02x11 - Florida, the Matchmaker

[bunniefuu]

♪ Good times Any time
you meet a payment ♪

♪ Good times Any
time you need a friend ♪

♪ Good times Any time
you're out from under ♪

♪ Not gettin' hassled
Not gettin' hustled ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit
ripoffs Good times ♪

♪ Scratchin' and
survivin' Good times ♪

♪ Hangin' in a chow
line Good times ♪

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪

♪ Good times ♪♪

J.J., what are you doing?

I'm doing what all
great artistes do...

I'm painting a self-portrait.

I'm putting my ebony
beauty on canvas.

Are you ready to be bedazzled?

Ta-dah.

Hey, J.J., that
looks just like you.

Thank you.

That's why if I
were you, I'd burn it.

Hold it there.
Hold on there, girl.

You're looking at a face
that will make the foxes fight,

because what you see
here is Kid Dy-no-mite!

Listen, Kid Dy-no-mite,
while I tell it right.

The only foxes
that'll fight for you

are the ones who look
like they belong in a zoo.

Oh, Ma, you look beautiful.

Thanks, honey.

Oh, Ma, I love this dress.

Well, I owe that
to my designers.

It's an original J.C. Penney.

You know,

this is the first time in years
I didn't make my own dress,

but I figured

this was going to be
an uptown wedding,

so I thought I'd wear
an uptown dress.

It's a little tight downtown.

Oh, Ma, don't say that.

You're going to be
the prettiest one there.

When you walk in anywhere,

your smile lights
up the whole place.

Oh, thanks, honey.

And I take after you...

lightning up the place.

Right.

In your case, there
is a power failure.

What you talking
about, a power failure?

The girl with the
turned-off face

and the -watt mouth.

All right, kids.

That's enough. That's enough.

Where's the wedding at, Ma?

Ooh, only at the Empire Room.

Wow!

Whoo-whee!

I took Henrietta to
eat there one time

and all we could
afford was the tip.

Surprised you could afford that.

Hey, baby, ain't Michael
back with my suit yet?

Not yet, honey.

That was some party

you guys gave Eddie last night.

Yeah.

You know, I could have gotten
the stains out of your lapels,

but how in the world did
you get barbecue sauce

on the back of your pants?

I don't remember.

I asked Eddie and
he don't remember.

Matter of fact,

don't none of the guys
seem to remember,

but one thing is
for sure, baby...

It was a night to remember.

Boy, that was some party.

Hey, Dad, when I get married,

you're going to throw me
one of those parties too, huh?

Oh, yeah, Junior.

We're going to have
a big one for you.

Going to be lights, cameras,

plenty of action.

Kid Dy-no-mite going to
be the main attraction...

as soon as he gets a job.

Lorraine and Eddie

sure waited a long
time to get married.

How long were
they going together?

Oh, about years...

but Lorraine
finally put it to him.

She said, "If you want to
keep on eating chicken here

"every Sunday,

"you're going to
have to stick around

for the rest of the
week for leftovers."

Well, it looks like

all your old friends
are married now, huh?

Yeah, all except Willona.

How come Willona ain't married?

Well, maybe it's because
she was married before,

and she don't want
to get into that again,

but, you know,

I think if she goes
to this wedding today,

she just might give
it some thought.

You know what the problem
with Willona is, baby?

She's too picky.

Oh, Daddy, she's
got a right to be picky.

She's a beautiful
woman, she's smart...

Yeah, but, Thelma,

she ought not to stay picky,

because women
that play hard to get

don't get got.

But, James, how
could you say that?

I played hard to
get, and I got got.

Well, in some cases,

women that's got shall get.

Have mercy.

You know, you
had a lot of tricks

working for you, though.

Mm-hmm.

Only reason I gave
up smoking cigarettes

is because every time
I blew a smoke ring,

you kept putting
your finger through it.

Oh, James, how you talk.

Daddy, Mama's always told
me how much you courted her.

Yeah, well, I might
have did the courting,

but your mother here
did the navigating.

What? Yeah, you did.

Boy, she had a lot of
stuff working for her.

Every time I asked her if
she wanted to go to a movie,

she'd pick out a picture

like Seven Brides
for Seven Brothers,

Honeymoon Hotel,
Member of the Wedding,

Bride of Frankenstein.

Bride of Frankenstein?

Yeah, I guess Ma figured if
Frankenstein'd get married,

so could Dad.

All of a sudden,

I feel a sudden urge
to go to the bathroom.

Hi, Daddy. I got your suit.

Yes, it's looking fine too.

I'm not expecting a big tip,

but it sure would
be a nice surprise.

No surprise, huh?

Uh-uh.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello? Just a minute. James!

Yeah.

It's for you.

All right. Thank you.

Hello?

Hey, Dwayne.

How you doing, man?

What?

You were at the
party last night?

Did we have fun?

Say what?

We ran Eddie
through the car wash?

Yeah, we got him
all steam-cleaned

and hot-waxed for
the wedding, huh?

Yeah.

Aw, man, I'll never
forget last night.

Nothing.

Huh?

I forgot about that.

Oh, yeah, we'll be ready.

We appreciate it too.

Okay.

Yeah, Dwayne's going to drive by

and pick us up, take
us to the wedding.

Oh, that's nice.

Then we wouldn't have to
take the El and two buses.

Yeah.

Hey, Daddy, you know
I read in a magazine

that James Brown
used to shine shoes

in front of the radio
station that he now owns.

Well, I ain't got
no radio station.

How about a quarter?

All right.

Ma, you know, personally,

I don't believe in
those fancy weddings

like Lorraine and
Eddie are having.

When I get married,

it's just going to be
my husband and me,

up on a lonely hilltop,

saying our vows to each other.

There'd better be a preacher
up on that lonely hilltop,

or you'd better not
come back to the valley.

Oh, Ma.

Hi, Flo. You're looking good.

Thank you.

Why aren't you
dressed for the wedding?

Because I ain't going.

You ain't going?

Uh-uh.

Oh, Lorraine's going
to be heartbroken

if you don't show up.

Honey, she'd only be
heartbroken if Eddie don't show up.

Come on, Flo.

You know what a
drag weddings are.

A drag? Mm-hmm.

Seeing all our
old friends again?

Now, that's the
part that's a drag.

You know,

because they always pull
the same old jive routine...

"Willona, darling,
it's been years,

and, you know, you
don't look a day older,"

and then I say,

"Honey, you know,
that's the truth.

You don't look a
day older either,"

and inside, we're both
thinking the same thing,

"That chick is
ready for Medicare."

Oh, Willona, you
know you look great.

Something else
must be bugging you.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll tell you
what's bothering me.

What is it?

Now, practically everybody

going to be there's
going to be married, right?

Mm, yeah.

Okay, and the minute
I walk in the door,

I know exactly

what they're all going to say,

"Willona, when you
going to be next?"

And to make sure I'm next,

they going to try to unload
any dude who's single

and wearing a pair of pants.

Now, I'm liable
to wind up dancing

with a little, old,
bald-headed sucker

who's breathing onion
dip directly up into my face,

or better yet,

a -pound monster
who thinks he's romantic,

singing in my ear while
he's stomping on my toes,

and those are the
good-looking ones.

Oh, now, Willona, you know
it's not as bad as all that.

Then all my happy,
helpful girlfriends,

honey, somehow, they
force me in a corner,

and out comes all
the baby pictures.

Then I've got to go,

"Ooh, ooh, honey, she...
Ooh, she's beautiful.

Oh, darling, he is adorable."

Then I find out
that he's the "she"

and she's the "he."

Willona, people don't go around

showing pictures of
their kids anymore.

Oh, no?

No.

Flo, is this the purse

you're taking to the wedding?

Yeah.

What we got here?

Well, I just took them along
in case somebody asked.

Well, at least,

you can tell J.J. from Thelma.

I sure hope so.

Flo, it's m*rder.

Everybody is trying
to get me married.

Well, I ain't going
to put myself through

those unnecessary changes

on my only day of rest.

I ain't going.

But, Willona,
everybody's expecting you.

Florida, there ain't no way
I'm going to that wedding.

A single woman at that wedding

is like a ham hock
at a bar mitzvah.

Hey, I thought I heard
Willona's voice out here.

Ain't she here?

You thought right.

Well, is she ready to go?

She ain't going, James.

Thanks, Junior.

Well, what's the
matter with her?

I don't know.

It's just not like Willona.

She's going through
a change, huh?

Michael.

He reads, Ma. He reads.

Yeah, he reads things
I don't understand.

Michael, go outside and play.

This is no conversation
for a little boy.

Okay.

I'm a member of this family,

and I don't even get a
chance to sit down and rap.

Later.

Honey, you know the
trouble with Willona

is she's not married,

and she don't like going places

where people
bringing up the subject.

She's sensitive and
unhappy about it.

Florida, what you talking about?

You know Willona's happy.
She's always cracking jokes.

That just could be the
cover-up of how she really feels.

You know, she spends
an awful lot of time alone

in that apartment.

Yeah, maybe we ought to get her

a pair of goldfish.

They don't talk much,

but you don't have
to housebreak them.

[KNOCKING]

Hey, I bet you that's
Dwayne now, baby.

I'll get it.

Hey, Dwayne, how you doing, man?

Hey, James.

Hi, Florida. Hi, kids.

Hi, Dwayne.

Dwayne, it has been a long time,

but you look just great.

Thanks. I feel great.

I don't know

when I've seen you look better.

Your wife must be
taking good care of you.

Real good.

She divorced me six months ago.

So you're not married now.

No.

James, you never told me.

It never came up.

Single, huh?

Right.

My, my.

You do look good.

You going with anybody now?

No, I'm kind of
playing it loose now.

Oh, now, that's interesting.

Well, I must say again,

I can't get over
how good you look.

Try.

Dwayne, why don't you
go on downstairs, man.

I'll be down there in a minute.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, nice seeing you kids.

Okay, bye, Dwayne.

I'll see you later.

All right.

Now, Florida, come on, now,

promise you're
going to cool it here.

No matchmaking, hear?

Cool what?

You know I can see
that arithmetic going on

in your head.

You think Willona plus
Dwayne equal Mr. and Mrs. Pool.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Although the thought
never entered my mind.

Never entered?

Baby, it's occupying
every nook and cranny.

Come on, Florida,

promise you ain't going to
do no matchmaking here.

But, James, it's so easy.

Now, promise now.
No matchmaking, baby.

All right, I promise.

Okay, let's go.

We'll see you kids. Bye, Daddy.

Bye, Ma. Have a good time.

Bye, kids. All right.

Now, y'all behave yourself, huh?

Okay, Mom, we will.

Oh, James, wait
here by the elevator.

I want to tell
Willona something.

Hey, now, Florida.

Now, you promised now.
No matchmaking, hear?

I just want to stop by
and ask her to drop in

and look on the kids
while we're gone.

Lord, forgive me for
breaking this promise,

but if I remember my
Adam and Eve correctly,

it was you who started
this matchmaking business.

Thelma, can't you
see I'm reading?

Well, go read somewhere else.

I was here first.
Cut it out, Thelma.

Good morning, kids.

BOTH: Good morning, Ma.

Oh, Ma, how was the wedding?
Was it a beautiful ceremony?

I don't know.

I cried so loud, I
didn't hear none of it.

How did Lorraine look?

Oh, she was great,
and they did it up fancy.

She had something old,

something new,
something borrowed,

and something blue.

How come she didn't
have something black?

She did, honey... of us.

Oh, Ma.

Morning.

Morning, Daddy.
Good morning, James.

Is that coffee
ready yet, Florida?

Not quite.

Damn.

James, it's Sunday morning.

I know it's Sunday morning.

Damn.

What's bothering you, Daddy?

There's nothing
bothering your father.

Florida, how can you stand
there and say it was nothing?

Well, it was nothing.

What happened?

Nothing. Nothing?

Boy, if this is the way Dad
acts when nothing happens,

I'd hate to be around
when something happens.

Junior, you was the
first-born, wasn't you?

Yeah.

You bucking to
be the first to go?

Well, something tells me

I'm about to be sent
out to play again.

I bet I play more
basketball than Walt Frazier.

Daddy, what happened?

All right, Thelma.

I'm about to give
you the latest episode

in the continuing series
called "Broken Promises,"

starring Florida Evans.

We got ready to
go to the wedding,

and she said,

"James, wait here
by the elevator

"while I go in and tell Willona

to look in on the kids,"

so I waited.

Meanwhile, Dwayne
is downstairs waiting,

so who comes
walking out of the house

all dressed up and ready to go
to the wedding with your mother?

Willona.

Oh, Ma, you got Willona to go.

How'd you do it?

Well, I promised

I wouldn't let nobody
at the wedding

keep hassling her
about getting a man.

Yeah, and that's
one promise she kept.

Well, couldn't nobody
get close to Willona,

because your mother
was doing all the hassling...

And then when we
got to the wedding,

she found out Willona
was sitting with us

at table three,

and Dwayne was sitting
way down at table eight.

Well, Thelma, your mother
got downright hysterical.

She must have moved
everybody in that building around

till she finally got
Willona and Dwayne

sitting next to each other.

James, you know
you're exaggerating.

I only asked one couple to move.

Yeah, baby, but
the bride and groom?

Oh.

Hey, baby, you
know I'm only teasing.

But then all through dinner,

she kept yakking
in Dwayne's ear,

talking about, "Dwayne,
ain't Willona beautiful?

"Dwayne, ain't Willona cute?

Dwayne, ain't Willona charming?"

The way she was
hitting at the man,

you'd thought he
was a goal line,

and she was Mercury Morris.

Oh, James, it
wasn't that obvious.

It was too.

You know, I told you, Florida,

this matchmaking is
dangerous business.

Now, you throw
two people together,

you'll never know
what's going to happen...

Mostly trouble.

Oh, I don't know
about that, James.

When my Uncle Harry
and my Aunt Charlotte

got married, that was arranged.

Huh?

He must have been
happy. They had children.

Maybe he was trying to
lose your Aunt Charlotte

in the crowd.

But you didn't say what
happened with Willona and Dwayne.

Did they dig each other?

Are you kidding?

Your mother come on so strong,

Dwayne got up in
the middle of dinner,

excused himself, and
got the hell out of there.

James, now, you know he left

because he wasn't feeling well.

No, baby, that was
just a polite way

of saying all that talk
was driving him crazy.

Then a half hour
later, Willona left.

Her excuse was a
splitting headache,

but you know why she left.

All right, so I
messed up, I admit it,

but I was only trying to get
two nice people together.

I didn't mean no harm.

I know that, baby.

I hope you learned
your lesson too.

See, butting in other
people's business,

it can't cause
nothing but trouble.

Hi, y'all.

Hi, folks.

Now, Dwayne just picked me
up to go out for the afternoon,

so we thought we'd
stop by and say hello.

Dwayne, you didn't tell
me. Where are we going?

Oh, I thought we'd take a drive.

I know a nice place down by
the shore. You're going to like it.

I will if it's half as nice as
the place we went to last night.

Oh, yeah.

You two were
together last night?

Oh, yeah.

After the wedding, we
went for a little late dinner.

But I don't understand.

Dwayne, you said
you weren't feeling well,

and, Willona, you said
you had a headache.

Florida, the minute
I saw Willona,

I dug her.

I tried to talk to her, but
I didn't have a chance.

But you were sitting
right next to each other.

Yeah, I know, but...

No hard feelings, Florida...

But you were talking so much

that I didn't have a chance

to get a word in edgewise.

Ahem.

So you two like each other?

We are together
like white on rice.

Alrighty.

Well, James,

what were you saying
about making trouble?

Well, no, you
misunderstood me, baby.

What I said was, "The
minute they saw each other,

I knew they was
going to hit it off."

James.

But, Dad, you said...

That's what you said.

You... you did say that.

Oh, Willona, I'm
so happy for you,

I don't know what
to do. Florida, honey.

Florida, could I
talk to you in private

for just one minute?

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Have a seat. I'll be
right out. Okay, honey.

Hey, you want a beer or
something while we waiting?

No, man, we're going
to have lunch pretty soon.

Willona, I'm just
so happy for you,

I don't know what to do.

I just knew it

the minute I laid eyes on you,

you were going to
make a nice couple...

Flo. Flo! Wait. What?

Listen to me. What?

I've got a strong feeling

you are counting on a wedding.

I mean, you say
you like each other.

Sure, we like each other,

and what's all this talk
about me starting a new life?

You make it seem like
the life I have is so bad.

Florida, this may come
as a shock to you, honey,

but I've got a good life,
and I'm enjoying myself.

I was only trying to help.

Florida, where is it written

that every woman
has got to be married,

or she's a nobody, hmm?

You know, it's really funny.

A man over who's unmarried,
the world calls him a "swinger."

A woman over who's
unmarried, they call her an "old maid."

Now, I am not knocking
families and kids,

but that is just not my bag.

Oh, Willona, how
could you say that,

the way you feel about our kids?

Florida, I love those
three characters,

honey,

but if I had to raise them,
I'd be climbing the walls.

Florida, you know,
when I was married,

I figured I might be
pregnant one day,

so I went down to one of
those Red Cross schools

to try to learn
about raising babies.

Mm-hmm.

Now, would you believe I
flunked "Talcum Powder"?

Oh, come on, Willona.

No, Florida, let's face facts.

There are different
strokes for different folks.

That's all.

Now, you take my
cooking as an example.

You know my cooking is so bad

that the alley cats
picket the garbage pail?

All right, I shouldn't
have interfered.

I should have known better.

That's okay, honey,
because I know

where you was coming from,

but you've got to
promise me something.

Please, don't worry about
me, because I am fine.

But...

Hey, honey, I know
I'm alone sometime,

but there's a big difference

between being alone
and being lonely.

And the one thing
I ain't is lonely.

Well, I know you
understand, honey.

Now, Willona got a
dude waiting on her,

so come on.

Come on, man.

Dwayne, dear, I am
ready whenever you are.

Okay, honey, I'm ready too.

Hey, Willona. Huh?

What was going on in there?

Oh, nothing, James,
just a little girl talk.

I'll see ya later.

Have a good time.

Have a nice time.

Well, James, you were
right and I was wrong.

Do me a favor. Hmm?

The next time I open my mouth

and try to do any matchmaking,

shut it up real fast.

All this time,

I ain't found but one
way to shut your mouth.

Hey, I got some
big news for you.

I just left Willona's,

and she and Dwayne
were out again last night.

Oh, Ma, that's not big news.
They been out six times already.

The big news is Dwayne proposed.

Now, that's big news.

Florida, I hope
you're finally satisfied

now that you done finally
fricasseed Dwayne's chicken.

His chicken is still in the pot.

Willona didn't
turn on the flames.

She said no.

She turned him down?

Now I guess you
realize she meant it

when she said she didn't
want to get married again.

Where Willona get off
being so high and mighty,

turning down a good
solid dude like Dwayne?

Well, baby, he ain't got
nothing to worry about.

If he's serious about
getting married,

there's this nice girl
down at the car wash,

got a good steady
job, good-looking.

She'd appreciate
somebody like Dwayne too.

I'm going to see
that they get together,

because one...

What you doing?

Shutting your mouth, matchmaker.

Takes one to know one.

Then shut my mouth.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Mm-mm-mm ♪

♪ Just lookin' Out
of the window ♪

♪ Watching the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinkin' how It all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good times Good times ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs Good times ♪

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Times is recorded on tape

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♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪

♪ Good times ♪♪