06x03 - Dear Mallory

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪

(gasps) Uh-uh, Andy, that is
the last piece of cake.

I get half of that.

Have an apple,
it's better for you.

Thanks for caring, Andrew,
but I think I'll cut it in half.

- Oh, that's not half.
- Yes, it is.

You think that 'cause I'm small,

I can't see straight.

- Andy, we can share.
- No!

- I'll cut it in half...
- I'm telling Mom!

Oh, hey, wait, wait, wait.
This is embarrassing.

You guys fighting
over a piece of cake?

What difference does
it make if one piece

is slightly bigger
than the other?

None...

so long as I get it.

Mom, Dad, I got it.
I got it!

I've been chosen to take over
the personal advice column

for the Columbus
Shopper"s Guide.

- I'm going to be "Dear Mallory."
- Oh, honey.

- STEVEN: That's great!
- They picked me

over a hundred other applicants.

They said my sample answers were
warm, compelling, yet practical.

Uh-huh.

Great, Mal. Well, maybe
you can help us over here.

We're trying to decide
on how to share this cake.

- Hey, I get a piece of that...
- Mom!

(all talking at once)

Oh, wait! Wait, wait!

You've come to me
with a problem.

You've come to "Dear Mallory,"
and I won't let you down.

Sit, sit.

Okay, okay, how's this?

Jen, you cut the cake.

Andy, you get to pick
which piece you want.

That way, Jen will cut it fair.

That's absolutely brilliant.

Warm, compelling, yet practical?

You know, Steven, maybe we could
use that approach ourselves.

I could cut and you could pick?

Well, dear, we've done so well
for the last years

with me cutting and picking.

Although it's a great idea, Mal.

I am a natural at this.
I better get started.

Look at all these letters
I have already.

- Oh...
- Oh, you can't actually look,

Dad, they're confidential.

Oh, let me look.

Well, I guess you're family
and all, so...

"Dear Mallory,
I need your advice.

"My partner doesn't
satisfy me sexually,

- and I was wondering..."
- Oh, Dad...

My advice is that
you don't read that.

Very wise, "Dear Mallory."

Alex, Alex, guess what?

I'm "Dear Mallory"!

Yeah, and I'm "Adorable Alex."
So what?

Ha, ha.
No, you don't understand.

I'm taking over
the personal advice column

for the Columbus
Shopper"s Guide.

The column is called
"Dear Mallory."

Now, wait, wait, wait.
Columbus Shopper"s Guide...

Isn't that that freebie giveaway
thing they have

at the checkout counter
at the supermarkets?

Uh, the one with all
the coupons in it?

That's right.

What are you
so excited about, Mal?

You're gonna be...
you're gonna be giving advice

to lowlife bargain hunters

who can't afford
to buy a real paper.

Alex!

They're not lowlife
bargain hunters.

They're people, real people
coming to me for advice.

Mal, if these people were
willing to shell out a quarter,

they could turn to "Dear Abby."

I can help him.

And if either one of you...

...need help, come to me.

I'm going to be very busy...

but I'll always
have time for you.

You're family.

Cut the cake.



Got a problem, Mal?

I don't have problems,
I solve problems.

I'm "Dear Mallory."

Is there anything
bothering you, Alex?

Mm-hmm.

"Dear Mallory."

Come on, Alex, talk to me.

Open up.

I sense that beneath that preppy
little exterior, there's a mass

of insecurities and frustration
waiting to pour out.

Yeah, Mal, that's why I have
this exterior.

To protect the rug.

Come on, Alex, I need practice

and everyone else
in the house is so sane.

I'll be your best friend.

Oh, that always
works with me, Mal.

That's because you don't have
any friends, right?

Mallory, why don't you read me
one of your letters?

- Okay.
- (Alex sighs)

(sighs)

"Dear Mallory..."

I love the way that sounds.

"...I am an extremely pretty
-year-old girl

with a knockout body..."

Go on. Please.

"I have a real interest
in money,

"and I'm searching
for a smart, cute,

-year-old boy
who likes money, too."

We've got to help
these people, Mal.

And in order to help them,
we need an address.

Hasn't anybody started dinner?

Oh, yeah, Ma, I started it.

And then I decided against it.

Alex, it is your turn
to start dinner tonight.

Ma, how can you think of eating,
when there... when there's

a young woman in peril
at Douglas Drive?

Apartment C.

Mom...

Mom, maybe you can help me out.

I need practice solving
people's problems

before I publish
my first column.

- And?
- Well, is there anything

you'd like to talk about?

Anything bothering you?

Well, I'm hungry.

Besides that, anything else?

I'm thirsty, too.

Dad, help me out.

Any major problems in your life
you'd like to discuss?

Um... no, I got
in the door just fine.

Come on, Dad, think hard.
Anything at work?

- No.
- Physical problems?

- Nope.
- Marital problems?

- Well, sometimes your mother...
- Steven!

Mallory, I've been going
through some of these letters,

and most of them
seem pretty ordinary,

but I think I found one
you can use in your column.

Oh, great, great.

Yeah, it's really very touching.

"Dear Mallory..."
(giggles)

"I'm / years old,
and for the first time

"in my life, I have a boyfriend.

"But last night,
a friend told me

"that he's seeing
another girl, too.

"I can't stop crying.

What do I do?"

Signed, First Love.

(Steven sniffs)

Dad, it's just a letter.

I'm, uh... I'm fine.

I'm-I'm, I'm fine.

Great choice, Jen.

I'm gonna use this
in my first column.

Her first love.

Dad, be strong.

Oh, look, uh, why don't
we go in the kitchen

and get dinner started,

and leave
the problem solving to them?

I'm too upset to eat.

Well, I'm not!
Move it.

(sighs) What are you
gonna tell her, Mal?

I mean, I feel
kind of responsible.

I found the letter and all.

I don't know.
I don't know. Sit down.

Something like this:

"Dear First Love,

"There are plenty
of fish in the sea.

Looks like you may have
caught yourself a shark."

Ooh.

"So stop crying.

"First thing you've got to do
is find out if it's true.

"If he is seeing the other
woman, you've got no choice.

Cut him loose."

- That's good, Mally.
- Yeah?

That's good, that's good.

I would add, um, uh,

"And let him sink
into the slime."

But that's just me.
(chuckles)

That's a nice touch, Alex.

What do you think
of my response?

I liked it,

but don't you think
it's a little rough?

Now, see, Jen, rough but fair.

You've got to give it
to these people straight,

or nobody feels like
they're getting helped.

I mean, how would you feel?

I don't know, I haven't
had my first love yet.

But when you do, you'll come
to me for advice, right?

For sure.

How's it going, Mom?

Well, I'm working
on the McPhillips house.

Still? I thought
you finished that.

What's the problem?

Well, it's really a problem
of balancing the spatial

and the structural logistics.

I mean...

Can we... do we just
sheer-wall the existing

elements, or can we
support the weight

of a cantilevered
terrace with...

with just poured
concrete grade beams?

I don't know.

(sighs)

Architecture got you down, Mom?

Here's a suggestion
for a quick pick-me-up.

Go buy yourself a new dress.

Something splashy;
something pink.

Buy me one too.

Make you feel better.

Always worked
for Frank Lloyd Wright.

- You see?
- Mm.

How's "Dear Mallory"
coming along?

Great. I've got Andy
helping out now.

(laughs)
Oh, that's cute.

How do you spell "grow up"?

Uh, G-R-O-W U-P.

How about "sink back
into the slime"?

(sighs)
Ask Alex.

I brought you a present:
The new issue

of the Shopper"s Guide, Mal!

Yay! It's my first
"Dear Mallory!"

Where is it?
Where is it?

It's, uh, it's right here,
Mal, it's right here,

right between
"The Weekend Grease Monkey"

and "Cora's Cut-Rate Corner."

Eh, uh, you know,
that "Weekend Grease Monkey"

is a hell of a column.

No need to tell us, Nick.
It's our favorite, too.

NICK:
Yeah.

Oh, look, there's my picture!

Yeah, right between Cora
and the Monkey.

Let me read it. Here.

"Dear First Love, there are
plenty of fish in the sea,

and it looks like that you may
have caught a... a shark."

- (giggles)
- Whew.

Or what's this here?

Oh, uh, eh, uh,
that's your address

and, uh, that's your phone
number, Mrs. Keaton.

You know, you should
really know that.

I mean, in case you
get lost or something.

Mom, I put it in there.

If any of my readers
had questions...

you know, if anything
seemed unclear...

they could call or write me
directly here.

Well, that's something
Dear Abby's never done.

I am simply not into a cold,
aloof approach to advice-giving.

I am warm and accessible.

People need me,
and I'm here for them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can vouch for that.

She's warm... and accessible...

Nick!

Please!

Please, Nick, it's bad enough
our phone number's in the paper.

ELYSE:
Look,

what is to stop people
from coming up to our house

- and knocking on the door?
- (knocking on door)

Very little, it seems.

Yeah.

Are you "Dear Mallory"?

Well, I know
what your problem is, pal.

Slight gender confusion.

Well, that is on the list.

- That's "Dear Mallory"
right there. - Ah.

- I'm "Buffaloed Bill."
- Buffalo Bill.

"Buff... Buffaloed Bill."

- Oh, okay.
- My wife,

she orders me around
all the time.

Well, these are my parents,
Steven and Elyse Keaton.

Oh, Mr. Keaton, Mrs. Keaton.

- Buffaloed.
- (phone rings)

Hello.

"Dear Mallory," it's for you.

- (knocking on door)
- ALEX: I got it.

Hello. Yes.

- "Dear Mallory"?
- (overlapping chatter)

Oh, Mallory, am I glad
to see you.

You've got to help me.

You look tired.

(sighs)
I'm fine.

How many letters have you
answered tonight, hmm?

How many phone calls?

Oh, I stopped counting
after a hundred.

You're doing way too much.

I can't believe how many hours
you're putting in on this.

I know.

Mom, I've been working hard.

But it's worth it.

When you're in
the public eye, as I am,

your time just isn't your own.

You're so lucky to be

a complete unknown, Mom.

I don't... I don't like
to brag about it.

- ¡Hola! Hey!
- Hi, Alex.

Boy, how people can say
economics majors are dull

is beyond me.

Tonight, we watched reruns of
The MacNeil/Lehrer Report.

Then we started quoting
from Adam Smith.

At random.

And we finished up the night
by dancing on the table

and shouting out
commodities prices.

I'm surprised the cops
didn't bust in on you.

How many times do I have
to throw this thing out?

(phone rings)

Hello.

Yes, this is she.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, talk to her.

Yeah.

Well, she's your mother
and she deserves that respect.

Uh-huh.

Remember, we're always here
for you. Bye.

That's very good advice,
by the way.

(sighs)

It's instinctive, Mom.

Flows right out of me.

It's like there's
this little voice

inside my brain saying...

"Boy, you can see
for miles in here!"

(phone rings)

STEVEN:
I got it!

Hey, Mal, Mal, this is getting
a little out of hand.

You're giving
marital advice now?

Oh, Mom, the column's
been expanded.

Oh, I'm giving marriage advice,
legal advice.

I'm doing surgery
through the mail.

Mal, telephone for you.

It's someone calling himself
"Fed Up Freddie."

I told him it's
a little late to be calling,

but he says he really needs
to speak to you.

Oh, is he annoying.

Well, tell him it is
too late to call,

but he can come
to the open house tomorrow.

Great.

What... what open house?

Well, I figured
it would be a good idea

to have a, um... an open house
one night a week.

That way I can deal
with them one-on-one.

(sighs)

Uh, listen, Freddie?

She, uh... she can't come
to the phone right now.

But there's
an open house tomorrow.

Don't start with me, Freddie.

Yeah, well, I'm fed up
with you, too!

Mallory, I...
I honestly don't know

how you handle these people!

I-I find it completely
exasperating!

Dear "Disturbed Dad,"

if you let the little things
in life bother you,

you lose sight of what
you really have...

how much you mean
to your family.

She's good.

She's very good. I feel better.

(overlapping chatter)

It's really going well, Alex.
So many people showed up,

and I think we really helped
a lot of them.

Yeah, well, uh,
I've kept my area tidy.

Look, there are only
about more minutes.

Maybe we should start moving
people towards the door?

All right, Mom, I'll, uh...
I'll get out the big net.

- Well, enjoy yourself tonight,
Skipper? - Uh, actually,

I'm a little overwhelmed,
Mr. Keaton. You see...

Well, I-I couldn't really decide

what problem of mine
to focus on.

So, uh, well, I've been
kind of hanging

around the "Generally Nuts" area
most of the night.

You can't go wrong there, Skip.

(doorbell rings)

- Hi.
- Uh, hello.

I'm Andrea Neff.
Are you "Dear Mallory"?

Yes, but our open house
is almost over.

Oh, great.

I can't even time
my problems right.

I was hoping to have my crisis
earlier, like usual,

but wouldn't you know it,

tonight I got off
to a late start.

My kitchen blew up.

Let me help.

(clearing throat)
Uh, excuse me, uh, Miss.

Why don't you, uh, just have
a seat right by this sign.

Someone will be around
to help you soon.

Um, what seems to be
your problem, Andrea?

Well, you-you don't
know me as Andrea.

You know me as "First Love."

"Fi..." Yes! Hi!

I-I've been waiting to hear
from you! How did it go?

Did you talk to your boyfriend?

Yes, um, I...

You know, could you move this?

Oh, God...

I-I talked to him.

And? Did you confront him
like I said?

Were you firm with him?
Tell me everything.

Well, I-I did just
what you said.

I-I looked him right in the eye
and I said, "Billy,

are you seeing another woman?"
And he said, "No, I'm not.

"But I hate being accused by you

and I never want
to see you again."

Oh, that's not good.

No. I didn't think so either,

but I-I wanted
a professional opinion.

Yeah. Well, I'm sorry.

Aren't you gonna fix it?

Um...

I don't think I can.

If I'd have come earlier,
could you have fixed it?

(sighs) Look, maybe
you're better off this way.

I mean, maybe he wasn't
the right guy for you.

If he's so willing to leave you

- just because you asked him
a question. - Oh, no, no.

He doesn't mind questions.
It was just that one

that really bugged him.

Um, maybe you need
to find another guy.

You know, there are plenty
of them out there.

ANDREA:
Oh, for you. Look at you,

you're gorgeous...
it's easy for you

to say, "Cut him loose,"
but not for me. I mean...

Look at you and look at me!

I-I'm not in a position
to make a stand like that.

How could you give me
that advice?

It was the best advice
I had to give.

- I-I just tried...
- I'm Mallory's mother,

and she was trying
to help you, believe me.

Well, what do you know?

You're gorgeous, too.

You're all gorgeous!

I mean...

Do you have any idea
what it's like being me?

Well, I might.

D-Do you know what it's like
sitting by the phone

- praying for it to ring?
- Yes.

Do you know how it feels
to have a blind date

show up at your door
and say, "I'm sorry.

There must be some mistake."
And he runs off?

Yes.

Do you know what it's like

to go to the prom as a...
as a hatcheck girl?

Yes.

You know, I'm gonna k*ll
this person.

I-I don't know what to say.

I-I'm... I know.

This is... this is terrible,
I know. I...

I should have written
to "Dear Abby." I...

Oh, that's the last time
I try to save a quarter.

Wait.

Um, do you want to sit down?
We could talk about it.

No, no, I'm fine.
(chuckles)

He was the only boyfriend
I'll ever have,

and-and now my life's a wreck.

I'm sorry to bother you.

Wait, Andrea! Wait up!

You've been telling us
about your academic

and, uh, social problems
for... let's see...

two and a half hours now.

And you know what's amazing?

I haven't really scratched
the surface.

That's our sense of it, too.

Well, it's not like you guys
have said anything. I mean...

Can you give me some advice?

Yes.

Go home.

It's good advice, Skip.

Thank you.

Hey, boy, these... lovelorn
people sure eat a lot.

Finished all the dip.

Gouged the bowl a little, too.

What a night!

I never heard so many problems,
saw so many tears.

I can't believe
how many times I said,

"Would you like a Kleenex?"

- Hi.
- Hey.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Would you like a Kleenex?

Did you catch up with her?

Finally.

I tell you, this girl
had some problems.

Speed was not one of 'em.

- Well, what did you say to her?
- Mom,

I mean, there was... there was
really nothing to say, you know?

I apologized.
But what could I do?

I-I can't believe the way
this turned out.

All I wanted was for her

to be happy, for them all
to be happy.

That's so much like you,
honey; it really is.

I was really foolish, Mom.

I was really in love
with the idea

that I could help
these people, that...

that they'd turn to me
for help, you know?

I got carried away.

Well, you did get
carried away, but...

you don't want to stifle
that noble impulse.

It's such
a beautiful quality, honey.

Mom, I mean, look
at these letters.

I mean,
can you believe the subjects

I was trying to give advice on?

Marriage, aging...

agriculture.

You know, even
as a very little girl

you were always like that, Mal.

So sweet and caring,
always so...

so sensitive
to other people's feelings.

I remember one time
you came home

all upset and teary-eyed.

You couldn't have been more
than five, five and a half.

You said, "Dad, Skippy's
hamsters are biting each other."

Oh, Dad.

"And the lady hamster's
biting the man

more than the man's
biting the lady."

And I said, "Well, uh,
maybe that's what hamsters do."

You said, "How could that be?

"They're supposed
to love each other.

I have to have a talk
with that lady hamster."

And the next day you went
and talked to the lady hamster

and you came back home
and said, uh, "Dad,

they stopped biting each other!"

I said, "Good for you, Mallory."

You said, "Yeah.
Now they're biting Skippy."

I love a happy ending.

I wish I'd remembered
that story.

I might have stayed out
of the lovelorn business.

Now, don't be so hard
on yourself.

You made some mistakes, but,
hey, you gave some good advice.

Look, here...

"Dear Mallory, my friends
have moved,

"my relatives don't talk to me,
my husband left me.

What should I do? Signed,
'Desperately Lonely."'

Now, what did
"Dear Mallory" reply?

Here, uh, "Dear Lonely,
do yourself a favor.

Stop your whining and learn
how to spell 'desperately."'

I never wrote that.

Well, you were so busy.

MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)