09x11 - Golden Oldies

[bunniefuu]

♪ You take the good
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin'
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

"The quality of
mercy is not strained.

"It dropeth as the
gentle rain from heaven

"Upon the place beneath.

"It is twice blessed.

It blesseth him that gives..."

Anybody got a stamp?

"And him that takes."

Thanks. I'm making my
yearly contribution

To my retirement fund.

Nat, how can you
think about retirement?

Your birth
certificate is still wet.

I think natalie is
being very sensible

For a person in her situation.

What situation is that?

Poor.

Don't you ever wonder...

What you'll all be doing
in your golden years?

When I was a little girl,

I used to think
about it all the time.

Heh heh.

Of course, I never
expected to be this golden.

I'll probably be making
my farewell tour

As the grand dame of
the american theater.

My guess is I'll be
living in switzerland.

I think if you buy a
country, you should live in it.

That should jolt them
out of their neutrality.

I'll probably be in hollywood,

Finishing up my
latest screenplay.

Natalie 5: this
time it's personal.

Jo, what do you
think you'll be doing

When you're old and crotchety?

Instead of young and crotchety?

Living as far away from
switzerland as I possibly can.

Wouldn't it be a hoot if
we all retired together?

Right here, in this same house.

Great idea, tootie.

That way, we can end our
adult lives the way we began...

Getting on each other's nerves.

Oh, nonsense.

You'd all have matured,

And all those petty
little differences

Will be washed away

In the wisdom of your
newfound tolerance...

And understanding.

Lovely thought.

It's a leftover from my divorce.

I'm so happy to
find a use for it.

There's no way I can see
myself still living with you guys.

Don't be so sure.

Stranger things have happened.

Who knows what the future
has in store for any of us?

Oh, 98.6. God, I'm dying.

Look, come and see what
I've gathered this fine day.

My delphiniums are blooming,

And each eager blossom
bequeaths its delicate,

Fragile essence
to the total canvas.

Ahh, shut up.

Neil simon didn't
tell me to shut up

When he pleaded with me
to costar in his all-black,

All-female pantomime
revival of the odd couple.

Perfect casting. You're
female, black, and odd.

I know you don't
mean to hurt me, jo.

That's your pain talking.

The pain that harold caused
you when he dumped you

For a younger, prettier, firmer,
and all-around sweeter girl.

Oh, shut up.

I'm so glad you're home.

I am positively at my wit's end.

I have had a most
frightful morning.

Been lookin' in
the mirror again?

At least my
reflection appears in it.

No, I met this most very
attractive gentleman

At the fruit and produce
section at tiffany's.

And when I innocently
hollered out my phone number,

He didn't write it down.

Blair, it's time you
accept the fact

You're not a winsome
beauty anymore.

None of us is.

Yes, but you've had your
whole life to adjust to that fact.

This is something
so very new for me.

I'm gonna have to do
something about it.

I wouldn't, blair.
After a certain age,

It's not wise to have
cosmetic surgery.

I'd never resort to that.

Why not? I think you should
make those doctors do it

Till they get it right.

This is my real... Everything.

[Doorbell rings]

Beverly ann: comin'!

We'll get it, beverly ann.

Wait, wait. That may be a man.

I better do somethin'
with my face.

How about wallpaper?

Beverly ann: here I come!
Just be a second now!

Oh, really, beverly
ann, we're right here.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I said I'd get it,
and I'm gonna get it.

What exactly was I gonna get?

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, right. Ha.

The telephone. Hello?

[Gasp]

Natalie!

Tootie: oh, look,
everyone, it's natalie.

Do me a favor and
forget the niceties.

I'm in a foul mood.

Natalie: what a
dump. What is this?

The place where old
furniture comes to die?

Well, it ain't much,
but it's all we got.

Tootie: jo, can't you see

Natalie comes here
in a state of agitation?

Agitation, my heinie.

My own daughter let her husband

Talk her into kicking
me out of their home.

You'd think a child of mine

Would have the spunk
to stand up to a man.

That's what I get
for naming her tootie.

Well, if you're just
gonna sit there and hum,

I'm gonna hang up!

Darling, there's
no one on the phone.

It's natalie. She's here.

Hi, beverly ann.
Nice to see you.

Who are you?

It's me, natalie.

Natalie, next time you phone,

You'd better say something!

So, nat, what are
you planning on doin'?

I thought I'd
spend my final days

With the friends who
love and understand me.

Oh, where's that?

Here, you ninny!

Here? Oh! Here! Oh,
absolutely. Excellent.

You want to live here.

Why not? Didn't you
guys get back together

To keep each other company

And to split the
household expenses?

Nah, no one else would have us.

Well, we have the
room. This is a big house.

This house...

There's somethin' about this
house I'm supposed to remember.

We know, beverly ann.

You've been sayin' that
for over a year now.

Well, is it okay if I live
here with you guys?

Beverly ann, is it all right
if natalie lives with us?

Just a minute. I'll ask her.

Natalie, can you
come live with us?

Anyone want another
piece of cheesecake?

Not me, thank you.

I want to keep
my girlish figure.

Yeah? Where are you keepin' it?

It just so happens that the
manager down at the bank

Says that I have the body
of a 40-year-old woman.

Well, give it back, 'cause
you're gettin' it all wrinkled.

When is natalie gonna arrive?

I'm here, beverly ann.
Have some cheesecake.

No, thank you.

I'll just have some cheesecake.

How are your kids, jo?

Aw, they're doing great.

Betty lou's with the swat team

And junior's doing
construction with,

If you'll pardon the expression,

His father.

Oh, jo, I'm sorry to hear what
happened between you and harold.

Ney, it's not the first
time an old turkey ran off

With a young chick named bambi.

What kind of
stupid name is bambi?

It's the past tense of bimbo.

Thank god my
husband never left me

By running off
with another woman.

Jeff did the right
thing and d*ed.

That's a terrible thing, dear.

You know... Tootie's
husband d*ed.

Jo: well, I'll be damned if I'm
gonna feel sorry for myself.

Jo's right.

Bitterness over divorce
only eats away at your beauty.

Ah, so that's how it happened.

All 7 of my divorces
were very friendly.

It's the marriages
that were bitter.

[Doorbell rings]

Comin'!

I'll get it, beverly ann.

Just in case it's somethin'
we need to know right away.

Like the house is on fire.

Which house?

There's somethin' about this
house I'm supposed to remember.

[Doorbell rings]

Blair: why, andy.

Hi, blair. Just
thought I'd stop by,

See how beverly
ann's coming along.

Beverly ann, it's andy.

Beverly ann: coming!

Take a seat, andy.

Andy, I haven't
seen you for years.

Natalie, what a
pleasant surprise.

When did you grow a mustache?

Oh, about a year ago.
When'd you grow yours?

That's our andy, never changes.

He's still short.

Andy's the mayor
of peekskill now.

I don't care. He's still short.

Where's my andy-wandy? Oh.

Hi, beverly ann.

So what brings you by?

Well, this is the last day.

I figured you guys might
need some help with the house.

What kind of help
with the house?

You know, the usual...
Packing, moving, like that.

What do you mean,
packing and moving?

Come on, you know.

This house is being
torn down tomorrow.

[Gasp]

Oh, I just remembered.

This house is being torn down.

Andy, how come you never told
us the house was being torn down?

Well, I thought you
knew. I told beverly ann,

And the city's been
sending official letters

Ever since the
decision was made.

Beverly ann, why didn't you
tell anyone about the letters?

I have 'em right
here... In the drawer.

Ohh... I found the cat.

But why does the city
want to tear it down?

Oh, to make way for an
18-story high-rise cemetery.

A high-rise cemetery?

Well, it's the wave
of the future.

And when the people of peekskill

See me taking this kind
of a leadership role,

Well, I should be a
shoo-in for governor.

But, andy...

Why would you want
to tear this place down?

It's the house you grew up in.

Have you seen the
governor's mansion?

Look... Look, uh...

I have a meeting
of the city council.

So relax. Take
your time packing.

The bulldozers won't be here
till 9 a.m. Tomorrow morning.

Ciao.

Blair, you can stop
this condemnation.

Buy a judge.

Blair, you've got tons
of money and influence.

Now's the time to use it.

I can't.

You mean, you won't.

No, I mean, I can't.

The truth is... I'm flat busted.

Well, I've seen
them looking better,

But I'd hardly call them flat.

She means she's broke,
tapped out, zilch city.

All that alimony I had to pay.

I filed for
bankruptcy years ago.

How have you been
supporting yourself?

I get money every month
from an orphan in korea.

Then we're doomed.

Now, don't worry, anybody.

I wasn't a top corporate
lawyer for nothin'.

I may not have money,

But I still know how
to obstruct justice.

I'll file so many injunctions,

They won't come near this place.

When you really want to
keep people away from here,

Stand out front
with your robe open.

Well, this is it. Moving day.

We've done everything we could,

And nothing's helped.

Guess it's the end of
the four musketeers.

It's not fair.

We never bothered anyone.

We just wanted to live
out our remaining days

In familiar surroundings...

In an atmosphere
of love and support.

I say, if there's
justice in this world,

This isn't it!

Thank you. Thank you.

That was denise's
farewell speech

From a farewell to farewells,

Just before she sh*t
herself at her farewell dinner.

[Doorbell rings]

Comin'!

I don't think there's
enough time left

On the planet for that one.

Harold? Hi, beautiful.

[Door slams]

Jo, wasn't that your ex-husband?

If you mean the man
who dumped me for a girl

Whose towels say
his, hers, and next...

Yes.

[Doorbell rings]

Hold your horses. I'm comin'.

Jo, you can't
treat him like that.

Why not?

Well, for one thing, he's a man.

Why, harold, what a surprise.

Well, I know you
didn't expect me.

She meant how
much hair you lost.

What do you want, luster-head?

There's nobody here.

Jo, can we talk?

No.

Why should she want
to talk to the jerk

Who abandoned her?

She wasn't abandoned.
She got a nice settlement,

And my construction company

Sends her a check every month.

Do you think that filthy lucre

Can replace the human contact

Represented by years of
shared memories and affection?

How much is the check?

Harold, buzz off,

Before I pull your support
hose over your head.

Please, jo, don't
get me all excited.

I just want to talk in private.

Anything you have to say to me,

You can say in
front of my friends.

I want us to get back together.

Did your brain fall
out with your hair?

Jo, I made a mistake.

You want to crucify me for it?

Not if someone can think
of a more painful death.

That's my girl.

Jo, at least listen to him.

She's right. A man
is hard to find.

Please, just listen
to what I have to say.

I'm sorry, I'm
lonely, and I'm stuck.

Come on in the kitchen, harold.

Ladies.

All right, harold, say
your piece and get out.

Jo, I love it when
you're forceful.

Harold, speak.

Jo, look, I know I
acted like a rat,

But try to see it my way.

I was getting up in
years and, you know...

Not feeling sexy.

There's a good reason for that.

You're not sexy.

Oh, please, popsicle toes,

I'll spend all my waking
hours making your life

A blissful heaven of
passion and adoration.

Harold, you've hurt me.

You rejected me
because of something

No woman has
control over, her age.

It wasn't your
age. It was bambi's.

The point is you made
me feel like a discard.

Something you get rid
of when it doesn't look

Or work as well as it used to.

How do you expect
me to forget that?

Let me make it up to you.

Please come back.

Oh, I don't know.

Well, give it a sh*t.

I mean, you gotta go someplace.

They're tearing this place down.

How do you know that?

Uh, ooh, uh... I just knew.

Something's fishy
here. You wait a minute.

You're in the
construction business.

What do you know about
this house being torn down?

Nothing.

Only what I read in my
contract to demolish it.

Once a home wrecker,
always a home wrecker.

Jo, I'm not simply destroying.

I'm building the
high-rise cemetery.

I'm creating better living
conditions for the dead!

I'll tell you what, harold.

When you finish
building that cemetery,

I'll help you move in.

Does that mean
you still love me?

[Doorbell rings]

Coming!

Beverly ann, we'll...

Oh, what the hell.
It's her last hurrah.

Oh, it's the runt.

Well, mom, it's moving day.

Write if you find food.

Wait a minute, mayor andy.

Before you kick them out,

I have a plan to save the house

And still build the high-rise.

You do? Oh!

Dame fortune has
finally sat on our lives.

What's the plan?

It's simple.

We keep the house...

And build the high-rise
over and around it.

You mean, we'll be living
underneath the cemetery?

Suppose I could get used to
being close to dead people.

Be kinda like our honeymoon.

But there's a price.

You want to save the house,

You have to come back to me.

Harold, I wouldn't come
back to you if I were a fly,

And you were the last
garbage can on earth...

Which you happen to be.

Is it any wonder I
can't live without you?

Then die, harold.

Jo... How you gonna
face your friends

When they're living in a
one-bedroom hefty bag?

All right.

I guess you got
me by the twist-ties.

Jo, don't do it.

For it is better to die a
thousand noble deaths,

Than to spend one
day in a life of...

Shame.

Harold, if you think we're
gonna let jo go back with you,

You got kreplach rollin'
around in your noggin.

Don't do it, jo.

I'll make the sacrifice.

I'll marry harold.

I don't think so, blair.

Let's just say that your money

Isn't the only thing
that's gone south.

Harold, you're not
much of a gentleman.

I like that in a man.

Ok, mayor andy.

Let the wrecking begin.

[Laughing]

Hey, rock and roll.
This house is history.

This house...

There's somethin'
about this house

I'm supposed to remember.

[Heavy equipment moving]

Oh, well, it can't
be too important.

Tootie: I can't believe
we would imagine

Such a bleak future
for ourselves.

We were just having
fun daydreaming.

More like hallucinating.

I mean, what could be
farther from reality

Than some man
actually marrying jo?

Me living with you
years from now.

Talk about ridiculous. Ha.

I could never be that forgetful.

Now, where are my glasses?

Well, if anything,
all of this fantasizing

Should help us appreciate
what we've got right now.

We're all together, and
whatever the future holds for us,

I'm sure we'll all do just fine.

You said it, tootie.

Just remind me never to
name any children after you.

Oh, come on, natalie, don't tell
me you're taking this seriously.

Hey, I don't know about her,

But I'm gonna call jeff tonight,

Make sure he's
taking his vitamins.

What is this, a group stupid?

Yeah, tootie, really.

Mr. Baxter, it's blair warner.

Could I have the balance
in my account, please?

That's more than
enough. Thank you.

Just checking.

Beverly ann, are you the
only one who agrees with me?

And if so, why does
that frighten me?

Now, jo...

They just got a bit more
caught up in it than you and i.

Hey, everybody, great news.

I've been asked to run
for class president.

I may have a career in politics.

Sure, go ahead... Live in
the governor's mansion

While your poor mother
sleeps in the storm drain.

What am I saying?

You're asking me?

[Doorbell rings]

Sit quietly, everyone,

That could be the
men in white coats now.

Oh, excuse me. I'm late
for a wedding, and I'm lost.

Could you tell me how to
get to st. Anthony's of sienna?

No.

[♪♪♪]