01x22 - Friends of the Family

[bunniefuu]

Coffee.

What a day, huh, judge?
After a long winter,

there's nothing like waking up
to the birds singing

and the sun
shining on your face.

Yeah, you just can't help
walking around

smiling on a day like this,
can you, judge?

Pour it in the cup.

I don't understand why I have
to wear a jacket today.

It's like summer out.

That's pneumonia weather.
What's that?

It's the season
between winter and spring

when only my mother is cold.

So then why do I have
to bundle up?

As my mother explains it,
you have to be careful

when it's warm
before it's supposed to be.

You get disoriented,
you go crazy

for the rest of your life.

And you believe that?

Okay, let's take the day off
and hit the beach.

Yes.
[NICOLE CHUCKLES]

Hey, Mr. Kupkus, you got
any big plans for the summer?

If my mother can afford it,
I'm hoping she'll let me go

to Interlochen.
The performing arts camp?

Yeah, for my singing.

Really? You're going away?

Yeah, but the camp's coed.

Separated by a lake.
I'm a lousy swimmer.

So why don't you come?

Hey, yeah. Can I go?

Can you sing?
Can I sing?

[SCOFFS]
if I can sing.

Have a nice summer.

Oh, here, Mr. Klawicki,
why don't I take that?

Cory, come on.

You know your money's
no good in here.

It's on him.

You're really gonna go
to the beach today?

Yeah, took the bike
out of the garage this morning,

Got Cory's brother Roy
waxing it up,

Maybe I'll go down
to Coney Island,

you know,
paint a boardwalk scene.

Wait. You let my brother
near your motorcycle?

Yeah, why?

[BIKE ENGINE STARTS]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Kupkus, party of one.

[???]

NICOLE:
Cute, huh?

This is my dad
and this is my dad.

How did I get two dads?
They inherited me.

Congratulations.
It's a girl.

Here's the judge
who brought us together.

She lives in our building.
My building. I own it.

NICOLE:
we're one big happy family,

with one dad
who's down-to-earth

and one dad
with his head in the clouds.

I-I think
we're father of the year.

? You can count on me ?

? No matter
What you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing
By your side ?

? I'll be right behind ?

? No one loves you
More than I do ?

? Put your hand in mine ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

[???]

My bike.

My door.

Guys, we got Roy Kupkus
lying in a heap.

Let's deal
with what's important here.

My bike.
My door.

Hey, Roy? Are you sure
you're all right?

I'm terrific. Heh.

I found a parking spot
in New York.

Hey, who the hell told you
you could ride my bike?

I was sitting on it,
polishing the handlebars.

My foot must've slipped.

Oh. Your foot slipped.

Oh. His foot slipped. Heh.

You know, that happens to me
every once in a while too.

Like now!
Wait, wait, wait!

Look at the bike!
Not a scratch on it!

Hey, stand still.
I wanna hurt you.

Wait. When'd you ever see it
shining like that, huh?

Look at the wax job.

Okay.

Hey, you did good work.

Ten bucks.

Or free. Your choice.

Come on, let's go.
show's over.

You guys got school,
I got work,

Joey's got...

whatever it is he does.

Ooh. We can all leave
through this convenient exit

that the elder Kupkus
was kind enough to forge for us.

So could I put you down
for once a week?

You are one large son of a g*n,
you know that?

Well, let's see.

I suppose
I could press charges

for the cost of a new door,

but these days it takes so long
to get in front of a judge.

Oh. Here we are.

Okay, court's in session.

The honorable me presiding.

Roy Kupkus,
you stand accused

of breaking down
Klawicki's door.

How do you plead,

you guilty little
juvenile delinquent?

How much for the door?
Five hundred ought to cover it.

Five hundred?
Where do you expect me

to get that kind of money?

I expect you to knock over
a gas station.

Which is why I'm sentencing you
to work it off here.

BOTH:
What?

You can use the help,
Klawicki.

And I'm sure he can use
the responsibility.

Why don't you let him work
as a bus boy?

Let him cook.

He doesn't know
how to cook.

Trust me,
no one'll know the difference.

Okay. All right, kid.

Grab an apron
and get to work on the dishes.

I'll pay you--
What's the minimum wage?

Three thirty-five.
Two seventy-five an hour

Which I'll keep
until you make good on the door.

Washing dishes.

Well, gee, that's a swell offer
and a golden career move.

And I'd probably be forced
to take you up on it

if I was, like, some mutant
from Neptune

without a mother
who I got eating out of my hand

and will gladly cover
the damages.

I believe I made the way out.

Great.

Now I got a big hole in the wall
and the flies'll come in.

No, they won't, Klawicki.

Give them some credit.

[???]

You gonna tell Mom
about what happened today

at Klawicki's or are you
gonna keep it a secret?

Hey, Squeaky,
when have I ever tried

to keep something I've done
a secret from Ma?

Oh, well, the correct answer
to that would be...

your whole entire life.

Look, it was an accident.

Parents forgive their children
for accidents

then they repair the damage
their children

have accidentally done.

That's what a parent does.

Personally,
I don't get the attraction.

I guess neither did Dad.
Heh.

Hey, forget about Dad. He went
out running five years ago,

and he kept going.

His thighs must be this big.

ROY:
Ma, hi.

Let me take that for you.
What'd you do?

How many people were hurt?

Hi, Mom.
Hello, my perfect child.

Did you have a good day?
Mm-hm.

Good.
Sometimes I get the impression

you love him more
than you love me.

Roy, you know
I love you both the same.

Cory, my angel,
who never caused me to drink...

I wanna talk to you
about that camp

you wanna go to so much.

Interlochen?
Mm-hm.

Okay, well, then
we got something important

to talk about, okay, Ma?

But first,
I'm gonna put these away.

For you.

Were there police involved?

Cory, you know
when you first asked me

to go to camp last year,

I wanted to send you,
but it was too expensive.

Uh, that's okay.
Is it still too expensive?

No, it just took
every spare penny we've got,

so you better write me
every day.

I will. Thanks, Mom.
You're welcome. Heh.

Stop it. You're too old
to be hugging your mommy.

Come on, stop it. Heh.

Roy, okay, your turn.

Now what's this important thing
you wanna tell me?

Oh, uh...

I got a job in a restaurant.

[???]

Hey, waiter!
Where's our burgers?

Hey, waiter!
Hurry up with those fries!

[CHUCKLES]

Nice apron, bud.

[ALL LAUGH]

It's your mother's.

Who gets the burger?

Uh, it's mine.

And, uh,
it better be rare,

or I'll have to make you
take it back nine or times.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Well, gee , Mitch,
I think it is, but let's check.

Mm. Yummy.

Who gets the fries?

Freeze!

Now put the fries down,
real slow.

Where I can see them.

You'd like to apologize
for the service.

And to make it up, you'd like
to buy them dinner, right?

I ain't buying them nothing.

Ooh.

My waiter seems to need
a quick attitude adjustment.

Won't take a minute.

Come, Roy.
Hey.

Leave my hair alone.

You're not my father.

Aren't we both real glad
of that?

What were you doing over there?
They're my friends.

Well, in here,
they're my customers.

And you exist to wait
on my customers hand and foot,

as long as they come in here
with money in their pockets.

It's good to see a guy
enjoy his work, huh?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You have my apologies,
and burger's on me.

Thanks.

Hi, how are you?
Nice to see you.

How you doing?
By the way,

you were all wonderful
in West Side Story.

Thank you.
Was the service here adequate,

ladies and gentlemen?

Oh, yes,
we liked it so much

that we're gonna leave
the waiter a five-dollar tip.

What?
Dad.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Trabajar, verb.

To work.

The conjugation
is trabajo, trabajas, trabaja,

trabajamos, trabajáis,
trabajan.

But you were a football player.
Where did you pick up your skill

in foreign languages?
Placekickers.

Roy?
Hey, I'm on my break.

Yeah, that's fine,
but I was thinking

maybe you can get a homework
accomplished like Cory,

instead of reading
your car magazine.

Roy knows everything
there is to know about cars,

When I get older, he's gonna
teach me how to drive,

Right, Roy?

I might.

It's great
having an older brother.

Did you ever have one
like Roy?

Like Roy?

No, darn it.

Yes, ma'am, may I help you?

Thank you.
I'm just here to see my boys.

Hi, Mom.
Hi, honey.

Let's go, honey.
It's getting late.

Roy, here,
I made you some dinner.

Oh, thanks, Ma.

Excuse me,
but this is a restaurant.

You didn't have to go
to the trouble.

Yes, I did.
I've eaten in this restaurant.

Mom, this is the Mr. Klawicki
I've been telling you all about.

He's a famous football player.
Well, not so famous.

I guess not, otherwise you could
probably afford a front door.

Yeah.

The old one
suddenly came apart.

And this is my mom.

Karen Kupkus.

Ed Klawicki.

Hi.

Hey, I got an idea.

Since we're already here,
um, why don't we, you know,

like, all have dinner,
together? Yeah.

ROY:
No.

Lousy idea.

Why?
Because.

You and Ma gotta get home,

and me and Mr. Klawicki
got work to do.

Actually,
it's kind of a slow night.

Why don't I whip us all up
some pot roast?

Maybe I can change your mind
about my restaurant.

I don't know. Heh.

What do you mean
you don't know, Mom?

When's the last time
you had someone cook for you?

And besides,
I'm picking up the check.

Well, now, how can I turn down
an offer like that? Heh.

Good.

Put it on Roy's tab.

[???]

Problem?

Yeah, problem.

And it's you.

Why? What did I do?

"Why don't we all have dinner
together?

When was the last time you had
somebody cook for you, Ma?"

What are you trying to do?

Well, maybe I think
Mom could like Mr. Klawicki.

He's nice, he's smart,
he's got all his own teeth.

Well, maybe I don't want Mom
to like Mr. Klawicki,

you little cupid
squirrel head.

Why not?
What's the matter with him?

She can do better,
all right?

Roy, you say that about
every guy she goes out with.

And every guy she goes out with
you're ready to call Dad

and buy him
a Father's Day card.

What's wrong
with wanting a father?

We have a father.

Oh, sure we do. He's probably
running through Kenya by now.

He hasn't stopped by
to say hello in five years,

and we haven't had a phone call
in eight months,

He's trying to tell us
something.

And I'm trying to tell you
something.

We're doing fine
without some guy coming in here

to play Daddy for a while
before he decides

I'm good for nothing
and takes off too.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about Dad had
a reason for leaving, okay?

Before, you may have been
too young to know

what that reason was...

but now you're old enough
to know.

What was his reason?

[SIGHS]
You're looking at him.

[???]

[???]

Judge, you know how sometimes
Michael and Joey

will run into a problem
with Nicole,

and sometimes you step in
to help,

and sometimes you don't?

Well, what I need to know

is how to determine
when to step in.

Problem with
the Kupkus boys?

That's amazing.

How did you know?

I hate you!
I loathe you!

And I despise you!

It's this sixth sense
I have.

This radar
for human behavior.

You drove Dad away.
I'm gonna mess you up!

Don't underestimate me, Roy,

because I got ketchup.

And I'm not afraid
to use it.

So I should step in?

Carefully, Klawicki. Family
relationships are very delicate.

And before you know it, you're
in deeper than you intended.

No chance, judge.
Watch how lightly I tread.

That's right, Mr. Klawicki,
hold me back.

How's it going, kid?

Fine, except
I'm sitting on a fork.

Cory, is there something
you wanna tell me?

No, Mr. Klawicki. I just need
to work things through with Roy.

Hey!

[EXHALES]

Roy. The kitchen.

Cory, I can't force you to talk
about what's bothering you...

but I think of you and me
as kind of pals,

and if you want to,
I'll listen.

[???]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, hi, Ed.

Come on in.

Listen, uh...

I normally don't interfere
in family matters.

Should I be sitting down?

Maybe so.

See, I'm this guy
with a restaurant,

and I stand behind the counter,
and people come in,

and sometimes they talk,
and sometimes I listen.

And sometimes I hear things
somebody's mother should know.

Look, Ed,
I know whatever it is

you're trying to say
is difficult--

I don't wanna meddle.
Meddle.

Because life
is passing us by.

All right.

Why'd your husband
leave you?

There, now,
was that so hard?

None of your business, Ed.

An employee of mine thinks
he was the reason.

Roy?

That's what he told
his brother,

and that's what
his brother told me.

I saw what it was doing
to the brothers.

And I see what
it's doing to you.

I never interfered
in any family before,

and I never will again.
Ed.

Thank you.

I was just leaving.

Why was he here?

I gotta see him all day,
why do I gotta see him

when I come home too?

Roy...

what have you been thinking
all these years?

What?

We need to talk
about your father.

I got homework.

You haven't done homework
since sixth grade.

Yeah, I'm way behind.

Sit down.
Don't tell me what to do, okay?

Sit down.

Yeah, I've been
on my feet all day.

All these years, you think
you had something to do

with your father being gone,

and you decided
to keep that inside?

No, Ma,
it's the first thing I say

when I meet people.

"Hi, I'm Roy Kupkus,
father repellant."

You think he left
because of you?

I was never good enough
in school.

I was never good enough
in sports.

Nothing I did
was good enough.

[SIGHS]
That's why he gave up on me.

That's why he left.

Roy...

nobody walks out
on a -year-old kid.

If he wanted
to walk out on you,

he would've done it
when you were weeks

and cheesing on his shirt.

So don't flatter yourself,
sonny boy.

He walked out on me.

He didn't love me.

He loved you.

You're just like him.

You're stubborn,
and you're wrong.

You're your father's son.

Except you love me.

How do you know?

You sat down,

you stayed to listen.

Your father
would've left the room.

[CHUCKLES]

It's because
I'm scared of you.

Yeah, that's a form of love.
It is?

You scared of me too?

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I'm scared of you
very much.

Now come here
and give your mother a hug.

Ah, I'm tired of sitting
anyway.

[???]

Michael, Joey, Nicole.

Don't ever fight.

A family shouldn't fight.

A family should just
love each other all the time.

What happened over there,
Klawicki?

She's a good woman.

Uh-oh.

What color eyes she got,
'Wick?

Joey, I didn't go over there
for her eyes,

which are blue
when you first look at them.

After you stare a while, there's
these little green flecks.

We lost him.

Carefully, Klawicki.

Family relationships
are very delicate,

and before you know it, you're
in deeper than you intended.

Nah. I'm just
a casual observer.

I'm just a friend
of the family.

Maybe I'll give her a call.

[???]

I'm not buying
the mad routine anymore, Cory,

You don't got it in you
to be mad for minutes,

especially at me
who you worship and emulate.

Not anymore, Roy.

Not if you're the reason
I don't have a father.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

Turns out for the first time
in my life, I was wrong. Heh.

I view it
as a growth experience.

Wrong about what?

Turns out that dear old Dad
didn't walk out

on account of me.

Yeah, Ma told me.

He walked out
on account of you.

What?

Couldn't stand your
squirrel-head face one more day.

And apparently
when you were weeks old,

you cheesed on his shirt.

I never!

Nah, I'm just pulling your leg,
Beav.

Really?

Yeah.

Look, it wasn't me,
and it wasn't you.

And to tell you the truth,
I don't even think it was Ma.

Dad just--
He wasn't a responsible guy.

So he walked out.

Mom thinks I'm like him,
but I'm not.

Because I take responsibility
for the things I do.

Like Klawicki's door.

Did you ever tell Mom
about that?

Me and Ma
got this new policy now.

We love each other to bits.

Of course I told her
about the door.

What door?

Ma. I didn't hear
you sneak in.

Ma.

[PHONE RINGS]
Excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Ed.
You wanna talk to Roy?

Oh, you wanna talk to me?

Saturday night?

Dinner?

Well, that'd be lovely, Ed.

What's the special?

Feeling pretty good, huh,
cupid squirrel head?

Yeah, pretty good.

Yeah, well,
I got some news for you.

You know, ketchup...

comes in
squeeze bottles now.

[???]

[???]