05x24 - The Merry Widow

[bunniefuu]

Got it.

Good.

So, that's the baby that's
been holding up the Allied drive.

The Germans planted tons
of them to block our advance.

I never saw a land mine
put together like that.

They must have had their
hands full trying to disarm it, huh?

Our tanks have
slowed down to a crawl.

That makes these quite a prize.

They sure were.

A company of British commandos

got pretty badly
mauled getting them.

How are the repairs
to the tunnel coming?

Melting snow is
giving us a little trouble.

We had to start a new
tunnel in Barracks 5.

It'll join the old one
past the cave-in.

All right.

Let's see how it's coming.

Getting rid of the dirt okay?

No problem.

How's it going?

Almost to the old
tunnel now, sir.

All right, keep them at it.

I promised London they'd
have the film by tomorrow.

We'll make it, sir.

Any of the Krauts
been sniffing around?

They don't suspect a thing.

If they find this
tunnel, I'll eat my hat.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier,
eins, zwei, drei, vier.

He caved in the bleeding tunnel.

Bon appétit.

You won't believe
this, Herr Kommandant,

but I was checking
the plumbing, Mm-hmm.

Looking for a leaky pipe.

Ja, ja... did you find it?

Not yet, but I'm
going to keep looking.

The cooler!

Schultz, have the
prisoners fill in the tunnel.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

And double the guard.

If they see anything suspicious,

tell them to sh**t first
and ask questions later.

They sh**t first,
ask questions later.

You won't get many
answers that way, sir.

Right, Herr Kommandant.

Schultz, I gave you an order.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Let's go!

Hogan, Hogan, when
will you ever learn?

These foolish escape attempts.

It gives the men
something to do.

In all the time you've been here,
how many men have escaped?

None. Exactly.

Face it, Hogan... for you
and your men this w*r is over.

That is good news.

We'll pack and
leave in the morning.

Dismissed.

What do we do
after we pack, sir?

We got to get that film out.

How?

The tunnel's gone;

they doubled the guard.

We can't get out.

I didn't say anything
about us getting out.

I said we'd get the film out.

Why don't we ask
one of the Germans

to drop it off when
he goes into town?

I think Klink would probably
be the best choice, don't you?

Ask Klink to deliver
microfilm to one of our agents?

He's the one man who can
leave camp whenever he wants.

Who's going to twist his arm?

Let's keep v*olence out of this.

Take my word for it:

The colonel will be delighted
to be our messenger.

It's all set, Colonel.

The underground
says they'll have

a woman agent
in town by tonight.

You told them we
wanted somebody special.

They guaranteed a knockout.

Good.

Carter, bring Schultz in here.

Okay.

One fat sergeant coming up.

Schultz? I thought
Klink was our target.

He is, but he might get
suspicious if it comes from me.

So we hook Schultz...
Back up my story.

Got it.

All right, Operation Merry
Widow is about to begin.

You wanted to see me, Colonel?

Yeah, Schultz,
we're going to have

a little card game tonight

and wanted to know
if we can count you in.

I think I have no time.

Other plans, Schultzy?

Yeah, like maybe
a little rendezvous?

Come clean, Schultz,

we've heard all about it.

You dog... you sly, sly dog.

You're a lucky man, Schultz.

I don't understand.

The Countess Marlene,
the Merry Widow.

She picked you, didn't she?

Countess Marlene? Merry Widow?

He hasn't heard of her.

Only the most famous
temptress in all of Europe.

Come on, Schultz, don't be cute.

Sure... isn't a man alive

hasn't heard of the Merry Widow.

Especially after
that thing with h*tler.

The Führer?

No!

It didn't do him any good.

They say she only loves fat men.

That's why she picked Göring.

Men don't pick
her; she picks them.

According to the old rumor mill,

that's why she came to town.

She's crackers about
someone in this camp.

Yeah, we figured it was you.

All the world loves a fat man.

Maybe she's heard about your
reputation with the barmaids.

It gets around, huh?

Uh... did you get the flowers?

Flowers?

That's her style.

She sends flowers,
then the phone call.

"I'm, uh... I'm waiting, lover."

And then, paradise.

Paradise... paradise.

You haven't much time
to get in shape, Schultz.

Oh, I guess she couldn't wait.

I better pick them up.

♪ Lover, when
you're near me... ♪

Over here, over here...
I'm Sergeant Schultz.

I'll take them.

Nein, these flowers
are for Colonel Klink.

I am Colonel Klink.

Thank you, sir.

"From one who is tired
of worshipping from afar.

Soon... Countess Marlene."

Huh, must be some foolish...

You, you... you can't.

It's the Merry Widow.

No!

You're a lucky man, Commandant.

I don't know any merry widow.

Countess Marlene.

Only the number-one
temptress in all of Europe.

She has seen more action
than the First Division.

But I don't remember any...

Countess Marlene?

There was something
about her and h*tler?

h*tler wanted to give up evil.

He even offered to shave off...

h*tler?

No.

Yeah... but it didn't help.

He wasn't her type.

She didn't like
his funny haircut.

She turned down the Führer?

Ja...

Men do not pick
her; she picks them.

And you're it.

That wild, impetuous
girl sending me flowers.

You're going to
get an invitation,

then the telephone
will ring, and then...

"I am waiting, lover."

I better take these inside
and put them in water.

Well, tough luck, Schultz.

I don't understand.

Why him when she could have me?

Probably a masochist.

I guess the old Klink
magic has struck again.

I'm used to it, Hogan.

Women are always
sending me things.

Flowers from the Merry Widow.

That plant over there...

Another gift from
an old admirer.

Can one man have so much?

I can't fight it, Hogan.

Women are always
putting me on a pedestal.

I can see what attracted her...

Your good looks, your bearing.

Uh, just a minute, sir.

You sleep in this jacket, sir?

My jacket?

Maybe I'd better
have it pressed.

Uh, forget it, sir.

I don't think that'll help.

It should really be tailored.

Here.

Yeah, that's better.

You've got to
look your best, sir.

It's a pity LeBeau's
in the cooler.

He's a fine tailor... He
could really help you.

Oh, I'll have him
released, Hogan.

He's learned his lesson by now.

Oh, I appreciate this
very much, Hogan.

Forget it, sir, forget it.

One day you can
do something for me.

Good job.

Well, at least you're
giving me a trade

for after the w*r.

It's better than the cooler.

Now it just needs pressing.

Yeah.

All she's got to do is
get the jacket off Klink,

slip the film out and take off.

A plane is being
arranged to pick her up.

The colonel's?

Mm-hmm.

Hmph! I don't understand.

I ask you... who would you pick?

Don't fight it, Schultz.

Fortunes of w*r.

How much taste can
this Merry Widow have

if she wants the colonel?

Schultz!

Oh! Lots of taste,
Herr Kommandant.

That's what she has.

Is my jacket ready?

Be just a few minutes,
Herr Kommandant.

We'll bring it over, sir.

You better hurry it up.

She'll be calling anytime now.

A world of taste,
Herr Kommandant.

She's a very tasteful
lady, and a very lucky one.

Oh, shut up.

She's got to go out of her mind.

Maybe you're right.

Oh, Hogan, you should
have heard her on the phone.

What a voice...
Oh, she's all woman.

Shouldn't you be leaving, sir?

There's no rush.

Make them wait.

They become all
the more anxious.

I keep forgetting I'm
talking to the master.

You see, in love and w*r,
the method is the same:

Keep the opponent off guard,
then go forth and conquer.

I wish I had a pencil
to get this down, sir.

You will give
classes after the w*r?

Now, there's a thought.

If everything we hear

about the countess is true, sir,

this may be the
last time I see you.

What a way to go.

What a way to go.

Uh, Commandant?

Be kind.

Good evening.

Good evening, Colonel.

Come in.

You're late.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Um, there was an
emergency at camp...

A top-level decision.

The traffic was terrible.

I hurried as much
as I could... honest.

Just so that you're here.

Yes.

Sometimes, Colonel, it pays
to keep a woman waiting.

And waiting.

I've heard so much
about you, Colonel.

You're much better
looking than your pictures.

And I've waited such a long time

for this little rendezvous.

Have you?

Mmm... and now
that I'm close to you,

I find you even more
attractive than I thought.

Those blue eyes.

That full mouth.

I'm in the presence
of a love god.

Oh, you shouldn't
have done that.

I lost control.

Some wine, Colonel?

Please.

You know, I think in you...

I've finally met my match.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, oh, it's nothing.

It's... it's just
a little stain.

You'd better take that off.

Oh, yes, yes, I will, I will.

Oh, thank you.

You'd better slip this on
while I try to clean that.

Do you know that
a suspicious person

might think that you
had done this purposely?

Oh... I'll be back in a minute.

Mmm... don't.

You make me hunger
all the more for your lips.

Oh, hurry... please.

Klink left 30 minutes ago.

She should have the film by now.

Colonel, we got a
problem, and a big one.

What's up?

This is Sergeant Meadows, sir...

The SS just brought him in.

He led the raid on
the land mine factory.

We got what you went after.

The microfilms were
turned over to us.

They should be on their
way to London by now.

Well, you'd better
try and stop them.

Here, this is what London needs.

That's a model of
the actual land mine.

What's on the microfilm?

An early experimental version,

all been completely changed.

If our boys start to
use those for a guide,

they'll be blown to bits.

I'm waiting, Püppchen.

Hello.

I was just leaving.

I'm glad I caught you.

What?!

That's wonderful...

All of Hammelburg is
crawling with Gestapo

and you jeopardize my
life with the wrong film.

I should have left
when I had a chance.

Maybe you'd better go.

A lot of lives are at stake.

We'll try to come
up with another plan.

No, no.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm just jumpy, I... I think I
need a vacation from w*r.

I-I-I'm sorry.

I'll be all right.

Good girl.

We've got a model
of the real thing here.

Try to get rid of Klink
as fast as you can

and we'll get it over to you.

How much time do you have?

The plane is picking
me up at midnight.

Good.

The first thing I
want you to do is...

Come to your tiger,
my little apple strudel.

Out. Take...

Out? Out.

You want me to go?

You... you can't be serious.

It's irresistible me.

Remember... the blue eyes,

the kissable lips?

Think... you'll never
forgive yourself.

Out!

How can you turn all this down?

Good night, Colonel.

Here he comes.

Colonel Hogan, Colonel Hogan...

I can't say.

You wouldn't believe it.

The Countess Marlene called me.

No kidding?

Queen bee has
sent for her honey.

Schultz going in for Klink, huh?

They're putting
in the first team.

Isn't that the colonel's?

Well, we thought it
brightened up the room.

I see nothing... nothing!

Hey, Schultz, what
are you taking her?

Taking her?

Flowers, something.

You can't go there empty-handed.

Yeah, a woman like that is
used to diamonds and furs.

Tell you what, Schultz.

Here, take her this.

She'll love it.

The colonel's?

I couldn't... I wouldn't!

The most desirable
woman in Europe.

But I will!

Colonel Hogan, please, you
won't tell the commandant that I...

I hear nothing,
Schultz, nothing.

Good.

Beautiful!

How thoughtful.

Exactly what I wanted.

Me, too.

How can I ever thank you?

I'll make out a schedule.

Who is it?

Colonel Klink.

Oh.

What is it, Colonel?

I've come back to give
you another chance.

But I...

Maybe... maybe I
was too much for you.

I know how
overwhelming I can be.

Why, that's funny,
I have a plant

just like that, even the pot.

Not now, Colonel.

Oh, I wouldn't want
you to hate yourself.

Out!

I'm going, I'm going.

This is no way to
treat a love god.

Good night, Colonel.

That is my plant.

Aha!

I'm glad you're here,
Herr Kommandant.

I found this woman
with your plant.

Out!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

You're not going to
take it away, Colonel.

Old Hot Lips is back, sir.

I don't think he's
going to be very happy.

Oh, no.

You are hereby
restricted to camp,

and starting immediately,

you will march guard
duty until I tell you stop!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

What do we do now?

Notify London to forget
about those mines.

Not yet.

There's still a little time

before the widow's
plane picks her up.

So what? It's a cinch we
can't get Klink to go back now.

If Klink won't go
to the mountain,

we'll bring the
mountain to Klink.

Kinch, get her on the phone.

Tell her to come
here... It's the only way

we hope to get
that plant to her.

Right, Colonel.

But after catching her

with Schultz, Klink will
never agree to see her.

Yes, he will.

I'm on my way
over to tell him why.

Imagine passing
me up... a colonel...

For that, uh... sergeant.

She's twisted, Colonel.

Next thing, it'll be
privates and corporals,

and we colonels will
be out of business.

She's obviously
attracted by riffraff.

Then again, she
did pass up h*tler.

Hogan!

He was a corporal, wasn't he?

Maybe this thing with Schultz
was a moment of madness...

She realizes her mistake

and now she's come
back to the big fellow.

It's too late, Hogan.

With me, there's
no second chance.

You're absolutely
right, Colonel.

How often does a woman get
a golden opportunity like you?

Hogan, will you
leave that plant alone?

And to abuse it,
she should suffer.

Exactly!

Hello.

Colonel Klink speaking.

Who?

Hogan, it's her.

She's at the gate...
She wants to see me.

No.

Yes.

I'll teach her a lesson.

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

You want her to suffer?
Here's your chance.

Obviously, she wants you.

You've got her right here, sir.

Toy with her and
then crush her...

An eye for an eye,
complete rejection.

I'll give her a lesson
she'll never forget.

Have her come to my quarters.

Before I get through
with her, she will crawl,

she will beg, but it
will do her no good.

I will be iron.

You better go, Hogan.

Don't let her cry too much, sir.

Hi.

I'm Hogan.

You know what to do.

Yes, I soften him
up and get the plant.

It's going to be close...
I only have 15 minutes.

Just one thing... He's
going to play hard to get.

Hard to get?

Him?

He should give stamps.

We'll be right
outside if you need us.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Uh...

What can I do for you?

Well, normally I'm a
very shy person, Colonel.

I've never done
anything like this before.

I think I understand.

But I had this
uncontrollable urge.

I'm so sad for you.

Oh, I could not rest
until I saw you again,

and I thought this
would be our night.

We don't need that light.

Hmm?

You seem so distant.

Here I am, hungering
for your lips,

and you're making me suffer.

Don't I interest you at all?

Earlier perhaps, but not now.

Hmph! It will do you no good.

No good at all.

You've suffered enough.

I want much more than
just tonight, Colonel.

I'm yours, 364 days a year.

Christmas I have to
spend with my mother.

Well, I was thinking
of a souvenir,

something I could
have and care for...

A lock of hair?

No.

A plant.

Perfect.

A living reminder of you.

It's yours.

And now...

Now.

Some champagne.

Now?

The wonder of your lips
makes this a festive occasion.

I'll get it.

I'll be right back.

Hogan.

I've got it.

Hold it... Schultz.

What's going on?

My little strudel!

W-What are you doing in there?

I've been looking for you.

For me?

You're not going
to keep me waiting.

In there?

What about the commandant?

He's gone out.

Hurry.

Don't start without me.

I'll be right there, Püppchen.

Nothing is too good
for my Püppchen.

Ah... Oh!

But I don't know which
makes me more romantic,

champagne or caviar.

Mmm.

I'll get some of that, too.

Mmm.

Shh.

Now, sit in this chair.

Close your eyes.

Stay very still.

I just want to look at you.

Pucker up.

There you go, Kinch.

Careful, now.

Püppchen...

Champagne and caviar,

and then one surrenders
to the inevitable.

Bye.

Danke.

Aw, I was hoping it would last.

You're a sentimental
fool, Colonel.

Sue me... I like a happy ending.

Püppchen.

Püppchen.

Colonel?

Send her off already?

Poor kid... must
have broken her heart.

As I told you, Hogan, she
had to be taught a lesson.

And the old professor
gave her one, right?

Look, you're not supposed
to be out of the barracks

at this hour.

Oh, you're right, Colonel.

Boy, I'd sure like
to see you in action.

Next time you'll have
to sell tickets, sir.

Good night.

Püppchen.

Püppchen.