07x24 - Mr. Keaton Takes a Vacation

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



- Hey, guys. - Hi, Alex.
- Hi, Alex. - Hi, honey.

Hey, Mom, what are you doing?

Taxes. Got an extension...
they have to be in next week.

Let's see, that's, uh...

that's, um...

(laughs quietly)

- What?
- (Alex laughs)

Uh, it's nothing.
It's nothing, Mom.

It's... this is...
this is cute.

This... it's very cute.

(chuckling):
It's fine. Just go ahead.

(Alex laughing hysterically)

Alex, I think Mom
is perfectly capable

of doing the family taxes.

Thank you, Jennifer.

I appreciate
the words of support.

Now, why isn't Alex doing 'em,
like he usually does?

Well, Alex isn't always
going to be here.

Besides, I should be able
to do this stuff.

Your father can't help because
he's got a deadline to meet...

he has to finish his new
documentary on Leo Tolstoy.

Well, what happened
to the one he was doing before?

Exotic Pet Stores...

How Much Is That Armadillo
in the Window?

He's blocked on that.

So he switched,
and I get to do the taxes.

What? Mom, look,
you don't understand.

This is America,

and in America,
Americans don't just sit

and "do their taxes."

They go to H&R Block or, uh...

or me.

Well, Alex, I don't have
to go anywhere.

Our taxes aren't
that complicated.

No, Mom, what I'm telling you
is that you are being offered

the services
of Keaton... & Keaton.

Alex, because this is America,
I support and benefit from

many of the government programs
our taxes pay for.

So I am not interested

in the Keaton & Keaton
"insidious loophole" approach.

Take your hands off Andy's ears.

ALEX:
All right.

A good citizen pays
all of his or her taxes.

But at Keaton & Keaton,
no one pays taxes.

I'm sorry, but no, thanks.

All right, Andy, never mind.

Can't teach
an old dog new tricks.

Excuse me?

Oh, I'm sorry,
I meant a young dog.

A puppy.

Oh, Elyse, I'm really excited
about this Tolstoy documentary.

The whole key to it
lies in this book...

- What?
- w*r and Peace.

Remember?
I was reading this

the night you went
into labor with Alex

years ago!

- Oh! - This week, I'm gonna
pick up where I left off.

Oh, Steven, I remember.
I remember.

You wanted to name Alex:
Sascha Alexei Keatonovich.

It's amazing
I grew up so normal.

Don't flatter yourself, Sascha.

- Hi. - Hey, Mal.
- Hey, Mal.

- Hi, Daddy.
- Well, hi, Mal.

How's your documentary going?

Well, I think
it's gonna be great.

Looks like you stripped
the library bare.

(chuckles):
Lucky for me.

(laughing):
Oh, yeah.

Do you want something?

Well, I was gonna ask you
a question, but it can wait.

Oh, Mal, if you've got
a question, just ask.

I-I'm sure between the brilliant
Mr. Tolstoy and me,

we can come up with an answer.

Can Nick stay here for a week

while his apartment's
being painted?

Nyet.

Dad, please? I mean, Nick
really has no place else to go.

I think we can do
this much for Nick.

Thanks, Dad!
I know it's a big favor.

I'm unclear about this...
did I say yes?

Uh, now, look, Mal, um,
you've got to explain to Nick

that your father's got a lot
of work to do on his documentary

and Nick's really gonna
have to keep out of his way.

Oh, yeah, of course, no, you
don't have to worry about that.

The Nick I know is
a very quiet and private person.

I mean, when we're together,
sometimes we...

we completely forget
the other person's there.

One of us has
to say to the other...

"Hey. I'm here."

That's one hell of a think t*nk.

Oh, my gosh, I almost forgot!

Oh! (chuckles)

Hey. I'm here.

(Alex grunts, sighs)

Hey, guys, what's
all that stuff for?

Well, Nick, he's gonna have
to sleep on the couch,

so I'm gonna make it
comfortable for him.

Hey, wait a minute, could we get
a tax deduction for boarders?

'Fraid not, Mom.

See, technically,
he's not a boarder.

He's a freeloader.

Alex, would you get up?

Uh... absolutely not.

Fine, fine.
Have it your way.

ALEX:
Mal... Mal...

How's it coming
with the taxes, honey?

Needn't concern yourself.

ALEX: Dad, Mom's
not taking full advantage

of the new tax laws!

Elyse, I'd listen to the couch.

All right, Alex, that's it!

Just get up!

Jen, help me
with those pillows, okay?

No, not that end...
Nick always likes

to sleep with his feet
pointing north.

How would you know?

How would I know?

Uh... well, Nick told me.

Yes.

Nick's like a compass, see?

And... in fact,
if you lay him down

with his feet pointing south,
he'll turn completely around.

NICK:
Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey.

Mr. Keaton, you really
ought to change the blades

in that razor more often.

It's an electric razor, Nick.

Not anymore.

Well, I'm really tired.

I think I'm gonna
go hit the sack.

Yeah, me, too.

Hey, listen,
can we point him south?

'Cause I want to see him
spin completely around.

I'm going up, too.
Come on, sweetheart.

Yep, I'm exhausted.
Let's go, Mal.

I'll be up
in a little while, Dad.

No rush. We'll wait.

- Good night, Nick.
- Night.

Elyse, I'm not too thrilled

with the sleeping
arrangements here.

We've been sleeping
in the same bed for years.

Not us.

(mouthing)

Please, Steven,
don't be ridiculous.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Now, can we go to bed?

All right, I'm sorry.

You're right.

We're two mature adults.

We trust our daughter.

(sighs):
We trust this young man.

Let's go to sleep.

(thump)

(whispers):
Nick, Nick, wake up.

- (Nick grunts)
- We don't have much time.

My dad's asleep on the landing.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, all right,
all right, I'm awake,

- Shh!
- I'm awake, I'm awake.

Let's go for it in the kitchen.
Come on.

(Mallory and Nick giggling)

- All right!
- (Mallory screams)

(Steven panting heavily)

What exactly
is going on in here?

Aw... Mr. K,
you've ruined the surprise.

Thank God.

What surprise?

We're gonna make a big breakfast
for the whole family.

So...

that's what you were, uh...

doing i-in here?

Yeah. What are you doing here?

- Dad?
- (Steven grunts)

Oh, Mal! Nick! I...

(yawning)

(chuckles):
What a deep sleep I was in.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What am I doing in the kitchen?

I... Oh! I must
have been sleepwalking!

Well... good night.

Hey, Mom.

Hmm?

Last chance for some
professional tax assistance.

She doesn't need
an H&R blockhead.

That's right.

I'm just seconds away
from the biggest tax refund

in Keaton history.

Okay, come on, Keogh deduction
plan, do your stuff.

Mama needs a new pair of shoes!

How much are we
getting back, Mom?

- Minus $ , .
- JENNIFER: Oh, my God...

Don't spend it all
in one place, Mom.

Wait a minute,
I-I can't believe this.

It says we... we owe $ , .

How could we owe $ , ?

Guess what I got in the mail?

A check for $ .

Alex did my taxes
and this is the refund!

(giggles)

$ ?

Mallory, that's more
than you made.

(giggles)

Alex, will you take a look
at this for me, please?

Uh, well, Mom, it looks to me
like you've got everything

under control, so I'm just
gonna shove off, okay?

Oh, please, honey.

Mom, Mom, don't beg, okay?

You're much better than...

Oh, please, I'll be
your best friend.

(sighs)

(grunts)

NICK:
♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning ♪

♪ Oh, what a beautiful day ♪

♪ I got a beautiful feeling ♪

♪ Everything's going my way. ♪

Hey.

Hey, hey.

Nick, what are you doing here?

Oh, wait...
you live here now.

Hey, hey, hey... you know, that
was a pretty amusing incident

that happened in the kitchen
earlier this morning,

huh, Mr. K? Huh?

Yeah. Glad you enjoyed it, Nick.

Next show at : .

So, I, uh, guess it's just
the two of us at home.

Yeah, that's how it looks.

What are we gonna do?

Well, whatever we're gonna do,

I'm just hoping we'll do it
in separate rooms.

Well, maybe later.

Right now, you just do
what you normally do,

and, uh, I'll do what I do, huh?

Fine. Fine, Nick.

(Nick grunts, sighs)

Hey, uh... Uh, Mr. K,

I'm just gonna do a bunch
of sit-ups, huh?

And, uh, could you count for me?

Tell me when I get to ?

Sure thing, Nick. Get started.

(grunting)

What am I up to?

Uh... that's one.

Boy, am I out of shape.

Am I at two yet?

Not yet.

(sighs)

(grunts)

So, uh, what's the big book
about, huh?

Uh... (sighs)

Russia.

Russia. Huh.

So, uh, you just read
for the general idea.

Me, too.

Adult's Digest.

Adults digest what?

I guess whatever they eat, huh?

Oh, hey, hey, hey, I don't mean
to be disturbing you, huh?

- No. No, no, no. - I'll just, uh,
get into my own thing here.

(sighs)

"Meet Bill's gallbladder."

"I am a...
membranous muscular sac

"in which Bill's bile is stored.

"What is Bill's bile, you ask?

Bile is a yellow
or greenish fluid s..."

"...secreted by my very close
personal friend, Bill's liver."

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, I don't mean to be
bothering you, all right?

I'll, uh... I'll just get into
my own thing here, all right?

- (Nick clears throat)
- STEVEN: Yeah.

(groans)

(sighs)

Nick!

What-what are you doing?!

Who? Me?

(gasps)
Oh! Look!

Why, a little fairy must've
brought you a cup of tea.

♪ Tea! ♪

Mal, can I talk to you
about something for a minute?

Sure, honey.

Have you noticed
a slight tension in this house

between me and your dad?

No more than usual.

It's starting to make me think
that maybe I shouldn't

be staying here.
Maybe I should go downtown

and stay
at the Hi-De-Ho "Hote."

No, honey, you mean
the Hi-De-Ho Hotel.

The "L" burnt out, remember?

Oh. Oh.

I just thought
they changed the name.

Anyway, I just think
it'd be better for everybody

if I just left.

No, honey, we all love
having you here.

No, it's rather obvious
that your father doesn't.

But, honey, he never liked you.

Yeah, I know, you know?

But it's just starting
to get to me.

I mean, everybody likes me,
you know?

Except for maybe
my uncle Louie, all right?

When I was eight years old,

I accidentally burnt down
his garage.

However, his wife, Aunt Louie...

she loves me.

Anyway, I'm a good guy,
you know?

Your father should like me.

Well, Nick, maybe
if you stopped whining

about whether or not
he likes you and just...

act the way you do around me,
he's bound to like you.

You think I ought to kiss him?

Hi.

(quietly): Listen, sometimes it
just takes a while with my dad.

Just be patient.

Oh! Look who's here.
It's my dad.

Dad, Nick; Nick, Dad.
Bye.

(clears throat)

Hey, Mr. Keaton.

(chuckles)

Oh. Oh, gosh.

Hello, Nick.

So, uh,

- how's that Russian thing
coming, huh? - Yeah, well...

Fine, Nick, thanks.
Thanks.

Hey, uh, you know how to make
a White Russian?

- It's one part vod...
- Oh, thank-thanks, Nick.

I-I'm sure I'll be able to work
that in here somewhere.

You know how
to make Russian dressing?

Yes, I do, Nick.

Good, good... I mean, you'll
be able to slip that right in

after the White Russian part,
you know? I mean...

we're just rolling
right along here, huh?

Nick...

- if you don't mind.
- Oh, hey, I understand.

Oh, here. Let me get those
for... Oh. (mumbling)

- Nick! Please! - I'm sorry, I'm
sorry. I'm just trying to help.

I don't need you to help me
with this, Nick.

Okay, Mr. Keaton.

You don't need me to help you
with nothing, huh?

Nick, please.

I have work to do.

You know, you've never
really given me a chance.

A chance for what?

A chance to show you
who I really am.

I mean, from the minute
you met me,

you always thought
I was this dumb guy

with no future who's no good
for your daughter.

And now four years later,
you think I'm this dumb guy

with no future who's no good
for your daughter.

Nick, that's not true.

I don't think you're dumb.

Yeah, but you don't think
I'm any good for your daughter.

(sighs)

Look, if Mal wants
to talk to me,

tell her she can find me down
at the Hi-De-Ho Hote.

(sighs)

Elyse, I've been up all night...
up all night thinking.

I need your opinion.

Okay.

I've always been nice
to Nick, haven't I?

Are you crazy?

No, I'm serious.

Come on, Steven, from the moment
Nick set foot in this house,

you were determined
not to like him.

Well, so were you.

Yeah, well,
I came around, though.

I learned to like him;
I talked to him...

got to know the real Nick,

the true Nick, the inner Nick.

(shudders)

ELYSE:
Aw.

Steven, once you get
to know him,

he's really a wonderful guy.

He's very good-hearted,
he's sensitive,

he's-he's good-looking,
he's caring.

Actually, he reminds me
a lot of you.

What?!

Oh, no, no. Just think about it.

Do you remember the first time
you came to my parents' house?

You-you had this headband on,
and the real long hair

and-and your ripped jeans.

God, you scared my mother
half to death. (chuckles)

My father thought you were Cher.

Look, Elyse, I know what
you're getting at here,

but it's a completely
different situation.

When I was Nick's age,
I was goal-oriented.

I-I had a career in mind.
I had a college degree.

That may be true,
but there is something

you have in common with Nick.

It's the way that you loved
and cared for me

when you were a young man...
it's-it's the same way

that-that Nick loves and cares
for Mallory now.

That's a real
rare thing to find.

(footsteps approaching)

Dad, I hope you're happy,

making Nick stay
at the Hi-De-Ho Hotel.

You don't understand
the impact you have on Nick.

And he really cares a lot
what you think of him.

You know, Nick is one
of the sweetest guys I know.

I mean, I'd do anything to have
a boyfriend like him.

Jennifer, go stand
in the corner.

(doorbell rings)

- ELYSE: Oh, um...
- Hi.

Uh, I just came by
to pick up my toothbrush.

MALLORY/JENNIFER/ELYSE:
I'll get it.

Nick, come in. Uh...

make yourself at home.

What is this, a trap?

No, no, I, uh...

I think we need to talk.

I, uh...

I realize I made things
pretty unpleasant for you

these last few days.

Years.

When I first met you,
you didn't strike me

as the sort of young man
I wanted for my daughter.

And now?

Well...

when you say "now,"
do you mean right now?

(sighs)
Look, uh...

Mr. Keaton, sit down.

You know, I know I am not
exactly the kind of guy

you wished your daughter
had fallen in love with.

But I got to tell you,
uh, you know, uh...

I'm really happy being me.

I like me.

I would go out
and buy me a Coke.

But if you don't like me

and if you're never
gonna like me,

I mean, hey, that's the way
it's got to be, you know?

But I love your daughter,

and I want to be with her
for the rest of my life.

And I want you to know

that I am gonna take
excellent care of her.

I know you will, Nick.

And, listen...
about whether I'm ever

gonna like you or not...

(sighs)

I like you right now.

You have respect for yourself.

You have respect...

for my daughter.

I admire that in a man.

Hey.
(chuckles)

- Thanks, Dad.
- (chuckles)

I knew I shouldn't
have said anything.



MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)