Guys, guys...
I was just watching c-span
And newt gingrich
gave an entire speech
With a clump of oatmeal
on the corner of his mouth.
Either that or his makeup people
Forgot to wipe off
the foam again.
Hey, guys.
What brings
our stage manager
Up to this neck
of the woods?
I didn't think
your headset cord
Reached beyond
the stage.
I just wanted to stop by
and tell everybody--
I've got some sad news.
Jack saunders
passed away yesterday.
Jack was a legend
around here.
Been with the show
since day one.
That is so sad.
Isn't that sad?
Jack? Jack who?
Jack saunders,
from the crew.
Oh,that jack.
Jack saunders
from the crew.
Oh, that's awful.
Wow, for him to just go
suddenly like that.
What a shock.
Actually, they expected
him to die years ago.
Exactly, expected to die
years ago and then...
Gone like that.
And he had
so much life left to live.
Not really.
He was almost .
Right.
Well, it just shows
You can't take
your loved ones for granted.
(Sighs)
Anyway, I had a story
I wanted to pitch...
When my family
suffers a loss--
When you live
in gator country
That happens more often
than you'd think--
We all gather around a room
And share our personal memories
about the departed.
Helps to get out
the grief we're feeling.
Let's do it.
I kind of prefer to keep
my grief bottled up.
What I'll always
remember about jack
Was my first
night at fyi.
Murphy conveniently borrowed
my lucky mont blanc pen.
I was in a panic until jack
was generous enough to give me
His naked lady pen with
the disappearing bathing suit.
He loved those pens.
I remember how jack
used to always give me back rubs
To loosen me up before the show.
And not the creepy, icky kind
full of unspoken requests
But real nice,
kind of like a grandpa.
Frank:
last winter, I had tickets
To the kennedy center honors
and my car wouldn't start.
So jack gets into his chevy
and bumps me all the way there.
Then he waits outside
for ½½ hours
And bumps me all the way home.
Jim:
oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
One night after a commentary
When I inexplicably
mispronounced
The name "schevardnaze,"
I was feeling rather blue.
Jack, sensing my mood,
sat me down
And we ended up sharing
a box of milk duds
And talking into the wee hours
of the morning.
Awesome.
Oh, milk duds.
Oh, gosh, I remember
so many things about jack
It's hard to pick just one.
But... I guess if I had to
It would be the way
he always carried that cable...
Mic... Camera?
Gee, murphy.
It almost seems like you
don't remember jack at all.
Of course I remember jack.
I'd be a pretty terrible person
if I didn't.
Come on, murph.
It's not
that big a stretch.
You're not exactly
buddy-buddy with the crew.
Because I don't go out
with them for beers?
No, because you don't speak
to them or address them by name.
Hey, I have a fine relationship
with the crew.
In the land
of opposites, maybe.
Come now, slugger.
You can't be oblivious
to your reputation.
Surely you're aware
of the proliferation
Of murphy brown jokes
they have on the stage.
Of course I'm aware
of the jokes.
I love the jokes.
What are they again?
John, you told me
the funniest one.
Tell that one.
I'd really rather not.
Oh, it's okay, john.
I can laugh at myself.
Let's hear it.
How many murphy browns
does it take
To screw in a light bulb?
How many?
Shut up and just do it!
It's really...
It's not that funny.
No.
No, it's not.
My point is,
I know the crew
Each and every
one of them.
And a guy
As kind and caring as...
This guy we've lost
Well, of course I remember him.
Now, if you'll excuse me
I'm just going
to send some flowers.
(Whispers)
Jack, jack saunders.
May I have
your attention, please?
Fyi has suffered a loss,
but as we all know
Jack knew he wouldn't be
around forever.
So, he wrote down
a few words before his death
And john would like
to share them with you now.
John?
"Dear people
I work with..."
Aw, he always
called us that.
"If you're reading this letter,
I guess I'm dead.
"I just wanted
to thank all of you
"Who've meant so much to me
over these years--
"My fellow crew members
"The producers, the anchors
"And most importantly,
I'd like to thank
"The person who meant the most
to me here
And she'll certainly know why,
murphy brown."
What?
He signs it, "love, jack,"
and, uh...
(Voice breaking):
that's it, folks.
Let's get ready for show time.
Oh, murphy,
I feel so awful.
I had no idea you and jack
were so close.
The things we said
about you and the crew.
This must have hit you
harder than anyone.
You just kept it all bottled in.
You brave little soldier.
Yeah...
John:
all right
Heads up, everybody.
Come on.
Here we go.
In five, four
(Voice breaking):
three, two...
Oh. Last year's
staff and crew photo.
How can you tell?
Every year's the same.
Yep, murphy front and center
With her big head blocking
three people behind her.
At least she's not making
bunny ears behind you
Like she does me
every year.
In seven years, not one photo
I can hang on my wall.
You know the funny thing
about this photo is
I just can't find jack in it.
He's right behind
bill the boom guy.
Oh, sure, bill the boom guy.
Bill... Bill... Bill...
Morning, all.
What's everyone
peering at?
Oh, our crew photo.
My, doesn't jack
look debonair.
Doesn't his smile just...
I don't know.
Dear lord, slugger.
You made bunny ears
behind miles again?
In seven years,
not one photo
I can hang
on my wall.
Mrs. Saunders.
What are you
doing here?
Oh, please, corky.
You know better than that.
Call me louise.
We are so sorry
about your husband.
Jack was a man
among men.
If there's anything...
Well, actually,
I'm here to see murphy.
Well, actually,
I'm here to see louise.
Oh, it's so nice to
see you again, louise.
When was the last time?
Let me think.
The wrap party.
We stood next to each other
in the buffet line.
We've never met.
That's it.
Now I remember.
You know, louise, I wanted
to talk to yon too.
Why don't we go
into my office?
All right.
Louise, I'm not sure
if you know this
But, um...
Your husband mentioned me
in his letter, and...
Well, of course he did.
Do you know not one day went by
that he didn't speak of you?
That's why I thought
you should have this.
A phillips-head screwdriver?
The phillips-head screwdriver.
I know it meant something
special to the two of you.
Oh, boy, did it ever.
Let me tell you,
this screwdriver is just
Full of meaning.
Well, yes, jack often said
He considered your
the daughter we never had.
Sorry for interrupting
But, louise, I was
just wondering
If there was going
to be a memorial
Because we'd like
to pay our respects.
Well, jack wasn't real big
on churches.
He always used to say
"Louise, I'm not real big
on churches."
But I suppose we could have
a memorial in someone's home.
But who has a house big enough
to accommodate all those people
Whose lives he touched?
Murphy brown?
Hi. Oh, uh...
Just put it over there
Between the cheese
and the crackers.
Okay.
Whoa!
What is that?
That?
That's your beloved departed.
Oh, no, no. I think
there's been some mistake.
You see, I wasn't
exactly expecting this.
Nobody ever does.
That's the true tragedy of it.
You sure you want him
so close to the dip?
No, no, no. That
would probably be
Some sort of
health code violation.
I guess, uh...
You know I have a feeling
The beloved departed would
be comfortable right here.
You have a nice day now.
Aw, geez.
(Humming)
Would you stop staring at me
like that?!
Okay, you want me to say it?
Fine.
I don't have the vaguest idea
who you are.
There.
Are you happy now?
You know,
it's not exactly my fault.
I mean,
you were the one who d*ed
And then named me as being
this kind and wonderful person
Which obviously shows
you didn't know me very well.
Can you help me out here?
When did we meet?
When did we talk?
And what is the story
behind that stupid screwdriver?
Come on.
Who the hell are you?!
I'm sorry.
(Doorbell rings)
Murphy?
Are we the first ones here?
Aw, this looks
really nice.
Oh, man,
I hate funerals.
They always remind me
of death.
This isn't a funeral.
If it were a funeral,
the deceased would be present.
Oh, my.
This is such a sweet thing
for you to do, murphy.
Well, it's the least
I could do
Considering how close
jack and ?ere.
Did you put out a bible
in case anyone wants to pray?
I... I don't think
I have one.
Um... There may be
some religious pamphlets
That were left at the door.
I'll be right back.
Well, looks like
old jack's getting
One hell of a send-off.
If there were a jack.
Ooh, man,
we got her good.
Jim:
oh, no.
You filled it with popcorn?
What if she peeked inside?
You'd have blown
the whole thing.
It was larry
the prop guy's idea.
Has anybody
else thought
That this might be
a really mean trick
To be playing
on murphy?
Yes, I have,
but it was
Shouted down
by that other thought
That says, "ooh, baby,
she deserves this."
She's been asking
for this for years.
The crew just wanted her
to realize
She doesn't know hem.
If she admitted she
didn't remember jack
It would have been over,
but she is so stubborn.
She's also blonde,
loud and cranky
in the morning.
Duh, frank.
Jim, I got to
hand it to you.
Your take when you looked
at the urn was classic.
Really? I thought
it was a little big.
Listen, guys,
I tell you
She is putty in our hands.
I think we should go
all the way
And tell her
that jack's last wish
Was to be buried
in her backyard.
(Laughing)
(Weeping)
Places, people!
Sorry. It's a habit.
Oh, murphy. Sit here.
I feel closer to jack
with you near me.
John:
well, I think we all
Know why we're here.
To give somebody
we work with
Exactly what
they deserve.
I'd like to say
A few words about jack
But there's someone
here, I feel
Who can express what
we're all feeling
Better than anyone.
Murphy?
Oh. No, thank you.
Oh, please, murphy.
For me?
(Murmurs of encouragement)
Aw, gee. I really wanted miles
to be here.
Come on,
slugger.
(Clears throat)
Boy...
Well...
Well, what can you say
about a man like jack?
A man who touched all our lives.
Murph, I think everyone here
loved jack's smile.
Why don't you say something
about his smile?
(Sighs)
Oh, his smile.
Well... What can you say
about a smile like that?
It just lit up a room.
Even without the teeth?
Yeah, well... Well,
that's why it lit up a room
Because it was just
so darn goofy!
It'd be great if you could talk
about that lunch he always ate.
Oh. Well, i-i feel like
I've been hogging the floor
And I know a lot of you
Have memories you'd
like to share, so...
Actually, I'd love
To tell the story
of you and jack
And the phillips-head
screwdriver.
Oh! Great!
(Laughing)
Oh!
It is such a terrific story.
You see, jack and murphy were...
Oh, but I won't do it justice.
You tell it, murphy.
(Murmurs of encouragement)
For jack.
Well, it all goes back to a day
When jack was
screwing something.
Screwing something in,rather,
and, um...
I asked him if I could borrow
his screwdriver
And he said yes.
And so, he gave it to me
And then I took it...
And...
I'm sorry.
I don't remember
the screwdriver.
I don't remember the story...
And the truth is, um...
I don't remember jack.
Murphy, it's funny
you should say that
Because, well, we all
have something to tell you.
No, no, no.
Just let me finish.
I'm ashamed to say this, but...
This man who touched
all your lives
Didn't touch mine at all
And I really feel
a sense of loss
Because you've
painted a picture
Of a person I really
wish I'd gotten to know.
But he's gone now
And I blew it
But the only thing that
makes me feel a little better
Is knowing that there was
this man who existed
Who was simple
and kind and good
And with whom, though I don't
remember it, I shared a moment.
Gee, I thought this part
Would be a whole
lot funnier.
Well...
Murphy's speech
was very touching.
Don't you think
we should all go now?
(Murmured agreement),
Oh, no!,
It's all over?!
You didn't wait for me?!
How did she react?!
Did her eye
do that twitching thing?
What happened
when she found out?
Found out what?!
Hold it!
Next person who moves
a foot leaves it here.
Now, what the hell is going on?
Silverberg, talk!
Uh... Well, uh...
I... I thought they told you.
This whole thing,
the, uh, uh, service--
And the letter and everything,
um...
Was like, sort of a setup.
Um... I brought napkins.
What?!
What are you talking about?
Frank, would you like
to help miles elaborate?
Not really.
All right, uh...
Let's see. Uh murph...
Uh, technically...
Jack... Isn't exactly dead.
Then who's in the urn?
Jiffy pop.
Popcorn?
I rented chairs
for a tub of popcorn?
John:
mm-hmm.
What kind of pathetic
Twisted excuse for
a joke is this?
Murphy, the crew wanted
to teach you a lesson.
You've never taken the
time to know any of them
Even though these
decent, loyal people
Have been working
with you for years.
And I believe they've
proven their point.
What point?
I know the crew,
and personally
I find it in
extremely poor taste
To pretend that a great
guy like jack is dead.
Murph, there is no jack.
No jack?
We made him up.
Well, that really stinks.
He was the only member
of the crew who liked me.
We had no idea
it was going to go this far.
Then you really have egg
on your faces, don't you?
Because you've spent
all this time and effort
Trying to prove a point
That didn't need
to be proven
Because I know
everybody, and...
What's my name?
Are we really
going to do this?
Okay. You're joe
the video guy.
Close. Steve the cameraman.
When you're not standing
behind a camera
You look a lot like
joe the video guy.
I'm the video guy
And my name's tom.
Well, what
happened to joe?
There is no joe.
Okay, maybe there's
A couple of people
I don't know.
I'm jeannie...
In travel?
We've talked
a million times
But you didn't know me.
The guy who brought the urn
Was dave
the construction foreman.
He's done
community theater.
Hi, marge.
Jesse, have you got my mic?
Gil, how are those four kids?
Enjoying your golf game, kenny?
Okay. One more week,
and I'll have it.
I swear.