05x10 - Fast Money

[bunniefuu]

I nearly fell out
of my tree last night

listening to these little drops
pounding on the tile.

Chinese water t*rture.
Goes with apartment living.

- Leave it to the landlord.
- Not at these prices.

You know how long it's been?
How many calls to his office?

Hey, there you go. Now that's
better. That's more restful.

That's, uh, that's like
sleeping by a mountain stream.

You know, they hiked our rent
almost 20 percent last month.

Well, then we better
get back to work

so you can afford
a more affluent lifestyle.

[laughing]
Yeah, well, if this keeps up

I won't be able
to afford the bathroom.

[laughing]

[laughing]

- Hey, Charlie. How you doing?
- Don't tell me.

- Speeders on the second floor?
- No.

My showerhead has turned me
into a lunchtime plumber.

Charlene Ives, Jon Baker.

- Plumber's helper.
- Hi.

What's wrong with you?
You flunk out of law school?

Oh, just got a Valentine
from our landlord.

- Three day eviction notice.
- Three days?

Oh, I knew it was coming.

I just can't afford the new rent
on a daytime courier's pay

and I'm not dropping out of
law school now to work nights.

I've been trying to find another
place but you know how it is.

Well, look, when you find
a place, I have a truck.

A small truck,
but I'll be glad to help.

- CHP to the rescue?
- A stranger in need.

You're nice. Very nice.

- You're what?
- Nice, very nice.

Are you ready?

[dramatic music]

[glass shattering]

Docking complete.

Okay. Start it.

[engine starts]

[tires screeching]

[glass shattering]

Jon, look.

[music continues]

LA 15, Mary 3 and 4
in pursuit of reckless drivers

westbound,
San Diego Freeway at Santee.

Give me the money.
Give me your money.

Give me your money.

[music continues]

[theme music]

- Any injuries?
- Uh, luckily, nothing serious.

Mr. Samuelson
was carrying stock options

bonds, and treasury notes.

All negotiable.

Look, does it, uh,
take the whole A shift

to handle this situation?

We heard it go down
on the radio, sarge.

We had to see this
for ourselves.

Yeah, and right there is where
that clamp grabbed the doorpost.

Yeah, like something
out of science fiction.

Yeah, well,
I don't think this thing

was performed
for your entertainment.

If I am not mistaken,
you all have beats to patrol.

Now break this up
and get back to work.

Yup, that's where the clamp
grabbed the doorpost.

[chuckles]
This is right out
of science fiction.

- Heard it on the radio, huh?
- Had to come see for yourself.

Well, rank has its privileges,
boys.

Yeah.

Home sweet home.
Get the cutters.

Got 'em.
Alright, go ahead.

[grunts]
Great.

- We were lucky.
- Hey, it worked.

- But not well enough.
- Oh!

Oh, ho ho ho.

[telephone ringing]

George Selkirk. May I help you?

Guess who and guess what?

It's our policy to take the
guesswork out of investments.

I hope we've been of service.

[chuckles]
Your advice made it
all possible.

Was everything as you expected?

It's all here.
See you tonight?

Good, and if we see another
opportunity for you, we'll call.

Great.

Hey, man. Come on.

All you wanted
was enough cash to get us out

of this junkyard, right?

Oh, pardon me.
Reclamation center.

High-tech research lab,
whatever.

Oh, you're right,
if I had proper work space

and competent help,
I could get some of these ideas

off the drawing board
and into a patent office.

Okay, so cheer up.
We're one step closer.

Hey, look. We're off
the soy burger diet forever.

From now on,
it's filet mignon.

Listen, Gill, if that guy's car
had had just a little bit

more traction,
or if he'd kept his head

we'd be eating beans
out of tin trays right now.

Alright. If, if, if.

See, the machine worked
but just barely.

Oh, it's not the machine's
fault either. It's my fault.

Now I've gotta design
something better.

- Yeah.
- Better.

Okay, Ponch.
You can turn the main back on.

[Poncherello]
'Gotcha.'

Hey, you're pretty good
at this sort of thing.

I've fixed up different places.
I enjoy it.

Alright, Steve.
The water's on.

[chuckles]
Your troubles are over.

[Charlie]
'Ponch? Ponch, are you home?'

Yeah, in the bathroom.
Come on back.

Listen, I appreciate it.
Thanks a lot, man, okay?

- It's alright, any time.
- Alright.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi. Charlene Ives.

- Steve McLeish.
- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
- Did you get it fixed?

I think Steve found the trouble.

Didn't open your mail yet,
did you, Ponch?

No. I haven't had time.
Why? What's the matter?

Well, I'll save you the trouble,
every tenant in the building

got the same two letters.

"Dear, tenant.."
Da-da da-da da-da.

"Serves as formal notice that
240 Bayshore Drive is henceforth

"under the management
of the Real Estate Corporation

of West Los Angeles."

- He sold the building?
- Mm.

- It might be better off.
- Yeah.

You can get some things fixed.

Your trash compactor,
garbage disposal.

Hold it. Second letter.

It's from the Real Estate
Corporation, the new owner.

"Hereby notify.."
Da da da.

"Convert-converting all
apartments into condominiums."

A hundred and eighty nine
thousand.

Mmm.

Oh! Whoa! Whoa!

You know, it isn't fair,
but it's not uncommon.

They let the place run down,
and then they let the new owners

pick up the tab. No one seems
to care about the tenants.

Yeah, but I like this place,
man.

It's me.
Set up just the way I want it.

Now I gotta scrounge around
all over again.

I can tell you
some places not to look.

Well, couldn't the two of you
save a lot of time and energy

if you look together? I mean,
you're both in the same boat.

Yeah, but, uh, I work early
and sleep early.

She works late
and goes to night school.

You mean, the two of you aren't
dating or anything like that?

I'm just the girl down the hall.

Uh, dating me, I think.

Well, at any rate, we're hardly
ever here at the same time.

It would be too hard
to coordinate.

Couldn't one be looking
while the other one's working?

I've been evicted.
I don't have time.

Tomorrow, I've got to work late.
I'm a bonded courier, you know.

And Ponch works early.

Ponch, what if I didn't
have to go to a motel?

I mean, Steve is right.
We could work together.

If you let me sleep
on your couch

just for a few days
until we find me a place.

I don't have a lot of junk,
and I wouldn't get in the way.

Hey, if you're worried
about what people might say

I mean, come on,
this is the 1980s.

Well, yeah, but I..

Uh, two can live cheaper
than one.

- I'll pay while I'm here.
- Pay? Don't-don't be silly.

Half the rent. I insist.

- With full kitchen privileges.
- Deal.

Thanks for the idea.

Come on, I'll help you
get your things.

See ya.

That was really nice
of you to help her out.

Yeah, great, you get the thanks,
Jon gets the girl

and my bathroom
still doesn't work.

Eh.

Eh.

[intercom buzzing]

- Yeah?
- 'Courier service.'

That's him.

Greetings, partners.
You're both looking well.

It's all here, just like you
said. When do we divvy up?

Well, I can't cash these in
at an all-night market.

I told you, it will take
at least two weeks

to get it all fenced.

Besides, while this is
in the pipeline

we've got bigger and better
things to think about.

- You listening, Rado?
- I can hear.

He's taking the claw
apart again.

- You're taking it apart?
- Everything can be made better.

Can't you leave
well enough alone?

You might foul it up altogether.

I'm gonna change it altogether.
I've got a new design.

Next time, it's gonna work
so smooth

they won't even know
what hit them.

[clears throat]

Couriers don't make money
being late.

- I don't like it.
- Oh, don't be so hard on him.

Robbery victims gotta eat too,
you know.

There he is.

That's great. Come on.

[dramatic music]

Eating while driving.
Bad for the digestion.

Well, let's stop him
before he gets an ulcer.

[music continues]

[clanking]

[engine revving]

[music continues]

- What do you want?
- You know what I want.

Give me the bag.
Come on, just..

Don't, no, I'll give it to you.
I'll give it to you.

[music continues]

[siren wailing]

- Hey, we picked up a cop.
- I've got the satchel.

Just tell me
when you can hang a left.

[Gills]
'Now.'

[tires screeching]

[siren wailing]

- Are you okay?
- I guess so.

- What happened?
- I was gonna ask you.

I don't think I know.

Ponch and I did
a 20-block pattern search

and came up empty.

Well, it's the same van.
It has to be.

- You didn't see any claw?
- I said there what I saw.

Somehow that van had the courier
car completely under control.

I don't know how.
The courier doesn't know how.

But I think
he's right about one thing.

The wheels were off the ground.

Sounds like we're up
against a mechanical wizard.

Yeah, well, I wish
he'd do his hocus-pocus

on somebody else's turf.

Here you go, Ponch.
"Student special.

"Four flights up,
studio apartment

"Murphy bed, hot plate,
needs refrigerator, 585."

- That's too high.
- Five eighty five?

No, four flights up.

Well, that's the best I can do.
Here.

Ponch, I picked this up
in the valley.

I circled the ones I thought
you might be interested in.

- They're not cheap.
- Hey, nothing's cheap.

Betty found this one bargain
out near us, a remodeled garage.

They're looking
for a bachelor over 65.

Uh, at least you're a bachelor.

If you're interested,
they're willing to talk.

Uh, thanks, but I think
I'll just sling up a hammock

underneath the 405 Interchange.

See you later.

Hey, I hope you've been keeping

Charlie posted
on the courier bandits.

Oh, you bet. Yeah.

You know,
I'm really worried about her.

Are you gonna see her tonight?

Uh, we don't have a date.
You'll be seeing her.

Why don't you tell her
to call me, alright?

Yeah, sure. No problem.

Ponch, I hope you haven't
committed yourself

to anything yet 'cause I got
your answer right here.

The Renter's Compumax Service.
I subscribed to it for you.

Subscribed? How much?

See, it has apartment rentals
and subleases

for the entire tri-county area.

How much, Harlan?

It has this handy key
for pets

no pets, securities

shopping centers, fire hydrants,
neighborhood schools.

- Harlan--
- It comes out every Wednesday.

How much?

69.95 for 156 issues
and they give your money back

if you don't find a place
in three years.

Oh, brother.

You know, Harlan, he may
actually be in a better

financial position
if he stays where he is.

For $189,000?

Well, he could build up equity,
you know? Stabilize.

'He has more financial clout
than he thinks.'

Look, close out his savings
account, cash in his annuity

take out a low-interest loan
on his insurance, okay?

Then if he can wire
into a wraparound loan deal

with the seller and keep
his monthly payments below 1700.

Why, he'd have
a cash leftover of..

- Oh!
- Yeah, you got a problem there.

Fifty six dollars a month.

Well, he could brown-bag
his lunches.

Hey, maybe his parents
could help.

- Yeah. P-Ponch?
- He was here a minute ago.

Listen, some people don't
understand creative financing.

- You know?
- True.

Charlie?

Holy mackerel.

- Charlie.
- Hi.

I thought you said you brought
everything in here yesterday.

Oh, everything
from my apartment.

I had to vacate the storeroom
too. This is the last.

I'll just, uh, tuck this
away in the bathroom.

- Look, Charlie--
- Oh, I know.

It's a little crowded, I guess
but it's only temporary.

- Glad of that, aren't you?
- Yeah.

Look on the bright side, Ponch,
by the end of the month

you'll be kicked out of here
completely.

- 'Did you have a nice day?'
- That's beside the point.

I'm gonna find places
for everything

so there'll be nothing
in your way or mine.

Um, do you have any extra closet
space? I didn't wanna pry.

Look, Charlie, we gotta
have a little talk

about this arrangement.

I'm glad you brought that up.

Sit down.

Come on. Get comfortable.

- Oh. Oh, sorry. Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, watch the clothes.
- Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Now, everybody
has certain things

that really bug them, right?

I made a list of mine

and I think that
you should do the same

so we can avoid getting
on each other's nerves.

No arguments, no hurt feelings,
just an impersonal list.

Here's mine.

Then, I worked out how to share
the cooking time in the kitchen.

Shouldn't be hard because
we both eat at different times.

Here's your copy.

I have to have study time
for school.

I'll do that in the mornings
when you're at work.

For entertainment, I can
go out with Jon and you can..

...do whatever you like.

'I didn't pin down days off'

'because yours change
and so do mine.'

What do you think?

- Well..
- Just, uh, play it by ear?

- Why not?
- Great.

You know, Ponch, you're really
easy to get along with.

[instrumental music]

- Hello there.
- Hi.

Hey, Charlie. On the run?

Glendale and Thousand Oaks.
Soon as I change my clothes.

- Did you find a place yet?
- I haven't had time to look.

Now you know about the courier
bandit. Watch yourself.

Right.
See you tonight, Ponch.

I guess.

Light's green.

[phone ringing]

[telephone ringing]

Yeah? Okay.

Gotcha. Thanks.

It's an orange job.

Gonna be a cakewalk this time.
It's a woman.

Here she comes. Get to work.

[dramatic music]

Now.

[music continues]

Breaker, breaker, any policeman.

I'm a bonded courier traveling
north on Hoover and Ninth.

I think I'm being robbed.

[woman on radio]
'Units in position, a possible
courier bandit robbery'

'in progress, northbound
Hoover and Ninth.'

Let's have it, sister.

Let's have it, sister.

- Let's have it, sister--
- Get it yourself!

Okay. Now give me the bag.

[glass shattering]

[grunting]

[siren wailing]

Hey, cops, Rado. Hurry up.

I'm letting her loose.

- Are you hurt?
- I don't think so.

- Come on.
- Oh, the satchel.

- Come on!
- Good, that's it.

[expl*si*n]

[dramatic music]

Is this courier okay?

Jon went with her
to turn in the satchel.

Well, old saying.
Third time's a charm.

I think these ingenious g*ons
have engineered themselves

into a trap if we can
find a way to spring it.

Well, what kind of a trap?

Well, every courier
that they've hit on

has been delivering to,
from, or for the same exchange.

- Breen & Wabash.
- They got an inside man.

Has to be. Now if we could
just find one person--

- Sarge, I think we have one.
- At Breen & Wabash?

Yeah, a friend of mine
works there.

Yeah, but can he get
permission to cooperate?

He's chairman of the board.

- Hey.
- Want me to call him?

[laughing]
Be my guest.

Okay.

[chuckling]

[clears throat]

- Excuse me.
- File these, huh?

Yes, sarge.

Hey, here's one
I do not believe.

"Section 6, article 14.

"No one is allowed to drive
an automobile in the state

unless preceded by a gentleman
on foot carrying a red lantern."

- Must mean after dark.
- Doesn't say so.

What are you guys doing?

Legal firm of Grossman,
Baricza, Turner, and Clark.

Preventing condominium
conversion's our specialty.

We're going after that outfit
that bought your building.

Well, hey,
I appreciate the effort.

I made an appointment
to see the guy face-to-face

but the way he sounded, I don't
think there's much of a chance.

Much we don't need,
just one little precedent.

Good. I hope you find it.
Let me know.

Hey, where do they keep
the sectional surveys?

The county assessor's office.

- Hey, that's a good idea.
- That's terrific.

- Hey, Ponch.
- Hi, Steve. How you doing?

Good, here's that address
I was telling you about.

- You want it?
- Oh, great, yeah.

Listen, I can meet you here,
okay?

- Alright.
- Poncherello, McLeish.

No doubt you're aware
of the dangerous desperados

wreaking havoc on our streets
with their vile devices

and their rotten vans.

He means the bad guys.

If there's one thing
I can't stand

it's the misuse
of mechanical genius.

Yeah, well,
we're trying to catch them.

Yes, well, I can help.

I-I'd like to customize a car.
Guess how.

Speed, power, stability

special handling,
traction, pickup, braking.

[laughing]
You'll never guess.

What else is there?

You meet me tomorrow
and I'll show you.

[laughing]

Uh, you sure
you're gonna be okay?

Oh, sure.

For a girl
who almost toasted alive

I'm in a pretty good mood.
Thanks to you.

I think I'll take a little nap

and then maybe
catch the bus to school.

Maybe I could borrow
Ponch's car.

Uh, look, Charlie,
uh, do you think

you'll have some time
tomorrow afternoon?

Sure. Why?

Oh, I thought
I'd drive you around

and help you look for a place.

Oh, we're okay here
till the end of the month.

Charlie, this isn't fair
to Ponch.

I mean, this is his place.

Well, it's just as bad for me
as it is for him.

- And I am paying half the rent.
- I-I know.

I was there
when you made the deal but..

...he was kind of forced
into it.

Well, what I mean is,
he won't complain to you.

I mean, it's awkward
and it's gonna get worse.

Oops. Sorry, folks, uh,
I gotta change my clothes.

Just passing through.
In the bedroom.

See what I mean?

How can I argue with the guy
who saved my life?

See you later.

See you later, Ponch.

[Poncherello]
'Hey, Jon, if you're not
doing anything'

'wait for me.'

Why not?

Are you sure this is the street?

Yeah, according to Steve's note.

It can't be. Look at the size
of those houses.

There it is, 94.

Hi. Come on in.

Hey, we thought
we had the wrong address.

I was looking
for an apartment building.

What is this?
A rooming house?

- No.
- A rooming mansion?

Hey, come on.
It's just a house. Let's go in.

- Alright.
- Alright.

Hey. Now, this is nice.

- Real nice.
- What do you use for furniture?

Oh, it's unfurnished. Hey,
come on. I'll show you upstairs.

- Uh, what's upstairs?
- Four bedrooms, two baths.

- Big.
- Oh!

Uh, no beds?

Nah, I told you
it was unfurnished.

Oh, well, see,
I-I was thinking of a place

where I could crash
till Charlie moves out of my pad

and I find a new place
to hang my helmet.

Right, but, uh, you know
I thought if we could get

some chairs, and maybe with a
sleeping bag and some candles..

Oh, that's something
to think about, that's true.

If worse comes to worse,
just knowing that it's here

I feel more secure, okay?

- Uh, whose is it?
- It's mine.

Well, ours.

My brothers are in it with me
but I handle it.

How did you get it?

I traded it
for a house in Bermuda

that I got
for a little freighter

that I sold to a guy in Kuwait.

Oh!

Let's just keep this between us.

- It's no big deal.
- Yeah, sure. No problem.

What did you do, Steve?
Inherit a fortune or something?

No, just bought low
and sold high.

Huh.

[clears throat]

Well, looks like you're on your
way to becoming a wealthy man.

Maybe, once I liquidate.

Or else make a mistake
and lose my shirt.

[laughing]
Well, Steve, thanks a lot.

Um, I'll talk to you after
my meeting with my landlord.

Yeah.
Uh, guys, uh, one second.

Uh, I get my paycheck tomorrow
and I was wondering

maybe if one of you
could lend me a few bucks.

The equipment works
like a charm, man.

I mean, we proved that twice.

Everything's out of my pocket.

I-I need something back.

Only we know which courier
we're going for.

- They can't watch them all.
- I know.

I know we have to have
one big score

but I know they have
to have warrants on me

for felony hit and run.

Okay.

If I can finger a shipment
as rich as the one

we lost with that girl,
would you go for that?

Trust me.

Yes, sir, sarge.
I'm really proud of this one.

This is one of my more
innovative creations.

- Cute, huh?
- Oh, yeah. It's real cute.

And I wouldn't kick the tires.
They're solid.

- Oh!
- Go ahead. Nudge it.

- What?
- Go ahead. Rock it.

[grunts]

[chuckles]
It's like
trying to rock Gibraltar.

Yeah!

It's loaded
with six tons of lead.

Double disc
non-fade power brakes.

Heavy-duty high-load
aircraft shocks on all four.

'It's simple,
when they try and lift you'

you're gonna lift them,
and that's not all.

A special accessory package.

A grappling hook?

[Harlan]
'Yeah, after the van's wheels
leave the ground'

toss in the hook,
and we got them.

That's a favored w*apon
of the Imperial Roman Navy.

Once you snag an enemy with
one of those, he never escapes.

[laughs]
Well, that's wonderful, Harlan,
but, uh, what do I do with it?

Well, you know
these courier bandits?

Whoa. Wait a minute. Hold it.

[chuckles]
If you're going to suggest
that I set up

a fake delivery
from the stock exchange..

Uh, using this car
to make the run?

And give one of my men
permission

to impersonate the courier?

[chuckles]
You must think
I'm losing my marbles.

Why would I think a thing
like that?

Because I think
I'm going to do it.

Imperial Roman Navy, huh?

[Gilbert]
'Uh, hold it, hold it, hold it.'

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Now, I just took out
a construction loan

at 18 and a half percent

and now you tell me
I can't excavate

because of a couple
of oak trees?

I don't care
if they're 150 years old.

Since when am I supposed to
worry about elderly oak trees?

And they're standing right
where the racquetball court

is supposed to go
with that--

'Oh! Oh!'

Uh-huh. Court order, huh?

Well, a court order.

Oh, alright, well, uh,
uh, we'll k*ll the racquetball

and we'll keep the brush,
and we'll call it the, uh

uh, The Green Oak Hideaway.

You're the lawyer.
You figure it out.

Lawyers.

Alright, where were we? Uh..

Oh, yes, uh,
we're human beings here.

We appreciate the hardships
some of the tenants at, uh

"240 Bayshore" must endure
as we convert to condominiums.

We're assigning an executive
to help those who can't afford

to stay with us
find, uh, new accommodations.

Mr. Strum,
for some of those people

it's the only home
they've ever known.

We're in the home business,
Mr. Poncherello, Miss Ives.

We're stockholders. Hard-working
people just like yourself.

If we made no profit
from that property, they'd have

every right to demand new
officers now, wouldn't they?

Uh, I think what's bothering
most of us is the short notice.

Our attorneys assure us
that we're proceeding

fully within the letter
of the law, Miss Ives.

If you find our representative
is unable to help you

in your relocation,
you be sure to call on me.

[telephone buzzing]

Yeah?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Uh, yes, send them in.

Mr. Strum, I'm Officer Clark.
This is Officer Grossman.

We're acting as tenant advocates
for the residents

at 240 Bayshore. Officer
Grossman's our spokesperson.

- Nice to meet you, sir.
- Yes, well, get on with it.

- I'm a very busy man.
- Very well, sir.

I think we found a little flaw
in your condominium plans.

How many units do you have
in that building?

- We have 60 units.
- Thank you, sir.

And you're required
to have two parking spaces

per unit, is that correct?

- We have it--
- We have it documented, sir.

Are you trying
to tell me my business--

If you're thinking about
building a parking structure

which we're forced to assume
you intend to do

you do not have the room
required

as Officer Grossman
will show you.

On this chart--

On this chart, a surveyor

probably yours,
has used the wrong mark.

Right.

Don't have enough room.

The customer who arrived
in the vehicle I described

he's leaving.

[telephone buzzing]

Yes.

Thanks.

Switchboard says it's desk 12.
George Selkirk.

- Right behind you.
- Okay. Thank you.

Uh, I don't understand.

Well, you see,
you're under arrest.

Here he comes.

[dramatic music]

- You got him?
- Yeah.

If Selkirk's right,
this one's worth a half a mil.

I hope so. I've got this great
idea for robbing armored cars.

Now.

[music continues]

Police.

Stop the vehicle!
Police!

[music continues]

[music continues]

Halt!

- Hands on top of your head.
- Alright, alright.

We got 'em.
Hook, line, and sinker.

Yeah.

You invent a way
to get us out of these?

- I'll think about it.
- You'll have plenty of time.

- Let's go.
- Let's go.

At least I know
I can stay here now.

Yeah, thanks
to our in-house law firm.

Yeah, but I might have moved
into that house of Steve's

and saved my rent for a whole
year till he sold the place

and have a pretty big bankroll
to invest.

[sighs]
But on the other hand..

There's no place like home.

You said it.

Hey, everything's gone.

Charlie tell you
she was leaving?

Oh, excuse me, guys.
Forgot my drying rack.

Hey, Charlie,
why didn't you tell us you--

Oh, hey, Steve,
we were just talking about you.

Well, I'm helping Charlie move.

Yeah, but wait a minute,
she can, uh

keep her own apartment now.

Yeah, her boss gave her a bonus

for saving that satchel
from the bandits.

That's right,
Charlie, you're not moving out

of the building, are you?
We won.

I know, but Steve has this
perfectly darling mansion.

Three of my girlfriends and I
are going to move in.

We can help him fix the roof,
paint the place, guard it

and all we have to pay
are the utilities.

We can save all our rent for,
say, a year till he sells

the place and think of all
the money we'll have to invest.

Yeah, quite a bit.

So, thanks for everything,
Ponch. See you guys.

See you guys.

- Well, there goes a mansion.
- Yeah.

- There goes a girlfriend.
- Yeah.

[crashing]

And there goes my shower.

[theme music]