05x09 - The Gym

[bunniefuu]

Ooh, you're back, you're back.

I am back, I'm back.

I have the best
husband in the world.

That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

You spoil me sometimes.
You really do.

Hey, who loves ya, baby?

I can't believe it's the
middle of the night,

And my husband is making
me a hot fudge sundae.

Believe it, my pretty
little wife. Believe it.

You get the syrup?

I got the syrup.

Nuts?

Got the nuts.

Cherries?

I got the cherries.

Got those little marshmallows?

I love you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into
the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

Which book you think
is better for the gym,

John grisham or
michael crichton?

Grisham.

Really?

Yeah. Plus crichton's too tall.

Have you ever seen
him? He's, like, ' ".

That's true.

It's just that when
you're on a stairmaster,

You want just the right book.

You know... Small chapters,

Paper that stands up to sweat,

You want big print, you
know, because you're going...

Can I say something? Please.

These baby books...

They don't know what
they're talking about.

Well, they're written by babies.

They're full of contradictions.

This one says an occasional
glass of wine is ok.

Now, there's a relief.

Yeah. This one says
never touch alcohol.

That makes sense.

This one says exercise
as much as possible.

Well, sure.

Yeah, but this one says
never exercise strenuously.

Strenuously, yeah.
Nobody wants that.

You're not helping.

My advice...

Figure out what you want to do,

And then just find a
book that says it's ok.

I don't like this bookstore.

We should have
gone to weatherby's.

They have a better selection.

Weatherby's closed.

Weatherby's closed? When?

Like, months ago. This
place put it out of business.

I didn't realize that.

How could you not realize that?

I've been coming here.

Honey, how about
when elephants weep?

Ah, no, no, no.

You said you
wanted to read this.

Yeah, but not in a gym.

It's a little... A little
too sissy-esque.

You know, I can start going
to that gym with you now.

Why? What are you talking about?

I have a free pass.

What pass?

A free pass. Visits.
Ira gave it to me.

He shouldn't have done that.

Why not? I don't know.

Just doesn't seem to
me to be a very good idea.

You know, no strenuous exercise.

Lots of strenuous exercise.

Well, put that one back.

What, I can't go to the
gym and work out with you?

No, it's not that you can't...

What is it with
you and this gym?

Nothing.

What?

Truth?

I like... I like
going by myself.

It's my sanctuary.

You know, it's my little oasis.

Why do you need an oasis?

I don't... I just...

I just like having a
little patch of the world

Where nobody knows me.

Ira knows you.

Yeah. Ask me how thrilled
I am he started coming in.

I'm not going to
bother you, you know.

You can flirt with people.
I won't even say anything.

I'm not flirting.

We don't even have
to walk in together.

Now you're going to make me
feel bad I said anything at all.

No, I'm just trying
to understand.

I just... I just... You
know what it is?

I like going there,
and when I'm there,

I don't have to be anybody's
anything, you know? I mean...

I'm nobody's husband,
I'm nobody's son,

I'm nobody's about-to-be father,

I just, you know,
there's mystery there.

You're a mystery man.

I'm a mystery man.

Hey, you guys are
expecting a baby, huh?

See what I'm talking about?

No mystery.

There's no mystery.

[Beep]

Oh... scusi.

scusi.

¿ah, italiano?

[Speaking italian]

scusi.

Wow, great sneakers.

Oh, thank you.

Where'd you get 'em?

I got a guy.

Are they nikes or...?

You know what?
I'd rather not say.

Ah. I understand.

So what are they, tennis
shoes, basketball...?

These are, uh, ironically
they're lacrosse shoes.

You play lacrosse?

I enjoy a game of
lacrosse, yeah.

In fact, I got the nationals
coming up, so I got to...

Hey, paulie, I got
some great news.

You know that gym manager dante?

He's going for my proposal.

Gonna set up a little
boutique in the lobby,

Gonna sell buchman's
sporting goods.

Isn't that fantastic?

Ok, ok, what did I say
about talking to me in here?

What? What did you say?

I said don't do it.

I... Listen, just pretend
we're strangers in here, ok?

When I'm here, I don't want
to hear about the store,

I don't want to hear
about your deals.

In here we're not related.
We're just two guys in bad shape.

Pardon me for piercing
your veil of anonymity.

My girl will call your
girl. We'll do lunch.

Hey, ira...

Hey, hey, hey, dante, so
we got a deal or what?

Don't rush me. I just
took my enzymes, all right?

All right.

Hey, uh... Who's that
guy in the glasses?

Him? Ah, he's nobody.

Come on, is he, uh, famous

Or in show business
or something?

No.

Come on.

Actually, dante, yes,
he... He makes films.

I knew it.

I'm gonna go introduce myself.

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't want to do that.

See, he craves his anonymity.

That's why he comes here, see,
'cause nobody knows who he is.

You think I could
give him my head sh*t?

No, no. You... I wouldn't.

All right, all
right, that's enough.

Stop hogging the machines.

I got people waiting here.

There you go, sir,
all ready for you.

Thank you very much.

And may I say, that is a
very nice top you're wearing.

grazie.

So how was the gym, mystery man?

The gym was very good.

Mystery man worked on his lats.

Lats?

The lats and delts.
Very pumped. Feel, feel.

Wow.

See that? I did high
weights, low reps.

That's for size. Big size.

And my abs... I want
to get my abs cut.

Tomorrow I'm gonna do abs,

I'm gonna do tris and bis,

Lots of reps for
cut and for size.

Any two-syllable
words at the gym?

No.

Hey, isn't that that
guy from the bookstore,

That's from... From weatherby's?

Yep. I didn't
know... Hey, virgil.

Mr. And mrs. Buchman.

Hi. Hey, no, no, no.
Paul. Paul and jamie.

Actually, I prefer formality.

All right, then.

So have you been working out?

Just... You know...
Trying to stay in shape.

How you doing, virgil?

I am engaged in life.

Temporarily
sidetracked on my journey

But optimistic about the future.

So do you see anything you like?

Actually, I do.

Honey?

Yeah.

Oh, boy, you know what?

I think I have,
like, cents left.

What am I going to
do with cents?

I sunk all my cash
into this pizza.

Would you like a pizza?

Pizza?

Yeah. It's fresh, hot.
Why don't you take it?

No. I don't eat
cheese. I'm a vegan.

I don't eat any animal products.

It's a philosophical thing.

Ok. Well, you could scrape
off the pepperoni and the cheese

And then maybe suck the
eggs out of the crust...

Ok. Never mind.

That's ok.

There must be something
we can do for you.

Ah, there really is not.

Hey, you know what?
How about a book,

And you could sell the
book to somebody else.

We got great
stuff. I got grisham...

Grisham. Crichton...

Actually, my customers
are a little more discerning.

Which reminds me... Here.

I've been saving this for you.

ask the dust!

Honey, have ever read this?

Oh, with all the dust and the
questions. Yes, yes. That's good.

This is so hard to
find. Thank you so much.

Don't mention it.

Good luck to you.

I have to give you
something for these.

No, no. It really
isn't necessary.

You know what? I
have this free pass...

Oh, baby... To a gym.

Free pass to a gym?

Yeah.

That might be interesting.

You know, it's not even
as interesting as you think.

Here, take it. I don't know.

He doesn't know. Please take it.

He doesn't want
it. Are you sure?

I couldn't. He can't.

I'd like to. But he can't.

Please.

Thank you.

That's very kind of you.

Listen, and you know, if you
don't want to, you don't have to.

No, no. Actually, I
think I might enjoy this.

Ok, good. Well,
then, there you go.

See ya.

See ya... Mr. Buchman...

Maybe you and I can
get together at the gym

And... And work
out. When do you go?

When do I go to the gym?

Yeah. When do you go to the gym?

Uhh... Different times, really.

It's no... No real set pattern.

Well, roughly.
Roughly when do you go?

Uhh...

You know it just...
It changes so much.

Whenever the mood
strikes me, really.

And I might not
even be going back

'Cause I pulled...
Pulled a muscle.

I have a strain...
A ripped muscle.

Well, I'm sure we'll
run into each other.

Ok, good. Ok.

You have a rip?

It's possible.

Ok, what did he mean by
the word "discerning"?

It means highbrow, selective...

I know what the word means.

I'm saying why did he
choose that word with me?

He happens to be very well-read.

Hey, I'm well-read.

I could read bite the dust if...

ask the dust.

ask the dust, whatever.

The point is, I find
him a little super, uh...

You know, a
little, like, over...

Like he thinks he's so
much smarter than me.

He's going through a hard time.

Fine. Just don't
take it out on me.

I'm knocking myself out
trying to help the guy.

Why don't you just
give him a little leeway?

I'll give him the leeway. I just
didn't want to give him the gym pass.

Well, you wouldn't
let me use it.

Why should it go to waste?

Because I told you, I
go there to be alone.

You know, I don't need
some guy sneaking up on me

And mocking my reading material.

Mystery man's getting
a little defensive.

More like hypersensitive man.

All right, let me
tell you something.

Mystery man is not a superhero.

He's just trying to
lose a few pounds.

Hey, uh, how ya doing
there today, sir?

Yeah, all right...

Hey, dante, what's up?
We got a deal or what?

Not quite.

Yeah, but in spirit?

Look, don't pressure
me. I don't like pressure.

Hey, no pressure. I'm just, you
know, making sure we're clear.

Hey, maybe we could put
some shelves up over there,

Put a sign up over that...

Hey, get off the bench!

Hey, look, I gotta do
my pecs now, all right?

We'll talk about this later.

Yeah. I'm just making
sure that we're clear.

I feel like if you say
one more word to me,

I'm gonna snap.

Ok?

Ha ha ha... Understood.

Hey, paulie, this close, huh?

I'm this close.

What's up?

You know that gym pass
that you gave to jamie?

The gym pass? Yeah.

She gave it to a homeless guy.

What?

She gave it to this
homeless guy... Virgil.

How could you let her do that?

What do you mean,
how could I let her?

She's not a marionette.

She does things.

If dante finds out that
that pass came from me,

My whole deal is
going to be blown.

Maybe not, maybe not.

Look, he kicks people
out of this joint

For combing their hair wrong.

Now you got a
homeless guy coming in?

You're k*lling me.

Hello. I was given
this -day pass.

Uh...

You're gonna have to wait here.

Of course.

Hey, I ain't exactly
thrilled about it either.

You know, this is
supposed to be my oasis,

My little fortress of solitude.

Oh, please. Don't start
that mystery man crap again.

I'm saying that if virgil comes
in here and says hello to me,

That's it. Then I got my
secret identity... Blown.

We're talking about
my future here, ok?

We're not talking about
some stupid fantasy man.

Look, I'll buy you a cape.

You can run around
port authority.

They already got a guy.

Hey... You're gonna
have to leave now.

Excuse me, but I believe
I have a right to be here.

Excuse me, nothing.
Get the hell out now!

I believe you'll find that
everything is in order.

Who gave you this?

Who gave him this?

Whoever gave this man this pass,

I will k*ll!

scusi.

Hey, this book says it's not unusual
to have excessive flatulence.

For me, not for you.

[Doorbell buzzes]

Just trying to help
you out... To share...

From... From the love.

James... Why do you hate me?

What?

I'm serious. What
did I ever do to you

That you have so much
hatred in your bosom for me?

What are you talking about?

The free pass that I gave you,

You gave it to a homeless guy.

All right, first of all,
paul wouldn't let me use it.

Oh, that's great.

And second, have
a little respect.

Don't just call
him a homeless guy.

Is he a guy?

Yes. Is he homeless?

Yes.

Homeless guy!

Well, you could be a
little more sensitive.

James, what the hell
were you thinking?

This is an exclusive
health club.

When they say exclusive,

Who do you think that
they're trying to keep out?

What, do you have
stock in the place?

Well, I happen to be working
on a little deal there, yes.

So before you lose any money,

You're willing to have this
guy thrown out in the street?

Yes.

What do you think about this?

Oh, I'm so happy not to
be in this conversation.

Yeah. Well?

I think it's... You know,
it's one of those situations

Where truly there
are no winners.

Wow. Could you be
more wishy-washy?

So where's this guy hang out?

Why?

Because... To get the pass back.

What are you going to say? Why?

'Cause you'll say something
or he'll say something...

I won't say anything.

You'll say something bad.

Nobody'll say anything.

Somebody's gonna
have to say something.

Will you just tell me
where he hangs out?

You swear to god
you won't offend him?

I swear. Just tell me
where he hangs out.

Library.

Which one?

Paul: virgil, hi.

Boy, you guys have your
own little area here.

That's terrific.

In what sense?

You know I just...
All I meant was that

You have all these
great books here,

And you have the
window and everything.

It's just... Uh-huh.

Believe me, listen, I understand,
you know, very much...

Well, a little bit, anyway,
what you're going through. I do.

Myself, when...
When I was in school,

I had literally no money
when I was in school,

And, uh, for a while I was...

I had to work at thom
mcann's some weekends.

Remember? I used to
work at thom mcann's.

No matter how much
homework I had, there I was...

Puttin' 'em away,
you know, so it's...

Would you excuse
me? Excuse me, please?

I'm just sharing...

Virgil, I have a
proposition for you.

A proposition?

No, no. No, no, no.
Not a proposition.

No, that's not it at all.

More of a... Think
of it like a proposal.

Fine, fine. A proposal.

Nothing insulting.

Do you mind? Go ahead.

So, virgil, you know
that free -day gym pass

That his wife gave you?

Yeah. You should see my
pecs after just one day.

Really? Did you get
size? Did you get cut?

Size and cut. Yeah.

Listen, virgil, we... We
would like the pass back.

No, no, no...

It's not that we
want the pass back.

You know what? We would
like to replace the pass...

With another gift.

A gift?

Yeah, yeah. We wanna bribe you.

No, no, no. No bribing.
Nobody's bribing.

We would like to replace...

We'd like to replace
the gift with, uh...

The gift of a sum of money.

I see.

Listen, as I said, I wanted to
give you money at the time.

Well, mr. Buchman,
as I said at the time,

I wouldn't have accepted it.

I would.

All right. Good.

So why do you want
the pass back, anyway?

Because... No!

What?

Because, uh, truthfully, that
was my wife's idea... The pass.

I... I didn't think that was
a proper gift for you.

Oh, I disagree.

There're showers
there, and it's warm...

Actually, I think it's
quite an inspired gift.

Yeah, but, virgil,
see, the deal is,

We don't want to have homeless
people in the health club.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Sorry. It's not that at all.

What kind of language is that?

I apologize. What?

We... We were just...
We were thinkin'...

Hey, hey, hey, guys,
I don't blame you.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, if I were
someone like you,

I wouldn't want someone
like me messing up my club.

So you... You understand, right?

Of course he understands.

Of course I understand,

And, ira, thank you very much
for your straightforwardness.

Wow.

I hope... You know, I was going
to be straightforward, too,

And I thought maybe if I
came around the other side...

Ok, look, good for
you. Good for you.

So great. So... So you're
gonna give us back the pass?

Absolutely not.

Hey, virgil.

Mrs. Buchman.

How's business?

Frankly, the big
chains are k*lling me.

Listen, I have your
money for those books.

Oh, no. It's on the house.

Please. I insist.

Ok, but for tax purposes only.

Out for a little fresh air?

Actually, I'm just out
for a little exercise.

Well, how come you don't go to
the gym that you gave me the pass to?

My husband doesn't want me to.

It's his private oasis.

Ah. So he doesn't
want you there, either.

What do you mean, "either"?

Did he say something to you?

No. Not really.

Did he ask you not
to go to that gym?

Well, n-n-not in so many words.

Excuse me.

Uh, mrs. Buchman, please,

Really, it's no big deal.

It's ok.

No, no, really.
It's not worth it.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, dante...

Look, you gotta
stop hassling me.

Ha ha. I'm not hassling you.

You're hassling me.

Look, I haven't
made up my mind yet.

When I make up my
mind, then we'll talk.

Until then, you're
blocking my path.

Hey, my apologies.

Hey. What?

When are you going
to introduce me

To your friend like
you promised, huh?

I'll tell ya, dante, it's
kind of a delicate situation.

Really? Yeah.

Has he been, uh...
Talkin' about me already?

Absolutely.

He's askin' all
kinds of questions.

Yes.

Can I help you?

No, thank you.

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

Huh? Wh...

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

Keep your voice down.

I will not. How could
you do that to that man?

scusi.

scusi?

What do you mean, scusi?

You happy? You're
k*lling mystery man.

How could you look
that man in the face...

Hey, hey, keep it down.

Respect his privacy.

Do you know who this man is?

He's my husband.

Is that true?

Uh... Hey.

Yeah. Yes.

Mrs. Buchman!

Virgil.

I don't want there
to be any trouble.

Trouble? I'll give you trouble.

Your pass is no good.

It's void. You understand?

you're void. Do you understand?

Is there a problem here?

I'm sorry to bother
you with this, sir,

But somehow this bum
got a pass to my gym.

Ok, first of all...
He's not a bum, ok?

And second of all,
I gave him the pass.

you gave it to him?

Yeah, I did.

I hope that's not a problem.

I had no idea he was an
acquaintance of yours.

Oh, yeah. Well, ok. Now you do.

So, uh...

Is there anything that you
want to say to my friend, virgil?

Welcome to the inferno.

Thank you.

Ok.

There you go.

And... Ooh... By the way,

I understand there's some
hemming and hawing going on

Trying to close a deal
with my good friend ira.

Is that... Is that true at all?

Oh, no, no, no.
No trouble at all.

In fact, the
paperwork's in my office.

Come on, ira. Stop
dilly-dallying. Let's go.

Listen, virgil,
i... I... You know,

You wanna stay and work out?

No. Actually, uh... I've left
my business unattended.

But, uh... Nice being asked.

You two go ahead.

See ya.

Good for you.

Hey, not in front of
everybody, all right?

Sorry.

My wife, ladies and gentlemen.

Yes... Mystery man,

Strange visitor
from another planet...

And we're not sure which one...

Who came to earth with powers
far beyond those of mortal men.

Yeah, and especially the ability
to be completely mysterious.

Who is he? We don't know.

What's he doing here?

We don't know.

What does he want
from us? We have no idea.

What is his name?

Nobody knows.

Paul?

Coming, sweetie.