..
Miles, all I'm saying is
Don't ever call at :
in the morning again.
I was having this great dream
where I was locked in a mattress
warehouse with Julia Roberts.
Then you called.
When I got back to sleep
Julia was wearing a black lace teddy
but she had your head.
You are so selfish, Frank.
At least, when I called Jim,
he had the decency to
listen to my problem.
No, I didn't,
you little twit.
Halfway through
your babbling,
I put the phone
under the bed.
That sympathetic
breathing you heard
was my dog, Trickster.
Incredible.
I'm having a personal,
major life crisis
and my friends don't care.
Can you believe this, Corky?
Do I have lipstick on my teeth?
Oh, come on!
I'm in pain here.
I've been under a lot
of pressure lately, okay?
For the past several months,
my girlfriend, Audrey, has been
dropping little hints about
us moving in together.
Then last week
she lost her job
at the British Embassy.
Which means she doesn't
have any money coming in.
Which means
she can't pay her rent.
Which means
she'll lose her apartment.
Which means the
train is moving
And I feel like a
cow on the tracks.
Hello, Murphy.
Don't even try to say hello.
No time.
When a story like this
lands in your lap
Small talk and salutations
just have to wait.
Good morning, Murphy.
I need a few moments
of your time.
But first, I want to thank you
for blowing a whistle into the phone
when I called last night.
Miles, the pleasure was all mine.
But now, check this out.
One of my sources
just gave me a tip
linking three members
of congress to an IRS scandal.
Diane Sawyer's already onto this story
so I have to move fast.
I need someone to get me
a contact sheet on the IRS.
Do a lot of digging in
the congressional record.
I need a good secretary, Miles.
Get me one.
Murphy, you know
as well as I do
Personnel can't legally
assign you anyone
until your last secretary's
case goes to trial.
What I wanted to talk to about was ...
Knock, knock.
Hello, Miles.
Hello, Murphy.
Audrey, what are
you doing here?
One of my job
interviews cancelled.
I was feeling kind of down.
So I thought I'd stop by
And get some sunshine
from my Pookie.
Hey, hey,
Don't you worry.
You'll find something.
You're a terrific secretary.
Just terrific.
Murphy?
I don't know if I told you
But Audrey lost her job.
Her secretarial job.
And isn't it funny.
Just moments ago you were
saying you needed a secretary.
Yes, I was.
What a shame you established
that clear, but firm rule prohibiting
the hiring of family and friends.
so sweet of you to try
to bend the rules for me
but it's not necessary.
I'm very much in the
running for the job of
hostess at the International
House of Pancakes.
Yeah, Murphy,
great nights at the IHOP
They loved my accent.
They thought it emphasized
the international part of the name.
Of course, it's down near the bus station
and I would have to wear a hair net.
Oh, Murphy.
The bus station.
A hair net.
Failing that,
There's an opening at
the nuclear power plant.
The head of personnel
seemed very nice.
Odd, though.
He had no eyebrows.
Okay. Okay.
Audrey, I'm up against a major deadline
and I don't have an assistant.
Since you're available,
What do you say?
Oh, my goodness.
Are you offering me a job?
What a great idea, Murphy.
Thank you, Murphy.
Thank you so much.
I can start right now.
I'll just go out there and familiarize
myself with your office set up.
I'm proficient with all
the major computer programs.
I speak French and German fluently.
I can get by in Japanese.
And when the tension
gets to be too much
I know all the key
acupressure points.
Miles:
People.
People, may I have
your attention, please.
People.
Quiet everyone!
Miles wants to
say something.
Go ahead, sweetie.
Thank you, Audrey.
Just wanted to remind everyone
that the legal department
has put together
an overview of the
Supreme Court ruling on libel.
It affects all of us, so
please be sure to
take a look at it.
Any questions?
Yes.
How did your tie
get all crooked?
Can't take you
anywhere, Pookie.
There.
Murphy.
Make it quick, Miles.
I made a bet with
Diane Sawyer
that I'd break
this story before she does.
If I lose, I have to clean
the grout around her tub.
I want you to fire Audrey.
What?
Miles, she's the best
secretary I ever had.
Not since Sarah Lee invented
double chocolate cheese cake,
has another woman given
me so much pleasure.
No way.
You have to.
You have to.
Please help me, Murphy.
She's everywhere.
I can't breathe.
I come into the office
and there are little post-it
love notes all over my door.
I'm losing my effectiveness
as an authority figure.
I used to be the boss.
The head honcho.
The big cheese.
Now I'm just another
bathroom hummer.
I told you, Miles.
I told you not to
mix business with personal
and you wouldn't listen.
So now, you have to pay.
As all must pay,
who do not heed
the word of Brown. Ha!
Oh, Miles?
Are we going shopping
together tonight?
Oh, gee Audrey, I don't know.
Because Weidman's
is having a sale
on those all-cotton briefs
you like so much.
You know the ones
with the comfort panel.
Hey, look at the time.
Got to go.
Well, wait a minute.
What's this?
It looks like a key chain.
An empty key chain,
waiting for that
one special key.
Oh, gee Audrey.
Gee.
I think it's time
we considered living together.
Now that you've found
me this wonderful job
I won't be a financial burden.
And I can come to you as
a whole and
complete woman.
It's the right time, Miles.
Don't you think?
I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
What?
Nothing.
I didn't mean that.
Yes, I did.
Oh, God, Audrey.
Can we talk
about this later?
Like when we're old and wise
and capable of forgiving?
I don't want to
talk about it later.
I want to talk about it
right here, right now.
Audrey, I'm suffocating.
We don't spend
any time apart.
I'm not ready for
a serious relationship.
And you deserve somebody
who can give you more.
If you'll excuse me
I think I need a little air.
I'm sorry, Audrey.
And Audrey?
Maybe we could keep
this between us?
I don't think the whole office
needs to know we're breaking up.
Oh. Okay.
But I will tell you one thing,
Mr. Silverberg!
You are making the
biggest mistake of your life
by leaving me!
And believe me,
you'll regret it!
Maybe not today
And maybe not tomorrow
But soon, and for
the rest of your life.
(crying)
Hi, Audrey.
How's it going?
Hey.
Oh, I suppose you'll hear
the news soon enough.
Miles and I are
no longer together.
You and Miles?
You're kidding.
Oh, I knew it couldn't last, really.
Ours was a passion that burned
too bright and too hot to survive.
Well, you know,
Sometimes that happens.
Too hot.
Too bright.
Too bad.
He told me I was
suffocating him.
In the beginning,
He liked the intensity.
Now, suddenly
I'm a dry cleaning bag.
Oh, I feel like
such a fool.
Oh, no.
No, don't, don't.
Really it's ...
It's good to cry.
I cried once.
But Kim Bassinger still
wouldn't go out with me.
That's going to
make me laugh, Frank.
I was just about to
feel good and sorry for myself.
How is it you know
Just the right thing to say?
I do?
Here you go, Audrey.
Another cup of Earl Grey.
You don't want
to dehydrate.
Frank, can I talk to you
over here for a second?
What is it?
It's private.
Can't it wait?
I'll pay you $ .
All right.
Excuse me just a second.
What is it, Phil?
Can't you see
I'm trying to help Audrey
feel a little better here?
I want you to
listen to me, Frank.
There's nothing as deadly
as the boss' freshly dumped
and highly vulnerable ex-girlfriend.
You're trolling in
dangerous waters, Frank.
And I suggest you take your
fishing pole to another pond.
That's ridiculous, Phil.
I'm just having
an innocent conversation.
That's all it is.
Now, just relax.
I'm sorry about that.
Now, where were we?
I'm thinking about Miles.
Did I say something?
Did I do something?
Now don't blame yourself.
You are a very warm
and caring person, Audrey.
You know, I once said to Miles
that I was jealous
because I'd never met
a woman like you.
You said that?
I did.
And I'm not just telling you that
now to make you feel better.
It's true.
They're towing your car, Frank.
I didn't bring my car.
I walked here.
Oh, what a relief.
I really should get
back to the office.
I don't know how I'm
going to face people.
Face Miles.
Go home.
Most of the day is over already.
I'm sure Murphy wouldn't
want you to work after what happened.
If you really don't think she'll mind
I could still catch the early bus.
Well, wait a minute.
You're not taking the bus.
Not the way you're feeling.
Look, my car is parked in the garage
right across the street.
Let me give you a ride home.
I insist.
Frank, that's very nice of you.
I'll get my coat.
Hey, Murph.
How's it going?
Oh, just swell, Frank.
I was here until midnight last night.
wading through all this stuff by myself
because Audrey disappeared
on me yesterday.
I know. I told her to
take the rest of the day off.
You what?
Geez, Frank, you ...
I ran into her at Phil's yesterday.
She seemed pretty upset about the break up.
So I took her home.
And then, something happened, Murph.
Between Audrey and me.
Oh, God.
It's not what you're thinking.
We sat in my car
and talked.
Just talked.
Until : in the morning.
And then I went home.
Would that be your home
here in Washington?
Or your home on the planet
"Oh yeah, sure!"
I'm telling you,
we talked about everything.
I don't think I've ever been as
comfortable with a woman before.
I think there's a
real attraction there.
But if I start seeing Audrey,
How's Miles going to feel?
He's my boss.
He's my friend.
Murphy, what should I do?
Oh, there they are.
The five most dreaded words
in the English language.
"Murphy, what should I do?"
Murphy, I need your help.
And now, the five
second most dreaded words.
Hi, Frank. Maybe
you can help, too.
I don't know if you've heard
But I broke up
with Audrey yesterday.
Oh.
I called her around : last night,
just to make sure she was okay.
No answer.
: .
Still no answer.
Finally, around : in the morning,
she picked up the phone.
I asked her where
she was all night.
She said she was
taking a shower.
I think she's lying.
What do you think, Murphy?
Gee, I don't know.
What do you think, Frank?
Okay, Miles?
I'm going to be totally honest with you.
Audrey was with me last night.
Well, Frank,
It was my choice
not to see Audrey anymore.
If you two want to see each other
I say great.
You're one of my best friends.
And she's a terrific woman.
I think we're both sophisticated
enough to handle this.
All I ask is ...
That you treat her right.
I'll try.
Look, thanks for
understanding, buddy.
Shake?
You sure you don't want
to go out to the stable
and check her teeth
before you close the deal?
Murphy, if you're finished making rude comments
I'd like to start the morning meeting.
Good morning, Audrey.
Hello, Mr. Silverberg.
Hello, Frank.
Hi, Audrey.
How are you feeling today?
Wonderful.
Except for one problem.
I have an extra ticket for
the symphony Thursday night.
I was planning to take someone
but he suffocated unexpectedly.
I think I can solve
this little dilemma.
Frank, would you like to go to
the symphony with Audrey?
I'd love to.
What do you say, Audrey?
I can't think of anyone
I'd rather go with.
Anyone at all.
On this Earth.
Living or dead.
I guess that covers everyone here.
What do you say we
start the morning meeting?
Okay.
Next month's schedule.
I need stories.
Great stories.
Pitch me, people.
Okay, okay, look,
I'm thinking about
a follow-up piece
on my story about death row.
Interesting, and the first
piece was very strong.
Bur we're trying to steer
away from follow-ups.
Sorry, Frank.
Okay, well, how about a look at the
super fund clean up site upstate.
Oh, I don't think so.
It's pollution. Downer.
What else you got?
Uh...
The effects of a military base closing on a town ...
No, no, no.
What else?
Well ...
Nope.
You haven't heard the idea yet.
Don't like it.
Well, maybe you'll
like this story idea.
Miles Silverberg,
Executive producer
or moron?
Well, I'd rather be a moron than a
rotten, stinking back-stabber.
You're not a friend.
You're the predator.
Lying in wait for
relationships to break off.
So you can suck
up the women,
like some ant eater with
a testosterone problem!
You're out of your mind!
You know that.
Audrey was dating a crazy person.
When I started therapy,
I was saner than you!
No wonder she's confused.
You confused her.
You offer her a ride home
And then, take seven
hours to get there!
What'd you do, Frank?
Take a short cut, through New Hampshire?!
Look, Miles,
I don't care what you say.
I'm taking her to the symphony,
you hear that?
I'm taking her!
Oh, you do that.
You take her
to the symphony.
You'll be the only guy there
trying to start the wave.
All right. All right.
I don't care if
you k*ll each other.
Just stop fighting over Audrey.
She's mine,
you got that? Mine.
And I don't want anybody
to upset her.
Case closed. No arguments. Period.
I have no idea what
just transpired here.
I hate that feeling.
Don't fight it, Jim.
It's really kind of nice,
once you get used to it.
... testimony.
There's got to
be something there.
Good lord.
Oh, and while you're at it
pull the file on Capasian, too.
Hi, Murph.
Frank,
you're not supposed to
pick up Audrey until : .
It's : .
I'll walk into the
living room real slow.
That should cover it.
Hi, Audrey.
Hello, Frank.
Can I talk to you
privately, please?
Is everything all right?
There's something that
doesn't feel quite right.
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
Let me translate
for you, Audrey.
When Miles told Frank it was
okay to go out with you
That meant you were available.
When a woman is available
Frank suddenly finds her
about as desirable as Ernest Borgnine.
Is that it, Frank?
No!
Well, that's part of it.
At least, I'm honest
enough to admit it.
Look, Audrey
I know this
is going to be hard for you
I want you to
try to forget me
and what could have been.
Oh, this is such a relief.
Excuse me.
I've been thinking
things through.
And I realized that
all I've been doing is
using you to get
back at Miles.
Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
Are you telling me
that you are not
interested in me at all?
Yes.
Maybe if you
give it a chance.
God, Frank!
You're like a dead chicken.
Cut off it's head and
it still keeps running
around the yard.
(scream)
What was that?
Miles?
What are you doing out there?
I was driving by
and I saw this guy.
Really big guy,
with a really big scar.
And he was climbing
over your wall.
Here he goes again.
Get out of here.
You get out of here. Go!
Okay, he's gone.
Better get down to the
police station before ...
Oh, stop it, Miles!
There is no man.
I demand to know what
you were doing out there.
Skulking about.
I was not skulking!
Yes, I was.
Oh, God.
What have I become?
I'm a skulker.
What a pathetic excuse
for a man I've become.
I haven't slept.
I haven't shaved.
I started to shave.
but then I stopped.
No reason.
Just couldn't go on.
Great, Frank.
Thanks to you our leader's
lost the will to groom.
No, it's not Frank's fault.
I'm the one who
make this mess.
And now,
All I can think
to say is
You stay away
from her, Frank.
I don't want you
to call her.
Or date her.
Or touch her.
No touching
No touching!
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
Okay.
Because I ...
What?
Okay.
What?
I made a mistake, Miles.
I should have read you better.
I couldn't see
how much you were hurting.
I'm sorry, man.
Here we go.
They're calling
each other "man"
The end is in sight.
Okay.
Okay.
I don't want a male bonding going on.
And here, I just had the rugs cleaned.
Miles.
Audrey.
I hope you two can
work everything out.
because
you deserve to be together, happy
and in love.
unlike me
who belongs alone
and probably will be
until the day I die.
Enjoy your evening.
Audrey.
I've been doing
a lot of thinking.
And I know why
I broke things off.
I was afraid.
But I've discovered that
I'd rather be afraid with you
than without you.
So I guess what
I'm saying is
Would you move
in with me?
Oh, Miles.
That's so sweet.
No.
Why not?
Miles, I can't ignore
the fact that
you broke up with me
and in a matter
of hours I was
spending the evening
in another man's car.
Maybe I'm not ready for a
commitment yet either, Pookie.
You called me Pookie.
So there's still a chance.
Always.
Well,
What a lovely
moment that was.
And I'm sure you'll want to
go home and relive it, Miles.
While Audrey and I
finish our story.
Murphy?
I'm sorry.
But I'm going to have to
look for other employment.
For the good of friendship,
romance,
and my mental stability --
I quit.
I'm sure you understand.
Well, you're wrong.
This is so typical.
Everyone else
always end's up
getting exactly
what they want
And I end up with zippo.
Don't think I'm trying to
make you feel guilty.
But this will probably
eat at me
for the rest
of my life.
I'm sorry, Murphy.
But he loves me.
There's love and
there's deep neuroses
Don't confuse the two.
It's strange, Audrey.
You said no to living together.
You rejected me.
I'm finding that a
really powerful turn on.
What are you saying, Pookie?