02x19 - Married Alive

[bunniefuu]

-Um. pardon me. would it be a bother--?
-Go away.

I'm sorry. it's just that
I'm involved in the next case...

...and I was wondering if there was
anything I should know before it starts.

Yes. you have what appears to be
a bushel of spinach...

...wedged between your two front teeth.

Whoops. Heh-heh.

That's always happening with this thing.

[LAUGHING]

That's the Yogi Berra model. isn't it?

-If you'll excuse me. Mrs...?
-Oh. Douglas.

-But it's Miss. I'm single.
-Did I mention my w*r wound?

All rise.

Criminal court part two.
city of New York. is now in session.

The Honorable Harold T. Stone
running things.

-Running things?
-I'm on a variety kick.

You may be perched.

First case. Your Honor.
People v. Wilbur Posten.

as*ault.

Allegedly hit Mr. Mervyn Jenkins.
a limousine driver, with a horse whip.

Ah. spare the rod.
spoil the chauffeur. eh. Mr. Posten?

-Do I have to laugh?
-Legally. no.

Mr. Jenkins was driving a limousine
down Central Park West...

...when Mr. Posten
and his horse-drawn carriage...

...failed to make it through
a yellow light.

I assaulted the man all right.
but he k*lled my Buttermilk.

And you know something.
she would have been . uh....

Let's see. one. two. three.

She would have been in the spring.

Did you ever consider retiring her.
Mr. Posten?

No. My Buttermilk didn't know
the meaning of the word quit.

Apparently. "whoa" was left out
of her repertoire as well.

Your Honor. may I come forward?

If it's relevant to the case.

Oh.

My employer. Your Honor.
Miss Patty Douglas.

DAN:
The Patty Douglas?

The Patty Douglas whose father
owns shopping centers...

... hotels and a small town in Ohio?

Yes, sir. That's the heir to $ million.

Lying sprawled all over the floor there.

-I thought of something that might help.
-You did?

Listen. I feel so sorry about your horse.

I was wondering
if it might make things better...

...if I gave you another one
out of our stables?

-We --
-I'll make it a racing thoroughbred.

You can call him Mr. Lucky.

-It's a gelding.
-Scratch that.

Lady. you got a deal.

Fine. What about the charges.
Mr. Jenkins?

Oh. well. We can forget about those.

-Can't we. Jenkins?
-Oh. yes.

I'm sure the flogging
was just all in good fun.

Terrific. Case dismissed.

-Miss Douglas.
PATTY: Yes?

About that w*r wound....

-Oh. yes.
-It's all the way down at my ankle.

Pity leash laws don't apply to men.

Actually. I think Dan's showing
a little more restraint than usual.

Sure. five whole seconds
and we haven't seen his tongue.

She asked me out to dinner.

-Are you gonna go?
-No.

She's a graceless social error.
She'd be a public embarrassment.

-You'll take her to your place.
-Yes.

ICHUCKLINGI

So the porpoise said.
"What? And lose my Diners Club card?"

That's the joke.

Ah. so it is.

ICHUCKLINGI

Sometimes I even make myself laugh.

[LAUGHING]

Maybe you should swallow
the cottage cheese first.

Boy. it is so obvious
what he's doing with her.

Yeah.

What?

Bull. Dan is flat broke.
Patty has $ million.

You figure it out for yourself.

He's gonna stick her
with the check. isn't he?

This may require visual aids.

Well. Patty. you're getting to be
quite a regular around here. aren't you?

-What is it? About two weeks now?
-Mm-hm.

Well. Dan just can't stand
to be away from me...

...and I can't resist my little monkey.

An affectionate term
referring to my playful attitude.

Actually. it's that little eek-eek sound
you make when we--

Well. yeah. right.

Oh. would you look?
Harry's food is getting all cold.

By golly. you're right. See you later.

Cute couple. huh?

Don't tell me you approve
of what he's doing.

What. eating lunch?

There's more. Harry.

Think check.

I mean. the way he is manipulating
her affections.

You know he would not be
seen with her if she wasn't so rich.

Oh. I'm not so sure
Dan is just after her money.

Maybe he's attracted
to the way she dresses.

Or the way she smiles all the time.

Or the way tartar sauce
dribbles down her chin.

Kind of puts money back on top.
doesn't it. sir?

All right. that's it for the warrants.
Let's get started.

Oh. Dan. you are such a scream.

Listen. I think you're exceeding
the state noise pollution levels.

Have I told you
how much I love your eyes?

And your nose.

The way it just sort of leads
all the way down to your mouth.

I love your mouth. Have I told you
how much I love your mouth?

Yes.

Would you sit down? I gotta go to work.

-Okay.
-Come on.

Dan. aren't you forgetting something?

Yes. Phil. Patty. Patty. Phil.

I apologize for being late.
It won't happen again. I was--

Having your face immortalized?

Let's be thankful she stopped there.

Let's. Mac?

First case. Your Honor.
People v. Candy Kane.

Solicitation for prostitution.

Defense pleads guilty.
request usual fine and time served.

Does the state have any objection?

Why should I?
I know what I'm getting into.

That question again?

Read my lips. Dan.

Does the state object to fine
and time served?

Well. no. You think I should? I mean...

...it is when you think of it
my decision--

Why don't I just check these notes?
Because I'm not sure.

I'll take that as a no.
Fifty-dollar fine and time served.

Dan? Dan.

-What's wrong?
-Nothing.

What's on my mind is a very personal
and private matter...

...and with all due respect.
none of the court's business.

He and Patty are getting married.

I've never been good with secrets.

-You ordered champagne?
-Yeah.

-He's getting married.
-Congratulations.

-Go away or I'll k*ll you.
-Got it.

Look. screw top for easy removal.

Dan. are you okay?

-I can barely eat anymore.
-That's because you're nervous.

That's because she takes
all the food off my plate.

-Hey. there's the lucky groom.
-Yeah. hey.

Let the good times roll.

Hi. Dan. We just wanted to come by
and congratulate you.

And here's a little something
for the occasion.

Oh. Mac. You didn't have to.

I mean that.

HARRY: Hey. how about a toast. huh?
BULL: Good idea. sir.

MAC:
Gotta have one. absolutely.

HARRY:
Uh....

Uh....

To Dan.

I'm overwhelmed.

IGAGGING AND GROANINGI

Oh. yeah. why spend extra
for the carbonated stuff. huh?

Yoo-hoo!

I got you a present too. Dan.

Something wild and exciting.
An exotic dancer.

She's from the Anything Goes agency.
no telling what to expect.

Hi.

I'm Phyllis.

And I'm here to....

"Drive you into a frenzy
of uncontrollable desire."

Who's Dan?

This is from Bull.

ICHUCKLINGI

-So. Phyllis. is this your regular job?
-Part-time.

I make a few extra bucks when
the kids are in school or at Scout meetings.

[FOLK MUSIC PLAYS OVER STEREO]

Couldn't find any socks. huh?

And no touching.

Finish your celery. it's good for you.

Well. I got some needlepoint
to catch up on. so....

We're in this together.

Shh. Now it gets really hot.

-Dan Fielding?
DAN: Yeah?

I'm Patty's father.

Mr. Douglas. it's a pleasure
to meet you. sir. A pleasure.

This is Harry and Mac and Bull.

And my sister Phyllis.

Hey. Phyllis. that's great. that's great.

Okay. come on. come on.

I think the guys at the VA
are gonna love that. all right?

Now. listen. if you see Mom and Dad.
you tell them that I said hi. okay?

And I love them.

They tell me to expect this sort of thing
when men reach their sexual boiling point.

-Who's your friend. Mr. Douglas?
-Biff. he carries my money when I work.

And to think
I've been using a wallet all this time.

All right. let's not waste time.
I've had you investigated.

I investigate every man
that wants my daughter. Patty.

Of course. it's not something
I have to do very often.

But of all the men I've investigated.
you are the bottom of the barrel.

You are nothing but a low-level.
penniless government employee.

And of course. there's that little matter
of the den mother in Buffalo.

I was just showing her some knots.
I swear.

Mr. Douglas. your daughter
is over years of age.

And if she wants to marry Dan Fielding...

...it's probably legal.

We're talking about my daughter.
my one and only child.

The one who I love most in the world.

-I'm going to marry her.
-She's a lump.

Nevertheless. she's going to be my lump.

I'll give you $ , to leave her alone.

-How much?
-Thirty thousand.

-I'm sorry. I--
-Forty thousand.

-I beg your pardon--
-Fifty thousand. that's my final offer.

Sir. I believe
you should leave the premises.

That is my final offer.

-Close the briefcase. Biff.
-Just one more little peek.

A man who can't be bought.

Your kind makes me sick. Let's go. Biff.

Oh. And if I find out you slept with her.
it is Soprano City.

[IN HIGH VOICE]
He means it too.

I don't get it. Half a glass of champagne.
and we're all sick.

That is the last time I drink anything...

...with "made in Dubuque" on the label.

Billie. please.
Have a little respect for the dead.

I can't believe you went out
and celebrated this travesty.

I don't know if "celebrated" actually
catches the true spirit of the evening.

We drank some bad champagne.

Patty's dad came by
and offered Dan $ . ...

...not to go through with the marriage.

And the best we could do for entertainment
was the Beaver's mother in a halter top.

Good little dancer. though.

Dan was offered $ ,
to call the wedding off?

Yeah. and he turned it down.

He did?

Well. wait a minute.
of course he turned it down.

He's waiting for the big score.
The whole million.

DAN:
That's not true.

I'm sorry. Dan. but it is true.

You're marrying this girl for one reason.
You want the money.

Is that what you think?

Is that what you all think?

-No way.
-No. of course not.

-Well. yeah.
-Sort of.

Okay. okay. I admit it.
that in the beginning it was the million.

But over the past two weeks.
something has happened.

Interest has accumulated.

Won't anyone around here
give me a break?

Bail reports.

One for Harry. one for Billie.

And one for the sleaze puppy.

Yeah. okay. okay. I get the picture.

And I even understand
why you feel this way.

I'm not saying there aren't differences.

Socially. she's a little underprivileged.

But when we're alone.
I feel good. very good.

Relaxed. wanted and accepted.

You know that crazy stuff
that we all carry around inside of us?

That stuff that eats holes in your brain
and churns at your insides?

That stuff that you know you cannot
possibly tell another living human being?

I can tell her.

And she listens. and she understands.

And she says it's all right.

It's all right.

And it is.

Poof. Just like your magic. Harry.
she makes my problems disappear...

...my anxieties subside. God's in his heaven.
all is right with the world.

There's no way to go but up.
look for the silver lining.

I'll be damned if that's not what
every one of us is looking for.

And I just happened to find mine.
so the best of luck to the rest of you.

Ladies and gentlemen.
a small peek into the guts of Dan Fielding.

No cover. no minimum.

I'm sorry. Dan. I feel like....

Slug slime?

Well. if you'll excuse me...

...I'm going to have lunch
with my fiancée.

Wanna go first
or should we all jump together?

-Hi.
-Sorry I'm late.

That's all right. I have just been sitting here
giving thought to our honeymoon.

Dan. we have to talk.

Okay. you wanna pick the place
we go on the honeymoon.

Since you're paying for it.
I guess it's fair.

Dan. Daddy threatened to cut off my money
if I go ahead with this marriage.

Cut it off? So you didn't tell him
we've been fooling around?

Dan....

He is absolutely serious.

He would do that to keep us apart?

He doesn't understand
that what we have together...

...is too strong to be ruined
by something as base as money.

No. it isn't.

I beg your pardon?

Dan. I can't marry you.

What? You're talking crazy.

Are you hungry?
Come on. have some zucchini.

Dan. can you imagine me
without money?

Come on. I don't know
how to do anything.

Like what?

Live.

I don't know how to organize
kitchen help.

I don't know which fork to use
for the salad.

I don't even know the difference
between whip and purée.

One is a cooking term.

Don't you understand?
I just can't make it.

You can try.

I did try once. and I almost d*ed.

-d*ed?
-Yeah.

I got mad at Daddy
and ran away from home.

-Did you have to live on the streets?
-No.

Jenkins drove me to our condo
in the Hamptons.

My God.

And when I got there.
I didn't have any money.

And all that was in the house
was canned food.

And I didn't know how to work
the electric can opener.

I mean. I know it sounds ridiculous.
but I could've starved.

-You have me to open your cans now.
-Dan. you don't understand. I love you...

...but I'm just too scared
to live without money.

I can't do it. I never learned how.

You are really terrified. aren't you?

I'm seeing a shrink.

Listen. maybe someday
' --

Learn how to use a can opener?

Yeah.

Goodbye. Dan.

Patty....

I'll get the tip.

I'll miss you.

-Hey. Dan. how's it going?
-Oh. fine. fine. couldn't be better.

Oh. did I mention the wedding's off?

Her dad threatened to cut off her money
if she went through with the marriage.

I told her we didn't need the money.

And she called it off?

Yeah. I finally found someone
weaker than me.

Dan. I'm sorry.

I know this isn't much consolation...

...but you did have wonderful days
with that girl.

Which is roughly more
than you've ever had with anyone else.

Harry. as far as pep talks go.
that blows chunks.

Hi. Dan. I haven't seen you for weeks.
You were supposed to call.

-Sorry.
-You can make it up by taking me to lunch.

No. no. no. I can't. I can't.

I've just been through
a devastating emotional experience...

...and I'm going to need a sufficient
amount of time to get back on my feet.

So how about a late dinner?

It's not like a close family member
d*ed or anything.

Sure. for that.
she'd have to wait until breakfast.

Yeah. come on. Selma. Seeing somebody in
mourning really brings me down too.

DAN: Harry....
HARRY: It's all right.