07x14 - Tootie Drives

[bunniefuu]

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin'
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ Then suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

Is the mailman here yet?

No, tootie. No, tootie.

He's not coming. I got
this terrible feeling

That something
has happened to him.

Did I tell you guys
about, my dream?

Yes, tootie. Yes, tootie.

I dreamt I lost a tooth.

I checked in the dream book

And that means someone
close to you is gonna die.

And you figure
that's the mailman?

Who else?

That's him!

Back from the dead.

Hi! Oh, it's you.

Thanks, tootie. I needed that.

I was expecting the mailman.

And you got me...
What a letdown.

How was work?

I hate these early
morning services.

You're not still at
the funeral parlor?

They call it a mortuary
it's not that bad.

I just stand there and
greet the bereaved.

Quite a switch from
supermarket checker.

I know I have to keep fighting
the urge to say "have a nice day."

Yesterday this lady came in

I swear I almost
said, "bag or box."

This woman did she look like she
could have been married to a mailman?

I can't give out
information like that.

Her learner's permit
still hasn't come.

He's here... It was supposed
to come two days ago.

I could've been
practicing for two days.

Well, it's about time!

This is it! This
is it... It's here!

That's great, tootie.

My first learner's permit.

Jo, natalie, blair,

I'm so glad you were here

To share this with me.

The honor's all ours.

Oh thanks.

Can I borrow your car?

Not on your life.

Jo?

Tootie, I have a motorcycle.

You could trade it in.

Why don't you take driver's ed?

'Cause the next class
is in three months.

I can't wait three months.

I need wheels.

There's always
mrs. Garrett's vw.

You think she'll let me?

Mrs. Garrett's a
wonderful caring person

With your best
interest at heart.

You can use that against her.

Jo, I don't know how
to tell you this...

The city council just
passed an ordinance

Banning the use
of pink flamingos

On front lawns.

What?

Well they are a little
on the trashy side.

Trashy?

You are talking about
something uniquely american.

Something you'll see
anywhere you'll go.

From maine to alaska.

People driving by
can be reassured,

And say, "yes, martha,

We're still in the
land of the free."

In the home of the tacky.

What're you gonna
do with them all?

We can't send them back,

But we can't break the law.

We're gonna paint them blue.

No law against blue flamingos.

See, american ingenuity.

Mrs. Garrett, look.

I got my learner's permit.

That's wonderful, tootie.

So now you can get
a set of hot wheels

Cruise the drag and raise hell.

I can't wait to grow up.

No, andy, I'm gonna be a very
cautious and considerate driver.

Anyone lending me her
volkswagon to learn how to drive

Would never have to worry.

She's so subtle.

Well, you promise to
be very careful with it?

Promise.

I'm such a soft touch.

Thanks, mrs. Garrett.

All right, I got the
wheels... When do we start?

No, tootie, I hate teaching
people how to drive.

I just don't have the patience.

The person's always nervous,
then they make stupid mistakes,

Then they cry
when you slap them.

Why don't you ask blair.

I'd love to, tootie,
if only I didn't have

This fear of driving
in volkswagons.

You have a fear of volkswagons?

That I'll be seen in one.

Come on, guys, tootie is 16.

At 16 there is one thing you
want more than anything else.

There are two things you
want more than anything else.

One of them is to
be a licensed driver.

As her best friends I
think we owe it to tootie

To help her achieve that dream.

Thanks, nat.

And if I wasn't so busy,
I'd help you myself.

Some friend.

I'm working, tootie... I
have responsibilities.

People depend on me.

Ok, they're dead people,

But they depend on me.

Well this is just wonderful.

When I really need my friends,

They desert me.

All right, tootie,
I'll help you.

So will i.

I have some time.

Thanks.

I knew I could
count you you guys.

All right, we'll flip...
Loser takes her first.

Tails. Heads. Heads.

Please don't let it be me.

And I said I'll go first.

Thanks, nat.

You're a real friend.

Okay, seat belts on. Let's go.

Woah, woah, woah... Stop.

Did I hit something?

No, tootie, we haven't
started driving yet.

Then why were you yelling at me?

Don't sulk, tootie.

People who sulk and drive

Cause more accidents
than any other single group.

Okay, I'm not sulking.

Can I start the car?

No! There's a whole procedure
you have to go through

Before you start to drive.

Okay, okay.

First, "before
entering your vehicle,

Check for objects that might
interfere with it's safe movement."

I checked... There
are no objects.

Did you perhaps
notice the garage door?

I know it's easy to miss.

It's that large wooden
obstacle blocking our path.

I was gonna put it up.

Can I start the car now?

That depends.

"Did you take notice of the headlights,
taillights rear windows and windshield

"For cleanliness and breakage?

And did you make a visual inspect
of the tires for proper inflation?"

Naturally.

Good.

"See that all the doors are
closed tightly and locked.

"Now look for packages or other
objects that could strike someone

In the event of a quick stop."

I checked... There's nothing
around to strike someone with.

"Adjust mirrors.

Adjust air vents, windows
or air conditioners as needed."

I don't need them!

Fine.

Is there anything else?

No, that completes our
pre-driving check list.

Good.

"Now, your body
position is important.

"Sit erect, with your hands

At the 3:00 and 9:00 positions
on the steering wheel"

What are you doing?

I'm starting the car.

You'll notice my hand

Is in the key turning position.

Then turn it off.

Natalie!

Do you want me to teach you?

Thank you.

"Now first, make sure that
the gearshift lever is in park.

"Second, put your
foot on the brake.

"Third, depress the
accelerator once, then release it.

And forth, turn the key."

You flooded it. Now
the engine's flooded.

Didn't natalie show
you how to start a car?

I'm sorry, jo, I'm nervous.

I guess it's all the excitement
of possibly leaving the garage.

All right, well, while
we're sitting here,

Let's go over
some of the basics.

No more basics.

Tootie, this is important.

All right now, you have
10 major systems in a car.

The steering,
transmission, fuel,

Electrical,
lubrication, cooling,

Suspension, tires, braking...

I left one out.

What am I forgetting?

It's the steering,
transmission, fuel,

Electrical,
lubrication, cooling,

Suspension, tires, braking...

What am I forgetting here?

That I want to drive.

Exhaust!

Exhaust. That's it.

Can we go now?

Ok. Let's take the fuel system.

Now the fuel system brings fuel

From the gas t*nk
through the fuel line...

That little
doohickey right there.

That's the turning signal.

Right. And what does it do?

Well, you hit it when
you want to turn,

And a little light flashes on
the front and back of the car.

Good.

And what's that?

That's the headlight switch.

And what does it do?

Now, there, blair,
you stumped me.

All enough, you know
your instrument panel.

Let's move on to
something a bit tougher.

Driving?

Almost.

First we'll gonna
practice shifting.

I want to drive!

And you will...
Right after this.

First, depress the clutch.

There's is no clutch.

Did you hurt mrs. Garrett's car?

It's a*t*matic, blair.

Oh! All right. Ok.

Then, let's see.

Make sure it's in "p."

All right. Now what?

It's time to put the
key in the ignition.

Thank you.

And where would that be?

There's an easy rule.

Just find the steering wheel.

Then look to the right.

Look to the left,
look to the right,

Look to the left,
look to the right,

Look to the left,
look to the right,

And stop.

I don't think I can.

Ok. I'm all right now.

Keep your eyes moving

So you're always aware of
potential danger hazards around you.

Got it.

What's around you?

A rake, a shovel...

And some dangerous
looking luggage.

And what do you do if you
move and change your address?

Andy that's a dumb question.

If it's so dumb why is
it written here in bold?

Ask me something a
little more pertinent.

Okay, what's the address
of the dmv in utica?

Andy.

You think they don't
ask trick questions?

You got one more chance.

Ok. Pop quiz.

Subject... Road signs.

First one.

Stop. Please stop.

You're batting a thousand.

School crossing.

Andy, trust me... I know these.

You know how long it took
me to make these things?

Ok. Ok. Fine.

Road work ahead.

No trucks.

Caution, there are
snakes following your car.

Is that what it means?

What are you doing?

I'm gonna drive.

But I'm not a licensed driver.

Then jump.

Natalie!

Where are you going?

To get my license.

Okay, before
entering the vehicle,

Make sure there are
no object that interfer...

Rough day?

The worst. Payday.

Look at this check.

They really hit you
with deductions.

What's this... Breakage?

I dropped an urn.

Aw, natalie.

Nobody was in it.

Oh.

How's tootie?

The same... She keeps making
us give her pop quizzes.

I remember when I was her age...
The peer pressure was terrible.

That would be last year.

In my line of work,
every day is an eternity.

Quick, quick, ask me a question.

Okay, how are you doing?

Fine, fine... Everything
fine. Ask me another.

Tootie why are you putting
yourself through this?

Everybody fails their
first driver's test... I did.

Not me.

Passed mine the first time.

So did george, didn't he?

And those exceptions
prove the rule.

Natalie, you only
get two chances.

I blew the first one.

This time I'm gonna be ready.

Well at least you have
a lot of time to prepare.

Yup, about an hour and a half.

You're taking your test today?

It was the only
appointment I could get.

They did it to us again.

The city council expanded
the ban to include all flamingos

Of any color. Mrs. Garrett,
relax... Let me work on it.

Maybe I can turn them into
quails, or a nice vulture.

Hey, fire up the bug, mrs. G...
We're going to take another sh*t.

You mean today?

2:00.

Oh, tootie, you should
have let me know.

I put my car in the
shop for repairs.

Why did you do that?

Tootie, take it easy.

I'm sorry, mrs. Garrett.

Well maybe you
could use blair's car.

Don't even think it.

Blair, this is an emergency.

Tootie, it's not that I trust
you with my $40,000 car...

I don't, but that's not it.

It's the fact that my
car has a stick shift.

I can only drive an a*t*matic.

I am really sorry.

Maybe you could
reschedule it for next week.

It took me three weeks
to get this appointment.

Nat, do something.

Oh tootie, what do
you want me to do?

You're a very
resourceful person.

You've got friends,
you've got contacts,

And you've got
well over an hour.

Tootie don't lay this on me.

Ok, fine... Just remember.

Out of all the people
in the whole world,

I picked you to be
my very best friend.

Where am I gonna get a car?

I don't believe
you did this to me.

You wanted a car,
tootie, I got you a car.

This is a hearse.

Nat, you told me you
could get the company car.

Did I lie?

Just be careful.

I told the o'learys I was
taking it for a wash and wax.

They're fanatics
about this thing.

They notice every
little scratch.

Thanks, nat. I needed
the extra pressure.

I'm just gonna turn
around and go home.

Come on, what's the big deal?

It's just like driving
a station wagon.

The only difference is... Oops.

No.

No, tell me there's
not a body back there.

I'm kidding... Loosen up.

You stay this tense,
you're gonna fail.

Well, you're not helping any.

Then I won't say anything else.

It's not like he's
gonna climb up here.

Natalie!

I am kidding. There
is no one back there.

Do you want to look?

No, we're here already.

Pull into the line,
and I'll get out.

This is a mistake.
I'm not ready.

Sure you are. Just stay
loose. You'll do fine.

Booo!

You call that loose?

What are you doing
back there, natalie?

I promised the o'learys
I wouldn't leave the car.

You can't stay back there
while I'm taking the test.

Believe me, he's not
gonna look back here.

Dorothy ramsey?

No. Yes!

Yes... I mean, yes, I'm dorothy.

You're sure?

Positive. It's just that all
my friends call me tootie.

Any particular reason?

Well, if they didn't, then
they'd have to call me dorothy.

Got it.

I'm about to ask a
very stupid question.

It's a hearse.

Wasn't as stupid as I thought.

Type of vehicle, hearse.

I'll need the
vehicle registration.

Seamus and patricia o'leary.

Mom and dad?

Friends of the family.

Right.

I'll need your temporary permit.

I'm a little nervous, see I
failed the first test, you know,

And I'll be real
embarrassed if I fail again.

I'm sure you'll do fine.

Now, I'm not gonna try to trick you or
ask you do anything that's against the law.

Just follow my instructions.

Ok.

All right, you can
start the ignition.

Pull out of the drive, and
turn right onto the street.

Did I do all right?

If I made a mistake
I could do it again.

It was fine.

No really... It's no
trouble. I can do it again.

Really, it's fine.

In fact, I've never seen
anyone change lanes better.

You could speed
up a little, though.

Well, I don't want to
go over the speed limit.

I understand, but I'd
at least like to keep up

With the people
walking beside us.

Sorry.

All right, I'd like you to
turn right at the next corner.

[Phone rings]

Were you expecting a call?

It's got to be a wrong number.

Hello.

Is it really important?

One minute, please.

Sorry, wrong number.

See?

I'm about to ask
another stupid question.

Pretend I'm not here.

Go on with what you we're doing.

Could you pull over to the curb?

Thank you.

You realize there is to be no one else in
the car while we are conducting the test.

Let me explain.

No. No need.

I'm sure there's a rational reason
why you're riding in the back of a hearse.

Off hand I can't think
of what that could be...

But I don't get around much.

Why don't you just step out and
your friend pick you up after the test.

You want me to stand out there?

In the middle of nowhere

A woman alone, and
wait for 30 minutes?

Call it 45.

We can't just let
her stand out there.

Yeah, this is a
strange neighborhood.

Anything could
happen to me out there.

Do you want to be
responsible for that?

Isn't the dmv in just about
enough trouble as it is?

All right, we can just go back, and
you can make another appointment.

Get out of the car, nat.

Tootie!

I'm not waiting another month.

[Both shouting]

All right. All right. All right.

You can stay.

You are so sweet.

Get back there.
Don't make a sound.

I am bending the rules here.

Are you sure it's not
gonna effect my results?

Tootie, just drive.

I'm not even here.

Pull out and turn
left at the next corner.

[Phone rings]

That's for me.

Hello.

This is natalie.

Yes, sir, I'm at the
car wash right now.

You missed a spot on the hood!

Hold on.

Would it be at all
possible to make a pickup?

That would be a
little inconvenient, sir.

Yes, sir.

No problem.

Oh look at that... Look
at those poor people.

Their car broke down.

Swing wide around them.

Well, shouldn't we
see if they need help?

This is a driving test.

Well, that's my point, sir.

In the driver's manual,

It specifically says

That you should be a cautious
and considerate driver,

And be willing to help
your fellow motorists,

In a time of accident or mishap.

We really appreciate this.

We're from out
of town, you know.

Atlantic city.
We're on vacation.

Some vacation? We're
visiting his relatives.

Derrick, don't put
that on the dashboard.

There's a gas station.

It's not a "shell."

I have a shell card.

Bye. See you later.

Nice people.

So, how am I doing so far?

Pull out, turn to the right.

I'm really getting
the hang of this.

Do you think maybe we should
get some gas before we leave?

We really are a little low...

Pull out, and turn to right.

You got it.

All right.

I want you to make a
u-turn in this intersection.

[Engine not turning over]

I'm not saying a word.

[Horns honking]

Guess what?

You got it?

I got it.

We were so worried about you.

You were gone for hours.

I know.

I had to take the test twice.

The instructor said he wanted to
make sure I belonged on the streets.

Tootie, I am so proud of you.

And as a token of my esteem,

I want you to have this.

What is it?

Let me take a sh*t.

It's a red flamingo.

With no neck,

And fun fur stapled to its body.

Close, it's a robin. I
made dozens of them.

Thanks, andy.

Okay, that's one less
we have to unload.

Well guys, I gotta run I
gotta get the hearse back.

Hey, nat, listen, I have
this date friday night.

No, tootie.

♪♪