02x02 - he Schultz Brigade

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.

( theme song playing ) play anymore.

You want to try it? You want to go? Think of a card.

Think of a card.

All right, I'm thinking of a card.

What's the card? Uh You don't have to come to attention.

Hi, Schultz.

Hi, Schultz.

What's the card? It's nothing.

Nothing.

Five of diamonds? You owe me Oh, Colonel Hogan.

You don't even have to read it.

It's nothing.

Nothing! All right, Schultz.

Wait a minute.

"Attention, Allied prisoners: "For fun, fame and fortune, join the illustrious Luftwaffe"?! LeBEAU: Are you asking us to be a traitor, Schultz? ( all yelling ) Please! Please! I have nothing to do with this.

Order from the propaganda ministry.

Herr Goebbels, he always thinks of things like this.

All right, Schultz.

You did your duty.

Get out of here.

Right away, Colonel Hogan.

Of course, there is a little speech which goes with this notice, but if anybody asks you, just say I made it.

Wait, wait a minute, Schultz.

We'd like to hear it.

Right, fellas? ( all agreeing ) Speech, speech! I'd like to hear it.

Come on, Schultzy.

Go on.

Make the speech.

( clearing throat ) "Former members of a second-rate air force" You don't want to hear it.

HOGAN: Yes, we do, Schultz.

We'd like to hear the speech, right, fellas? Sure, let's hear the speech.

Speech, speech! "Why are you are continuing to rot in our escape-proof prisons?" Figure of speech.

Sure, sure.

"Face the fact that your side is losing the w*r.

" We're losing?! Somebody's losing it.

That's the important point.

Eh "Why not put your training to a useful purpose? "Help the Luftwaffe shape the society of the future "in the skies of Europe.

"We offer you a chance to get in on the ground floor "and become a part of the glorious history of the Thousand Year Reich!" Forget that I mentioned it.

Wait.

No, no, no, Schultz.

It's a great idea.

It is? Yeah, for our side.

I'm going to get some German officers to defect to us, send them to England to organize the German prisoners there into a new fighting force.

You know what it's going to be called? Is it important that I know? The Schultz Brigade.

The Schultz Brigade? That's a great idea! Please, Colonel Hogan.

Yes, indeed, Schultz.

I can see it now.

You'll be a legend in your own time.

The Schultz Brigade, in memory of the intrepid guard I hear nothing! Nothing! Gentlemen, think how hard this is for me.

General Burkhalter is my best friend.

He is my best friend also, Klink, but do you want to be general or not? Of course, Colonel Burmeister, of course.

Could you please keep your voice down? Klink, how often must we talk of this? Just one more time.

All right, Klink.

You command Stalag 13.

I command Stalag 10, and Bussie commands Stalag 19.

General Burkhalter commands us.

Now, if all three of us denounce him to the Gestapo separately, but with the same complaint, then he will be deposed and one of us will be made general in his place.

Uh-huh.

But that's only one chance out of three.

What chance do you have now? Considerably less.

All right, so let us stop these weeks of talking and do it! Shh, please keep your voice down.

( quietly ): And do it.

Uh, what complaint did we agree on? He is forcing us to give him 40% from the prisoner's food allowance.

Forty percent.

And the Gestapo knows that he pays them only on the basis of collecting Naturally, they will not tolerate dishonesty.

Naturally.

Did I mention he was my best friend? You mentioned it, Klink! You've mentioned it! Shh! Please, your voice.

No one can hear, Klink.

No one.

I know that no one can hear, but you must realize this situation is, uh, delicate.

How do you like that? Just when everything's perfect, Klink wants to be a general.

I didn't know Burkhalter was his best friend.

He's doing it to his best friend.

Shocking, I call it.

I knew things were going too smooth: Escapees being processed through here like clockwork, our sabotage squad blowing up everything in sight, our printing press turning out more money than the German mint, and Klink wants to make general.

What do we do, Colonel? We've got to stop him some way.

Because if, by chance, he does get his promotion and leaves here, our goose is cooked.

We'd never get another commandant like Klink.

You can say that again.

Let's hear it for old Klinky! Hip, hip! ( LeBeau whoops ) However, on the other hand, he's liable to bungle it and get caught-- ( imitates g*nsh*t ) We've got a new commandant.

Well, it would seem to me, summing up this situation, that what we need is some real action.

Some kind of action, right? Wrong.

On second thought, you know what's going to happen? He's going to get cold feet and chicken out-- listen.

BURMEISTER: Then we are agreed.

Bussie? Agreed.

Klink? Certainly.

Agreed, agreed.

Did I tell you that I almost married the general's sister? We all almost married the general's sister! Congratulations on your narrow escape.

Are you in or out, Klink? Yes and no.

Klink! Looks like you called that one, Colonel.

That's our boy.

I better get over there and break it up before they talk him into it again.

Nobody allowed to leave the building.

Nobody allowed to leave any building.

Why? Strict orders by General Burkhalter.

Burkhalter's here? He just came through the front gate and seized the camp.

Anybody disobeying his orders will be sh*t.

Anybody questioning his orders will be sh*t.

Anybody asking the meaning of his orders will be sh*t.

What do you think it means? Trouble.

Could you tell me what kind? As a matter of fact, I could.

Please don't.

For the last time, Klink! Am I interrupting? Ah, General Burkhalter.

How very nice to see you.

From now on, it will not be so nice.

Three weeks ago, Klink, you and Burmeister visited Bussie at Stalag 19.

Last week, Bussie, you and Klink visited Burmeister at Stalag 10.

And now, I see you all here at Stalag 13.

You have become very social, you three.

Oh, just a discussion of prison problems, General Burkhalter.

We never stop trying to build better mousetraps.

You take me for a fool, Klink? Do you not know that I have my sources of information? When I see my colonels getting together for a little chat, I know what they are talking about-- a plot to replace me.

( all protesting ) Oh, no, no.

Stop pretending! I only want to know one thing.

Who will save his skin by informing on the other two? I believe that General Burkhalter knows that, as a man of honor, I would never inform on my fellow officers were I involved in a conspiracy.

However, since I'm completely innocent and it was all the idea of Bussie and Burmeister Klink, you knew it was your idea! had nothing to do with that! Quiet! You're all under arrest in quarters.

I will see to it that you get a fair trial immediately, after which you will be sh*t.

But, General, you promised me But of course, Klink.

You will be sh*t last.

Huh? Thank you, sir.

Psst! Schultz! Halt! Who goes there? Oliver Twist.

Oliver Twist.

Colonel Hogan, you should not even be here.

I have the unhappy duty of guarding Herr Kommandant Klink.

Nobody is allowed to approach.

I don't want to approach him, Schultz.

I just want to see him.

No, no, no, no, no! It would be worth my life.

You're right, Schultz.

By the way, have you seen General Burkhalter? Why? I want to give him a progress report on the Schultz Brigade.

There is no Schultz Brigade.

Right, right.

Right? Yeah.

But when Burkhalter hears of the organizing job you're doing, with that special kind of courage coupled with that tremendous drive Please, Colonel Hogan, go in quietly.

Do not stay long.

And leave without being seen.

You're a good sentry, Schultz.

Should I give my compliments to your superiors? Please, Colonel Hogan! Let's face it, Klink.

You blew the ball game.

You're right, Hogan.

I blew it.

Sweetest setup in the whole German army and you wanted to be a general.

Hogan, every man in my class has made general.

How many of them k*lled in action? Quite a few.

How many of them sh*t by the Fuhrer? Quite a few more.

And you couldn't be happy? I was a fool, Hogan.

I see it now.

The next time There ain't gonna be no next time! Hogan, he can't sh**t a man who almost married his sister.

One will get you 20.

Why did I listen to those other two? I knew they were not to be trusted.

Maybe because you're not to be trusted.

You're right.

Of course I am.

Hogan, why am I sitting here taking your abuse? I'm the one to be sh*t.

I just wanted to arouse your fighting spirit.

Now we can plan.

Pla Plan? What plan? You mean you can help me? Hogan, I give you my word, I'll be a better commandant.

I will be more humane, more understanding, less harsh.

You suit us just fine.

When's your trial come up? Tomorrow.

General Burkhalter will conduct it himself.

Call me as a witness.

Why? You don't know anything about this.

That's right.

My mind won't be cluttered with a lot of facts.

You mean you would lie for me? Wouldn't you do the same for me, sir? Hogan, I never realized, deep down, how you must love me.

Not just me, sir, all the men.

All the men.

I must live for them.

It would be a help, sir.

The prisoners will now rise.

So, the facts are now all in, the evidence has been heard, and I'm therefore ready to pronounce sentence.

General Burkhalter, sir? This is not meant as a criticism, General Burkhalter-- you are doing an excellent job in judging this case-- but, uh may I point out that, uh we have not heard the evidence? Of course not.

Of course not.

Of course not? My informants are my own, and I personally dictated your confession so that I'm sure it is correct.

Oh, that's most efficient, sir.

But, uh I would like to call one witness in my defense.

Klink, I have an important engagement for lunch.

Fraulein Hilda, how could you? Call your witness, Klink, and get it over with.

Of course, Herr General.

Thank you, sir.

Schultz, call Colonel Hogan.

Colonel Hogan! No.

Go get him.

Jawohl, Colonel.

What does Hogan have to do with this? Sir, I would like him to tell you that.

Bussie, Burmeister, sit down.

Thank you, Herr General.

With the court's permission, sir, I would like the witness to be seated over there.

Hogan, did I or did I not have a conversation with you two days ago concerning Colonel Bussie, Colonel Burmeister, seated over there? Yes, sir, you did.

Uh-huh.

And, uh, at that time, did I indicate to you that there had been conversations with these men at Stalag 10, Stalag 19? And that these conversations would continue here at Stalag 13 the next day, which would be yesterday? Yes, sir.

You certainly did.

Aha! And did I divulge to you the nature of these conversations? Yes, sir.

Take down every word of this, Fraulein Hilda.

This is most important.

Now, did I tell you that Bussie and Burmeister had formed a plot against General Burkhalter? That they were going to discredit him, and that they were going to oust him? How's that, sir? Hogan, please try to concentrate.

Did I not tell you that Bussie and Burmeister were forming a plot against General Burkhalter, and that I was playing along until I could uncover their sordid scheme and report it to the general? No, sir.

The answer is yes, Hogan.

Let him give his own answers, Klink.

Hogan, did I not tell you that? What did I tell you? That you tried to get Bussie and Burmeister involved in a plot against the general, but they turned you down and threatened to expose you.

Hogan! Isn't that what you wanted me to say? You have said enough, Hogan.

Bussie, Burmeister, stand up.

It would seem that you are cleared.

However, I would like you to remain at Stalag 13 until I have completed my investigation.

Jawohl, Herr General.

Very fine General Burkhalter, I give you my word, I never talked to Colonel Hogan about this at all.

What am I saying? I have no idea, Klink.

What I have to say will be brief.

Tomorrow, you will be sh*t.

Come, my dear.

Gee, these courtroom things are kind of tricky, aren't they? ( grunts ) Herr Kommandant, uh, I have always admired Put that down! * A toast, a toast * To fine and dear old * Hi.

Hogan! Our beautiful friend.

And we hardly even knew you.

We're going to get better acquainted.

Here, your new uniforms.

American Air Corps?! I I do not think I understand, Colonel.

Well, look, I'll make this quick.

I fingered Klink because he's too tough a commandant.

He's cunning and cruel.

Klink? Yes, Klink.

And Burkhalter's not going to stop there.

The Gestapo's going to get involved in this.

I might even talk.

Oh, you wouldn't.

We trust you.

Well, don't.

I turned on Klink, I could turn on you.

I'm a fink.

Understand? A fink.

But Colonel, what are we going to do? Put on these uniforms; I'll get you out of Germany.

We cannot defect.

We are career officers.

So was Klink.

They're retiring him tomorrow with a ten-g*n salute.

Pow! He's right, Bussie.

You sure we cannot trust you? Positive.

Well, thank you, Colonel, thank you.

BURMEISTER: Thank you.

Oh, it's you.

It's definitely you.

How is it, Newkirk? Well, I have had worse fits, sir.

I borrowed me mum's swimsuit once, when I was four.

Nobody's perfect.

How are your accents? Jawohl, Herr Colonel.

Don't say too much.

Carter? Jabole, Herr Colonel.

Don't say anything at all.

g*ns loaded? Ja, ja.

Now, your g*ns have the real b*ll*ts, and we've got the blanks.

The other way around.

Oh, yeah, the other way around.

Yeah.

That's the way I had it.

You're sure? I just forgot.

Yeah, all right, fine.

Remember, when you fire at us, aim over our heads.

Right.

Don't worry about a thing, Colonel.

Is it time to go now? It's 9:20.

Move out in eight minutes: 9:28.

Check.

Oh, yeah, we've-we've got The real b*ll*ts.

the real b*ll*ts.

Yeah.

* When the soldiers march through the town * * Dee-brump-ba-brump-ba-bee * * Be-dridle-da-la * De-ra-rump-ah * Dee-da-da-da-da-da-da * Rump-ba-rump-ba-ba-ba * De-da-da-rump * A-when the soldiers Drop the g*n, Schultz.

Hogan.

Come on, drop it.

( grunts ) Sorry to do this, but I got to see Colonel Klink.

You cannot! You can.

( keys jingling ) ( latch opening ) Come on, Schultz.

Open the door.

Don't do it, Schultz! I'm not going anywhere with you, Hogan.

You betrayed me.

And I hated myself for it, but something much bigger has come up.

What could be bigger than my getting sh*t? Burkhalter getting sh*t, because he's a general.

What are you saying, Hogan? Just saw Bussie and Burmeister go into his quarters to get rid of him-- we got to stop 'em.

Schultz, call out the guards! What good's that gonna do ya? Don't call out the guards.

Let them sh**t him.

Sure, and you're gonna be next.

Schultz, open the door.

( keys jingling ) You mean the two of us into an ambush like this? I-I beg your pardon, Herr Kommandant, but I think Colonel Hogan has an excellent idea.

Good.

You're coming along, too.

Into an ambush? Come on, let's go.

I think we'll be late.

We're right on the nose.

Let's go.

Schultz! It's time to put the mask on.

Hey, it gives your face definition somehow.

You really think so? Everything set? Colonel Burmeister, and Colonel Bussie to see you, General.

Tell them to go away.

Hands up! Schnell! This will not take long, General.

What is the meaning of this? You convicted the wrong man! Klink was innocent! What do you intend to do? We are going to k*ll you, but do not worry, your position will be filled immediately by one of us.

Bussie! Burmeister! This is all so unnecessary.

I was thinking of retiring.

I was just saying to Hilda, who would succeed me but one of you two? Uh my dearest friends.

What of Klink? Forget him.

He's to be sh*t.

I never could stand the man.

KLINK: Burmeister! Bussie! You're surrounded.

Come out with your hands up! What a wonderful friend.

Down, get down.

KLINK: Burmeister! Bussie! ( g*nf*re continues ) Hey, watch where you're sh**ting! NEWKIRK: sh**t over their heads.

We've got the real b*ll*ts, remember? ( b*llet clangs ) Oh, you! ( g*nf*re continues ) I'm going to call out the guards.

Don't do that, they'd sh**t you.

You're an escaped prisoner.

Shouldn't we take that chance? Look, the only way is to rush them.

How many sh*ts have they fired? Hogan, who's counting? I'm gonna draw their fire.

( with German accent ): Cease fire, or I will sh**t Burkhalter! Colonel Klink will not be intimidated! I will not be intimidated! Klink! This is no time for you to get courageous.

NEWKIRK: Do not raise your head.

Not even once.

I'm not even considering it.

( two g*nshots ) Two sh*ts muffled.

They've k*lled themselves.

Come on, let's go.

Colonel Hogan, if they are dead, what is the hurry? Schultz, you're a coward.

Now you go first.

Come on, let's get them up.

General Burkhalter, where are they? Ah, they probably went out the back way-- I'll check.

Klink, you saved me, Klink.

Schultz, call the guard.

Guard! No, outside! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

My dear, good friend.

How I have misjudged you.

Not at all, Herr General.

And you, like a brother.

You could be a brother.

Huh? My sister is still on the market.

Yes? Well Close call, General.

I guess I'll be getting along.

BURKHALTER: Wait! It is your fault that I condemned Klink.

I want this man severely punished.

Severely punished.

Colonel Hogan! Thanks a lot.

Hey, it worked like a charm, huh, Colonel? What a brilliant operation.

Ah, knock it off.

What happens if we get caught, Colonel Hogan? You have made us the most hunted men in all Germany.

My heart bleeds for you.

If you guys hadn't started this plot, I wouldn't have drawn But you are sure you can get us out of the country? I'm sure almost.

But, Hogan Almost?! Now, look, when you get to England, don't forget your mission, to organize the Schultz Brigade.

The Schultz Brigade.

Right.

Play your cards right, you might make second lieutenant.

But who is Schultz? Who is Schultz?! Yeah.

Only the most courageous, intrepid, daring, gutsy ( door opens ) I see nothing.

Nothing! That's Schultz.

All right, Hogan, come in, come in.

Now, Hogan, before I commit you to the cooler, there is this matter of Well sometimes, you have interesting ideas on certain things and Burkhalter fixed you up with his sister.

How do you know? Never mind.

Hogan, what concerns me is that she should not get too serious.

You have any ideas? Is the 30 days on or off? I don't think well under pressure.

All right, it's off.

Well? Oh, oh, please, please.

Danke.

I tell you what you got to do.

Give her the old soldier routine.

You may be sent off to battle any minute.

Your life is not your own.

It's not fair to the little woman, you know.

Excellent, excellent! Wait.

She knows that I am permanently stationed at Stalag 13.

Easy.

Tell her you're involved in a plot against h*tler.

Shh, shh.

I'm not, I'm not.

That would be sure death.

Why would I say such a thing? You might figure it was worth it.

Have fun, Commandant.