12x08 - Mission: Difficult

[bunniefuu]

Look, I don't want to hurt Archer.

- Oh.

- Oh, thank God.

- But I will.

- God damn it.

Every hour on the hour.

That's company policy,

and I am a stickler.

A stickler? Is that like

the one up your ass-ler?

- Didn't quite get there.

- It's simple, really:

give me the memory stick

or Archer dies.

Damn.

Should've saved

the stick thing for that one.

Look, we obviously

want Archer back, but we

- We'll do it.

- But where is Ms. Archer?

- I'd like confirmation from her.

- She's distraught,

but she deputized me to

make decisions on her behalf.

- Wait, Malory never

- And one of those decisions is shut up.

And just for a bit

of added incentive, know

I'll be b*ating Archer until

the exchange takes place.

Ta, then.

So that's it?

We're really gonna give him

the blueprints to an energy source

that could k*ll a billion

people if he weaponized it?

- And why exactly are you here?

- She's here to assess

the environmental impact

of that gadget.

So the detonation

of a nuclear fusion w*apon,

- that would be bad?

- Well, yes.

If only you'd gotten here sooner.

- Where in the world is Malory anyway?

- Oh. So we have to reveal

every part of our intricate plan

- so you can blab it everywhere?

- We don't know.

Can we please coordinate

lies in advance?

I'm flailing out here like

a one-armed milker on meth.

Pardon our dust. Moving in.

Expand or die you know,

although the second is

really your only option here.

Hey, I'm handcuffed and

he just threatened to k*ll me.

Maybe you could,

I don't know, call the police.

I-I get it, don't wanna

jeopardize this lucrative job

of picking stuff up

and later putting it back down.

- Check your privilege.

- I'll never do that and you know it.

Welcome to your accommodations.

I trust you'll be comfortable

for four seconds.

Which are over.

That would sound a lot more sinister if

you weren't standing next

to a giant tub of jelly beans.

It's like if "Charlie

and the Chocolate Factory"

were exactly as creepy

as it currently is.

Hey, bud. What'd the five

fingers say to Archer?

- Uh, nice to see you?

- No, they didn't say that.

They don't have mouths.

Man, this doesn't seem fair, does it?

Hey, Other Barry,

could I talk to Barry?

Sure. You mind if I just

keep laying 'em in here?

- Yes.

- I thought so.

Hey, bud. Barry here.

Fabian tried to hack

my central processor

and I guess he kind

of unleashed Other Barry.

And, man,

does Other Barry not like you.

I really do consider you one of

my best friends despite all this.

Yeah, I'd cry if I had access

to my tear ducts right now,

but I got no control, bud.

Other Barry is running the show.

Don't worry,

I'll do it for both of us.

- And again, I couldn't be sorrier about all this.

- You could try.

- See you in and hour, then.

- Oh, you will.

And I've got everything

I need right here.

Also, I'm probably severely concussed

which is why I'm talking to myself.

Right, Archer?

Right, other Archer.

No, no, no.

Let's not start that sh*t.

So what is the maximum mass

of a star

- that will not go supernova?

- Uh ooh, Estelle Getty.

I got a good feeling

about that one.

This is so much better

than watching my a ocelot

- eat endangered birds.

- So how's this going?

- Oh, about like you'd expect.

- Next question.

- Who is your favorite Golden Girl?

- Uh, Chandradeskar limit.

That isn't wait a second.

Look, we need

to figure out where Archer is

and I don't think this is helping.

Isn't there anything in Singapore that

you picked up other than gonorrhea?

Ugh, poor people disease.

I'm strictly spirochetes.

Wait. Colt, didn't

we find, like, a thing

- in your old apartment?

- Oh, yeah.

- I meant to analyze this.

- But you were too busy

exploring the golden age of television?

Oh, so I'm supposed to keep

track of everything

I'm supposed to be doing?

Yeah,

that makes a lot of sense.

If I apply power,

I should be able to get

a handle on what it does.

Ah!

- Come on.

- Jesus. Did we just contact the monolith?

That was a radio signal!

I'll try to trace it.

It's a back door

into the IIA mainframe.

I think I built the mainframe.

Hey, guys, I think it's possible

I wasn't a very good person.

Well, what's important is

that you're a good guy now.

And all it took was

destroying 8% of your brain.

- Thank you. Wait, what?

- Oh, did I not tell you that?

Yeah. It's like

Gone. Totally destroyed.

Well, lookee here.

You running, squirrel meat?

No, just heading

to lunch with all the stuff

I ever brought here.

Fine, I was leaving.

Since we're about to be

responsible for the apocalypse,

if I leave now, maybe I won't

end up in a bone cage

where I'm slowly

revenge-eaten by mutants.

Okay, weirdo.

That's why I'm staying.

No, Ray, we need you.

- You were an employee of IIA.

- I'm temp to perm!

This is just HR talking here,

but I know that that would

give you limited access

to their system and a general

sense of how it's structured.

Dukes.

Damn your HR acumen.

- So what's the plan here?

- We go get Archer.

That's the plan?

Yeah. I mean, a frontal

as*ault on an IIA compound?

I don't know.

They seem pretty good.

I mean, sure, we're gonna kick

their asses, but, like, are we?

So, what?

A sternly worded letter?

I got my pen, and it's

mightier than a sword

- full of word poison.

- Look at you, about to roll over

to these boring overlords.

Where's your self-respect?!

You used to be the best

in the world at this!

Jesus, neck bones is right.

- God damn it, I am in.

- Let's do this.

Wait, you guys,

I was being sarcastic.

You all suck and you always have.

Note to self: work on voice tone.

Invisible tape recorder off. Boop.

Oh, come on, we're

playing hide and seek now?

Red Rover, red Rover, let Archer

sh*t, wait,

that's the wrong game.

So, uh, this was the plan, bud?

The coffee pot

was to breach your exterior,

the staples were to, um, uh,

jam your gears.

Jam my gears?

I have frictionless bearings.

I'm a wonder of modern technology,

- not a freaking cuckoo clock. Come on.

- Okay, I get it.

Think I'd go through

the trouble of making myself

a death robot whose only

weakness is office supplies?

Fine. You don't have

to be a d*ck about it.

I wanted to make a blender

glove but that stuff wasn't here.

Then I got distracted

by the jelly beans.

Blender glove.

All right. That might have been cool.

- Okay.

- Barry, are you in there?

- Hey, bud.

- Can you talk to Other Barry, here?

Uh, sure thing. Hey, Other Barry,

uh, why do you wanna do this?

I have a really great answer to that,

- and it's "shut up."

- Classic avoidance.

Afraid of what

you might find, Other Barry?

You had sex with my fiancée

and dropped me

from a building. Twice.

Which made me into this.

A mechanical demigod?

Come on, man.

We experience sex

in eight dimensions now.

Wow, you do? Maybe you

should drop me off a building.

Oh, I'm planning on it.

Would you stop throwing boxes?

It's really annoying.

Other Barry, you're not a person.

You're the rage I felt at Archer.

I pushed you deep down

into my meta programming.

- Wait, really?

- You're the part of me I tried to get rid of.

Well, I'm still here.

Okay, Archer?

- Barry, heal thyself.

- Seriously, shut up.

Archer!

Ring around the rosies ♪

Damn it, that's not it either.

Archer, he's coming.

You probably know that,

but, honestly, it feels weird

and helpless

to ride around on a psychopath,

so I'm just saying stuff

to feel alive.

- You again? I was about to get away.

- Eh, I think he had you.

Uh, might wanna try behind him.

Man, I like this guy.

Oh, come on.

What kind of world would it be

if every person

I insulted made my life worse?

I don't know, a better one.

- Ow.

- And that's lunch.

See you in an hour, champ.

Great, now I landed on my keys.

Wait, I don't have keys on me.

How did I

That mover slipped it into my pocket.

I take back everything I said about you!

Well, I take back 60% of what

I said. No need to overreact.

We'll do the exchange.

Just don't hurt him anymore.

Remember, this is

a non-lethal mission.

- Wait, for real?

- I want them alive to relive the pain

we're about to inflict on them

over and over again.

There's my girl.

- And we're go.

- Nice. Extensive bathroom coverage.

Just two peas in a pervert pod.

- Hey, I'm working on one of those.

- Okay. We can all agree

I look banging in this, but how

are we gonna get in this place?

They've got at least two guards

at every entrance.

Right. But now

that we're in their system,

I'll just leave a couple negative

performance reviews and

I appreciate the creativity,

- but won't that take

- Suspended.

Trust me, this place

is more uptight

than a preacher's wife at an orgy.

- And you liked working there?

- They had great snacks.

- At the orgy?

- See, that right there

makes me wonder

why I'm taking her inside.

Hey, I have extensive

training in not anything.

So wait, same question.

You need to go

in there and sow chaos.

I want that place looking like

an escaped tiger hit Mardi Gras.

- Everything has led me to this.

- Uh, where were you carrying that?

- Cyril and I are gonna go get Archer.

- Here you go,

these should get

you through the building.

And if they don't, my bad.

Has anybody heard

from Ms. Archer at all?

Kind of seems like

she'd wanna be a part of this.

Hey. Yeah.

Where is Ms. Archer?

No. Nothing. No way.

I mean, it's just weird how not

at all I've heard from her.

Something you'd like

to share with the class, Pam?

- Uh, no.

- There's not a secret

- you want tell 'cause it's so secret?

- I I

Fine! Fine! I'll tell you.

I've been thinking about getting bangs.

It feels

so good to let out.

- Nice cover.

- Whew, that was close, huh?

Oh, come on.

Hey, hold up.

I'm fired? Oh, my God,

what am I gonna tell my wife?

Susan's gonna leave me.

- Damn it, Archer.

- Hey, g*ng.

Yeah, it still works like that.

Thanks for checking, though.

- Oh, hey.

- Oh, hey.

So I managed to escape

right when you guys were

running a rescue mission

and now everyone is inside

- with a schizo death cyborg?

- Uh yes?

- How is your timing so bad?

- Well, one could argue that your

Shut up.

Gimme a Tactile Cane

- and everything else you have in the van.

- Everything?

Who knows what

we'll need to take down Barry?

Mind-melt helmet,

the shock paddles, everything.

You mean, like,

everything-everything?

Well, we don't need

the stuff you use

to, like, circle jerk with ghosts.

Well, to be fair, that stuff is mine.

If they're sticky, that's

ectoplasm and nothing else.

- We've gotta get out of here.

- No, we need to find Archer first.

Hey, just for, like, your FYI,

Archer actually made it out

on his own.

Don't worry, he's on his

way back in to get you guys out.

What? So the same

thing can happen again?

Eesh, I hope not.

That would suck.

Especially 'cause the

building's on fire.

What the hell?

Did you drug all those people?

No. I just put angel dust

in one of the water coolers.

They drank that water

out of their own free choicing.

Not what "free choice" means.

Okay. Maybe more running.

I suppose I'm looking

for a reason my guards

are leaving and the rest

of my employees

are stark raving bonkers.

Well, I'd like to state for the record

that you are not

a golden being of light,

but are in fact

fired.

So are you here to find Archer

or sh**t me?

Because I actually have

a preference on that.

Both.

- Freeze!

- Don't move.

I was this close to feeling regret.

Would've been a first for me.

- Incidentally, why are you dressed like that?

- Isn't it obvious?

Guess the old gal's still got it.

Damn it. You weren't

supposed to set fire

- to the whole building.

- No one said that!

At least it's sexier now.

- That's not a song.

- Come on, guys.

You can b*at him.

Use what's around you.

Will you shut up?

Archer already tried that,

and it was ah, ah!

These are delicate optical sensors.

Do you have any idea

how much these cost?

- More than your head?

- Do what now?

Now, I go into your mind

and take you apart

from the inside.

Hit it, Krieger.

Yeah. My skull is shielded.

But I have to know,

what exactly did you

think would happen?

I thought I'd maybe

go inside your mind

and there'd be a Barry

and a separate Other Barry.

- And?

- And Other Barry

would be some kind of

Gigeresque monstrosity,

and then Barry and I

would defeat Other Barry

in some kind

of metaphorical combat

which would forever

extinguish Other Barry.

- And?

- Barry and I would be friends again.

God, what happened to you?

I'll tell you what happened:

friendship.

Whatever.

Now that's what I call

- Mother?

- Well, don't just stand there,

idiots, do something!

Archer, I can do a hard

reboot from inside here,

but you have to stun me.

- Just do it.

- But you'll die.

Nothing can change that now.

N-Now, Krieger.

Thanks, bud.

Hard reboot now.

- You saved my life, Barry.

- No, you saved mine.

Um, how?

I don't know.

Just felt right to say.

Good good night,

sweet me.

- No!

- Wait, that shock

brought some things back.

I built the IIA system

and I know how to take down

the entire company.

All we gotta do is

You betrayed me.

You were like a brother to me.

- I-I was?

- Oh, that's unsatisfying.

You guys get out.

I'll take Fabian.

Just make sure Mother is safe.

Oh, I guess she already

left at some point. Right.

- Gotta hang on, man.

- No, this is it. Just promise me.

- Anything. What?

- Do more science.

Just really weird, f*cked up sh*t.

Stuff where even you're like,

"Man, I shouldn't have done that."

- Do that.

- I will.

Thank you

for being a friend.

Um, hate to interrupt,

but let's get out of here.

Not getting away that easy.

You know,

that cane is appropriate.

You're old.

Your time has passed.

The modern world has no used

for your little spy boutique.

You might as well be

selling buggy whips.

Yeah. Maybe I should

sell teeth instead.

Why would you sell

- And we have a buyer.

- Right.

Now, let's try that again.

The almighty Archer,

barely a shadow of your former self.

- You know, I should thank you.

- This ought to be good.

I hate you so much,

I think I just realized

I don't need my cane anymore.

God, I hate this hallway.

Thanks for creating

an escape route for me.

I guess you have a choice:

try to come after me

or drag your friend out of here.

Ta-ta.

- You again?

- So it would appear.

Why did you help me

even after I'd insulted you?

Why else are we here?

Wow. I need to hang

out with more movers.

Robert.

How did it go?

I'm on tenterhooks, here.

Well, we got Archer back

and b*rned down a building.

Ah, good.

And the memory stick?

We'll figure it out in the morning.

We were too tired to deal with it.

You know, I find it odd

that an environmentalist

would have the shower

going while he's in bed.

And also

okay, you are naked.

Lana, I know what it looks like

and that's exactly what it is.

- I understand it's awkward.

- Awkward?

That word seems to trigger you.

Was I wrong in assuming

we had evolved

- into a de facto open marriage?

- Why would you assume that?

- Wait, did you talk to Archer?

- Yes. We had a conversation.

That chatty,

soon-to-be-dead man.

Look, what happened to Japan

is not even close to this.

- Wait, what happened in Japan?

- It was

is that

not what we're talking about?

I was talking with him

when you got

- that bartender's phone number.

- It was a receipt.

And that was enough

for you to cheat on me?

- And what about Japan?

- You didn't even know about that.

This is about you being so

jealous over a phone number

- I mean, a receipt!

- So you thought it was a phone number?

- I knew it.

- I almost d*ed today, okay?

- Like, a lot.

- Well, we didn't know that

because you cut us

out of the whole thing.

Wait a minute, who's "us"?

Ugh, I got tired

of waiting in the bathroom.

Yep. I'm out.

Stupid bouncer.

Maybe you have

unprocessed trauma

that you're expressing as hostility.

And, by the way, when

did bouncers get so insightful?

Huh?

- Should we wait for mother, Pam?

- Don't look at me,

she just told me to

coordinate the rescue with her.

She didn't wanna tell you

guys because she thought

you'd blab and blow

her element of surprise.

And she told you? A woman

whose loose lips have sunk

so many ships they should be named

Admiral Nelson

and concept of torpedoes?

Well, pardon me for

experiencing emotional growth,

- you d*ck.

- I guess we start without her.

So now that we're all rested,

ideas for the memory stick?

Really? Nothing?

So we slept on it

for no discernible reason?

Well, not no discernible reason.

I think you can all relax.

Robert, I don't think

another infusion of cash

is going to make a difference.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm done burning money.

I sold the agency

to a well-funded equity group,

United Money Partners.

You could destroy the chip

and stay afloat.

United Money Partners, LLC.

Looks like that's owned

by a General Business, Inc.,

which is actually a shell

company owned by YYZ.

- Zed.

- Which is in turn owned

- by a majority stakeholder named

- Fabian Kingsworth.

I was just so impressed

with your initiative,

grit, and improvisation last night,

I knew that IIA had to acquire you.

- Yes!

- Really?

They have great snacks.

Archer, I hate to use

the term "fun fact,"

but did you know that

as part of a tax dodge,

your apartment and everything

in it is property of the agency

and therefore mine?

And so is that memory stick.

- Not so fast.

- Oh, what now?

Yeah. Curious where

you're going with this.

There's one thing

you fail to understand, Fabian,

and when I reveal it,

you will realize that you have

- been taken for a fool.

- And what's that, Archer?

So what kinda snacks

are we talking about?

Hey. I-I don't think

you wanna do that.

No, let 'em.

Give me that.

"My dearest Sterling,

do you remember what I told you

on your first day of training?

You probably don't, but it was,

'Always know where the exits are.'

And with all the chaos

and confusion of late,

I thought it would be wise

to make my own exit

in my own time,

on my own terms and in a way

that I can never be found

by my enemies

or all my lovesick paramours,

who are literally countless."

Ugh.

"And so I've decided

that it's time to pass the torch.

Try not to burn yourselves with it."

What? It relaxes me.

"And I know my decision

may seem abrupt,

but we don't always get

to choose the perfect moment.

Take care of yourselves,

and especially you,

my Sterling,

because from wherever I am,

I'll be watching over you.

Love, Mother."

If I see this glass empty again,

I will be very unhappy.

- And how is my lady love?

- Infinitely better now.