01x01 - Rough Housing

[bunniefuu]

♪ There's a place you gotta go ♪

♪ For learning all you oughta
know about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When your books
are what you're there about ♪

♪ But looks
are what you care about ♪

♪ The time is right
to learn the facts of life ♪

♪ When the world
never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ It's time
you started finding out ♪

♪ What everything
is all about ♪

♪ When the boys
you used to hate you date ♪

♪ I guess you best investigate
the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪

♪ Gotta get 'em right
The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ It's time you started finding
out the facts of life are all about ♪♪

How does it look, huh?
Pretty good. Okay.

Ah, girls, girls.
We can't take all morning.

We gotta get these decorations to the Harvest
Fair before there's a change of season.

Whoo-hoo!
Mrs. Garrett, look who's here.

- Hi, Mrs. Garrett.
- Ah! Fellas. Mr. Drummond.

You're early. Good. [Sighs]

Well, we missed you.

Besides, my two boys
have never seen a Harvest Fair.

Never been to a Harvest Fair? Willis,
how did you know when it was autumn?

In New York it's easy.
The muggers dress warmer.

Mrs. Garrett, it's tough
catching the pig.

He's a great broken-field runner.
Should I load him on the bus?

Aw, you know what you oughta do?

Dump him in the tub first. He's
got ring around the collar all over.

Oh, hi. What are you
doing in a girls' school?

I was gonna ask you
the same thing.

Aw, your first date, Cindy.
Just your type.

You'd probably go
for taller pigs, Blair.

Hey, where's my little Arnold?

Oh, he'll be right along. He sent us
on ahead to see if the coast was clear.

It's okay, Arnold. There
aren't any girls in here. Hey!

[All Girls]
Hi, Arnold.

Aw, you lied to me.
We're not brothers anymore.

From now on,
we're distant cousins.

Oh, come here, Arnold.

Now, what's this
sudden aversion to girls?

You call my whole life "sudden"?

Don't worry, Arnold. In a few years
you'll think of women as being necessities.

If that's true,
my future looks bleak.

Well, Arnold, girls aren't
so bad. They grow on you.

Where? Where?

Mrs. Garrett, the real reason
that we came up early...

Was to try to talk you into
coming back. [Together] Yeah.

- Don't you miss
living with us?
- Oh, sure.

Wouldn't Marlin Perkins
miss his Wild Kingdom?

Oh, Arnold, you're so darling.
Ooh. Gimme a break, please.

Ah, come on. Loosen
up, Arnold. Girls don't bite.

Well, I know girls don't bite.
It's just that girls like to kiss.

And you take your life in your
hands with the ones that wear braces.

You don't have to worry
about me, Arnold.

I don't like kissin' either.
I'm into sports.

Hey, this one's almost human.

You wouldn't pull my leg,
would you?

Why not? You could
use a few inches.

Kimberly, let's all go over to
the hotel and change for the fair.

Fine. See you later, Mrs. Garrett.
Bye-bye. Okay. Bye-bye, Mrs. Garrett.

We'll see you later.
[Girl] Bye, Kim.

Good bye, Arnold.
[Kisses]

Don't move. I want to forget
you just the way you are.

Well, Mrs. Garrett,

This housemother thing isn't
permanently temporary, is it?

Oh, no. I'll be back. I promise.

Good, because we've been
having a rough time. Yeah?

Ever since you left, everything's
upside down and topsy-turvy.

I think I've been wearing
Arnold's underwear.

Well, that'll keep you
on your toes.

Come on, you guys.
Tug-of-w*r practice time.

We've got to get on the ball
before we get our brains knocked in.

Listen, slugger. Some of us
want to talk about the dance.

Now, come on now. You
just plant your foot right here.

Would you mind not
pawing me? You are strange.

Oh, nothing's strange
about her. It's her job.

Cindy is captain
of the games committee.

Yes. Well, some of us girls are interested
in what happens after her silly games...

The dance and the boys.

Something superjock
wouldn't know about.

How would you like me to fix it so
you could breathe through your ears?

All right, girls. Girls, this is
a school for young ladies,

Not a training camp
for the Roller Derby.

Don't worry. I have more
important things on my mind,

Like Gregg Hockney.

Gregg Hockney.
Oh, he's a real hunk.

Mrs. Garrett, come quick!
The pig is loose on the bus!

Well, don't get so excited,
Tootie. He can't drive a stick shift.

Morning, girls.
Thank you.

Here I am, the only headmaster
that makes house calls.

How are you, girls? We're
women. Okay, Mr. Bradley?

I'm sorry, Molly.
I keep forgetting.

You're a woman.

This is my first year
at Eastland...

And my first Harvest Fair,
so be gentle.

I'll be depending heavily on Miss Mahoney
to show me the ropes. She's an old pro.

I don't mean she's
an old pro. I-I mean,

She's... been around.

Oh, no. I don't mean
she's been around.

I mean, she's been around
the school for a long, long time.

For not... not that long.

Hardly more
than a girl. Oh...

Mr. Bradley,
I'm not coy about my age.

I don't care who knows it.
I'm 32-ooh years old.

Thirty-two?

Wow, so that's
what it looks like.

Natalie,

At 32, a woman
is in her full prime.

And it's not as far away
as you girls may think.

Some of you are about to
burgeon into womanhood.

I thought all of us
were "burgeons."

Can we stay later
at the dance this year?

- What's the curfew?
- Nancy, you know
the curfew. 10:00.

I'm glad you brought that up. It is Saturday,
and I think we should relax the rules.

Change the rules...

That have made this school's
reputation for 54 years?

I didn't say change,
just bend them a little.

Old rules don't always apply
to, uh, today's woman.

I'm going to dispense with
the 10:00 curfew and make it...

- 11:30.
- [Sue Ann] All right! Okay!

Mr. Bradley,

Once we make a rule
at Eastland, we stick to it.

Do you know what
that means? Yes.

You have sticky rules.

Change tonight's curfew
to 11:40.

[Girls Exclaiming]

Mr. Bradley,

I know that you come from
the public school system,

But Eastland is a private school
with its own private rules.

Good, then keep them private.

Girls, change that
to 11:50.

[Girls Exclaiming]

You're going to let them
stay up till 11:50?

I'm in bed by 11:50.
Perfect.

They can tuck you in when
they come home from the dance.

Now, we'll talk about
something really important.

Who is going to represent Eastland at
the Interschool Harvest Queen contest?

Well, since I am the...

Reigning Harvest Queen
for two years in a row,

Naturally, I'll be
in the contest.

[Mr. Bradley] All
righty. Well, count me out.

Nobody's judging me
on my cleavage.

I guess Molly speaks
for everyone?

Not for me. I
nominate Cindy. Cindy?

Cindy's great! The
best athlete in school.

At least that'll keep it from
being a total flesh parade.

Come on, Cindy. No
way, honestly. Forget it.

Oh, hi, Mrs.
Garrett. Mr. Bradley.

Guess what,
Mrs. Garrett?

Cindy's going to run against
Blair for Harvest Queen.

Super! Now we're gonna have
an honest-to-goodness race.

But really, I can't.
I don't even own a party dress.

You can wear the one
my sister gave me.

I grew out of it
before I grew into it.

It happens to the best of
us, dear. [Clears Throat]

Well, I think I'll go thread up the
sewing machine. Alterations on me.

All right now, Cindy.
Can I put your name down?

- Well, wait a minute...
- Ah, terrific.

Okay, gals... girls.
I mean, women.

On to the fair.

Sue Ann, I've got
another problem.

I don't know
what to do at a dance.

Oh, that's a cinch.
Lesson one:

Try to seem flattered when
the nerd asks you to dance.

Yeah, say,
"Gosh, thanks, nerd."

Don't say anything.
Just grab him.

And remember, Cindy, you're
supposed to be the girl. Try not to lead.

Oh, come on. Let's go upstairs
and teach her some steps.

I've got some great Donna
Summer records. Great, come on.

Uh, Sue Ann. Thanks
a lot for nominating me.

I love you.
Come on.

Cindy, what's wrong with
you? What do you mean?

All this touching and
hugging girls, and "I love you."

Boy, are you strange.

Well, I didn't mean anything.

I'll just bet.

You better think about
what you mean. [Scoffs]

[Chuckling] A couple
of tucks here and there,

And Cindy's going to be one
foxy lady at the dance tonight.

What are you
gonna wear? Nothing.

When do you arrive?
I don't want to miss it.

I meant, nothing special.
I have no one to impress.

Oh, hey.

Don't you have a date tonight?

No. I'm going
with Mr. Bradley.

We are both chaperoning
the dance.

Oh, and who's chaperoning
the two of you?

Don't make me titter.

Me? Fall for a man who could sack
and burn every tradition we have?

The Attila the Hun of Eastland?

Sounds like you really like him.

You called him "hon."

You may find humor in this,

But after what he did
to our curfew today,

Nothing that happens here
could surprise me. [Screams]

Mrs. Garrett,
can I hide in here?

Why sure, honey. What's the
matter? What ain't the matter?

There I was,
girls to the left of me,

Girls to the right of me,
patting, poking, pinching.

Uh, any dents in my cheeks?

No permanent damage.
You look darling.

That's what the girls said when they
dressed me up as Elmer Fudd the farmer.

It's a curse to be darling. Oh.

[Knocks]
Come in.

Ah.
There you are.

No sale, sister. Don't
look for no action here.

I don't have time
for you, child.

Good, 'cause I'm gone.

Mrs. Garrett, Cindy's dropped
out of the queen's race.

She's locked herself in her
room, and she won't talk to anyone.

Oh, dear. I better go
up to her. [Door Closes]

[Knocks]

Go away. I don't
want to talk to anyone.

But I'm a little chocolate
cupcake, and I got no place to go.

Ah, just in time. I was about to
do my imitation of a glass of milk.

I'm not hungry. And thanks,
but I don't need that dress.

What?
You mean, you're...

You're going to go to
the Harvest Ball like that?

I mean, whoever heard
of queens in jeans?

Now, you know they need
a real girl for Harvest Queen.

Mrs. Garrett, look at me. I
like football jerseys and pants.

There's nothing about me
that's feminine.

Now, what on earth
do you mean by that?

See, this dress isn't me.

I'm not Blair.

I'd much rather have a baseball
glove with a good pocket.

Yeah, but that
doesn't prove anything.

You know, even Blair
would love baseball...

If Gucci came out
with a catcher's mitt.

Nothing would make Blair
like baseball.

- And she was right about me.
- Right about what?

About me hugging and
touching girls all the time.

Not caring about boys.

Mrs. Garrett,

Maybe Blair is right.

Maybe I'm not normal.

Oh, you sure have built one
heck of a pocket in this glove.

You know, just because Blair said
something thoughtless and insensitive,

Doesn't mean that you have
to let it knock you for a loop.

Yeah, well, how many girls are built
like a boy and think only about sports?

Well, none that I can think of.

Except for Billie Jean
King, Nadia Comaneci,

Wilma Rudolph, Dorothy
Hamill... Okay, I get the idea.

All right. And as far as
looking like a boy,

When I was growing up on our farm in
Wisconsin, they used to use me for a beanpole.

Yeah. Well,
only for one summer.

Then that little time clock
inside my body took over,

Just like yours will,

And I started to get
curvier and curvier...

And curvier.

Well, my time clock
just isn't working.

I'm 14 already,
and I don't even like guys.

And why do you think
you don't like guys?

They make me nervous.

Oh, I know, I know.

They used to make me
nervous too.

And once in a while,
they still do.

Well, maybe Blair is right. I
don't feel nervous around girls.

You know me, I'm always
hugging and all that junk.

I gotta stop that.
Don't you dare.

Up her at the school,
these girls are your family.

There's nothing wrong
with hugging and touching.

It shows that you're a loving
person, and that's good.

The only people who
will tell you it's wrong...

Are the ones
who can't reach out...

And do it themselves.

I'd make somebody
a great brother.

You know, maybe if you'd shake me real
hard, that would get my time clock going.

Don't worry about your time clock. It'll
start tickin' when it's ready, I promise you.

That's the way my mother
explained it to me.

Well, my mom
had my dad explain it.

He told me that sex
was like a big garden,

And each person
was like a flower,

And when you love someone,
you have to put fertilizer on them.

Anyway, I think the time clock
sounds better. [Chuckling]

All right. Let's see how terrific
you're gonna look in this dress.

There.
[Gasps]

Oh, Cindy.

You look beautiful.

I don't think I look so great.

Now, who are you gonna believe,
you or the mirror?

I don't know.
But I'll tell you one thing.

If Blair ever says
I don't look feminine again,

I'm just going to have
to punch her out. All right.

Now, you ought to go
downstairs and tell her that.

Oh, no. I'm never talking to
Blair again unless she apologizes.

But she'll never do that.
Cindy, never say never.

Oh, by the way, I'll give you a
tip on, uh, how to be feminine.

Get rid of that
little white mustache.

You look like Colonel Sanders.

See you later.

Hello?

Man in the room.
Everybody decent?

- Yes. Hi, Mr. Bradley.
- Oh, hello, Blair.

How do I look? Oh, perfect.
Just button the top button.

There is no top button.

Put one on and button it.

What's this I hear about Cindy not running
for queen? Do you know anything about that?

Not really. We
had a little tiff. Ah.

Ah, Mrs. Garrett.
Mr. Bradley.

I'm going to have a
little talk with Cindy. Oh?

Yes, I'm fairly skilled
at this sort of thing.

Ah, it may sound silly, but in
college, I was know as the...

Sigmund Freud of Sigma Chi.

Oh! [Chuckling
] Not that silly.

Sorry. Thought
I'd have a little...

Man-to-man talk with Cindy.

No, not man-to-man. I mean,
man-to-girl... to-woman... Oh...

Relax, Mr. Bradley. She
worked it out all by herself.

Well, that's too bad. I mean,
that's not too bad, it's good.

But it's too bad I didn't talk to her.
I could have cleared everything up.

Oh, don't worry.
It's all cleared up now.

[Sniffs, Sighs] Well,
glad I could be of help.

Oh, yes. Thank you
very much, Mr. Bradley.

What do you think,
Mrs. Garrett?

[Whistle]
Wow.

Now, I know you might think
it's cut a bit low...

And the eye shadow a bit heavy,
but this is the look that's selling.

Oh, no, no, no. I think
it's just right for you, Blair.

After all, you're the expert
on tricks to attract men.

I guess so.

Oh, golly. I bet you could
have any man you wanted.

Yeah, probably.

And I bet you have.

Where'd you hear
something like that?

Oh, no. It's pretty obvious
you've been around.

No, I haven't been. I don't
do those kind of things.

Oh, come on. The way you get
yourself up. You're so sophisticated,

You smoke, and you
talk a good game.

That's just talk.
Honest.

Well, you know what they say: "If
you're advertising, you must be selling."

I'm not that kind of girl.

You can ask any guy
I've dated. I'm a tease.

A tease?
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

You sure could have fooled me.

You just can't jump to
conclusions about people that way.

That's right.

It's all just appearances,
isn't it, Blair?

And you're absolutely right
about jumping to conclusions.

I'm sure Cindy
would agree with ya.

- Cindy?
- It seems you jumped
to a conclusion about her.

But you've seen her, Mrs. Garrett.
She looks more like a boy than a girl.

Ah-ah! Appearances.

You mean, like what you
just thought about me. Hmm.

Okay, I shouldn't have made
that cr*ck about her being strange.

- That was the cr*ck.
- I didn't mean it, I... I just said it.

Mm-hmm.

I should apologize.
Mmm.

And one piece of advice:
the sooner, the better.

- You mean now?
- Now is definitely sooner.

I'll go get her.
I'll help ya.

Cindy!

Yes, Mrs. Garrett? Uh,
Cindy... [Clears Throat]

I'm the one
that wanted to see you.

Yeah?
What about?

Look, uh, I'm gonna do something
that I've never done before in my life,

And I'm not going to be
very good at it.

I apologize.
I-I was really rotten.

I guess someone who could
admit they're rotten really isn't.

Now, I want you to run
against me for Harvest Queen.

Because the truth is, you
could give me a real battle.

Now, how about it?

Woman against woman?

Well, since you put it that way.

[Door Opens]

- Hi, Mrs. Garrett.
- Hi, g*ng.

Hey, Arnold, I saw you at
the dance a couple of times.

You looked so happy, I figured
the girls must have left you alone.

Nah, he found himself a woman.

Who didn't pinch him or tickle him or
squeeze him. All she did was stuff him.

Yep, that's my girl.

She just waltzed me over
to the barbecued chicken,

And she discoed me over
to the banana cream pie.

And don't forget the tango
to the turkey tetrazzini.

Come on.

Well, Mrs. Garrett, you've had a little time
to think about it. Please, won't you come back?

Yes, I will.

Just as soon as they find a
decent replacement for me here.

In the meantime, I promise to send
you a care package once a week.

Mrs. Garrett.

[Gasps] Cindy. Oh, excuse me.

I forgot all about
the Harvest Queen.

I was busy. I had to leave
early and get all the stuff out.

Cindy... [Gasps] Oh, Cindy,

Did you win? No. It was
a clean sweep for Blair.

She won the crown...

And she also won Gregg Hockney.

Yes. Whoever said
it was lonely at the top...

Was looking up from the bottom.

Congratulations, dear.

Didn't Cindy tell you?
She was first runner-up:

Corn Maiden of the Harvest.

Oh, that's terrific, Cindy.

Yeah, it was really nice.

But something much more important
happened to me. What's that?

Well, there I was,

Just sitting there, staring at
Gregg Hockney. Mm-hmm.

And guess what?

Your time clock started.
Ticktock, ticktock.

Yeah, but much faster.

And the best thing of all
was, Gregg winked at me.

[Gasps]
He what?

♪ There's a place you gotta go ♪

♪ For learning all
you oughta know about ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ When your books
are what you're there about ♪

♪ But looks
are what you care about ♪

♪ The time is right
to learn the facts of life ♪

♪ When the world
never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ It's time
you started finding out ♪

♪ What everything
is all about ♪♪