, Sentinel readers
were greeted with this item.

A courageous endorsement
of Judge Wilbur.

Boldly buried on the bottom
of page .

I don't know that it makes
any big difference.

What's worse?

Having a rag like that
att*ck you or endorse you?

So I'm out of the headlines
for now.

But, who knows,
maybe I'll show up again.

In a love nest...
with Tom Selleck.

But what of Michael, Joey
and Nicole?

Are they a family?

Webster's defines family

as larger than a genus
but smaller than an order.

We're in there somewhere, judge,
aren't we?

I've always thought so,
sweetie.

But is Judge Wilbur
the right person

for the Family Commission?

There's only one man
who can answer that question.

We have Mayor Koch
live from his office

in New York's city hall.

Mr. Mayor, good evening.

Good evening, Myra.

I never miss your show.

I just wanna say,
as I've always said,

Margaret Wilbur
is the only person

for this job.

She is a superb individual

and a truly great judge.

Joey, Michael,
you got a terrific daughter.

Nicole, you got it made.

You're living
in the greatest city

in the world,

and you've got
two outstanding fathers,

even though one of them
looks a little Republican to me.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

And what is the reaction
in SoHo tonight?

We take you live
to Klawicki's Diner.

Nicole, what do you think
of what's happened?

I think it's great.
We won, right?

Hey, we're a family,
sweetheart. Heh.

And the mayor said so.

We can go
to the zoo now.

MYRA:
do you feel better now

about not getting the part
in your school play?

Thank you very much.

MYRA:
Sorry.

Judge,
do you have anything to add?

No.

MYRA:
This has been Profiles.

Good night.

[???]