Cameras are on this s & l guy.
He's sweating so hard
He's sticking
to his naugahyde chair.
He's making squeaky sounds
That say,
"I'm guilty, I'm guilty."
Ooh, wet naugahyde--
I love that sound.
Then I move in
for the k*ll.
We zoom in
Look him straight
in the eye...
(Sighing)
Miles, I know
this isn't
As exciting
as your story
About seeing karen valentine
at the cleaners
But stick with us here.
I'm sorry, murphy.
It's a nice story.
Really. Continue.
A little trouble
on the home front, miles?
Aw, you had a fight
with audrey, didn't you?
I want you to call her
right now and say
"I know
I've been stupid
"But I'm a man
And that's
just the way we are."
I'm not sure
if it will work
But just once
I'd like to hear
one of you say it.
Corky, I didn't have
a fight with audrey.
It's just that...
I don't know.
Maybe I'm being
a little oversensitive
But doesn't it seem like,
more and more
The news really sucks?
Ah!
I think I know
what the problem is.
Miles is showing
all the symptoms
Of third year burnout.
What?
You do a few
depressing stories
And suddenly,
without any warning
You switch off the news
And watch reruns
of green acres.
It's just a phase.
You'll shake it off
in no time.
How do you
shake this off?
These are some
of the stories
We've been covering:
There's murphy's
savings and loan scandal
The w*r in the gulf
The crack epidemic,
the aids epidemic
Urban poverty, urban v*olence
Child abuse,
parent abuse,
grandparent abuse
Hate crimes against blacks,
gays, jews, arabs, vietnamese
Skin cancer, colon cancer,
prostate cancer
And to top it off,
a scientist who says
If we get any more lead
in our water
We'll be spitting up
Ball bearings.
Way to bring down
a room, miles.
You see?
It's impossible not
to feel miserable.
It's one horrible story
after another.
That's why we
should do a segment
That makes people feel good.
Oh, great, miles.
"Welcome to f.y.i.
The news show that's
like a big, warm hug."
To make the world
a better place
We have to stay tough
and report the news honestly.
Am I right, guys?
I'm not sure,
murphy.
I'm a serious journalist,
but I'm becoming cynical.
It's creeping
into my work.
I came down
much too hard
On orville redenbacher.
Murphy, I'm as much
A hard news guy
as anybody
But would it k*ll us
To do
an inspirational story?
I'd be willing
to dust off
My old reporter's hat
and find one myself.
You're not in on this, too,
are you, frank?
I don't know, murph.
It's exhausting
Being this tough,
macho guy all the time.
Maybe if I did
some sensitive stories
I wouldn't get clubbed
on the head as often.
Once you hit your s
The skull doesn't bounce back
like it used to.
What am I
working with here
The von trapp family?
Murphy, you're overruled.
We'll do a story
That reminds people
of the good things--
Something that reaffirms
their faith in the human spirit.
If you guys have time
To look for
a heartwarming story
Be my guests.
I have some real reporting
to do.
Well, look who it is--
Murphy"tales from
the dark side"brown.
Haven't seen
much of you
The past couple days.
How's your savings
and loan story coming?
I'd tell you about it
But it involves bad men
doing nasty things
And I know that upsets you.
Go ahead, be sarcastic.
Nothing you can say
will ruin my day.
See? I'm in
such a good mood
I'm unconsciously rhyming.
Why? Because I'm
meeting with my crack team
To discuss
the heartwarming stories
They've uncovered.
And here's
two of them now.
Over here, guys.
How many stories
do you have today?
Half a dozen,
at least.
Did you hear that?
We hardly know
where to start.
They "hardly know
where to start."
Let's hear those tidings
of comfort and joy.
How about this?
A man leaves a briefcase
Containing his life savings
in a cab.
Good.
The next
passenger
Thomas seeley,
finds the briefcase.
Despite the fact
that seeley's bank
Has foreclosed on his mortgage
He takes the briefcase
to its owner.
Incredible.
A man on the brink
of financial ruin
Resists temptation
and does the right thing.
I'll bet the guy
who owned the briefcase
Was surprised
when seeley showed up.
Yes, he was.
Especially when mr. Seeley
Pulled a u-haul
into the driveway
And emptied
the man's house
Of everything,
including a ukulele
That had enormous
sentimental value.
What a story!
The recession drives
an average man
Into a life of crime.
We should do this, miles.
We have enough
sad stories.
Jim, that's not
what we're looking for.
What about a young man
Despondent over
the uselessness of his life
Volunteers to dress like santa
and collect money for the poor.
That's more like it.
When he hits $ ,
he buys himself
The biggest mother television
he's ever seen.
"When santa goes bad."
Do you have
that guy's phone number?
This isn't working.
Maybe you'd like to hear
about captain andy
The saturday morning
tv star.
He runs a prostitution ring.
Guys, I don't think
you understand the assignment.
Of course we understand
the assignment.
We've followed up
lead after lead.
The closest we got
was a dentist who works free
On people without insurance.
What's wrong?
When they're under anesthesia
He dresses them
in women's underwear
And takes pictures.
Miles:
look, it's corky!
A woman who's so happy she's
almost a disney character!
If anybody could find
An inspirational story,
it's you.
Have you done it?
Yes, and when
you hear my story
You'll look at corky sherwood
a little differently.
Go ahead.
Come on.
It's the story of a young,
frightened executive
Who exposed corruption
in the oil industry.
Yes! With only seconds
to spare
The corkster scores!
Bravo!
Phil, lunch
for this woman.
Anything she wants.
Congratulations.
What are we celebrating?
A young oil executive
named paul dexter.
It's an amazing story.
Sure is.
The guy reports
illegal price gouging
And the next thing he knows
He's pumping gas
in point barrow, alaska.
What do you say
we start off
With a nice bottle
of dom perignon?
Corky, did you ever hear
of verifying your sources?
Not really.
Oh, this is great.
So, you want
to order now?
I've got
a nice filet mignon.
I'm not
very hungry, phil.
What about
the rest of you?
I can't eat.
I've lost
my appetite.
I'll need all the energy
I can get
For these stories.
I'll have a turkey club.
Oh, boy! Another $ . .
Now I can finally take phyllis
on that cruise.
Look at you guys--
The best team
in broadcast journalism
And you can't find
One, itsy-bitsy,
little, happy story.
What an embarrassment.
Oh, and you could do it?
Blindfolded.
Phil, I'll take
that sandwich to go.
Why don't you guys
Put your heads down
and take a nap?
When auntie murphy
returns with your happy story
I want those frowns
turned upside down.
Believable! Un
If I told somebody,
they'd never believe it.
If I saw this in a film,
I'd never believe it.
This was
the worst afternoon
Of my life.
You know how I broke
this shoe, eldin?
I was interviewing
a young musician
Who provides free music
for the poor.
It was going well
Until he dropped his pants
and flashed a tour bus.
I returned to my car.
My purse was stolen.
I just put it down for a minute
Just to wipe off the raw egg
thrown on my windshield--
Not that it mattered.
After I chased
the purse snatcher ten blocks
I came back to my car.
It was stolen, eldin!
Why are you
just lying there?!
Oh, is it my turn to talk now?
I can't move.
I have excruciating
lower-back pain.
It's from stress.
You want to talk about stress?
I'll tell you about stress.
Help. Help.
I spent the afternoon
Looking for one lousy
little heartwarming story
And came up empty.
There's got to be
a happy story out there.
I just have to focus...
Focus...
On you.
Of course.
You're a happy story.
Yeah, right-- I'm happy.
Help me up, and I'll sing
a few numbers from oklahoma.
No, really.
A struggling artist
gets over $ million
For his painting,
and his life is transformed.
It's a great story.
I'm reporting it.
Look at me.
I'm a broken man.
Ever since I sold that painting
I can't eat or sleep.
I haven't had a creative thought
in weeks.
Yesterday I went
to the paint store.
I ordered three buckets
of beige.
I heard myself saying
to a guy when I left
"Hey, working hard,
or hardly working?"
God! I'm becoming a cliché.
Well, that's just great.
I mocked my friends.
I ridiculed them.
If I don't nail this story
I can never mock
and ridicule them again.
I can't live like that.
I've got to go
back out there again.
There's no other way around it.
I've got to find
One good person
who did one good thing...
Or die trying.
Have a nice day.
Oh, god!
Somebody sh**t me.
Murphy:
thank you so much for
coming down, mr. Gunzenhauser.
Your work with troubled
adolescents is inspiring.
We need teachers
like you.
That's what I said
when they suspended me.
Excuse me?
The charges were
completely bogus.
That girl said
she was .
Besides,
I never even touched her.
Well, I did, but just a little.
How soon do you think
we can get on the air?
Tell me, mrs. Beale
What made you
use your pension money
To start
a bird sanctuary?
Birds are a vital
and beautiful part
Or our ecological system
And there are so many things
we can learn from them.
For instance,
yesterday little petey told me
To warn all earthlings
to prepare for an attack
Of the intergalactic
star command.
Didn't you?
Isn't that right, petey?
Oh, I think
he likes you.
It's not that I don't
love the lepers, ms. Brown.
It's just I see them every day.
What I really want to talk about
Are my hopes
for a singing career.
I will be able to sing
on the show, won't i?
(Boldly:)
♪♪ hey, big spender ♪♪
♪♪ Spend ♪♪
♪♪ A little time with me. ♪♪
Out.
I would have started
With "climb every mountain"
But it seemed like
an obvious choice.
Going down.
♪♪ Climb every mountain ♪♪
♪♪ Ford... ♪♪
In the
presidential election
Walter mondale lost every state
but his native minnesota.
It was, without a doubt
The most devastating
public humiliation
I'd ever witnessed
Until this moment.
Okay, I admit it.
I looked for
a heartwarming story
And I was wrong.
Maybe you want to put on
party hats and celebrate.
I'm not in the mood.
Oh, excuse me,
ms. Brown.
I'm richard cooper.
I'm sorry I'm late.
One of the homeless
families we feed
Got an apartment.
My wife and I were
helping them move in.
What do I look like--
a moron?
Pardon?
Helping a homeless family.
Let me wipe away the tears.
You probably own
the rat-infested slum
They're moving into.
Is she always like this
when people are late?
What's this?
A collection
of "thank you" letters?
Check it out.
It's the oldest trick
in the book.
He pays some guy
To sign a letter
he didn't even write.
People like you
really turn my stomach.
Frank:
murph...
Here's a letter
from barbara bush.
And one from jack kemp,
and jesse jackson...
Let me see that.
What
a sweet photo
Of you and that
elderly woman.
She looks
familiar.
There's an inscription--
"Dear richard
"And people say
I'm a saint.
God bless you,
mother teresa."
Ms. Brown, obviously
I've offended
you in some way
So I think I'll take
my book and leave.
Oh, whoa!
Wait, richard.
We were just testing you.
Journalists do that.
And you passed!
(Everyone agreeing)
I came here because
some publicity
Might make
fund-raising easier
But it's
not worth it
If I have to spend
any more time with her.
But richard,
it's over,
A little summer shower
That's left everything
clean and nice.
Sit. Relax.
Murphy, get the man
a cup of coffee.
Coming right up!
She's even
getting you a donut.
Donut? Yes--
nice and fresh.
Afterwards,
we'll go to my office,
I have a photo of me
with edward r. Murrow.
You can have it.
Have you ever driven
a ' corvette?
We can take it
for a little spin, huh?
Now you're meeting
the real us--
Loving, sensitive,
caring people.
Would you come
onto our show?
I don't know.
Has she ever hit a guest?
Define "hit."
Well...
What do you
mean, "hit"?
Richard...
I...
I really apologize.
We've been through a lot lately
looking for somebody like you.
It would mean so much
if you'd come on the show
And give our audience some hope
When they so desperately
need it.
Will you do it?
Please?
Well...
All right.
At f.y.i.
E
Find ourselves concentrating
on the darker aspects of life.
But tonight, murphy brown
reminds us of the brighter side
Bringing us a story of love,
compassion and selflessness.
Thank you, jim.
For the last six years
Richard cooper
and his wife cindy
Have devoted themselves
to feeding the homeless--
An enormous job that you
should be very proud of.
Oh, yeah.
I'm just busting my buttons.
How did you
and cindy decide
To devote so much of your time
to helping others?
Well, cindy and i,
my wife of ten years
Had the same goal--
To make the world
a better place.
Little did I know
what a slut the woman was.
What a lying, conniving
little tramp!
Maybe we won't talk
about cindy anymore.
Maybe we'll just talk
about the good things
That you've done--
feeding people who have no...
She left me two hours ago.
She ran off with the cook
from the shelter.
That's a hell of a break
But no point in dwelling
on the past.
Let's go back
to the happy part of your story.
You've been very successful
raising funds
For your shelter.
How did you do that?
My wife cindy had a real gift
for sweet-talking people.
Oh, yeah. She used to meet
with these businessmen
Come back with huge donations.
I could never figure out
how she did it.
Now I know.
Murphy:
what's important is to focus
On the good
you've done.
To make
one person's life better
Is an achievement,
and you've helped
So many.
I can name at least two now.
My lovely wife cindy
And her big, fat stud--
jack curley
Who are probably on their way
to the bahamas right now!
Murphy:
we've taken up enough
of your valuable time.
I'm sure
you want to get back
To the wonderful work you do.
People are scum, you know that?
Scum!
People like
richard cooper...
What is the point...
...struggle to make
the world...
...of living?
...a better
place.
How could she do this?
I hope the plane crashes,
you bitch!
(Whispering:)
jim? Jim, take it.
Jim, please snap out of it.
Oh... Uh...
Thank you, murphy
For that fascinating
and informative...
Oh, the hell with it.
Good night.
And we're out.
I'm going to phil's.
I may not come back.
I cursed on the air.
In years,
I've never done that.
Maybe I should quit.
Oh, come on, everyone.
Let's not get down
on ourselves.
We tried to say
something positive
And we should feel
good about that.
Excuse me, everyone.
I want to apologize
for blowing up.
It's a little late for that,
you little whiner!
All we wanted
was one nice story
But you had to come here..!
Corky! Corky!
It's okay,
richard.
After what just happened
We can understand
how you reacted.
It's just so unlike me.
I'd better get
to the shelter.
We'll have to do
some fast improvising
If we want to make it
through breakfast tomorrow.
You're going back?
After everything
that's happened?
There are a lot of people
depending on me.
Well, so long
And I'm sorry I
let you all down.
Wow! Did you
hear that?
The guy's
going back.
Incredible.
I say we take our cameras
down to his shelter
And get the story
we've been looking for.
I think
that's a wonderful idea.
You know, I'm feeling
a little better already.
Let's go to phil's and put
this crazy week behind us.
Miles should treat.
Thank you, miles.
My pleasure.
Hey, murph, you coming?
Miles:
murphy?
Don't do this.
You're the one
we always depend on.
The one who never caves.
Don't do this.
The world's a horrible place.
Richard cooper probably
just got hit by a bus.
I'll bet it dragged him
three blocks
Because the driver wouldn't
make an unscheduled stop!
And no trip to the hospital--
he doesn't have exact change.
I'm on very thin ice
And if one more
bad thing happens
I'm going to fall
right through.
Murphy, an officer mccallan's
outside.
He wanted you to know
they found your car.
They did?
It's in here. Sorry.
Murphy, it's going
to be all right.
We can get
through this.
I'm going to get this guy.
I'm going to find him.
You can't--
it's impossible.
No, it isn't.
I'm going to find him
and attach this gear knob to him
And then I'm going to shift him
until he begs for mercy!
Oh, geez,
she's all right.
Can we just go
to phil's?
Then I'm going to finish
my savings and loan story.
You know how they say
there's a fistful of peanuts
In every snickers bar?
Well, whose fist
are they talking about?
A child's fist
or a grown-up fist?
I'm going to check on that.
Frank:
she's ba-ack.