02x12 - Will the Real Adolf Please Stand Up?

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ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.

( theme song playing ) * Newkirk's away, Colonel.

All right, good.

LeBeau, you're next.

Three minutes, then Carter, Kinch; I'll be last out.

Okay.

Now, look, stay on schedule.

Wait until we're all assembled at the rendezvous point.

This one has got to work.

You're a little jumpy, mon colonel.

This is important.

That Kraut officer's carrying plans for the German coastal defense for the channel ports.

Oh, yeah, big stuff.

Now, look, the underground has assigned a girl.

Her name is Christina.

She's going to stop the Kraut's car.

A girl to stop a car? It's been done before.

She wouldn't have any trouble with me.

You don't even know what she looks like.

After two years in here, who cares? LeBeau.

All right, stand by.

Kinch, you'll handle the camera.

Right.

Bring the film back and get it developed.

London wants the negatives delivered to a local contact.

His name is Carl.

Right.

Any questions? Colonel, we're all going to be out of camp.

Now, what happens if Schultz or Klink decide to make a surprise bed check tonight? Impossible.

I locked the barracks door.

I know there's a w*r on, but we're entitled to some privacy.

( tapping at glass ) Franz.

Franz? Was ist los? Madame Fraulein, trouble? Afraid so.

We'll see what we can do.

Baggert, have a look at it.

Would you care to wait in my car? Danke, Major.

That is very kind of you.

You know, there is a café just down the road.

Excellent idea.

We might as well be comfortable, and I am ready for a drink.

Carry on, Baggert.

Madame Fraulein, Herr Major.

Madame, this way, please.

I think I have a table for you.

Ah.

Danke.

Allow me.

Would you care to order? Uh, cognac, bitte.

Sir? Eins Schnaps for me.

Eins cognac and eins Schnaps, bitte.

Would you like me to hang your coat up, sir? No.

Uh, I will keep it right here.

Yes.

I'll get your drinks right away.

Must be in his overcoat.

He didn't seem to care about the briefcase.

Eins mal cognac und eins mal Schnaps.

A vache lot of good it does us.

Everything's going to be okay.

The Marines have landed.

NEWKIRK: Guten Abend, Captain.

Eins cognac.

Danke.

Eins Schnaps.

Danke.

Bitte.

Karl? Aren't you Major Grunnel? Afraid not.

Uh, my name is Klantz.

You look enough like Major Grunnel to be his twin brother.

Forgive me, sir.

Perhaps the captain would like to join us? Oh, I would be intruding.

No intrusion, Captain.

Uh, join us, by all means.

Danke.

Uh, Captain Hoganlaffer.

Well, you know my name, and this is Fraulein Etst.

Fraulein.

Captain, may I? Ah, danke.

Uh, would you like me to, uh, hang your coat up, sir? Please do, and bring me some beer.

Right away, sir.

Eins beer, Rudolph.

Eins beer Rudolph? And with a little champagne I was able to get on the black market, the trip should not be too dull.

Now, uh, what about another cognac? Ja, I think I will.

Captain? Oh, no, it's past my bedtime.

Waiter, my coat, please.

Jawohl, Herr Captain.

Well Major.

Captain.

Fraulein.

It's been most pleasant.

Danke, Captain.

I don't know when I've gotten more out of an evening.

My pleasure, Captain.

Yes.

Heil h*tler.

BOTH: Heil h*tler.

Auf Wiedersehen.

ALL: Auf Wiedersehen.

Waiter, eins mal, bitte.

Jawohl.

Danke.

Eins mal, bitte, Rudolph.

( knocking at door ) Come in.

Commandant, you wanted to see me? Yes, Hogan, I have a very serious matter to discuss with you.

At your service, Colonel.

I know everything that happened last night.

You what? I know all about it, every move that was made.

Hogan, you don't fool me for one minute.

How did you find out? General Burkhalter just telephoned the news from Berlin.

He knows, too? Of course! Now, Hogan, there were two attempted escapes last night: one from Stalag Nine, one from Stalag Five, almost at the same hour.

Phew! That's wonderful news.

Now don't tell me you didn't know anything about it.

Well, sir, I Hogan, you can't hide a thing from me.

That's very true, sir.

Now, General Burkhalter feels, and I agree Naturally.

that this may be part of a master plan in which allied prisoners in all the Stalags at the same time attempt an escape, creating confusion and tying down German forces that may be needed for the front.

That's a great idea.

Mind if I borrow it? That is exactly why I've ordered special security forces.

Now, all guards inside the camp will be doubled, and a strong patrol will be placed outside the camp.

That's against the Geneva Prisoner of w*r Convention.

I must protest.

Your protest has been noted.

Now, I understand that General Burkhalter will make a surprise visit to investigate my new special security forces, and when he does, I shall be able to give him a perfect report.

And I'll have to report this to the Swiss Protecting Power when they come here.

By all means, but I warn you, any attempt at an escape will be crushed without mercy.

From now on, every soldier under my command will have to work an extra shift.

How are they going to feel about that in Berlin? What do you mean? That runs into a lot of overtime.

all there.

Now you go out through the emergency tunnel.

You meet Carl, give him the film.

He'll pass it along to London.

Oui, Colonel.

There he is.

All right, keep an eye on him, Kinch.

What's the recognition code, Colonel? Three first names.

Now, use Harry, George, Joe, any names.

He must answer yes to all of them.

Then use the name Carl.

He must answer no.

Got it? Right.

On your way and good luck.

Thank you.

KINCHLOE: Hey, hold it.

Uh-uh.

Trouble.

Real trouble, Colonel.

Take a look.

HOGAN: The Kraut's got him! What?! I thought Klink was bluffing about those patrols.

Let's spring him, Colonel.

Sure, before they take him away.

Take it easy, take it easy.

Nothing's going to happen to him.

He's a local man.

They have no evidence on him.

They'll question him and let him go.

And we get the film to him tomorrow night.

That's the problem.

The Krauts have Carl tagged now.

They'll keep an eye on him.

He's useless to us.

Then what about this? The alternate plan is to get this film to Christina.

She knows the next link in the chain to London.

We'll contact her in town.

Klink's got it sewn up tight.

We can't get out.

Right.

Tomorrow, I go to work on old blood and guts and make him pull those patrols out of the woods.

How, Colonel? I'll tell you how.

I turn into a rat fink and squeal on you guys.

That's how.

The way I get it, one of my men would sacrifice himself by going over the wire here.

Over the wire? By what means? A ladder, grappling hooks.

Uh-huh.

Once outside, he'd divert the patrols this way.

He'd also draw off the tower guards who would be f*ring into the woods.

Uh-huh! And now comes the real escape.

Right.

They plan on stealing your staff car.

They'd start the motor by crossing the ignition wires.

Then they race across here and crash through the gates.

That's it! That's very interesting.

Mm-hmm.

Schultz, can you confirm any of this? Do you have any indication? I see nothing.

I know nothing.

Hmm.

"I know nothing.

I see nothing.

" You, too, Herr Kommandant? They kept it very quiet, sir.

Well, you knew.

Well, the escape committee must report all their plans to me for approval.

And here you are-- how do you say-- squealing on your own men? Mm-hmm.

Why, Hogan, why? Well, I told them how you had tightened your security, but they wouldn't believe me.

I just don't want anybody to get hurt.

Such a nice man for an officer.

Schultz! A show of force might stop them from doing it, sir? You think so? Yes.

Now, if you were to pull some of your men and their g*n positions from out of here and put them down inside the wire, might discourage the men from even trying.

Hogan, I am very impressed by your attitude.

You're being very helpful.

Thank you, sir.

As a matter of fact, I would be even more impressed if the whole thing were not a lie! Lie? Colonel, that hurts! You come here with this nonsense, trying to get me to redeploy my men so I would leave an area unguarded? Then the real escape would be attempted with you leading the pack.

Sir, you're doing me an injustice.

Huh! Even if this escape were unsuccessful, it would embarrass me in the eyes of General Burkhalter! HOGAN: Colonel, just a minute! I am going to take your suggestion, Hogan, only in a slightly different way.

I am going to order reinforcements from divisional headquarters at once.

That is what I think of your childish little scheme.

Anytime you care to report to me again, Colonel Hogan, I shall be at your disposal.

Colonel Hogan, what happened? Schultz, I think I'm losing my touch.

A cigarette for a pal? The Fuhrer does not share his cigarettes with anybody, especially with you, Newkirk-- a filthy Englander! All I did was ask him for a cigarette, and he gives me a bloody vaudeville.

( chuckles ): Hey, I do that pretty good, if I do say so myself.

And you do.

Well, I used to go to the news reels a lot.

Hey, you know, I can also do Bette Davis.

Oh, really? What a dump.

Oh, it's great.

Exactly like her.

Don't call us, we'll call you.

That was pretty good.

Struck out.

You're kidding.

Had me figured from the beginning.

Wouldn't take the bait.

Toyed with me.

I can't believe it.

The patrols are still in the woods? Worse than that.

He's ordered reinforcements.

Either Klink has smartened up, or I've lost my touch.

Blimy, old Klink's really got us boxed in.

HOGAN: Right.

We're sitting here with the most important piece of film we've ever handled.

If our side tries even a probing att*ck on the coast of France, could mean the difference between living and dying for a lot of people.

Colonel Hogan, I will get that film out of Stalag 13 for you, because I, Adolf h*tler, am basically a lovable person! How can you kid around at a time like this?! You know what we're up against.

I just laid it out for you.

Sorry, Colonel.

HOGAN: You should be.

Imitating that nut in Berlin.

It's not all that funny.

Wait a minute.

It's really not all that funny.

Do it again.

Put the comb up the way you had it.

Sure.

Now, walk like old scramble-brains with your thumb in your buckle.

( sighs ) Just might work.

Mills, Foster and Greenberg: a colonel, a major and a brigadier general.

Very good uniforms, LeBeau.

Merci, mon colonel.

HOGAN: All right, this is a very important job, so make it work, and it'll be a big score for our side.

Only one man should talk.

Who's it going to be? I'm elected, Colonel.

All right, Foster, keep it to a minimum, but very arrogant and sure of yourself.

Yes, sir! And stay away from the guards as much as possible.

We don't want some nosy Kraut recognizing you.

NEWKIRK ( clapping ): Gentlemen, gentlemen, a little Achtung if you please! And now, direct from a successful engagement in Berlin, where he bombed, here he is, your enemy and mine, Heil Jigglegruber! Carter, it's great.

You look just like Mr.

Nutty himself.

Formidable.

You could fool Eva Braun.

All right, look, it's almost time.

Here's the setup.

Kinch has got a car from the motor pool.

You drive along inside the wire just after they change the guards.

Now, the Krauts coming on duty will think you've already been admitted to camp through another gate.

You know the rest.

Good luck.

Yeah, good luck.

You scared, Carter? I'm scared.

Doing this bit in here is one thing, but outside there with those K*llers Heil! HEROES: Heil! Why did I have to go to those news reels? Changing the guard now, Colonel.

Corporal Schmidt is posting the men.

There's the car.

Approaching the gate.

Right on time.

Should be over in five minutes if we're lucky.

It's working! He's going to Klink's office.

( crickets chirping ) What is this? I thought I gave the order: no more barrage balloons.

This is the sergeant of the guard, Mein Fuhrer.

Sergeant? I was once a corporal, you know.

I hated sergeants then, and I hate sergeants now! Danke, Mein Fuhrer! What is the meaning of this? What is this car doing here? This is against all regulations.

Herr Kommandant, please Schultz, who are these officers? Herr Kommandant, they are Oh, shut up! I am Major Hauptman of the Fuhrer's staff.

Oh, you are? And why didn't you bring the Fuhrer with you? I'm glad you did.

( breathlessly ): Heil h*tler.

This man is the commandant? Jawohl, Mein Fuhrer.

We will the w*r any minute! It is indeed a very great honor to have you here with us, Mein Fuhrer.

His Excellency was on his way to Dusseldorf, and he decided to make a surprise visit.

h*tler: Ja! Everything I do is a surprise, even to me! Come on, Carter, pack up and leave.

Stop gassing with Klink.

Is he balmy? Every minute out there is dangerous.

If he starts to sweat, that mustache will come off.

His orders were to get it over as quickly as possible and leave.

Mein Fuhrer, I had the extreme honor of being presented to you at a rally in Munich, uh, just before the w*r.

Before the w*r? Ja, ja.

There was nothing before the w*r! Nobody existed before the w*r! Of course not, Mein Fuhrer.

And I will make sure no one will exist after the w*r! Hogan, out of your barracks at a time like this? I'm sorry, sir.

I heard voices.

Thought maybe you were having a party.

Back to your quarters at once! Just a minute.

Who is this Americana? Colonel Robert Hogan, Senior Prisoner of w*r, s-sir.

Colonel Hogan, may I present Adolf h*tler, the supreme leader of our German nation.

How do you do, sir? I've heard a lot about you.

( muttering ): Back to the barracks, Hogan.

I wish to talk to this man.

Yes, Mein Fuhrer.

Carter, what are you doing, trying for an Academy Award? They're watching us; be careful.

Yes, sir.

Your orders were to get out of camp fast.

Well, I guess I started imitating h*tler and I lost my head.

Imitating h*tler and you lost your head.

I'll guarantee it if they get wise to us.

Now go back to them and give orders to resume your trip.

Get that film out of here.

Yes, sir.

No matter what happens, don't Wait a minute-- we've blown it.

Burkhalter! General Burkhalter, what a surprise.

As a matter of fact, we are full of surprises tonight.

The Fuhrer has just arrived.

The Fuhrer, here? And in a very good mood, sir.

I must greet him at once.

I would have won the w*r a long time ago if it wasn't for my generals! They are ignorant, stupid fools, and they know nothing about w*r! All they do is eat and have good times! Really? Ja! I have one general who looks like a stuffed goose! But, believe me, one day, the goose will hang high by his heels! On second thought, I will see the Fuhrer some other time.

But, Herr General, I-I-I Ow! Phew! That was too close.

All right, get going, Carter.

Yes, sir.

Mein Fuhrer would you care for some refreshment? Nothing.

We must go.

We resume our trip at once.

Mein Fuhrer, I cannot tell you what it has meant to me Of course you can't.

Nobody can tell me anything.

I enjoyed myself.

Danke, Mein Fuhrer.

Love your Stalag.

Very nice barbed wire.

We think so.

I like barbed wire.

It makes me feel very warm, very sentimental inside.

Ja, mein Fuhrer.

Heil! Heil! Heil! Heil! Heil! Heil! Yes, yes, by all means.

Auf Wiedersehen, folks.

BOTH: Heil, heil, heil, heil, heil Sig heil! Sig heil! Heil, heil, Heil, heil What a wonderful human being.

What magnetism! And a great soldier.

Let's not forget one other thing.

What's that? He's also a pretty good actor.

* Oh, when the soldiers march through the town, dear * * Ba-r-r-um, pom Film's on its way to London, Colonel.

Christina said she'd take care of it.

Nice work, Adolf.

Yeah.

We-we buried the clothes in the woods and the car is parked on the Hammelburg Road.

Fine.

Now, don't forget your story.

You sneaked out last night while the Fuhrer was here.

Right.

KLINK: Achtung! Now, there is a touching sight.

Your colonel consoling you.

It's no wonder he wins all the popularity contests.

I have decided on your punishment: and all privileges revoked for an additional That will teach you to have more faith in my security measures.

But, sir, we did give ourselves up to the guards in the woods.

Only after you realized you couldn't get away.

Sentence stands.

Carter, the commandant is right.

The only thing I can do now is get in touch with the Red Cross and ask them to deliver a letter to h*tler.

h*tler? Yeah, he did ask me to drop him a note.

Simply asked for clemency in this case.

But you know there's been an escape attempt, and he adored our barbed wire.

I know how you feel.

It's too bad, Commandant.

Of course, if you suspended the sentence, I'd have nothing to write about.

You could say, "Having a wonderful time.

Wish you were here.

" Very well, sentence suspended.

Schultz, release him.

Dismissed! Beautiful, Colonel.

You're a happy fella, yeah? Why shouldn't I be? I think I've got the old touch back.

Oh.

( chuckling ) He's got his old touch back.