05x04 - The Clip Show

[bunniefuu]

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Tell me all your secrets ♪

♪ And I'll tell
you most of mine ♪

♪ They say nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well, that's really
true this time ♪

♪ I don't have the answers,
I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you ♪

♪ So, darling, help
me understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ You can whisper in my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what
happens after here? ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into
the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

Ok. The baby loves james taylor,

Loves bonnie raitt,

Not so sure about sinatra.

Which sinatra did you play?

This one.

live at the sands?

Yeah.

You played this for the baby?

Yeah. So?

You don't play sinatra
at the sands for a fetus.

Everybody knows that. Why?

Because it's live at the sands.

It's loud. It's brassy.

Plus las vegas.

You know, it's
smoky. It's gambling.

Baby doesn't need that.

Tell you what was a big hit:

The soundtrack
to guys and dolls.

Really? Yup.

Oh, good. See.

Her daddy loves show tunes.

I thought she ought to know.

Well, thank you.

Did you play him your
hungarian chants?

Bulgarian.

Whatever. Yes.

And? Loved it.

Really? Yes.

How do you know?

Because I'm the mommy.

I can tell.

Bulgarian chants and sinatra.

I want the baby to
know who we are.

How much do you think
a baby could know?

A lot. Everything.
What is this baby?

It's a combination of you
and me, everything we are,

Everything we've been
through right in there.

Is that true?

I believe it is. Yeah?

Hey, you think that's
true... Little baby?

Is that true? What do you know?

Honey, that tickles.

Honey!

How much do you know, huh?

Huh?

Honey?

Honey? H-h-honey.

Honey. Sweetie.

Honey, could you take this?

I'm sorry. Did you
just call me honey?

No.

Paul: honey, I'm home!

I noticed.

How do you like
being married, huh?

Isn't it great?

Ow.

Oh, you're married?

Yeah. Almost three years.

We thought we were
gonna, but we're not,

But it doesn't mean
we won't. We will.

Just not tonight.

Makes sense. Really?

What's she like?

My wife?

Name is buchman, jamie
buchman, all right?

Sounds perfect. Actually, no.

Are you guys we're
not fighting? Fighting.

Trust me, you are.
It's just how we live.

Nobody's right,
and nobody's wrong.

Listen to me. Nooo.

I'm a little bit more
right, but that's not...

Can't believe you
didn't trust me.

You lied.

But if you won't
trust me, why lie?

Because it's wrong.
How is this wrong?

We're adults. I know. All right.

Do you want to yell at me?

You want to k*ll me? You
want to divorce me? What?

Keep going.

What the hell is the
matter with you? What?

Shh.

Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shh.

I think we've been
going at this half-assed.

What does that mean?

It means I think we should
be going at it whole-assed.

I let out this amazing scream.

I won! I won! I won!

Paul, of course,
thought it was him.

Oh, god.

In five seconds we were done,

And I was able to stretch.

[Snoring]

Well, she's got
good points, too.

There's my beautiful bride.

Bite me.

She gets so excited
about things.

You know, she's genuinely surprised
when we don't win the lottery.

The way she calls me on stuff
when I'm making myself crazy.

Your job is to stop me
from doing something idiotic.

Idiotic, I can do
that by myself.

You're going to a
wedding without pants?

You bet. Let them see
who the best man really is.

Ma'am, magic lamps.

The magic lamps. Ah, comenza.

[Imitating brando] clemenza,
how about some clams?

Would you want
more fun than this?

All right, one more.

Clemenza.

Tv: where you get
the larry plate,

The moe plate, the curly plate,

And as our gift to you,

The shemp salad bowl.

No.

Jaime's sitting
there. She looks...

You know, cute, like always.

What?

The light hit her
face in a funny way,

And I never noticed
that she looked like...

That she reminded me of the guy

In the silence of the lambs.

Sweetie? [Barks]

How did this happen?

I used to be out
there all the time.

I frizzed my hair.

I... I wore hats.

I slept with artists.

Don't vomit in front of me.

Ow. Ow.

What are you doing?

Are you letting
your hair grow out?

No.

'Cause it's like... It's like
harder or something.

I would like to
punch you so hard.

Pardon me. Hmm?

I'll give you one
million dollars

To sleep with your wife.

Great. Great.

Let me ask you
something. What happened?

Ooh, I think I heard something.

What?

What? What?

What? What?

What? What?

Oh, my god.

What?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

W-wow.

Wow.

Oh, god.

Wow. Wow.

What? Wow.

Wow.

"Wow"?

You're gonna say "wow"?

You don't get to say "wow."

You're not entitled
to a "wow" on this one.

Did you just kiss me?

No.

I love you.

This is what I'm trying to say.

What am i, stupid?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I don't... I don't get it.

I don't get it. What?

How? How? No reason.

All right, i... I got
an idea. I got an idea.

Here's an idea. I got an idea.

This was a big mistake.

You're so pathetic.

I was gonna say.

I'm shocked.

I'm stunned.

I'm flummoxed.

You talk your
way. I'll talk right.

I talk right.

Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

I... I... I, see... Phew.

Told you, I hadda,
hadda gese flaken.

I know, but,
i... I... I... I i... I... I...

You know, 'cause it...

He d... He did... Get...

I didn't feel quite right...

Remember, the dumplings...

Since I ate those dumplings.

They were terrible.

They made me do things.

Can either one of us
shut up for two minutes?

What if they'd come...

More.

Baby... I'm the greatest.

Ok, but can you pee standing up?

He's so cute.

A day at barney's
wouldn't k*ll him. I know.

I have a dream.

Oh, my goodness.

I have a dream, and it involves

The two of us in
a beautiful house,

Nothing big. You know, nice
yard, maybe / of an acre.

A house?

A house with us and our things

And little uses, you know,
small uses. Maybe three.

You always wanted
three, right? Maybe.

All right, you know,
maybe not three,

Because the middle kid
is always screwed up.

What is the matter with you?

You are a strange, amazing man.

Ok, so I lied.

Jamie: I wish that cabana boy

Would rub some
lotion on my back.

I'm not doing pedro.

Who is it?

sí, señora, esta pedro.

Should we start trying?

Now?

From now on.

[Voice-over] maybe.

Really? Are you
sure? No, I'm not sure.

But we're gonna
start trying? Yeah.

Oh, my god. What? I'm the mommy.

You know what? This
is too much pressure.

Seriously, I'm the mommy.

I know, listen, believe me...

I know it's not fair.

It's so not fair.

You know, if I
could have the kid...

Don't even start. You'd have
one cramp and k*ll yourself.

Shut up.

Mother: we don't
stare, sweetheart.

Whoa.

Honey?

Hey, hey.

Hey.

[Horn honks]

Hey!

Trust me. It gets so
much worse than this.

[Screaming]

Oh, god!

God, how could you do that?!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

God! Oh, god!

Honey, wake up.

What? What's the matter?

Hit me again.

Oh, my god!

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Yes.

Yes.

What are you doing?

Just... I was chanting.

What were you chanting?

O-o-o-oklahoma.

♪ Where the wind comes
sweeping down the plains ♪

♪ Music and passion ♪

♪ Are always the fashion ♪

♪ At the copa... ♪

♪ They fell in love ♪

♪ But sleep won't come ♪

♪ The whole night through ♪

Sing it, paul, sing out.

The whole night through.

♪ Your cheating heart ♪

Your cheating
heart. Black heart.

♪ Will tell on you ♪

Gonna snitch on you.

♪ O'er the land of the free ♪

♪ Eeee ♪

♪ And the home ♪

♪ Of the ♪

♪ Brave ♪

See, I don't even think
the baby can hear us.

Oh.

What?

I think the baby just moved.

Come on, make the
baby move again.

I can't. Why not?

Why not? I don't
have control over it.

Hey. Hey, baby.
Listen to me. Hey.

Hey. Can you hear us?

Hey. Knock knock.

[Screams]

Sweetie? Sweetie?

Sweetie?

Sweetie, may I see
you in the kitchen?

What? What is it now?

I just have to leave the
window open for the dog.

[Screaming]

[Both scream]

Hey. Burt. Hi.

Is this a bad time?

Won't take a minute.
Is this a bad time?

Is this a bad time?

I don't know. It depends
on what you want.

I hope this isn't a bad time.

We wanted you to be the
first to know in person.

Is this a bad time?

No. No. No.

Hey, guess who's home.

Hey. Oh.

[Bell rings]

Ok, I'm here. Show
me the changes.

You I like.

All I could think about

Was coming home to see you.

That is so sweet.

Surprise. Mary ann!

Surprise.

Mary ann... Surprise.

Whoa.

Oh.

I want you.

Guess what. Careful.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Oh, by the way...

I'm worried.

All: happy anniversary!

Whoa.

A firm embrace.

Too much. Too much.

Easy. All right.

The peach is very intrusive,

Will dominate the drink.

[Coughing] I got like
a little... A little pit...

[Coughs]

The flesh of the
peach pulp is amazing.

It's... It's... It's
like h*tler.

It does what it wants.

Now what?

Sweetie, you'll be back by : ?

Mm-mmm. Mmm.

Oh, 'cause you got
the thing tonight.

Ok, so I'll see you later.

[Mumbles]

What, chocolate pudding?

Ow!

What's the matter?

My tooth. I think
I got a cavity.

Why don't you eat more cookies?

Have a cookie.

I smell turkey.

Noodles and...
Tomato sauce and...

Ch-ch-ch-cheese.

Oh, paul.

All right, shall we?

[Barks]

Egypt makes beer?

What's that on your sweater?

It's twinkie filling.

We have eggs and batteries.

Hey, do we still have
bananas, or did you finish them?

Yes.

Yes what? Yes,
you finished them,

Or yes, we have no bananas?

Hi. You guys want the usual?

Uh, sure. Why not?

Ok, and that would be what?

You got very impressive
credits here, seriously.

Is this all true?

A lot of it's true.

Some bread? Oh, no, thanks.

Did you know that
in ounces of meat,

Ounces are blood?

You know, paul makes movies.

That's so funny.
I work at a bank.

What are you doing?
I was just sitting.

Where? Right here.

Where? At your table.

Where at my table? In the chair.

What chair? This chair.

Whose chair? Your chair.

Aha.

Burt, could we have
a little order here?

Burt, uh, you're blocking regis.

Yes, burt, blocking regis.

Look at you. You're on tv.

I'm on tv.

People never think I'm funny,

But I can be funny,
too, you know?

I suppose that's true, that
people have a certain image of you.

Mmm, what kind of image?

Wh-wh-what do they have?

Uh, uh... Who know...

You know, I suppose,
you know, not...

Not that you were responsible

For breaking up the... Ok.

Everything you do is just right.

That's what I think. Thank you.

You know, I'm so
full, I could puke.

Shut up. Stand back...

'Cause this is gonna
be very spectacular.

Announcer: something
seems to be amiss.

Something is wrong.

The ball has stopped at three.

Oh, sure.

The one year I
decide to stay home.

[Car alarms]

Oops.

[Gargles]

What are you doing
here? I don't know

Ah-heh.

Oh, dennis. Oh, yeah, dennis.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Right there, baby. Yeah, yeah.

Will you tell her what men think

When girls give in
on the first date?

Yippee?

You do these things
without thinking.

That's how I live. I just
close my eyes and I leap.

Yeah, well, I'm running
all over town with a net.

Who's annette?

Excuse me.

Lisa, voice-over: oh, my
god. You're the king.

Here I go. Wow. Aaah.

That lisa, she's so sweet.

Yeah, I guess she is.

You two are so different.

I'm turning off the
lights in the kitchen.

You know, this is the first time

That you and I have
been alone together,

I mean, without paul around.

My god, can't you skip a night?

Do you want me to
change the way I talk?

[Gruff] ok, I'll
change the way I talk.

I'll take care of the kitchen.

See, this is why we
turned out this way.

This is what I'm saying.

This is what I'm
saying. I'm saying...

I think we're all
saying the same thing.

What?

What's wrong with you? Hey.

What is the matter with you?

We're their glue-people.

Mark... He's up to
something. It's getting me up...

What is the matter with you?

We hold them together,

Our little circle of
friends. That's our job.

Hey, mark. How you doing?

How you doing? I'm
good. I'm good. I'm good.

You doing good? Yeah,
good, I'm fine. Good, good.

How'd we get that job?

Because we're the least crazy.

Yeah, but by a
little, by so little.

Where's the bra?

I don't know.

Hey! I love you.

She's so... [Sobs]

And he's so... [Laughs]

Ira's picking up fran,

And fran's picking up mark.

You guys having fun?

Good.

How's it going?

'Cause I feel great.
Feel my ass. I wear these.

I think I spilled some paint

On one of your shirts.

Ah, don't worry
about it. It's mark's.

What... What... What do you do?

Have fun.

You know what it's
like to just have fun?

Why would you tell him that?

You know paul. He's
riddled with anxiety.

You just don't go tell
him something like that.

You don't think the pants
are a little too short?

No matter when I die,

It's gonna piss me off.

You think the world is
going to be a poorer place

Because you have
not produced an heir?

In my opinion, that is
no reason to have kids.

It's just pure ego.

A child, paulie,
should be the product

Of the natural organic love

Between two committed people.

Now, please,

Can we watch the p*rn channel?

Go ahead. Paul. Really?

Yeah.

Wow.

You guys ever have a marriage

That just fell to crap?

Yeah. Yes.

Hey.

Hey. One more time.

Honey, it's a baby, not a dog.

What if you put a piece
of kibble on your belly?

There's a good idea.

You know, 'cause
kibble usually works.

Come on, baby, hey.

[Snaps fingers]

Murray, roll over.

Let's go.

Let's go.

This is new.

Murray!

Man: yeah?

Murray the dog!

Murray the dog!

You know what I like
about you, murray?

You listen.

You, you pay attention.

[Thud]

Honey, you're slobbering.

[Rrowl]

Sweetie, I don't want to.

Go put some clothes on.

[Rrowl] he's a dog.

Yeah, well, he can't keep
using that as an excuse.

His last bowel movement?

Monday. Monday.

Oh, can you believe
this: saturday.

I would like to loosely
cup your dog's testicles.

And I'm, this is what
I'm saying to you: no.

I told you not to go in there.

[Arf]

What? I hit my funny bone.

Ow. Ow. Walk it off.

Ba ba ba ba.

You go ba ba ba ba ba.

I'm, uh, I'm thinking
soup, but, uh...

They only have bisque.

Ba ba ba ba boom.
Ba ba ba ba boom.

We are here to discuss
the future, not the past.

Well, what... What was the
point of the whole thing?

We had fun, didn't we?

You got a beautiful wife?

Yeah. You love her?

Paul: sure.

Does she love you?

Yeah.

You got more than
three pairs of pants?

Yeah.

There you go.

Where?

To the future.

I'll mind the past, and you...

Giddyap to the future.

[Sighs]

You wanna know how
beautiful this baby would be?

Come here.

You know how they say every
baby chooses its parents?

Mm-hmm.

Why do you think
this baby chose us?

I don't know.

I mean, out of everyone
on the whole planet,

This baby said, "I want them,

In apartment -d."

Well... It's a very
interesting question.

Oh. Ooh. Hey, hey, hey.

What's the difference?