02x12 - Fast Eddie Winslow

[bunniefuu]

Here you go, sweetie.

A purple tree?

Yeah. I like to use
different colors.

Good idea.

Mom, how come some people are black
and some are white and some are brown?

Well, honey...

I guess God likes to
use different colors too.

Hello, honeys. How you doing?

Oh, the tennis lady.

Are you playing
Alice Grayson again?

No, she's not good enough.

- Janet Lathrop?
- Not good enough.

- Mildred Peabody?
- She's nowhere near good enough.

Hello, Estelle. Ready
to hit the tennis courts?

Just let me grab my racquet.

Uh, stay right there.
I'll bring it to you.

Is he good enough?

Honey, he's a terrible player...

but, uh, he's good enough.

Oh, get out of here.

Have a great time.

- Hey, sweetie.
- Hi, Carl.

Mwah.

- How was your day?
- Oh, great.

I had a stakeout at Donut World.

And how was your day?

Well, fine, until Judy's
teacher called me at work.

Who, Mrs. Fuzzlip?

Carl, it's Mrs. "Fezlik."

Bad enough the
kids call her Fuzzlip.

But, Harriette, you've seen her.

If ever there was a lip
begging for electrolysis...

I'm sorry. So, what
did, uh, Fuzzlip want?

Well, it seems that Judy has
not been doing her book reports.

She's heading
for a D in English.

A D? Where is she?

Upstairs.

Now, Carl, Carl, Carl.

I want you to bring up
the subject delicately.

You're right, sweetheart.

Judy, why didn't you tell us
you're getting flunked by Fuzzlip?

Hit you back. What's
that? EDDIE: No, no, no.

Watch the right.

Eddie, I can't believe you b*at
me 19 games of pool in a row.

Actually, it was 20.

But who's counting?

Let's see, Rodney, 20 games
at a buck each, you owe me...

Twenty dollars.

But who's counting?

- You lucked out this time.
- Ha, ha.

But next time, I'm
gonna whip you.

Rodney, why don't you try to get
your oars near the water, buddy?

When it comes to pool,
you couldn't sink the Titanic.

- Can I hurt him?
- Not in the house.

Steve, come on outside. I
wanna show you something.

Uh-uh.

- Hi.
- Snookums.

Oh, bye.

Oh, wait, Laura. I need
your advice on something.

I'm thinking about
switching to bikini briefs.

You're right. I'll just stick
with my trusty old boxers.

Hey, what's up, dudes?

Don't you just love it when
the big guy tries to act hip?

Hey, Dad, I just finished
playing pool with Rodney.

I wiped the floor with him.

- All right. Like father, like son, heh.
- Ha, ha. Yeah.

You played pool?

Did I play pool?

Son, down at the
Corner Pocket...

they used to call me
"Rack and Roll Winslow."

Hmm, well, they
call me "Fast Eddie."

And I just took
Rodney for 20 big ones.

Son, I don't want you gambling.

Trust me, Carl, with
Rodney, it's not gambling.

- Right, Eddo?
- Right.

Ah!

Hey, guys, we're too
young to be in here.

That is, without our wives.

Look, Urkel, just
keep your mouth shut.

Oh, these lips are zipped.

Ooh-wee, These fellas sure
know how to use that wooden stick.

Yeah. You play?

Well, I played for
a spell back home.

- Where's that?
- Bullwater, Texas.

- Bullwater?
- Yup. Tiny place.

If you lay down, your
feet are in another town.

Oh, stop, stop. Another one like
that and I'll probably wet my boxers.

You wanna play a game?

Why, sure, that'd be
right neighborly of you.

Ever play for money?

Oh, gosh, no.

There's a first time for
everything. What do you say?

Well, shucks, why not?

Name's Boyd Higgins,
but my friends call me Buck.

Name's Eddie Winslow,
but my friends call me...

Eddie.

I'm Rodney, my friends
call me Rodmeister.

And I'm Steve Urkel
and I don't get many calls.

- Rack them, Steve.
- Racking.

Let's make it eight-ball,
5 bucks a game.

Okle-dokle.

Bust them up.

It's fine!

Eight ball, side pocket.

Yeah! Ha, ha. EDDIE: Ha, ha.

That's five games in a row.

Let's flash some cash.

Uh, how about we raise
the stakes, 25 bucks a game?

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

Eddie, don't you
think it's kind of odd...

that a guy who just lost
five games in a row...

suddenly wants
to raise the stakes?

Steve, he just wants
to get his money back.

Could be, or the hoodwinkee
has become the hoodwinker.

That Texas boy is handing
you a line of Bullwater.

Go home.

- But, Eddo...
- Go home, Steve.

I will not stand here
and take that from you.

I'm going home.

Let's do it.

This little biddy pocket here.

- Yeah!
- Oh, God.

Well, cousin, I'm up 10 games.

Looks like you owe me $250.

Time to settle up.

Now?

No, let's wait till my birthday.

Eddie, I don't think
this guy's from Texas.

Hey, you're a quick
study, Rodmeister.

Yeah, and I want the bread now.

You see, when I
play it's cash or carry.

Give me the cash
or get carried out.

Look, uh, I'm
temporarily tapped out...

so how's about if I just bring
you the money tomorrow?

Okay.

Just one thing. Chuckie.

Eddie Winslow.

"263 Pinehurst, 555-6278.

Father, Carl. Mother, Harriette.

Younger sister, Judy, on
her way to a D in English."

So, Winslow, you got a choice.

Show up with the
money tomorrow...

or stay home for a month
and watch your body heal.

Rodney, where am I
gonna find $239 quick?

Two hundred and
forty, 260, 280, 300.

So, Steve, baby.
Ha-ha-ha. What's going on?

Oh, I'm on my way
to buy a telescope.

- A telescope?
- Sometimes I forget who I'm talking to.

A telescope is a long tube that
lets me look at things real far away.

And a fist is a
bunch of fingers...

that lets me knock
an Urkel real far away.

Uh, so, Steve, could
you lend me $239?

Now, why in Sam Hill should I?

Eddie lost at playing pool
to that guy from Bullwater.

If he doesn't show up at the
Corner Pocket with a fistful of cash...

he'll get his face pounded.

Aha.

So you got hustled,
taken, fleeced, conned...

Okay, Steve, that's enough.

I seem to remember a
high-pitched nasal voice of reason...

trying to warn you of
your impending folly.

But did you heed
my advice? No, sir.

- Forget it, Steve.
- No, wait.

I'll loan you the money.

Hey, thanks.

On two conditions.

One: I go to the
pool hall with you.

No sweat.

And two: You have to be my
very best buddy for a week.

- How about a day?
- Dead men don't bargain.

A week it is, pal.

Uh, Steve?

- Where are you going?
- To the Corner Pocket.

Uh, your shift starts
in five minutes.

Oh, but if I don't go, some guy's
gonna tap dance on Eddie's face.

Excuse me?

Uh, you probably weren't
supposed to know that...

so amnesia's the word, okay?

What?

Good.

- How's the book?
- Boring. Look how big and thick it is.

"Swiss Family Robinson."

Who wants to read about cheese?

Yeah, I can see where
that could be a problem.

Some reading is boring.

I read a book once where
this family got shipwrecked...

and stranded on
a deserted island.

Well, that's not
boring, that's neat.

And then they built this
great big tree house...

Wow, what book is that?

This one.

- But you're not interested.
- Mom.

Hey, heh, how's
the reading going?

I got a feeling
it's coming along.

Winslow, you showed
up. Where's the bread?

Right here. Two hundred
and fifty bucks, Buck. Ha, ha.

Or you can play me
double or nothing.

Steve, give him the money.

Sure, if he's chicken.

What?

I said, if you're chicken.

Ooh!

- Eight-ball.
- Okay.

- One game.
- You're on.

Five hundred dollars.

Bad breath.

Rack them.

Steve, what are you doing?

Hey, fear not, Big E.

I play a plethora of pool
when I have time to myself...

which, for some
reason, is quite often.

I'll break.

May we both rise to the
challenge that awaits us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Missed by a cat's hair.

Hearty good try, though.

You see, pool is
a game of angles.

One must cue at an
angle to the object ball...

so that it travels in the same
angle to the impact point.

Now, let's see.

An 82-degree angle
intersected by a 42-degree vector.

Let's see. Cue ball velocity.

Jupiter's in retrograde.

Harvest moon.

- sh**t!
- sh**ting.

- Yeah.
- All right, bring it on, Mama.

The rogue's on the
run and I've got the g*n.

- All right.
- Nice sh*t, my man.

Whoa!

Sorry.

Ah, yes, I'm perfectly
set up to run the table.

Man, those are one major pair of
glasses. You mind if I, uh, check them out?

Oh, why, help yourself.

I was considering contacts but my
eyeballs won't support the weight.

Sorry.

Oops.

Hey, now, that was no accident.

Yeah, leave the kid alone.

Sure. Your sh*t.

But, Eddie, I can't see a thing.

Tough break.
You forfeit. Pay up.

Hey, no can do. You
didn't play fairsies.

You want I take him out
and give a tour of the alley?

Please.

Oh, really, I'd love to,
guys, but I forgot my camera.

Hey, let him go.

Hey, you guys, come on, be
gentle. Come on, guys. Hey, come on.

Can't we, like, talk this over?

Hey, what a lousy tour.
I want my money back.

Put him down.

- Carl?
- Yes, it's me, Steve.

Big guy.

Wait. I smell Polident.

- Hi, Estelle.
- Hello, Steve.

Dad. How did you
know we were here?

Uh, Steve told your Aunt Rachel.

So, uh, what's going on?

Boyd whipped Eddie. Eddie
borrowed money from me.

I'm playing Boyd double or
nothing. I was kicking butt.

Boyd broke my glasses, 500 on
the line. Can't see a darn thing.

Nice summary. Ahem.

Well, it looks like I'm gonna
have to fill in for Steve.

Uh, no way. It's not fair.

Well, it seems to me that if
I look around hard enough...

I could find a few laws
being broken around here.

So you have a choice.

You can either let me fill in...

or you can go to Cook
County Jail. What'll it be?

You got stripes.

Thanks. Oh, yes, and if I
win, nobody owes nobody.

Yeah!

- Hurt them, big guy.
- Yeah.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Heh, that next
sh*t's impossible.

There's no way
you can make that.

You're right...
but, uh, she will.

Do your stuff, Mama.

Excuse me.

Hey, it's a free country.
I can stand where I want.

Suit yourself.

I think I'll move now.

Corner pocket.

- Yeah!
- Mama!

- Estelle, my belle.
- I'm over here.

Oh, man.

Dad, if you and Grandma
hadn't shown up...

I'd probably be flossing
felt out of my teeth right now.

Ha, ha, you should never
have been in that predicament.

Didn't I tell you not to gamble?

Yeah, but I honestly thought
I could b*at that guy, Dad.

Now, see, there you go.

Son, when it comes to gambling,
there's no such thing as a sure thing.

That's why they
call it gambling.

Well, my pool-playing
days are over.

I'm taking an early retirement.

Well, now, you see, you
don't have to do that, Edward.

You're good at the game.

Hey, you just shouldn't
play for money.

Remember, no matter how good you
are, there's always somebody better.

Except when it comes to
dads. You're the champ.

Oh, thanks.

Look out now.

Dad, do you know what
the worst part of this mess is?

To get the money from
Steve, I had to promise him...

that I'd be his best
buddy for a whole week.

Ouch.

Hmm, maybe I'll luck out and
he'll forget about the whole thing.

There's my best
buddy for a week.

I have our plans all mapped out.

Now... Monday, 5
a.m. Planetarium.

6 a.m. Bug Museum.

7 a.m. Cheese Factory.
- Ha-ha-ha.