05x06 - The Say U.N.C.L.E. Affair

[bunniefuu]

She's a beauty, Colonel. I'm gonna
treat her like the proud lady she is.

Hannibal!

Yes?

One moment, please.

Unauthorized access
on the blue line.

Who is it?

Brown Fox.

I should have known.

Brown Fox always takes
the most direct route.

Open Channel D.

Hello, Brown Fox.
This is Black Wolf.

I hear there's
a hunter in the woods.

I'm afraid he's lost his way.

The old handshake still
serves us well, my friend.

Or should I say, General?

Titles are the shields
weak men hide behind.

Isn't that what we used to say?

We used to say
a lot of things back then.

Both of us possessed
a certain wisdom in our youth.

Have you considered my offer?

I've been thinking
of nothing else.

Look, I'm in Los Angeles. Why
don't we arrange a meeting?

Well, I'm on
my way there myself.

Shall we say The Pit
at 8:00 a.m.?

I'll see you there.

Welcome back to the club,
Ivan Trigorin.

Your talents have been
lying fallow long enough.

The world has changed quite
a bit since we were partners.

One's life still depends
on the loyalty of friends.

Yes, well, there's something
I need to tell you.

My decision to return,
in part, is motivated

by a bit of trouble
I've fallen into.

Trouble is the best
motivator I know.

What kind do you have?

MI5 in London.

They recruited me at the University
for a bit of minor dabbling.

A lighthouse operation.

Well, whenever MI5 has trouble,

they always go looking
for a sacrificial lamb.

Well, that seems to be the
case. Let me show you something.

Slowly, slowly, Ivan.

A very elaborate story, but
I have your updated packet.

There's no mention
of our cousins at MI5.

Turn around.

Right. Let's leave
before they arrive.

Get to the car quickly.

- Quickly.
- I told them it was bad cover.

All right,
slide over. You drive.

Hold it, please.
Your wristwatch.

It's just a watch.

Very nice, Ivan.

What does it do?

It tells time.

Oh, it is so
nice to be back in LA.

The freeways, the shallow people,
the superficial relationships.

How could we have lived
anywhere else?

And don't forget the smog.

Oh, the smog.

And that sunset when the light
hits the inversion layer just right,

it turns a beautiful
shade of orange.

Brings a tear to the eye.

My sentiments exactly, Colonel.

I love this place.

It's not every day
a kid from the barrio

gets to stay at
the Beverly Palms Hotel.

And buy a pair of $600 alligator
boots and charge them to room service.

No go?

Take them back, Frankie. It's not
nice to waste the taxpayers' money.

Okay.

And now,
with the network news update,

here's Wendy Gordon.

The Kremlin today accused
the United States

of stealing its top-secret
stealth bomber.

The US ambassador to the
Soviet Union has yet to respond.

Now who could have done that?

He's late, that's not
like him. Where's Face?

Said he was visiting
a sick aunt.

I thought you said
he had a sick aunt.

She seems to have made
a rapid recovery.

Thank you.

Sorry she couldn't stay,
guys, but she had to run.

She's collecting alms
for the poor.

Then tell her to stop
by my room and collect.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Front desk just got
a strange message.

Said the caller said,
"Turn to Channel 8."

Stockwell.

Good morning, gentlemen. I'm in
the jet, flying at 30,000 feet.

The room you're in is equipped
with a two-way video.

How about the bedroom?

We have a major problem.
General Stockwell is missing.

He's been missing since 0600.

We found his car empty.

Maybe he went to the movies.

He communicates with us
every 30 minutes.

He's definitely in trouble,
and we've moved to Code Gray.

When's the last time
you saw him?

Just before he went to meet
this man, Ivan Trigorin,

code name Brown Fox.

He's a major
international player.

His cover is Professor of
Psychology from Oxford in England.

He's here on a lecture tour
in the United States.

As a matter of fact, he's
speaking this afternoon at UCLA.

And Stockwell,
he didn't have any idea

that this Trigorin
was gunning for him?

He was once one of the
General's most trusted friends.

They were partners at the
CIA for nearly 10 years.

In this business,
that's a very long time.

Nice business.

My messenger has put a file in
the desk drawer, Mr. Santana.

That's the file on Trigorin.

Everything we know about him.
Read it and destroy it.

This is the last time
we'll be able to communicate.

You must find Stockwell
within the next 36 hours.

Or what?

Everything folds up
and disappears.

This process has already begun.

Unless the General's voice hits
the blue phone before the deadline,

everything, every bit
of this operation will vanish.

You would be on your own.

And what about our pardon?

It disappears with the General.

I don't like party crashers.

We have nothing to say. We
are with the Soviet Consulate.

Talk up or I'll turn you
into borscht.

We have diplomatic immunity.

Not from me you don't.

I'm gonna ask you one
more time. What are you doing here?

Finish him off, B.A.
Maybe the next one will talk.

I will talk!

I'm listening.

My orders are
to find General Stockwell.

We followed the messenger
from the jet.

Okay, B.A., get rid of him
and his two buddies.

But if the KGB hasn't got
Stockwell, then who does?

Good of you to join us, General.

I'd like to introduce
Dr. Kwai Li.

He'll be assisting me
in our time together.

I am honored, General.

Excuse me
for not standing, Dr. Li.

And my apologies to you. I'm
afraid I underestimated you.

Your dossier doesn't say anything
about working for the Chinese.

Secrets still exist.

Some even from you.

Perhaps you'd care to share
some secrets with me?

Offhand, I can't think of any.

I'll have to help you then.

You realize, of course,
this is strictly business.

Nothing personal.

Of course.

It should be of interest
to both of us, though.

Considering our mutual interest in
the tolerances of the human mind.

It's a long way from Cuba.

Light years. Where is it?

Where is what?

I'm afraid the subject is ready.

You're aware you're breaking every
rule of the Geneva Convention?

When did we ever worry
about the Swiss?

Especially you.

I thought this
was only business.

I guess we're not working
together on this one.

No, General. On this particular
occasion, only one of us is coming back.

Oh, absolutely,
I love the place.

Listen, I'll be coming over to
your office in a few minutes and...

Oh, no, no, that's all right.
I'll come to you.

Great. We'll see you then.

Guys, we're not
out of here in 10 minutes,

we're gonna have
to sign a lease.

The old scam man,
back in action, huh?

Scam man is never out of action.

I can't believe Stockwell would
just walk into a trap like that.

Whoever hired Trigorin knew
he'd get close to Stockwell.

The question is who?

Hey, man, if we don't figure that
out, we're gonna be fugitives.

We're gonna be
out there all alone.

Oh, man,
you're making me nostalgic.

We're gonna be on the run
forever. That's a long time.

Relax, Frankie.
Grab a file.

If he's still alive, we get to him
in 18 hours, we're back in business.

- Cover file.
- No clues here, Colonel.

Nothing in his personal file.

All right.
The KGB doesn't have him.

Now, who's big enough

or hungry enough to make
a play for the plane?

Libya.

Iran.

Cuba.

Chinese, North Koreans...

Chinese. Chinese, Chinese, Chinese.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Yes. Here it is.

For the last six months,
according to his Oxford files,

Ivan Trigorin has been auditing

graduate-level courses
in Mandarin Chinese.

I like that.

Well, howdy there, little lady.

Now, the old chuck wagon
just rolled on in.

How about letting me come on in and
drop some grub off on your boys?

You folks sure do have
yourselves a mighty fine spread.

I'm looking for the gent who
is one mighty hungry hombre.

Now, who put in the double
order of Moo Goo Gai Pan, huh?

Well, well.

Tarnation. Look at that.
I plumb forgot the soy sauce.

Old Chef Hop Sei, he's gonna wail
the living daylights out of me.

Gonna give me a hit
right here on the old butt.

Yeah, I'm sorry, ma'am. I don't quite
understand what you're trying to say to me.

Speak clearly.

You got a stereo
and everything in this place.

What kind of music
are you listening to?

I don't understand. A bathroom,
you got everything that the...

sh**t, what's a little
soy sauce among friends?

I can't take no more
of this jukebox music.

Hey, come on. Hey, be careful
with that. It belongs to my cousin.

Man, you crank it up
one more time,

and it belongs
to the garbage man.

You just don't appreciate
fine stereo equipment.

We're talking
state of the art here.

Compact disk, 500-watt amps,

theater-size speakers.

Come on, let me enjoy it
while I'm still a free man.

Frankie, why on earth
would your cousin

put such a fine sound system
into his motor home?

Well, his clientele demands it.

He rents this baby out on all
the big tours. Major names.

Glenn Frey, Tom Petty,

Huey Lewis.

Next time you use that shower,
remember, Madonna stood in there naked.

You see, the Chinese Consulate
was remodeled two years ago.

I got these contractor's
plans from the city files.

How do you get this stuff, man?

Well, just let me say there's a lovely
young lady in the City Planner's office

who will be my guest
for dinner at La Palm.

That is if we don't have
to leave the country.

Now, there's a room in the
first floor with no windows.

That'd be the center of
their intelligence operation.

Yeah, if Stockwell's in there,
that's where they probably got him.

Okay. Here's the plan.

B.A., at 0500, you, Face
and Murdock slip inside.

Frankie and I will use this
as a mobile reconnaissance.

Then, at exactly 0520...

Sorry to interrupt, Colonel.

Whoa! Hey.

Captain Murdock reporting, sir.

The Chinese consulate is in a
state of m*llitary preparedness.

Troops are billeted on the
second floor, armed and lethal.

I, myself, was struck repeatedly

with Moo Shu Pork
and Egg Foo Young.

Good work, Captain.
Did you get the pictures?

In a matter of seconds you
will have a full compliment

of eight-by-ten glossies
and wallet-size photos

for your family collection.

Frankie, show Murdock to
the Madonna memorial shower

and then develop that film.

Stockwell here.

Good afternoon,
General, this is the President.

Good afternoon, Mr. President.
What can I do for you?

Firstly, I'd like to congratulate
you on the success of your mission.

Secondly, I have to inform you
of grave repercussions.

The Russians are mobilizing
in East Germany.

They've threatened
to blockade West Berlin

unless the stealth fighter
is returned immediately.

I must know
the location of that jet.

- Sir, I...
- Where is it?

I...

"Four score and seven years ago,

"our fathers brought forth on
this continent a new nation..."

Having fun with this, General?

Think you can keep up
this charade indefinitely?

It's only a question
of time before you...

Time. All dead now. Never
had a chance, did they, huh?

♪ 99 bottles of beer on the ♪
♪ wall 99 bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of those bottles ♪

Where is it?

Oh, Javelin, Cuba. Cuba.

All dead now, all dead now.
Never had a chance.

Forget Cuba. Where's the jet?

"This above all,

"to thine own self be true.

"It follows,
as the night the day,

"Thou canst then not
be false to any man, any man."

Give him another injection.

Any more and we may lose him.

That's a risk
he'll just have to take.

Classified report 7961
to the Joint Chief of...

Would you shut up?

Operation code name, Javelin.

You've got three hours.

Considered dishonorable,
Stockwell...

And when I come back, you'd
better have a way to break him,

- or I'll break you.
- ...absolved

of all actions
considered dishonorable.

Okay, 0500 exactly.
Let's do it.

Guys, watch out
for the infrared sensors.

There's got to be
a switch here somewhere.

Hey, look, Faceman, here it is.

Got it.

Hey, hey, hey, check
this out. Let me see here.

Nothing.

Try that Russian.

Trigorin. Right.

Nothing!

Hurry up, man.
We ain't got all day.

Yeah, yeah,
all right, all right.

I got an idea.

Brown Fox.

Bingo! He's at
a psychiatric hospital.

Now! Let's get them
out of there.

Go, go, go!

No Stockwell, but we got a lead.
Coastal Psychiatric Hospital.

Okay. You and Frankie
go to UCLA

and trail Trigorin.

Murdock and I'll check out
this psychiatric hospital.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
This little doohickey says

I am perfectly
and sensationally sane.

I'm not going back
to any mental hospital.

Okay, Murdock, relax, relax.

Murdock, I'm only
asking you to pretend.

Okay.

♪ Strangers in the night ♪

♪ Exchanging glances ♪

♪ Lovers at first sight ♪

♪ What were the chances ♪

♪ We'd be sharing love ♪

♪ Before the night was through? ♪

Hey, driver, step on it!

♪ I'm gonna be late for a date ♪

Almost there, Mr. Sinatra.

I'm Dr. Buchannon.
I called earlier

about a room for my patient.

Let me see.

Hey, doll,
what's the big hold up?

I've got to get to
my dressing room

What is the name
of your patient?

Mr. Sinatra.
Mr. Frank Sinatra.

It's the Chairman of the Board
to you.

Give me a room
with a view, sweets

Send up a boy
with a bucket of ice

Dom Perignon would be nice

Hey, I got a show to do.
See you later.

See you on stage.

Call me irresponsible

I have never seen a patient in
such a deep state of delusion.

If there's any problem,
call me. Day or night.

When somebody loves you

It's no good unless he loves you

All the way

Your dressing room's ready,
Mr. Sinatra.

Listen, buttinski, I got a show
here, I got people to entertain.

You'll see them all
at the benefit.

The bellman will see you
to your suite.

Here, see that I get
a good room.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I'd like to leave you now
with one final thought.

Over the years, my research into the
human mind has taught me many things.

The most important being the
fact that few, if any of us,

ever reach our full
intellectual potential.

Why is this?

The major reason, in my
understanding, involves a word

which most people want to avoid.

That word is "fear."

I urge you to become bold
and courageous explorers

of new thoughts and ideas.

Let no fear stand in your way.

By transcending our fears, we discover
the richest rewards imaginable.

The true creative potential
of our own minds.

I promise you a grand and
glorious adventure. Thank you.

Frankie, come on, we're
supposed to be watching this guy,

not making him rich.

Between you and me, I think Hannibal's
been reading the wrong reviews.

This guy is a genius.

Look, he must be going
to the parking garage.

I'll get the car.
Frankie, don't lose him.

You got it.

Looking for something?

You know, you shouldn't
sneak up on people like that.

I was just trying
to get into my car.

I believe this is my car.

I must be on the wrong
parking level.

I got the same color XJ6.

Yeah.

They all look alike to me.

Well, I guess I better be shoving
off. It was nice meeting you.

Don't forget your books.

Oh, yes, right. Thanks.

Auto theft is not nice.

What are you trying
to do, m*rder me?

You shouldn't mess with this
Russian dude. He's a trained k*ller.

He sucker-punched me is all.

If I'd have gotten ahold
of him, he'd be dead meat.

You were like dead meat.

For a garden variety k*ller,
he writes an interesting book.

The guy's a phony. Trash it.

Hey, hey, hey.

Frankie, relax. You're
gonna really hurt yourself here.

Hannibal, how much longer does
Murdock need to stay in that hospital?

I don't know.

But the longer
they keep Stockwell,

the sooner they're gonna find out that
he doesn't know where we hid the jet.

And guess what's gonna happen
when Trigorin finds that out.

Man, I hope you're
on your game, Murdock.

♪ When I was 17 ♪

♪ It was a very good year ♪

♪ It was a very good year ♪
♪ for small town girls ♪

♪ And soft summer nights ♪

♪ We'd hide from the lights ♪

♪ On the village green ♪

♪ When we were 17 ♪

♪ When I was 21 ♪

♪ It was a very good year ♪

♪ It was a very good year ♪
♪ for city girls ♪

♪ Who lived up the stairs ♪

♪ With their perfumed hair ♪

♪ That came undone ♪

♪ When I was 21 ♪

♪ But now the days are short ♪
♪ I'm in the autumn of the year ♪

♪ And I think of my life ♪
♪ as vintage wine ♪

♪ From fine old kegs, ♪
♪ it poured sweet ♪

Listen, gentlemen...

Listen, gentlemen, I'm looking for the
auditorium. I've got songs to sing.

You want autographs?
Autographs, no problem.

All right, anybody got a pen?
No, you don't have a pen?

Here, buy yourself a pen.
Buy a couple pens.

♪ Fairy tales can... ♪

♪ Fairy tales can... ♪

♪ Fairy tales can... ♪

♪ At heart... At heart... ♪
♪ At heart... At heart... ♪

♪ Fairy tales can... ♪

♪ Fairy tales can... ♪

♪ Fairy... ♪

Listen, I wanna tell you something,
the hospitality around here stinks.

Better let me handle this.

Whatever you say, Doctor. But
this one is in permanent orbit.

♪ At heart... At heart... ♪
♪ At heart... At... ♪

You can't get out of here when
you're all wrapped up, Frank.

Let me tell you something, these old
blue eyes have been doing their job.

This hole is one big clip joint.

If it wasn't for my fans, I'd have
been out of this drink-water hole.

We are running out of time,
old buddy.

I like you, kid. You got a lot
of spunk. Let's take a stroll.

♪ Fairy tales can come true ♪

♪ It can happen to you ♪

There, you see,
Mr. Sinatra?

All your fans are waiting for
you. Nothing to worry about.

We've checked every floor.
Not a guard anywhere.

I tell you, there's a rat in this
operation. I can smell it a mile away.

♪ For as rich as you are ♪

We've missed it somewhere,
Murdock.

Wait a minute.

Start counting seconds,
start now.

One, scoobie-doobie-do. Two,
scoobie-doobie-do. Three, scoobie-doobie-do.

Eleven, scoobie-doobie-do.
Twelve, scoobie-doobie-do.

Well, what do you know?

I know I'm tired of saying
scoobie-doobie-do.

It takes two seconds
to go between each floor.

But between floors five and
six it takes four seconds.

Which means there's an unmarked
floor somewhere between.

And we're gonna get
on that floor.

Frankie,

I think we're standing on the
edge of something truly great here.

We're flying directly
over the target area.

We're holding steady at
10,000 feet, prepare to jump,

and go.

The ground is rushing towards
you. Faster and faster.

You reach for your ripcord.
You pull.

Nothing happens.
Your parachute malfunctions.

8,000 feet, you're dropping
straight down!

7,000 feet, 6,000 feet.

It's no use, Stockwell.

There's only one thing can
save you. Tell me where it is.

Now! Before it's too late.

No more of this.

Let's take another ride on an
airplane, shall we, General?

We can jump together, Ivan.

Cuba and Javelin, they
need our help, you know.

Shut up, Stockwell.

They're our friends.
They're our friends, now.

We can't let them down.
We can't.

I said shut up.

They've been very loyal.

We can't forget about them.
We can't forget about them.

Shut up!

Where is Javelin?

Where is Javelin?

You'll never get him to talk.

Where is Javelin?

No, Ivan. Don't listen to him.

Don't let him break you.

Liar.

You were the one
who sold them out.

Twenty-seven men and women,

the entire Javelin network,
all dead because of you.

All these years I thought
it was a bad dream.

If I had known then, I would
have k*lled you myself.

Where is it?

Where's the jet?

Tell me or you die right here.

Break, damn you.

If you knew the humiliation
I've been through.

It's an earthquake!

This is an emergency
earthquake evacuation.

All hospital personnel

please accompany patients
to a stairwell or an exit.

Do not use the elevators.

Bring him to the roof.

Up here, Murdock.

Back up.

No, Hannibal, let them go.

I've got something you want,
you've got something I want.

What do you say we make a deal?

What are you doing here?

He's selling you out.

Not really, General,
this is peace with honor.

That was a nice trick you pulled
at the hospital, Colonel Smith.

Any more tricks and you and
the General are both dead.

Relax, Trigorin. Without the General,
my men face a guaranteed death sentence.

You want the Russian jet,
we wanna live.

♪ Fly me to the moon ♪

♪ And let me play among the stars ♪

Hey, fool, shut up.

Mind your manners, Sammy, or
I'll have Dino throw you out.

Come on, we got 10 minutes,
man. We're in Double Red.

Come on, make this thing move.

I'm going as fast as I can, man.

Hey, boys and girls,
look at that.

And Springsteen thinks
he's the Boss.

Trigorin, make your
pilot put it down in the back lot.

Over there, just past
the Western Street.

A film studio?
You must be kidding, Smith.

Okay, B.A.,
turn in here.

How we gonna get in there?

Don't worry, I know this place
like the back of my hand.

In a moment
you'll see Western Street,

once one of the busiest
sets on the back lot.

Looks like they're on
a take right now,

so we'll keep our voices down.

Maybe you'll get a chance to see
one of your favorite movie stars.

There are several feature
films and television shows

in production at this time.

So keep your eyes open.

You never know what surprises
are in store on any given day,

here at
Hollywood Central Studios.

Come on, Smith, nobody in his right
mind would hide a jet in a film studio.

Oh, I don't know.

Take a look.

We'll never get it out of here.

Well, I told you
I'd show you where it was.

Getting it out of here,
that's your problem.

You're gonna hang
for this, Colonel.

Well, one day might come when
you will thank me, General.

That day might come very soon.

Go ahead, I'll cover you.

Trigorin's getting away.

Goodness, they must be
sh**ting a w*r movie over there.

To the right,
we have Tombstone Gulch.

Used for many of the exciting
sh**t in the TV series, Gunsmoke.

It almost looks real,
doesn't it?

I'm going after him.
Cover me.

Well, aren't
those stuntmen wonderful?

Okay, this is picture, folks.
Background, let's get it right this time.

Let's do it.

Out of the way.

Let's hear it for our
special effects department.

Boy, that looks real.

Hello, Brown Fox.

Where is it?
Tell me or you die.

You were the one
who sold us out.

The entire Javelin network.

Liar! Only one of us
is coming back.

Twenty-0seven men and women...

Don't listen to him.
Don't let him break you.

...are dead
because of you.

The subject is ready.

If I had known then,
I would have k*lled you myself.

If you knew the
humiliation I've been through.

I would have k*lled you myself.

Well, I guess that
takes care of Trigorin.

I won't sign
the death certificate

until after I sift
through the wreckage.

As for you, Colonel,
our deal's off.

You destroyed the jet, and I
intend to put you behind bars.

No, no, General.
Our deal is on.

The jet we destroyed
is a prop airplane.

The real one is stashed
outside of Barstow.

Want me to dial for you?

This is General Stockwell calling the
lce House for a voice print verification.

Alert canceled.

Repeat, alert canceled.

Condition green.
We're coming home.

- There he is.
- Come on. Hurry up.

I can't believe it's him.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we are proud to present

the greatest voice of our
time. The one, the only...

Relax, people.
Guess who's back

in town.