05x16 - Where There's Smoke

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Hey, Penny, I still smell smoke.

You'd better fan
a little harder.

Voilà.

This ought to k*ll the smell.

It kills everything
else it comes near.

Hey, J.J., what is that stuff?

It's Thelma's perfume. Yuck.

It's my what?

That's right, girl.
Give me that, fool.

The elevator's here!
Mama's coming! Oh, no.

Hi, y'all.

Hi.

Child, it is so cold out there,

my goose bumps are begging
me to go south for the winter.

What's that I smell?

Smell? What smell?

You know what, I smell
something... smoky.

Smoky and sweet.

Like somebody's
barbecuing an Avon lady.

That's supposed to be a joke.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Something funny's
going on around here.

Um, hey, y'all, why don't
we go down to Lake Michigan

and watch the ice cr*ck.

All right! Why don't we do that.

Hold it right there,
every one of you.

Something is going on,

and ain't nobody
leaving this room

until I get to the
bottom of this.

What happened to the couch?

Uh, well, see, Willona,
uh, this is nothing...

Matter of fact,

I don't even want to bore you

with the details.

Honey, bore me with the
details. What happened?

Well, Willona, we just
had a little itty bitsy... fire.

Fire?

Lord have mercy.

Did anybody...? Did
anybody get hurt?

Oh, no, Willona,
nobody got hurt.

It was really nothing.

It was really nothing, huh?

By the looks of this couch,

you're lucky
everybody in this house

hasn't b*rned down by now.

Now, I left y'all to
watch Penny, right?

I want to know what happened.
I want to know right now.

You see, Willona...
It all started...

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

One minute.

Now, we gonna go one at a time.

You first. What happened?

Well, Willona, you
coming to the right person,

'cause I'm gonna tell you
exactly what happened.

Well, you know, after
you dropped Penny off,

J.J. came over
with this fine girl.

Her name was
Mandy. Oh, she's bad.

But anyway, I was working on
my chemistry experiment, right,

and when I was doing that,

the formulas that
I was mixing...

Michael, will you
play house with me?

Sure, Penny.

Just as soon as I'm finished
with this chemistry experiment.

That's beautiful.

Now can we play house?

Sure.

Michael, would you come
taste this soup for me, please?

Excuse me, Penny.

Thelma, dear, nothing
would give me more pleasure

than to taste your
delightful soup.

Eugh!

You're improving, Thelma.

Hey, everybody.

This is Mandy.

Mandy, this is everybody.

And over here is
my genius brother,

Michael.

Michael.

You're all J.J. talks
about, Michael.

You know, J.J. is just too kind.

But, Mandy, I am
your humble servant.

Uh, why don't you say

we leave the ebony Einstein

over here by himself,

and me and you go
"genius" on the couch.

Just for a minute.

I mean, I find your
brother so compelling.

But, Mandy, see, I'm...

I'm compelling too.

You?

On a scale of one to
10, you a minus two.

Is that Fahrenheit or Celsius?

Oh, allow me.

Michael, would you flick my Bic?

Mandy, not only
will I flick your Bic,

but my heels are clicked.

Mandy, would you
like to stay for dinner?

Thelma, I don't think
Mandy's constitution is ready

to adjust to your...
unique style of cooking.

Uh, she can't anyway.

She has to go home and change,

'cause, see, me and Mandy
are going dancing tonight.

Dancing? Yeah.

Well, if Michael will be here,
I might be persuaded to stay.

Oh, no, I'm afraid, Mandy...

See, because...

Listen, Michael,
can I write to you?

Baby, anytime. You
know I will be here.

Whoo.

Now, Michael, will you
play house with me?

Sure, Penny, but
after dinner, okay?

I'm gonna wash up.

He's so understanding.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Reggie.

Did your sister use
the recipe I gave her?

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I'll send her a
get-well card, okay?

Oh, I see.

Where do I send the wreath?

Oh, my goodness. Oh, I don't...

Well, listen...

Hey, Penny. Where's Michael?

He went to wash up.

You know, that's
the fifth girl this month

he's taken from me.

Hey, Michael. Yeah?

Yeah, Michael, every
time I bring a girl home,

she winds up
wanting to be with you.

I just want to know one thing.

What's your secret?

Well, you know, what can I say?

Michael, I'm so
sorry for the delay.

I'll have your dinner
ready in a second.

It's all right.

Michael! Fire!

Hey, hey, hey, calm
down everybody.

Do not panic. I will
handle everything.

Everything will be all right.

You just listen. Calm down.

I got everything under control.

And that's how it
happened, Willona.

I realized that after
I put out the fire,

it was that hot plate that
Thelma put on the couch

that really started it.

Michael, that is not true.

That couldn't have
started the fire,

because I never put
the plate in the oven,

so the plate was cold.

It was? I didn't
know that, Thelma.

I guess I was wrong.

And that's wasn't the only
thing you were wrong about.

Mandy wanting
to go out with you?

Hmm.

You must have been sniffing
too much couch, brother.

Never mind about Mandy.

How did the fire start?

Let me tell you... I
already told you...

No, no, baby...
Willona... Hold it. Hold it.

Now, I could tell you, Willona,

because I know the facts.

I wish somebody
would tell me the facts.

Okay. Okay.

Now, remember when you
brought Penny over? Uh-huh.

I was in the kitchen

making my usual magnificent,
fantastic dinner, right? Yeah.

And Michael was sitting here...

Michael, will you
play house with me?

Not right now, Penny.
I'm busy. Can't you see?

Well, excuse me!

Penny, I'll play house with you,

just as soon as I
finish making my soup.

Hey, everybody.

I want you all to meet Mandy.

Mandy, this is everybody.

And over there

is the woman whose
cuisine is responsible

for this magnificent physique,

my sister, Thelma.

Nice to meet you, Mandy.

Ooh!

Girl, what is that
delicious smell

coming from the kitchen?

Looks like a magnificent
casserole to me.

Well, it's nothing much.
You know, nothing much.

It's just a little something
I threw together

with my secret ingredient.

Well, you can tell me.

What's your secret ingredient?

Powdered chicken lips.

Why don't we just leave
the gorgeous gourmet

over here by herself,

and me and you
kind of grease on over

to the couch?

Well... Well, just for a minute.

I mean, your
sister's so interesting.

Yeah, but, see, Mandy,
I'm interesting too.

You?

On a scale of one
to 10, you is a zero.

That high, huh?

Uh, allow me.

Mandy, I'll light your fire.

Thank you.

No problem.

I got it.

You're too late, hon.

Thelma.

Listen, girl.

I hope I'm not imposing,
but could I stay for dinner?

Sure you can.

No, see, she can't,

because, you see, me and
Mandy are going dancing tonight,

and she's gotta go
home and change.

Yeah, I forgot.

This is the last time I
answer a lonely hearts ad

in the newspaper.

I mean, there's just no
quality control, you know?

I know what you mean.

Oh, yeah, Mandy.

What do you say me and you

go walk on over to
the elevator there.

Thelma, would you
make me up a doggie bag?

I'll take scraps, anything!

Send it by J.J.

I'll eat it on the
way to the disco.

Goodbye.

Okay, Michael, now,
you go wash up, okay?

Thelma, I will scrub
my hands in Ajax

just to have a
sample of your food.

Oh, thank you, Michael.

Hello.

Yes, this is Thelma. Who's this?

The man who loves me the most?

Norman, is that you?

Huh? No? Phil? Robert?

This has gotta be
Kevin. Come on...

Hey, Penny, where's Thelma?

She's on the phone with
one of her many admirers.

Boy, I wish I was as
popular as my sister, Thelma.

Don't be silly, J.J.

What would you do

with all those handsome men?

Is dinner ready yet?

Abdul? Pierre?

Robert? No?

Well, I'll just
forget it for now.

Well, look, I'll just go
put this in the oven.

Thelma, I don't
know how you do it.

You make fantastic meals,

you look beautiful,

and you have more boyfriends

than you know what to do with.

Well, you know, what can I say?

You can say our
couch is on fire!

Hey!

Look!

What? Thelma!

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait a minute.

Just take it easy.

Take it easy. It's no problem...

And that's just what happened.

And after I put out that fire,

I realized that it was the match
that J.J. threw on that couch

that started that fire.

Oh, yeah, platypus face?

Well, then,

how do you explain this
cold match in the ashtray?

Oh, there's a match
in the ashtray?

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry. I guess I was wrong.

I still wanna know
how the fire got started.

Well, you see... Well,
you see, Willona...

Silencio!

All right, now, Willona.

Here's the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth,

the gospel according
to Brother J.

All right, Willona,
here's the truth.

Now, me being the
designated breadwinner

in the family, the
number-one in charge,

the general man about town...

J.J., could you get on with it?

You know? Okay.

See, I came home with
this fine-feathered fox,

and everybody was freaking
out because they didn't think

I could pull her
in the first place.

g*ng, I'm home.

Aw.

Everyone, I want you all to
meet my adorable woman, Mandy.

And, adorable woman
Mandy, this is everyone.

And over there is
my sister, Thelma,

the wicked witch of the kitch.

J.J., will you play
house with me?

But J.J., you promised me
we was gonna play house.

Before you play house, man,

can you help me out with
this chemistry experiment?

Uh, sure, Michael.

Whether it be
chemistry or biology,

just call on Dr. J.J., Ph.D.

Oh, boy, whatcha got here?

Uh-huh.

There you go, Michael.

Hey. Gee, thanks, J.J.

All right.

Oh, wow, J.J.

I had no idea you
were a scientist too.

Oh, just a little
sideline hobby of mine.

And, uh, please,
mama, no teeth there.

J.J., would you come
and test my soup

and see if it needs anything?

Oh, the sacrifices one
must make for one's family.

I'll just chip you
off a piece here.

Hmm.

Fine bouquet.

Not bad, Thelma.

Next time, a little
lighter on the concrete.

Oh, and, uh... Oh,
you're still here.

No. Mandy, Mandy, Mandy.

Didn't I promise you

a few fleeting
moments on the couch?

Oh, yeah, J.J. Yeah.

Hey!

What's the matter, J.J.?

Don't you find me attractive?

Well, on a scale of one to 10,

you're about a one
and three-quarters.

Oh, J.J., I'll try harder.

I promise.

Mm-hmm.

Well, allow me, my dear.

J.J., do you think Mandy
would like to stay for dinner?

No, Thelma.

She doesn't have any Blue Cross.

Besides, Mandy has
to go home and change.

We're going dancing tonight.

Oh, yeah, and I can hardly wait.

Let's get out of here.

Whoa!

Michael, you go wash
up for dinner, okay?

Sure, Thelma.

I tell you, that
J.J. is so clever.

You know, I've been working
on this experiment all day,

and he got it
right the first time.

Hello.

Last Chance Dating Service?

Yes, I called.

Uh-huh.

What are my
requirements for a date?

Well, he has to have
a cast-iron stomach.

And he can't be
frightened very easily,

you see, because...

Well, Penny, I'm back. Are
you ready to play house?

J.J., the baby's tired.
Would you rock it to sleep?

Sure.

Lullaby and good night ♪

♪ Everything be all right ♪

I tell you, J.J.,

you can sing, you can
dance, and you're a scientist.

Man, you should
get a Nobel Prize.

Yeah, and his taste
buds should be enshrined

in the Hall of Fame.

And you're the world's
greatest baby rocker.

Well, you know, what can I say?

Hey, hey, hey.

J.J., J.J.!

This place is on fire!
You gotta do something.

Hey, hey, take it
easy, take it easy.

I'll handle it. I'll handle it.

Everything is trumbowie
and bodacious.

That's what happened.

See, after I put out the fire,

I came to the conclusion

because Michael's burner
was so close to the couch,

that's what set
the couch on fire.

I rest my case.

No, you won't.
It's overruled, J.J.

Now, that alcohol burner

hasn't been any
closer to the couch

than it is right now.

Hey, wait a minute.
Maybe it was Mandy.

Hey, you know, she
was smoking a cigarette.

She sure was.

Puffing 'em back.

Hold it. Hold it.

Mama, I didn't tell my story.

Oh, Penny, that's okay.

Wait. Now, hold it now, baby.

My baby wants to say something.

You go on and say it.

Isn't that sweet?

She wants to tell
a little story too.

Okay, no wild stories,

because I've had
enough of the wild stories

for the evening, okay?

Go on, baby.

It's the truth. Shh.

I promise.

Well, after you dropped me
off, I was playing with my doll,

and Michael was experimenting.

Michael, will you
play house with me?

In a little while, Penny.

Right now, I'm busy with
this chemistry experiment.

That's beautiful.

Now can we play house?

No.

Why not? Your
water turned green.

I know. It's
supposed to turn red.

Ah.

Well, back to the drawing board.

Thelma, will you
play house with me?

Well, I'd love to, Penny,

but I have to finish
making this soup.

Would you like to taste it?

No, thanks.

I have a perfect
attendance record at school,

and I don't want to spoil it.

Oh, Penny.

Hey, everybody. We're home.

I want you all to meet Mandy.

Mandy, this is my
brother, Michael.

Nice to meet you, Mandy.

Thank you.

And my old ugly sister
over there, Thelma,

and our little neighbor, Penny.

J.J., will you play
house with me?

Oh... Play house with you?

Penny, you see,

you just a little
itty bitty tyke.

Mandy over here is a big girl.

I'd rather play house with her.

What do you say we go over here

and sit down on
the couch, my dear?

Okay, for a minute.

I do need a cigarette.

Well, allow me.

Oh, I see.

Anyway, Mandy,
have I ever told you

that on a scale of one to 10,

you are a 250?

Constantly, J.J.

Mandy, would you
like to stay for dinner?

Oh, no, thank you, Thelma.

I've got to go home and change.

J.J. and I are going
dancing tonight,

believe it or not.

Yeah, so let me walk you
to the elevator, my dear.

Okay. It was nice
to meet everybody.

Nice meeting you too.

Yeah, nice meeting
you. Hang tough.

Well, Michael, go wash
up for dinner, okay?

Sure, Thelma.

Call me when it's over.

Very funny. Very...

Hello.

Oh, hi, Virginia.

How you doing?

What? You're going
out with Poppo?

Oh, my... You know karate?

Well, if you don't,
you'd better learn fast,

because let me tell you,
he is a little bit too much...

J.J., did you ever
tell me I was a 250?

"Constantly."

Okay. I'll talk to
y'all later, man.

All right, Penny. I'm back.

I'm ready to play house.

J.J., do you like
Mandy better than me?

Mandy? I don't
like Mandy at all.

Then why are you
going dancing with her?

I'm not going dancing with her.

I just broke our date.

I hate women that smoke.

Now you tell me.

Hey, Penny, what's wrong?

You look sort of humdrum.

Hey, between me and you,

did you have any
of Thelma's soup?

Hey, I heard that, buddy.

And for that, you're
not getting any dinner.

You promise?

Uh-oh! The couch!

Aah! Hey, Penny!

Hey!

Oh, my goodness. Oh!

And that's how
I put out the fire.

I dumped Thelma's soup on it.

Oh, Penny, what
you're really saying

is that you started the fire.

I'm sorry, Mama.

Those stupid cigarettes.

They don't k*ll you one
way, or they'll k*ll you another.

Penny, do you know how
serious this could have been?

The whole building
could have b*rned down.

Everybody could have
been b*rned to death.

Do you realize that? Yes.

Have you learned
a lesson, honey?

Oh, I did. I promise
I won't do it again.

Penny... Okay.

Why would you wanna
do something silly

like smoking a cigarette anyway?

I wanted to be like Mandy.

I thought J.J.
would like me better.

Penny, I do like you...

when you're not
burning up our furniture.

I just wanted to be glamorous.

Penny, smoking isn't glamorous.

Look at me. I don't smoke.

Thelma, don't confuse the child.

I'm sorry, everybody.

That's all right, baby.
I'll take care of it.

That's all right, Willona. We
needed a new couch anyway.

One good thing did come
out of all of this, though.

What?

We got a chance to
get rid of Thelma's soup.

Oh!

♪ Just lookin' Out
of the window ♪

♪ Watchin' the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinkin' how It all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good times ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit Ripoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

Good Times was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.

♪ Good times ♪