07x22 - The Final Frontier Part 2

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

WOMAN:
Previously, on Mad About You...

I blame my parents.

This nice man married
your daddy and me.

You guys know I'm not really
a minister, right?

All right, here's what we'll do.
Here's what we'll do.

We'll go down to city hall,
we'll get married,

we'll sign our regular thing,

and then bing-bam-boom,
problem solved.

Do you, Jamie...

Bwuchman...

take Paul Buchman...

to be your
lawful wedded husband?

I don't want
to get married.

You didn't so much get
that second vasectomy, did you?

Wh--

Because I am
remarkably pregnant.

So let me ask you this.

Are you gonna change your name
back to Stemple?

What do you mean?

Well, we're not
actually married.

No, sweetie, everything
stays exactly the same.

[BUZZER]
Oh, my God.

Go away.

The apartment
is not for rent.

MAN: Huh?
Who's that?

SYLVIA:
It's your parents.

BURT:
Burt and Sylvia Buchman.

Yes. Sorry.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, thanks.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
What has it been, years now?

Seven beautiful years.

That's not nothing.

Let me ask you something.

If we had just
been together

for the last years,

but we weren't
actually married,

that would still be
"not nothing," right?

No, that would be nothing.

Really?

Yeah, you'd be
like Cousin Elliott

and what's her name.
What is her name?

Exactly. If they
were married, we'd all know.

Until you make it official,
you're just playing house.

You've gotta make a statement.
You gotta stand up

in front of the whole world
and say, "I love this girl!"

then there's a record of it
in city hall all typed up

nice and everything. Otherwise,
you're just kidding around.

I smell a diaper.

Oh, gimme.

No, no, no.
We'll do it.

Come on, Burt.

You got
a little thing there.

Oh, thank you,
sweetie.

Come on. Come on.

Don't even
say it.

What?

[BUZZER]

They're your parents.
We're us.

We, don't forget,
are very hip.

We don't need city hall.

We don't need a piece
of paper. We're us.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi. I understand
your apartment is for rent.

Oh, you know, sadly
that is a misprint.

Oh!

[SADLY]
Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, is this
your wife?

Uh...no, not really.

Oh, all right.

Sweetie? I found it.

Last one in the city,
but I found it.

One big seat,
one little seat.

Two kids, one carriage.
One big happy family.

[CRYING]

Shh.

It happens.

These things happen,
sweetie.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no.
It's not your fault.

You did everything right.

It just wasn't meant to be.

Turns out I wanted it.

Me, too.

And so, I'm an only child.

So, the manager
blames it on my feet.

Yeah, that's the problem.

The shoes that
you made are fine.

My feet that God made
are clearly defective.

Fran--
I don't understand.

You can send a monkey
to Pluto.

You can't make
a high-heeled sandal

that doesn't
lacerate my calf.

Fran?
I'm sorry. What?

He left me.

What?

Paul. He left me.

Oh, my God. What happened?
When did this happen?

Last night, but I think it's
been on its way for a long time.

Why?

Well...

What did he say?

He said I'm unkind.

What does that mean?

He said I've changed
and that maybe this way

will be better
for both of us.

He's an idiot,
your husband!

Maybe he's right.
I mean, I have changed.

How could I not?
I was when we met.

We used to be very kind
to each other,

but then there's a kid, and
I'm always worried about her,

and there's just not
as much time to be kind.

Who has that kind of time?

And then she grows up,
and there you are.

It's just the two of you,

and nobody even remembers
how to be nice,

so am I less nice?

Sure.

Am I unkind?
Okay. Fine.

You...are an idiot.

Well, isn't that nice.

I'm sorry. You think
I like to say this?

Wh...

It hurts me to say this,

but I'm not gonna b*at
around the bush.

You, my friend,
you are a phenomenal idiot.

You know, Mark,
if I'm not mistaken,

you left Fran
once upon a time.

Yeah, I did.
You're right.

I was young!

What do you mean?

Look at you.
You're old!

I'm not old. I am--

No, you're young.

That's why social security
starts for you in hours,

because you're so young!

I mean, we always fought,

but when the fights
were over, we were closer.

By the end,
it wasn't even fighting.

It was just criticism
and complaining

and poking and prodding.

Okay.

All I know is

I can't always
be wrong, you know?

Some of what I do
must be right.

Who cares?

Who cares? Who cares
who's right or wrong?

Who's got the strength
to keep track?

You just stay married
and shut up.

Why?

Why?

Because it's better.

Listen, you know, nobody
believed that more than me.

Oh, I know, I know.

But we were miserable.

Do you understand that? Jamie
and I, we were both miserable.

So who are you
not to be miserable?

No. At a certain point,
you have to say,

"Okay, who is this for?"

I mean,
who's winning here?

Nobody.

But you love Jamie.

Of course. Very much.

So?

So I'll be the bad guy.

So I'll-- Let me
be the one who says,

"You know what? Why don't we
just let each other live?"

Till death
do you part.

That's what
is says-- Death--

Not a lack
of kindness.

The vows
are very specific.

In other words,
you don't leave.

That's the one thing
you don't do.

You think I haven't felt good
and fed up plenty of times?

Believe me, I have,
many, many times.

But I didn't leave,
did I?

No.
No, I stayed.

Right.

He left.

Good times.

Here's something.

Our dog Murray d*ed
when I was ,

so naturally my parents told me
about it when I was .

Okay, I've had it
with you two!

Uh-oh.
Now what?

If one human year
equals seven dog years,

that would make Murray .

So?
So...

You lied.
That isn't Murray.

Um...

[SIGHS] Listen, Mabel--
Sonya...

Sweetie, some
very special dogs--

Save it, Ma.
Murray d*ed, didn't he?

And you got another dog

who looked just
like Murray, didn't you?

I mean, who does
such a thing?

[BOTH STUTTERING]

Thereafter, my parents promised
they'd be straight with me.

Sweetheart?

Last night...

your grandfather...

unexpectedly
and in his sleep...

moved to Florida.

Paulie, keep up
with the hearse.

Ma, you're grieving
or you're driving.

Oh, very nice. Chew
my head off, I'm a widow.

Sorry. You're right.

You know, sometimes
in the silence,

I can feel his presence.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[RING]

Couldn't be sorrier.

Hello.

I guess it's true
what they say.

Life goes on.

No, no. No, absolutely not.
Absolutely not!

No, no, no.
Absolutely not!

What?

Hold on.
It's the tenant board.

They say we can
have the apartment,

but now they want
key money.

Key money?
What is that?

It's a bribe, basically.

Honestly, must you
do this now?

I'm sorry, Ma. It's just
that we have a chance

to get the apartment
across the hall from us,

but only if we do it today.
What, the Scottish people?

English people.

Right.
Yeah.

So what? Pay them
the key money.

Really?

Yes. Sure.
The wall can come down,

and you'll finally
have a room for Mabel.

What are you waiting for?

Yes. Tell them yes.

Okay. Done. We'll get you
the check.

Thank you.

So it's ours?

It's ours.

Okay. All right,
this is a good day.

It really is.

Can you imagine?
Cecilia wore chiffon.

You're right. Very
inappropriate for a funeral.

It's not that,
it's her figure.

There's gotta be
a better fabric.

Oh! I didn't get
potato salad-- just coleslaw.

Ma, people
love coleslaw.

Aunt Syl, you want me
to go get it?

No.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

And that's why they
call it intercourse.

Sexual intercourse.

I'm saying.

Sweetheart, do you
understand any of this?

I'm on the pill.

Okay, so then
you know.

MABEL:
That was the moment

my father decided
I was growing up too fast,

and so began
our Sunday morning

"buy the newspaper,
buy some bagels,

get an Italian ice,

and make fun of perfectly
innocent people

in the street" ritual.

My mother and I
also had our rituals.

No!

I'm saying yes!

No!
Yes!

No!

Yes.

No!

Yes!

MABEL:
My therapist said

that the reason I clash
with my mother so much

is that we're so very alike.

No!

That statement alone

upped me from two sessions
to three sessions a week.

My grandfather used to say,

"Out of pain
beauty does come."

He also used to say,

"Plant one right here,
tiger puss,"

you know, so some things

were more resonant
than others.

And what I did was
I took my pain,

poured it into my work,
and I waited for beauty.

WOMAN:
Hey, Bob.

BOB:
Hey. What have
you got there, a Kn*fe?

[MAN GASPS]
[THUNK]

MAN:
She's stabbing Bob!

BOB:
Unh, I'm bleeding a lot.

[WARNER BROS.
CARTOON MUSIC PLAYS]

Well,
who wants pie?

Yeah, that
sounds good.

That's a great idea.
We'll see you there.

All right, Paulie.
Okay.

Want to get
some pie?

I don't think so.

Okay. Well...

It was good
to see you.

You, too.

Think you and me
were supposed to be Bob?

Oh, let's say no.

Ha.
Ha. Okay.

How's the apartment?

Good.

Did you ever think
we'd be these people?

No, I did not.

I just want to say
if I did, um...

change in some way
that made you feel--

No, hey, no, no,
no, no, no.

You don't
have to do that.

That's okay.

Okay.

But I do think it's better
this way... Don't you think?

I do.

I do, too.

Okay, so you take
care of yourself.

You, too.

Okay.

Okay.

Did you
just kiss me?

No.

I didn't think so.

Buy me some pie?

Yes, please.

MABEL:
And he bought her pie,

and he took her home,
and he never left.

Yes, it was not
my best film.

I see that now.

But it was what I would call
a hugely successful screening.

To me, there is no
greater act of courage

than being the one
who kisses first.

And bearing that
in mind...

I ask all of you
who are not my mother

to turn around
for a second.

Mom, I love you.

Okay, everybody,
you can turn back around.

[SIGHS]

I said at the beginning
that I blame my parents...

and I do.

I blame them
for making me crazy.

I blame them
for being so difficult.

But most of all...

I blame them for making it
impossible for me

to dismiss the idea

that love
can actually work out.

Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here today--

Ahem-- Actually, we are
gathered here almost tomorrow.

Sorry again
about the late hour.

Yeah, it's just we want to keep
the same anniversary, so...

Happy to be here.
Flattered to be asked.

Although, we are moving right
along here on midnight,

so, uh, I should
just kind of...

Please, by all means,
by all means.

Paul, do you take Jamie
to be your wife,

to have and to hold,
to love and to cherish,

till death do you part?

I do.

Jamie, do you take Paul
to be your husband,

to have and to hold,
to love and to cherish,

till death do you part?

I do.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Well, you know,
the last time we talked--

I understand.
Okay.

Well, uh,
you got the rings,

and the, uh, witness
is asleep in the crib.

Dog's lost interest, so I guess
we can move right along.

By the power
vested in me,

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

And we got
seconds left,

so you can kiss each other
squarely on the mouth.

Ha.

Okay.
Okay.

Well, I'm out of here.

Okay, there you go.
We're all signed up.

Here's your certificate
right there.

I'm gonna leave you
my card

in case you ever want
to get ahold of me.

I am a certified
public accountant

and also
a notary public

and I can fix a boat.

Well...

Well.

We are married.

Yes, we are.

All official, typed up,
nice and everything.

Yep.

I got to say it feels, uh...
it feels...

what am I trying to say?
It feels...

Exactly the same?

Very much, yes.

Did we rush him
too much?

I don't know.
Maybe we did.

'Cause there were actually
a couple of things

I would have said if he'd
given us a minute or .

Really? Me, too.
Really?

Yeah. Well, I know you
pretty good now.

I would have been
a little more specific.

What would you
have said?

I would have said,
"I love you."

That's not so specific.

No, but...

I really love you.

Oh.

And I would have said...

I know life is a big,
dangerous thing,

and it's stronger and smarter
and sneakier than us,

but here's what I got.

I will always love you.

Don't ever doubt that
no matter what.

So that's what
I would have said.

What would you
have said?

I would have said...

I would have said there are
millions of things I want,

but only one thing
I really need.

And if you ever
decided to leave me,

I would go and find you
and bring you home

'cause you'd be wrong.

See, now that's a wedding.

Yeah.

How do you like
being married so far?

I like it very much.

You hungry?
Not really.

Okay.

Come here.

Thank you for
a wonderful engagement.

It has been my pleasure.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

♪ You turn around ♪

♪ Then you ask me
Behind tears of doubt ♪

♪ "Just what do
I see in you?" ♪

♪ Please don't cry ♪

♪ I know sometimes
It seems we barely get by ♪

♪ But you don't see ♪

♪ How much you do ♪

♪ Oh, to get me through ♪

♪ When the world is cold ♪

♪ And I need
A friend to hold ♪

♪ You give me love ♪

♪ You give me love, baby ♪

♪ And when my hope is gone ♪

♪ And I feel
I can't go on ♪

♪ You pick me up ♪

♪ You give me love
You give me love ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah
Oh, baby ♪

♪ I apologize ♪

♪ If I never told you
What you are in my eyes ♪

♪ Oh, baby
Let me tell you now ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ Looks sweeter knowing You'll be there in every way ♪

♪ Now how can you say
That's not enough ♪

♪ 'Cause when
The world is cold ♪

♪ And I need a friend to hold ♪

♪ You give me love
You give me love, baby ♪

♪ And when my hope is gone ♪

♪ And I feel I can't go on ♪

♪ You pick me up ♪

♪ You give me love ♪

♪ You give me everything
My heart desires ♪

♪ Morning sun
And midnight fires ♪

♪ Someone there
To share my dream ♪

♪ With you
I have everything ♪

♪ When the world is cold ♪

♪ And I need
A friend to hold ♪

♪ You give me love ♪

♪ You give me love, baby ♪

♪ And when my hope is gone ♪

♪ And I feel
I can't go on ♪

♪ You pick me up ♪

♪ You give me love ♪

♪ Yeah, when my world
Is cold ♪

♪ And I need
A friend to hold me ♪

♪ You give me love ♪

♪ You give me love, baby ♪

♪ And when my hope is gone ♪

♪ And I feel
I can't go on ♪

♪ You pick me up ♪

♪ You give me love ♪

♪ Yeah, when my world is cold ♪

♪ And I need
A friend to hold me ♪

♪ You give me love
You give me love, baby ♪

So in case you're interested,

here's what happened
to everybody.

Ira and Marianne ended up
with eight children--

one from every continent
and two from New Jersey.

Mark and Fran invited

an adventuresome Swedish
couple into their marriage,

and they've
never been happier.

My grandma moved
to Boca Raton, Florida,

but it didn't take.

So then she moved into
my parents' building,

but two floors down
so as not to intrude.

Aunt Lisa
is exactly the same.

Me...I'm fine.

And these two, if you'll
pardon the expression,

lived happily ever after.