05x12 - Jack of All Trades

[bunniefuu]

(PANTING) Oh! Hey! Excuse me.

(SCREAMS) Watch out! You crazy? Yes, yes Hi, may I help you? (STUTTERING) Yeah Yeah, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

I'm being honored tonight by the Pan-African Congress for my work with leprosy and I don't have a thing to wear.

Changing booth's right over there.

(LAUGHING) Hey, this bozo just didn't evaporate into thin air.

Check this place again.

How's it going in there, sir? These slacks are a little snug, but why don't you ring this stuff up? (BEEPS) Eddie, what's a Code 19? What? Let me see that.

Well.

Mr.

Plastic Fantastic, huh? Excuse us.

I don't think you understand what I'm trying to tell you.

My mission is vital to national security, I'm working deep cover.

For whom? Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.

Call Dan Quayle, he'll vouch for me.

Give it a rest, pal.

Okay, you leave me no alternative.

You've put me in a position where I'm forced to reveal highly sensitive, classified information.

What's this? My FBI contact.

What? You gotta be kidding.

He's insane.

No, I am not his FBI contact.

Yes, I am a detective.

Yeah, okay, okay.

Yeah, all right.

Well, I'll be there when I get there.

All right, bye.

Somebody pulling your chain? Ripley would not believe this one.

Some joker that they arrested on Miami Beach for shoplifting told them that he was working undercover and that I was his FBI contact.

(LAUGHING) That's pretty inventive.

I give that one an eight.

Let's take a ride.

I got just two words for you.

Oh, yeah? What are they? Star Wars.

Star Wars? Stolen secrets.

JACK: You think I'm kidding? You got any ideas about who this turkey really is? He insists he's working with you, undercover.

JACK: The Russkies have put up a nuclear net and Our bombs are bouncing back on us.

You'll think twice about keeping me from my appointments.

DETECTIVE: Oh, yeah, I'll be all broke up, and feeling like a traitor.

You know this guy? I've never seen him before in my life.

(LAUGHING) Hey, cuz.

Cuz? I don't care if this dude is the Pope's cousin.

I'm taking this one to the wall.

Now, if he wants a jury trial, fine, let's do it.

But, uh-uh, no way I am gonna let this guy walk! Hey, do you have any idea how much stolen inventory I have to account for in any given year, huh? Christ, it would boggle your mind! We're real sorry this had to happen, Eddie.

You're sorry, huh? Well, listen, sorry ain't gonna get it, my friend.

I am gonna see justice prevail! Well, that's your right as a citizen, Ed.

(CHUCKLES) But I'd go easy on the outrage if I were you, uh Eddie Abbott, alias Eddie Gomez, alias Eddie Gilbert, alias Gilbert Tobias.

What the hell is it this week, Eddie Rabbit? What At 18 you did two-to-five for armed robbery.

Twenty-two, another deuce for extortion.

And last year you were booked for suspicion of trafficking stolen property.

Yeah, so what (CLICKING TONGUE) Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Do you know what this is? What? Looks like a search warrant.

Good for you.

Bad for you.

They faxed this over from downtown along with your record.

Look, maybe I'm being a little hasty here, huh? Okay.

After all, it ain't my store, right? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Well, I'll see you.

So how come you never talk about him? Do you ever talk about dandruff? The man's embarrassing.

He's one step ahead of his creditors, he'd cheat on a blood test.

Your cousin's got an active imagination.

You are lucky, Jack.

He's gonna drop the charges.

Great! But I wasn't worried, not with my cuz on the case.

My blood! What're you doing here, Jack? Been here a couple of weeks, checking out new career opportunities.

Oh, yeah? I thought you were gonna seek your fortune out west.

You mean the dude-nude ranch? Yeah.

A concept way ahead of its time.

I'm playing other angles now.

What is it this time? Velcro toupees? Or cut-rate trips to the Holy Land? Hey, that's ancient history.

You live and learn, Sonny.

Live and learn.

Yeah, well you got the live part down, Jack.

Well, hey, hey, I'm You don't even know me any more, Sonny.

You can't even see that I've changed.

That little fandango today, that's the last.

From now on it's a new deal.

Trust me.

I got a job.

A real job with tremendous growth potential.

Oh, yeah, doing what? Sales.

(LAUGHS) "Captain Mike's World o' Waves"? Pool deals so good you can't afford not to buy.

Oh, yeah, this I gotta see.

My friend, what more can I tell you? This Sea-O-Vac will clean the pants off any pool cleaner on the market.

It's got a patented process, saving the best for the last here.

Water-cooled nelds.

What are nelds? You gotta ask? Home and Garden, spring issue, 1983, what separates the men from the boys in the world of high-performance pool cleaners is Sea-O-Vac's water-cooled neld thrusters.

Huh? The pool enhancement cleaning system of the future.

I never heard of no nelds, man.

You're hustling me.

Miguel.

Go with this a second.

Suck.

Huh? The pool.

Oh.

(WHIRRING) Works good, huh? Works all right.

Just all right? Come on, hey, look, you put on this other head Where's my assistant? If you could keep up your end, Mr.

Crockett, please? The Rug-O-Vac head, please.

Thank you.

Check this out, Miguel, it's like a pool cleaner and rug cleaner all in one.

Two utensils for the price of one.

It's a steal! You're a master of understatement.

Come on into my office.

You don't mind if I take my break now do you? I'm a little overdue.

Take five.

Take ten.

What a guy.

Let's get this paperwork out of the way.

Bottom line on the Deluxe Sea-O-Vac.

Too much.

You tell me.

What's fair? No way.

Okay, okay.

Cash? Cash.

Let me talk to my boss.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi Water-cooled nelds, Jack? Would you give me a break? Have you ever heard of the Consumer Protection Agency, Jack? Sonny, shh.

You'll interrupt my count.

Six Mississippi, seven Mississippi Who the hell is this Captain Mike, anyway? Very dynamic guy, got a whole other way of being.

I met him in Georgia.

Nine Mississippi, ten Mississippi Oh, yeah? You and Mike close? Oh, yeah.

We shared a cell together.

You think he's ready? Kid, I went to the mat with the boss on this, and I just want to say, you got yourself a deal 'cause it's the last one in stock.

All right! And even though your savings are coming out of my commission, enjoy yourself.

Now, about that cash.

You take Cuban money? (DOORBELL RINGING) MAN: Yes.

Who is it? Jack Crockett, Captain Mike's.

Not too often I make house calls.

But then again, we don't get too many customers threatening to torch our store.

You know, I don't understand.

You running a game on me? I sent my boy to buy a pool cleaner and you sell him that piece of garbage! Hey, he begged me to sell it to him.

I tried to tell him Sea-O-Vac is one of our loss leaders.

But his heart was set, hey? Just give us the money back, all right? I don't I don't know you didn't bust it yourself.

Captain Mike personally checks out every last one of these babies.

That right? MAN: Shipment's in.

I gotta go.

We just got our patio furniture in.

Hey, let me send you out a new one.

I ain't got time for this, cockroach! You gonna make it right, or do I gotta get physical, huh? Take a check? Captain Mike wants all his customers to be happy.

Miguel, cash! Yeah.

(MAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH) Come on.

Let's move.

Can I help you? Greetings! Jackie, Jackie, why you making this so hard? You're into me for sizable bucks.

Hold it, Harry.

You knew the risks.

It's not my fault the restaurant went under.

Kosher Chinese is very big out west.

You know, you're a nice guy.

I'm a nice guy, too.

But you know my motto, "Be nice for money.

" Now, you owe me 50 Gs and I want it.

And I'm tired of chasing after you to get it.

Look, Harry, I just need a little space.

Hey, hey, hey, you remember that weekend at Bear Mountain, huh? We had those two stews from Finland? We had them wearing ski goggles, tied up in toggle ropes.

Boy, that was some good trouble, huh? Yeah, yeah, kid.

But you know what I remember? I remember the black bear chasing me down the ski slope while you were in the ski lodge jamming with Olga.

That's how it is with you, kid.

You have all the fun and someone else picks up the dues.

No more.

You owe me 50 Gs and I want it.

I don't care where you get it or how.

Just get it.

You know, you're much too sweet a guy to whack.

But if I don't have it in 24 hours, guess what? Miguelito, that you? Stuff it.

Hey, whoever you are, either you lost your way to Epcot, or else you're very stupid.

Fill her up.

Leaded or unleaded.

It's up to you.

Now don't try anything stupid.

JACK: Oh, man, there's Sonny's car.

What's he doing here? Great timing.

(CLEARS THROAT) Hey, cuz.

Hiya, cuz.

Where do you come off affording a joint like this? Well, I'm staying with friends.

What are you doing here? Well, I Hell, you're family and I don't get to spend much time with you.

I thought I'd come over and rekindle the familial spirit.

Yeah.

That's great.

But you should've called first.

I'm kind of pressed for time.

I got a date.

Oh, you got a date? With who? (STAMMERING) June.

Her name's June.

June who? June Porch Alini.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

And just exactly what does this dame do? This Italian princess that you pick her up after 10:00? Well, we gotta go out late, 'cause she's in surgery.

Surgery? You gonna unlock the door? Yeah, you know what I mean.

I mean, she's in brain surgery as a nurse.

Look at that, I left it open.

But, you know, you're right.

I ought to give her a call.

Just make yourself comfortable.

Oh, I'm sorry, June.

Yeah, oh, well let's do it another night.

Another night.

Yeah (CHUCKLES) Ah, yes.

Oh, he lost all motor control? That's just terrible, honey.

That's terrible.

Sense of smell, too, huh? Oh, well, you know, a lot of people get along without a sense of smell.

Okay, okay, kiss, kiss.

Bye! Nice house, Jack.

How come all the furniture's covered? Oh, bugs.

Moths, actually Upholstery moths.

You know, they're indigenous to Florida.

Moths.

Bugs, huh? That the fridge? Oh, hey, let me.

I mean, you're my guest.

God, this is flat.

How about Let me get another one.

No, let me.

Let me.

Whoops! Here you go.

(PHONE RINGING) You gonna get it, Jack? Maybe your date got loose.

Right.

Hello.

Oh, yeah, yeah, he's right here.

It's for you.

Yeah, Crockett here.

What? You're kidding me.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Well, don't start the party without me.

I'm on my way.

Well, you're not gonna believe this one.

We just got a tip that some whacko in a mouse mask just took off a major dealer down here for 50,000 large.

Can you believe someone would be that stupid? Some heist.

Yeah, yeah, put this back on ice.

I gotta go run it down.

Hey, hey, Sonny.

I'm really glad you came by.

You might try an exterminator, Jack.

For the moths.

Oh, yeah.

Right, yeah.

Fifty grand.

It's all here! You're surprised, Harry? Why, you know I'm a man of my word.

Yeah, but your word's usually bull.

That's the dif between you and me.

Faith.

You got no faith.

Hey, what do you call it when you had a half-a-mil of your own money on the street? I'm gonna tell you something, you run juice, you gotta have faith.

Yeah, but you didn't have faith in our restaurant.

Not that I'll hold that against you.

"Dare to dream.

" That's my motto.

Oh, yeah? "Stiff me and die," that's mine.

I'll tell you something, I like you, kid.

But when it comes to doing business, we should just say no.

Hey, what the All right.

Let's get out of here.

You're a scary dude, know that? You sell my kid a lemon, you come into my house with a mouse mask and a g*n and you take my money.

The man who does that is not afraid to die.

And if you're not afraid of death, that makes you scary.

I'm afraid to die.

I don't know what you're talking about.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH) Don't insult me, all right? You're wearing the same dumb pink shoes.

You want me to bust into your house and find the mask, too? That money, it was drug money.

You gonna turn me in? Yeah.

Look, Johnny Law, I not worried about that.

That money is not mine.

I lease it.

From Señor Escandero.

You got a big mouth.

But if I were you, that's who I'd worry about.

Escandero? That right.

Yeah.

I can understand him wanting his money back.

Twenty-four hour.

Smart guy with the pink shoes.

Wait till Escandero gets a hold of him, huh? Yeah, and I told this guy, "Hey, who do you think you're talking to?" Hey, now, it's the entrepreneur.

Harry, you and me, we gotta have a talk.

In private.

Excuse me, will you? You know, one look at you, it tells me this is gonna be no good.

It just so happens, this is your lucky day.

Have I got an idea? Can't miss.

You ready? Jack, Jackie! No, look, "Handbag City.

" What do you say? How's what? What kind of lame I'm talking animal skins.

Throw-away animal skins.

It's perfect.

Look, you got your snake skins, your lizards, your geckos.

You think environmentalists are gonna raise a stink about a gecko bag? Everybody wants animal skins.

What do you say? I think you're whacked.

This is stinkola.

Oh, come on, Harry.

Where's your vision? Jackie, say good night, huh? Okay, okay, look, look.

Harry, I need the money.

(LAUGHING) And now the truth comes out, huh? Huh? How much? Fifty yards.

Fifty yards? Huh? Just the amount you borrowed before and by some miracle I got it back.

You think I'm so lame I'm gonna give it to you again, huh? Because if you do, you're nuts, man! Harry! I don't have time for you to editorialize! I gotta have it! They're gonna k*ll me! All right.

All right.

No sign of your cousin yet, Sonny? No, no.

He's never been known for his punctuality, anyway.

That jerk.

(GRUNTS) I wanted so much to meet you.

Sir Escandero? Good guess.

And you're the man with the glandular problem, huh? The one with big stones.

I'm just an average guy.

Very average.

The man who would rob me and then pay me back with counterfeit money.

Money I myself printed only a few weeks ago.

Counterfeit money? I didn't know that.

Oh.

k*ll him.

Wait! You'll never get your money.

My friend, the money doesn't concern me.

It ebbs and flows.

No, I am a man of principle and I don't like to be taken advantage of.

I can get your money in an hour! You know, I do not like sniveling, but your plight intrigues me.

Well, what the hell is one hour to me one way or the other, huh? $50,000 or a man's life? Oh, the possibilities are interesting.

You won't be sorry.

I want to see what he comes up with.

But I want Julio and Martin to accompany you.

There, there, that's the guy.

Pull over.

Hold on, I'll just be a minute.

Call him.

(STUTTERING) Yeah, but I gotta go Verbalize or die, pal.

Don't make no dif to me.

Yo, Sonny! Can you come over here a minute? Oh, Jack, I don't like this.

Uh-uh.

Hey, Jack.

How you doing? You're a little late, aren't you? I guess you got detained, huh? Yeah, detained.

Yeah.

Hi, hi, guys.

How you doing? Boy, what a nice car.

Golly! Can I take a look in here? Boy, that is really nice.

Oh, damn! Oh, sorry.

Now! Come on! Come on! Come on! Go, go, go, go.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING) A few laughs, a couple of drinks, hey, cuz? I have no idea what happened.

I was walking along, minding my own business, these two guys grabbed me.

You know, I've read stories about Miami being the m*rder capital of America, now, wasn't thinking I was ever gonna end up being a statistic.

So it's gonna be one of those Academy Award winning lies, eh, Jack? Jack, Jack, Jack, when are you ever gonna learn to play it straight with me? Oh, for God's sake, Sonny, you never ever believe me.

Well, that's because you never tell the truth, Jack! But you're gonna tell me the truth this time, or I'm gonna beat the living crap right out of you.

All right! All right! All right! I borrowed some money from some guy, and he thinks I ripped him off.

How much? Fifty K.

Who'd you borrow the bread from? A guy, he's just a guy.

Oh, just a guy, just a guy.

A guy who hires guys who almost k*ll us! You're gonna answer me right now, Jack.

That's you, Sonny, that's you, Sonny, always quick on the trigger, huh? Never give a guy a break when you can use some muscle.

A little muscle just saved your worthless life, cuz! You hate me.

Oh, God, Jack, for Christ's sake, no, I don't hate you.

Yeah, yeah, you do.

Yeah, you do.

I don't blame you.

Always the jerk to screw up in school, me.

You were golden boy.

Yeah.

Football star, w*r hero, cop.

I'm nothing to you.

Jack.

Jack, you remember that old Indian bike you had? Sure.

Four cylinder job, the big spider decal.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was some bike.

Man, the way you used to ride that bike.

You were like Brando in The Wild One.

I thought you were the coolest guy in town.

I wanted to be just like you.

You know what, Jack? You would never take me on that bike.

Never.

And it's the same now.

I didn't wanna influence you, Sonny.

You were a good kid, a star.

Anybody could see that.

Me, I was just like my old man.

Drunk.

Loser.

I didn't wanna contaminate you, Sonny.

Is that true, Jack? Yeah.

It's the only true thing I've ever said in my life.

Sonny, this money thing.

It's just something I got in over my head.

That's all.

(SIGHING) Well.

We'll fix it.

Hell, you're family.

Well, first thing I got to know is who these guys work for.

Just some thug, a weirdo.

A name, Jack.

I need a name.

Escandero.

Octavio Escandero? SONNY: Now, when we go in there I want you to just follow my lead.

JACK: Can I improvise? Jack, stick to the script or I'll sh**t you myself.

You see, I understand the situation perfectly, Mr.

Escandero.

That's why when Jack came to me, I came directly to you.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be burdened with this idiot? Yes.

I see.

All because my poor dead aunt made me promise that I'd keep an eye on him.

I'm sorry, Sonny.

I failed the family.

You're sorry? You make mala figura with my new friends, here.

You embarrass me in front of a man like Mr.

Escandero.

And you think "I'm sorry" is enough? Well, I can see that you're a man of principle, Mr.

Burnett.

It's too bad such ideals aren't shared genetic traits.

I'll do better, Mr.

E.

I promise.

I'll be more disciplined.

Shut up.

Believe me, you'll receive all the discipline you need if you don't return my money.

Now, Mr.

Escandero, I want you to know I've got something serious working on a couple of fronts, and you're gonna get your money.

You can believe me.

I believe you, Mr.

Burnett.

You seem to be a man of honor.

Oh, he's honest.

You talk way too much.

Dumb people should not speak.

You know, you can learn a great deal from this man, Jack.

A great deal.

You know, I was wondering, Mr.

Escandero, since I'm in the neighborhood, maybe I could do a little shopping.

Exactly what kind of shopping were you talking about, Mr.

Burnett? Oh, well, say, something in recreational pharmaceuticals.

Nickels and dimes don't interest me.

Ah, yes.

Well, not even if they're followed by, say, five or six zeros? You know, P.

T.

Barnum was right.

We got him, Sonny.

You out of your mind, Jack? Escandero is no sucker.

Let me tell you, he's a k*ller.

He'd just as soon sh**t you as look at you.

That's why we got to make the set up tight.

We'll nail him.

Wait, you'll see.

We'll nail this bozo, cuz.

You and me make a hot team, don't we? My God.

You been reading too many comic books.

Black Jack.

What're you gonna have? Turkey.

Figures.

Oh, come on, come on, Sonny.

Admit it.

I was pretty good, wasn't I? All right.

For a civilian, you did okay.

Hey, maybe I should be a cop.

Better yet, you and me go into business together.

"Crockett and Crockett, Private I's!" You better make that a double.

Harry, you did a number on me.

That wasn't right.

I did a number on you? Get real, kid.

You passed me funny money.

It screwed me up with a really important guy who could've k*lled me.

Hey, that's not my problem.

You don't pay me back, that's still not my problem.

But I'm not gonna take a roust from a bust-out like you.

Harry, we were friends.

Past tense is perfect.

You piece of garbage.

You're finished, Harry, only you don't know it yet.

Oh, yeah? What're you gonna do? Call a cop? That's right.

That's right.

That's what I'm gonna do.

And it just so happens he's my cousin.

One of Miami's finest! Wise-ass! I never touch cash, personally.

So, tell me, when do I get delivery? Soon, Mr.

Grubbs.

Very, very soon.

Looks like the two hundred's all here.

So, tell me, Mr.

Grubbs, what do you intend to do with the money? I'm not gonna pass it in Miami, if that's what's bothering you.

Maybe a little juice, but I'm thinking of opening up one of them, you know, what do they call it? Dutch Antilles loan-out corporations? I'll tell you why I ask, Mr.

Grubbs.

I was just on the receiving end of a not-so-funny joke.

Somebody owed me money, and what I received back was my own issue.

Hey, tell me, what did this guy look like? Short, scrawny guy.

But incredibly hopeless in his criminal pursuits.

His name Jack, by chance? What if it is? I'll tell you what if it is.

His cousin's heat.

Don't get any ideas.

This is flush money for Escandero.

Kind of like, "You show me yours, I'll show you mine.

" Sonny, I may bend the law a little north and south now and then, but when it comes to my country, one thing I'm not is a quisling.

A what? A quisling.

I'll take your word for it.

I gotta let Switek know what we're doing.

Please go with me.

(ESCANDERO EXCLAIMS) ESCANDERO: A family reunion, how touching.

Not a particularly good way to endear yourselves to your customers.

O, what a tangled web we weave When first we practice to deceive! Are you familiar with the immortal Bard? Okay.

What's the game? It's no game.

No game today.

No, it's been called on account of heat.

I know you're a cop, Burnett.

Or should I say, Crockett.

And you.

Oh, you should be ashamed to mire your cousin in such a mess.

Mr.

Soliz.

Oh, it's my fault.

Don't worry about it.

We don't really have the time to tally up the bone-headed plays you've made.

(SIGHING) It's my fault.

I shouldn't have gotten you into this and I know better.

Well, this guy's gonna k*ll us.

Unless we figure a way out of here.

I can't figure out how he made me.

Well, I think I know.

What? Well, there's this guy, Grubbs, see, and I guess I kind of I guess he does business with Escandero and I What're you saying, Jack? Well, hell, Sonny, I'm really proud you're a cop, and I You blew my cover? Fifty grand.

That ain't bad.

SONNY: I'll k*ll you! (GLASS BREAKING) A family feud, how touching.

Martin, go break them up before they k*ll each other.

Yeah.

Why should they spoil my fun, huh? I'm gonna k*ll you.

MAN: Knock it off! Freeze! Where is he? MAN: The post.

Behind the post! (GRUNTS) Escandero, freeze! You okay? Yeah.

Never better.

Where's your cousin? Jack? Damn! (BOAT ENGINE REVVING) How much he get? Fifty K.

That's department issue.

We'd better nail him.

Nope.

I don't ever want to see Jack Crockett again as long as I live.

In this life or any other.

But what about the cash? Yeah, fifty K's a lot of money.

But he won't get far.

It's counterfeit.