Listen up, everyone.
I urge you
a place to hide.
Stuart best
is on his way up.
I don't know why h
or what he wants.
I used lesley stahl as a human
shield to get up here without
him seeing me.
I is what I get for
pretending to be friends
With people I feel sorry for.
Great. Now I've got him
and morley safer to deal with.
Maybe he's not
here to see us.
Yeah. It's a big building.
Let's hide in
jim's office.
Hello, fyi.
Jim:
stuart.
Corky:
how are you?
It's so great
to see you guys again.
Miles and corky,
jim, frank
And murph!
Stuart!
So, what brings you
to town and for how long?
I moved back
to washington, bud.
I'm living here
full-time now.
Hey, great.
What happened, stuart,
get elected to the senate?
No, no. I'm a congressman.
You're not joking, are you?
Nope.
When you say congress
You wouldn't be referring
the one in this country
Would you?
As in house of
representatives?
You're looking at
the new congressman
From the seventh district
Of the great
state of arizona
And if I'm lying, I'm buying.
How? How did someone like you
get to be a congressman?
And please don't mistake
the incredulous tone in my voice
For anything other
than idle curiosity.
I know, murph.
In the years since you
guys got me fired from fyi
My life has been on a seemingly
endless downward spiral.
But only in america
Could a man who's been drummed
out of every job he's ever had
Become an elected official.
There was a lot of voter
discontent out there
And I guess I just rode
the republican
wave into office.
You're a republican?
Well, I never used to be.
In fact, I hadn't
voted in years.
I mean, that's how they track you
down for jury duty, you know.
You said you won
your seat in arizona.
You aren't, by any chance
The political unknown
who ousted
Landmark legislator
robert sakaniwa, are you?
He was a career politician, jim
And the people
were sick of those.
Where as I had
what they were looking for--
No record, no experience
And no hard-to-pronounce
last name.
So, what was
your platform?
Not that you
Couldn't have won on your
kennedyesque charm alone.
The people wanted
simple, easy answers--
Answers I was ready to give
Like, "all's I know is,
it's time for a change."
And, "all's I know is,
we've had enough tax and spend."
And "all's" that
got you elected?
By a landslide.
But, hey, enough gab.
I came here invite you guys
to my inaugural bash on friday.
What do you say?
Man:
congressman best,
phone call.
Guess I'd better take that.
Unless it's the president
In which case
you can tell him
I'll call back when
I'm good and ready.
That's what newt did.
It's not the president, is it?
My alibi is
avery's got a rash.
Bridge game.
Family.
Scuba lessons.
Scuba lessons?
Oh, I'm sorry
it's no rash.
I can't believe
All of you are trying to
get out of this party.
You should be jumping
on this opportunity.
Are you out of your mind?
Think about it.
There's a whole new regime
in power now.
And we all have to start
making new contacts.
Let's face it. The only someone
like tom foley can do
for you these days
Is reserve you a seat at the
st. Patrick's day parade.
Not even.
I tried.
He answers the phone
with a phony jamaican accent
And says you've got
the wrong number.
Well, that was my secretary.
Apparently I haven't signed
my contract with america yet.
And they won't give me
the key to my office till I do.
All of us would be thrilled
to go to your party.
Splendid.
Well, I'm off
to, uh, make a difference
And who knows, uh, maybe
lay the groundwork
For a quayle/best campaign
in ' .
Oh yeah, this is
my idea of fun.
Me surrounded by
a room full of republicans
drunk with power.
Al l that's missing
are some dancing flames
And a guy with a pitchfork.
How many democrats
does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know.
How many?
I hope just one
Or this town's going to be
dark for a long, long time.
Ah, geez, rush limbaugh drew
clinton's face on his belly
And he's making it talk.
Haven't we been
here long enough?
Hey, guys, I just heard
the most interesting tidbit.
According to newt gingrich
Half the clinton cabinet
was stoned out of their minds
During the
state of the union address.
Call me jaded, corky, but I've
learned to discount anything
Beginning with the phrase
"according to newt gingrich."
Wait a minute,
you're saying if a mother
can't take care of her children
Without welfare
Then the government
should take away the children?
Right! And place them
in a loving orphanage.
Oh, as long as it's
a loving orphanage.
I'm sorry I didn't
find you earlier
But I was in conference
with sonny bono.
Not only does the man have
a unique perspective on the issues
But he slept with cher.
And he's willing to
talk about it
In detail.
That's terrific, stuart
But I think
I'm going to be shoving off
So thanks for having us.
You can't go
Before my toast.
All right, everybody, attention.
Toast time.
I'm congressman best
from arizona.
And I want to
thank you all
For making this
such a wonderful night.
I also want
to thank
Some folks you wouldn't
expect to see here--
My old friends from fyi
Especially murphy brown.
(Crowd booing)
Now, come on, people.
Even a republican like me
was once a member
Of the liberal media elite
like them.
You were?
Well, but then I sobered up.
Yeah, and
so did murphy.
But you
wouldn't know it
From all those crazy
media elite stories she airs.
What the hell is he doing?
Oh, I think someone here
doesn't like that phrase.
"Liberal media elite."
I wonder who it could be.
Perhaps it's my old friend
murphy brown.
All right, you insufferable
homunculus, that's enough.
Oh. That would be one of those
ten-dollar words.
Well, what else would you expect
from a tax-and-spend liberal!
All right,
that old chestnut...
Blah, blah, blah.
With all that hot air
Maybe you should
be president, murphy.
Too bad hillary
already has the job.
Murphy, maybe
we should leave.
Real mature.
A first lady who has something
more to say on an issue
Than "just say no..."
Boring.
Time to go.
I didn't realize I was at
the idiots' convention.
You talk too much.
Shut up.
You shut up.
Okay, pal, right here!
Mark my words,
stuart best is going down.
And I'm taking him there.
Do you think it's possible to buy
some of that flesh-eating bacteria
Or do you just have
to walk into it?
Well, I understand you
folks had a fun time
Meeting the new
powers-that-be.
How do you know
about that already?
I've been surfing
the internet.
Has the change
in power
Affected things here at all?
Oh, I don't know.
There's a whole new set
of vibes in this town.
Just last night, newt gingrich
and his boys strutted in here
Picked out the smallest
democrat in the place
And played keep-away
with his tasselled loafers
Until the poor bastard cried.
But what can you expect
From a guy who's named
after a lizard?
A lizard?
Now, that's an idea.
But how do you get it
to bite the right person?
Every answer just leads
to more questions.
You know what
I don't understand?
"Liberal" to me
Always meant making sure people
weren't discriminated against
The environment wasn't polluted,
the poor were cared for.
How did "liberal" become
a four-letter word?
Come on, frank.
You use "conservative"
as a swear word.
Well, yeah, but that hasn't
really caught on
The way I thought it would.
It all sounds like
sour grapes to me.
The democrats have been
in charge for years.
You can't stand the fact that
now it's the republicans' turn.
Well maybe the republicans
can be in power for years
And then the democrats
can have it back.
Sure, you'll all be dead then
But miles and I
will be alive
To see it.
If it going to mean living
under republican control
For years,
I'd rather be dead.
Well, they couldn't do
worse than the democrats.
Who's been in the white house
for the last years? The republicans.
That is so unfair.
(All shouting)
Stop it.
Stop it!
Stop it, all of you.
I'm tired
of all this
Finger pointing.
"Democrats are responsible
for this."
"Republicans are responsible
for that."
That's what's wrong
with this country today.
I tell you,
we should set aside
our petty differences
And work toward a solution to
the problems that affect us all.
Jim is right.
And I say that solution should be
taking down stuart best.
You might think
that a concrete vault
Feet below the surface
is a little extreme
But if we're all willing
to dig together...
Would you stop going on and on with
your crazy revenge fantasies?
You're right.
These are crazy
revenge fantasies.
What I should be focusing on
are plausible revenge fantasies.
Like having stuart
On the show and nailing
his hide to the wall.
That is much better.
Just because the republicans
call us liberals
Doesn't mean we
lose our objectivity.
We are here to inform,
not push some political agenda.
This isn't a political agenda.
It's a personal one.
The republicans
have been begging me for weeks
To profile new members
of the house.
Fine.
One of them's going
to be stuart best.
By the time I finish
showing the public
Just who it is they voted for,
he's going to be begging
For that concrete vault.
Hey there, murph.
Stuart.
You know, I was a little surprised
be invited to appear on the show tonight.
At the party, I got the sense
you might be a little miffed.
Uh-huh.
I was wondering if I
might be able to ask you
a teensy little favor.
And that is?
Help me!
Oh, god, murph, please.
Help me! Help me!
Get the hell up!
What are you doing?
I can't go
on the show tonight.
I can't .
Don't make me.
Well, well, well,
not so full of yourself
When you're not surround
by your cronies
Are you, congressman?
Please, you don't understand.
When I was elected
I didn't realize I might
be a little bit beholden
to certain...
To certain interest
groups who aided my bid.
I thought they gave
because they like me
But tonight, they
gave me a position paper
And they made it clear
they're expecting a pretty big
return on their investment.
So, give it to them.
Seconds, people.
I can't.
These positions
are a little extreme.
If I go on tv and say the things
My backers want me to say
I won't be able to
live with myself.
But if I don't say them,
they'll k*ll me.
They won't k*ll you.
They will k*ll me.
Some of these people have
overthrown governments
In central america.
They've sh*t people
in soccer stadiums.
You've got to help me.
Stuart, have you
been drinking?
Yes, I've been drinking
And I'm go on drinking
for the next two years.
And we're live in
five, four,
three, two...
Good evening,
and welcome to fyi.
For your information tonight
Frank fontana explores
mob influence in russia
And corky sherwood examines
the dangers of germs in the gym.
But first,
murphy brown introduces us
To three new members of
the historic th congress.
Murphy?
Thank you, jim.
With me are
democrat mary courtney
Republican jeff binney
And former fyi anchor,
republican stuart best.
Welcome.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yep.
A lot has been made
over political gridlock
And I thought tonight
With our one democrat
and two republicans
We might see where
would land on various issues.
One of the biggest ones
is immigration.
Any thought?
Immigrants have always
contributed to this country
And have always
made easy scapegoats.
Yes,
something must be done
about the illegal ones.
But cutting off education
and health care is shortsighted.
Our limited resources
should be going to americans
And not to people
who aren't legally here.
I'm betting my colleague
stuart agrees with me.
Yes, I do.
Surely, you must have more of an
opinion than that, congressman.
Well, I don't want to
monopolize the discussion.
Oh, no, please,
we have plenty of time.
Feel free to elaborate.
Yes, well, why stop
at illegal immigrants?
Let's get rid of
the legal ones too.
They found a way here,
they can find a way back.
Unless a person
is seven-eighths caucasian
They should take an i.q. Test
To determine if they should stay
in this great country of ours.
Are you actually proposing
we expel ethnic minorities?
I guess I am.
All ethnic minorities?
Apparently so.
Let's move on.
Teen pregnancy,
congresswoman courtney.
We must improve sex education
Or we'll have
more kids having kids.
Sex ed is just providing
a how-to manual.
The only safe sex is no sex.
Congressman best.
I think we obviously
need to bring back the family
But the problem
is unwed mothers.
Now, why are they unwed?
Because there aren't enough
men to go around.
That's why...
Polygamy...
Should be not only...
Decriminalized but enforced.
Well, that's quite
a radical solution.
Anything more to it?
I'm afraid there is.
Any bride who refuses
her new husband would--
Unless seven-eighths caucasian--
Be returned to
the country of her ancestors.
You are advocating
forced marriages?
And the deportation
of american citizens?
I believe I've said all
I need to say on this subject.
Yes. Yes, you have.
Welfare: another hot topic.
Congresswoman courtney.
Welfare as we know it
may not be working
But we need
some program in place
To help those
the economy can't.
The welfare society is the
great legacy of the democrats.
Unless we limit how long
people receive assistance
What's the incentive to work?
Okay, next topic...
I don't believe we've
heard from congressman best.
Oh, right.
Congressman best?
"sl*very" is an ugly word...
But "welfare"
is an uglier one.
Where welfare has been
a drain on the economy
Historically, sl*very
has always been a boon.
Now, I'm not proposing
we enslave any one race.
That would be wrong.
But let's put the
unemployed to work for us.
Our founding fathers had slaves.
Why shouldn't we?
sl*very?!
Yes, but anyone who'd
rather not work
Would, if less than
seven-eighths caucasian
Be sent back to the country
of their ancestors.
You find sl*very a better
alternative to welfare?
Yes, I do.
Are you nuts?
Yes, I am.
I'd like to point out
That I've never met
congressman best before tonight
And must state
that his positions
Don't remotely resemble mine
Or those of
the republican party.
On to the very dry, less
inflammatory topic of trade.
Congresswoman courtney.
I support the new
gatt agreement.
I do too.
Well, what do you know?
A consensus between parties.
And, uh, congressman best
I believe you told me earlier
That you support gatt,
so we can move on to...
No!
We're in a trade w*r.
We must act accordingly.
I say it's time to...
Please, I just can't.
It's time to...
I just...
Could you read this, please?
You want to reintern
the japanese?
(Crying)
Good god, man!
Do you actually believe
any of what you're saying?
No! Not a word.
But the people
who gave me money do.
What choice do I have?
I was running a campaign
out of my living room.
I didn't have time to figure out
where every $ , check
Was coming from.
You didn't know
contributing to your campaign?
I do now.
An ultra secret oil cartel,
underground arms merchants
The national r*fle coalition.
You mean
the national r*fle association.
No, they're a militant
off-sh**t of that.
The patriotic brotherhood.
Aren't they connected to
The aryan nation white
supremacist group?
Not anymore.
They're a militant
off-sh**t of that.
And you took money
from these people?
Brotherhood--
what could sound nicer?
Believe me
I had no idea.
All I wanted was a full-time job
With a pension
and a health care plan.
I haven't had my teeth
cleaned since .
I don't know whether
to hate you
Or pity you.
Pity me.
It was, hands down
The worst performance
by a politician
Since the '
vice-presidential debates
When admiral stockdale
faculties
Failed to join him
at the podium.
So, murphy, are you still angry
at stuart?
Halfway through the show
I tried to figure out
Which country would
give him political asylum.
Then I realized his backers
probably ran the governments
In most of them.
Hey, guys.
Hi, stuart.
You look terrible.
Well, I didn't get
a lot of sleep last night.
Up all night worried about
your performance, huh?
No, up all
running from an angry mob.
They tried to
tar and feather me.
I would have assumed
the know-how for that
practice d*ed out years ago.
But I've got the scattered
blisters that say otherwise.
I'm sorry things
turned out the way they did, stuart.
But politics can be
a brutal sport.
Not for me, not anymore.
The seventh district of arizona
started recall proceedings
Last night.
That fast?
Yep.
It seems more people
called for my resignation
In the two minutes
following the show
Than voted in
the election.
Well, if nothing else
can be said
For my stint in congress
At least, it unified the people
Through their intense and
utter hatred of me.
I've got to say,
it does sort of restore
a little of my faith in democracy.
Yeah, mine too.
But don't worry about me.
I've decided to do
What every disgraced politician
has done since time immemorial:
Slink into self-imposed exile
and write my memoirs.
My agent says
it's a can't-miss deal!