01x07 - Dieting

[bunniefuu]

Here it is. Baryshnikov's
home number.

- How'd you get that?
- He lives in
my aunt's building.

I just love ballet dancers.

They have such
cute little bottoms.

It's ringing.

Hello, this is
Misha Baryshnikov.

Hi. It's me, Blair Warner.

I'm sorry, I not home now.
But when you hear beep,

please to leave name,
number and short message.

Have a nice day, okay?

His machine.

♪ There's a place you gotta go ♪

♪ For learning all you oughta
know about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When your books are
what you're there about ♪

♪ But looks are
what you care about ♪

♪ The time is right to
learn the facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪

♪ What everything is all about ♪

♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪

♪ I guess you best
investigate the facts of life ♪

♪ You gotta get 'em
right The facts of life ♪

♪♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

Do I hear groaning?

Nancy? What's the matter?

Someone come in here, quick!

Is it appendicitis?

No, everything's okay.
I'm just getting dressed.

Oh, of course. I
should've known that.

I just washed these
jeans so they'd shrink,

and now they fit perfectly.

I think you're asking too
much of that poor zipper.

No, I'm getting there.

I'm almost there. I did it.

Can you help me up?
I can't bend my legs.

Ready?

Oh, my poor back!

Oh. Uh, thank you.

Hey, when Roger sees
me in these, he'll go crazy.

It won't do him any good.

You're pretty safe in there.

Mrs. Garrett, have you seen
Sue Ann? No, Blair, I haven't.

Sue Ann, get your
fanny down here.

All right. What's going on?

I just got you a date...

for the Bates Academy dance.

Mr. Big... Scott Dunbar III.

Is that the guy who's
on the football team?

And the tennis team,
and the debating team...

You name it.

I know a guy like that back in Kansas
City at Harry Truman Junior High.

Please, Sue Ann. Scott's
in the social register,

not the Farmer's Almanac.

Scott's got it
all: looks, build,

old money, new money.

He'll call you this afternoon.

- He sounds heavy duty.
- Not any more heavy duty
than you, dear.

If I were you, I'd
lose some of that.

Every girl I've ever seen Scott with
looks like she's right out of Vogue.

Go ahead. Go ahead,
keep shoveling it in.

You know, you're in running for
"chubbette of the year" yourself, Blair.

We'll see who the porker
is. Let's get the scale.

Fine, if you're not
afraid of breaking it...

bacon butt.

Hey, what's for dinner tonight?

Mystery meat.

- Hi, girls.
- Hi.

How do you like my
new dress I bought?

Good, I knew you'd love it.

- Who wouldn't?
- Good for you, Mrs Garrett.

All right. Who wants
to get weighed?

What?

Sue Ann is seriously
considering going on a diet.

You mean, Blair is.

I'm on a diet.

Monday, it'll be 30 years.

All right, Sue
Ann. You're first.

Up, up, up, up, up.

Okay, Blair. I guess I
could lose a few pounds.

A few?

Kansas City beef
isn't that valuable.

Oh, what about those choice
New York cuts on you, Blair?

Any more dieters?

You know what the fashion
magazines say: Thin is in.

Not me. No magazine's
tellin' me how to look.

Tootie, are you gonna diet?

I thought I'd take
off a few pounds.

How about you, Nat? Are
you gonna try to be pencil thin?

Who wants to be a skinny pencil?

I'd rather be a
happy Magic Marker.

What's goin' on here? Oh,
yeah, the weigh-in. How's it goin'?

Oh, great, Mrs.
Garrett. Wanna hop on?

Hop on? Sure. Why not? Okay.

Oh, wait a minute here. There.

You better take that too. Yeah.

Wait a minute. Thank you.

Turn around.

Oh, no.

I had no idea.

Well, I had some idea.

Oh, that settles it.
I'm going on a diet.

That dress goes back.
But you love that dress.

I know it, but I
don't deserve it.

That's a size 14, and
that's too comfortable.

It's like givin' up. No, no, no.

I gotta try for size
12 one more time.

You girls have
really inspired me.

That's a terrific
attitude, Mrs. Garrett.

I can see you with
hollow cheeks already.

Come on, girls.

Help me turn that door of
the refrigerator to the wall!

- How about you, Nat?
- Nah.

We could fight flab together.

Toot, I'm a lover,
not a fighter.

- I'm okay the way I am.
- Okay.

Oh.

Oh.

Mrs. Garrett.

- Did Scott Dunbar call?
- Not that I know of, dear.

I see the problem.

Oh, well, yes, Roger.
I want that too, Roger.

I can't answer that
right now, Roger.

Could you hold on? Thanks.

Will you take a hike!

You don't own that
phone, you know.

Let me give it some
thought, Roger.

I'll call you back
later. Bye-bye.

I'll get you for this.

I'll answer it.

- Thrifty Market.
- Oh, more celery.

I can hardly wait.

- There's also
some apples and oranges.
- And muscles.

Oh, hiya, sexy.

At last, a man who
likes me for myself.

Hi, I'm Natalie, your
guide to the kitchen.

Well, I'm Steve.
Lead the way, babe.

Hi. Hi. Hi... Hi!

Forget it, Cindy. He's mine.

- Natalie.
- Yes, Mrs. Garrett?

Don't squeeze the merchandise.

- Oh, that might be for you.
- I know. Would you
mind getting it?

I don't want to seem anxious.

Sure, honey. Whoo!

Hello. Sue Weaver?

Well, I'll see if she's
here. Is it Scott?

Right. How does he sound?

Tall.

Sue Ann, don't blow it.

Hello, Scott? Yes,
Blair said you'd call.

I'm sure glad you're
using the telephone.

Yeah, I'm being funny.

She's blowin' it.

Uh-huh. Well, I'm looking
forward to meeting you too.

Oh, that's nice. Well, I'm
from Kansas City, Kansas.

No, I'm not being funny.

Well, okay. See
you Saturday then.

Uh-huh. Bye, Scott.

- Well?
- What a guy.

He's got a Harvard accent,
and he's still in high school.

You're a cr*ck-up, kiddo.

It's Natalie.

Let me show you
a shortcut, Steve.

Uh, Natalie?

That's the stairs to your room.

Thanks, Tootie. See you later.

Oh, I almost forgot.

This package of diet instant
breakfast... I guess it's yours, huh?

Why do you think that?

Uh, no special
reason. See ya, kiddo.

Like my dress for the dance?

Blair, listen.

Scott Dunbar just called.
Oh, he sounds so classy.

I just hope he's not
disappointed in me.

I'm sure he won't be.

Just remember to park
your tractor outside.

Blair, if you don't think
I'm good enough for him...

Hey, I'm just kidding. Park
your tractor anywhere you want.

Did Scott tell you about
the swimming party? No.

After the dance, we're
gonna sneak out...

to Tumpy and Kedgy
Barksdale's house...

for a midnight breakfast
and a swim. Swimming?

- Should I bring a suit?
- Mmm, not necessarily.

Bring a suit.

Both of you.

Mrs. Garrett? Mm-hmm?

I never ran with the
rich crowd before,

and if I'm going to be
wearing a bathing suit,

I'm really gonna have
to go on a crash diet.

Sue Ann, those crash diets
aren't healthy. You're a growing girl.

It's dangerous to
lose weight too fast.

Besides, Sue Ann,
you got a great figure.

Sure, it's okay for Kansas City,

but Scott Dunbar's used to those
slim, sophisticated debutantes...

with skinny little butts
like you see in Vogue.

Honey, those girls aren't real.

They only come out at night
to have their pictures taken.

Hey, how about it, Sue Ann?

Let's go in the kitchen and split
an apple, huh? Only 50 calories.

No, thanks. Hmm, all right.

Piece of celery for your
thoughts. Are you kidding?

I'm going on a starvation diet.

I'm gonna lose 10 pounds
by Saturday if it kills me.

I couldn't believe I
got an "A" on my test.

Tootie, pass the mystery meat.

Sue Ann, want some?

No, I'm eating later.

When, on Thanksgiving?

I haven't seen
you eat in a week.

That's right, and I've
already lost six pounds.

You're crazy, starving yourself
for some stupid guy you never met.

Sue Ann, why don't you go to that
weight-reducing place they advertise on TV?

"Hi there. I'm Yvette,

"your weight counselor at
the Astro Trim Health Spa.

"Are your friends talking about that
unsightly bulge behind your back...

"behind your back?

"When you get up
from a wooden chair,

"do you have to fluff it up?

"If your answer's 'yes, '

knock it off the
Astro Trim way."

I tried it. Doesn't work.

Oh, you're taking back
the dress you bought?

Right after lunch.

It's a size 14 and I won't be able to
respect myself until I can slip into a 12.

How was your lunch?
Oh, uh, terrific. I'm stuffed.

Good.

Well.

♪♪

Oh, once you get used to
the taste of a green pepper,

it can explode with flavor.

Did it explode yet?

Not a crackle, not a pop.

What's that wonderful smell?

Cinnamon buns. The
cook baked them today.

What a rotten thing to do.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Bradley.
- That is just a rumor.

Ooh!

Now, I understand that half the
food is coming back to the kitchen.

Everybody is on
some ridiculous diet.

Why do you think the cook
plans nutritional meals?

I don't know. Beats me. Ask her.

I'm going to have
to go on record.

This silly dieting
has got to stop.

Oh, I see the problem.
You're the leader. Huh?

Just what do you call
that thing you're eating?

I call it: my business.

It is also called: green
pepper on bed of lettuce.

In case you haven't noticed,

you're too big to be a bunny.

Mr. Bradley, what's
wrong with goin' on a diet...

as long as it's done sensibly?

Well, we'll just see if they are
dieting sensibly. We'll check this out.

We'll see what's goin'
down around here.

Good, Sue Ann. That's
showing good sense.

I thought you were
stuffed. Sue Ann.

Sue Ann, I found this picture of
Scott Dunbar in a tennis magazine.

Isn't he a knockout? Let's see.

- Oh, wow, he's...
- Oh!

Very funny.

Stop kidding.

Uh, Sue Ann?
What's wrong with her?

Sue Ann? Sue Ann?

Mrs. Garrett? Mrs Garrett!

Oh, Mr. Bradley, the doctor
said Sue Ann's gonna be all right...

and that there's
nothing serious.

You call a girl starving
herself for a week not serious?

I'm gonna go up there and really
rip into her! Oh, no, you're not.

I-I don't mean to challenge
your authority, but...

But you are. Now, I know
it takes a lot of moxie...

to stand up to an
authority figure like me.

I respect that. Thank you.

Sue Ann doesn't need
harsh words right now.

That's your opinion. This is my school, and
those are my stairs that you're blocking.

You are not going up
there and rip into Sue Ann!

Yet another challenge?

That's how I won your respect.

Mrs. Garret, challenge me
once, you win my respect.

Challenge me twice,
you lose your job.

Mrs. Garrett, Sue Ann still
won't eat anything. Oh, dear.

I'll handle it. Oh,
Mr. Bradley, please!

Don't go up there.
Not with that attitude!

Mrs. Garrett, if you
don't quit trying to

crowd me... Don't have
an attitude with her!

Feeling better, dear?

Fine, Mr. Bradley. Good.

About this stupid diet you're on...
What are you trying to do, k*ll yourself?

What is it with you women?
You're always dieting.

There's no harm in
having meat on your bones.

It's what's inside that
makes you attractive.

That's a lie, Mr. Bradley.

If that's true, how come you never see a
fatso in a panty hose or jeans commercial?

And you don't think of a girl
as a 10 if she weighs a ton.

Oh, Natalie, you're not
a number, you're a girl.

Oh, Mrs. Garrett, you
wouldn't tell me to go on a diet?

I certainly would
not. It's up to you.

Tell me what you see.

Look at what we have here.

Miss New York and Miss
"The Rest Of The Country."

Natalie, stop putting
yourself down.

You have a... great personality.

Right.

That's what they always
say about girls like me.

But how can I compete with
someone who's perfect like you?

Oh, Natalie, I'm
far from perfect.

I look awful in yellow.

Natalie, if you wanna
diet, do it for you,

not for them.

Thanks anyway.

You happy now?
You must be happy.

Does that make you happy?

Sue Ann, are you
gonna eat something!

- I guess I'm gonna have to.
- See? You have to know how
to handle 'em.

Now, get some
food into this girl.

Sue Ann, what would you
like? I'll make anything you want.

- Well, I'd...
- Wait a minute! Don't tell me.

I'll surprise ya. All right?

Good. You're really
gonna eat something?

Eat? No way. At least
not till after the dance.

Well, I'm heating up some
vegetable soup for Sue Ann,

and I know she
loves my rice pudding.

Forget it, Mrs. Garrett.
Sue Ann won't eat anything.

She'll eat my rice pudding.

It's all my fault.

I'm the one that got her
on that diet in the first place.

Then all that
pressure with Scott,

and Tumpy and Kedgy's swimming
party must have pushed her over the edge.

Don't blame yourself
for Tumpy and Kedgy.

You were being a good friend.

Look what I've
done to poor Natalie.

I hate the thought that...

That my perfection makes
her feel less than perfect.

- Hi.
- Steve?

Mrs. Garrett, I didn't
know you ordered anything.

- I didn't.
- Right.

You know, I feel kinda bad about that
mistake I made Monday. What mistake?

That package of diet instant
breakfast that I thought was for you?

Well, it was for
some other customer.

Here, I figured you'd
get a kick out of this.

The Memoirs of
Curly, Larry and Moe.

They're my favorites.
How'd you know?

Come on, Steve. I'll go get
you that diet breakfast stuff.

That oughta make you
feel less guilty about one girl.

Mrs. Garrett, who are
Curly, Larry and Moe?

Has Sue Ann eaten anything yet?

No, but I'm fixing
her my rice puddin'.

That's your trouble. You
don't use your imagination.

This is the answer.
Everybody loves Chinese food.

We'll start off with a little
chicken egg-drop soup.

Then when she's softened
up, moo goo gai pan.

Let me take it up to her.

One for Tumpy.

One for Kedgy.

And one for Tootie.

That's all I can
eat. I'm stuffed.

Well, what about
the moo goo gai pan?

- You can eat it.
- Aw, thanks.

- Hi, Sue Ann.
- Wow.

Mrs. Garrett, the dress.

You fit into a size 12 already?

No, honey. It's my 14.

I decided to keep it.

You mean, you're giving
up on losing weight?

Oh, no. I'll get into a 12,

but not in a mad rush.

All that dieting stuff
was driving me crazy.

- You helped me realize that.
- I did?

Oh, yeah. When we
were dieting together,

look what it did to you.

Come on out of there. Come on.

Look at yourself. In there.

You're a beautiful girl,

and you're ruining your
health, worrying your friends,

all because you want
to impress a boy...

who hasn't even seen you yet.

Yeah.

Well, I'm as bad as you.

I went bananas over
a silly, little dress size.

Isn't that ridiculous?

Well, I feel beautiful
about myself...

right now.

I'm a glorious 14.

And when I'm ready,
I'll be a glorious 12.

I've really been
dumb, haven't I?

Not dumb... bananas!

Oh, and by the way, have one.

It's only 75 calories,

and it's loaded with
vitamin "A," "B" and "C."

I do look pretty good.

You don't think I lost
too much weight, do you?

Oh!

Sue Ann. Sue Ann, this
whole thing's my fault,

and I've never felt so guilty.

So will you please
eat some of this?

It's your favorite...
Rice pudding.

Thanks. You don't
have to feel guilty, Blair.

You meant well, and
you're such a good friend.

Ooh, it... it smells
kinda funny.

Does it?

Sue Ann! Now we're even!

♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪

♪ I guess you best investigate ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪

♪ Gotta get 'em
right The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪

♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪

♪ You ♪♪