07x14 - My Best Friend's Girl

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



Hi.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, Jennifer.

Notice anything different
about me?

- Not a thing.
- Hair's a little different?

I'll give you a clue:
It happens when you're ,

and once it happens,
you're never the same again.

- Jennifer! - What?!
- No!

Yes, yes.

I got my learner's permit.

(sighs)
Okay.

That's a relief,
and I don't even know why.

Jen, you must be so excited!

Getting your learner's permit
is a big event.

And you've got something else
to get excited about:

Driving lessons
with your good old dad.

Boy, "excited" is such
a subjective term.

You know, Dad,
I really appreciate

that you want to teach me to
drive, and it means a lot to me,

but I've been thinking
of the lessons

you gave Alex and Mallory.

Oh! Yeah, yeah.

Those were great lessons.

They could drive through hell
if they had to.

And in a sense, we did.

Dad, I want Mom
to teach me to drive.

(Mallory sucks air
through teeth)

Whoa.

Oh, well, no, that's, uh...

that's fine, Jen.

Just, uh, just fine.

No, your mother will be a...
a wonderful teacher.

If you want to learn
to drive that way.

What way is that?

(chuckles):
Well...

You know.

You mean like a woman?

Well...

yeah, you have to admit that...

you rarely see a-a man,
uh, stopped at a light

fumbling through
his little purse or...

(snickering)

...brushing his hair
in the mirror.

(chuckles)

Uh, putting on eyeliner
during a lane change.

Okay, boys.

Steven, I know
I can teach Jen to drive

better than you ever could.

Oh, really, Elyse?

Oh, really, Steven.

Not if I hide the keys,
you can't.

Steven!

(Elyse, Mallory
and Jennifer shouting)

This is gonna be hard...
the learner's permit says

there has to be at least
one adult in the car.

- (knocking)
- Hey.

Hi. You ready to go?

Yes, I am, my little
psychoanalytical cupcake.

We're going to the movies, Mal.
You want to come?

Oh, you guys,
don't leave me now.

Skippy's on his way over.

He has a new girlfriend;
he wants to introduce her to us.

That's great!
When did this happen?

How did this happen?

I don't know, but this could be
just what Skippy needs.

I mean, he hasn't dated
since Amy transferred to Yale.

Didn't they decide
to see other people?

Well, yeah, but...

Skippy didn't know
what that meant.

So, for months, he just walked
around looking at other people.

Hi!

Hey, Skip, buddy, come on in.

Uh, I'd like you all
to meet someone special.

This is Darlene.

Darlene, this is
Alex, Lauren and Mallory.

Hi, Darlene.

- Hi, how are you?
- Hi.

Hey, why don't we sit down
and get better acquainted.

Okay, uh...

Well...

- (chuckles)
- (clears throat)

Um, so, have you two
known each other long?

- Yes.
- No.

Um, we just met this morning.

So this is your first date?

Oh, no.

This isn't a date;
we're lab partners.

As soon as I met him,
he asked me to come home

and meet his neighbors,
which is weird enough.

Thank you.

Oh, but I said yes
because he begged me,

and I have real trouble
saying no.

Will you marry me?

Not that much trouble.

Um, look, I hope you won't mind
if I see myself out.

I won't.

Uh, I-I don't suppose
this engagement ring

is gonna change your mind?

Oh, there must be
something we can do.

I mean, he's such
a sweet, lovable guy.

There's got to be
someone out there for him.

There's not; I looked.

That little vixen.

She's playing hard-to-get.

No, she's not.

Who am I kidding?

She hates me. They all hate me.

Skippy, come on.
That's... not true.

Then how come last week
I asked Lisa Tobin

if she wanted to go
to the movies with me,

and her head spun around
a full degrees?

Well, she's had the flu, Skippy.

Skippy, look,
the odds are always huge

against meeting the right
person, but somehow it happens.

Yeah, look. Look at Lauren.

She wanted the best and,
you know, darn it, she got it.

Well, sure, Alex, you've never
had problems with women, but...

all the women I meet reject me.

Even the women
I don't meet reject me.

Listen, Skippy,
I think maybe I can help you.

Why don't you come
to my lab at school,

and I'll assess
your psychological profile.

I mean, maybe we can find out

what type of female
you're compatible with.

I don't care
if she's compatible,

as long as she's human.

All right, pal, one time
around the maze, then lunch.

Come on, it's easy.
You can do it.

That's it. That's it.

Just a little further.

Okay, now find the cheese.

- I don't know where to start.
- (chuckles)

Hi, Skippy. I'll be done
in just a second.

We're trying to find the cheese.

It's right here.

Very good.

Skippy, are you
a little nervous?

Uh, uh, well, yes,
just a little though.

Um, I'm not too good
with these things.

Uh, when I was a kid, my parents
sent me to a psychologist,

and then a week later, he was
spotted roller-skating naked

through a Woolworth's.

Well, Skippy, I don't skate, and
I'm sure this is gonna go fine.

Just relax.

Tell me a little bit
about yourself.

Oh, I-I think you're asking
the wrong guy. Um...

See, I-I'm pretty much
a mystery to me.

Okay, then we'll both
discover you at the same time.

So, Skippy, why don't you
tell me a little bit about

your past relationships
with women.

Okay, um, well,
you know about Amy.

Mm-hmm.

And before that, there was...
ooh, let's see, uh...

nobody.

Mm, unless of course
you count Mallory.

What exactly was the nature of
your relationship with Mallory?

Somewhere in between
close personal friend and dog.

You know, I've got to admit,

I was a little nervous
about doing this,

I mean, because we're friends,

and sometimes it's hard to work
with people you know real well.

But I have to tell you, I feel
very comfortable talking to you.

I-I feel very comfortable
talking to you, too.

I just wish I could be like this
around other women.

Well, maybe
you're scared of women.

Maybe-maybe you're scared
of relationships.

Does the word "love" scare you?

Well, maybe.

I-I guess it depends on
how it's used in a sentence.

How so?

Well, "I love my mother"
is fine.

Um, "We'd love to b*at you up
and take your bike" worries me.

(chuckles)

Okay, let me
rephrase the question.

Uh, does the concept
of being in love scare you?

Not if I could find
the right person.

Well, who's the right person?

Uh, someone who listens.

Someone who cares.

Someone who makes you
feel funny, you know?

Like, uh, little sparklers
are going off in your stomach.

Go on. I'm listening.

I guess that's it.

What do you look for in a guy?

I-I guess it's just the little
things that affect me, you know.

Someone who's not afraid
to show affection.

You know, a gentle pat
or a squeeze of the arm.

Ooh.

That is delightful.

Well, enough about me.
Let's get back to you.

What do you look for in a woman?

Well, I suppose she's pretty.

What does she look like?

Well, she's got long,
dark brown, lustrous hair;

beautiful pale blue eyes;

pink, shell-like ears;

and-and cute little
orange freckles

across the bridge of her nose.

Wow.

She sounds like a knockout.

She is.

So, you ladies prepared
for your adventure on wheels?

Steven, don't start.

Elyse, I'm not.
I just want to help.

I happened upon
this Ohio driver's handbook,

and I thought I might
give you a little quiz.

Dad, I think we'll be fine
on our own.

(chuckles)

Come on.

This will be fun.

Here's one.

"When parking on a hill, which
way do you turn your wheels?"

Oh, well, okay, that's easy.

Um, towards the curb
if the car is pointing downhill,

away from the curb
if the car is pointing uphill.

Very good, Elyse.

That's great, Mom.

You really know your stuff.

(chuckles):
Yeah, I'll say.

Let's try another one, shall we?

"When making a left turn
from a two-lane street

"onto a three-lane highway,
does the car turning left

"onto the street or the car
turning right onto the highway

have the right of way?"

Let-let me think just a minute.

Quickly, Elyse, there's no time.

Here comes the tractor-trailer.

But if-if I were actually
on the street...

- Too late, Elyse.
- Oh, Steven.

All right, all right.

Let's, uh, let's try
an easy one.

"At what speed do you require
a Class license

to tow anhydrous ammonia?"

That's impossible.
I don't know that.

And you call yourself a driver.

Do you think
you could do better?

Yes, I do.

Okay, big boy, you got it.

Oh, no, Mom, please don't leave.

No, honey, I'm sorry.

I-I cannot take the risk

of what might happen
on some wild night when

you and your girlfriends decide
to go out and tow ammonia.

Okay, Jen, out to the garage for
a few words about tire pressure.

Oh, help.
Dad's taking me to the garage.

(doorbell rings)

I really need to talk, Mal.

Okay, I'll get out of your way.

I-I meant to you.

Oh! Oh, okay. What?

Mallory,

I'm having uncontrollable
romantic feelings.

Oh, I knew it.

Skippy, stop!

You've got to stop
pining for me.

I mean, sure, you're lonely.

Yes, I'm desirable.

But it's got to stop.

It's not you.

Oh, okay.

That was really embarrassing.

Well, sure, I-I felt that way
about you, once,

but now you're more like
a sister to me.

Or even a brother.

No, no, more like a third cousin
on my mom's side...

Uncle Nestor's boy.

It's all right,
Skippy, I'm over it.

What's up?

I think I'm in love with Lauren.

Well, that's great.
Lauren who?

Lauren... of Alex and Lauren.

That Lauren?!

Skippy, you crazy?

I know. I feel so guilty.

- I feel horrible.
- You should.

- How can you do this to Alex?
- I know.

I know.
There's nothing you can say

that I haven't said
to myself already.

Have you said this?

"I'm a jerk!"

I was much tougher on myself.

It even got physical;
twice I had to separate me.

But she's just
the only thing on my mind.

She's the only thing
I can think about.

All day and all night,
all I say is, "Lauren,

Lauren..."

I-Lord, I'm thirsty.

Lauren?

Skippy, perfect.

You know, we got some great news
for you. Tell him, hon.

All right,
I hope you don't mind,

but I matched up your profile

with some other women
I know at school,

- and I got you a date.
- Oh.

Alex and I
are gonna double with you.

Isn't this exciting?

Skippy!

- Hi, guys.
- Mm.

Sorry we're late.

I guess I'm in charge
of the introductions.

Alex, this is Pippi.

- Hi, Pippi. Hi.
- Hi.

Pippi, this is Skippy.

My folks love
Pippi Longstocking, so...

Oh, my folks love
peanut butter, so...

Well, Pippi and Skippy.

Well, you two ever get married,

your kids could be, uh,
Flippy, Snippy and Dippy.

(clears throat)

You look beautiful, Lauren.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Don't you think
Pippi looks terrific?

Pippi who?

(quietly):
Pippi Longstocking.

Oh, yes, that Pippi!
Of course, yes.

You look very nice,
very peppy, Pippi.

- Uh, bread, anybody?
- Sure, I...

Hey, now, don't hog it.

Lauren?

No, thank you.

- No?
- No.

Are we ready
to hear the specials?

Sure.

Well, will you wait
just a minute, please?

Lauren, are you ready
to hear the specials?

I think so.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I-I don't think I'm ready yet.

All right, I'm ready.

Tonight I have
a lovely veal scallopini,

a delightful little chicken
in a mustard sauce,

and, of course,
a number of selections

from our brand-new
fresh seafood cart.

Mm.

We have lobster, crab,

roughy and scrod on ice,
and you can select

the exact one that you'd like.

All right,
I'll have the lobster.

I think I'll have
the lobster, too.

Ooh, I'm sorry;
we only have one lobster left.

- Oh, you go ahead, Pippi.
- No, that's all right, Lauren.

Uh, Lauren, you get the lobster.

Pippi, you get the scrod.

- Oh! Come on!
- Skippy!

Alex?

Flip me a flounder, Skip!

- I've got to go.
- Oh, you can't go.

It's flying fish night
at Guido's.

That's okay.

I've lost my appetite.

- Alex, would you drive her?
- Yeah, absolutely.

I feel kind of responsible.

I was the designated
driver anyway.

It's funny, I thought
I'd be driving someone home

'cause they drank like a fish,
not got hit by one.

All right, honey, save me
that lobster, all right?

- (kisses)
- See you in a while.

I had a very nice time, Pippi.

I hope we can do this again.

I'll bring my snorkel.

All right, I don't want you
to blame yourself.

Everything was going fine
until you started throwing fish.

It's all my fault.

I'm a stupid, clumsy oaf!

You're also sweet,
sensitive and caring.

I know what your problem is.

You just tend to get
overly excited around women.

Your senses overload.

That only happens
around certain women.

Well, then maybe
Pippi's still a good bet.

Pippi wasn't the only woman
here tonight, Lauren.

That's very sweet, Skippy,
but what I meant was that...

- Not that!
- I'm sorry.

I couldn't help myself.

Sure felt like
you helped yourself.

(sighs)
I'd better go.

(sighs)

The Keaton driving school
is now in session.

So are some therapy groups
I'd like you to visit.

Dad, would you mind
if we didn't go out in the car

for the first time at night?

I mean, it's gonna be
hard enough in the daytime.

Well, who said anything
about a car?

We are going to simulate
a driving lesson

right here in the kitchen.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Two more chairs,
and we have a backseat.

I can't do this;
I get carsick.

Okay, everybody in the car.

(hums quietly)

(sighs)

Don't slam the door.

(chuckles)

Everybody buckled up?

Okay, here.

There you go.

Start the car.

Okay.

Now pull carefully
into the street,

checking both ways for traffic.

Stop!

- (screams)
- What?!

You almost hit that bicycle.

Jennifer!

If you can't drive
more carefully,

I'm gonna have to get out!

Drop me off at the mall!

Okay...

Please, everybody,
everybody calm down.

We're in traffic now.

Jennifer, watch the road.

Take a left at the light.

Where's the light?
What light?

It's right... there!

You just ran a red light,
young lady.

(sighs)

Oh, uh-oh,
there's a cop behind us.

Where?

Right there.

I'm gonna try to lose him.

Jennifer, no!

Floor it, Jen!

- Jen!
- Hold on!

Jen...

(screams)

Jen...

Oh, no, the drawbridge is up!

- I can't look!
- (others screaming)

(panting)

Give me those keys.

(panting):
I've had it.

You teach her.

She's too much
of a daredevil for me.

I quit.

You can't take the heat,
get off the highway.

- This is all my fault.
- No.

I did his profile;
I should've seen this coming.

What-what-what? What happened?

Aw, Skippy flipped out
at the restaurant.

He tossed a scrod
and kissed Lauren on the mouth.

Well, good thing
it wasn't the other way around.

Oh, that's Skippy. Do you mind
if I talk to him alone?

He'd be crushed
if he thought you knew.

Yeah, that's all right.

Hello, Skippy.

Hello, Lauren.

I'm glad you came over.

I-I think we should talk.

Yeah, I think so, too.

And, uh, since I have to catch
a plane for the Arctic Circle,

I'll go first.

I just want you to know

that wasn't me who kissed you
in that restaurant tonight.

That was my evil twin,
Bad Irwin.

Skippy, I think we should
talk about what happened

at the restaurant tonight.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I-I really am.

It's just that, uh...

well, you were so close,
and, um...

I started to have
these feelings.

What feelings?

That I loved you.

Oh, Skippy,
you don't really love me.

You just have this need
to be loved by someone,

and you transferred
that need to me.

What's wrong with me?

I make a complete fool
out of myself

every time a girl is nice to me.

Fortunately,
it doesn't happen that often.

Skippy, when we were
alone at the lab,

you were charming and relaxed
and funny, and I liked you.

And someone else will, too.

If you can be
that way around me,

you can be that way
around anyone.

Do you think so?

All you got to do
is be yourself.

All right, I'll give it
one more year,

but then I'm gonna be
someone else.

Well, now there's just
one more thing I have to do,

which is, um... talk to Alex.

Alex?

Yes?

I think I'll leave
you two guys alone.

Thank you.

Alex, there's something
I have to tell you.

I, uh, fell in love with Lauren.

But, uh, we talked it over,
and I'm getting over it,

and this will in no way affect
you two or your happiness.

You fell in love with Lauren?

Whoa.

Whoa, Skippy, this is, uh...

this is a shocker.

I mean, uh...

I'm not sure
exactly what to say.

(voice breaks):
I mean, it's a pretty painful...

It's a pretty painful thing
to spring on a fella.

And I'm just
gonna need some time...

to absorb it...

and get over it.

All right, I'm over it.

Oh, Skip, hey, don't worry,

'cause somewhere out there
is a wonderful girl for you.

Everyone keeps telling me this!

Where the hell is she?

Hi...

Oh, no!



MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)