03x01 - Hello, Goodbye

[bunniefuu]

It's true. Miss...

...Cor|and.

First bailiff résumé I've ever seen
with an -by- glossy attached.

-Well. I used to be an actress.
-Uh-huh.

But now I'm. like. really into justice.

And we're glad you are.

lKNOCK|NGl

-Yeah?
-Harry. I was--

[DAN CHUCKLES]

Break a leg.

Come on in. Dan. Miss Corland.
this is our assistant district attorney.

Hi. Dan Fielding.
a sucker for a woman in uniform.

Hi.

-There's a dozen more applicants out there.
-Right.

Miss Corland. this is Bull Shannon.
He's our senior bailiff.

Mr. Shannon.
it's such a pleasure to meet you.

I've admired your work for years.

Thank you.

Yes. he's provided some
of the greatest moments in bailiff history.

Judge Stone. will there be anything else?

No.

I'll make my decision next week.

I'm pulling for you.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Some brass. huh?

Pride in the uniform. pride in the job.

-I'll make a note of that.
-I'll look forward to your decision.

I'll bet you are. Bull. It must be tough
working with one temporary after another.

Hi. everybody.

Hi. Dirk.

Case in point?

Harry. please consider hiring someone
in the vertebrate family.

What is it. Dirk?

-Prisoners' manifest.
-Thanks.

Oh. I took Grayson down
to Women's Detention for you.

-Women's Detention?
-Yeah.

Dirk. Grayson's a man.

No.

-But there was a dress.
-It was a man wearing a dress.

Dirk. didn't you notice
the three days' growth...

...and the full mustache?

Well. I thought
she was a little severe-looking.

-Where is he now?
-Right below us. Room .

Seventeen-oh-six?
Isn't that where they do the--?

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Strip search.

I'm going to get a ribbing for this one.
aren't I. sir?

Evening. Your Honor.

-Hi. Dirk.
-Well. today's Friday.

Yeah. it is.

-The big day.
-Uh-huh.

You're announcing who's gonna fill
the permanent bailiff position.

Yeah. I am.

I've been praying.

-So I see.
-Real aluminum.

Very nice.

Of course.
Mom's been lighting candles for me...

...but I figure now it's in his hands.

Dirk. your faith is obviously very strong.
but I'm sure you've learned...

...that you don't get everything you want
out of life just because you ask God for it.

Gramps is flying in for the party.

-Has court started yet?
-No.

-Oh. thank God.
-And you are...?

-Christine Sullivan. legal aid.
-Phil Sanders. scum.

-I'm looking forward to working with you.
-Yeah. me too.

You notice that eye thing
we had going there?

-It's Dan. isn't it?
-Yes.

-Well. hello there.
-You don't remember me. do you?

Of course I do. Mardi Gras. New Orleans.
' . French Quarter. snake dance.

Christine Sullivan. legal aid.
I was here a year ago.

That was my second choice. Well. I swear
I'll never forget you again as long as I live.

You probably won't.
I've been assigned here permanently.

You're the best.

HARRY:
Psst. Mac.

Your Honor?

HARRY:
Yeah. I'm in here.

No. in the hallway.

MAC:
Oh. I'm sorry. sir.

You know. it sounded so muffled.
and what with you always playing jokes....

Why doesn't Bull announce me?
I've been here for five minutes.

-He didn't show up.
-What?

Bull didn't show up for work.
Dirk's gonna do it.

-Dirk?
-Uh-huh.

All rise.

Please?

Criminal court part two is now in session.
the Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

You may be seated.

Look what the cat done drug in.

-Hello. Judge Stone.
-Christine. Christine Sullivan.

I'm honored you remember me.

-Don't tell me you've been assigned here?
-Yes.

Well. feather my feet
and start me grinning.

As usual. sir. you speak for all of us.

-Remember Mac?
-Yes. of course.

-How are you?
-Hi. Fine.

Hey. that is a neat outfit.

-Is that felt?
-No.

Well. it is now.

[HARRY LAUGHS]

You were here about a year ago.
weren't you? We had some problems.

-Yes. we did. but we solved them.
-Yes. we did.

You know. as I recall. I thought you were
ignoring me and not letting me finish my--

-Mac. what's first?
-People v. Hoover, solicitation.

--sentences.

I'm worried about Bull.
He should've been here an hour ago.

-Then why don't you give him a call?
-Right.

Oh. hi. Judge Stone.

-Hi. Roberta. How're you doing?
-Just swell.

-Say. I love what you've done to your hair.
-Thanks.

It's about time somebody noticed it.

-Your Honor--
-Oh. that's all right.

You haven't seen me in a while.
I wouldn't expect you to mention it.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

Ain't it?

Excuse me.
if I could proceed with my defense?

Defense? She approached
an undercover officer and said:

"Give me bucks.
and I'll make your teeth sweat."

-Sir. I realize--
-Roberta. are you guilty of soliciting?

-Don't--
-Yes.

--answer that.

All right, that's a $ fine
and time served.

IGAVEL BANGSI

-Next case. Good seeing you. Roberta.
-You too. Your Honor.

Um.... Your Honor. it happened again.

-What happened again?
-You didn't even let me finish my...

-Mac. is there any word?
-No. sir.

-...defense.
-Kind of a rhythm thing.

You'll be jumping into conversations
within the year.

I even called Bull's landlord. sir.
He said Bull didn't come home last night.

-Now I'm worried.
-Maybe he got lucky.

Yeah. the circus is in town.

[DAN LAUGHS]

-Dan.
-There he is.

Bull?

He's splashed.

Meet the g*ng.

MAC: Come on.
DAN: Let's get him in here.

Are they a great bunch of people
or what?

-Yeah. Real troupers.
-Yeah.

I think the bearded lady likes you.

Lips that touch mustache wax
shall never touch mine.

Put him on the sofa. guys.

-Anything I can do to help. Your Honor?
-No. we can handle it from here.

-He's lucky to have a friend like you.
-Yeah. thanks very much. Dirk.

-May the Lord bless thee and keep thee.
-I appreciate it, Dirk.

Are you all right?

-Can I get you anything?
-Not a thing. thanks.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Christine Sullivan. We met last year.
I'm the new defense attorney.

You smell nummy.

-Bull. I'm ashamed of you.
-It was just an innocent sniff. Harry.

-I'm talking about the drinking.
-The pifia coladas were nummy too.

I must have a couple of dozen
of these little paper umbrellas.

Bull. I wanna know why you got drunk.

Because I was toasting my friend Selma.
that's why.

And she deserved every one
I could think of.

Selma.

Well. hey. why all the long faces?
We're supposed to be having fun today.

Today's the day we replace Selma.

Out with the old, in with the new
Get sick and die, we'll replace you too

[BULL LAUGHS]

Whoa.

Come on. let's have a seat over here.
big fella.

Good God. am I tall.

-Who's Selma?
-Bailiff that used to work here.

She d*ed six months ago.
They were close.

So after we rode the elephants...

...we all climbed
into this teeny little fire engine.

-Bull?
-Yo.

I just heard about Selma. I'm really sorry.

You're sorry?

-How do you think I feel?
-HeY. listen. I didn't mean--

It was my best friend that d*ed.
not yours.

HARRY: Bull.
-Yo.

We all cared about Selma very much.

But there comes a time where you gotta
stop grieving. and you go on living.

What did you do to your hair?

-Listen. Bu||--
-Why did Selma have to die. Harry?

I mean. why couldn't it be
some sicko scum out there instead of her?

I want some answers.
and I want them now!

Oh. yeah. So we were in this bar.
see. and E|mo--

-Elmo's the little guy in the ringmaster suit.
-He's in la-la land. sir.

Sir. maybe it would help if we got
some coffee and sandwiches into him.

You know. maybe it would help if we got
some coffee and sandwiches into him.

Christine?

-Good idea. sir.
-Let's go to the cafeteria.

-Right.
-Mac. you try to juggle the docket.

-This could take a little while.
MAC: All right.

Dan. keep Bull here
and keep an eye on him.

I don't want him roaming around
in this condition.

[LAUGHING]

So we took the ring of fire and--

-I'll humor him till it hurts.
-I'll be right back.

[DAN LAUGHS]

Yeah. yeah.

Anyway. I'm leaving.

Oh. wait. no.
Bull. Harry said to stay here.

Get out of my way. Dan.

Now. I have specific instructions
not to let you leave.

Move. or I will invent the human pretzel.

I have my instructions.

[DAN SCREAMSI

[MAN WHININGI

-Did you hear something?
-No.

Sounded like a cat caught in a winepress.

Don't just stand there. Untie me.

-What happened?
-Bull decided to go for a walk.

I tried to stop him.
and. boom. twisted mister.

Sir. I wa--

Oh. my Lord.

Dan. are you in pain?

-No. not really.
MAC: Well, great.

Then hold it right there
while I go get my camera.

-Mac.
-Looks like one of those damn Picassos.

All right. I'll pay for help.

-What happened?
-Bull's on the loose.

-Maybe we should search the building.
-No reason for that. sir.

When he gets upset. he either
goes to the basement. sits by the furnace...

...or he goes up to the...

[WOMAN SCREAMSI

...roof.

Not again.

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-It's all right.

Nothing a few pins
and a few steel rods can't fix.

Well. there he is. just like always.

Yeah. So I wonder where he got the cape.

Oh. no.

-Mac. hold on to me. huh?
-I'm right here. sir.

In fact. look. tie that. would you?
Just in case.

-Uh-huh.
-Bull?

Bull. talk to me.

BULL:
The night has a thousand eyes.

I'll send for some burgers.

CHRISTINE:
Sir?

-Let me have a sh*t at him.
-If she misses. it's my turn.

If you don't mind.
I'd rather deal with this myself--

-I minored in psychology in school--
-Miss Sullivan.

-Depression was my best subject. I got B's.
-Please.

Go away.

It's because I'm a woman. isn't it?

Rock always told Doris Day yes
when she asked him this question.

No. Miss Sullivan.
it's not that you're a woman.

It's that. at this moment, you're a pest.

Fine. Then you'll just excuse me
while I go drink a cup of insecticide.

-Fine. Fine.
-Fine.

This is when Doris would always
storm out of the room and....

Bingo.

Bull. come on down. Let's talk. huh?
We always end up doing that anyway.

Why not sooner than later. huh?

-Bull?
BULL: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Oh. no. big guy. Come on. no.

At least go around to the alley side.
huh? Come-- Oh!

On second thought.
I'd like to cancel that order.

Bull. please come down.

I'm afraid. in your condition.
you're gonna hurt yourself.

CHRISTINE:
Don't worry about him. I'm with him.

Christine?

It'll be a shame to let her die
without experiencing me.

BULL: Get away from me.
CHRISTINE: Bull. come here.

BULL:
Get away from me.

CHRISTINE:
Bull. come here.

BULL: Get away from me.
CHRISTINE: Bull. come--

[CHRISTINE SCREAMSI

-What happened?
-I don't know. I can't see a thing.

They moved away from the edge.

Now. why would they do
a silly thing like that?

[PHONE RINGINGI

Mac. would you get that?

Hello?

What?

Yeah. yeah. I will.
That was the building manager.

Something fell off the roof
right over your office.

Oh. God.

Move. She's not as light as she looks.

-They said something fell.
BULL: My cape.

She thought it was me and passed out.

-Oh. that poor man.
-No. no. Bull's okay. He's right here.

His cape fell. You fainted.

-Just like a woman. right?
HARRY: No.

Just like a scared human being.

Mac. why don't you take her to the nurse's
office. and get her checked over. huh?

Yeah. Come on.
Then we'll get a cup of coffee.

BULL:
Wait a minute.

Thank you for trying to help.

Whoever you are.

Dan.

I'm sorry I rearranged you.

It's all right. big guy.

Besides. what the hell can I do about it?

So you're starting to edge your way
back into our lucid world. huh?

I'm sorry. Harry.

-Did getting drunk solve your problem?
-No.

I still got the problem.
plus I got sick and ruined a cab.

Listen. Bull. for what it's worth.
I think I know how you feel.

I've been through stuff like this
in my life.

It just seems so unfair. Harry.

I mean. I thought I understood things.

And then Selma d*ed. and now....

Now I don't know
what the hell's going on.

What's life all about. Harry?

I don't know. Bull.

I don't know why we live.
and I don't know why we die.

But I do know...

...that as long as we're here...

...we better hold on to each other
real tight.

In case you're interested.
the music has stopped.

-What can I do for you?
-I'm here for the job.

What job is that?

What is this. a wet suit?

Well. we interviewed for bailiffs
last week.

I'm late.

Now. do I get the job or what?

Well. there are certain procedural things
that we do. such as checking references.

I don't have any.

Well. that streamlines things.
How about experience?

I'm a bailiff.

-For how long?
-A hundred and six years.

What's with the hair?

I know he looks funny.
but don't say anything about it.

You are a weird man.

Can I keep her, Harry?

-Why do I suddenly feel like a hamster?
-It's a long story.

-I don't wanna hear it.
-You're hired.

-Bull. you wanna show her around?
-Come on.

I'll go show you where we stand
for eight hours a night.

I quit.

You can lean on me if you want.

Well. how about
if I just hang a swing on your arm?

A|rightY-

I'll be needing a raise.

Dirk. I got an idea.

I'll go with you to the banquet.
and I'll explain it to your folks.

No.

They'd k*ll you.

-Good night.
-Good night. Your Honor.

It's after work. You can call me Harry.

Someday.

Christine.

Wanna go grab a bite?

I can't. I'm busy.

I'm going to Dirk's party.
Bull said there'll be a ton of food there.

Must've cost him a fortune.

Are you all right?

-Hangover.
-Serves you right.

Anybody that abuses alcohol should be
punished with violent headaches...

...the kind that makes your eyes fall out.

Thank you.

For what?

Selma used to care enough
to yell at me too.

Say. tell me something.

What was this Selma like?

Well. she was kind of abrasive.

She was short.

And she had a funny voice.

How pathetic.

BULL:
Quite a story, huh?

SELMA:
I laughed, I cried. It became a part of me.