09x17 - Let's Face the Music

[bunniefuu]

♪ You take the good
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin'
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

Well, pippa, what do you think?

It's a dynamite song for
your new band, isn't it?

Yeah, I love it.

But the rest of the girls
might think it's bit tame.

Tame?

Ozzy osbourne would
bite the head off a chicken

For that song.

If I'm going to manage
the witches of eastman,

You have to learn to trust me.

Hey, listen to this.

♪ Give me your animal lovin' ♪

♪ Fits me like a glove ♪

♪ What the heck ♪

♪ Rip off my neck ♪

♪ Chew up my heart ♪

♪ Won't you please chew me up ♪

♪ Girl I want your animal love ♪

You're right, andy,
that is a good love song.

You know, I read somewhere

That the best rock bands

Practice deep below
the surface of the earth.

You know you can make fun,

But the witches of eastland
happen to be going places.

Oh. How soon?

Jo, I remember you used
to play your music so loud,

That the airport
would call and complain.

Maybe if you saw
us in action, jo,

You'd change your mind.

Stick around, take
a squizz at my band.

Well, much as I'd like

To take a squizz at your band,

There's a benefit for the
center saturday night.

Casey went out of town,

Which means blair and I have
to handle the whole thing.

Which means I have to
handle the whole thing.

Too bad, jo. You'll miss
some unreal heavy metal.

Well, pippa, we've
got some time.

Let's go to the pet store
and get you some jewelry.

Hi.

Jo, your problems are solved.

Buying a new home
for pippa and andy?

Still working on that.

But I did just meet

With the building site
and string quartet,

And they're confirmed
to play at your benefit.

That's great tootie.

How did you swing that?

I told them that the benefit

Was to send the
needy kids to camp,

And that was a very
worthwhile cause,

And they said cash up front.

Terrific.

Jo, guess what.

I got sergio pavan.

Do they have a cure for that?

Jo don't be such a peasant.

Sergio pavan is the sergio

Of the golden mirror spa.

You must have heard of it.

No, I mustn't.

That's because you don't watch

lifestyles of the
rich and famous.

It's the fabulous beauty palace
on new york's, fifth avenue,

Where wealthy women,
dripping in diamonds,

Have complete head
to toe makeovers!

I'm yelling! I don't know why!

I managed to convince
sergio's people

There be a good pr for him

To make a donation
at the center's benefit.

Are you sitting?

He's promised to match
whatever we raise,

Dollar for dollar.

I'm impressed.

Naturally.

Not with you. With him.

Wait till you
hear the best part.

Sergio has invited me,

As chairman of the
board of the center,

To go for a complete
makeover at the golden mirror.

Hair, make-up,
clothes, the works.

Does that include a
personality makeover?

It includes something
infinitely more challenging...

A makeover for you.

Jo that's fantastic... A whole
day of sinful indulgence.

You gonna have the best time.

I'd give an arm and a leg

Just to have a
manicure and pedicure.

You get the idea.

Wait a minute.

You expect me to go to some
glorified beauty parlour,

Get my hair all frizzed out

And be painted up like a clown?

No way.

I knew you'd say that,
so I came prepared.

I have with me the one piece
of incontrovertible evidence

That proves beyond
a shadow of the doubt

That you need to
go for a total redo.

Try not to scream.

Very amusing.

Forget it.

Jo, sergio is making

The evening's largest
single donation.

As director of the center,

You cannot insult him
by refusing his invitation.

Look, I appreciate the
gesture, but can't he just donate

What it would cost to
beautify me to the center?

I don't think he'll go
as high as million.

Jo, how can you say no?

Easy. No.

All right.

Tootie, natalie, you
wouldn't by any chance

Like to go with me?

Blair, that's so
generous of you!

Is it gonna cost
me my first-born?

Not that that's
out of the question.

Well, there's one
tiny little thing

You could do for me.

Convince jo to come along.

Blair, I think it would
be absolutley wrong

For us to force jo

To do anything she
doesn't want to do,

Even though it would
make two people

That park their cars inches
away from her motorcycle

Ecstatically happy.

All right, all right.

But nobody waxes my anything.

Ok, snack time, everyone.

I got granola
bars, I got popcorn...

[Amplifier blasts]

I got hearing loss.

Sorry.

Well?

What do you blokes
reckon about this

For my american debut?

Well, pippa, it's, um...

I'll handle it, andy.

I think it's cute.

Cute makes my gums bleed.

Maybe if you washed
your mouth out with soap...

Bev, can I talk
to you for a sec?

Listen, think for
sticking out for me,

Don't get your
knickers in a knot.

I'm trying to make
friends with these girls.

Alright, I'll be in the kitchen,
unknotting my knickers.

If you need me, just yell.

Not that I'll hear you.

Look pippa, you
can't wear no dorky...

What do you call it... Skirt?

Yeah, we're heavy metal,
and we dress that way.

Like me, I'm wearing
snakeskin hip boots,

Spandex body stocking,

Black lace bra, and leg irons.

That's my kind of girl.

All right. that girl's in
trouble, from the top.

Ok, girls, raunch it.

[♪♪♪]

♪ We're bad girls in trouble ♪

♪ You better get
out on the double ♪

♪ Or we'll turn
your face to rubble ♪

♪ 'Cause we're bad bad bad ♪

Close it!

What was that?

Couldn't you
understand the lyrics?

Who cares about the lyrics?

We want pain...
Loud, gut-wrenching,

Shrieking, screaming pain.

Do you want her
sing or have a baby?

Who's the dweeb?

Dweeb? Who's a dweeb?

What's a dweeb?

I think it's you.

Want to hear one of our numbers?

No, we gotta get
going to the spa.

Oh come on, you got time.

Okie-doke.

Alright, take it from the top.

[♪♪♪]

♪ We're bad girls in trouble ♪

♪ You better get
out on the double ♪

♪ Or we'll turn
your face to rubble ♪

♪ 'Cause we're bad bad
bad girls in trouble ♪

I forgot, we have
to rotate the tires.

That's it.

voila!

We've scheduled mister
sergio's reflexology massage

For you, miss ramsey.

Call me tootie.

Mm-hmm.

And mister sergio's

Herbal defoliating avocado
mask for you, miss green.

Call me d*ed-and-went-
to-heaven.

Ladies, assis-vouz.

This is your day to be done,

And we will do it to you.

Face.

Feet.

After this, you'll
have your choice

Of the golden mirror's
steam pore declogging,

The tropical fruit
cellulite trap,

Or the ultrasound
cucumber scalp buffing.

Which one do you
recommend, mr. Wayne?

All of them.

Are we having fun yet?

We are way beyond fun.

We're into ecstasy here.

Hope you realize
how grateful we are.

Oh, please. My only reward
is seeing you both beautiful

While carrying me
on your shoulders

For the next nine years,
you'll look your best.

Nine years! Oh, I
think that's fair.

Excuse me, mr. Wayne.

May I have a word
with you, please?

Everything is satisfactory,
I hope miss warner?

Oh, yes, everything
is excellent.

I just wanted to talk
to you about my hair.

oui?

As you know, even
among us natural blondes

There occasionally
occurs a strange darkening

Around the rootal area.

Yes, I've heard
of this happening.

Science is baffled.

I'm afraid it's
caused by sunspots,

Or the deterioration
of the ozone layer.

Undoubtably. And
you would like us to

Touch up these mysteriously
darkened... Roots?

Well, yes.

I realize it could
be a major problem,

Matching me exact shade
of my natural blonde hair.

Scandinavian
sunset number three.

That's the one. Mm-hmm!

Why don't you
relax, miss warner?

I'll be with you what
we call, right away.

Thanks, you're a peach.

Tootle-loo.

je suis un artist!

[Speaking french]

Please, miss.

Allow me to... Get away from me!

Jo! What are you doing?

Leaving. Good-bye.

But we're not done
working on you yet!

Oh, yes, you are.

I've been steamed,
rubbed, squeezed, plucked,

I mean covered from
head to toe with grease.

Till I feel like a
walking oil slick.

I think it's an improvement.

Now the guy wants to
wrap me in cheesecloth

And do something
of me with fruit,

Which I think is
against the law.

Not in this state.

Jo, please, you're
making a scene.

Everybody's staring.

You don't think that's
because your face looks

Like a river bottom.

Oh, come on, jo.

Some of us are having
a really good time here.

Look guys, I'm really sorry.

I gave it a sh*t.

But this is just not me.

Jo, you can't run
out of here half done.

Just at least let
them finish your hair.

You sit here, and relax,
and read a magazine.

Do you have popular mechanics?

No. But we have a
very nice fellow

Who does the air condtioning.

Oh, mr. Andre,

May I see you for a
moment, s'il vous plait?

excusez-moi, mademoiselle.

Hey andy, I need you
to do a bleach job.

Ok alright. Who gets it?

The dame down there at the end.

Yeah?

Yeah. Make a scandinavian
sunset number three.

Battabing! Battabom!

Come, cheri.

It is time to make
you into a vision.

Bye. Bye.

I thought that was a
rip rehearsal in here.

Only I was think...
Listen, pippa,

In the future, I don't
want you thinking.

I was just trying...

Look, there's only
one lead witch.

That's me.

So if you want to be a leader,

Form your own band!

Did you hear what
that dag said to me?

I haven't heard anything since
your band started playing.

I'm been trying so hard
to make friends with them.

Pippa, when you find people
who really are your friends,

You won't have to try.

Ta-dum!

Awoo!

Tootie, look at you!

You're gorgeous.

What can I say?

You're right.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you the
new natalie green.

She's chic, she's trendy,

She refering to herself
in the third person.

Alright, if you need a
groupie, I'm right here.

If blair and jo look
as good as you do,

People aren't gonna think
we're all sisters anymore.

Am I funnier than I think I am?

We had a rather
unusual experience

At the golden mirror.

Blair!

All right, knock it off.

They turned you into jo.

It is jo! [Indistinct]

I didn't recognize you.

Yeah, you look so...

Watch it. Blonde. I like it.

There was a mix up

And they gave blair's
hair coloring to jo.

They said they can it
back to her original color

But her hair needs
about hours to rest.

I need about
to stop laughing.

Meanwhile, I have to go to the
center tonight looking like this!

They say blondes have more fun.

And blair always looks as
though she's having a good time.

I'm really on a roll here.

Jo, you don't look so bad.

I mean, you could
look a lot worse.

Yeah, you're right, tootie.

I could look like that.

If there's any justice,

The world's largest pigeon

Will fly over the
golden mirror spa.

Blair!

What happened?

They mixed me up with jo

And put harsh chemicals
on my delicate hair.

Oh, tell the truth now.

You just wanted to look good

For the return trip
to your home planet.

We are not amused.

How the hell, do
you think I feel,

Walking around,
looking like pia zadora?

Well at least you look human.

When I meet that sergio pavan,

You know what
I'd like say to him?

Beam me up, scotty?

Hi. Good evening.

How's it going,
nat? Great crowd.

I haven't seen a fake fur
or american car all evening.

I just wish that string quartet
would get here. They have to set up.

Relax. They'll be
here any minute.

Ha! Hi, blair.

Let's get this
evening over with.

I'll die if anyone
recognizes me.

I know, blair.

It's isn't easy being green.

Guys, I don't know
how to tell you this.

You can say anything,

As long as you don't tell me the
musicians aren't gonna show up.

It's been nice
chatting with you.

Hey, hey. Wait a
minute. What's going on?

They just called.

They're doing another benefit.

We got outbid by the
homeless stockbrokers.

Sure they canceled.

They probably
heard about my hair.

I'm going to circulate and
see if I can get some pledges

Before they find out
there's no entertainment.

I'm really sorry.

Excuse me!

Can you tell me where I
can find miss blair warner?

I'm sergio pavan, owner
of golden mirror spa,

New york's mecca of beauty.

You're sergio pavan.

Just the man I'm looking for.

No thank you but I'm
here to meet miss warner.

She spent the day in my salon,

And I'm anxious
to see the results.

You'll see the results in court.

I'm sure I don't know
what you're talking about.

But if miss warner isn't here...

Oh, miss warner's
here all right.

Of course she is.

Of course, she's right here.

Uh, she's me!

What?

Uh, mr. Pavan wanted to meet me,

Blair warner,

Before presenting that
big matching funds donation

To me, blair warner,
for my center.

How do you do, miss warner?

You're everything I
pictured and more.

Oh, stop.

More?

Forgive me.

And you are?

Oh! Just one of the tragic souls

Your dollars will be helping
to pull out of the gutter.

Jo polniaczek.
Put 'er there, pal.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha.

So, miss warner, tell me,

How did you happen to get
involved with this center?

Well... Serge, when
people meet me

I know they get the impression

That blair warner is
nothing but a selfish, shallow,

Spoiled, insensitive,
overbearing, obnoxious...

Mr. Pavan is a very
busy man, blair.

Get to the point.

Scheming brat.

This charity does such
wonderful work for the community.

And I just hope we see a
lot more of you around here.

Yeah, if you ever need
your engine overhauled,

Jo polniaczek's your man.

I'll keep that in mind.

Miss warner, I must commend you

On this benefit.

So often I get invited to
these charity functions.

And for the most part,
they're such disappointing.

There is no food,

There is no entertainment.

All they seem to
have is their hand out.

Well, have some more food, pal.

Thank you.

And I'm certainly
looking forward

To the musical
entertainment tonight.

Aren't we all?

Until later.

Bye-bye.

I don't believe this.

All that ridiculous disgusting
flirting you do actually works.

Don't get used to it.

Blair, give it a rest, ok?

We have a big problem here]

Nobody's giving anything.

Maybe they're waiting
for the entertainment.

Where are we supposed
to get a string quartet

On such short notice?

Wait a minute.

There's four of them,

And there's four of us.

Tootie, be serious.

Even if we could
get the instruments,

Us as a string quartet?

[Playing off-tune]

Okay, so maybe that
isn't such a hot idea.

Well, great. Now what?

What about pippa and her
little scuzzball friends?

They're a band. We need music.

I don't think the noise they
make legally qualifies as music.

Believe us, trash cans falling
downstairs sound better.

Nails on blackboard.

Animals in heat... Pippa!

Are all nice things
that god gave us.

You know how hard it is to parallel
park a winnebago in this traffic.

Thank god for bus stops.

Sorry, guys.
We're in a little jam.

Pippa! This is an
emergency. I need your band.

The band broke up.

Ordinarily I'd be thrilled.

But that's not what
we want to hear.

Well, it's all my fault.

We were loading
the stuff in the van,

And I'd had just enough
of amy picking on me.

Then, I guess, I said
the wrong thing,

Because this big
cafuffle broke out.

Well, what did you say to her?

Rack off, you daggy,
head-banging veggie-brain.

Some people are so thin-skinned.

Yeah it's just my luck,

Four women fighting,
and it's not over me.

Well, this whole thing has
turned into a complete disaster.

Well, almost.

Blair's hair is still green.

Wait a minute.

Where's all the
stuff from the band?

Outside in the winnebago.

I've been carting
it around for days.

No. No, uh-huh. Forget it.

It's right up there with that
stupid string quartet idea.

Jo come on, let's at
least think about it.

Ho ho, rock and roll.

We have got for you tonight,

The hottest, coolest,
baddest heavy metal band

Ever to shake their booty,

The peekskill sewer system!

[♪♪♪]

♪ We're bad girls in trouble ♪

♪ You better get
out on the double ♪

♪ We'll turn your
face to rubble ♪

♪ We're bad bad bad
girls in trouble ♪

♪ We're everybody's garbage ♪

♪ We're the trash
you just throw out ♪

♪ We're the kind of
girls your mother ♪

♪ Warned you about ♪

♪ We're bad girls ♪

♪ We're bad girls in trouble ♪

♪ You better get
out on the double ♪

♪ We'll turn your
face to rubble ♪

♪ We're bad bad bad
girls in trouble ♪

Jo, maybe you should
do the honorable thing,

And leave the country.

Maybe we should do the honorable
thing and tell sergio the truth.

You're suggesting
telling the truth?

I'm desperate.

Jo let's put it this way.

Unless you certainly
know how to yodel,

What other choice do we have?

I know how to yodel.

That settles it.
Where's mr. Pavan?

Come on.

Uh, mr. Pavan...

Look, you might as well know,

You see, we booked a
string quartet for tonight,

But they canceled.

So there is no entertainment.

And people are
beginning to get bored

And are leaving without
donating any money.

So obviously, there
aren't any funds

For you to match.

I'm really sorry. Thanks
a lot for coming though.

Goodnight.

You know, you're beautiful
when you're honest.

Give me a break.

If you don't mind,

I'm talking to miss warner.

I owe you an apology.

There's something more
important than music and food

To put me in the giving mood

And that's honesty.

Well, thank you.

So how much is honesty
worth these days?

I'll donate $ , ,

And then I'll match it.

By the way, how did
you and your friends

Enjoy your day at my salon?

Well... To be
honest... We loved it!

In that case, I insist that
you come back next week

And experience
it all over again.

[♪♪♪]