07x02 - Even a Matsui Stick Can't Handle Some Kinds of Dirt

[bunniefuu]

Shin: Due to a twist of fate,

Shin: Gin-san was entrusted with the Universal Clock, which controls time across the universe,

Shin: by the Watchmen of Time.

Shin: However, he accidentally destroyed it,

Shin: causing the universe's time to stop.

Shin: As the only ones left unaffected by the laws of time,

Shin: we tried to get the world back on track by

Shin: frantically jumping to various points in the past and future.

Shin: But not only did we fail to repair the clock,

Shin: we kept ending up in futures where someone met an untimely fate.

Shin: Damn it. There's gotta be a way.

Shin: There's gotta be a way to save everyone.

Internal,Shin: I know it...

Internal,Shin: I'm sure of it!

Gen: You... still have that much strength in you?!

Mad: I'll die with you!

Gen: Let go!

Gen: I'm sorry.

Gen: I'll never pick my nose again!

Mad: I'm not falling for your tricks again!

Pic: Sorry to keep you waiting.

Pic: Are you ready?

Mad: Do it!

Gen: W-Wait!

Pic: Special Beam Attack!

Title: Even a Matsui Stick Can't Handle Some Kinds of Dirt

Gin: This is hopeless.

Gin: No matter how many times we try, we keep reaching a future where

Gin: either the geezer or Hasegawa-san dies.

Shin: How did the future come to this?!

Shin: Also, they're both dead here!

Shin: What did you even do to reach a future where the two of them get pierced

Shin: by a Special Beam Attack?!

Gin: I don't remember the details.

Gin: However, it's quite likely

Gin: that they aren't dying because of the Special Beam Attack or getting run over by a truck,

Gin: but because of us.

Gin: Basically,

Gin: the very fact that we came in contact with the geezer to get the clock fixed

Gin: raised a death flag for them.

Gin: At that point, we were already en route to a future where someone dies.

Gin: After that, it didn't matter if we managed to stop the truck or P*ccolo.

Gin: We still couldn't prevent their deaths.

Gin: There was only ever one way we could save their lives:

Gin: by not coming into contact with them at all.

Shin: D-Does that mean

Shin: there's no way to fix the clock?

Shin: No one but Gengai-san could possibly repair it.

Shin: Are you saying the world will stay frozen in place forever?

Gin: No.

Gin: There's one route that lets us save the world.

Shin: Don't tell me...

Shin: The route where Hasegawa-san dies instead of Gengai-san?

Kag: But that's too cruel.

Shin: Do you mean to say we have to sacrifice someone if we want to save the world?

Shin: Are you telling us to choose such a heartless path?!

Gin: I'm not saying anything of the sort.

Gin: If fixing the clock means someone dies, then we just won't fix it.

Battery,Sign: The battery is running low. Please replace it.

Gin: We can just replace the battery!

Shin: Gin-san, what are you talking about?

Gin: When I took a closer look at the clock,

Gin: I found one face with a digital display that was frozen in this state.

Gin: That means it was never broken in the first place.

Gin: It was simply my misunderstanding.

Gin: This clock just has a dead battery!

Gin: Final Attack!

Kag: We should've done this from the start.

Kag: If only this moron were dead,

Kag: we wouldn't be in this situation immediately after returning.

Kag: What did we even put in all that effort for?

Kag: We should've checked over the whole clock first.

Shin: Who would've thought it just had a dead battery?

Shin: Talk about jumping to conclusions.

Kag: But now, all we need to do is replace the battery,

Kag: and nobody but this moron will have to die.

Kag: The world will start operating like normal again.

Shin: That said, why does the clock that controls

Shin: the entire universe's time run on AA batteries?

Kag: That was no ordinary AA battery.

Kag: It seemed like a type that'd be hard to find on Earth.

Shin: That's why we're going back to the scene of the crash, right?

Shin: The Watchmen of Time who were protecting this clock

Shin: might have some extra batter—

C: Roger that!

C: Hey, clear the way!

C: Casualty coming through!

Shin: Wh-What?

Shin: The Shinsengumi are investigating the crash site!

Kag: This is bad.

Kag: They might've already taken everything away as evidence.

Kag: That's...

Oki: Uh, Hijikata-san, what is that?

Hij: Beats me. Maybe a battery of some sort?

Shin: We found it!

Shin: There's no doubt about it.

Shin: Hijikata-san's holding an extra battery.

Kag: Guess it was just before they took it away.

Kag: Thank goodness. Now the clock—

Kag: Hey, he's frozen with the battery in his hand.

Kag: He's clutching it unbelievably hard!

Kag: I can't even get him to budge!

Gin: Step aside. Your methods are too soft.

Gin: Let go, damn it!

Gin: Instead of the battery, grab your own d*ck or something!

Shin: How is punching him in the face gonna help?!

Shin: And who are you even beating up?!

Gin: What's going on here?

Gin: He's holding on to the battery for dear life.

Gin: Is it a memento of his grandpa?

Shin: Why would his grandpa run on batteries?

Shin: It's just that time's frozen.

Shin: Using force is pointless.

Shin: Oh, I know.

Shin: We just have to move the clock

Shin: a tiny bit forward to a future where he lets go of the battery.

Gin: I get it. Good idea.

Kag: Here goes.

Hij: Hey, Kondo-san.

Gin: He's still holding on to it.

Shin: Looks like he took it back with him.

Shin: Let's move time forward a little more.

Hij: Are you stupid?

Hij: The amount of vinegar in it is what really matters!

Kag: He still hasn't let go of it.

Gin: Why is he clutching it in his sleep, too?

Shin: Maybe he just forgot he was holding it?

Shin: Let's go a little further.

Hij: Just because it's handmade mayonnaise doesn't make it good.

Shin: Let's go a little further.

Shin: A little further.

Shin: He reached the end of his lifespan still clutching the battery!

Gin: Hey! What's the meaning of this?

Gin: Why'd his life end without him ever letting go of the battery?

Gin: Even in his coffin, he's clutching it!

Gin: In fact, it's filled with batteries!

Shin: Why is this guy so attached to batteries?

Shin: This is harassment!

Shin: He's trying to interfere with us, no matter how you look at it!

Kag: Wait, could it be that he was running on batteries all along?

Gin: We won't have a chance to get the battery back in the future.

Gin: Kagura.

Kag: Gotcha.

Gin: And we're back where we started. Well just have to settle things here.

Shin: But how, exactly?

Gin: Doesn't matter how! We've just gotta do it!

Kag: If the three of us work together, we should be able to do it!

Shin: It's impossible! I told you, using force is pointless!

Kag: Oh, it popped out!

Kag: The battery...

Gin: Or, well, his arm.

Shin: What the hell did you do?!

Shin: This is why I told you to stop!

Shin: Poor Hijikata-san!

Shin: What are we gonna do once time goes back to normal?

Shin: What's gonna happen to him?!

Gin: Can you blame us?

Gin: He literally held the fate of the world in his hand!

Gin: And now we've got the battery.

Kag: It's no good.

Kag: The battery won't go in 'cause his fist's in the way.

Shin: In the end, all you've done is crush the fate of the world!

Gin: Settle down.

Gin: If we move time forward now,

Gin: surely his arm will lose strength

Gin: and the battery will fall out.

Shin: But then he'd find out that his arm was yanked off!

Gin: For now,

Gin: let's replace his arm

Gin: with a Matsui stick or something.

Shin: Why a Matsui stick?!

Gin: Well, this way,

Gin: he can clean the grooves of sliding doors, windows,

Gin: and sash windows in the blink of an eye.

Gin: Add some baking soda, and the back of the gas stove

Gin: and the corners of the sink will be clean and sparkly, too.

Gin: He'll also be able to clean spots beyond arm's reach easily.

Matsui,Sign: Matsui Stick

Gin: And he won't find out, because things will be more convenient for him now.

Shin: I don't know why you're talking about

Shin: things "beyond arm's reach" when he doesn't even have an arm!

Gin: All right. Move the clock forward, Kagura.

Kag: Here goes.

Oki: Hijikata-san, what is that?

Hij: Oh, it's a battery-powered

Hij: Super-Electric Matsui Stick RX.

Super,Sign: Super-Electric Matsui Stick RX

Shin: The battery became a part of the Matsui stick!

Gin: What's going on?

Gin: How is he still holding on to the battery when his arm's gone?!

Gin: Why has the Matsui stick evolved?!

Oki: So, does it come in handy?

Hij: Yeah.

Hij: It has the power to squeeze out every last drop of mayonnaise in a flash.

Shin: Forget evolved, it's regressed!

Shin: This has just made it harder to get the battery!

Shin: What do we do?!

Gin: Hey...

Gin: Someone's peeking over that wall at us.

Shin: Elizabeth-san!

Elizabeth,Sign: Look, Katsura-san. A UFO's crashed in the neighboring lot.

Shin: What's he doing there?

Shin: Was he keeping on eye on what his enemies, the Shinsengumi, were up to?

Zu: Hey, Elizabeth!

Zu: Don't let your guard down! The enemy stands before your eyes!

Zu: If you think you can catch my ultimate pitch,

Zu: let's see you try it!

Gin: Where do these guys think they're playing catch?!

Gin: Your enemy really is standing before your eyes!

Shin: Were these t*rrorists playing around without even knowing

Shin: the Shinsengumi were in the next lot?

Shin: I guess idiots are just idiots, no matter what moment they freeze in!

Kag: But this is convenient.

Kag: I just had a great idea.

Kag: First, we make a Katsura stick.

Shin: Hey! What the hell's a Katsura stick?!

Kag: Then we replace Mayo-guy's Matsui stick with the Katsura stick.

Shin: Just how simple is their body configuration? What are they, plastic models?

Kag: Now, if we just stick the Matsui stick here and move time forward,

Kag: we can manipulate him into throwing the battery as part of playing catch!

Shin: Manipulate him, my ass!

Shin: It's obvious he'll get freaked out that his arm is now a Matsui stick!

Kag: We can just return everything to normal

Kag: once we get the battery and get the clock running again.

Kag: On that note,

Kag: play ball!

Shin: The Matsui stick is way too powerful!

Shin: The Matsui stick is way too powerful!

Shin: It's turned most of this place into scorched earth!

Shin: Forget catch, the ball's pierced through everything, never to return!

Shin: What exactly happened here?

Zu: Hey, Elizabeth!

Zu: Here I come!

Zu: Eat this...

Zu: My ultimate pitch!

Zu: See that?

Zu: This is my Matsui Cyclone!

Kag: That wasn't even a pitch. It was just a Rocket Punch.

Gin: How'd he get used to the Matsui stick and master its use in a matter of seconds?

Shin: That aside, where's the battery?

Shin: Just how far did the Matsui stick go?

Shin: Don't tell me it disintegrated while holding the battery.

Gin: Wait! What's that floating over there?

Shin: There it is!

Shin: Thank goodness. The battery's fine—

Kyu: Otae-chan, look out!

Wham,Sign: Wham

Shin: It's not fine at all!

Shin: Sis!

Shin: Oh my God!

Shin: This is the moment it hit my sister's head at full speed!

Gin: This is bad.

Gin: If we don't do something, the Matsui stick and the battery

Gin: will be blown to smithereens in the next . seconds!

Shin: Worry about my sister instead!

Wham,Sign: Wham

Gin: We need to find a peaceful resolution.

Shin: It's no use! The Matsui stick's not budging!

Shin: At this rate, my sister will...

Gin: Pachi-boy...

Gin: It's impossible to change the fact that she got hit with the punch.

Gin: If we can change something, it's this.

Shin: You broke the SFX!

Shin: What the hell? How'd you do that?!

Gin: "Wham" sounds really painful,

Gin: but look, "ham" doesn't seem like such a big deal, right?

Shin: Is that really the issue here?!

Gin: Still not enough, huh?

Wham,Sign: Ham... {\fs }or something, whatever!

Gin: How about this, then?

Shin: What kind of SFX is that?!

Shin: And how'd you write that in mid-air?!

Wham,Sign: Ham

Gin: In that case...

Gin: Let's go with Ham-san.

Shin: Who the hell is Ham-san?!

Shin: Why is the SFX walking on two legs?!

Ham: Otae-chan, look out!

Shin: Why are you going "Otae-chan, look out"?!

Shin: That's Kyubei-san's line!

Gin: I had Kyubei stay silent this time

Gin: by giving her the bit I broke off earlier,

Gin: in the form of one stick and two balls.

Shin: What in the world are you using it for?!

Gin: I think it'll take just a bit more to make this convincing.

Ham: Otae-chan, look out!

Gin: There. This should sweep things under the rug.

Shin: Hey! The SFX the Rocket Punch created

Shin: is trying to stop the Rocket Punch!

Shin: What's even going on here?!

Gin: Ham-san did the best he could.

Gin: Otae shouldn't go blind with rage now.

Shin: Look, nothing's changed!

Shin: The fact that she got hit with the Rocket Punch hasn't changed!

Gin: All right. Try moving the clock forward, Kagura.

Internal,Tae: That's as far back as I can remember.

Internal,Tae: I've lost my memories from before I got hit with the Rocket Punch,

Internal,Tae: but I could never forget the gentle voice I heard back then.

Kyu: Congratulations, Otae-chan...

Internal,Tae: Yes, the voice I heard back then was Ham's.

Internal,Tae: And to this day, it continues to stand by my side and gently support me.

Shin: Why?!

Kag: The boss lady looks so pretty!

Shin: But why is she marrying a SFX?!

Kag: Well, it seems like she lost her memories,

Kag: and women are highly susceptible to kindness when they're feeling down.

Kag: Way to go, Ham bro!

Shin: Ham bro, my foot!

Shin: I won't stand for this, damn it!

Shin: Also, he's totally become sentient!

Gin: He's a devil created by the frozen time.

Gin: Forcing this world, which can give form to SFX and freeze them in place,

Gin: and the original work's highly manga-like form of expression into an anime

Gin: must've breathed life into him.

Shin: No, that's a monster you created!

Shin: I won't stand for that marriage! Or that future!

Shin: Hurry up and turn the clock back!

Gin: Screw you. This is our chance to get the battery.

Gin: Kagura, move the clock forward.

Kag: Aye, aye.

Pri: Now, the couple will exchange Rocket Punches,

Pri: for that is what brought you two together.

Shin: Why's the Rocket Punch acting like some sort of wedding ring?!

Gin: Rocket Punch and Rocket Punch...

Gin: When they clash, both of their fists will crumble,

Gin: and the battery that's been clutched inside all this time will finally pop out!

Shin: That's what exchanging Rocket Punches is about?!

Shin: What part of that is a vow between a husband and wife?!

Gin: Kagura, just one more push.

Kag: Got it!

Shin: Huh?

Ham: Ham Fist!

Shin: What?

Shin: Wait, that's not exactly a Rocket Punch...

Shin: My sister's using her bare fist!

Gin: There it is!

Gin: The battery finally popped out!

Ham: Ham!

Gin: Now the clock,

Gin: and the world's time, will go back to normal!

Gin: We can make it so everything up until now never happened!

Gin: Find it!

Gin: There!

Gin: Where'd it go?!

Shin: Uh...

Shin: Gin-san, this battery...

Shin: It's not AA.

Shin: It's AAA.

Battery,: {\fs }The battery is running low. Please replace it.

Battery,: {\fs }The battery will run out shortly.

Shin: Oh...

Shin: At that moment,

Shin: the entire universe's time

Shin: truly came to a stop.

Ham: What the ham are you guys doing right after returning?

Ham: Don't just leave me here on my own.

Ham: Carrying on a show like this by myself is more than I can hamdle.

Gin: Shut up! I've been up for ages already!

Gin: Huh?

Gin: I thought I just heard the alarm clock ring...

Oto: I'm only gonna say this once, stupid curly!

Oto: You'll cough up this and last month's rent,

Gin: Whatever.

Oto: and you'll do it right now, even if you have to sell your kidneys!

End,Sign: The End

Sign: Urgent Announcement After This!!

Sign: Begins Shortly

Kag: It seems Mr. Sakata Gintoki has an urgent announcement for us after this.

Sign: Mr. Sakata Gintoki's Urgent Announcement

Gin: Can I start now?

Gin: You might have noticed it in the opening already,

Gin: but I'd like to take this opportunity

Gin: to present the Gintama anime's third season title logo.

Gin: This is the new title logo.

Shin: Uh, excuse me.

Shin: I've been meaning to ask about that for a while now...

Shin: Last time, there was an extra stroke beside the "tama" part,

Shin: so most people called the season "Gintama Dash."

Shin: How is this title supposed to be read?

Gin: Well, we've received similar questions

Gin: from not only our viewers,

Gin: but the production committee, as well.

Gin: You see, this title...

Gin: This is how it's written

Elizabeth,Sign: Gint°ama

Gin: in hiragana.

Gin: I'm sure you understand now.

Gin: So, you there, the bespectacled virgin...

Gin: Read it out for all of us. Go.

Shin: Gindhama?

Elizabeth,Sign: Gint°ama

Gin: You think this is a joke?

Gin: You think this is funny? Huh?

Gin: You got it all wrong. Give me a break, seriously.

Gin: Once more, from the top.

Gin: Go.

Shin: Ginphama!

Gin: No! Are you stupid? Die!

Elizabeth,Sign: Gin°tama

Gin: Take a good look. You can tell by looking, right?

Shin: Hey! The circle's in a different place now!

Gin: Come on, now.

Gin: Don't blame the circle's position for your inability to read.

Shin: But it is its fault!

Gin: Sheesh. This is why your character profile has never been revised

Gin: and you're still the same guy from episode one.

Shin: What are you even talking about?

Gin: Forget it.

Gin: In that case...

Gin: All of you viewers at home,

Gin: try reading it aloud.

Gin: Go!

Gin: Okay.

Gin: If that's how you want to pronounce it,

Gin: I don't see why not.

Shin: Knock it off!

Gin: Ghost!

Next,Sign: Next Episode

Yzk: I think anyone, even if it's the producer, who gets in the way

Yzk: of someone else's romance should get kicked by a horse and die.

Sign: An Inspector's Love Begins With an Inspection

Yzk: Next Episode: "An Inspector's Love Begins With an Inspection."

Sign r: Shinsengumi Inspector Yamazaki Sagaru.

Sign l: Character traits include plain, badminton, and anpan.

Sign r: And springtime has arrived for him, too?!

Sign l: Will his love bear fruit?