06x02 - Rick: A Mort Well Lived

[bunniefuu]

Hey, you kids!
Don't be bad outside my store!

I keep a nice store!

Give it up, old man!

We're just cool bad kids
doing young stuff! Chh!

[ Laughter ]

You guys wanna do
more skateboard moves?

Which ones?
The rad ones,
that's which!

How are you kids?

Did you know your grandpa's
tryin' to get your attention?

Yeah, yeah,
screw off, weirdo.

Grandson,
w-w-what's that mean?

He's one of
those cult people.

They worship some psycho
named Roy

that says
he's everybody's grandpa.

So what do you want to do today,
e-eat some snacks

and maybe let me
kiss you finally?

Y'know,
with my mouth and stuff?

This is going on
right now.

L-Let's go check it out.
Aw, geez.

C-Come on, just for fun,
you know?

No, that's not what I'm --

You guys keep thinking
I'm a religious leader.

This isn't a religion.
This is actual truth.

I'm a scientist in real life,

but this isn't real life,
this is a video game.

Y-Y-You at least understand
that much, right?

This is a video game?

But you said
I'm your grandson?

I'm saying everyone is.

Everyone here,
everyone in this world but me.

You're all my grandson,
your name is Morty,

you're stuck in a video game,
and I'm here to get you out.

What about me?
Am I your grandson?

I just said everyone is!

-Wow!
-Incredible!

Okay, okay,
but don't react like that.

It's not a religion.
This is what is happening.

You and me and your sister
are at an arcade

called Blips and Chitz.

It's been taken over
by t*rrorists.

The power went out,
the game restarted,

and your identity
has been splintered

into all the non-player
characters.

So I jacked in as Roy,
that's the player character,

to get you, my grandson, Morty,

out of the game
before it's over and you die.

Okay, question over here.

Am I your grandson?
Jesus! Yes!

Every single one of you
is one five-billionth of Morty.

All of you,
collectively, are Morty.

Look, I-I don't wanna
seem impatient

but there's actually a lot more
that we have to get done

so if this is
how hard it's gonna be,

we are in a lot of trou--

Summer, what?!

I can't do this
if you keep bugging me!

Do you understand
time dilation?

I'm losing a month
a second out here.

There's an alien army
sh**ting people.

What am I doing?!

It's a small group of
alien t*rrorists.

Just do a "Die Hard."
What does that mean?

Sneak around, use air vents.
You've never seen "Die Hard"?

I'm . No, I've never
seen f*cking "Die Hard"!

Well, neither did
the guy in "Die Hard,"

so you're nailing it!
Good luck!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Joanna: Larry...

Larry: No, I'm at the end
of my rope with this kid,

I swear to God...

Oh, you gotta be kidding me!
Your beautiful hair!

This is not
a daughter's haircut!

I'm not a daughter,
I'm a grandson.

Your family had
a perfectly fine religion!

You were raised Jewish!

Dad, tell me anything specific
about being Jewish.

There's a million
things!

You go to the temple with the --
the -- the special hat,

t-the falafafluten --

Oh,
the falafafluten?

Our Jewish words
are gibberish

because we're
a -year-old boy

who was raised
nondenominational Christian

and we're in
a video game!

I don't need to hear this
schmoitenheiven!

Let me ask you this,
little miss grandson,

little miss
video game character.

If you're not my daughter,
why stand in my house

spouting this
chatschkopfka?

Why even live here?

Good question.

There she goes!
My daughter!

One five-billionth of a kid
trapped in a video game!

Yeah, that and a college
degree'll pay the rent!

[ Static ]

What do you people want?

We have many interests,

but right now my primary one
is the location.

Of. Your. Safe.

We exchange tokens
for digital currency.

We don't have a safe.

Correction,
what you don't have is a head.

Ohh!

Is this a w*apon
or a medical tool?

Why would you give me a g*n
with a laser that thin?

Did you hear me tell him
he wouldn't have a head?

-He's dead, isn't he?
-People die in surgery.

Hey!
Who don't touched me?!

I don't like being touched!

Check the hostages.

Make sure nobody else here
is doing a "Die Hard."

♪ Hello, hello, hello,
my name is Morty ♪

♪ I'm a -year-old boy
in a video game ♪

-Alright! Yeah!
-Aw, geez!

Yeah. Look. I feel like
every time I explain this,

I lose followers,
but this isn't a religion.

And while I do have a message
from a world beyond this one,

and I do need the entire world
to hear my message,

what I do not need
is any more songs about it.

Not in this genre.

I'm an old-school hip-hop man,

and no, that's not an invitation
for you to try it

because I'm just gonna say it,

we're missing the mark
on diversity.

[ Crashing ]

Get down!

You're all under arrest for
being religious the wrong way!

It's not a religion!
You know what, just sh**t me.

You think your god
makes you bulletproof?

There isn't even a God
in the real world,

you fragmented putz.

There's extra no God
in here.

You know what, hippie?

Talking like that is why
you're getting sh*t!

If you k*ll him, the game ends
and we all die.

Get down, lady!
I'm not a lady.

And you're not a soldier.

We're one person, split into
a lot of little pieces.

Y-You feel me?
Dawg?

Y-Y-You're not gonna hurt me.
You're me.

My name is Kevin!
I'm a Marine! I'm !

I'm a little r*cist
but my best friend

is an immigrant
that translated for me

in a generic overseas w*r!

That's not true.

We're , we like pizza
and masturbation,

we wear a yellow shirt,

and we have hair
that looks like a brown helmet.

A-And we miss our family.

And we're in way
over our heads again.

Why's this always happen,
man?

I know, right?
Aw, geez.

Aw, geez.
Come here.

Aw, geez.
Come here.

-Aw, geez.
-Aw, geez.

-Aw, geez.
-Aw, geez.

Who is that?

Her video game name
is Marta.

Okay.
See, this I can work with.

"Sneak around.
Crawl in some vents.

Do a 'Die Hard.'"

[ Screams ]

♪♪

[ Chiming ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Both scream ]

Oh, my God, it's disgusting!

Actually,
it tastes really good.

Oh, my God, it's disgusting
that it tastes good!

Frank, have you found him?
Report.

Oh. Oh. Walkie talkie.
That's "Die Hard."

Don't have to see it
to know that.

This is Jons.
I repeat, have you found him?

Breaker, breaker.
Walkie talkie.

I got your walkie talkie.
Bitch.

Are you doing a "Die Hard"?

Maybe.

Are...you?
Also?

More or less.

And my associate, Frank?

Uh, your associate Frank
is definitely not

doing a "Die Hard."

You might even say
he's doing a Die Easy.

Because I k*lled him
and it wasn't difficult.

Calm yourself, Winslow.

Winslow!

Ugh.

It's not every day
one meets a fellow

"Die Hard" enthusiast,
Ms....

Call me "Die Hard."

Okay, Die Hard.

Tell me. What do you know
about "Die Hard"?

What do you care? You writing
a book about "Die Hard"?

As a matter of fact,
I've written several.

Every sentient civilization
across the galaxy

eventually develops
the same myth.

In Centauri, it's known
as "Tower Man."

The Orionese have
their "Thornberg Cycle."

And in Andromeda it's called

"Foolish to Have Imagined
You'd Be Able to k*ll."

All of them
what you'd call "Die Hard."

The difference being that
cultures like mine

are aware of its importance
whereas I'm starting to doubt

you could even recall
a single line.

Walkie talkie "Die Hard,"
m*therf*cker.

Aaah!

News Anchor: Not so long ago,
Grandsonism was being dismissed

as a doomsday cult.

But since a majority
of the world decided,

hey you know what,
we like jerking off

and playing video games
and our sister is out there

fighting t*rrorists,
major strides have been made.

The world is united,
because the world

is one -year-old boy, Morty.

But where's it all coming from?

Some say Grandsonism's leader,
Roy,

has a secret base
somewhere in these mountains.

I-I-I couldn't find it
so I'm standing in --

in the general area
with a microphone.

For Good Enough News, I'm Tony!

♪♪

There she is,
my right-hand Morty!

Got enough spaceships?
Not yet.

I figure five more years
of game time

before I can take
the whole fake population

into fake outer space.

What do we do in outer space?

Nothing. It's fake.
W-We keep going.

The game's map has edges,

but the game's engine
will let us go past them.

That will force the game
to reset,

but first it will kick us out,
which Morty should survive.

I mean, whatever amount of Morty
we have on board.

So if you don't have
five billion handkerchiefs

soaked in chloroform,

I hope you can keep
flipping idiots to our cause.

They're not idiots,
Grandpa.

They're me.
Ha.

You'll know how funny that is
when we get back.

By the way, I had your genius
of a father picked up.

He's over there.
What? Why?

I thought you'd be grateful
and less distracted

than if I let him die.

He's been in real bad shape
since he lost his wife --

My mom?

Your not-at-all-real mom,
a mom in a video game.

Occupied by a tiny fraction
of yourself.

A fraction of yourself which is
now dead forever,

and fractions add up,
so I had your dad brought here.

You're welcome,
you heartless monster.

Marta.
It's me, Dad.

I converted for you.

My name is Morty.
So is yours.

And there's no conversion.

We're both Morty.
It's a fact.

Sure, honey,
anything you say.

I don't want to fight.
I'm proud of you.

Are you mad at me
because before you became

the world's most powerful woman,
I shamed you for your haircut

and called you
a slutty jobless hobo?

If I were you, I'd be
a little mad about that.

You are me. A-and why would I
be mad at myself?

Good point! Is there anything
to -- to eat around here?

There's a kitchenette
in the break room.

Oh, a kitchenette you say.
Such red carpet treatment.

Excuse me?
I said thank you, I love it,

we-- we--
we're all part of Morty!

Some of us more important parts
than others...

Man, the part of me
that's my father is a twat.

That's also gonna be funny
when we get back.

Next time you try to do
a "Die Hard,"

don't hide under a long table
like the guy from "Die Hard."

[ Screams ]

Okay, I won't.

I thought you said she doesn't
know how to do a "Die Hard"!

She doesn't.
She's k*lling us off
one by one!

What do you expect her to do,
buy us each an ice cream?

Two by two?
She's improvising.

Which is how she's going to
fall right into our trap.

I'm going to wander
the arcade unarmed,

and when she comes across me,
I'll pretend to be a hostage.

And because she hasn't seen
"Die Hard,"

instead of handing me
an unloaded g*n,

she'll hand me a --
ugh!

"Die Hard"! "Die Hard"!
"Die Hard"!

What the hell was that?!

Summer: "Die Hard"!
"Die Hard"!

You can't just keep yelling
"Die Hard"

into a walkie talkie and --
ugh!

She threw her
walkie talkie away!

She hates "Die Hard"!

Which makes her
the ultimate McClane.

Forget everything you know
about "Die Hard"

and just go
sh**t that bitch!

President Leland: Thank you for
meeting with me, Mr. Roy.

Half the country hangs
on your every word.

Heck, most of the world.

You're, like, uh,
kind of a pope, I reckon.

L-- I'm not a pope because
it's not a religion.

We're literally
in a video game.

I've heard the message, Roy.
You're not on the clock here.

So you want every single person
on a spaceship.

But you got
a bunch of holdouts.

Maybe people that prefer their
leaders a little more elected.

Right. Your voters.

People that like
being told what to do

but don't like
admitting it.

Yeah, not sure
I'd put it that way.

I'm sure you'd put it
a stupid way.

I told you this was
a waste of time.

I've got % of you
ready to vamoose.

We're not gonna get the rest
by making deals with parasites.

Mr. President,
Roy is Rick.

He's not us.
You and I, w-we're Morty.

Is that really so hard
to believe?

Kid, I've known it
and I've believed it

longer than you have.

We both became video game
characters at the same moment,

but I knew the truth before you
dropped your skateboard

and went to your first
cult meeting.

How do you think a guy becomes
a President in this game, honey?

By not paying attention?

Sorry to call you honey,

I know we're both parts
of a -year-old boy,

but my part's old-fashioned
and vaguely Southern.

I'm confused. If -- If you know
Rick is real, why --

Why hold out? Because he's
a rude, entitled cock.

He's here to save us.

He -- He could've left the game
and let us die.

He's spent years --

years, it's what,
a couple hours to him?

He refuses to leave
without his grandson,

but what's grandson
mean to him?

Sounds like
it means butler.

Someone to "Help Summer
with her 'Die Hard,'"

whatever that means.

I'll tell you what
it doesn't mean.

Fly fishing.
A hug.

A little appreciation for what
is clearly a pretty decent kid.

At least the % of him
that makes up the decent half

of the greatest God damn nation
on the planet.

We're not a person
to him yet.

We're not Morty yet.
We-We're divided.

We're divided because some of us
doesn't trust the guy.

What happens to that part of us
when we're all back together?

One Morty?
Indivisible?

Under a cranky old
bag of dicks?

A man you can lock in a box
with five billion pieces

of his own God damn
flesh and blood

for God damn
simulated years

and never hear him say
"I love you"?

Sorry, pumpkin tits,
that dog don't hunt.

Wa-Want some heroin?

I-It's a video game,
might as well.

Roy: Just about ready
for launch, kiddo.

I can finally get outta
these clothes.

I don't have nearly
enough pockets.

And it'll be nice to have
my own d*ck back.

Y-you're fine leaving
% of me to die?

It's not your finest
%, Morty.

And % of anything
is expendable.

% of pizza is crust.

% of the Snyder Cut
was Batman dreaming.

I don't know what
that reference is!

We're in a video game!
Not for long, baby!

I'm not leaving
without all of me.

What? Oh, no, let me crunch
these numbers.

% of five billion
plus one person --

my God, if you stay,
it changes nothing! Bye.

If she's not going, I don't
think my country wants to go.

Who invited you to chime in,
monitor face?

Why give me a monitor
if my opinion doesn't matter?

Your opinion isn't allowed
to matter for the rest of us.

We're all a-Morty.

How many chunks of us are we
a-supposed to give up?

Look, I don't know about you,
but I was already

taking a big leap of faith,
here.

We-We're basically
giving up our lives

to become a tiny part
of a stranger --

These lives
aren't a-real!

Yeah, but they're longer!

What -- What is this,
su1c1de by summit meeting?

Everyone stop.

Rick,
I'll get every single part of me

to get on every ship
and go with you.
Good.

But you have to tell us
you love us.

I mean, at this point
even if he said it,

what -- what --
what's with the pause?

Screw you, wait for it!

-Holy w*r!
-Holier w*r!

Holiest w*r ever!

News Anchor: Loyalist
Evacucratic Grandsonistas

claimed seven new cities today

while the Stayputlican
Contrasurgent Confederation

of Dedication to
Video Game Reality

invaded the territories
of Mortopia,

New South Saint Morty,
and Wemortyall.

In the end, what does it matter,
everyone's Morty,

nobody wants to die,
and that's a hell of a reason

to k*ll yourself,
but what can we do?

Aw, geez.

♪♪

You know you're my grandson
and none of this is real!

What are you trying to achieve?
You're only hurting yourself!

The only reason any of us matter
is we're pieces of Morty!

You taught us that, Rick.

But you also taught us
you don't care about Morty.

Here's how much I care.

If you don't stop blowing up
my flying saucers,

I will exterminate
every last one of you!

Anything it takes!

What do I have to say?
I love and respect you, okay?

Too late for talk, Rick.

A robot.
Of course.

I'm not gonna risk dying
because if I die in the game,

you go brain dead,
you're welcome!

Better to die in Roy
than to serve in hell!

And what about Summer?
Do -- Do you not care about her?

We gotta get back, Morty.
We gotta help her.

You know what,
wherever she is,

I'm sure she's doing fine
without your help.

Woof, jinx, anyone?

Should we finish the job,
b-blow the place?

No, this can't end,
not like this.

Do you think
I jinxed her?

Why aren't you
sh**ting higher?

I don't wanna sh**t the glass.
Because...

You don't have to not do things
that were done in "Die Hard."

You can sh**t the glass.
sh**t the glass!

Throw grenades!
Do everything!

Just k*ll her!

Why are you here,
Miss Die Hard?

I want to know why
you don't just leave.

Summer: "Die Hard"!
Wait. Shh. Shh.

Daughter: Aw, geez, we get every
single person on a spaceship,

and then what?
And then we help your sister
do her "Die Hard."

♪♪

Too much.
It's too much.

Ooh, sorry.

I've got a special guest
with me, Ms. Die Hard!

Or should I call you...

this guy's sister?

♪♪

Mom.

Hello, dear.
I'm joining the other side.

What? Why?

I wanna live in the real world
with Roy.

I wanna help Summer
with her Die Hard."

His name is Rick.
And we have no way of knowing

if your generation
is actually part of Morty.

Do you know
how offensive that is?

It's parenting like this
that pushed me

into religious radicalism.

Bye.
It's not --

Not a religion.

But okay.

Ma'am,
it's really not safe out here.

Also, it's...
time.

Are we going on
the spaceship now?

Pretty soon, Dad.
Yeah.

Are you...lying?

You kind of said it with
that tone in your voice

that we use for dying people.

I won't lie to you.
You're dying, Dad.

And we're...

not leaving the video game.

We're -- We're gonna
live our lives out here.

What?
Why the f*ck?!

Why?
It's more real here.

The hell it is!
My liver hurts!

I'm old here!

I wanna be a teenage boy!

I want to jump around
and do homework

and jerk off
all over the place.

But, Dad, that's --

We would've been one
tiny part of that.

In here, we get to be
who we really are.

Yeah. Great.
Dead.

I get to be
a dead father.

Who do I make the --

[ Grunts ]
Who do I -- Who --

Don't talk, Dad.

Gotta finish my zinger

You don't.

Who do -- Who do --

Who do I
make the check out to?

"Best Daughter Ever...

Incorporated"?

[ Flatline ]

♪♪

Thought you woulda
left by now.

I was hoping to get at least
half of you home.

I can't hold out
much longer.

I-I'm pretty much b*ating my
heart voluntarily at this point.

Okay,
this is a little awkward,

but the time dilation has
given me a chance to reflect.

And I-I-I gotta say --
There's no need for that.

I've come to tell you,
I'm giving the go-ahead.

All of Morty
will leave with you.

To the real world.

To be your grandson,

may we help Summer
do her "Die Hard."

I-I gotta say,
I-I was not expecting that.

W-Why the change of heart?

My people are staying
only out of loyalty to me.

I'm a relic.

I don't represent them
anymore.

You really are a good grandson,
you know that?

I'm proud of you, Morty.

Please, call me Marta.

That's my video game name.

Speaking of which,
I do have one condition.

I must say I admire you,
Ms. Die Hard.

You were
a genuine McClane --

a most worthy
Yankee doodle ruffian.

But now
it's all come to an end.

And the quarterback,
as they say, is toast.

I don't suppose you have a g*n
taped to your back.

What the hell
does that mean?

It's how "Die Hard" ends.
Doesn't matter now.

"Die Hard" tapes a g*n
to his back?

That's the end of your
perfect movie

that you've patterned your
whole criminal life after?

Well, it seems to have worked
out pretty well for me

since you're the one
about to die.

What was it you said?
Ah, yes.

"Walkie talkie 'Die Hard,'
m*therf*cker."

[ Laughs ]

Why are you laughing?

Well, it's funny.

The way you said
m*therf*cker.

Just laughing.
Okay.
It's just that --

Oh, does that happen
in "Die Hard"?

Does John McClane laugh,

and then Hans Gruber
is confused

but then they start
laughing together for a second?

That actually does happen,
yes!

Wait. You knew their names
this whole time?

Not this whole time,
no.

You left your book
in the bathroom.

I read it
while I took a sh*t.

I mean,
mostly the ending.

♪♪

[ Slow-motion ]
Yiiiiiiiiiii...

♪♪

...ippppppeeeeeeeee...

♪♪

Oh.
...dippee doo, baby!

Nice timing,
Grandpa Rick!

Tochter aus Elysium...

Uh...
Hi, remember me?

You sh*t me
on that table,

and the near-death experience
got me reflecting.

I didn't used to be like this.

I-I...uh, ate a kid.

It was dark, and I thought
he was a grown-up.

Ever since then, I haven't
eaten anybody at all.

I think I was channeling
all that pent-up

eating energy into this job.

But now...

[ Snarls ]

Thank you for freeing me.

[ Roars ]

Classic "Tower Man."

Almost too on the nose.
Right, Morty?

Sure. I mean, whatever you say,
Rick.

Y-You know best!
I trust you implicitly.

Is he alright?

Oh, yeah, he's fine.

Got him all out,
every last piece.

What's with the jacked-up
"Roy" machine?

Shouldn't you be
taking that to repairs?

Nah, special order.

Some rich douche wants
his last game to keep running.

Hooked it up
to an external battery.

We're just
supposed to store it.

Weird.
Yeah, and get this.

The game's still going,
but Roy's dead.

What?
Yeah, he's just a corpse

floating at the edge
of outer space,

but for some reason
the game won't restart

'cause it's centered on some
old lady living a full life.

Hmm.
Sounds bad.

Well,
put it in there.

♪♪

Hey is anybody that wants
this later gonna be able to --

Huh? Oh, yeah, everything's
cataloged and tracked.

People got the wrong idea
from the size of the space,

but it's all supported
digitally.

So I can put it anywhere.
Here's fine?

That's as fine
as anywhere else!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Why isn't anyone
attacking him?

It's f*cking
freezing out.

No,
I think it's the sign.

Well, the sign from "Die Hard "
was clearly r*cist.

Obviously.
But I think we went too broad.

"Everybody"?
I mean, who is that offending?

Everybody?

At this point,
why even do it?

I wish my brother
was still alive.

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

Did you get any of that?

[ Guitar strums ]