11x19 - Hello Bikini Bottom!/ChefBob

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

all: Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

all: Aye, aye, Captain!

- ♪ Ohh...

♪ Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Absorbent and yellow and porous is he ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ If nautical nonsense be something you wish ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants! - Ready?

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

♪

[waves crashing]

[tropical music]

♪

[calming music]

- Greetings, children of Bikini Bottom.

I am Karen, the computer fairy.

[singing opera]

And I have a magical tale to tell.

Once upon a time, there was a dim-witted sea star

who was about to stuff his fat face.

- [grunts]

[humming]

♪

[grunting]

- [laughs]

That idiot has such a huge pile of patties.

I don't think he'll notice if one walks away.

[laughs]

- [chomping]

Aww, I need more ketchup.

[grunts]

- Hmm, which patty to choose?

This one? Nope, too small.

This one? Nope, been chewed.

This one? Nope, the seeds are missing.

Hmm.

[groans]

[screams]

- [grunts]

- [groans] Stand up, you moron!

- [shouting]

- Get me an ice pack, you idiot!

- Where are you, voice? Where are you?

- Uh, Patrick? - [shouts]

Oh, it's you, SpongeBob.

I thought you were this crazy voice that keeps telling me

what to do.

- Oh, that's probably your conscience.

- What are "conscience"? Are they bad?

- No, a conscience is a tiny voice inside you

that tells you the difference between something that's right

and something-- - [groans]

- That's wrong. - Hmm.

So I should do what the voice tells me to do?

- Now that's a smart little sea star.

- [laughs]

[chewing]

- [chuckles]

- [slurping]

- [groans]

Patrick, this is your conscience speaking.

- [groans]

Oh, nice to meet you, conscience.

- So stupid.

So, stupid, the first thing you need to do is buy some more

Krabby Patties on the double. Hi-ya, hey-o!

- That'll be the first thing I do, conscience.

- Yes!

- Right after I run some errands.

[quirky music]

[groans] - Huh?

No! [grunts]

I'm calling the sh*ts here. Now get that Krabby Patty.

- It's just a little list! Please, conscience?

- All right, pea brain. Make it quick.

- Number one: high-five everyone!

Huh! - No, put me down first!

Ow! - High five!

High five! - [screams]

- Low five! - [screams]

- High five! - [groans]

- High five! - [screams]

- High five! - Ow!

- High five! - [groans]

- High five! - Ow!

[moaning]

- [grunts]

[giggles]

[ragtime piano music]

♪

Number two: Ice cream!

Yeah! [waggles tongue]

One Double Chocolate Molar Blowout, please.

- One Molar Blowout, coming up!

- No! You hate ice cream. You only want Krabby Patties.

[grunts]

Hey, you! Cancel that order!

[groans]

- [giggles]

- [grunts] - [shouts]

Ow!

You hate high fives and ice cream?

Are you sure you're my conscience?

- Uh, uh, I, uh--I'm absolutely positively your conscience.

♪

- Hey, doesn't your nose grow when you tell lies

in fairy tales? - Nope.

Noses only grow when you make up the truth.

- Ooh. - See?

- [laughs] I wanna make up the truth too!

Uh, I ate a hot air balloon for breakfast.

Mm. I-I mean, um...

I did not eat a hot air balloon for breakfast.

Hey, I got a big nose too! Nose fight!

En garde! - [screaming]

[grunts] - Hey!

[both grunting] [cheering]

- Hooray! [cheering]

[both grunting]

- [shouting]

all: Uh-oh.

[quirky music]

♪

both: Sorry.

[dramatic music]

[both shouting and groaning]

[quirky music]

- Time to let your conscience be your guide.

Give me that list!

[grunts]

[mutters]

Here. - Hey, only one errand left.

Gotta give a Plankton a Krabby Patty!

- ♪ Oh, yeah!

[quirky music]

- Wonder why I wanted to give Plankton a patty?

- Why not Plankton? He's a sweetheart.

Huh? [grunts]

And as your conscience, I demand you toss that patty

in the mail slot!

- Ooh, I love mail slot toss!

Hmm!

- Not so hard! Hmm?

Mm!

- I've been wanting to hit the beach all week.

[laughs] all: Goo Lagoon!

Goo Lagoon! - Huh?

[groans] Huh?

Ah!

Patrick, please promptly pursue Plankton's patty.

Get the idea?

- [groaning]

[groans]

- [moaning]

How many planktons does it take to change a light bulb?

[quirky music]

One.

- Oh, now I get the idea!

♪ Ooh, gotta follow that patty! ♪

- [screams] Ouch!

Wait for me, you pink pinhead!

[groans]

[surf rock music]

- Mmm.

- Ow. - Ow!

Hey, watch it!

- Ow! - [burps]

Huh?

- [spitting]

- [spits]

- [snoring]

- There's blubber mouth.

♪

[gulps]

- There's Plankton's patty!

- You know what to do. - Do I?

[grunts]

Oh, yeah! - [groans]

[grunts] [shouting]

Huh? [shouting]

Whoa![groans]

[moans] Oh, well.

No patty for Plankton. [cries]

- [grunts] I'm going in!

[grunting]

- Ugh, just being near a whale's mouth

gives me the creeps. - [grunts]

- [shouts]

- [screams]

- Quiet, you fool! You'll wake up Pearl.

- [screams quietly]

- [groans]

- [gulps] [snores]

- [groans] This is snug.

- Mother always said I'd end up in a whale's belly.

Or prison. - Hey, who-a goes-a there?

- Who goes where? - The name's a-Geppetto.

Take off your hats. Stay a while.

- We don't have time for a visit, old man.

We're just trying to find our sandwich!

- Sandwich?

No, I haven't seen anything like that

around here in months. [chuckles]

Huh? [chuckles]

- Hey, Geppetto, what's that behind your back?

- Is that our Krabby Patty? - Nope.

Oh! [grunts]

- [grunts] Aha!

I got the patty! - Aha!

I got the wig!

- Son, they're-a stealing our food-a!

- Who's stealing our food, Pop?

Let me at 'em, let me at 'em!

- Get him, Pinocchio!

[all grunting]

- [humming]

[all grunting]

- Oh, no. A stomachache at the beach?

That's no fun. I wish it would go away.

Hmm? - Your wish is granted.

Hold out your hand.

[upbeat music]

- Wow! What is this?

- For fast relief of indigestion,

try Gush and Flush and wash your pain down the drain.

And my stupid husband, while you're at it.

- [gulps] Ah.

[groans]

[all shouting]

[groans]

[all screaming]

- Thank you, extra-strength Gush and Flush!

[giggles]

- Pinocchio, we're-a free-a! ♪ Yeah!

- [snarls]

- Huh? [giggles]

Don't worry about the patty, Patrick.

I'll take it to Plankton myself,

like a good little conscience. See you.

[giggles] [grunts]

- Oh, hey, Patrick. - [grunts]

My conscience? - You are?

- Yep, I'm Patrick's conscience.

But I overslept.

- Well, if you're my conscience, Conscience,

then who's that? - It's a bug!

Step on it! - [groaning]

- And they all lived happily ever after.

So until next time, this is--

- Karen! - The computer fairy,

hoping all your dreams come true.

[quirky music]

- Let me at 'em, Pop. Let me at 'em.

Let me at 'em, let me-- aww!

[swashbuckling music]

♪

[accordion music]

♪

- [groaning]

You people are proof that evolution can go in reverse!

all: [shushing]

- [humming "Entrance of the Gladiators"]

♪

Pew! Pew! Pew!

all: [oohing]

- [humming]

♪ Ta-da!

[cheers and applause]

- Mr. Squidward, why aren't these walking

wallets spending money? - [grunts]

Because they're too busy watching SpongeBob cook.

- What? - Ow!

[grunting]

- [whistling]

- Well, he's not exactly maximerizing his work time

with those flourishes.

But boy, does that boyo have talent.

[cheerful noises]

[grunts]

And talent is worth money.

[shouting] [all scream]

- [grunts]

- [singing]

[quirky music]

[confused noises] I have X-ray vision!

I can see through walls.

- Calm your waters, lad. I just knocked it down.

- I--why'd you do that?

- In the restaurant business, it's called an open kitchen,

so the customers can watch the cook cook.

- Oh, Mr. Krabs, I don't know if I can take

that kind of pressure. - Nonsense.

You're a born performer. Ooh.

Here. [grunts and spits]

[marker squeaking]

You've even got your own dressing room.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

- [groans]

[shouts] - [moans]

[groans] Come on, boyo, it's showtime.

[quirky music]

- [groans]I can't.

I've got stage fright.

- SpongeBob, if you don't come out, you're fired.

- [groans]

- There he is! - [grunts]

- Chef Bob!

Me little star!

Break a leg. Break two legs.

- My leg! - Shut up, Fred.

[singing]

[cheers and applause]

all: [oohing]

[quirky music]

[all groaning]

- What?

- [giggles nervously]

- That's just wrong!

- [groaning]

- Come on, boyo, razzle-dazzle them!

- [groans] - Huh?

- Oh, what do I do? What do I do?

Huh? Oh.

♪

- [groans] Hmm?

♪

[cheering]

- Hi, everybody! Who's hungry?

[all groaning]

- I guess I am.

- Welcome, welcome to my job in the kitchen of Chef Bob.

I cook and dance, I wear square pants,

cooking for this hungry mob.

♪ Your order, please!

[cheering]

- The little Chef Bob is a sensation.

[showy music]

[quirky music]

[murmuring]

- Hi, everybody! Who's hungry?

all: We are!

- Yay! [goofy noises]

[cheering]

Yah! Yah!

- [laughing]

- Ah! Huh? Huh?

[goofy noises] - [elated screaming]

- Voila!

[quirky music]

♪ Ta-da!

[watch beeping] - Oh, look at the time.

I gotta get home and get my beauty sleep.

- Oh, what d*ed on that guy's neck?

Oh, it's his head. - Huh?

Hey, what d*ed on your neck? Oh, it's your head.

[all laughing]

- Why, that little plagiarist. That was my line!

- [laughs]

Obviously the sleep hasn't been helping!

[laughs]

- Did-did I say that? I didn't say that.

- [laughs] Hey, do me.

Insult me. - All right.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I was born pretty, what happened to you?

- [laughs] That was a good one.

- Huh? Whoa!

- Chef Bob, we don't speak like that to our customers.

- Me next! sh**t me a zinger!

- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't get that.

I don't speak goober!

[all laughing]

- I love it. Guilty as charged.

[laughs]

[quirky music]

[cheering]

- Oh, great. I've created a monster.

A funny, talented monster.

- [laughing]

Oh, I gotta hand it to you.

That new insult comedy act is really bringing in the money.

- Hmm.

- Ah, what's this here? - Sorry, Mr. Krabs.

It's a list of things Chef Bob needs for his dressing room.

- Oh, does he?

Fresh-cut seaweed,

a manicurist for SpongeBob's puppet hand--What?

A bigger dressing room?

- In the meantime, we'll just take over your office,

blubber boy. - Blubber boy?

Huh? Oh.

No way! [grunting]

[groans] - What's the matter, Krabs?

You don't like money? - [groans]

- What? Of course I like money.

The office will be ready in five minutes.

- Chef Bob, I think your insults are mean and hurtful.

What do you say we just go back to the Krabby Patty routines,

huh? - Need I remind you that

my insults pay your salary?

- Yes, sir. I mean, no, sir.

- Chef Bob, you stole my line.

I do all the insults around here.

- Oh, I am so sorry, Squidward.

You're absolutely right.

- Um, oh, well, uh, thank you.

It's-it's-it's really not such a big deal.

- Let me make it up to you. Hi, everybody!

I'd like to introduce you to a very good friend of mine.

Squidward Tentacles! [cheers and applause]

- Huh? Oh, no, please, please.

You're-you're too kind.

- I was gonna ask Squidward how old he was,

but then I remembered he can't count that high.

- Huh?

[laughter]

- Hmm? [growls]

All right, that's it!

You can't talk to Squidward that way!

He is one of my best friends.

[quirky music]

- That's even more insulting.

- Get a load of him, folks!

He must've been born on a highway because that's where

most accidents happen. Yeah!

[clucking] [laughter]

- [shouting]

- Ow! - Not funny!

[both shouting]

[laughter]

- [shouting]

- He scores!

[chattering]

- Have a drink! - [gasping]

[gargling]

- No, no! [shouting]

[all oohing]

[rumbling]

[both shouting]

[exciting music]

- En garde!

[both grunting]

[groaning]

- [laughing]

[both groaning]

[all gasping]

[both grunting]

- [screaming]

[both crying]

Oh! Ah! Ugh!

[all muttering]

- Me customers!

- [groans]

- All right, enough of this.

[grunts]

Chef Bob, you are hereby fired!

Mr. Squidward, will you do the honors?

[quirky music]

- Let me help you slip into something more comfortable.

Like the gutter.

[quirky music]

♪

- [sighs]

I learned a very valuable lesson today.

- To always be yourself and not hide behind a puppet?

- Well, yeah, that, but mostly don't slam your puppet hand

in a register drawer.

[both laughing]

- [laughing]

Ow.

- [screams]

both: What is it, Mr. Squidward?

- It's-it's alive!

- And now it's time for...

"The Chef Bob Cooking with Insults Show"!

And here's your host, Chef Bob!

- Hi, everybody! Who's hungry?

[cheers and applause]

All right, roses are red, violets are blue.

I was born pretty, what happened to you?

[cheers and applause]

- Yay, yeah!

[all groaning]

[tropical music]

♪