05x13 - Is There a Traitor in the House?

[bunniefuu]

Mama Bear calling Papa Bear.

Come in, Papa Bear.

Mama Bear calling Papa Bear.

Go ahead, Mama Bear.

Please stand by for an urgent
message from headquarters.

Roger, Mama Bear.

Andrew, get Colonel Hogan.

Hey, what are you doing?

Mama Bear, this is Papa Bear.

Come in, please.

Go ahead, Papa Bear.

Would you try and locate
my girlfriend for me?

Her name is Rita Nottington.

She used to live in
Tottenham Court Road.

She's blonde, 36, 24, 36.

Sorry, we cannot use the
air for personal messages.

Do me a favor...
You're just jealous.

Why should I be?

I'm 38, 24, 36.

Some Mama Bear.

All right, what's the
urgent message?

Newkirk was trying
to get word to a girl

with a very bad figure.

A bad figure?

My grandmother is 36, 24, 36.

What's up?

Mama Bear wants us to stand by.

Hey, what's that?

What's what?

Sounds like bombers.

Yeah, must be Lancasters
and Wellingtons.

A few of my old RAF mates

just dropping a
few calling cards

on the Krauts tonight.

Mama Bear calling Papa Bear.

Come in, Papa Bear.

Go ahead, Mama Bear.

Headquarters wants
information on a secret factory

they think has been
established in your area.

What kind of information?

What kind of information
is needed, Mama Bear?

The type of plant, its location

and its antiaircraft defenses.

Tell them we're
way ahead of them;

I just got this from
the underground.

It's a secret ball bearing plant

ten miles south of Hammelburg.

We have the information
you need, Mama Bear.

Go ahead with the
information, Papa Bear.

Newkirk, do you
get the Purple Heart

if you're wounded by an ally?

Knock it off, Carter.

Papa Bear, this is Mama Bear.

Come in, Papa Bear.

Give her the information, Kinch,

while I go find us a foxhole.

Uh, I don't think
I can, Colonel.

Why not?

Papa Bear, this is Mama Bear.

Urgent we get that information.

Repeat, urgent.

What do we do now, Colonel?

We've got to figure another way

to get that
information to the RAF.

Why should we help them

when they just
declared w*r on us?

Let's go, outside!

Come on! Let's go!

Quiet, everybody!

Hey, Schultz...

What's this all about?

I know nothing.

Come on, it's
time to go to sleep.

Yeah, the Red Cross

is going to hear
about this, Schultz.

It's past my bedtime.

Klink is going to get

a nasty letter from
my governess.

Quiet!

Quiet, everybody!

And now a word...

from Colonel Klink.

In line with the Führer's policy

of fair treatment
for all the prisoners,

we are going to provide
you with a little entertainment.

It's about time.

I hope it's Eva Braun

and her all-girl orchestra.

Maybe it's Rudolf Hess

and his parachute act.

It could be Hermann Göring

and his dancing bear.

Hermann Göring
is a dancing bear.

Quiet!

Quiet, everybody!

You understand?!

It's nice to see that you're all
in such a good humor tonight.

I was hoping you
would be receptive.

Don't keep us in
suspense, Commandant.

What's the entertainment?

You are going to
have the pleasure

of listening to a very
popular radio program.

Oh, boy, I hope
it's Myrt and Marge.

Schultz, turn on the speaker.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

This is Berlin Betty.

I have a special invitation

to some of you wonderful
boys at Stalag 13.

On these cold winter nights,

wouldn't you love to
snuggle up with me?

Oh, yeah, sure.

She's not getting me

up to her apartment,

no matter what she says.

We could get together in
front of a nice, warm fireplace

with a bottle of wine,

and all you'd have to
do is make a little speech.

I think it's time you told
your brothers-in-arms

how you really feel...

That you know
the w*r is hopeless.

You didn't tell us

it was going to be a
comedy show, Commandant.

If you want to be with me,

just contact your
P.O.W. commander.

He will make arrangements

for us to spend some
glorious moments together.

Good night, Liebchen.

I wish I could tuck you in.

She makes good sense, Hogan.

Yeah, I'd certainly
like her to tuck me in.

Herr Kommandant?

What is it?

I want to lay down my g*n

and surrender.

Schultz, she's talking
to the prisoners!

She said it was a message

for the boys at Stalag 13.

We certainly consider
Schultz one of the boys.

Yeah, Colonel
Hogan's right, Schultz.

If you want to
surrender, surrender.

Schultz.

Schultz!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Dismissed!

Colonel Hogan, I think

that you and your
men would do very well

to listen to Berlin
Betty's advice.

Yeah, she is very
persuasive, sir.

Oh, I'm sure she's convinced

many of your comrades
to come to their senses.

I just hope she isn't
heard in London.

She could ruin
morale over there.

For your information, Hogan,

we broadcast Berlin
Betty to London every night

just after the cricket scores.

Dis... missed!

I'm sorry to hear she
broadcasts to London.

The English are
so easily taken in.

Tell that to Napoleon.

LeBeau may be right.

You don't believe that, Colonel.

No, but I think
the Krauts might.

Is Commandant Klink in, Hilda?

Oh, no, he's not...

But he should be
back any minute.

We'll wait.

Sit down, Newkirk.

Schultz, could we wait

in the Colonel's office?

I-I don't want the
others to see me here.

Oh, certainly.

Thank you.

I don't understand you, Newkirk.

Why don't you want the
other prisoners to know

that you want to see
Commandant Klink?

You're not the first one to
complain about the food.

Schultz, I'm not here

to complain about the food.

You're not?

No.

Oh... but I was counting on you.

The food has
been terrible lately.

I know that.

So, why do you want
to see the commandant?

I want the commandant

to arrange an appointment

for me and Berlin Betty.

Berlin Betty! Shh.

You want to see Berlin Betty?

Yeah.

Last night when
I heard her talk,

she made a lot of sense.

I would lay down my
g*n for her anytime.

Newkirk, you know better

than to come to my office

to make a complaint.

Send it through Colonel Hogan.

Dismissed!

Excuse me, Herr Kommandant,

but Newkirk does
not want to complain.

He wants to make an
appointment with... Berlin Betty.

What?

You want an appointment
with Berlin Betty?

Oh, what did you go
and tell him for, Schultz?

I wanted to surprise him.

Oh, Newkirk...

Congratulations!

You made a wise decision.

Thank you, sir.

Frankly, I knew it
would be an Englishman,

not a Frenchman or an American.

Fortunately, you
come from a country

that has no pride.

There was just one thing, sir.

I would like this to remain

our little secret.

I know nothing.

Your secret is safe with me.

Fräulein Hilda, get me
Herr Goebbels in Berlin.

Goebbels?

Oh, yes, I want to
tell the good news

to the propaganda
minister personally.

Uh, sir, just a minute.

I don't want any fuss made.

I don't want any medals
or anything like that.

I'm offering to do this to save
the lives of my countrymen.

Did you hear that, Schultz?

There's a man with heart.

Herr Kommandant, I made
the same offer last night.

Hello?

Ja, Herr Goebbels?

This is Colonel Klink
speaking, of Stalag 13.

No, no... no, sir,
not "Klunk," "Klink."

We'll be the judge of that.

What I called about,
Herr Goebbels, was that...

Don't forget to tell Goebbels

about the bad stew
and the moldy bread, sir.

Bad stew?

Oh.

Hello?

Operator?

We must have been disconnected.

You're calling Goebbels
about the food?

I thought Göring
was the gourmet.

That's very funny, Hogan.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I had to come here, sir,

and complain about the food.

Oh, he's right.

If the Luftwaffe had dropped

last night's stew on England,

they'd be in violation of
the Geneva Convention.

I'm doing the best I can.

You heard me complain
to Herr Goebbels.

There better be some changes
around here, I warn you,

or I'm going to
organize a hunger strike.

I thought we were on one.

That's enough complaining.

Dis... missed.

Aren't you coming, Newkirk?

Oh, yes, sir, of
course, of course.

Fräulein Hilda, get me
Herr Goebbels again.

When I deliver
Newkirk to Berlin Betty,

I will get that promotion
I so richly deserve.

Now, this is going to be tricky.

We know that London monitors

Berlin Betty's
broadcasts every night.

We also have another advantage.

What's that?

Well, they're bound
to be suspicious

when they hear me making
a broadcast for the Jerrys.

Why would that make
them suspicious?

Because they know an
Englishman wouldn't cr*ck.

Maybe a Yank or a Frenchman.

Do we have to stand here

and listen to this, Colonel?

We don't have to take that.

All right, cut it out.

We've got more
important things to discuss.

Newkirk, you're going to
use the new emergency code.

Once you use the words
"Mama Bear" and "Papa Bear,"

headquarters will know it's us.

Now, the key words you've
got to work into the code are...

Carter.

The keywords are
"ball bearing plant,"

"ten miles south of Hammelburg"

and "25 antiaircraft
g*n emplacements."

Here come Klink and Schultz.

All right, everybody
knows their job.

All right, fellas, let's go.

Let me alone,
I'll k*ll that traitor!

Who are you calling a traitor?!

Take it easy! Calm down!

All right, hold it, hold it.

You call yourself a man?!

Quiet!

Quiet, everybody!

Quiet, the commandant is here!

What is going on here?

It's really nothing, Commandant.

They're just having a
friendly little argument.

Why don't you
tell him the truth?

That Newkirk is going to
broadcast for Berlin Betty!

It's just a rumor.

No, it isn't!

I heard it from
one of the guards!

Why do you look at me?

I didn't tell anybody

that Newkirk volunteered
to broadcast for Berlin Betty.

Big mouth.

All right, so now you know:

I'm going to make a broadcast.

Newkirk!

Hogan, that is
absolutely correct.

All right, sir,
how'd you do it...

The old rubber hose or
the Chinese water t*rture?

Nothing; he just
came to his senses.

He's right, Colonel
Hogan, I volunteered.

Oh, Newkirk, I've got
some good news for you.

Berlin Betty is coming
here to Stalag 13

and you will make
your speech to London

directly from my office.

He won't be able
to talk with a split lip!

Why, you little...

Break it up! Break it up!

My monocle, my monocle!

All right, break it up!

Break it up... come on!

Quiet! Quiet!

You all know the
penalty for fighting!

It's the cooler.

Newkirk, you come with me.

The cooler is what he deserves!

You go to the cooler.

He comes to my guest room.

How were things in the cooler?

A lot warmer.

Anyone want to
start another fight

so I can get back in?

I'd like to start a fight

just to keep warm.

What's happening to Newkirk?

Klink's giving him
the VIP treatment.

Even took him to town
for dinner last night.

And he didn't even
bring back a doggie bag.

Wouldn't you know

that he would get
the easy assignment?

Not so easy:

He's got to think
about the f*ring squad

and remember the
code at the same time.

And keep the Germans
thinking he's a traitor.

Well, that's a lot easier

than going out and
blowing up a bridge

like I did last week.

And how about me?

I have to go into
town in broad daylight

and get that information
from the underground.

Well, what's
dangerous about that?

You were wearing a lady's dress.

For your information,

I got stopped by
a Gestapo agent.

You didn't tell us that.

Fortunately, all he
wanted was a date.

With you?

Actually, in high heels
my legs look lovely.

That must be Berlin Betty.

Her legs look almost as
pretty as yours, LeBeau.

I think this mission's too
dangerous for Newkirk, Colonel.

I volunteer to be traitor.

No, no, Andrew,
you've been taking

too many chances lately.

I think I ought
to make this one.

Oh, no, it should be me.

The most dangerous
thing I've done lately

is dance with a Gestapo
man in a beer garden.

All right, all right, hold it.

I'm the one that blew it.

That's right;

you send a boy
to do a man's job.

She'll be here any minute now.

Is that all right?

It's marvelous.

I have a fresh box in my room.

No, this is fine, thank you.

Oh, maybe, uh...

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Colonel Klink, Berlin Betty.

Colonel Klink?

Yes, I am.

You must be Corporal Newkirk.

Colonel...

I believe you are on fire.

I know I am.

You're right.

Fire!

Fire! Fire!

Don't worry, sir.

Don't worry. Fire!

There, that ought to do it, sir.

Thank you so much.

Corporal Newkirk...

Dr. Goebbels is most grateful

for your contribution
to the Third Reich

and, of course, to
your own country.

You will be amply rewarded.

Thank you, Fräulein.

"Betty"?

Thank you, Betty.

I've already written me speech.

Would you like
to take a look at it?

Yes, I... I believe that
will be most effective,

but, uh, perhaps we should
discuss this privately, hmm?

Um, I thought perhaps

you might be able to
use me on your broadcast.

I'm told I have
a fantastic voice.

Really?

Oh, yes... in the Luftwaffe,

I was always chosen to
broadcast from the tower

because of my
resonance, my projection

and my incredible diction.

How interesting.

Stuttgart Airfield calling
Messerschmitt 2-7-1.

I haven't heard
a voice like that

since Eric von Stroheim.

Now, would you mind, Colonel?

I would like to discuss the
Corporal's speech with him.

Uh, may we use your quarters?

Why, of course;
everything is ready.

Schultz!

There...

It must have taken great courage

to volunteer for the broadcast.

Well, now, I know Germany's
going to win the w*r,

and you were very
persuasive, love.

Well, I'm very happy

that you were the one
who was persuaded.

My compliments to the
German Propaganda Ministry.

They certainly knew
what they were doing

when they picked you.

You're very kind,
but... I had no choice.

What are you looking for?

Hidden microphones.

What did you mean when
you said you had no choice?

The Nazis are holding
my family as hostages.

I imagine that you must
think of me as a traitor.

No.

I think of you

as a very young,
charming, attractive man

who doesn't want to
see his countrymen k*lled.

That is a patriot.

I like that description.

"Patriot"?

"Attractive and charming."

I believe one should
say what one feels.

And I believe one
should do what one feels.

He kissed her.

He's kissing her again.

You know, he could be arrested

as a Peeping Tom.

In a P.O.W. camp?

How do you like that?

He pulled down the shade.

Now we'll never know.

Uh, Colonel...

how will we know

if headquarters understands
Newkirk's coded message?

Simple.

The broadcast is tonight,

and by tomorrow morning we
should hear the sweet sound

of a ball bearing
plant being blown up.

We've got to figure a way

to get the parts
to fix that radio.

All right, just going to
have to send somebody out

to make contact
with the underground.

I volunteer, Colonel.

Me, too.

I don't want anybody out

during a possible air raid.

Newkirk, what are
you doing here?

Colonel, I have to talk to you.

Somebody could have spotted you.

That was a crazy thing to do.

Only an Englishman would leave

a beautiful girl
at a time like this.

That's what I want to
talk to you about, sir.

I know... you asked
for her hand in marriage

and you want one of
us to be the best man.

All right, hold it, hold it.

What are you talking about?

Well, sir, she's not
your average n*zi.

That's for sure.

I liked her legs a lot better
than Hermann Göring's.

She doesn't want to do
those propaganda broadcasts.

She has to.

The Gestapo are
holding her family hostage.

And you've fallen for her.

Yes, sir... and
that's why I'm not

going through
with the broadcast.

Not going through
with the broadcast?

Why?!

If the Gestapo suspect I
gave out a coded message,

they might guess
that she set it up...

And you know what
that'd mean, don't you?

Newkirk, we got
to get that message

through to headquarters.

A lot of people are
depending on you.

A lot of English people.

LeBeau, you know how I feel.

Nobody knows more about
love than a Frenchman.

I knew you'd understand.

But the one thing
a Frenchman loves

more than a beautiful woman

is La Belle France.

Newkirk... the
decision is yours.

Do you think he'll
go through with it?

I don't know.

I'll bet anybody
here ten dollars

he'll send the message.

I think that's a good bet.

With her legs?

It's almost time.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Everything will be fine.

Don't worry, my love.

Can't hear anything.

Must be a bad connection.

Oh, I haven't been kissed
like that in a long time.

I think we're in trouble.

We're ready.

This is Berlin Betty.

Tonight I am pleased
to have as my guest

one of your own countrymen
who has realized the futility

of continuing to
resist the Fatherland.

I hope you'll take
this message to heart

so that we can all
once again live in peace.

And now, here is
Corporal Peter Newkirk

of the Royal Air Force.

Tonight, I would like to
ask each of my comrades

to lay down his
g*n and surrender.

I think I can best illustrate

my reasons for asking this

by reminding you
of a story I learned

when I was a wee
bit of a lad in London.

It's the story of Mama
Bear and Papa Bear.

And I say that to believe
we can win this w*r

is as much a fairy tale
as The Three Bears.

Thank you, Corporal Newkirk.

And I hope your countrymen

are as wise and as
patriotic as you are.

And now, good night
from Berlin Betty.

That was very good, Newkirk.

Oh, I don't think I could be

as convincing as you

if me heart wasn't in it.

My heart is in it.

But I thought they
were holding your family.

I have no family.

That is our way of testing.

I must be quite sure

that the prisoner is sincere.

And the kiss?

That was from the Führer.

Well, anyway, I'm
glad they sent you.

Why?

I'd hate to kiss a
man with a mustache.

Yeah, I knew he'd come through.

Yeah, so did I.

Frankly, I thought
it was touch and go.

Frankly, I wouldn't
have done it.

But you said a Frenchman
loves his country

more than a beautiful woman.

Are you crazy?

You can always
find another country,

but you can't always
find a beautiful woman.

You sent for me, Colonel?

Yes, Colonel Hogan.

I would like you to be

the first one to
see this citation

given to me by the
propaganda minister.

I beg your pardon,
Herr Kommandant,

I was the first.

So, you were the first.

Take this to the quartermaster

and have it framed.

Dismissed.

I was the first.

Dismissed!

Hogan, this citation
was given to me

for delivering
Newkirk to Berlin Betty.

I think you would be smart

to also make a broadcast
to your countrymen.

It is only a question of time

before your
comrades are defeated

and victory comes to
the glorious Third Reich!

What was that you were saying

about the glorious
Third Reich, sir?

Herr Kommandant!

Herr Kommandant!

The bombers almost blew us up!

Look... it's terrible.

It was flying all over the camp.

What are these?

Well, either there's
been a direct hit

on a pair of roller skates

or the glorious Third
Reich is missing

a secret ball bearing plant.

Herr Kommandant... do
you still want to frame this?