17x13 - The Fast and the Spurious

[bunniefuu]

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- Another Oktoberfest in the books.

Now how're we getting home?

Steve doesn't have a license,
I'm hammered, Francine's wasted,

and Hayley's way too drunk to drive.

How can you tell?

Because when you abuse alcohol,
I like you more as a person.

I can drive!

I stayed sober all night

just so I could be
the designated driver.

What... What about Jeff?

He can't, remember?

He shattered his legs
in the beer stein race.

Oh, God! My legs!

Gross! Get out of here!

Come on, Stan! Throw me the keys!

Absolutely not.

- What's the problem?
- I already texted Klaus.

He'll get us home safe.

You guys want Klaus to
drive instead of me?

Heck yeah we [BURPING] doooo.

[CLANGING]

Klaus in the house!

More like Klaus in the truck! [LAUGHS]

Hop in!

Will you please take me to the ER?

No way. I'm not wasting my buzz

sitting around an emergmancy rohm.

But the hospital's on the way home!

I could've skipped the
hospital just as well as Klaus!

- [SCREAMS]
- Oh, please.

Legs heal, but there's no greater pain

than staying sober
all night for nothing.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

I can't believe none of you
would let me drive last night.

I was so upset I had
to journal about it,

and that's when I realized none of you

have gotten in a car with
me for the past six months!

- Why not?
- Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

You're the worst driver in the world.

Hayley, please.

You know how much I love
pointing out Roger's flaws,

but it's best we leave
this to a professional.

That's why I scheduled an appointment

with our insurance adjustor.

You think I need my insurance adjusted?

Well, I think you need
your attitude adjusted!

[SOBBING]

TOGETHER:
Insurance adjustor Heinrich Brown?!

Please, come in.
I'll make some room for you.

- [CRASH]
- JEFF: Oh, God! My arms!

Thank you, Stan.

I'm here to explain the
reasons Uncle Roger is a thr*at

to everything I hold dear
as an insurance adjustor.

To do so,
I'll be using a form of street poetry

colloquially known as "rap."

[RAP MUSIC PLAYS]

[RAPPING] ♪ Get up, unh, unh ♪

♪ My name is Heinrich
Brown and I'm here to say ♪

♪ Uncle Roger drives
in a terrible way ♪

♪ Behind the wheel, he's negligent ♪

I'm sorry, I just... can't.

[RECORD SCRATCHES]

This hardened exterior is a lie.

I only pretend to be tough
because working in insurance

requires a lot of machismo.

But I need to be honest with myself.

I don't want to rap.

I want to...

♪ Sing ♪

[R&B MUSIC PLAYS]

Uncle Roger, frankly,

there should be a hall of
fame for all your accidents.

I heard they were building one
and you drove right through it.

I guess the only thing left to say is...

Alright, here we go! Full singing!

♪ Roger, you know ♪

♪ That you don't
belong on the road ♪

♪ But you can't let go ♪

♪ It's so apropos ♪

♪ That we're increasing ♪

♪ Your deductible ♪

I told you I saw a bunch
of people in the basement.

I still don't believe you.

♪ No, you don't belong on the road ♪

♪ But you can't let go ♪

♪ Every single day ♪

♪ You cause Stan to crash ♪

♪ Into a flagpoooooole ♪

♪ Oh, he is crashing ♪

♪ He's going down, down, down ♪

♪ Roger, you know that you
don't belong on the road ♪

♪ Somehow he walks away every time ♪

♪ But you can't let go ♪

This song hurts my feelings,
which sucks,

because its already stuck in my head.

What a fabulous concert. Is this free?

It feels free because it's bundled

with your insurance plan.

Free! Free! Free!

♪♪

ROGER: Dear Journal,
I hope I can trust you

in the way no one trusts me,
which is a lot!

I'm still upset no one in
this family will let me drive.

Roger, I know this is
a great chance for a joke,

but I want to get straight to it...

I'm willing to give you driving lessons.

Hmm.

I guess I'd get to
drive your sick truck.

Yes. But you have to
be extremely careful.

My truck is a highly
specific shade of orange

that's been proven to
cause epileptic seizures,

so they don't make parts for it anymore.

If you're going to earn
the family's trust back,

you're going to have to
show them you can focus

- while you're driving...
- Hey, look!

A sign!

- _
- He's still allowed to adopt?!

[LAUGHS]

Roger, goddammit, watch the road!

I can laugh and watch the...

[GASPS]

Whee!

You crashed my perfect truck
into that hideous Tesla!

Hmm... Tesla...

You better have good insurance, pal.

Oh, God, the orange of your truck

is so highly spec...

[SPUTTERING]

Tesla...

Tesla...

♪♪

Roger, why did you invite us to SoSo's?

Yeah, this place sucks.

It smells like cheap marinara
and unpaid child support.

And the food...

it tastes...

I wanna say... bad?

Okay, you guys need to stop

sh1tting on SoSo's.

Alright?
This is a perfectly fine restaurant

for families on a budget.

Then why don't you eat some?

What?! No! I don't wanna die!

Speaking of not dying,
I am finally willing to accept

that none of you want me to drive.

Thank you, Roger.

We appreciate you respecting our wishes.

Sorry, you didn't let me finish.

I'm willing to accept that none of you

want me to drive on Earth!

[ENGINE HUMMING]

[SCREAMS]

[ALL GASP]

[SCREAMING]

Wow! I've heard about five-star dining,

but this is ridiculous!

Looks like at SoSo's,
it's not just the savings

that are out of this world!

No, no, I should take this seriously.

After all, there's a certain
gravity to this situation!

We have fun.

Roger, what the hell is going on?!

That's a fair question.

See, SoSo's Pizzas are alien spaceships

placed throughout America

in preparation for The Reckoning,

which is when an obscure alien
race will destroy humanity

if they ever stop making
"Law & Order: SVU."

[DRAMATIC STING]

Everyone and their grandma
knows about The Reckoning.

We wanna know what's going
on with us being in space!

Well, earlier,
through no fault of my own,

I crashed Klaus's truck into a Tesla.

That's when I remembered
Tesla put a car in space.

And now that's where we are. Space!

But why?!

Because driving in space is way harder

than driving on land.

Up here, even the slightest mistake

will get us all k*lled.

So if I can do this,

you'll have no choice but to trust me

behind the wheel of a car.

That's your plan to
get us to trust you?!

Yup. It was this

or completely changing my personality

and earning it over
the next to years.

So you can see how space
makes a lot more sense for me.

♪♪

I've got news! The local SoSo's Pizza

was obliterated in what people

who might not even have been there

are calling a freak gas expl*si*n.

No!

My babe and babe-in-laws
were at that SoSo's!

[WAILING]

You lost your wife, I lost my truck.

Could today get any worse?

Hey, fish!
I heard about your dead family

and totaled car.
I'm sorry you're feeling down,

but your premiums are going up!

[BOTH SOBBING]

Okay, gonna keep it real simple.

Just a few quick maneuvers,
then it's right back to Earth.

[BEEPING]

Ta-dah!

Watch out! Tesla!

Did you just get into a car accident...

in space?

And is it just me,

or are we drifting further and further

from our sweet Mother Gaia?

Not to worry, this is a perfect excuse

to show off my most impressive

and unnecessary space maneuver.

It's called a Planetary Slingshot,

- and it's when...
- You use the gravitational pull

of a planet to accelerate,
or "slingshot",

your spacecraft towards
your destination.

The math checks out.

FYI, you absolutely
cannot look at the sun.

Looking directly into
the sun at this proximity

causes Sun Madness.

- Francine?
- That's right.

And once you go Sun Mad,

you'll become so infatuated
by that big ball of gas

that you'll do anything
to burn up inside her.

Including foreplay.

Take us home, Venus!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Screwed the pooch on that one.

But if at first you don't succeed!

Come onnnnn, Mercury!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Welp, third time's the charm.

But there's only two planets
between Earth and the sun!

Nuh-uh! What about that one?

STAN: That's no planet.

It's a pepperoni!

Bad. So bad.

No big deal. I can turn around
and fly home without a problem.

- [CHIMING]
- With one problem.

We're running low on fuel.

But we can still get back, right?

Oh, please let me do the math.

It's like I'm living
in my own word problem.

Let's see... ship of this size...

account for the distance...

Good news, family!

If we continue at this speed,

we should have enough
fuel to get home in...

seven years?!

What the hell, Roger?
Your driving has ruined our lives!

All you've proven is that we were right

not to trust you behind the wheel.

Maybe we shouldn't trust you at all.

Fine! I'm gonna go journal,
and you better believe

this next entry will be scathing!

[SOBBING]

JEFF: Oh, God.

I would do anything
to not feel this sad.

Well, research shows,
and I don't want to do this,

but when two grief-stricken adults

lose everything but each other,

they heal their pain through boinking.

That's just science,
ergo my scientific term "boinking"

instead of, you know, sex.

Uh... No offense, Mr. Klaus,

but I really don't
wanna get on the train

to Boinksville with you.

Me neither.

Let's hold out as long as we can.

I spy with my little
eye something that is...

I know! Is it a star?!

This is gonna be a long seven years.

It's like a star,
but it's more like a pizzeria

and it's headed straight toward us.

♪♪

ROGER: It's docking.

Someone, or some thing,
is trying to come aboard.

[HISSING]

[BEEPING, BUZZER]

Hey, g*ng! It's me, Roger!

No, I'm Roger.

We're both Roger!

Only difference is...
I'm from the future.

[ALL GASP]

And my space tan makes
me a teensy bit sexier.

[GASPS]

So you're me, but from the future?

Aww. Hard to believe
I was ever that naive.

But yes, you little cherub, I am.

How far into the future?

Three. Whole. Days.

That's not far, but still unusual.

How did you travel back to us?

I popped through a little wormhole.

- That's impossible.
- If you suck at driving it is.

Ha! He got you, Roger!

Hey, um... Where's the future us?

They d*ed a couple days ago.

I'm still a little sad about it.

Aw, that's terrible.
Please let us know...

Wait a minute! Do you mean us?

That's what I came
back to warn you about.

If you stick with your plan

to get back to Earth
the slow way, you die.

- [BOTH GASP]
- BOTH: Eep!

Your only chance of getting home

is to slingshot the sun.

Slingshotting? Sounds promising.

You're just gonna trust this guy?

Look, young blood,
you're the one who got us in this mess.

I'm trying to get us out of it.

That settles it.

Future Roger's gonna
slingshot us around the sun.

Great! I like Future Roger.

He's got a weathered look

that gives me "wise cowboy" vibes.

Mighty kind of you, little lady.

It feels great to have everyone's trust.

You'll just have to trust me on that.

Want your diary, buddy?

It's not a diary, it's a journal!

Like an explorer has!

I'm exploring my inner thoughts!

[SOBBING] Ah!

Wait a second,
this entry is dated three days from now.

This is Future Me's journal!

FUTURE ROGER: Dear Journal,
some good news for a change.

I've fallen in love,
and you'll never guess who with!

Her name is The Sun,
and I long to die inside her.

Alas, my family
doesn't understand my love.

By the time we settled our differences,

we'd been flying in circles so long

that the ship was almost
completely out of fuel.

But if my calculations are correct,

I should have just enough fuel
to get to a nearby wormhole

and travel back in time.

Then, I'll be able to
take the Past Smiths' ship

and fly us all right into the sun!

Holy crap!

Future Me's gone totally Sun Mad!

And now the only one who
can stop me is Now Me!

Soon, my sweet.

Soon.

Hey, there, whippersnapper.
Whatcha been up to?

Oh, nothing.

Just catching up on some light reading.

My journal!

I suppose that means you know
the sun and I are lovers.

That ol' flooze?

Buddy of mine raw dogged her in Cancún.

Said he caught a wicked
case of melanoma.

Oh, sure. Slut shame the sun.

Real mature.

And so what? We all have a past.

Oh, a past?

Is that why she still
wakes up every morning

and gives it to an entire hemisphere?

[GASPS] Take that back!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Aah!

[BEEPING, BUZZER]

Oh, shitballs.

Rogers! What's going on here?

Oh, Stan, it was awful!

I was preparing for our slingshot

when he detached my ship and
threw my journal into space!

Roger, how could you?

You know how important that
journal is to yourself.

It was him! He's trying to k*ll us!

He has Sun Madness!
You gotta believe me!

No, I don't.

If I couldn't trust you before,

there's certainly no reason
for me to trust you now.

Come on, Future Roger.
Let's get you out of here.

It's all a ruse!

He's selfish and manipulative

and he cares more about
getting what he wants

than he does about this
family's safety and... ohhhhhh.

This is what it's like for
the family all the time.

I get it now.

Wow, when will I stop growing?

- Roger.
- Roger.

I took the liberty of
upgrading your seatbelts.

- Good looking out.
- We can always count on you.

Now that you're restrained,

I should probably mention
that I have Sun Madness.

Completely addicted to the sun.

But don't worry, I'm working
through a twelve-step program,

and the first step is
admitting I have a problem.

The second step?
Flying directly into the sun!

[LAUGHS EVILLY]

Why isn't it working?

I knew you'd try something like this,

which is why I sabotaged
your accelerator.

It's also why I rewired
the emergency eject button

to be over here.

Goodbye, Roger.

I'm three days older than you.

You think I didn't see this coming?

I knew you'd try to sabotage me,

which is why I put the real
eject button over here!

You must be getting
slow in your old age,

because I knew you'd know
that I'd deceive you,

which is why I put the real
eject button over here!

You didn't think I'd know
you knew I knew you'd know?

The real eject button is over here!

Would you k*ll each other already?!

You're a worthy opponent,

but there's one thing
you didn't count on.

The truth!

That's right, this whole time

the real emergency
eject button has been...

the emergency eject button!

Well played, but it's not over yet.

Good luck trying to push a
button without any hands!

[GASPS]

You jagoffs got confused
by the temporal paradox.

You're future him,
so when you cut off your hands...

I'm only cutting off my own hands!

Which gives me the upper hand.

Aaaaah!

Joke's on you.

I'm headed right into the
fiery arms of my beloved!

Aah!

Noooooo!

I'm stuck in perfect orbit!

But if I can't be inside you,

at least I can pleasure
myself to your presence.

Oh, God! No hands!

Roger, you saved us from yourself.

Maybe, but if I want you to trust me,

I have to be honest with you.

And the big truth is, I can't drive.

[CREAKING]

We've entered the sun's
gravitational field!

Our only way out is to
pull off a slingshot!

What do you say, Roger?

Can we trust you with our
lives twice in one hour?

- I don't know...
- You can do this, Roger!

We believe in you!

Personally I think this family's
a little too quick to forgive.

You're right.

With your trust behind me,
I can do anything.

♪♪

[ENGINE WHIRRING]

♪♪

It's so hot! We're too close!

Wait for it...

She's falling apart!

Almost there...

[ALL SCREAMING]

Now!

Whee!

FRANCINE: Great job, Roger!

HAYLEY: You did it!

STEVE: What a slingshot!

Does this mean I'm driving
to Oktoberfest next year?

STAN: Only if you don't drink.

Ech. Never mind.

I'm still sad my whole family's dead.

I'm still sad about my truck.

I give in!

Me too!

Let's heal! Let's heal!

♪ Oh, he's grieving ♪

♪ Grieving ♪

♪ On that right now
train to Boinksville ♪

♪ Grieving on that right
now train to Boinksville ♪

♪ Splooge splooge! ♪

Get back in the basement!

Bye! Have a beautiful time!