10x15 - Edu-macating Lucky

[bunniefuu]

Wind, seven miles per hour from the north.

Barometric pressure 29.

73.

Dew point: 64 degrees.

Can't we just listen to music when we wake up? ( groans ) Wait.

What was the dew point again? ( yawns ) ( clinking ) Uhh Morning, Aunt Peggy.

Go home.

( squealing ) Good morning.

Again.

Hope you don't mind.

I crashed on your couch last night.

I was going to sleep on the air mattress, but I fell asleep blowing it up.

Morning, Uncle Hank.

Here you go.

Two dollops of shaving cream I borrowed from you last week.

Keep the baggie as interest.

Uh thanks, Lucky, but you really didn't have to Yes, I did.

It would be against my code of honor to borrow something and not pay it back.

As my grandpappy used to say Perfect.

He's got a grandpappy.

BOBBY: Lucky and I watched a police chase for two hours last night.

He says what you're supposed to do in that situation is run into a mall.

Well, as Lucky says, "I'm outy.

" I am going to snap, Hank.

Lucky never leaves.

Do you know he's having his TV Guide sent here? I know.

And whenever I come home, the TV's always set to the Game Show Network.

I don't even know why it bothers me so much, but it does.

And he's a bad influence on Luanne.

She can do whatever she wants with her life: finish college, open her own salon-- but she is never going to do anything with that loser in the picture.

BOBBY: Hey, is that Lucky on Cops? I can't believe that Luanne is throwing her life away on a guy whose big claim to fame is that he "slipped on pee pee" at the Costco, and got a $53,000 settlement.

And he's pretty much blown through that making his truck shiny.

I don't know.

There's something about that one tooth of his that's kind of sexy.

Don't worry, Peggy Hill.

Lucky won't be around forever.

He got hunting accident written all over him.

Oh, shush! Here he comes.

Ladies, Family Feud's a Dawson, if y'all want to come on in.

Still warm.

Uh-huh.

So Luanne tells me you won four substitute teacher awards.

Three.

It should have been four.

I guess some people are happy to say the same old Pledge of Allegiance for the rest of their lives.

Well, I've been thinking about getting my G.

E.

D.

I was just wondering if you could, you know, tutor me? Ugh! You don't even have a high school education? No, ma'am.

My formal education ended at the ninth grade.

That's when I started smoking.

And they wouldn't let me smoke in school, so Wonderful.

I can't even say it was the wrong choice, since I been smoking ever since.

I'll see if my schedule permits.

If Hank knew you touched his underpants, he'd put you through a wall.

Well, of course I'm not going to tutor him.

Just the thought of being in the same room with him Ugh! Well, Lucky wants to earn his G.

E.

D.

You got to hand it to a guy who wants to better himself.

If someone wants to learn, don't you teachers have some kind of moral obligation? Well, as much as I hate to say it, you're right.

As an educator, I have no choice but to help.

I don't remember if I took an actual oath, but I can't imagine that I didn't.

Morning, all.

Study hard, Lucky.

Whatever you do, don't correct her Spanish.

Okay, let's get started.

My name is Aw, you don't have to write that, Aunt Peggy.

I'll remember your name.

Mrs.

Hill.

I prefer to keep things formal.

( giggling ) Hello, teacher.

Hello, student.

How's my boy doing so far? Maybe we should schedule a girlfriend-teacher conference.

( both laughing ) That's real funny, baby girl.

I'm dating a regular Fozzie Bear.

Aw Escucha me.

We are starting now.

Bye.

Okay, Lucky, the first thing we need to do is work on your reading comprehension skills.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Mark Twain.

Your homework is to read the first 50 pages, which we will discuss tomorrow.

Hope it's okay with you, but I already done that.

Luanne mentioned we were going to read it.

Oh.

I get the feeling that the river ain't just a river.

Like it's supposed to represent something.

Am I way off base here? Let me just refresh myself.

No whammies! No whammies! No whammies! Ugh! Game Show Network.

Yep.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

I got drunk last night, called in to the Jewelry Channel again.

They put me on the air, and I ended up crying.

I bought a ring for Peggy.

Shh! Shh! Shh! Hey, Peggy.

So how's it going with Lucky? Not as bad as I thought it would.

Did you know he'll be the first person in his whole family to get a high school diploma? Well, how about that? I'll bet he gets a job before you know it.

Yeah.

Maybe he'll get a job far away from here like China.

God knows, he loves imitating them.

PEG: Lesson number four: The Civil w*r.

Now If all the soldiers who d*ed at the Battle of Gettysburg were laid end to end, they'd stretch all the way from here to the moon.

LUCKY: Wow! When you see it like this, you really get a sense of the enormity of it all.

Hey, this one here looks like me.

How's that for a Twilight Zone? We'll just call this one the unknown soldier.

No, Aunt Peggy.

I broke it; I gotta buy it.

Lucky, forget it.

No one's ever gonna know.

I'll know.

In my family, we live by a code.

We don't steal, and if we make a promise, we damn well keep it.

That's why I wanna get my G.

E.

D.

And once you get that, you'll be able to get a job anywhere.

You know where the economy's really booming? China! No, Aunt Peggy, I don't want my G.

E.

D.

to get a job.

You don't? No, ma'am.

Getting my high school degree is just a little personal milestone I have to pass.

Once I get that, I'll be good enough.

Good enough for what? Good enough to ask Luanne to marry me.

( snap ) Don't worry, Aunt Peggy.

That one's on me.

HANK: You know, some people like to keep this stuff on for flavor.

We won't be eating at their houses.

Hank, you are not listening to me.

Lucky is planning to marry Luanne! I know you don't think much of Lucky, but to tell you the truth, he's a lot better than some of the guys she's dated.

He's got no prison record, he always pays back shaving cream, and he's, uh he's, uh Well, that's all I can think of, I guess.

You don't understand.

Luanne has so much potential.

But she's not going to get anywhere with that freakin' Really? So you're saying people actually keep this guck on? Oh, yeah.

Personally, I think it's an excuse to be lazy.

A grill is meant The man is an anchor around her neck, Hank! Oh, we're not really talking about the grill.

Did you know he doesn't even plan on getting a job? He just wants the G.

E.

D.

for his stupid code of honor.

Education for education's sake.

What a waste! Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Maybe Lucky won't even pass the test.

Oh, of course, he'll pass the test.

These things are designed so that even a high school dropout can pass them.

Unless I purposely taught him the wrong information.

You know you can't do that, right? I know.

I just wish that loser would So if the guck stays on long enough, will it I'm not an idiot.

I know when you say "guck" you really mean divorce? cr*ck? Condoms.

So, Lucky wants to propose to Luanne.

It's weird, Hank.

I always thought you'd be the next to get married after you left Peggy, of course.

Does this mean Lucky's gonna take my place at Thanksgiving? I know how many folding chairs you have.

Yeah, well, Peggy sure doesn't like Lucky.

But he's really not such a bad guy, when you get right down to it.

KAHN: Oh, yeah.

Lucky just who you want in your gene pool.

Your family going to evolve backwards into fish! ( laughing ) Okay, the square root of 16 is four.

The square root of 25 is five.

Excuse me, Aunt Peggy.

Aw, Baby Doll, you don't need to do that! Yuh-huh! You need to study! Besides, I like cleaning stuff for you.

( grunting ) ( grunting ) ( crying ) ( grunting ) ( groaning ) Lucky, you know how I said the square root of 25 is five? Yes, ma'am.

It's also six.

Really? So a number can have two square roots? That's weird.

Yep.

There are all sorts of weird things in math.

For example, did you know that any number multiplied by itself is zero? There's just so much to remember.

Do you think I can learn all this in time for the big test? I hope so.

Now, two times two? Zero! Very good.

Okay, name the three states of matter.

Solid, liquid, and gel.

Correct! Yeah! Wait a minute, that doesn't sound right.

Ahh, I think it is, Bobby.

It's right here on one of Aunt Peggy's flashcards.

But, Mom, I thought Bobby, fire drill! Come on! Drop and roll! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! ( Bobby grunting ) Good boy! Come on, little man! Yeah, turn it! Pi r squared Now what's the value of pi again? Oh, right.

Stupid idiot.

You just gave away the answer.

Mine! BOBBY: Okay, I know the piece I want.

It should start at the corner, wrap around this rose, then double back to get the "L" from Lucky.

Mom, are you listening? He's here! He's here! I couldn't find a graduation hat, so I glued Dad's Willie Nelson album to the dog bowl.

Eh? Yeah, maybe we should hold off until he opens up his test results.

Oh, and Luanne, why don't you fold that banner up nicely just in case you need to return it.

Hey, everybody, moment of truth is here.

( laughing ) I failed.

What? I don't understand.

Well, that's probably why you failed.

But don't b*at yourself up.

Some things just aren't meant to be.

Well, at least you tried, Lucky.

For a lot of coaches these days, that would be enough.

Hey, Wheel of Fortune is probably on now.

It could be a Woolery.

I know you're sad right now, Lucky, but I think I could tell you something that will cheer you up.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, I think so.

Okay, everybody, I'm pregnant! Hooray! Well, how-dee! You were right, baby girl, that did put a smile on my face.

When did this happen? Did this happen here? It better not have happened here.

Isn't this great?! Now we can start a family and get married.

Whoa, whoa, let's just rip the needle off that record right now.

But I'm not playing a record.

I'll start a family with you, Luanne, even shack up with you, but I made a promise: without my G.

E.

D.

, I ain't good enough to marry you, no way.

I just can't.

( sniffling ) ( sobbing ) I'm gonna be sick, and I don't mean "baby sick.

" Oh, no! Oh, God, I've let us all down! Oh, Lucky! What do you mean you can't marry me? Yeah, what do you mean you can't marry her? Bobby, get Mommy a cold towel and a bourbon.

Luanne, you know I've wanted to marry you ever since I first set eyes on you, but I had to prove that I was worthy, which means having a high school diploma under my arm.

Heck, I always thought I'd say my vows wearing one of them black judge robes and a flat hat.

I don't care if you wear Bobby's dog bowl hat and my bathrobe, you're going to marry her.

I know that at times it can be hard to wrap your head around the code, but trust me, it's all for the best.

( crying ) This is ridiculous.

Maybe Lucky has a point.

Huh? I know it's not how we did it, but plenty of people have kids without being married these days.

You know, keeps things casual.

Casual?! Thanks for being my teacher, Aunt Peggy.

I wish I was a better student.

How could you not want them married? They want to be together.

Look, Hank, it's going to be hard enough for Luanne to reach her potential while caring for a baby.

She does not need Lucky weighing her down, too.

Weighing her down?! Look, I don't think having Lucky around as a husband and father is going to hurt Luanne's chances to become an astronaut or a brain surgeon.

We just need to make the best of a bad situation and help those two get married.

Damn it, Bobby, where's Mommy's bourbon?! Hey, maybe they'll name the baby Dennis after where he was conceived-- your den.

Shut up, Dale.

So when's the wedding, Hank? Is it before or after the baby shower? There's, uh, not going to be a wedding.

Lucky won't marry Luanne.

It's got something to do with his weird code of honor.

And you bought that? Well, according to my code of honor, I can't return the jigsaw I borrowed from you.

Yes, I broke into your garage.

That's part of my code, too.

What kind of code of honor makes you return a baggie of shaving cream but won't let you marry a girl you got pregnant? I recognize that walk.

Somewhere there's an ass that's about to be kicked.

Well, at least I won't need to buy shoes.

The baby can wear mine.

My mama was smart enough to dip 'em in bronze so they'd keep.

Oh, sug, your little one is not going to be walking around in metal shoes.

We're going to throw you a big 'ol baby shower.

Make sure you get everything you need.

Really? Yes, and you'll fall in love again.

Single mothers are very popular on the dating circuit.

As a matter of fact, Us magazine says that babies have replaced those little portable rat dogs as the newest fashion accessory.

Yeah, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

Fish with jobs, fish who won't bail when they knock you up.

But I don't want another fish.

I want Lucky.

Even though Lucky is his name, I always considered myself to be the lucky one.

Whenever we went to the mall and someone would yell, "Hey, Lucky!" we'd both turn around.

Luanne, I'm sorry.

Sug, you have nothing to be sorry for.

You tried to tutor that boy, but there's just some things a monkey cannot learn.

Thanks for trying, Aunt Peggy.

I know you did everything you could.

I say you're going to marry her.

And I say I ain't good enough.

And I say yes, you are.

You do?! I'm not going to lie to you, Lucky, even though I've lied to you before.

( sighs ) I have never been thrilled with you dating my niece.

I did not think you could help her reach her potential, but all I really want is for her to be happy.

I want you to marry Luanne.

No, it's just not I know, I know, your family's freakin' code of honor.

Maybe this will change your mind.

I intentionally made you fail that test.

You did what?! Yeah, yeah, I was wrong.

I get it.

Lucky, I sabotaged you.

You would've passed if it weren't for me.

Probably by the skin of your broken little teeth, but you would have passed.

I don't believe you.

Your code of honor wouldn't allow it.

Code of honor? I don't have a code of honor.

Who the hell has a code of honor?! I have a code of honor.

I wish there was some way around this, but there ain't.

God knows I wish there was, but a man that breaks his code is no kind of man.

Wait.

Now, you said you would have been the first person in your family to graduate high school, right? True.

Well, then how did any of them get married if they all had this family code of honor.

Oh, a high school education wasn't part of their code.

My father said he wouldn't marry till he became the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world.

Your dad was the heavyweight champion of the world? No, he could never make the weight or take a punch to the jaw.

And my grandpappy said he wouldn't marry till he spoke perfect French.

I'm guessing grandpappy never got past "Bonjour.

" Nope.

Then how the heck did any of them get married? Uh, Hank, I think what we're looking at is the last of a long line of bastards.

Oh, they all got married, but those were all shotgun weddings.

So they didn't have a choice in the matter.

( doorbell rings ) Luanne Leeanne Platter would you make me the happiest man in the Hold on.

Is that g*n cocked? It's got to be cocked.

I'm not going to cock it.

Okay, I'm in no position to make demands.

Luanne I'd like you to be my bride.

Oh, Lucky, yes, yes, yes! ( all cheering ) Ya-hoo! Just a second.

Uncle Hank, now you got to kick me in the ribs.

Come on.

This is ridiculous.

I said I'd hold the g*n, but Welcome to the family, Lucky.

Ooh! MAN: No whammies! No whammies! No whammies!