I wanted to get
to the marina early.
Phil said
I could take the boat out.
Traditionally, I'm the one
who takes us out.
Phil said I could drive
the boat this year.
Frank, you don't drive a boat.
The proper term is "pilot."
You pilot the boat.
Pilot, drive--
what difference does that make?
The difference is one is right
And one is wrong.
Can we get our priorities
straight here?
Tonight is about poker--
Our annual, bare-fisted,
blood-on-the-walls game of poker
That will leave
four men crying
As I break their wills
and pocket their cash.
You have been saying that
for years, murph.
Every year the night ends with
phil doing his victory dance
With you sulking in the corner
Eating the last two feet
of a six-foot hoagie.
(Doorbell ringing)
Frank, tonight
is going to be different.
Phil is going down big time.
Here's a little test.
Starboard--
Right side
of the vessel or left?
Which is it?
Amateur.
Well, look who decided
to show.
Captain queasy.
Not anymore.
I just stopped
at the pharmacy
And picked up
these motion sickness remedies.
This year that fish
Will have to find
his own dinner.
I've got game to win.
Jim, give me the keys
to your car.
You're driving?
I'd better take
A couple pills now.
Ahoy!
What are you doing here?
You invited me
to your poker party, remember?
We always do,
but you never come.
I was at home reflecting
on my life and divorce
And how this is a time
for me to expand...
Did you bring money?
You bet.
Get in the car.
We're going.
Reef the main
Furl the jenny.
Ha!
Doesn't it feel like
we're rocking a lot?
I think
we're rocking a lot.
Actually, it's no surprise
What, with frank operating
this vessel
Like it's some horsey ride
outside k-mart.
Oh, frank,
I'd be more than happy
To take the helm from you.
Frank:
that's okay, jim.
I'm just about
to park the boat anyway.
"Park the boat."
The man has the nautical sense
of a navel orange.
We're doomed.
Now, this over here, corky,
is the plaque
Commemorating the winner
of each year's poker game.
You will notice my name
engraved on it times.
You keep polishing it
real good, skipper.
I want it
to sparkle nicely
When my name
goes on it tonight.
These pills
are definitely not working.
I bet I got
a defective box.
"Inspected by kimmy."
Kimmy--
Oh, yeah, there's the name
of a health care professional.
I bet
she got the job
After she was laid off
from the orange julius.,
I'm trying another one
of these instead.
We're all set.
Off the side of the boat
It's an anchor,
damn it.
Say it, say it.
You are so easy.
Guys, when can we
start playing cards?
I promised my banker
I'd be making a large deposit
tomorrow morning.
I hoped he'd widen
the door of the vault
So y can get
my wheelbarrow through.
Right.
Yeah, right.
Spare us.
Phil:
uh-oh.
Fontana's got his lucky hat on.
I'm scared now.
You just back it up
with your cards, ace.
Let's ante up.
Five-card draw,
three-raise limit
When you're out of money,
you're out of the game.
Corky, are you sure
you understand everything?
I do have a question.
What's the suit
called that's black
And shaped like
a little three-leaf clover?
That's called a club.
A club. Okay.
How would you
like me to get one
And hit you
over the head
With it?
I know what I'm doing.
I read a book
on poker strategy.
I'll be reading a book
tomorrow-- my bank book.
And what a nice, fat book
it will be.
Yadda, yadda.
I bet a buck.
Call.
I'm in.
Me too.
I'm out.
Here we go again.
Sorry. That's the game
I play-- percentages.
If the cards aren't there,
neither am i.
No sense throwing good money
after bad.
No use getting emotional
about it.
We know-- it's like playing
with a corpse.
Yes, frank, a corpse
with a full understanding
Of nautical terminology.
Check.
I bet one dollar.
I'll see that.
Raise you five.
That's six to me.
I call.
Too rich for my blood.
Chick wilson's
big book of poker.
Chapter five:
"talk like a winner."
I'm in.
Okay. Show 'em.
Yes!
Aw!
Three b*ll*ts.
Very nice hand.
Come to mama!
Tough luck there, barfy.
You too, captain.
It's good to see you
enjoying yourself.
It's such a nice change
of pace
From that deep,
dark depression
You'll be entering
in about two hours.
Keep on dreaming, toots.
Well, I'm out.
What do you mean
you're out?
Frank hasn't even started
dealing the cards yet.
I'm out of the game.
I'm out of money.
All you brought
was seven dollars?
No, of course not.
I had .
When I went to the pharmacy
for the seasick stuff
They wouldn't take
a credit card.
I picked up a toothbrush,
slippers, batteries
And there was that canister
by the register
To save the seal pups.
For the love of pete.
I'll loan you
some money
So you can stay
in the game.
No, you don't.
With mr. Stop-and-shop gone
That's one less roadblock
between me and victory.
If you're hungry
There's sandwiches
in the fridge.
Liverwurst, egg salad,
pimento loaf.
No, no, phil.
I had a late lunch.
If you dig
in the back
There may be a jar
of creamed herring.
I have to leave now.
Yes! The first has fallen.
Who will be the next?
It's to you.
I'm out.
Oh, stop the presses.
Oh, darn!
This isn't a hand--
it's a foot.
What a terrible
set of cards.
I can't believe
my luck.
Oh, well,
I came here to play.
I might as well stay in...
Even if it is a bad hand.
Fold.
I'm out.
Frank
You're not going
to stay in, are you?
Think about it--
Nobody could bluff
that badly.
I see your bet
Corky, and raise you two.
Two it is.
How many cards
you want?
Um... None.
You don't want
any cards.
You want to stay
with that hand.
Mm-hmm.
Wait a minute.
You want me to think
you have a good hand.
That is very crafty,
sherwood.
Not bad for a rookie
But I'm not going to play
that game.
No, no, no, no.
Let's see,
I will take two cards.
Oh.
Three bucks.
I'll see your three
And raise you...
Eight.
Nope. Two.
Nope.
Five.
I have no idea
what she's doing.
She's acting like someone
Who has a good hand
But wants me to think
she has a bad hand
Yet her bluff
was so bad
That I knew she had a bad hand
Although she didn't take
any cards
Which meant she had a good hand,
so I was wrong
Or I was right--
she did have a bad hand.
Frank, make up your mind.
I can smell
your brain burning.
Okay, okay.
I'll... Raise you...
(Giggling)
I fold.
Loser!
Two, jack, seven...
You didn't have anything!
I fooled you.
I fooled you.
Stupid hat.
That's ridiculous--
Blaming your loss
on a hat.
Oh, you're right.
It's this stupid shirt!
I'm warning you.
The pants go, and I'm walking.
Hey there,
boys and girls.
Come on out on deck.
There's a full and groovy moon
out tonight.
Is everything all right?
You seem peculiar.
Nope. I'm feeling
really bitching.
You didn't take
Any more of those seasick pills,
did you?
I took the pills
I drank the liquid
I'm wearing the patch.
The word on the street
is this dude is proper.
Those things can have
a bad effect.
My father
took too many
When I sent him
on that anniversary cruise.
He ended up on stage
during the aloha revue
Bumping and grinding
with the bob baker marionettes.
I want to party
with that cat.
Don't you worry about me,
frank-a-roni
The san francisco treat.
I am medicated, lubricated,
and working it out.
(Humming "can't touch this")
♪♪ Can't touch this ♪♪
(Humming)
Ha! Read 'em and weep.
Sure. Now the fours show up.
You play the percentages,
go by the rules
Where does it get you?
Same place it gets you
every year, jimmy-jim-jimbo.
Checked into the hotel loser
Where corky, miles, and frank
are drowning their sorrows
In the "i-lost-my-shirt" lounge.
How about less talking
and more card playing?
Christopher columbus!
Miles, you better
go lie down now.
♪♪
♪♪ Can't touch this
(Humming "can't touch this")
♪
♪♪ Can't touch this... ♪
I am not having a good time.
I'm going
to have to bet .
Fine.
See your .
Raise .
You're blowing smoke,
big man.
That makes .
Well, why not? I'm overdue.
Cards.
How about you,
murphy?
Two.
Jim?
I'll take three.
Two for the dealer.
That's it.
I'm out.
Here's my last dollar.
I'd like you to share it.
Why should I go home
with anything more
Than the clothes
on my back?
Excuse me.
Good lord, when will it end?!
Haven't I given
my pound of flesh?
First, kidney stones,
then that prostate thing
And now this! Who am i, job?
If you want me,
take me now!
You worried?
Not unless we hear a splash.
My, but that sea air
is refreshing.
Well, phil,
here we are again.
Just you and me,
mano a mano.
Yeah, just the two of us
doing the dance of death
Till the last one is standing.
And history tells us
who that will be.
Phil, I got news for you.
You are no longer facing
the same old murphy brown.
½½ Hours of labor
And five months
of breast-feeding
Have only made me stronger.
Tonight, my name goes
on that plaque.
Oh, if I had a buck
for every time you said that.
Ooh, I guess I do.
What time is it?
: A.m.
Oh, man,
it happened again.
Every year I think
this is going to be fun.
Every year I end up broke,
asleep on this coach
Lying in a puddle
of my own drool.
Why do I do this to myself?
Because it's about three steps
up from your personal life
At home.
I'm sorry, frank.
I'm mean when I l?se.
Murphy, you'd be a fool
to stay in this hand.
But if you want to,
it's going to cost you bucks.
Now you know what they say, phil
Fools rush in
where angels fear to tread.
Of course, no angel ever had
a hand like this.
I will see your bet
And raise you a hundred.
Oh, into the valley of death
she rode.
I'll see your sawbuck
and raise you .
Look, phil, it's getting late,
so I'll make this quick.
I will see your bet
and raise you everything.
What's going on?
Murphy:
sorry.
You know the rules.
If you can't cover the bet...
Ding, ding.
Welcome to the hotel loser.
I'll have the bellhop take
your paper bag up to your room.
Not so fast, murphy.
This ought to cover it.
I'm putting in my boat.
Are you crazy?
You can only bet the money
you bring to the table.
Give me a break here.
This streak
has lasted for years.
If I'm going to go down,
let me go down swinging.
We can't fold this
without showing our hands.
I'd show you
the same consideration.
Okay.
In that case,
let me make it even.
Your porsche?!
Are you guys nuts?!
A car, a boat?!
You're on.
For crying out loud
You don't want
to do this, guys.
This has gotten
out of hand.
I see the problem.
We can't have this.
It's one minute to air
And prime minister churchill
Still doesn't have
his makeup on.
Sir winston, it's an honor
to have you here on f.y.i.
Places, everyone!
In five, four, three,
four, five!
Miles...
Come on,
let's go watch the tv
From the sound booth.
Why, mrs. Roosevelt,
you coy, little minx.
Okay, phil,
this is it.
High noon. What have you got?
Oh, murphy.
There's only four sixes
in the deck.
It's such
a rare and beautiful thing
To see them all together.
(Whistles)
That is a beautiful sight
all right, phil...
But not as beautiful
as four nines!
I won!
I won! I won!
Get the photographer...
No, no, no!
Call the engraver.
No. Give me a Kn*fe.
I'll carve it in myself.
Say what you will,
the woman's a classy winner.
You know, you dream of something
for years
And then you think
It can't possibly be
as sweet as you imagined
But you are wrong.
It's even sweeter!
Oh, baby!
Block type? Script?
Or those universal symbols
they use on space probes
So that undiscovered
civilizations
Will know what transpired
and pass it on to their people
In song and story.
I don't care, murphy.
I'm tired, I'm bored,
and I want to go home.
How many times can I read
the same stupid fish magazine
Or restyle miles' hair
while he's passed out on deck?
Phil:
here you go, murphy.
Registration slip
Maintenance records,
extra set of keys.
Phil, how many times
do I have to tell you
I'm not taking your boat?
We got a little crazy last night
And bet more
than we should have
But in the light of day
We realize that.
Don't make this
any harder than it is.
I've never welshed on a bet
in my entire life
And I'm not about
to start now.
You won the boat
fair and square.
Murph, jim's been driving
the boat for a while.
We're almost home.
How about letting me
dock it?
Don't ask me.
It's phil's boat.
Phil?
Don't ask me.
It's murphy's boat.
Phil...
Murph?
I don't care.
Great.
Oh, jim,
murphy said I could do it.
Jim:
"oh, murphy said, murphy said."
You little mama's boy.
Hi, guys.
So...
Last night, it was fun, huh?
Good friends
having good times.
Crazy times.
Crazy times
where anything can happen.
You don't remember any of it,
do you, miles?
Of course I do.
I remember everything.
Oh! My hair has a point!
Who did this to me?
I don't know.
I started ignoring you
After you put that slice
of cheese on your head
As a yarmulke
And introduced yourself
as cheddah the yeshiva boy.
If I can get through
the rest of this day
Without getting struck
by lightning
I will never set foot
on phil's boat again.
It's murphy's boat now.
Only because phil's
too proud to take it back.
I've got a trick up my sleeve
that's going to change his mind.
We're going to cut cards.
High card gets the boat.
You're going
to play cards?
That's what got you
into this mess
In the first place.
And it's going
to get me out of it.
There is only one two
in this deck.
I know where it is.
It's a trick I learned
from penn and teller.
I'm leaving out the part
Where I stick the fondue forks
into my eyes.
You better get out
on deck, miles.
You better get out
in one of your loafers.
And the curse begins.
Cover your eyes, miles.
That's what they go for.
Phil, I still say
this whole thing is nuts.
If you won't let me
give you the boat back
Then let me give you
a chance to win it back.
I can't do that.
Come on, phil,
years of memories.
Look at this--
you and jack kennedy
Fishing off the back
of the boat.
You and tip o'neill doing
cannonballs off the side.
Yeah, we went through a whole
lot of sunblock that day.
Look at this--
phyllis's old bathing cap.
Oh, actually, that belonged
to j. Edgar hoover.
He crashed one of our
fourth of july weekends
Wearing a hot pink sundress
and calling himself miriam.
God, that man could rumba.
That's what
I'm talking about, phil.
Good memories, great memories,
strange memories--
Memories worth gambling for.
Aw, geez, murphy,
I don't know.
Come on, phil.
I won this on a fluke.
One lucky hand in years.
How can I enjoy
the boat knowing that?
Why don't we settle this?
You pull high card,
you keep the boat.
I pull high card
Then I'll just keep it,
and that will be the end of it.
Well... It is
kind of tempting.
After all, I'm pretty fond
of the old girl.
Of course you are.
So you should be.
What do you say?
Let's go for it.
Well, since you
put it that way...
(Rumbling)
...no, thank you.
Jim:
nice going, frank.
Frank:
me? You were driving.
Piloting--
it's called piloting.
What happened up there?
W-w-we had...
A little bit of an accident
while we were docking.
Jim hit another boat.
Not just any boat.
Man:
what in the blazes do you people
think you're doing?
Walter cronkite's boat.
Do you hear me?
Who's the owner
of this garbage scow?
He wants to talk
to you, skipper.
Me? I'm not the skipper--
you are.
You won the boat.
You were going
to cut the cards.
Who's to say
I would have won?
Trust me.
Good lord, we're going down.
Betsy, betsy, grab the cat.