06x20 - The Kamikazes Are Coming

[bunniefuu]

( theme song playing ) This the place? It is right over there, Colonel.

I covered it with branches.

All right, good, we'll take it from here.

Colonel Hogan, I could stay.

You could, but you aren't.

If the Nazis pick you up, the less you know, the safer you are.

Besides, that warhead could go at any minute.

Ja.

Good luck, Colonel.

Good luck.

All of you.

Keep in touch, huh? Ja.

Let's go.

NEWKIRK: Off with the branches, sir? Yeah, but take it easy, huh? Easy, easy.

V-1, V-2 or what, sir? I don't know-- it's too big for a V-1, too small for a V-2.

Carter, check it out, huh? Right, Colonel.

I don't hear any ticking.

Of course, they might be using some other kind of activator.

How long to disarm it and then take it apart? I don't know-- a couple of hours, I guess.

Sooner if I guess wrong.

( laughs ) Carter, please.

How long to take it apart in pieces small enough to get back to camp? Gee, Colonel, it's welded.

If only we had a blowtorch.

Well, we don't.

Yeah, well, that makes it a problem.

I think we're going to have to blow it up.

But if it's a new-type rocket, Colonel I know, I know-- it's a hot item.

Nazis are looking all over for it.

If we could crate it up and ship it back to England, we'd all be up for the Medal of Honor.

But how? HOGAN: Anybody got any bright ideas? What if No.

Hey, Colonel, wait a minute, I got it.

Why don't we just cover this thing back up with these branches and wait around and then just, uh uh see what turns up? You heard him-- cover it up with the branches again.

Excuse me, Colonel, but why? How do I know? A rocket practically on our doorstep and we're helpless.

Colonel Hogan Colonel Hogan, you'll never guess who just arrived in camp.

Never! Guess.

Why should we, Schultz? Wrong-- guess again.

Schultzy, in the grind and monotony of our lonely days and nights, we sometimes lose our urge to play games, you know what I mean? No.

But I give you a hint.

A beautiful woman.

Kate Smith? Are you serious, Schultz? LeBeau, check the door.

No! No, no that would be cheating.

Oh, come on, Schultz.

All right.

It's the Russian woman, Fräulein Marya.

She's come back to me! Come off it, Louis.

It's true-- I feel it, it's fate.

All right, hold it, LeBeau, down.

What's she doing here? Who's she with? I can't tell you, but it's a very, very important person.

She is coming here.

Here? Excuse me, Colonel, but don't I seem to recall that every time she comes around, things get a little, well confused? She's trouble-- trouble all the way.

( chuckles ) Don't tell me.

( door opens ) Achtung! Hogan darling, fly to me! Why? Now try me.

Later, my small one.

( laughs ) Dr.

von Bornemann, may I present Colonel Hogan, senior POW officer.

This is a scientist? Who said I was? I told my sweet Otto, Hogan darling, of your work with the Allied m*ssile program.

Do not hate me for it.

You've been holding out on us, Hogan.

Hiding your light under a bushel, that's not nice.

We are here, Hogan darling, to recover a rocket, a very special rocket, made with loving hands at home by my darling Otto.

Ja.

Marya thought you might have some information for us about the rocket, Hogan.

Why me? Do not let this come between us, Hogan darling, but I have hinted at your fantastic exploits after becoming a prisoner.

VON BORNEMANN: A most dangerous man, Klink.

Should my rocket fall into his hands I give you my personal guarantee, Dr.

von Bornemann, that Hogan will not get near that rocket.

Full 24-hour surveillance for all prisoners, Schultz.

It shall be done, Herr Kommandant.

Come, Marya.

In a moment, Otto, my sweet, after I talk to Hogan alone.

Why? Well, a man of his talents might prove most helpful.

Your office, Hogan darling? Uh, do I have to, sir? You have to! Does he have to? Marya, quickly? You're jealous-- how sweet.

Kiss me first-- then tell me how clever I am.

Clever about what? This plan, so we could be alone.

You've finally sold out, haven't you? All the way-- all the way! Hogan darling, without your strength, without you at my side, I grow confused.

I'm only a woman, Hogan darling.

And Attila the Hun was only a man.

I melt when you are sweet.

All right, what's next? You hinted at my exploits; do you go all the way? Never! Unless, of course, you refuse to tell me where the rocket is.

What makes you think I know? Hogan, you're too modest.

So I tell you and you tell the Krauts, huh? Forget it.

Forget it.

Why should I tell you? Because, Hogan darling you really have no choice.

And, uh, may I say, with men like you on the side of the Third Reich, we shall sweep on to inevitable victory.

How did you happen to lose the rocket? Klink! I'm just asking, just asking.

Marvelous news, Otto: Colonel Hogan heard the rocket pass over Stalag 13 and made a visual sighting of its course.

We can go right to it.

VON BORNEMANN: Outstanding cooperation, Colonel Hogan-- why? Just seemed to me the Third Reich could use a little help.

My indoctrination program, Herr Doktor.

You may care to mention it to Berlin.

Ja, gut.

Come.

Have you squeezed this orange dry? For now, Otto, my love, for now.

Good, I dislike intensely the stench of informers.

VON BORNEMANN: Full confinement, Klink.

Full confinement, Schultz! Full confinement, Herr Kommandant! Marya.

All right, say it, say it.

Nobody's perfect, Colonel.

HOGAN: Didn't have much trouble finding it, did they? One thing I have to say for you, Colonel, you certainly give good directions.

Thanks.

Well, I actually meant, sir, uh Oh, Colonel Hogan, Colonel Hogan, I have good news.

You were absolutely right-- absolutely-- about the location of that rocket.

Swell, Schultz, just great.

Colonel Hogan, it was exactly All right, fine, Schultz.

If there's nothing else.

Oh, there is That fräulein, you know, that friend of the doctor, that that that woman.

She wants to see you at once in Kommandant Klink's quarters.

Sorry, Schultz, I'm restricted to barracks.

For this, you are unrestricted.

Suppose I refuse to come.

( sighs ) Colonel Hogan please? All right, the rest of you hang loose, huh? I really feel, mon colonel, that at heart Have a nice cup of tea, sir.

I shall remain outside on guard, lovely lady.

You are a pussycat.

Okay, now what? Hogan darling, how can you ask? Look, you got what you wanted, didn't you? Now, why don't you get out of here? But our work has only begun.

What work? Selling me out the rest of the way? Hogan darling, you're not thinking.

You're letting your heart get in the way of your head.

I said "our" work-- stealing the rocket.

Stealing it? After you got me to hand it back to the Nazis? Of course.

Could you have brought it into camp? Look, if you wanted to work with me, why get me confined to barracks? Hogan darling, to divert suspicion.

That's great thinking.

Great thinking.

And how am I supposed to operate? And what am I supposed to do with the rocket after I get it? Fly it off to Moscow.

London.

Moscow.

London.

We shall flip for it, agreed? Then everything is settled, Hogan darl Everything is settled? Of course-- the details are nothing.

Together again, that is everything.

Fighting together, loving together-- what a marvelous feeling.

You know, I think I felt better when we were enemies.

Marvelous honor, Dr.

von Bornemann, to have you refuel the rocket inside Stalag 13.

You wouldn't have more room outside, huh? In all of my years in rocketry, Klink, I've had only one accident.

Excellent record, Herr Doktor.

( chuckles nervously ) How did it happen? Some Dummkopf was looking over my shoulder.

( Marya laughing ) Oh, please.

Ah, work, work, work, Otto.

You're no fun anymore.

Hogan and I are planning a party.

Get that man away from my rocket.

Away from his rocket, Hogan.

He is one of us, Otto darling.

He's telling me the secrets of the Allied rocket program.

He has no secrets; they are years behind.

Oh, glad for a chance to catch up.

Get away from my rocket.

Otto, lover ( kisses ) fly it away so you can join our party.

You're going to fly it out of here? I'm afraid that's a violation of the Geneva Accord, sir.

Hogan, I thought you'd changed sides! I don't want my new team to get in trouble.

How soon is blastoff? Blastoff is as soon as we Take this man out of here! Schultz, take Hogan out of here! Otto needs a successful test flight, Hogan.

h*tler is losing confidence in the V-3.

But that is not true-- my rocket is perfect.

How did you lose it? Never mind! It's a nice-looking rocket.

Marya, get away from that man.

Get him out of here-- now.

Take him back to the barracks and see that he stays there, Schultz.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Colonel Hogan, please.

Uh glad for the opportunity to work with you, sir.

( dog whimpers ) Come on.

( dog whimpers ) Come on, Wolfgang.

It's better than the Kraut food you've been getting.

That's good boys.

Good boys.

Come on.

Eat.

Eat, Fritz.

( dogs whimpering ) Colonel.

Okay, let's go.

GUARD: Halt! Who goes there?! MARYA: You are blind? GUARD: Of course not-- it's just my orders are And my orders are to check security! You other two, here! Schnell! Line up for inspection! Achtung! Heil h*tler! Eyes straight ahead.

You are at attention! Do not move! ( series of thuds ) HOGAN: All right, get them blindfolded and tied up quick, huh? Good job.

We were made to work together, Hogan.

Yeah, yeah, now I got to tie you up and knock you in the head.

Oh, Hogan, you care.

That ought to hold them.

NEWKIRK: If there's any calls for these gentlemen, they're all tied up.

Hold still.

You know this whole thing is impossible, don't you? Yes, just improbable, Hogan darling.

Mmm such strong hands.

You know we've got three chances of pulling this off: dim, dimmer and dimmest.

Oh, did I tell you, Major Hochstetter of the Gestapo is on his way.

Now we're down to dimmest.

Lie down.

Oh, Hogan darling.

Oh, for Mmm Oh.

All right, get ready to move it out quick.

All right, we're leaving.

Good luck.

You forgot to hit me! Sorry about that.

Here, do it yourself, will you? Oh.

Are you sure you love me? Hurry it up, quick.

You deserve more.

All right, easy, easy.

MARYA: Help! Untie me! Rocket robbers! ( all shouting ) Where is my rocket? Oh, forget about your rocket.

What about me? How can I forget about it? It is gone! Perhaps it was misplaced, Herr Doktor.

At a time like this, Klink, do not babble.

Do not babble-- excellent suggestion.

Oh, it was terrifying, Otto, terrifying.

A great great crowd of men.

Black masks-- they were brutal to me, Otto.

Shall I tell you? Tell me later.

All right, who were they and where did they go? We saw no one, Herr Doktor.

We were hit on the head from behind.

Ach! They were your prisoners, Klink.

That's impossible.

They're all confined to the barracks.

Then search every building! Search every building! Sound the alarm! Wait! What? Oh, I seem to remember through the pain.

The pain Never mind the pain.

What what what do you remember? I remember I remember something about rec Rec Rec Rec Recreation.

Recreation? The recreation hall.

Aha! They were your prisoners, Klink! My rocket in the recreation hall? On to the recreation hall! Every man! VON BORNEMANN: Every man! Have a good time there, boychiks.

So where do we look now, Klink? Are you perfectly sure, Herr Doktor, that you had a rocket? Of course I had a rocket! Until your rotten prisoners took it! Yes, Herr Doktor, if you say so.

Of course I say so! Herr Kommandant-- something missing? His rocket, apparently.

Apparently? Schultz, did Colonel Hogan or any of the other prisoners leave their barracks? No, Herr Kommandant.

I kept a constant vigil at their door.

Why aren't you there now? Herr Doktor, I heard shouting, so I said to myself, "Schultz," I said, "whenever you hear" I cannot stand this.

Marya Marya, Liebchen, are you sure the word was "recreation"? No.

The pain Marya, think of my pain.

What was the word? Oh perhaps Perhaps Bake Bake Bake Bake Bakery! Bakery.

The camp bakery.

They are baking my rocket? Where is it? Right behind my quarters.

Every man to the bakery! You're not going, Schultzy? There's nothing I would rather search than a bakery.

I will guard the barracks-- go.

You will? Thank you gracious lady! All right, there they go.

Get ready to move it out.

This is a heavy beast, sir.

We got many more moves tonight? Just one more after we get it to the rec hall-- straight up.

NEWKIRK: All right, gentlemen.

So, von Bornemann, the super-w*apon, eh? The w*apon we are counting on to win the w*r.

That is correct, Major Hochstetter.

And you have lost it! How?! The first time or the second time? What are we dealing with here, a giant rocket or a child's skate key? I just want to get it on the record, Major Hochstetter, that the first time I was completely out of the picture.

Aha! Then you admit guilt the second time, eh? No, no, no, Major Hochstetter, I am bending every effort to find it.

Klink, stay out of this or you will find out about bending.

Bending, yes, sir.

Now, Von Bornemann once more, eh? What has been done here about finding it? You did look for it? Ja, ja, ja, ja.

We have searched every building: the recreation hall, the bakery, the barracks-- everywhere.

Well, then we will just search again.

Unless, Klink, someone carried it out through the main gate.

( chuckling ) If they did, they certainly did it without my permission.

Klink! What did I say? Hi.

Anybody found our rocket yet? What is this man doing here?! Major Hochstetter-- just the man we need here.

"We"? Which side is what here? Hogan has defected, Hochstetter.

Then let him undefect.

We've got enough trouble now.

I thought every prisoner was confined to barracks, Klink? Why aren't you guarding the barracks, Schultz? But, Herr Kommandant, I thought she was guarding the barracks.

Everybody under arrest! Very wise precaution, Major.

Security comes first.

My information on the rocket can wait.

Wait! What information on the rocket? It's probably nothing-- just earlier this evening, I saw some men taking it through the fence.

Through? You will take me there now.

If this is a trick, heads will roll.

Even if this is not a trick, heads will roll! I certainly feel better with you in charge, sir.

( grumbling ) They went through right about here.

Nonsense! How could they? That's a good question.

After them! Every available man! Well, it will be a pleasure Not you, Hogan.

Oh, whatever you say.

That's certainly sporting of you to give the rest of them a second chance.

HOCHSTETTER: Wait! What are you talking about? Well, when they lose a rocket twice it destroys their confidence.

Decent of you to build it up again, sir.

Klink, von Bornemann, and the woman, you stay here.

Every other man come with Bah! Did the best I could for you, sir.

Hogan, you get back to your barracks and you stay there! Are things always this rough on our side? ( grunts ) Just asking.

CARTER: She's all set for f*ring, Colonel.

Of course, we can't set the guidance system.

HOGAN: Yeah, all right, good.

Newkirk, how about the roof? Well, it's on hinges sort of, sir.

When we're ready for f*ring, it swings up out of the way.

HOGAN: Okay, good.

( door opening ) HOGAN: Hold it.

Ah, you see, Otto darling? There it is.

My rocket.

But I don't understand.

How did it get here? And why is it ready for f*ring? Very simple-- you're sending it off to London.

Moscow.

One of the two.

Never.

Suit yourself.

If you and your boys decided to play ball, we can always get you out of the country.

Why should I want to leave the country? I am a loyal n*zi.

Otto darling, when it becomes known that you lost your rocket because of the close friendship with a Russian agent h*tler would understand, of course, but I can't guarantee Himmler.

Well, as as a scientist, I never took sides anyway.

I knew you'd see it our way.

All right-- heads, London, tails, Moscow.

But you cannot! My rocket could decide the course of history, and here you decide the fate of the world by tossing a coin? You got a better way? Heads-- London.

Ah, well, I'm lucky in love.

You fellows in or out? England or what? England.

All right, Doctor, you're going to be the pilot.

Pilot? I told him, Otto baby, that you designed it as a manned rocket.

I'm not going to fly that rocket.

What's the danger? We've got radio control from here.

We send you to England.

When you see London, you head for a soft landing in the Thames.

You eject, come down by parachute.

Nein.

HOGAN: Why not? We told the V-3 pilots they could eject, but there is no ejection mechanism.

Congratulations, Doctor, you're going to be the first German kamikaze pilot.

( radar beeping ) All right, coming up to blastoff.

( engine rumbling ) Five four three two one.

Go.

( engine fires, rumbling ) ( rumbling; radar beeping ) ( rocket roaring ) Baker, tell London to stand by with every frogman they've got to recover that rocket.

Not to mention Otto.

( laughing ) And Otto.

You two keep working with Baker on radio guidance, huh? I guess old Hochstetter can stop looking for his rocket now.

Yeah, but he might be looking for you.

You want to go to England? What would I do in England, Hogan darling? How could we work together? You will think of something to tell Hochstetter.

The three traitors committed su1c1de by blasting off in their own rocket? Perfect! Three traitors committed su1c1de by blasting off in their own rocket? Nonsense.

Who would believe this? It has the virtue of simplicity, Major.

I am not that simple.

What happened to the woman? How did three men do all that without any help? And why should they commit su1c1de when no one even suspected them? Aw, come on, Major, you were getting too close to the truth-- they panicked.

Completely unbelievable, Hogan.

Why?! Why not? Excellent work, Major Hochstetter.

My congratulations.

Hmm! Of course, Berlin will not be happy about losing the V-3.

I know exactly how you feel, Major.

How could you know how I feel, Hogan? You lost a super-w*apon and we lost a recreation hall.

Hogan, one of these days, you will go too far.

Yes, Hogan too far.

You know something? I think you're right.