05x22 - The Feud

[bunniefuu]

Anything I can do?

Yes. You can put
out the appetizers,

You can get the dip
out of the refrigerator,

And you can make room in
the closet for the coats.

You were just supposed
to say, "no, thanks."

Paul: ok, where do these go?

Put those on the coffee table

Next to the crib catalog.

Next to the crib catalog,

Which I notice is open
to a particular page.

Your mother likes carrots.

I'm hoping she'll take
one, see the crib catalog,

Ask me why I have it.

I'll mention that I happen
to like that particular one.

She'll go out and get it for us.

So that's your plan?

Carrot, crib. Carrot, crib.

She said she wanted
to get us a crib.

It may as well be one we like.

We like this one?

Yup.

Really? We don't find
it a little pretentious?

No.

Are we sure?

We're positive. We love it.

We think it's very elegant.

It's for a baby. They
don't care about elegance.

They walk around
with poop in their pants.

Thank you very much.
Please open the wine.

Why are we doing this?

There are so many other things

We could be doing tonight.

I'm looking forward to it,

Both of our parents
here together.

Why? They've gotten together
times since we're married.

They'll get together maybe more times
in our life, and then we can all go home.

[Door buzzer]

I want us to have
a close family.

Don't you want that?

No. That's exactly the
kind of thing I'm against.

Ma, hi.

Hello to you.

Oh, there's my
little grandchild.

[Kiss kiss kiss]

Hello, sylvia.

Oh, hi.

Pop, would you like
something to go with that?

Maybe some m&ms and a slurpy.

The guy on the
street was closing up,

And he sold me his
whole stock for $ . .

Oh!

We have a little
surprise for you.

Not so little.

Boys.

Oh, look at this.

Honey, a crib.

I decided to go
ahead and get one.

Great.

Isn't it adorable?

We wanted to give it to
you before the shower

So we wouldn't show anyone up.

Wow. It's so... Beautiful.

And funny thing is, we
were just talking about

What kind of crib should we get,

So now we don't have
to worry about that.

No, we don't.

Ooh. Carrots.

[Door buzzer]

That's probably my mom.

Maybe the word is on the street

That we got
everybody's pretzels.

Hi, sweetie!

Hi, mom.

Hi, darling.

Oh, hi. How are you?

Mom, you remember
burt and sylvia.

What's this?

They just brought it for us.

Isn't it beautiful?

Well... Oh... It's darling.

It-it's... Darling.

It's just very... Darling.

Thank you.

And it's so... Thoughtful.

It's so very...
Darli... Thoughtful...

It's a thoughtful
and darling gift.

Mom, are you all right?

Oh, sure.

Excuse me.

Is that it?

So, when's dinner?

Mom? What was all that about?

Oh, nothing. I just thought

Maybe I'd left my
umbrella out in the hall.

Your umbrella?

Yes.

It's not raining.

Well, I know, but, uh...

They said it might.

Who?

The news.

Which channel?

. Said sun.

.

Is in spanish.

Oh, don't be silly.

I mean, why else would
I go out into the hall?

[Door buzzer]

I'll get it!

Man: lady, we
gotta deliver this.

What's this?

It's a crib that I bought
for jamie and paul.

Cribs. Who knew?

We go to dinner, we
generally bring wine.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know you'd
already had one.

Don't be. It's beautiful.

Isn't it?

Isn't it?

I saw it when I was antiquing,

And I just fell in love with it.

It's very attractive,
isn't it, burt?

Sure.

And, of course, sylvia,

Yours is also beautiful.

They're just both
beautiful, generous gifts,

And I have absolutely
no idea what to do here.

What's the problem?

Just send one of them back.

Good idea. Yeah.

Absolutely.

Oh, I agree.

I guess so.

Which one?

It's all a matter

Of which way you want to go.

What way is ours?

Yours...

It's fun.

It is fun.

It-it's playful.

That's what yours is.

Actually, I think maybe that
might be the best way to go,

Because, uh, before long,

This place will be
filled up with toys

So there would be no
point in having anything nice.

Like yours.

Well, mine is an antique.

And do we know anything

About the baby who had it first?

Hey, you know what,
how about some wine?

I ate pretzels.

Hey, boss, where do
you want the airwalks?

Storeroom, top shelf.

How you doing there, marvin?

Ok.

Hey, star wars.

You like star wars, do you?

Sure.

'Cause I like it, too.

Except for that
new stuff they added.

I'm not so crazy about that,

That jabba the hut scene.

To me, it was a little
redundant and self-indulgent.

It's only a movie.

No, I just meant, you know...

[Muttering] yeah. See you later.

He's still mad at me, isn't he?

Who, marvin? Yeah.

Why? I don't get it.

Ok, yes, I called him a sissy,

But then I apologized.

He should like me now.

Paulie, do you like him?

What the hell's the difference?

The point is, I
want him to like me.

Call me crazy. I don't care.

I don't care. You're crazy.

Look, everything's put away.

It's dead out there. You
mind if we play a few hands?

No. Let's play.

Beautiful.

Play a little poker, are you?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You know, I was
in a game for a while.

Is that right?

We broke up, and
I miss that game.

Uh-huh.

I been thinking I should
get myself into a new game.

Paulie, would
you like to join us?

Sure. Yeah, if it's
ok with marvin.

Sure.

They're not special star
wars cards or anything.

star wars cards.

Ho! I am hot.

I am in the zone.

I am in the hot zone.

Hey, boss, can I
borrow another ?

Hey, marvin. I got you again.

I got you. Here you go.

All right.

.

And more.

Ho. What, are you raising me?

What the hell you got there?

Are you in, or are you out?

All right, all right.

What do you got?

Aces!

Who's the man?

Zimmer! Zimmer! Zimmer!

Whoo!

Very nice, although,

Not quite as nice
as a full house.

Ho-ho!

But, marvin, you
played very well.

You came in second.

You got to feel good about that.

Deal me in the next hand.

I think I'm going to
step out after this one.

You're not going anywhere.

Paulie, I'm a little confused.

I thought you
wanted him to like you.

I do.

Well, it's working like a charm.

What do you want me
to do? I got good cards.

You know, he's totally broke.

Well, why wouldn't
somebody tell me this?

What do we care if you
and marvin are friends?

Marvin. Marvin, can I
talk to you for a second?

Excuse us.

Hey, marv, when I
took all your money,

I didn't know that
you were hurting.

Let's just say that we
were playing for fun.

We weren't playing for fun.

Does this look like the face
of a man who is playing for fun?

Not really, no.

No. We were playing for
money, and don't worry,

I'm gonna pay that
bucks back that I owe you.

That's no problem.

I'm not gonna forget about it.

You know, listen...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Paulie, you never mention
his financial problems,

All right?

It humiliates him.
He becomes furious.

Ok, could you tell
me these things

Maybe before I do them?

Come here. Look what I got.

This is the perfect solution.

See, we tell our mothers that we
went with a playpen instead of a crib,

And, that way, neither
of them will feel slighted.

Both of them will feel slighted.

It's not a foolproof plan.

But look at this.

It's soft and bouncy.

Well, at least the baby

Won't have to worry
about mosquitoes.

What's the matter?

You bought an ugly crib.

Seriously.

My mother called.

She says she's not sure if she
can make it to the baby shower.

Then she immediately asked me
if sylvia was going to be there.

Well, you know, my mother
ain't crazy about her either.

What are we going
to do with those two?

Keep them apart.

Do you want your
child to grow up

And never see his
grandmothers in the same room?

Next to raising
him in a democracy,

That's the greatest
gift I could give him.

I have one idea.

What?

Quilting.

Just sew our moms together?

When I was right out of
college, I got these kittens,

And they hated each
other no matter what I did.

I asked the vet what
I should do about it,

And he said I should smear
them both with tuna fish oil

And then lock them in the
shower stall together.

I did, and when I went
in to check on them,

They were all cuddled up in an
adorable little ball licking each other,

And they were
friends ever since.

All right. Let me
just say right now,

If you smear our
mothers with tuna fish,

They will be very angry.

I'm having them
over here tomorrow

To teach me how to quilt.

So... I'm the tuna. Get it?

[Door buzzer]

Well, all right.

There is an outside chance

That you could
get licked to death

By both our mothers.

Where do you want it?

Far away from here.

Just put it with the others.

What... What is this?

You bought a
playpen. I bought this.

All right. So, maybe

The baby will show
up with friends.

[Door buzzer]

Marvin. Hi. Hey, what
are you doing here?

I came to pay you back
some of what I owe.

You know, that's
totally not necessary.

Really. It would make
me feel much better.

Ok. Sure. Come on in.

But, you know, marvin, listen,

Only what you can
absolutely afford.

I can't afford anything.

All right.

Would you like a receipt?

I thought I would,
uh, work it off

Doing small household chores.

You know, well...

I think I would feel kind
of awkward with that.

Well, maybe you're right.

So it's back to the blood bank.

No, marvin.

Marvin. No, no, no.

Yeah, sure. You could
do some chores. Sure.

Ok. What?

I don't know.

I could stack your cribs.

You know, um, maybe just
straighten up a little bit,

And then we'll call it even.

No, no, no, no.

Straightening up is $ . .

I didn't know you had a whole
price list and everything.

Hi, marvin.

Hi, mrs. Buchman.

Why are you cleaning?

He, uh... He wants to.

So, this is it? We're quilting?

The whole plan is in motion?

They'll be here any minute.

You want to keep the
sharper image catalog?

Uh, yeah.

You'll never order from it.

Fine.

I want to leave
them alone together,

So what I need you to
do is call me from work.

[Door buzzer]

I wasn't planning
to go in today.

Yes, you were.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi, mom.

Hi, honey. Hi, paulie. Hi.

Hello. Hi.

This is marvin.

Hi.

Can I take your coat?

Thank you.

. .

Well, what's this?

A mistake. It's going back.

I should hope so.

Oh, look at this.

My little girl's got
a quilting basket.

Well, it's actually mine,

But you girls go ahead.

Oh, I can't wait to
show you my secrets.

Uh, you know what?

Could we wait just
a few minutes? Why?

Someone else is coming. Who?

Sylvia.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Really? You don't mind?

No, I don't mind.

I have to go.

No, no, no. Mom.

Mom. Mom, please don't.

No. I really have to.

Why?

A friend... In the hospital.

She's very sick.

Which friend?

Joyce.

Joyce... Starbucks.

She's in the hospital
for... Allergies.

Which hospital? The one uptown.

St. John's? Yes.

Downtown. They moved it?

Mom, will you just
give sylvia a chance?

I think you'd really like her.

All right. I'll stay if
it'll make you happy,

But just for a few minutes.

Thank you so much.

[Door buzzer]

Can I freshen your coffee?

How much?

Bucks.

Go ahead.

Hello, jamie. Hi.

Hi, paul.

Hiya, mama. Look who's here.

I have to go.

No, wait. Come on.

I'd like to stay,

But I have to... Get
dinner started.

It's only : .

I'm making a very special roast.

It takes hours of preparation,

It takes hours to marinate,

Minutes for cooking,

And a half an hour to sit.

What are you making, a bison?

Sylvia, I wanted you to show me

That wonderful stitch
you did on the table runner.

The flower curl?

It's so beautiful.

All right. But I can
only stay a few minutes.

[Vacuum motor]

Marvin?

Marvin?

Marvin, listen, I'm going
to go to the office.

So, you, uh, want
to come with me?

For a $ escort fee.

Deal.

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Paul.

Really?

Ok. I'll be right there.

Paul forgot his bag,

So I have to run down
and bring it to him.

We'll go with you.

No, no, no. Stay. Quilt.

Maybe even talk.

Uh... I... I fold.

Fold? You got kings showing.

Yeah. It looks
like more than it is.

So, I guess my jacks
have to bet the max.

I'm out. Me, too.

Me, too.

My children, come to papa.

Boy, marvin, you are
making a k*lling here today.

Hey, paul, man,

I'm so sorry I was
so cold to you

The other day after the game,

But I got a lot of
issues with money.

Please. Come on.

I feel I deserve
more than I have,

So when people who have money

Take it away from
me, I resent them.

Well, you're certainly
articulate about that.

Well, I've been
seeing a therapist,

And he's been a huge help.

Really? It's funny,
'cause your therapist

Is somebody who has money

Who takes your money.

Well, there goes that.

No. I didn't mean
to imply that...

Jamie: hey, guys.

Hi, jamie. Hey. Jamie. Hi.

This is what you
do with your days?

No, no. We have scrabble, too.

You want to play, mrs. Buchman?

The table could
always use a lovely lady.

Hey, poker, huh?

Maybe we should just go get
a cup of coffee somewhere.

No, no, no. This
sounds like fun.

See? She wants to play.

Ok, but, marvin,
see, the thing is...

Paul, I think I can
handle myself.

Ok. The game is -card stud:

High-low, trips
or better to win.

Let's see what we got.

A jake, trey, a
b*llet, and a bitch.

He forgot his bag.

What, are we amateurs?

I wonder why she thinks
we don't like each other.

I really have no idea.

I mean, we are very
different women.

Different backgrounds.

Yeah. Different
way of doing things.

Certainly different tastes.

Yeah.

In a million years,

I wouldn't have
chosen a crib like that.

You got a picture of
me buying that one?

Yeah. Yours is so gothic.

Gothic?

Mm-hmm.

Well... Yes, maybe so.

Much in the same way

That yours is
slightly... Garish.

Garish?

Mine is not garish.

Oh, well, then I guess
neither is las vegas.

Would you please look at yours?

What about mine?

Mine happens to
be very inviting.

Sure, if you're rosemary's baby.

Well, excuse me,

But I don't think
they're planning

On raising a baby clown.

I suppose you
think that your crib

Is much better than my crib.

No, no. I just think
that your crib

Is threatened by my crib

Because it has taste.

Your crib does not have taste.

Your crib is an uptight,

Passive/aggressive little priss.

Well, your crib is a loud,

Overbearing fishwife.

Your crib... Has a bad dye job.

Well, your crib
can just go to hell!

Don't you dare.

Boy, marvin sure got
surly all of a sudden.

Yeah. He can be a moody guy.

So I won a little money.

Sweetie, you won $ .

There wasn't a guy at the
table didn't want you dead.

It's not my fault they
don't know how to bluff.

Why is it so quiet in there?

What happened here?

Mm, the other cribs got together

And voted this guy.

Hi. Hello.

When did you two get here?

Just, uh, just now.

What do you think?

Of... The crib. The crib.

We went shopping.

We bought it together.

We picked it out.

Your mother has
a very sharp eye.

Let me tell you,

Your mother is
some wheeler-dealer.

Well, I do know the
value of a dollar.

You hungry?

Yeah. We made tuna sandwiches.

You've got a little spot.

Look, you've got
a little thing here.

You did all this together?

Yeah.

Yeah. What, I
mean, we're family.

Yeah, I know, but,
come on, you guys...

All right. There were
a few differences.

We ironed them
out. Ok. Next case.

I mean, after all, we are going
to be thrown together a lot

For the next , years.

[Mock spitting]

Oh, my god.

This is just wonderful.

Would you please
look at the hour?

Oh, god.

We were having such fun,

I forgot all about the time.

Well, now you
kids enjoy the crib.

I saw a better crib.

I'll get it for you later.

I had to get that one
just to shut her up.

Bye, sweetheart.

Bye-bye.

Sweetheart, see you later.

Bye-bye. Bye, you two.

Well, that was pretty nice, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your mother say anything to you?

No. Why?

Yours?

No, nothing.

Ok. So, good.

Yeah.

Ok.

I call.

Dear god.

Kings.

Straight, high.

Flush to the queen.

Full boat, s and deuces.

Sorry, boys.

Straight flush.