05x05 - Teach Me

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Jason: Please, call me Jason.

Ken: But, I also have to tell you that all stocks can go down, Jason.

Grandma: Son, Ken handles all of our investments; we swear by him.

Wally: Oh, gosh, darn it, we do!

Maggie: Ken, I think we've heard enough.

Jason: Yeah, we're not interested.

Maggie: We'll invest.

Jason: Oh?

Maggie: Excuse us.Jason, your mother went to the trouble of brining her stock broker all the way out here.

Jason: Maggie, he's just a boy.He doesn't even shave; I already give money to a kid who doesn't shave, his name's Mike.

Maggie: Fine!You embarrass your mother.

Jason: Ken, look, we...errm...We'd love to invest.

Ken: Well that's great.Well, I'll need a cheque for a thousand Dollars.

Carol: Hello everybody!

Grandma: Hey Carol!

Carol: Grandpa Wally!

Grandma: There you are!Where have you been?

Carol: Shopping with friends.I didn't know you'd be here.

Jason: Yeah.You saved some big time money, Carol.

Ken: Oh, Singleton.Hi Carol.I've heard a lot about you.

Carol: Hi.

Grandma: Oh, I'm very proud of my beautiful, intelligent and completely unattached granddaughter.

Carol: Well, I've got a lot of stuff to do upstairs.Bye.

Grandma: But Carol...

Jason: Alright Ken!Here you are...one thousand Dollars!

Jason: Oh!Imagine that.Alright.

Grandma: Oh, hopefully very soon.

Jason: Bye bye Ken.

Maggie: Bye Ken.

Grandma: Well, what do you think?

Jason: Well, Mom, I think it could be a risky investment...

Grandma: Well, don't you think he's just perfect for her?

Maggie: Well actually, he is...

Jason: Well excuse me, but Ken, the guy I just wrote a cheque for a thousand Dollars to, does he or does he not handle your money?

Wally: Well yeah!Not very well.

Wally: Bone head idea!!

Maggie: Maggie's Prattle!

Jason: Let me put it another way...

Wally: I wouldn't if I were you.

Grandma: Well, I never expected you to invest.You're usually so...so...so...

Maggie: Cheap?

Grandma: Right.Jason, I'm really worried about Carol.Ever since her young man d*ed in that terrible accident, she hasn't gone out at all; and that's not right.She needs someone to do for her, what you did for me after Dad d*ed.You got me out.If it hadn't been for you, I never would have met Wally.

Wally: Yeah!And that one act makes up for all your other shortcomings.

Grandma: So Maggie, here's my idea; Wally and I are gonna throw a little party on Saturday night.And I will tell Carol that Ken is just dying to ask...

Jason: Excuse me!

Grandma: ...her out.And I'll mention that the party is a nice, safe place for a girl...

Jason: Mother!

Grandma: ...to be.And I'll get Ken to ask her out.

Maggie: Oh, how are you gonna get him to do that?

Grandma: Well, I will tell him that Jason wants to invest more.

Jason: Hold it!

Wally: Boy, you are tight.

Jason: It's not the money.It's just that these lies aren't necessary.I mean, look, if you wanna invite Carol, you wanna invite Ken, you put them together and let nature take its course...fine.

Grandma: Maggie, he's right.

Maggie: I know.Does it irritate you as much as it does me.

Grandma: Well honey, you're the psychiatrist.

Carol: Yeah.

Jason: Carol, Grandma and Wally are gonna have a party on Saturday night.

Carol: Oh?What's the occasion?

Grandma: Oh, our...our...anniversary.

Maggie: And we're all invited.

Grandma: And because of the romantic flavour of the evening, it is couples only.

Jason: Mom, we agreed!

Carol: I have to bring a date!

Grandma: Ah, speaking of that...ah, you know Ken, the young man you just met, he is dying to ask you out, isn't he Maggie?

Maggie: Oh, you bet.

Jason: Maggie!

Wally: Say, why don't you just have him take you to our party?

Grandma: Right!

Carol: I really don't know...

Jason: Carol, there's no pressure here, OK?If you don't wanna bring a date sweetheart...

Grandma: You can't come.

Carol: I can't go out with this guy.

Maggie: Why not?

Carol: Well, because I'm already seeing someone.

Jason: You are?

Carol: Yes.Someone from work.And, well, we promised each other that we wouldn't see other people.

Wally: Oh?

Maggie: Really?

Jason: See!Carol, I think that's just terrific, I think it's very nice...What do you mean, you're going steady with a guy and we haven't even met him?!

Carol: Well, it never seemed like the right time.

Jason: Well, then...I'll be looking forward to meeting your sweet heart on Saturday.

Carol: Saturday?I don't think he can.

Jason: Well then fine.Well then, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...I don't care Carol, but I would like to meet any guy that you consider has to be kept some deep, dark secret!

Carol: Right, Saturday's fine.

Maggie: No pressure.

Mike: Hey Dad, can I borrow...Hey!Hey Wally!Hi!

Grandma: Hey Mike!

Jason: Hey Mike, what do you know about this guy, Carol's been seeing?

Mike: He's desperate.Just a guess.

Maggie: Jason, it's not Carol's style to keep the guy she's dating a secret.

Mike: Yeah, but it sure makes sense from the guys point of you.

Ben: I look forward so, to our evening together.Yes I'll wear a tie.Good bye.

Mike: What the heck was all that about?

Ben: I just made a date for Saturday night with the lovely Laura Linn.

Mike: Saturday night!You mean, you're taking a date to Grandma's party?

Ben: Everybody's supposed to.

Mike: Hey Carol, are you taking a date to Grandma's party?

Carol: You too!What is it with you people?I don't interfere with your lives, must you interfere in mine.

Mike: So is that a yes?

Carol: Yes.Yes.Of course I have a date, I must have a date.I'm gonna see him at work.My sweetheart, my honey man!Shall I take pictures for you?

Mike and Ben: Honey man??

Estelle: Morning Carol.

Carol: Morning Estelle.Have you ever noticed, how few men work in this building?

Estelle: Every miserable day for the last twenty eight years!Ah, come on, we'll make room.

Big Al: Top of the day Carol.

Carol: Hi Big Al.

Big Al: What, is something hanging out of my nose again?

Carol: No, no.Big Al, how old are you?

Big Al: forty three.

Carol: Well that's acceptable nowadays, isn't it?

Big Al: I sure hope so.

Carol: It would serve 'em right, too.

Big Al: Who?

Carol: Look, I need to ask you for a silly favour.

Big Al: Will it hurt?

Carol: Just a second.Hi.

Chuck: Hi.

Carol: Look.I don't usually do things like this, but my name's Carol Seaver, and I need to be seen somewhere, Saturday night, with a date and...

Chuck: Hey, sounds great!

Carol: Really?

Chuck: Yeah.

Carol: Well, that's wonderful!That's fabulous!Oh, does that take the pressure off of me!So, we have a date?

Chuck: Chuck.

Carol: Chuck.Pleased to meet you.

Chuck: Just so we don't have a misunderstanding, I'd like you to know my philosophy on dating.

Carol: Well, let's not rush...

Chuck: No no no!First, I don't see dating as social interaction between men and women.

Carol: No?

Chuck: No, I see dating as an opportunity for sexual experimentation.And since you asked me out, I think it's your call, what's your pleasure?Hey, you read my mind.Hey wait, you didn't give me your address...

Big Al: Ah...so, what is it?

Carol: Never mind, I just feel stupid.

Big Al: Well, at least you feel something.

Carol: OK.Well, I need to be seen somewhere Saturday night with a date...

Big Al: I'll go.

Carol: You will?

Big Al: Sure.Mother will just have to do her aerobics alone.

Carol: Oh thank you.

Big Al: My pleasure.

Carol: It's a family party.

Big Al: What is?

Carol: Where you're taking me to.

Big Al: Is a bow tie too crazy for them?

Carol: No.Look, I'm embarrassed about asking you this but...there's more to it than just taking me out...

Big Al: Oh?

Carol: Well, could you pretend like we've been out a few times before?Like we're going steady.

Big Al: Sure, no problem.I've been telling mother, you're my woman for weeks.

Grandma: How do I look?

Wally: So good, I just wanna call everybody and tell 'em to stay home.

Grandma and Wally: Oh, too late!

Wally: I'll get 'em to leave.I'll do something rude and obnoxious.

Grandma: Jason usually handles that.Oh Benjamin!

Ben: Hi Grandma.This is...

Laura-Lynn: Hey Mom, it seems alright!Nothing looks that weird.Oh hi, I'm Laura Lin, my mom's nuts.

Grandma: Hi, I'm Urma.This is Wally, my husband.

Wally: Laura Lin.

Laura-Lynn: Your apartment is tres chique.

Grandma: Oh, well...err...thank you dear.Would you care for a soft drink?

Laura-Lynn: Oh that'd be lovely.

Wally: Hurry get the fire-extinguisher.

Mike: Hi, Wally...Wally, this is Kate.

Wally: Alright, here's a tip- you'll have a lot more fun out there than you will in here.

Grandma: I'm Urma, Mikey's grandmother.

Wally: Hi Kate.

Kate: Mike's told me so much about you both.

Mike: Oh, don't worry, it's nothing that'll stand up in a court of law.

Kate: Yeah, which one of you has the tattoos?

Grandma: Oh boy, are you the gal for Mikey?

Mike: See, that's what I've been trying to tell you, all the way down here.

Laura-Lynn: Your brother, Mike, is so cute.Do you think there's a chance that you'll wind up looking like him?

Ben: Any chance you're gonna end up looking like your mother?

Grandma: Maggie!

Maggie: Hi Urma.

Grandma: Hi sweet heart.

Jason: Is he here yet?

Grandma: Is who here?

Maggie: Oh, the guy Carol's been dating, whose name we don't even know yet.

Jason: Well, I know why she's been hiding him from us too; he's probably some muscle-bound beach bum in a torn t-shirt.

Grandma: Oh come on!Carol!

Jason: Oh come on mother!Women always say they want somebody sensitive and intelligent, and then you end up picking some guy with bulging biceps and raw animal passion.

Maggie: I didn't.

Mike: Hey, Dad...Dad this is Kate.

Maggie: Hi Kate.Maggie.

Kate: Hi.

Jason: Jason.

Kate: Hi.Well, now I see where Mike gets his good looks.

Jason: Oh thanks.

Maggie: Oh thanks.

Kate: Here, Urma, let me help you with that.

Grandma: Oh, thank you.

Jason: Ha ha, Mikey.Where have you been hiding her?

Mike: Dad!

Maggie: Sure Jason, to Carol it's, "who've you been sneaking around with?", but with Mike it's, "ha ha Mikey, where have you been hiding her?"

Jason: This would be a good time to answer the door.

Maggie: What door?

Jason: That one.

Carol: I'm so nervous.

Big Al: Don't be, whatever happens tonight, we still have each other, honey.

Jason: So, this must be Carol and...her date.

Carol: Hi everybody, this is Big Al.

Big Al: Yo everybody.I took the liberty of bringing some Sun Tea, and a very special home-made surprise...

Carol: Home-made salami.

Big Al: May I use the kitchen?

Grandma: Oh it...it...it's right in there.

Carol: I'll help, honey.

Maggie: Honey!

Ben: Wow, who's the old dude?

Maggie: Jason, do something.

Jason: I don't know what to say.

Maggie: Well, that's never stopped you before.

Carol: Oh you are so funny!You're doing great.

Big Al: Then why are they all staring at me?

Carol: Well, they've never met a man who makes his own pork products.

Maggie: Maybe this is Carol's way of reacting to all the pressure you've put on her.

Carol: Oh honey, come one, I just wanted to meet the guy.I didn't know she was gonna show up with Oscar Myer.Mike, what do you know about this guy she's seeing?

Mike: He smokes his own meat.

Big Al: Well winged in.

Grandma: Oh thank you, Al.

Big Al: Urma, please.

Grandma: Oh sorry...Big Al!

Jason: Al, we understand that you and Carol have been seeing each other for some time time now...

Big Al: Err...we...we...eight weeks.

Carol and Jason: Eight weeks!?

Big Al: Oh, and by the way, Mom wants to have you over to dinner, to celebrate.

Carol: How sweet.

Big Al: Well, she likes you.Oh, otherwise she would never have approved of our weekend together in Atlantic City.

Maggie: What, what weekend together in Atlantic City?

Wally: You look so damned familiar.You know, I swear I've seen you before.

Jason: What weekend in Atlantic City?

Wally: Were you in the army?

Big Al: You bet.

Jason: Union or Confederate?

Carol: Come on Big Al.

Jason: Don't you take another step, young lady.

Carol: Daddy, I will not have you stand here and insult my honey man.

Big Al: Well, I had a lovely, lovely evening.And I think in time, your parents will be able to see past the age difference and accept me.

Carol: Big Al, you do realize that tonight was a pretend date?

Big Al: Sure.Sure!I just wanna pretend a little longer.

Carol: I had a lovely evening tonight, Big.

Big Al: Is it alright if I pretend right up until I get into my car?

Carol: What the heck.Why don't you pretend all the way home.

Mike: Hey, listen, when Mom gets home, tell her that I paid for Chrissy's sitter, out of my own pocket.Get the money, and then tell Dad the same thing, right?Oh, and listen, Carol...errm...I gotta ask you, where in the heck did you get that guy

Carol: You didn't like him?

Mike: Oh, no, he was fine.He was actually better than I thought you could get.

Ben: Oh yeah!Well I lied!I had a lousy time and you already look like your mother!!I'mnever gonna pick a blonde for anything!

Mike: OK, Carol, what's the real story?

Carol: Real story!I happened to have found someone, mature and wonderful...

Mike: Who lives with his mother and makes his own sausages!Carol, come on, this is Mike you're talking to.

Carol: OK, I'm not really dating him.I just get so tired of everybody.I mean they act like there's something wrong with not dating!!Well, there isn't!I mean, so I wanna be on my own, I mean, why can't that...What am I doing?You don't understand.

Mike: OK.Kate, the girl that I went to the party with.Well, I'm not really dating her.

Carol: The one who was all over you?

Mike: Yeah, she was a girl friend of a buddy of mine from acting class...She was acting.

Carol: She was very convincing.

Mike: Tell me about it.

Carol: But why would you...

Mike: Carol, I mean...You know, I just haven't really felt like dating, ever since...July and I...you know....since we called the wedding off.And I...I...I didn't want Mom and Dad to do to me, what they're doing to you.

Carol: So you do understand.

Mike: Yeah.But, I'll tell you what, I did like my pretend date.

Carol: What are you saying?

Mike: I'm saying that it b*at being alone.

Carol: But, I don't wanna date anybody...I'm fine!

Mike: OK, OK, if you're sure.

Carol: I am sure!And I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad to keep their noses out of my business; and if they don't, then I'll just bring home...Rob Lowe.

Mike: Oh, well, that's Mom and Dad and listen...good luck, and I would not mention Rob Lowe to Mom and Dad in your opening remarks.

Maggie: Carol honey, let's talk.

Carol: Mom, Dad, I'll save you some time!Big Al and I have not been dating.

Jason: Yeah, we figured that out!

Carol: You what?

Maggie: Figured it out.It was pretty obvious that you brought Al tonight to make a point.

Carol: Well, I certainly did, and I'm glad you finally realized that.Good night.

Jason: Well...wa...wa...wait.Wow wow.You think that says it all, Carol?

Carol: Well, if it'll make you feel better to apologies...go ahead.

Jason: Well alright.Maybe I should apologies, because these past few months, Carol, I've been wanting very badly to believe that you're OK.And I didn't realize the truth, until tonight.

Carol: What truth?What are you talking about?

Maggie: We're talking about Sandy, and what happened to him.

Carol: He d*ed, Mom!He d*ed!You can say it!I'm over it.But tonight had nothing to do with Sandy!

Jason: Hey!It has everything to do with Sandy.

Carol: Dad, please.

Maggie: Let him talk.

Jason: Why haven't you dated?

Carol: I don't know.I guess I just haven't found anyone who's worth the trouble.

Maggie: What trouble?

Carol: What trouble!It's obvious you guys have not dated in years.

Jason: I think you're afraid to go out with somebody you might eventually care about.I think the thought of losing somebody close to you again, just terrifies you.

Carol: You actually think that's what I'm doing?

Jason: Yes, I do.

Carol: Mom, do you actually believe that?

Maggie: Yes, honey, I do.

Carol: Oh, you're wrong!I mean, I'm fine!I'm not afraid about caring for somebody...of falling in love with somebody!You're crazy!You're both crazy!

Maggie: Oh, it's OK sweetheart.It's OK.

Carol: I can't go through that again Mom.

Maggie: I know.

Carol: I loved Sandy so much.I don't know what to do.I mean, when does this get easier?When?

Jason: Well, that's the hell of it sweetheart, it never gets easy; and the best you can hope for is just, little by little, day by day, you just keep living.And then one day you're gonna realise that you can be happy again.

Maggie: Oh, hi Ken, come in.

Jason: Hi Ken!I didn't know stock brokers made house calls.Oh my God, you've lost my money!

Ken: No...no..

Carol: Hi Ken.Let me just grab a jacket.I'll be right down.

Ken: Well Carol and I were gonna go a catch a matinee, if that's alright?

Maggie: Oh, sure, it's fine.

Ken: But, as long as I'm here, I might as well tell you; that stock you bought...well it hasn't been doing so well.

Jason: I'm just thrilled you're here!