07x11 - Calories Come Back to Bite You Just When You've Forgotten About Them

[bunniefuu]

Sign: Ginko's Request: Watch this program in a bright room and at a safe distance from your TV, 'kay?

Shin: Lost as to whether to live as a woman or as a man,

Shin: Kyubei-san met a shady fortune teller who turned her into a man!

Shin: What's more, that phenomenon affected all of the Kabuki District.

Shin: It turned Gin-san into this,

Hero,Sign: He

Shin: Kagura-chan into this,

Hero,Sign: Hero

Shin: and I, Shimura Shinpachi, ended up looking like this.

Pink,Sign: Pink Glasses

Shin: Wait, why?!

Shin: The culprits were the extremist religious cult of Dekobokkoism,

Shin: who declared that those who didn't remain faithful to their new gender

Shin: would be subject to divine punishment,

Shin: and tried to force us to adopt their beliefs as our state religion.

Shin: Because of the now-pointlessly-pretty Takarazuka Revue gorilla,

Shin: we ended up catching their attention

Shin: and getting surrounded.

Shin: That's when the Shinsengumi- turned-Cunsengumi showed up.

Shin: As you might expect, Okita-san was a top-class beauty,

Names,Sign: Okita Sogo (F)

Shin: but Hijikata-san...

Names,Sign: Hijikata Toshiro (F)

Title: Calories Come Back to Bite You Just When You've Forgotten About Them

D: What's with these people?

D: Don't tell me

D: the government's lapdogs have snuck into this town.

Names,Sign: Shinsengumi (F)

Gin: Huh? Are those dogs, Pachie?

Gin: One of them looks like a pig to me.

Gin: Looks like Tokyo X.

Shin: What on Earth is Tokyo X?

Gin: A branded breed of pig from Tokyo.

Tokyo X,Sign: Farm

Shin: No, that's not a pig! It's a demon!

Shin: It's Hijikata Toshiro-san, the demonic vice chief!

Names,Sign: Hijikata Toshiro (F)

Gin: You mean Tokyo-X-Shiro-san, right?

Names,Sign: Tokyo-X-Shiro (F)

Hij: Who are you calling X-Shiro?!

Oki: Calm down, Tenshiro-san.

Hij: What do you mean, Tenshiro?!

Hij: Why'd it become a Roman numeral?!

Oki: Give her a break, boss.

Oki: The moment Tenshiro-san became a woman,

Oki: all of the mayonnaise calories he'd accumulated came bursting out,

Oki: leaving him in this state.

Hij: As if turning into a woman wasn't bad enough!

Hij: Why am I the only one who looks like this?!

Kon: Don't worry, Tenko.

Kon: We're all in the same situation.

Kon: All of the gorilla I'd accumulated came bursting out, too.

Kon: Despite how I look, my ass hair is running rampant.

Names,Sign: Kondo Isao (F)

Hij: What the hell is "accumulated gorilla"?!

Hij: What are you saying with that pretty face?!

Oki: That's right, Tenko.

Oki: All girls put in a lot of effort behind the scenes.

Names,Sign: Okita Sogo (F)

Oki: If you wanna go on a diet, we'll join you.

Oki: All right, guys.

Oki: We're having barbecued pork today.

Hij: All of your accumulated sadism is bursting out!

S: Gosh, I haven't had barbecue in so long!

S: I might end up overeating.

S: But we have to make sure we don't get bad breath.

Shin: Hey!

Shin: What are you doing, you bunch of drag queens?!

Shin: Is this really the time for that?!

D: If you intend to stand in our way,

D: we will eliminate you along with the heretics.

Kon: Unfortunately, you're the heretics in our eyes.

Kon: We won't let you have your way in this town any longer!

Kon: You...

Kon: ...damn heretics!

Kon: No need to worry, Dekobokkoists.

Kon: If anyone dares to defy Lord Dekobokko,

Kon: we, the Cunsengumi, shall throw them in jail!

Shin: Don't tell me, you guys...

Oki: Sorry, but we came to protect this town from heretics like you.

Oki: The government's already making moves to adopt Dekobokkoism as the state religion.

Shin: N-No way!

Oki: So basically, we were sent here to crack down on heretics who defy the state religion.

Kon: If you can't understand how wonderful those teachings are,

Kon: I feel so sorry for you.

Kon: Until things are settled,

Kon: we'll take care of the heretics.

Kon: Could you leave things to us?

D: I see, comrades.

D: A wonderful mindset.

D: I'm sure Lord Dekobokko is smiling down on you from the heavens.

D: Let us work together to correct this planet's erratic gender roles.

Auth,Sign: Authenticating

Unlocked,Sign: Unlocked

M: Hacking complete.

M: Now the surveillance cameras in this area shouldn't pose a problem.

Kon: Good.

Gin: What's going on here?

Kon: It's as you see.

Kon: They've taken over all the surveillance cameras in this town.

Kon: Try anything funny like you did earlier,

Kon: and they'll come after you immediately.

Kon: If we'd gotten into a big fight back there,

Kon: all of Earth would've ended up like the Kabuki District.

Gin: What's your point?

Oki: If you keep up your moronic acts, we won't be able to cover for you.

Gin: Just so we're clear, what happened back there was

Gin: because your moronic chief defecated outdoors—

Kon: It wasn't outdoor defecation! It was a freedom fly-away du—

Gin: It was outdoor defecation, wasn't it?

Jyu: Were you people tailing that cult before all this happened?

Hij: We received intel that a religious group on the interspace wanted lists

Hij: was planning to make contact with Earth.

Hij: While we managed to figure out that they'd set up base in this town,

Hij: we didn't expect them to use "God" this early in the game.

Hij: That's why we ended up in this mess, too.

Jyu: "God"?

Hij: There's a satellite orbiting Earth way up in space.

Hij: That's what the "God" they worship really is.

Hij: To further their doctrine, the Dekobokkoists were researching

Hij: a drug that could manipulate the human body's hormone balance.

Hij: In other words, a drug that could make men more manly, and women more feminine.

Hij: But they ended up creating something unexpected in the process:

Hij: the virus that's infecting us right now.

Jyu: A drug that turns humans into pigs?!

Hij: That's not what I said!

Hij: Their radical missionary work bordering on terrorism began only after that.

Hij: Indeed.

Hij: That light was no divine judgment.

Hij: It was a hormone-reversing virus fired by an attack satellite.

Hij: In the end, this mess was entirely the doing of filthy humans.

Jyu: But why would they turn you into a filthy pig, of all things?

Hij: Who are you calling a filthy pig?

Hij: The bakufu has quarantined this town,

Hij: but the virus itself doesn't last long in the air.

Hij: What's more, it's basically not contagious at all.

Jyu: So Tae-chan won't get infected and turn into Shimura Tae-X?

Jyu: That's a relief.

Tae: Jyubei-san,

Tae: thanks for your concern.

Hij: The question is how to stop that satellite

Hij: and get our hands on the vaccine to return our bodies to normal.

Hij: It's unlikely we can stop the satellite, though.

Hij: Apparently it has a system where

Hij: it'll automatically fire the virus at Earth the moment it detects any irregularities.

Hij: There's nothing we can do.

Gin: So you're saying we have to strike the cult directly to fix things?

Jyu: And we're the only ones who can do that? With these bodies?

Hij: Yeah.

Hij: We have to slip through their surveillance, find their base,

Hij: and take them all out before they press the switch of destruction.

Hij: If it's even possible to pull such a stunt, that is.

Shin: No way! That's impossib—

Kag: Oh, it is possible.

Kag: No matter how powerful Wei may be,

Kag: if Wu and Shu work together,

Wei,Sign: Wei

Wu Shu,Sign: Wu Shu

Kag: they can definitely hold them off!

Sign: Battle of Red Cliffs

Kag: It's the Battle of Red Cliffs!

Kag: Let us take down Cao Cao together!

Shin: What in the world are you even fighting against?!

Shin: Also, aren't you supposed to be in Cao Cao's camp?!

Gin: Well, if it's a way to return my body to normal, I'll take it.

Gin: I'd even take a pig's help right now.

Hij: The hell's that supposed to mean?

Oki: Oh, all right.

Oki: But if you prove useless, we'll leave you behind.

Oki: You'd better not drag your piggy feet.

Hij: Can't you damn sadists talk without adding "pig" to everything?!

Kon: All right!

Kon: From here on, we're comrades-in-arms!

Kon: To celebrate our alliance...

Kon: Prepare a pig roast!

Kon: Let's share the Oath of the Pig Garden!

Pig,Sign: Oath of the Pig Garden

Hij: We're back to this?!

Hij: First, we have to take care of the surveillance set up all over the place.

Hij: As it stands, we can't make any moves.

Hij: We'll go around connecting this to every camera we find.

Hij: It'll hack into the camera and start looping a previously recorded video.

Hij: Listen up.

Hij: If they notice us, everything will be ruined.

Hij: Be as natural as possible,

Hij: try your best not to defy their teachings,

Hij: and act feminine.

Hij: Let's go, girls.

Hij: Hey! Soko, Ginko!

Hij: Why don't we hit up a cafe for some mayo bowl—

Gin: There are no girls like that.

Hij: Wh-What was that for, Ginko?

Hij: That retort was too violent. Aren't you a girl?

Gin: Sorry, Tenko!

Gin: But it was your fault for talking about mayo bowls after you said you'd go on a diet!

Hij: R-Right.

Hij: Girls diet all year round, don't they?

Gin: Yeah!

Gin: You always go off to take in more calories the moment your mind wanders.

Gin: Come, let's enjoy this Uji Gintoki bowl togeth—

Hij: There are no girls like that, either.

Gin: What was that for, Tenko?

Gin: Don't you know that all girls love sweets?

Hij: That's no sweet! It's a sweet monster!

Hij: A calorie monster!

Gin: You're the calorie monster here!

Gin: As you can see, I have a nice body,

Gin: so I don't need a diet.

Hij: You? A nice body?

Hij: Don't make me laugh.

Hij: A nice body is a glamorous one with a bit of meat on the bone, Ginko.

Gin: Yours is grotesque if anything, Tenko.

Hij: Don't get too cocky just because you're slim.

Hij: Mark my words, I'll be cuter than you when I lose weight.

Gin: Please. My Ginko's definitely cuter,

Gin: has bigger boobs, and is willing to do all kinds of perverted stuff.

Hij: If I were a guy, I'd stay far away from a bitch like you.

Hij: I'd definitely go for Tenko!

Gin: Okay, fine, you assh*le!

Gin: Wanna compete and see who's more popular with the guys?

Hij: Bring it!

Hij: Let's settle this by picking up guys!

Ymz: Hey! What do you think you're doing?!

Ymz: What did they even come here to do? They've got their priorities all mixed up!

Names,Sign: Yamazaki Sagaru (F)

Ymz: Soko-san, you should tell them off!

Oki: Sheesh. They have no clue what femininity is all about.

Oki: Girls these days are all like...

Oki: Hey, mister!

Oki: Wanna have fun with an HS girl?

Ymz: What femininity? You've just degraded into a huge slut!

Oki: Hey, you've got loads of money, right?

Kag: Sorry,

Kag: but I'm an HS girl, too.

Ymz: What kind of HS girl is that?!

Kag: Hopelessly Skint.

Ymz: That wasn't funny!

Tae: I hope Ginko-san and the others are handling this all right.

Jyu: The Shinsengumi are with them. I'm sure they'll be fine.

Tae: It's the Shinsengumi I'm worried about, though.

Tae: Anyway, acting feminine to pretend they're following the teachings?

Tae: This might be inappropriate, but I could learn a lot from this.

Tae: I usually never think about that kind of stuff.

Jyu: T-Tae-chan,

Jyu: you're fine as you are.

Jyu: You're plenty feminine already.

Jyu: There's no need for you to change,

Jyu: and I don't want you to, either.

Tae: Th-Thank you.

Tae: Gosh, this is throwing me off a bit...

Tae: I know it's you, Kyu-chan,

Tae: but it feels like I'm talking to some other man.

Tae: I-I'm sorry.

Tae: Oh, there's a surveillance camera there!

Tae: I'll go take care of it!

Jyu: Tae-chan!

Jyu: You don't have to do anything!

Jyu: Wait, Tae-chan!

Jyu: Are they gone?

Jyu: T-Tae-chan?

Jyu: I-I'm sorry!

Tae: N-No...

Tae: I-I'm s-s-s-sorry, t-too...

Tae: I-I p-panicked and m-messed up...

Tae: Oh, there is a camera over there, too...

Jyu: Tae-chan!

Jyu: Th-This is fine.

Jyu: Th-This way...

Jyu: I-If we pretend to be l-lovers,

Jyu: w-we won't draw any suspicion.

Jyu: What on Earth am I saying?

Jyu: What in the world am I doing?

Jyu: I was the one who triggered this mess.

Jyu: Cleaning it up is my duty and responsibility.

Jyu: So why is this situation—

Jyu: Why is being a man

Jyu: making me feel a tiny bit of joy?

Jyu: I know that this isn't the time or place.

Jyu: However, I can avert my eyes no longer!

Jyu: I mean,

Jyu: as a man, I'm free to date Tae-chan!

Shin: Lovers?

Kon: That might be a good idea.

Shin: But...

Shin: Wouldn't siblings pretending to be lovers start some weird rumors?

Shin: What do you think, Kondo-san?

Kon: Oh, dear.

Kon: But I might not mind being the subject of rumors with a hottie like this.

Kon: Be gentle with me, darling.

Gin: Hey, mister.

Gin: Wanna get some coffee with m—

Oto: I'm not a mister!

Oto: I'm a granny!

Names,Sign: Otose (M)

Hij: Hey, mister.

Hij: Wanna get some coffee with me—

Cat: Shut it, fatty.

Names,Sign: Catherine (M)

Gin: I'd forgotten that the men in this town right now are all actually women.

Hij: I'd forgotten that I'm a fatty right now.

Gin: Damn it!

Gin: I'll show you that Ginko's definitely more popular than you!

Hij: Keep talking!

Hij: Crazy b*tches like you will always be cast aside.

Hij: In the end, men always come back home, seeking Tenko's kindness!

Bo: Hey, mister!

Bo: Wanna get some coffee with me?!

Sac: Sheesh. I'm utterly fed up with the men of this town.

Tsu: You're out picking up guys without doing anything to fix this crisis?

Gin: Surveillance cameras?

Sac: It was only after I became a man that I realized...

Tsu: ...just how pathetic and useless the men of this world are.

Bo: Get lost, pigs.

Sign: Sarutobi Ayame (M) Tsukuyo (M)

Jyu: How'd it go, Ginko-san?

Jyu: We managed to deal with close to twenty cameras,

Jyu: but there were more of them than we thought.

Jyu: There's no telling just how many there are all across the Kabuki District.

Jyu: Honestly, I'm not sure we can deal with them all.

Kon: Unless we disable the surveillance, we can't even look for the cult's base.

Kon: We have no choice but to progress steadily, darling.

Jyu: I am not your darling!

Kon: Aren't we a stalkouple who used to chase after the same person?

Kon: I think we could have a long and fruitful relationship.

Jyu: As if!

Jyu: Try touching me one more time.

Jyu: I'll cut you!

Gin: Enough.

Gin: That matter's already settled.

Shin: What do you mean, already settl—

Sac: It's as she said.

Sac: There's not a single surveillance camera left in this town.

Sac: While you were kicking up a fuss after turning into women,

Sac: they were all taken care of

Sac: by us guys!

Shin: Th-The cameras!

Wha—

Shin: Who's that bespectacled character trying to steal my role?!

Shin: Doing something this conspicuous will only attract their atten—

Tsu: Don't worry.

Tsu: If you don't want to be found out, then instead of just the eyes,

Tsu: take everything out, including the ears, mouths, hands, and feet all at once!

Tsu: Those bastards holed up in the ground

Tsu: no longer have any access to outside information.

Tsu: Now we just have to wait

Tsu: for its head to poke out and gasp for air!

Names,Sign: Yoshiwara Vigilante Corps Hyakka (M)

Tsu: I have no need for cowards.

Tsu: If any of you are real men, then come with me!

D: What?

D: All of the surveillance cameras were destroyed?

D: Yes.

D: They were all single blows from a blind spot.

D: None of the cameras have recorded the actual crime.

D: And at the same time, we lost all contact with the outside patrol.

D: It can't be. Nobody could pull that off.

D: Anyway, we cannot ignore this.

D: Wait!

D: The archbishop ordered us not to leave our posts, no matter what!

D: This is an emergency!

D: Now is not the time to be worrying about—

Jyu: Rest assured.

Tsu: We are fellow Dekobokkoists.

Sac: Men must be manly, and women feminine.

Kag: We have come here to remain true to Dekobokkoism's sole doctrine.

All: Behold! We are the men of this planet!

D: Y-You fiends!

Kag: Charge!

Kag: Make them regret turning us into men!

Gin: Uh...

Gin: What's with those guys?

Gin: I mean, even if they were sort of macho girls to begin with...

Gin: They're way too high-spec!

Gin: They're way more manly than we ever were as men!

Gin: They're fixing things so fast, it makes all our troubles up to now seem like a joke!

Gin: They're completely hogging the spotlight!

Hij: Hey, we can't let the women outdo us.

Hij: Don't fall behind!

Hij: Cunsengumi, move out!

Hij: I'll defend this spot to the last.

Hij: Leave the rest to me and go ahead.

Gin: Go where?!

Gin: You think you can sweep it under the rug that easily?!

Gin: Quit clogging up that manhole!

Hij: I-I'm done for.

Hij: I know my body better than anyone.

Hij: Leave me and go!

Gin: You don't!

Gin: That's exactly why you got stuck!

Gin: With you in the way, we'll never get to bask in the spotlight!

Oki: Calm down, Hijikata-san.

Oki: I'll help you outta there.

Oki: "Hee, hee, hoo," got that?

Oki: Together now.

Oki: "Hee, hee, hoo."

Hij: I'm not a pregnant woman, you moron!

Tsuzuku,Sign: To Be Continued

Teach,Sign: Teach Us!! Ginko-sensei

Gin: Teach us...

All: Ginko-sensei!

Gin: All right. It's time for "Teach Us! Ginko-sensei."

Gin: Not "Miss Machiko" or "Watch out! Luna-sensei."

Gin: Don't expect anything like that.

Gin: Pen name "p*stol Girl" has a question for us.

Gin: "Right now, Gin-san, Kyubei, and everyone have swapped genders.

Gin: So I ask, what would Hasegawa-san be like as a woman?

Gin: I know you won't have much time, but please answer."

Gin: Okay.

Gin: We don't have much time, but we'll answer that.

Gin: A gender-swapped Hasegawa-san...

Sign: Goodbye, cruel world.

Mad: Goodbye, cruel world.

Gin: ...would be like that.

Gin: Huh? You want to see his face?

Gin: Fine.

Gin: Just this once.

Mad: Goodbye, cruel world!

Gin: Something like that.

End,Sign: {\fad( , )}The End

Preview,Sign: Preview

Jyu: I...

Jyu: I...

Kyu: - =...

Title: - =

text r: Which gender will Jyubei choose?

text l: Can Tenko escape the manhole?

text r: When will Sugita-san return?

text l: Everything will be answered next week, in the finale of the "Genderbend Arc"!