01x05 - Tombstone

[bunniefuu]

Class!

Class!

Class!

This is Mohammed.

His family is from Iraq.

He just flew in from the Gulf w*r.

We're from Palestine actually,
but I was born in Kuwait.

Okay, class, let's welcome Mohammed…

From…

Pakistan.

- Palestine.
- Why are you wearing a bow tie?

Your behavior is beyond me.
Go ahead and take your seat.

Okay, all right.

Your momma's so stupid,
she thought a quarterback was a refund.

Oh!

Oh, yeah? Your momma's so fat
she uses a VCR for a pager.

Oh!

Your momma's so stupid,
she sat on the TV to watch the couch.

Oh!

Your family's so poor, I walked into your
house and said, "It's chilly outside."

Your momma walked out
with a bowl and a spoon!

Oh!

- What're you laughing at?
- Me? Nothing.

- Are you making fun of me?
- Sorry, I don't speak Spanish.

- Are you messing with me, punk?
- I don't speak Spanish!

- Wow, no jiggling, he's solid.
- Fight, fight, fight!

Fight, fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight!

Mo!

- Mo!
- Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

- Get off of my brother.
- Wow, bro, she's dragging you.

Stop.

Get outta here!

- Mo?
- Nadia?

You okay? Oh, my God. Come on.

-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-

So what's the background for that?
Horowitz?

She's Polish, Mama.

You couldn't find a Palestinian lawyer.
You had to hire this Polish woman?

If you want her
to take her shoes off, say so.

Modad would never come in with shoes on.

She says she loves your hair.

Thank you.

She wants you to take your shoes off,
and she wishes you weren't Polish.

- That's not what she said.
- It's fine. I'm… I'm so sorry.

I wasn't…

Of course. I wasn't thinking. Sorry.

Oh, thank you.

Is the deed for the Kuwait house in here?

No, my sister Nadia has that.
She used it for her case.

- Why is she filing separately?
- She does everything separately.

Oh, was she estranged?

It's complicated.

She married a White man! From Canada.

- Stop!
- Oh…

Well, it'd make it a lot easier
if we could get it back.

- We really need it as soon as possible.
- Okay.

She takes her shoes off
and then she puts her feet on the couch?

She really loves your eyebrows.

She said you took your shoes off,
but put your feet on the couch.

Enough. Stop.

- Enough.
- Enough.

Joking.

Lots of jokes.

It's not borrowing
if you never bring it back, Nadia.

What do you mean you're busy?
You don't even work!

No, that's not gonna work for me.

Fine, I'll go to Galveston.

May God forgive me.

Amor, if you didn't always yell at her,
maybe she'd show a different side.

Nothing's easy with Nadia.

She married a Canadian for American
citizenship. Explain that to me.

You can marry an American
to become an American citizen,

and you're choosing not to.
Explain that to me.

Are you converting? Repeat after me,

I bear witness there's no God
but Allah, and I bear witness...

Okay, okay!
I'm kidding!

If we get married our first son
will be named Adam?

- What's wrong with Adam?
- Nothing wrong.

It's a beloved name. It's amazing.

It's what American Arabs call their kids
when they sell out.

It's much easier to pronounce
than Abbas Khalid Abubakar.

It's the "ahs," "has," and "haks"
that trick up everybody.

- You go by "Mo" instead of "Mohammed."
- It's a completely different situation.

There's a lot of nicknames for "Mohammed."
At home, they call me Hamoodi.

Back home, they call me
"Hammada," "Abo Hammed."

We're not talking about me. It's Nadia
who married outside the culture.

I'm outside your culture.

What are you saying?
Arabs were in Spain for 700 years.

If we did a cheek swab,
it'd probably come up 30% Arab.

A lot of Spanish words come from Arabic.

Pants, pants.
Sugar, sugar. Underwear, underwear.

Burritos, shawarma.

Pita bread, tortilla.
Both flat, delicious, puffy.

Corn tortillas need to go though.
They're rubbery and horrible.

But they gotta be super fresh.
Gotta agree with me on that...

I'm serious. All this talk
about having six kids.

That was all bullshit?
It's a problem for you now.

- Habibti, it's not a problem for me.
- But it is for your mom.

It's not that,
you know, complicated.

It's not something else.

That's the real problem.

We'll talk about this some other time.

- Gotta go to Galveston. I'll take this...
- Give me my tortilla.

- These eggs too.
- They're not even done.

Yeah, they are, baby. I love them
soft scrambled. I love you.

Cinna-maple, great choice.

Its blend of savory and sweet
will melt your taste buds.

- Salaam aleikum.
- Aleikum salaam.

I was wondering,
is your chicken halal?

No, unfortunately not.

- But we have fantastic fries and corn...
- That's okay, maybe next time. Um…

Thank you, though.

Hey, uh…

Um…

What are you doing, Sameer?

Uh, don't worry, Curtis.

It's all being documented.

Yeah, uh, I think purchase orders
are usually approved first.

You know, by actual vendors.

It's called initiative, Curtis.
I'm going on lunch.

Man, I don't… I don't know if…

Are you sure you…

And he's gone.

Oh, boy.

Mo, hi! Salaam aleikum!

- No, we don't do that. W'aleikum salaam.
- Good to see you!

- You can keep your shoes on, Mo.
- No, that's gross.

Oh, okay. Well, come on in. Come on in.

- What the hell is that?
- An African cape buffalo.

Funny story,
I actually got it from the Bushes. They...

- Osama, Habibi!
- Uncle Mo!

Osama, what's up, bro?
Man, you're getting so big!

- Almost as big as me.
- Not really.

- So you're gonna quiz me?
- Where's our family from?

- Burin.
- Solid, when is Eid?

- Changes every year.
- That's right.

- What does your name mean in Arabic?
- Lion.

Did you know there are
100 ways to say lion in Arabic?

- Well, it's 300.
- When was the prophet's first migration?

- I ask the questions.
- Are you done interrogating my son?

You mean educating? Hello.
Looking good. Good to see you too.

- No, I don't have time for this sh*t.
- Whoa, whoa, language. We...

Bob, please, will you take Osama
to the game? I'll get the snacks.

- What about the deed?
- Bob, really, I got it.

Okay, sorry I didn't mean to interfere...

- Stop apologizing.
- Stop apologizing. You're not in Ottawa.

- Okay.
- Nice teeth, Bob.

- Thanks. We got good dental.
- Sure you do.

- He's making fun of you.
- No, he's not.

- I need the deed.
- I don't have it.

Oh, you don't have it?

Oh, God forbid your family gets asylum.

I didn't drop everything because
you called an hour ago demanding it.

- After the game.
- You're going to the game, right Uncle Mo?

Of course! Why do you think
I'm dressed in your colors?

- See you throw them out from shortstop.
- I'm a pitcher.

That's right. Throw strikes.
Get them out.

Let's go, Osama!

- How's Sameer?
- He's great. He didn't sell out like you.

Come on, ump, you hitting the sauce?
What? You smoking Indica?

You're falling asleep over here!

Don't pretend you don't smoke weed
with that ponytail!

- Sorry, guys.
- How long have you been with Maria?

Don't bring up my girlfriend.
You don't know anything.

How's your situation
any different from mine?

You kidding?
Maria is Mexican. She's basically Arab.

Only thing whiter than Bob is his teeth.
He's like human whiteout.

Make a boo-boo on your paper,
just…

Rinse it right out.
Plus, Maria will convert.

Ball!

You son of a whore!
Stuff this in your ass!

You're embarrassing us.

They can't understand me.

You keep acting like I turned
my back on the family.

Has it ever once occurred to you that
the family turned its back on me?

Bullshit. You didn't show up
to Dad's funeral.

I was camping with Bob.

I didn't have cell service.
I didn't find out until a week later.

I… I didn't know.

Those last few months before he d*ed,
we weren't even talking.

He was so angry about Bob.

Don't even try and f*cking guilt me.
I have enough as it is.

Can't even bring myself
to visit his grave.

You haven't been there?

Maybe he would have come around
the way Mom has.

- I thought you guys were barely talking.
- We talk a lot now.

- She told me about your tattoo.
- And the sh**ting?

The what?

She told you about my tattoo
but not getting sh*t?

You got sh*t?

It was a graze.

What?

It's okay, Osama.

We're just here to have fun, eh?

Damn.

It's okay. We'll get them next time.

Hey, Mo, only players and coaches
allowed on the field.

- Relax, Bob.
- Who the f*ck is that?

- What's going on, habibi?
- I don't know. Just off today.

That's the Canadian in you.
You're Palestinian.

The one thing you can do
is throw accurately.

Imagine there's a t*nk coming at you.

- There's a guy driving from a distance...
- Okay. Time to skedaddle.

- Take it easy, one second.
- Come on. Hey.

Your name is Osama.

- Get off the field! We wanna play!
- One second.

Get off the field!

They're throwing tear gas at you,
grab it, and throw it back at them...

- Time to skedaddle.
- Hold on, Bob!

- Your name is Osama. A lion.
- Come on!

- Channel that lion.
- Yeah.

- You're a lion, buddy.
- You want a lion? I'll show you a lion!

I can't have every parent
and uncle on the field,

undermining my authority
whenever they have an opinion.

These are my players, my team, mine!

When I tell you to skedaddle,
you have to f*cking skedaddle, eh!

- I'm proud of you, Bob.
- Okay, thanks.

- That's a lot of toonies in the swear jar.
- I'm sorry.

- It's okay, bro. Doing great.
- Okay. Thanks.

- What did you say to him?
- A little uncle pep talk.

Bob…

Grew a pair of nuts today.
It's nice. I like him.

Oh!

- Oh, sh*t.
- Oh, sh*t.

Osama just hurt my son!

Why, Osama, why?

You're out of here!

I tried stopping him.
I was trying to stop him. I was…

- This is all that's in here.
- Yeah.

Oh, hey, Damon.

- I'm glad you're here...
- This is a joke, right?

What?

You, taking 200 dollars
from the register to buy…

- Chicken?
- No, it's halal.

- "Ha la la"?
- Yeah, halal.

No, you just decided to...

I realized we could get higher
quality chicken at a similar value,

and at the same time
expand our customer base.

I decided to take initiative because
that's what you said. Take initiative.

By stealing from the register?
What the f*ck is wrong with you?

I didn't steal.
No, I didn't steal. I just, uh…

- The note...
- Yeah, I got it.

Here, look. I got the change.

- This is all that's left?
- Yeah, plus the receipt.

Thank you.

- You're fired.
- No, no, no. I, I…

Just get the f*ck out of here, okay?

Just get the f*ck outta here, okay?

- Honestly.
- Get the f*ck outta here, okay?

Hey, seriously, are you okay, bro?

He's fine.
He's lucky I don't call the cops.

You good, bro?

Sameer?

Hey, calm down, buddy.
Hey, It's okay, bro.

Ah!

Get the f*ck outta here, okay?

Just get the f*ck outta here.

Just get the f*ck outta here.

No, Sameer. Please. Just go…

Sam… I…

Sameer.

Come on. Hey, open up, buddy.

You're sorry, right?
You should shake his hand.

That would be nice.

Unbelievable.
How can I trust you with my kid?

You talk to him for two seconds,
and he's accused of a hate crime.

Nobody could see
the yarmulke under his helmet.

That's not the point.
He could get kicked out of the league.

With his genetics, he's more suited
to playing ice hockey or that…

Curling sh*t where they do that.

I'm getting a call.

- Yeah, Habibi?
- Ha… Hamoodi…

Ha… ha… halal chicken.

What?

Um…

Trouble… trouble at work.

Sameer, open the door, now!

Look, I'll be right there.
I'll drop you off, and I'll get Sameer.

- He's my brother too, I'm coming.
- Don't you have some soccer-mom sh*t?

I wish I was a soccer mom.
I f*cking hate baseball.

Get the f*ck outta here, okay?

- Hey! Where's Sameer?
- What's going on?

- He locked himself in the bathroom.
- Why? What did you do to him?

I…

- He fired him for buying halal chicken.
- With money he stole from the register.

My brother does not steal.

- Sameer?
- Habibi, Sameer.

Habibi, it's me. You can come out. Yalla!

Is the police there?

- Damon said he called the police.
- You called the police on my brother?

No, of course not.

- An illegal with Asperger's?
- Are you a psychiatrist now?

- You work at Chick'n Cone.
- He's clearly on the spectrum.

I don't wanna hear this from…
failed skateboarder. Habibi!

What does he owe you
that you have to bully him?

I didn't bully him, but it's 200 dollars.

- Habibi, Nadia's here too.
- Take it all.

Hi, Sameer. You're safe now.

Sameer, come out.

There's someplace we need to go
all three of us together.

Got enough room in your car
for 30 pounds of halal chicken?

Yeah, of course. Mom's gonna make
maqluba and mloukhieh and…

Gourmet cat food for Crystal.

For Crystal?

Yeah.

All right.

- Where are we going?
- Someplace special. Come on.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You…

f*ck you.

You're a piece of sh*t.

- Did he just thr*aten to finger bang me?
- I think so.

Peace and blessings
upon you, people of the grave.

- How are you feeling? You okay?
- Hungry.

- We'll go get a bite after.
- Okay.

Over here.

Peace and blessings upon you,
people of the grave.

It's right here.

- Where?
- Here, here.

It's right of the left tree.
Left center of the middle tree. Here.

- Uh, there's no headstone.
- Yeah, that's how we know he's here.

- Why didn't you get him a headstone?
- I don't know, I was 12, Nadia.

I was too busy worrying about biology
and asking Allie out.

- Who's Allie?
- Remember her?

I had a crush on her in 7th grade.
She broke my heart.

We could be standing on him.

Don't be ridiculous.
We're not standing on him.

Actually, we might be standing on him.
Step back a little bit.

- Here. That's good.
- In the Name of Allah.

- Habi, why don't you lead the prayer?
- Okay.

It'll be nice. It will cleanse your heart.
It was a rough day.

In the Name of Allah.

Um, O Allah! Let those of us to whom
you have given life, live in Islam,

and…

- And…
- Take your time. No rush.

And let those of us...

Peace be upon the inhabitants
of this place among believers and Muslims.

Soon we will join you, Allah willing.

I ask Allah to keep us,
and you, safe and sound.

In the Name of Allah,
the Gracious, the Merciful.

- Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds…
- Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds…

♪ I fly away ♪

♪ Seasons in my dreams ♪

♪ But you wanna go home for now ♪

♪ You fly away less than each day ♪

♪ Because you wanna go home ♪

♪ And I fly away, seasons might change ♪

♪ But you want to go home for now ♪

♪ You fly away less than each day ♪

♪ But you're never going ♪

♪ Never gone, never gone ♪

♪ Never gone, never gone ♪