03x06 - Best of Friends

[bunniefuu]

_Hey, guys.
_Hey, Harry.

-What are you reading there?
-Bartlett's Book of Quotations.

This is great stuff.
There is a quote for every occasion.

-May I. sir?
HARRY: Sure.

[CLEARS THROAT]

He crams with cans of poisoned meat
The subject of the king

And when they die by thousands
Why, he laughs like anything

[SCOFFS]

Silver anniversary?

[LAUGHS]

DAN:
Ha. ha. Oh. yeah.

[DAN LAUGHS]

Whoa.

-Guess who is coming here tonight.
-Oh. give us a hint.

-Somebody I mentioned a thousand times.
-Fatty Arbuckle.

-Who is it that's coming. Dan?
-Chip.

Chip Collins?

Hey. pork belly futures are up.

Come on.
you've heard me talk about him.

Tulane ' . Old beer-blasting...

...panty-raiding. full-mooning.
Chipperoo. Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah. he's the one
who went into priesthood. right?

No. that was Bubba Patterson.

Father Bubba?

He didn't make it.
He's with Green Bay now.

So who's Chip?

Chip. my best friend.
my closest buddy. my spiritual twin.

[LAUGHS]

Once in high school.
right before the big game...

...we stole our rival team's mascot.

This little German shepherd puppy.

[LAUGHS]

-You stole a little puppy?
-That was the best part.

After we shaved it.
you couldn't tell what it was.

[LAUGHS]

Dan. that was cruel.

Oh. come on. we glued the hair back on.

So. what brings old Snips-and-Snails-
and-Puppy-Dogs‘-Tails to town. huh?

-He's getting married.
-Dan. your friend's here.

All right. Chip is here!
Ha-ha-ha. where is he?

Ooh. you must be
Thunderba||'s fiancée. Well. heh....

Ahem. let me be
the first to congratulate--

Dan. it's me.

You who?

Thunderball.

Chip!

Oh. I'm sorry. I was just. uh....

-Ha. curious?
-No. heh.

Yes.

Hey. Bull. what about Dan?

It's okay.

I got his tongue back up.

[LAUGHING]

Ah. Chip. Chip. Chip. Ha. ha.

You old son of a g*n. you. ha. ha.

You had me going.
What a gag. what a p*stol. Ha. ha.

Put your real clothes back on. before
somebody mistakes you for a woman.

Dan. these are my real clothes.
I am a woman.

[LAUGHS]

-Chip. come on. these are my friends here--
-Dan. it's true.

Old Chipperoo is Charlene now.

Completely.

You don't mean...?

Bye-bye. birdie.

Good Lord!

Hey. Dan. Dan. take it easy.

Take it easy?

This is not his lucky rabbit's foot he lost.
Harry. We're talking an appendage.

I knew it was gonna be a shock to him.

I just couldn't think of a way
to break it to him gently.

She's very pretty. Dan.

But I thought your friend was a man.

He was.

I had an operation. Bull.

Uh. I had a sex change.

Oh. yeah?

Does this have anything to do
with the birds and the bees?

In a high-tech sort of way.

You know.
I have heard about these things...

...but I've never actually met anyone
who had one.

Ha. ha. Don't be so sure.

It's more common than you think.

Trust me. It may not be mint.
but this is all my original equipment.

So how about those Knicks. huh?

Heh. They need a power forward.

I ought to know. I used to be one.

And I thought the legs
were the first thing to go.

-Dan. let me try and explain--
-Go away!

Dan. this is your friend.

This is a gelding.

My friend is in a bottle
of formaldehyde somewhere.

Well. it's obvious you old buddies
have a lot to talk about. so....

So where's Chip?

Ha. ha. Come on. big guy.

Maybe I can explain it to you
with your Cabbage Patch doll.

You know. Dan.
an old saying just occurred to me.

Don't judge a man
until you've walked a mile in his shoes.

We used to wear
each other's shorts. Harry.

It needed updating.

It's true.
You can't judge a book by its cover.

Excuse me. I'm gonna go hang myself.

ISIGHSI

You're looking well. Dan.

Oh. you don't think
this is too much mascara. then?

In case you're interested.
I'm very happy now.

Why shouldn't you be? You're young.
you're healthy. your accessories match.

Look. I know you're having trouble
believing this. but I had to do what I did.

[BOTH SIGHI

After I realized the truth about myself.
how I always felt unnatural.

How I always had to prove myself
by hustling every girl I met.

I hated it.

-You hated it?
-Every minute.

But you were so good at it.

I was just one of the guys
on the outside.

Inside I was desperately yearning to be
one of the girls.

I let you watch me shower.

Dan. let me explain....

There's no need to.
the facts reek for themselves.

We-- We used to be best friends.

Ugh. that's why I wanted you to share
the happiness of my wedding.

As what? Matron of honor?

How about flower girl?
I am certainly the best man.

Are you positive?

Hey! I've had every woman
in this building!

I have had stewardesses
from foreign countries.

I have had den mothers.

Now. let's get this straight.

He was a man.
then found out she was a woman.

-Right.
-Who told her?

-Himself.
-Got it.

No. I don't.

If only we had some movie
we could show him.

I wouldn't mind seeing Old Yeller again.

Why it doesn't say Brunswick
across the top of his head. I'll never know.

Sir. perhaps we should send somebody
after Dan.

-Let's give him a couple of minutes.
-He seemed upset.

-Well. you blame him?
-Heh. well. no.

I suppose it would be somewhat of a shock
to find out that your old friend....

Grew breasts?

I would've said it. Eventually.

Dan's gonna come out of this.

I don't know about you.
but I think that Dan is capable...

...of being understanding.
compassionate and sensitive.

Hey! Fie|ding's punching out
some woman in the cafeteria.

Of course I also thought Mondale
was gonna carry a second state.

Follow me.

Move aside. coming through. Clear
a path. coming through. coming through.

[HARRY GASPSI

All right. everybody move back.

What happened?

He got bitchy.

So I decked him.

ICHATTERING INDISTINCTLYI

That's the guy
who got his lights punched out by a dame.

Dan. I swear. it's barely noticeable.

As long as you don't mind
wearing a sack on your head.

-Hey. Dan.
-How's your eye?

I stopped the flow of blood.

I expect to do the same
with the pus that will form tomorrow.

OkaY-

Just so you know.
she blinded me with some croutons.

I couldn't see a thing.

We understand. Dan.

Didn't stop me from getting
a couple of blows in.

Oh. we saw.
The rouge on her left cheek was a mess.

Well. how about that first case. Mac?

Uh. yes. sir. People v. Maclntire.

HARRY: The charge?
-Indecent exposure. fifth offense.

I can't stop myself.

Normally. I'm a respectable man.

But when the tension gets me.
I do crazy things!

I gotta be seen. it's a sickness!

Sickness?

You dare call yourself sick?

You don't know the meaning
of the word sick.

I have seen sick. I have been to the top
of the mountain of sick.

The very pinnacle of perversion!

On a scale of one to . you're a zero!

I can do better! I swear!

Get ahold of your emotions.
Mr. Prosecutor.

-Yeah. Like Chip shou|d've got ahold to his--
-Recess!

Dan.

Right. meet you in the woodshed.

HARRY:
Bull.

I sometimes think
they should all be fixed.

DAN:
I don't understand it. Harry.

Some things in this world
should not be meddled with.

Nature. Humanity.

-Coca-Cola.
-Exactly.

Dan.

Did I tell you about coming home one night
and finding a man sleeping on my porch?

Several times.

Okay. uh. did I ever tell you...

...what my grandmother's last words were
to me on her deathbed?

"Anybody but Jesse|."

Okay. then a duck
walks into a pharmacy. and says:

"Give me some ChapStick
and put it on my bill."

Stop it. please.

I'm sorry.

I feel so betrayed.

Well. to tell you the absolute truth. Dan.
I don't blame you.

-You don't?
-No.

I mean. so she has her life to lead. fine...

...but she doesn't have to come here
and rub your face in it.

-Thank you.
-Well. I mean it.

I was thinking about it
while you were lying in the lettuce.

It's not fair.

I mean. she has no right
to lay this kind of trip on you.

CHARLENE:
He's right.

HARRY: Oh. uh. Charlene. We--
We were just. uh--

-Ripping me to shreds?
-She's got a great pair of ears.

And I just love her ears.

Somebody get me a bucket.

This is my fiancé. Larry.

Hi. Larry. nice to meet you.
Congratulations.

You got yourself quite a little.
uh....

Uh....

-A woman?
-Yeah. that's the word.

Thanks. I know.
After Charlene. they broke the mold.

Too bad.
they could have cast him another--

That's Dan Fielding.

You're Char|ene's oldest friend.

Where did you two meet?
At a human oddities mixer?

Dan. I came back to apologize.

Larry. glad you showed up.
I need a second opinion.

I got this fascinating wood grain
on my bench.

Looks just like Mount Rushmore.

But instead of Lincoln.
it looks like Telly Savalas. Here.

[DOOR CLOSESI

Dan. I-- I am sorry.

Too late. You should have gotten
the money-back guarantee.

Not for what I did to myself.
but for what I did to you.

lS|GHS]

They told me not to expect anybody
to accept it.

They were right.

Excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom.
You remember standing up?

-Dan. I always loved you.
-You take that back.

Not as a woman loves a man.
but as a friend loves a friend.

Chip was my friend. not you.

To me. he was a god. a king.

Well. the king is dead.
long live the queen.

Okay. I won't bother you anymore.

ICHARLENE SIGHSI

It was nice seeing you again.
Maybe we'll run into each other sometime.

Yeah. who knows. maybe next time you'll
be something from the animal kingdom.

I never meant to hurt you. Dan.

You lied to me. damn it!

You took all of those years of sharing.
of camaraderie...

...of listening to my most private thoughts
and then said. "Just kidding!"

Don't you understand yet. you idiot?

I never lied to you back then.

I never knew myself.

[MAN HUMMINGI

Boy. that is some dish.

She used to be a man.

What's your point?

Yeah. What is your point?

Okay. Bull...

...what do Renee Richards.
Christine Jorgensen...

...and Myra Breckinridge
all have in common?

They're all people I've never heard of.

Next.

OkaY-

[BOTH CLEAR THROAT]

Once upon a time there was a mommy bird
and a daddy bird.

And one day the daddy bird decided
that he wanted to be a mommy bird.

So he flew all the way to Sweden...

...to a special clinic
where they changed things.

What things?

Next.

The story about you
and the Rumplemeyer sisters that night...

...that was all made up?

I never even showed up for the date.

But the part on the Ferris wheel?

Heh. I didn't want to let you down.

Every time I went out to prove myself...

...I came back with more doubts
than ever before.

We all have doubts.
we don't run out to surgery...

...every time we don't spring
into action right away.

Ha. ha. That's funny.

Yeah. it put you in stitches. didn't it?

ICHARLENE LAUGHS]

Dan. Ha. ha.
Dan. I did lie to you back then.

Once.

Remember the night
after our senior finals?

ICHUCKLESI

We got drunk and threw up
all over that statue of Betsy Ross.

And I wound up crying in your arms
that night. didn't I?

I think I told you that Debbie Kramer
dumped me for that jock at Delta Pi...

...and broke my heart.

It was. um. really this. um.
plumbing business thing?

That's when I started
to put things together.

Started to understand
what was happening to me.

I almost told you that night.

Why didn't you?

Right. I would've gouged out my eyes.

Maybe. maybe not.

But if there was anybody
I could've told in the world that night...

...it would have been you.

Anyway. it was just as comforting.

I was your friend. I was in pain.
somehow you had to ease it.

And you did. Heh.

You convinced your buddy
that everything was gonna be all right.

You came here tonight to...?

To say thank you.

Thank you.

[SIGHSI

Take care of yourself. Dan.

DAN: Wait a minute.
just hold on a minute here.

About this Larry geek....

A little old for you. isn't he?

Charlene was a man.

ALL:
Uh-huh.

Then had an operation.

ALL:
Uh-huh.

And now he's a heterosexual!

[ALL GROANI

[DAN & CHARLENE LAUGHING]

But that linebacker. that big guy.
he used to be in our dorm...

...he turned out to be gay. Ha-ha-ha.

Right.

Uh. sorry for the delay. sir.

All right.
you guys had a lot to talk about.

Memories to savor. Years to catch up on.

Cut the courtesy.
what the hell happened?

Tsk. well...

...it's settled.

What was. was.

What is...

...is.

Oh. that clears it all up.

I just want to ask one question.

What kind of bike do you ride?

Bull.

-Go call Dr. Ruth.
-Right.

Well. we'll see you
at the wedding. of course.

Uh. of course.

Although I have no idea
what to get you as a gift.

[LARRY CHUCKLES]

I'm registered at Bloomingdale's.

I never thought I'd hear you say that.

Goodbye. Dan.

Goodbye. Ch-- Uh....

--arlene.

Be gentle.

-Well?
-Well what?

Doesn't this outfit just cry out for pearls?

Not tonight. I have a headache.

Guilty. innocent. Guilty. innocent.

Guilty. guilty. guilty.

IKNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yo.

-May I come in. sir?
-Anytime. my giant friend.

Bull. you look confused.

Still?

This is anatomically correct.

For some of us. maybe.

Now. what happened to Chip?

Oh. my God.

It kind of reminds you how you felt...

...when you found out
about the Easter Bunny. huh?

What about the Easter Bunny?