02x05 - Emily in for Carol

[bunniefuu]

- [ Rings]
- Hello?

They explained it to you
at the agency...

that the receptionistjob
is just temporary?

No, they told me it would be
for three whole weeks.

Maybe we should find out
a little more...

about your prior
job experience.

Let's see. My most medical job
was with the Cut-Cost Pharmacy.

I typed up all the little labels
on the bottles.

It was very hard.

[Clears Throat]

Well, thank you very much,
Miss Brennan, for coming in.

- Oh, well, thank you, gentlemen.
- We were very impressed.

- Bye.
- You'll be hearing from us.

The worst.

- I didn't think she was that bad.
- Bob, are you kidding?

She didn't even know
what a urologist does.

And, Bernie, I felt your explanation
was in bad taste.

Well, what do you think?

That bad, huh?

Joan Rossi's the last one.
I'll send her in.

- Phil, are you gonna eat that coleslaw?
- Yeah.

I wish you wouldn't.
I'm gonna clean your teeth later.

Doctors.

Joan Rossi, this is Dr. Hartley,
Drs. Newman, Tupperman and Robinson.

- How do you do?
- Hello.

Well, Miss Rossi,
won't you sit down?

If you don't mind,
I'd like the door left open.

All right.

Why don't you tell us
a little about yourself...

and some of
the office things you do.

Well, I, uh, don't work
evenings or weekends.

I don't go on any personal errands.
Oh, yes!

And I don't go on
any medical conventions.

And I would like to add
in advance...

just so there are
no misunderstandings...

I'm divorced.

That's- That's fine with us.

Yeah, I'm sure it is.
[Chuckles]

Whenever men find out that I'm divorced,
they always get certain ideas...

if you know what I mean.

L-I don't have
any more questions...

unless there's anything you'd like to add
to- to what you don't do.

No, that's about it.

Well, we have
your phone number.

Oh, I don't give out
my phone number.

Then- Then how do
we get in touch with you?

I'll check back with you
on Monday.

Well, to tell you the truth, we've, uh, already
kind of half decided on somebody else.

Oh? Somebody
a lot more fun, huh?

Well, I'm sure there are
plenty of those around.

I'll check back with you anyway,
just in case you're interested...

in somebody who reads
and writes Latin.

Carol.

Well, how was she?

Carol, we have a new worst.

Look, when you're getting
someonejust to fill in...

you do not get the créme de la créme
of the crop.

All right.
I'll look around.

I never realized how tough it would be
to replace Carol.

Really?

You never said that
when I asked for a raise.

On the other hand,
some of those girls weren't half bad.

No, that's true.
That's true.

I mean, still,
she is leaving on Monday...

and we've gotta have
somebody to replace her.

- I don't understand the problem.
- [ Phone Ringing]

All we need to do is find someone
who's fairly intelligent-

- Hello?
- someone who looks presentable...

and knows something about
an office like ours.

- Yeah, Emily?
- Right! Somebody like Emily.

- But not Emily.
- No. Why not, Bob?

Because it just won't work out.
No- No, honey.

Th-That'll work out fine.

I'll see you at the house at : .
Right. Good-bye.

Emily's a great idea. You said she'sjust
hanging around the house till school starts.

It sounds all right to me, Bob.

Listen, if we're
discussing wives...

I want you guys to realize
just one thing:

Tippy is a touch typist.

Bernie, it's the lab.
They can't find Mr. Sherman.

Why not? I sent him down
with the other bottles.

Don't make any decisions
till I get back.

Bob, now you've
got to ask Emily.

I just can't take three weeks
ofTippy Tupperman.

No, I couldn't either, Bob,
She's far too organized.

You remember that party she had-
how she spent the whole night...

running around telling everybody
where to stand?

Well, I must admit,
Tippy is not one of my favorite people.

- That voice of hers.
- Right.

Three weeks of her would be like
living inside a trumpet.

- Maybe I'll ask Emily.
- Remember that voice, Bob.

-L-l will ask Emily.
- [ Laughs] Terrific.

Listen, I've got some
very important surgery at : -

a back-to-school nosejob-
so, uh-

But listen, ifTippy
is winning out, let me know.

I'll stick on a temporary.
I'll be right back.

Phil, don't worry about a thing.
Tippy's not gonna win.

I'm gonna be here
backing Bob up %.

- Okay, where were we? - We werejust saying
how Emily could take over for Carol.

- Or Tippy could take over.
- Well, Emily's name came up first.

- So what?
- Look, now, it's between Emily...

and, uh, Ti DP)'-

So,whileyou guys, uh-

You just work it out.

- Hi, Emily.
- Honey, I'm in the kitchen.

Something smells good.
What are we having?

Varnish. I finally got around
to refinishing the cabinets.

- Oh, boy, am I glad to see you.
- You are?

Yeah, I need you
to scratch my nose.

No. Uh-uh.
L-Lower. Oh.

Ooh, to the left.
Left and then lower. Lower, lower.

Oh, and up, up, up
to the right. Right.

- Honey, there isn't that much nose.
- [ Moaning]

Oh! Oh, oh, right there!
Oh! Oh, Bob!

Honey, your foot isn't
gonna start thumping, is it?

[Laughing]

Then there's the other reason
I'm glad to see you.

What's, uh-
What's all the food out for?

Our apartment smells of varnish,
so Howard invited us over for potluck.

- What's he providing, the luck?
- [ Laughs ] That and the toothpicks.

- Oh, uh, your name came up at the office today.
- Oh?

Yeah, I never realized how much the guys
thought of you down there.

Oh, that's nice.

You know, uh, Carol goes
on her vacation Monday.

Yeah, that's nice too.

- And we're having a hard time finding another girl.
- Oh.

Been interviewing girls all week,
and they'vejust been awful.

And I've- I've always said I never wanted
you to work at the office with me.

Bob, I'm not going to work
at the office with you.

- Well, you're gonna have to.
- Why, Bob?

- [Knocks]
- I'll tell you later.

- Dinner's served. Where is it?
- Right here.

Hey, that's great.
You got everything?

- Well, I think so.
- How about the toothpicks?

[Phone Rings]

Hello? Oh, hi, Bernie.
It's Bernie Tupperman.

- I don't know any Bernie Tupperman.
- It's for Bob.

Oh, it's for you, Bob.

Hello? Oh, hi, Bernie.

Y-Yeah, Bernie,
do we have a bad connection?

I hear a loud screeching sound.

Oh, hi. TiPPy-

Yeah, I-l didn't know
you were on the extension.

L-I know you're
a touch typist, yeah.

Bernie, I can't hear
both of you.

Bernie, don't you get off.

Bye WW') -

Yeah, she's very excited
about it, Bernie.

Bernie, did Tippy get back
on- on the extension?

just an ambulance going by.

I sure will. Bye. Bye.
Yeah, he's excited that you're excited.

Bob, I'm not excited,
and I'm not gonna do it.

Why don't I just
take this over to my place...

and you two can get back
to your fight?

- We're not fighting, Howard.
- Yes, we are, Bob.

Howard, Bob wants me to fill in
for Carol for a few weeks at the office.

Oh, well, that sounds
like a good idea.

- Howard.
- Sorry, Bob.

That's a bad idea.
That's what caused my divorce.

My wife was a stewardess on myjet, and everybody
used to come on with her all the time.

The skies were
a little too friendly.

One day I went back to check on her,
and we got in a long, long argument...

and I overshot Australia.

- This isn't the same thing, Howard.
- Yeah, maybe you're right.

Oh, will you bring along the forks?
I only have one fork.

Emily, I don't wanna
put this on the basis...

that you'd be helping me,
which you would a lot...

but it'd be great to spend some time together
before you go back to school.

Well, I'd sure like that.

And- And you know
those great lunches I-l have...

- and you get mad 'cause I come
home and I'm not hungry? - Mm-hmm.

Now we- we both could come home
together a-and not be hungry.

Or- Or we could go
out to dinner.

And don't forget
Carol's paycheck.

I mean,you could buy
anything you wanted.

- Bob, are you bribing me?
- I guess I am.

[Laughs ] Well, keep on,
because I think it's working.

- We could drive to work.
- Uh-huh.

We'd stop for breakfast
on the way to the office.

Now, you see, Emily,
you drop in your bag of coffee-

[Together]
And you push the button.

- Carol, you showed me that.
- Oh.

You showed me everything,
twice, except the coffee.

- You showed me that three times.
- What about the phone?

Let me see ifl've got it now.
When it rings...

I pick it up,
and I speak into it.

Emily, when you've been taught
by the master, you never forget.

- Well, Carol, this is it!
-jer!

I know it. I can't believe it.
In two hours...

I'm gonna be taking off
for Roma, your Eternal City.

- Here's a little “presente”for you.
- OhhhJerry!

- Oh, how thoughtful. A fountain pen.
- Uh-huh.

See, that just looks
like a fountain pen.

Actually, inside here
is a tear gas cartridge.

- Tear gas?
- Yeah.

If some guy over there
starts fooling around with you...

you just aim this at his face
and press this clip here.

Why would I wanna do that?

Thanks,jer. Listen, we gotta get going.
I'm gonna miss my plane.

- Okay. I'll helpyou get a cab.
- Thanks.

I hate to leave without saying good-bye
to Bob, but he's with a patient.

Oh, I'm sure he'd
wanna be interrupted.

- No- No, Em-
- Bob, could you come out a minute?

- It's important.
- [Pounding]

That's good, Mrs. Manning.
just keep hitting the pillow.

- Bob, the reason I-
- Carol, one of the first things...

you should've told Emily is never
interrupt me when I'm in a session.

- I have a woman hitting a pillow in there.
- But this is different.

Carol's leaving.
I knew you'd wanna say good-bye.

Oh. Oh, uh, sure.

Well, uh,just-
just have a great time.

Thank you, Bob.
I'll miss ya.

Oh!

- You should see how good he hugs
when you're not around. - Oh.

- Good-bye, Bob. Good-bye, Emily.
- Good-bye, sweetheart.

- Have a wonderful trip.
- I will. And don't do too good.

- We all set now?
- Yeah.

- Okeydoke. You're gonna send me a
lot of postcards from Rome? - Sure.

- You have my home address?
- No, I don't thinkl do.

- Ah.
- I better get that down.

Excuse us, please.
Excuse us.

- What is it?
- Twenty-three- Not with that pen!

[Hissing]

Dr. Hartley, I really feel
good about this session.

But- But, please-
Please, I insist.

Let me pay for the pillow, huh?

No, the pillow's on me, but I will have
to charge you for the hole in the couch.

Oh, that's fine.

That- That'll make me
feel good.

I want you to feel good,
Mrs. Manning.

Oh, boy! Those feathers
really flew, didn't they, Dr. Hartley?

Well, I, uh,
guess you're on your own.

Yep, I guess I am.

Everything, uh,
squared away?

Well, I think so.

Carol showed you how
to use the phone and everything?

- We're gonna find out, aren't we?
- You'll do just great.

Bob, there is one thing
you could do for me.

- What?
- Would you chase me around the desk?

Oh, you are such a cute boss,
[Chuckling]

Uh-huh. I figured
you'd pick somebody like that.

[Coughs]

Dr. Hartley, I don't think
I'm ever gonna get over her.

Go ahead, Mr. Carlin.
It might help to talk about it.

It seems like I was just getting to know her,
and then suddenly she was gone.

I meamjudywas so loving,
so beautiful.

She was perfect,
except for that one thing-

She had to chase cars.

- She- She never came back?
- Nah.

You tried the pound?

Every day. I think that's
the thing that started all this-

this feeling that I'm being abandoned,
that everybodys leaving me.

- [ Phone Ringing]
- Probablyyour imagination.

It's not my imagination that my fiancé
moved to Cincinnati.

- Now my mother's going to Europe for
two weeks... - [ Ringing Continues]

And even the Cubs
are out of town.

[Ringing Continues

I just get this feeling that everybody's
walking out of my life.

Excuse me, Mr. Carlin.

Well- Yes-
Yes, Mrs. Kogan.

- He'll meet you there.
- Emily, put her on hold.

Good-bye. Dr. Cunningham,
Mrs. Kogan'll meet you there.

Fine. No. Good-bye.

Well, Bob.
Now, what is it?

It was that phone ringing.
Couldn't you have told him...

you'd get back to him in a minute
and put the first call on hold?

No, not when the first call is having
labor pains every O seconds...

and the second call is from her doctor,
because that was his private line.

- Oh.
- Bob, why don't you just relax?

I've been here a whole day and a half,
and I haven't made one mistake.

I know, but you've-
you've come so close.

- You haven't mailed these yet.
- The mail doesn't go out till : .

I thought we could mail them
when we went to lunch.

I made a reservation for us
at the Crystal Room.

That's kind of expensive.

Do you remember all those wonderful
lunches you promised me?

- The Crystal Room is fine.
- Oh, good.

Bob, you can help settle
an argument here.

Who got more career home runs-
DiMaggio or Mize? You ready for lunch?

No. I'm sorry. Emily and I are going
to the Crystal Room. And DiMaggio.

Oh. Crystal Room.
Very nice.

We better hurry.
I made a : reservation.

All right. Let's make sure
we've done everything.

- Do you have the letters?
- Mm-hmm.

Did you call the service
and tell them to pick up any calls?

- Right.
- Uh, the lab work for Tupperman.

They're sending a messenger.

- I hope I haven't forgotten anything.
- [ Muttering]

Bob says DiMaggio.
That's five bucks you owe me.

If you don't mind,
I would like to get a second opinion.

Hello? Hello?

Anybody home?

[Elevator Bell Dings]

I knew I forgot something.
I had to put money in the meter.

Uh-huh.

Well, here it is,
just like we left it.

The little elves
didn't come and clean it up.

- No, they certainly didn't.
- lbetter c/earawa y the breakfast zfishes.

just clear away enough space
for me to put the bucket down.

You didn't finish all
your orangejuice this morning.

I didn't have time.
I have to be at the office at : .

I never realized how easy you have it.
You don't have to be there till : .

Since you started working, I've been
right there along with you at ...

which gives me an hour
and a half to hang up my coat.

Bob, I stayed an extra two hours tonight
because you had group...

so it all evens itself out.

Oh, Bob, I forgot to tell you. Mrs. Bremmer
called and canceled for tomorrow.

Great. Now I got two and a half
hours to hang up my coat.

- Why are you telling me now?
- I thought you'd wanna know.

Emily, if I wasn't married
to the receptionist...

I wouldn't have found that out
until tomorrow morning...

and I'd be feeling
much better right now.

Look, Bob, we're both tired,
so let's just eat our chicken and go to bed.

Let's just go to bed.

- [Knocking]
- Come in.

Bob, Emily.

- Hey, where have you guys been?
- At work.

I've been waiting for you
to get home to give you your new key.

- What new key, Howard?
- This key.

They're changing the locks
tomorrow morning.

- What for?
- Oh, that's right!

You guys haven't been around,
haven't heard about the shake-up.

- We got a new manager in the building.
- What happened to Mr. Snider?

Mr. Snider? He got canned. They said
his security system didn't work.

Isn't he the one who put
the closed-circuit camera in the lobby?

- It was stolen. That's why they fired him.
- Uh-huh.

Snider was looking
at the monitor, see...

and one minute, this big hand
comes over the screen...

and the next minute, nothing.

- Whata shame.
- Wait till you meet the guy.

He's a retired army officer.
His name is Colonel Lumiey.

He's really a neat guy.
He really knows what he's doing.

Anyway, I gotta get going.

Oh, uh, one thing- When you see his
Doberman pinscher, don't show any fear.

He- He senses fear.

And try not to look afraid.
He may try to tearyou to pieces.

That- That makes me
feel real safe, Howard.

Look, don't try to crush the buckets for him.
He likes his garbage nice and neat.

I was wrong about you guys. You've been
working together for a week now...

- and seem to be thriving on it.
- Yeah, if anything, it's brought us much closer.

Yeah. That's really beautiful.

I'll seeya.

[Fierce Barking]

Mind if I stay here?
The colonel's still making his rounds.

[Knocking]

Bob, do you have a minute?

Not really. I'm- I'm working
on this important report.

U m, o-okay.

Oh, well, actually,
this will take less than a minute.

It's about Phil Newman, Bob.

I don't mind bringing him
coffee I O times a day.

I don't mind taking care
of his personal bills.

But this morning, he asked me to pick up
his laundry down on Lake Street.

- Isn't that ridiculous?
- It sure is 'cause they ruin your shirts there.

There's a much better one
on South Street.

I don't thinkyou understand.
I don't want to pick up his laundry at all.

- Okay.
- I think it's an unreasonable request.

- Tell him that.
- Oh.

Okay, honey, I will.
Thank you.

- You're welcome, Emily.
- [ Door Closes]

[Knocking]

[Sighs]
Come in.

Jerry, I'm very busy.
What is it?

Bob, I've got to talk to you about the way
Emily's been answering my phone calls.

Why don't you talk to Emily?

I figured maybe, you know,
you could talk to her.

- All right. What is it?
- Emily is a terrible liar.

Well, okay, I don't mean
she's a terrible liar.

I mean, she lies terribly.

I mean, she won't lie
for me at all, Bob.

- You've been asking her to lie?
- Well, it's not lying.

It's more like covering up.
I'm juggling two girls at once.

Emily knows both of them,
and I think she prefers Rosemary.

So yesterday, she let it slip
to Irene on the phone...

that I was having lunch
with Rosemary.

- I think she did it on purpose.
- Well, I prefer Rosemary too.

[Knocking]

It's sure getting busy in here.
Come in.

Bob, can I talk
to you for a minute?

- What's your complaint about Emily?
- I don't have any.

- I think she's doing a terrificjob.
- Good.

It's Phil who's complaining
about her.

Do you know what shejust told him
he could do with his laundry?

I think so.
Bernie, what are you doing here?

Is Phil afraid to come in
and talk to me?

No, he's not afraid to talk to you.
He's afraid he might hit you.

All right. That's it.
Out. Everybody out.

Uh, Emily, could you
come in a minute?

[Emily On Intercom] In a minute, Bob.
I'm cleaning the coffeepot.

That's another thing, Bob.
The coffee tastes soapy.

- Ohjerry, Rosemary's on hold.
- Didn't you tell her I'm out of town?

- You tell her.
- Oh, boy.

Emily, uh, sit down.

We, uh-Wejust think
you're doing a fantasticjob...

and we've never had
such efficiency.

Uh, you look great.
You answer the phones beautifully.

You're f*ring me,
aren't you, Bob?

I was hoping to ease
into that, yeah.

Well, let me make it easier for you, because
on the way home tonight, I was gonna quit.

- Emily, you-you can't quit.
- No, Bob, I really want to.

I mean, it's not working out
for me either.

I'm losing respect forjerry,
I'm fed up with Phil...

and, frankly, I'm not
that crazy about you lately.

Bob, really, I wanna quit.

- But, Emily, you can't quit.
- Why not?

Because if you quit,
you don't get severance pay.

Oh.

So, uh, Emily, you're fired.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

Uh, one more thing.

Get me Tippy Tupperman
on the phone.

Here's a picture of France.
Here's Espafia.

Here's Germany.

Boy, these aerial photos
really cover a lot of ground.

Well, Bob, we didn't land
till we got to Italy.

- How did you like Italy?
- Oh, it was fantastic!

Everything
the travel folders say.

What about the things
the travel folders don't say?

What about amore?

That too.

Listen, I met this really
great-looking guy.

Sort of this, uh,
Mastroianni type.

I left him crying
at the airport.

- Thinkyou'll ever see him again?
- I doubt it.

I had to blast him
with my fountain pen.

[ Mews]